Planet Express's Package Ponyby The Cowardly ChristianChaptersAnother OrphanCuteness intensifies.I, RoomateThief in training.Love's Labours Lost in SpaceHistory lessonsFear of a Bot PlanetScience is fun!A Fishfull of Dollars.True organization.My Three SunsAn unnatural giftA big Piece of Garbage.Ass tattoo?Hell Is Other RobotsA Flight to Remember.Mars UniversityFry and the Slurm FactoryI second that EmotionBrannigan, Begin AgainThe packaged pony.The series has landed!When Aliens attackAnother OrphanEveryone stood around in the laboratory, watching the Professor doing some minor experiments on Derpy. These said experiments were normal doctor things from checking her blood pressure, taking a single strand of her mane for DNA purposes, checking inside her ears, listening to her heart, and having her eyes track the light of a small flashlight. Bender, for his part, was busy fixing himself after what Leela did to him after he tried to club Derpy. "So how is our little Derpy?" Leela asked. "She's perfectly healthy," the Professor answered, putting his tools away "though I'm not so sure about her eyes." "Why are they crooked like that?" Fry asked "My best guess are two things: When her package crashed here, the impact of said crash might've made her eyes crooked as we see right now. The other guess is a simpler one, but she was just born with crooked eye." "So she has Strabismus?" Zoidberg asked "She does, actually! And how the hell do you know about that!?" "I study humans, remember?" "But Derpy isn't a human." Amy replied "She's not!?" A low growl was heard in the room. "Who let the dogs out!?" The professor asked. Another low growl. Everyone turned to Derpy. Derpy looked down at her belly, poking at it, followed by a low growl. Bender laughed at the sight. "Oh! You're hungry?" He mockingly asked, turning around and bending over. "Well bite my shiny metal ass!!!" Bender laughed at his own joke. Derpy tilted her head, giving a curious look at Bender's ass, shrugged, and bit onto Bender's ass with an adorable 'Nom'. Derpy's teeth bit into Bender's ass, making him stop laughing and scream in pain! He began to run around the area in circles "GETHEROFF-GETHEROFF-GETHEROFF!!! GET THIS STUPID THING OFF!!!" With only a shrug, Hermes extended his leg out and tripped Bender. He caught a hold of Derpy and took her off, despite Derpy's effort on taking a bite from Bender's shiny metal ass. Bender got up and noticed a small puddle of spit on his ass. "Ah crap! My ass in now 5% less shiny!" "That's what you get, mon." Hermes replied. Derpy closed her eyes and stuck her tongue out, blowing a raspberry at him. "WHY YOU-!!!" "Relax, Bender." Fry said, holding his fist from doing any harm. "We're not going see her again." "Not see her again!?" Both Amy and Leela yelled in unison. "Why yes!" The professor replied "I'm about to contact the pound to get Derpy off our mitts. She will be taken care of... I think." "But she's not an animal!" Leela argued, holding Derpy up to the professor. "She's a sapient creature like us that's just a child! I heard her giggle as I punched Bender." "So! Many animals laugh! Just look at hyenas whenever they watch an Adam Sandler movie!" "ECH!!!" Derpy gagged at the mention of Adam Sandler. "See!" Leela announced, pointing at Derpy " She's intelligent enough to hate Adam Sandler!" "Hm... maybe... but can she say anything!?" "Of course she can!" She adjusted Derpy to look at her. "Come on little Derpy! Say 'Ma-Ma'!" Derpy made a weird face, trying to comprehend what Leela just requested. "...Mmmmmuh." Derpy attempted to speak. "That's it! Keep trying!" "Mmmuh." "Come on!" At that moment, Scruffy came back inside, but in his hand was a package filled with muffins. Derpy's eyes & pupils grew in size and sparkled. "MUFFINS!!!" Derpy pushed herself hard, making Leela fall onto her chest, releasing Derpy. The Filly ran to Scruffy and jumped up & down, her wings flapping rapidly with each hop. "Muffins! Muffins! Want muffins!" Scruffy watched Derpy for a few moments, but shrugged and tossed a muffin to Derpy before continuing back to his closet. "YAY!!!" She held onto the muffin and began eating it, letting out her adorable 'nom' sound with each bite. Everyone, including Bender, watched with their