Ellie accidentally teaches Pinkie Pie the word "fuck"
“Fuck!”
Ellie cringed, more at the pettiness of the reason she yelled the word than anything else. She had stumbled while walking, and nearly fell, but did not. But there was also the fact that she hadn’t said the word for weeks now, which would’ve been very uncharacteristic of her back in what she still thought of as the “real” world. It just didn’t feel right here, in this land of pastel horses and magical princesses.
It especially didn’t feel right in front of this pastel horse in particular. The positive pink one.
“Fuck?” said party planner pony asked, in a tone so innocent it made the jarring contrast even worse. “What’s that?”
“Uh, it’s nothing!” Ellie blurted, hoping to just gloss this over. “It’s just a word.”
“Huh. It’s definitely not a Ponish word,” Pinkie mused, scratching her chin with a hoof. “It sounds fun to say, though!” She took in a breath, her chest improbably expanding like a balloon, then screamed.
“Fuck!”
Frowning, Ellie scanned her field of view to confirm that they were still in Pinkie’s bedroom and not somehow in public, or in a nightmare of some sort, while Pinkie giggled, then yelled some more.
“Fuck! Fuck! Wow, that is fun to say!” She giggled some more. “Fuck!”
“Yeah, it is!” Ellie agreed awkwardly. She tried to change the subject. “So, uh, you were telling me about your sister, right? The one you grew up with on the rock farm? The Ph.D.?”
“Oh, who cares about that!” Pinkie dismissed. “How can you even want to talk about something so boring as sisters when there’s something so much more interesting and fun to talk about! Or should I say, interfunsting?”
“Terrible word,” Ellie commented.
“Well, yeah!” Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Everyword sounds terrible and boring to say, now that I know about such an awesometastic one! Fuck! Fuck! It’s just so cool! Fuck!”
Ellie winced every time, but Pinkie didn’t seem to notice. Pinkie suddenly gasped.
“Wait, I just had a great idea! I should sing a song about ‘fuck’! Then the whole town can join in and sing along, and they’ll learn this super-duper-tastic new word, too!”
Ellie groaned, remembering the few times when she had been horrified to watch what seemed to be the entire town of Ponyville burst into song and dance around her, following Pinkie’s lead. She eventually found it charming, but if they were all shouting the fuckword…
“Pinkie…” Ellie said hesitantly as Pinkie looked up at her, face cherubic with innocence. “I’d, uh, I’d rather you didn’t do that, actually…”
“Oh?” Pinkie was confused. “Why not? It’s such a great word! It just feels good in the mouth!” The phrasing made Ellie frown further. “Like, the ffffffiness, you know? Ffffff,” Pinkie ffffffed. “Ffffff. Fuck.”
“Pinkie…” Ellie sighed. “I mean…” She sighed again. “Like, in Ponish, aren’t there certain words that aren’t appropriate to say around foals?”
Pinkie blinked, still confused.
“I mean, words you just shouldn’t say? That you would only say if something really bad happened or you got really angry?”
“What?” Pinkie blinked again. “Like ’Eeurgh!’?“
“What?” Ellie blinked. “That’s not a word.”
“Don’t be silly!” Pinkie laughed. “If it’s not a word, how did it get a spelling just now?”
Ellie chose to ignore that, as she did with half the things Pinkie said sometimes. She reflected that she’d actually never heard any of these ponies swear before, which was probably why she’d been suppressing her own habit of it. The maddest she’d seen anypony get so far was Applejack, usually because of something she did. But then she only shouted charming countryisms like “Horseapples!” or “Fiddlesticks!”. Twilight took Celestia’s name in vain, of course. Rainbow Dash usually yelled a variant of “Not awesome!”. Fluttershy… Well, Ellie had never seen Fluttershy get upset, but for some reason the pegasus was the only one she could imagine saying “fuck”, in her quiet whisper.
Pinkie spoke up, still confused. “I mean, if ‘fuck’ is one of those words, why did you say it just now anyway? All you did was trip over your own feet, and you didn’t even fall down!”
“Yeah, it’s a bad habit of mine…” Ellie rubbed her neck nervously, remembering the time when she turned around and yelled the word into the street when she found out her favorite ice cream place was closed, only to realize a small child was passing right in front of her on the sidewalk. “Never mind that. It’s just a word that feels really weird to hear…”
“What? The word ‘fuck’?”
“Yes, the thing we’re talking about!” Ellie sighed, and tried again. “I mean, does Ponish really not have any words that aren’t, um, ‘good’? Like, ‘bad’ words?”
Pinkie blinked. “What do you mean?”
“Like, you know…” Ellie frowned nervously. “Like, words that are only there to insult ponies just for being who they are?”
“Huh?”
“I mean, haven’t you ever been insulted for being… um…” She looked the bright pink earth pony up and down. “Anything?”
“Well, growing up, sometimes mean ponies called me a ‘stupid rock farmer’ just because I grew up on a rock farm and farmed rocks…” Pinkie reflected. “They meant it as an insult, even though rock farming is a LEGITIMATE PROFESSION that is the BACKBONE of the EQUESTRIAN ECONOMY!” Uncharacteristic anger flashed across Pinkie’s face, then dissipated just as quickly. “But it’s not like ‘rock farmer’ is inherently an insult! And I guess ‘stupid’ is an insult, but it’s not like it’s about who I am! You could call anypony stupid.” Pinkie blinked. “Why would there even be words like that?”
