"In the future, comedy will be randomly generated."
OH DEAR CELESTIA SPIKE HAS A GUN
Author's Note
I lost many brain cells writing this.
OH DEAR CELESTIA SPIKE HAS A GUN
"Twiliiiight, are you eating the dandelions again?"
Twilight looked up, swallowing the cactus whole and pretending not to see.
Spike stumbled down the stairs, decked out in full-camo. "Don't mind me, just gonna head out and put an end to all of Equestria's troubles once and for all."
Twilight nodded and continued chewing on dandelions.
NIGHTMARE MOON, I HAVE COME TO BARGAIN. Spike threw the doors open with enough force to send them off their hinges.
"Oh? You dare approach me?" Princess Luna raised a brow.
"I can't yeet you without coming closer."
Spike stepped on a Minecraft pressure plate and noclipped through the ground. Princess Luna smiled and put away her command block.
Deep down in the damp, dark, dank dungeons of darned souls (gotta keep this thing squeaky-clean!), Spike hit his head on every rock, lobster, and rock lobster on the way down.
Oh wait, the character tags say that Twilight's still a major character too.
Okay, Twilight is there as well I guess. Don't question the porcupine quills.
"Oi mate, when did you get 'ere?" Spike pointed a claw at Twilight. "Didn't reckon you were one to like lobsters."
"What? Wait, where are we?" Twilight cocked her head and fired it mortar-style at some dandelion roots dangling from the ceiling. Her head returned to her body for her to continue talking. "I thouth thath ve vere twiing thoo finth weathing sone bookths."
"I have no idea what you're saying, Twi." Spike aimed his Everything Gun™ at the ground and fired, creating an incredibly bouncy trampoline that instantly shot the two back up the hole and out of the bathroom stall.
"Onward, noble mare!" Spike pointed his gun like a sword. At this point, I should probably specify what the thing looks like. It's an NES zapper with a squirt-bottle attached. I have no idea how the Magic School Bus got there.
"Come along, class!" Miss Frizzle opened the doors of the bus. Twilight and Spike stepped aboard and sat down beside Arnold, who was already three-quarters the way through complaining about how he should've stayed home today. Carlos, on the other hand, is now joking about the war crimes committed by the teacup his mother owns.
"So, where are we off to?" Spike asked Miss Frizzle.
"yo mama lmao" was the response everyone onboard shouted in unison. They proceeded to blast off to Uranus, AKA the vacation home of Celestia.
"Visitors? Here?" Celestia raised her sunglasses and chocked on the Molecular hydrogen: 82.5 percent, Helium: 15.2 percent, Methane: 2.3 percent makeup of the planet's atmosphere. Also she was probably frozen as heck, but that's Elsa's problem.
Spike pre-emptively shot Carlos' boombox with a crossbow bolt before he could start playing "Let It Go" on repeat for ten hours.
Dear Celestia, please have mercy on my poor sanity as I enter the second half of this sole chapter.
"No," said Celestia, now wearing a gas mask. "You are only permitted to suffer."
Oh, okay.
Celestia lit her horn and teleported everyone back to their respective universes, though for some reason Phoebe has been turned into a plant again. That was a weird episode.
But wait, what have the Christian vegetables been up to?
Larry and Bob stared at the tossed salad in the bowl. Larry uttered the one phrase that was prophesized to return their friends to the living.
"Weed eater."
The humans screamed as their salad began to rebel.
Haha, what great comedy! Now then, what's going on in Equestria?
Kirbasaurus Rex rampaged across the landscape, aided by Sweetie Giraffe. With Celestia gone and Twilight missing-in-action (until very recently), Equestria's fragile defense system of a royal guard amounting to what were more or less living bowling pins was quickly and easily destroyed by the dynamic duo of disastrously destroying things destructively.
"Ugh. Looks like the Elements of Harmony won't be able to solve this problem," Spike rolled his eyes, aiming his gun at Kirbasaurus Rex and pulling the trigger. He transformed into Vector from Despicable Me and was subsequently banished to the moon for posting cringe in #general.
That, of course, left Twilight to face the two rampaging monsters. Kirbasaurus Rex, too. Did I mention that Sweetie Giraffe had started to multiply?
"Twiiiiiliiiiight~~~" Spike's voice echoed in Twilight's head. "I am the ghost of the quesadilla you sacrificed last niiiiight. I have come to present you with a giiiiift!"
A CD-ROM of Microsoft Internet Explorer 4.0 landed on Twilight's horn. She lit said horn and frisbee'd the disk at the Kirbasaurus Rex, who simply inhaled the disk and used copy. Kirbasaurus Rex then became slow and buggy before crashing entirely and going boom. Twilight set her sights on the marching horde of Sweetie Giraffes.
"If I do not succeed, I cannot become the world's best weed eater," Twilight acknowledged to nobody in particular. "Thus, I must utilize the full strength of my powers to defeat this evil that plagues the land."
She whirled around. "But first, I need my friends."
Unfortunately, Rarity couldn't make it because Opal was sitting on her lap. She has been replaced with Po from Kung-Fu Panda until further notice.
Oh wait, that's a cardboard cutout of Po. Eh, still does the job.
Twilight Sparkle, Apple Cider, Pinkle Sprinkle, Flute is Shy, and Totally Doesn't Use Hair Dye, together with the cardboard cutout of Po, faced off against the Sweetie Giraffes.
One Sweetie Giraffe in particular quickly incinerated the cardboard cutout.
"Noooooo!" Twilight sobbed, trying to grasp at the rapidly-shrinking pile of ash that once was her beloved Po the Panda cardboard cutout. She turned to the Sweetie Giraffes. "You--you monsters! How could you?"
"YOU IS TOO SHORT. WILL DESTROY." the Sweetie Giraffe boomed. She raised a giant hoof above the remaining five but stopped.
Why, you may ask?
Because Spike just so happened to point his Everything Gun™ at the ground on the moon and shoot straight down, firing with enough force to propel him back to the planet and landing face-first on that particular Sweetie Giraffe's head and taking her out.
"GET AWAY FROM MY FRIENDS OR I'LL DO IT TO THE REST OF YOU!" Spike screeched, waving his Nerf Blaster Toaster Edition in the air. "SCRAM!"
And then they all sat down for tea. The end.