mouths wide open as what Derpy just did. "...Well," the professor spoke "I guess you're right on that... but she still needs to go! I think the Orphanarium has room." "What!?" Leela replied "Why!?" "None of us have any money to take care of something besides ourselves! I don't want any pet that'll last longer than me, Fry is new here." "True," Fry replied "and I don't know much about the future." "Bender hates her." "DAMN STRAIGHT!!!" Bender yelled, using a rag to clean his ass. "Hermes doesn't want something that'll ruin his work." "I can't have anything ruin all of my work!" Hermes exclaimed, putting some papers in a file before storing said file into his jacket. "Amy has too many pets." "And I'm with the professor." Amy added. "And Zoidberg may just find her as delicious as that guinea pig I was saving!" "I said I was sorry!" Zoidberg pleaded. "Face it Leela! She has got to go! We don't need children around here!" "Well I do." Hermes simply commented. "Minus Hermes, of course." Leela looked at the crowd telling her they need to give Derpy to someplace better, but she looked down at the filly, who gave her a sad look. Though this filly just arrived, Leela could see two major things in her that they shared: Not having good eyesight and are orphans who may have parents from a different planet lightyears away. Derpy may be a new species from something considered myth, and her eyes gave her an advantage in being adorable, but what's not from saying the other orphaned kids at the Orphanarium ridiculing her for her eyes as she did? Or with people looking at adoption and ignoring her for her eyes? "...If none of you will take her, then I will!!!" Leela announced. Everyone gasped at her revelation. "Leela!" Fry yelled "You're really going to take her in!?" "I have to, Fry! I don't want Derpy to go through the living hell that I went through!" "Well you better get her eyes fixed!" The Professor advised "You don't want her to see double, now do you?" "Professor! I have One eye! I have a lack of depth perception! She has two and can see more than us on our own!" "Other than what's in front of her." Bender commented, followed by his laugh. Leela, still holding Derpy, did a back flip and kicked Bender's head right off. Derpy cheered and giggled as Bender's body began to walk around blindly, trying to find the robot's head. "Oh you think that's funny!? Just wait until I mount your head on the wall!" Leela kicked Bender's head like a soccer ball, making his head hit the wall and fall, landing inside a trashcan perfectly. "Come on! It's getting late and we better get home!" Leela walked out of the room with Derpy in her arms. Derpy stuck her head out and waved towards everyone. "Ba-Ba!" she said before the door closed right behind them. "... I think I just had another heart attack." The Professor spoke. It took a while for Leela and Derpy to get home, and though it was getting dark, Derpy couldn't contain herself as she looked everywhere around New-New York, staring at the buildings and waving while saying her best 'Hello' at nearly everyone that passed by them. (Though, with Derpy, she pronounced 'Hello' as 'Hewwo') A couple of the citizens they passed made Derpy shiver and cover herself in fear, though Leela was there to reassure her that if they attacked them, she'd be able to kick their ass. The most fun experience Derpy had was going through the Tube Transport System; while it's true that everyone in New-New York uses thee everyday and may not find any more joy in them, for Derpy, it was almost as if she were flying over the city, nearly crashing into buildings only to take a steep drop down before going into said crash. Leela couldn't help but smile and giggle at Derpy's experience, though she did wonder if the wings on Derpy would allow her to fly, or they needed time to grow like the owls around the city. Hopefully, they weren't for show. They walked inside the building holding Leela's apartment. Luckily, the people working there are fine with pets (or beat-oid aliens), just as long as they were potty trained and don't cause much noise at night. They approached the apartment door labeled '1I'. "Here we are," Leela announced as she unlocked the door with one open arm. "I know; quite a coincidence to