“Yeah, you tell me…” Ellie frowned. Just another way of showing her the innocence of this world. “I mean, ‘fuck’ really isn’t that kind of a word either, but I guess if Ponish doesn’t really have inherently bad words, then…” Ellie tried again. “I guess really the best way to describe it would be that it’s about an… adult activity, you know? Which is why you shouldn’t say it around foals.“
“’Adult activity’?” Pinkie puzzled a bit at that. “You mean ‘fuck’ is like something about doing taxes?“
“Not exactly…” Ellie hesitated.
“But if it’s like something about doing taxes, foals need to know about it before they’re adults!” A lightbulb lit up over Pinkie’s head as Ellie frowned further. “Oh, I know! I’ll get Miss Cheerilee to write a whole lesson about it so all the foals at the Ponyville Schoolhouse know all about ‘fuck’! It must be a very important adult thing since you’re getting so worked up about it, which makes it even more important that they know about the word as early as possible!”
Ellie slapped her forehead and held her hand there for a few seconds as she groaned.
“It’s ‘having sex’, okay!?” she shouted in frustration. “It’s a verb that means ‘to have sex’! That’s what it means!”
Pinkie looked at her with a blank expression.
“Oh, no.” Ellie grimaced. “Please don’t tell me you don’t know what ‘sex’ is!”
“Of course I know what sex is!” Pinkie was insulted. “It’s a categorical variable! I mean, I don’t know how many your species has, but, y’know. Ponies have mares, stallions, candidates…”
“What was tha—”
“But how do you even ‘have’ it?” Pinkie looked into space, scratching her head and chin at the same time with her hooves. She looked Ellie in the eyes. “Could you tell me what ‘having sex’ means?”
“I’d really rather not…” Ellie could not meet Pinkie’s gaze.
“Oh, of course! That makes sense!” Ellie was about to breathe a sigh of relief when Pinkie continued. “It’s just like that time when you didn’t know what ‘applebucking’ was, so Applejack made you try it and you almost broke your leg!”
“She told other people that?” Ellie frowned.
“Oh yeah! That’s the first story she tells about you to ponies!” Pinkie laughed. “But the point is that showing is way better at teaching somepony a verb than telling! So why don’t you show me by ‘having sex’ with me? Right now?”
“I’m going to leave.”
Ellie turned around and made a beeline for the bedroom door.
“Wait!” Pinkie shouted behind her. “But you haven’t showed me what ‘having sex’ is yet!” Ellie got to the open doorway and exited as Pinkie’s cries became louder and more desperate. “I mean, I probably won’t do it well because it’ll be my first time, but I’ll try my best! I’m not afraid! You don’t have to be gentle! I want to make it good for you!”
“I mean, I told her I didn’t know what ‘having sex’ is!” Pinkie laughed up a riot, rolling around on top of Maud’s bed as she did so, accidentally wrapping herself into a blanket burrito. “And she believed me! Can you believe that?” Pinkie laughed some more as she unwrapped herself.
Maud was off to the side, giving Boulder a brush-bath, which meant that she had to put down the brush in her mouth every time she wanted to speak. Which she did so.
“You’re so naughty, Pinkie.” Maud said in her monotone in a way that meant slight disapproval.
“Oh, relax!” Pinkie rolled her eyes. “It was all in good fun! We were in my apartment, it’s not like anypony could hear.“
Maud didn’t say anything, continuing to brush Boulder.
“Okay, so it was a bit inappropriate!” Pinkie tsched. “But it’s not like anything was going to happen! I don’t even like mares that way!” Pinkie blinked. “Wait… Don’t I?…” She stared off into space, wondering. She put up a hoof. “There was that chef at that restaurant in Canterlot…” She put up another hoof. “Mrs. Cake, of course, but it’s not like I’m going to do anything about that…” She put up another hoof. “And I’ve really been enjoying baking with Starlight recently, but I’m sure if she was interested she’d say something…” She put up another hoof. “And Applejack’s too weirded out by the fifth cousins thing for that to go anywhere, even though it’s totally fine…” She put up another hoof. “And I guess Twilight technically counts…”
“It’s still not a nice thing to do.” Maud interrupted, hoping to change the subject. “It’s at her expense.”
“Oh, it’s not like she doesn’t do the same thing to us all the time!” Pinkie’s voice had some frustration. “She’s always laughing inside to herself whenever I mention a new pony’s name she’s never heard before. She tries to hide it, but I can tell!“ She stuck out a foreleg. “This one does this whenever that happens!” The foreleg undulated like a sine wave.
“Sounds to me like she’s just weird.” Maud said. “She finds things funny that most ponies don’t. I can relate.”
Pinkie hmmed. “You know, you two do seem to have a lot in common!” She pulled out a dossier out of nowhere and began rifling through it. “Wow, yeah, these numbers really look good, actually! Especially the part where she also wears clothes, like, all the time!”
Maud raised an eyebrow at that, without moving her eyelids.
“Wow, yeah! These numbers might even be just as good as the ones you had with Starlight…” She closed the file and looked at Maud. “I have to introduce you two! You’re definitely going to be best friends in no time!”
Maud did not smile. “I think I’d like that.”