be living in an apartment labeled '1I', right?" Derpy shrugged. Leela giggled at her answer "At least your honest, most would laugh at that." She opened the door to her apartment and they walked inside. Derpy looked around, seeing the apartment looked completely empty with the exception of a couch, a kitchen, and a door that lead to her bedroom. "I know, it's kinda empty, but it's necessary to pay the bills. Come on, the bedroom isn't that bad." The Bedroom was really refreshing from the snow-white room that was Leela's apartment. Luckily, a bathroom was there for Derpy in case she needed to do her business, and Leela was more than willing to teach Derpy how to use the toilet correctly. Leela gave Derpy a bath in the bathroom sink; while Derpy smelt like, well, muffins, it couldn't hurt for the filly to be clean for the night and, luckily, her feathers were like that of a duck's, so perhaps if she couldn't fly, she'd be like a duck and be a good swimmer. Derpy was soon dried off and looked much fluffier than before, it was easily finished as Derpy shook herself off like a dog, reverting back to her normal self. Leela laid Derpy on her bed before going back to the bathroom to clean some of the mess done in there and to switch to her pajamas; a simple two part purple set with a long sleeve top and pants. After Leela climbed into bed with Derpy, the cyclop held onto Derpy and closed her eye, feeling the small, fluffy filly. Derpy, for her part, felt safe in a strange new world filled with excitement, wonder, and danger; She closed her eyes and snuggled under Leela's chin. slowly drifting into sleep. "Ma-ma." Derpy said before sleeping. A single tear fell from Leela's face as she smiled. "Goodnight, Derpy." she replied before going to sleep herself. "Sweet... dreams." For the first time in Leela's life, she wasn't crying from sadness, but was happy that something came into her life and brought something she missed; Innocence. Perhaps tomorrow in the morning, Derpy will change everyone's life as well. EXTRA SCENE!!! It was late at night; Leela was snoring pretty loudly and Derpy woke up at the sound of... singing? The singing voice had a Scottish accent and whoever was singing sounded awful! Derpy got up to try to tell the person to knock it off, but stopped as she realized the singing voice was inside their home. Was it a burglar? It can't be; why would a burglar sing as he or she is stealing something? Could it be a roommate? Can't be; it sounded close. Derpy got out of Leela's grasp and walked along the bed, but stopped as she heard the voice close to Leela's right rump. Curiously, Derpy went under the blankets and, when close to the singing voice coming from Leela's butt, she lowered Leela's pajama pants down a bit, only to stop and give a curious look at what was a very small face with short purple hair and having a double chin with bits of a neck beard. Said small voice stopped singing and gave a curious look right at Derpy. "Oh! Well hello there wee little lad!" The small face greeted itself with the same accent "Came here because of my beautiful singing voice?" Derpy shook her head. "You don't like it?" A nod "Well too bad! One day, I'm going to be free from Leela's ass and I'll become a famous singer! ♪Amazing grace! How can I-♪" Leela snorted, followed by a gasp. The blanket was thrown to the side, blowing cool wind back to Derpy. Leela stared at Derpy for a few moments, and Derpy stared back, followed by a curious look. "Oh crap!" Leela yelled. She got up and ran into the bathroom. Using her own reflection, Leela pulled out an exacto knife and punctured the small face on her right butt cheek, making it scream as it deflated and was ultimately silenced. Derpy let out a sigh of relief as Leela came back and held her as she sat back on her bed. "Sorry about that. That was Susan, my boil." "...Boil?" Derpy asked "Yeah, a singing boil with a Scottish accent. She's been a part of me ever since I can remember, and I have to deal with her every few months. Oh I'm sorry she woke you up like that, and I'm even more sorry if she freaked you out." "Nuh-uh." Derpy shook her head. "Wait... she didn't frighten you?" Derpy covered her mouth with her front hooves, giggling. Leela's eye turned impatient on her. "Oh... I have a singing boil on my ass and it's funny?" "Uh-huh!" Derpy nodded. Leela sighed. "Well... you're young, and I guess it kinda is funny. Just... please... don't tell anyone at work, okay?" Derpy nodded. Leela hugged Derpy again and the filly snuggled with adopted mother. "Come on, let's get to bed without a singing boil waking us up. It's late and we've got a long day ahead." Derpy yawned adorably, making Leela yawn as well. With all lights turned off, Susan deflated, and both back in comfortable positions, both cyclops and pegasus slowly went back to sleep. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me Cuteness intensifies.Though it's only been a week since their delivery on the moon, and Craptrap was still with them, the Planet express crew was busy doing their own thing. Leela and the others were busy doing a delivery, leaving Derpy to be at Amy's apartment, which was at the very top on the Infosphere. Much to Derpy's liking & unliking was, compared to Leela's apartment, the place was much bigger and wasn't plain white, but the place made the pegasus feel inferior and everywhere was either a shade of pink or purple. "How do you like my home?" Amy asked. Derpy swung her legs as she tried to escape. "NUU!!!" She yelled "WANT MA-MA!!!" "Oh, I'm sorry Derpy, but Ma-Ma's busy with work. Relax, I'm sure you're going to enjoy spending time with me." Derpy let out a 'Humph!' as she crossed her forelegs and made an angry face. Amy couldn't help but giggle. "Even when you're angry, you're still a cutie." Amy gave Derpy a short tour of her apartment with the living room, bathroom, kitchen, and her bedroom upstairs. Derpy had a curious look as they went into Amy's bedroom, most notable, her closet. As soon as Amy laid Derpy on her bed, turing to make a phone call to Leela, Derpy got off the bed and explored the closet, seeing many different clothes, dresses, shoes, and socks. For some weird reason, two pairs of red & pink striped socks hypnotized her, making Derpy take them out of the bottom drawer & put them on. The first pair on her forelegs were easy to put on, but the back ones were trickier. Meanwhile, Amy was about to finish her call. "I got it, Leela." Amy replied on her phone "I know she loves muffins... yes, I'll use them as desert... finishing her veggies won't be a problem... I'm not sure she can eat meat... alright, be at bed at around 8... no Bender, I'm not selling her to a pawnshop... alright, bye!" She ung her phone and took a deep breath. "Alright Derpy, how about we-" She looked around her room, seeing Derpy was gone. "Derpy!? Where are you!?" "WHEE!!!" Derpy yelled. She rolled out of the closet and landed on the wall, though she was upside down with her flank & tail in the air. Amy stared for a few moments, then began to giggle. "Aw, look at you! You're so adorable!" Derpy rolled over, balancing on her hind legs while hopping up & down. "I'm Pwetty!" "You're more than pretty! You're absolutely precious!" She gasped and ran away for a few moments, coming back with a camera. "Come on Derpy, smile for the camera!" Derpy smiled as her picture was taken. "Everyone's gonna love this! ...Wait a minute... MAKEOVERS!!!" "...huh?" "Come on, I'm sure that with these pictures, not only will the everyone in planet express think you're adorable, but so will all of New-New York! You'll be a star!" "A...star?" Amy turned on his TV, going to a channel where a music video played, making Derpy excited as Amy got out a bunch of clothes for Derpy to try on. "Hipster glasses!" "Ponytail!" "Nerd!" "Gentleman!" "School girl!" "Safari!" "Offensive Mexican stereotype!" "Famous videogame hero that isn't a soldier!" "A soldier!" "Robot!" "Kitty!" "Best halloween costume!" "Princess!" "Baker!" "Pianist!" "And last, but not least, Mailman!" Derpy took a deep breath, taking off the bag on her back as she fell to her back, really tired. "Why...many...dresses?" She asked. "Huh? All those dresses?" Amy replied "Well... call me crazy, but I kept all my childhood stuff with me after I moved from my family." "...You'we... cwazy... auntie." Derpy fell to the floor and slept. Amy turned to Derpy and picked her up. "D-Did you call me... Auntie?" Derpy let out some small snores, but still spoke a bit. "Auntie... Amy..." Amy couldn't help but smile as she placed Derpy on her bed. "Good Night... little Derpy." Derpy snuggled onto the pillow she was laid on and snored very silently. Though Leela wanted Amy to have Derpy learn some mathematics, the pictures she took should act as an apology to Leela for not doing it and, afterall, Derpy was a bit smarter than the average child, even if she didn't speak a lot of words. To help learn something, Amy pulled out a classic Dr. Seuss book that was ruined by hollywood starring Mike Myers. After reading it, Amy fell asleep herself, lying next to Derpy to sleep herself. Derpy, whether waking up from Amy resting or sleep walking, walked up to the human, walked in a circle, and rested next to Amy's head, blowing some warm air from her muzzle onto Amy's cheeks as both slept the night away with no one around... except after both fell asleep, Craptrap turned visible again, went into Amy's closet for a few moments, then came out with a box full of panties. "Now those Japanese people will be happy with their new stock of panties!" He said to himself, but stopped as was near the edge of the stairs. "Wait? How'd I get up here again?... Aw Screw it!" He rolled over the steps, but soon fell down, letting out multiple 'ows' along the way. "...I'm okay!" Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me I, RoomateIt's already been a month and Craptrap found himself a job with three other humans to find some sort of treasure with another human named Joe. During that time, Craptrap was able to teach Derpy how to dance like a pro to which, not only was it impressive on how Derpy danced despite being a quadruped, but she was adorable doing the dances. Also, during that time, Derpy learned how to speak a lot more fluently, though she now had the tendency to yell 'Derp' whenever she snorts herself awake or when she loses concentration on something. Everyone was at work, though Fry was there first... sleeping on the desk with only his underwear on & with a blanket over his body as he laid his head on a pillow. An alarm clock went off next to him, causing him to wake up & reach over to turn the sound off, only to press down on Bender's Antennae. "HEY!!!" Bender yelled. He turned off the alarm, but bended it and placed it on the ledge of the table. "Fry, mon," Hermes spoke "if you're going to be living in the office, then you could at least on time for work." Fry grumbled as he sat right up. "I'm sorry," he apologized "I was up all night poking through people's desks." He stood right up and walked away to get ready, rustling Derpy's mane. "Morning Derpy." "Morning Fry." Derpy replied, adjusting her mane back to it's normal state. "Alright people," Hermes spoke "I'll now outline today's 12 point agenda. We begin with point 1: we-" loud clanging interrupted him. Everyone turned to see Fry pouring a large bag of bachelor chow into a derpy's water bowl (an old dog bowl the professor cleaned after one of his dogs passed away after testing a dog-brand lipstick). Fry filled the bowl with water, then walked over to the table, taking a seat next to Bender. Hermes took a deep breath "Concerning our next problem; Somebody's been leaving food around and it's attracting owls! And for one am getting tired of cleaning owl traps!" "And I'm tired of having a trail of owls following me!" Derpy added. At that moment, an owl landed next to Derpy, pecked through her mane, and pulled out a piece of muffin, flying away. "...Why was that in my mane?" Hermes pulled a remote, showing a chart on the large T.V. screen. "Now, as this shocking graph indicates, our water consumption has tripled in the last month! I notice Fry has been here for the last month, so I'm appointing him as head of committee to find who's responsible. Fry!?" They turned to see the naked silhouette of Fry in the emergency chemical burn shower, humming himself a tune. "Am I the only one cracking up, but is Fry living here starting to-" The ship's engine whirred, and Fry was right behind the ship, blowing his hair dry. Leela ran up and pressed the emergency shut down button. The ship stopped and Fry's hair began to glow. "What the hell are you doing!?" Leela asked in frustration "You're getting a huge dose of radiation!" "And great lift." Fry added "Ugh! Do you know long it's going to take me to recalibrate these engines?" "Hey, when you look this good, you don't have to know anything." "...I feel funny." Derpy commented as her coat and mane started to glow. Everyone walked into the Professor's lab. "Professor," Leela spoke. "We need to talk to you about Fry." "That's right!" Bender agreed "We want some money! ... Wait, what's this about Fry?" "He's a nice guy, but we feel it's time he gets his own place." "Ha Fuff!" The Professor replied "He's not causing any trouble. Now if you don't mind, I'm rather busy; I seem to misplaced my alien mummy." He pulled out a small sarcophagus. "This sarcophagus should contain the remains of Emperor Nimbala, who ruled Zuban five over twenty-nine million years ago." "It's empty." Derpy simply said. "Hey Professor!" Fry spoke with his mouth full. "Great Jerkey!" He turned around and walked away. "My god! This is an outrage! I WAS GONNA EAT THAT MUMMY!!! Fry has got to go!" "Yay!" Derpy cheered "No more owls!!!" Leela, Bender, and Derpy entered the break room, seeing Fry sitting down and watching T.V. Leela was the one who wanted Fry to leave & find his place while Bender was there, as Fry's friend, to convince him to leave while Derpy was there as a cute factor to push him out. "Fry," Bender began "We've got to discuss your living arrangements." "We've all talked it over," Leela added "And we think-" "T.V!!!" Derpy yelled, interrupting Leela and jumping out of her arms, sitting on the armchair of the couch. "All my circuits!?" Bender added. "Move over!" Fry lazily pushed the trash off the couch and moved over as Derpy jumped to the middle of the couch, leaving Bender to sit on his end. Both Fry and Bender rested their feet on the desk, both lazily relaxing now. Derpy tried following the two, but was only able to sit like a regular human, though this reminded her of something that may or may not exist. "Fry," Leela continued "sometimes in close quarters, people do inconsiderate things without realizing it." "I know," Fry replied, though not paying attention. "But I forgive you." "No, Fry, by 'close quarters', I mean this office." "Uh-huh." "...And by people, I mean you." "Right." "And by 'inconsiderate', I mean-" "Leela! We're trying to watch T.V." "Yeah!" Bender agreed "Would you kindly shut your noise hole?" "Which one?" Derpy asked. Bender and Fry laughed immaturely before calming down. Leela rolled her eye and walked away. "Who's that weird looking one?" Fry asked as they watched. "That's a human." Bender answered. "What does he do?" Derpy asked "Eh, usually human stuff. he laughs, he learns, he loves." "Bo~ring!" Fry commented. They watched the channel, but the screen got smaller. "Hey, why's the T.V. getting small?" "Are we growing!?" Derpy asked. With all three of them still on the couch, the rest of the planet express crew pushed them all out into the street. "Sorry Derpy," Leela spoke "but I have something important to do. Have fun with Bender and Fry!" "AW CRAP!!!" Bender yelled. Bender, Derpy, and Fry sat together in their own booth in a 'Food-o-Mat', where all sorts of food, snacks, & drink were always moving on a treadmill in a 'first come first serve' way. Luckily, it was a Tuesday, and kids ate free on that day. Derpy enjoyed her own muffin as Bender pulled some light martinis off the treadmill while Fry poked at his large amoeba. "Cheer up, Meatbag!" Bender spoke "You barely touched your amoeba." "It looked good," Fry replied "but I just don't feel like eating. You want it?" "Nah, I'm trying to watch my input. I need plenty of wholesome, nutritious alcohol." He took a drink "The chemical fuel energy keeps my fuel cells in check." He pulled out a cigar and lit it up "That's strange." Derpy commented. "Well what are the cigars for?" Fry asked "They make me look cool." Bender simply answered, taking a puff. "I can't believe they kicked me out like that. I must've really been acting like a jerk." Derpy nodded. "Yeah, but everyone's a jerk: You, me, her. That's my philosophy. So, where are you gonna stay?" "...I don't know. Do refrigerators still come in cardboard boxes?" "Yeah, but the rents are OUTRAGEOUS! Why don't you just come in and move in with me?" "Really!? That'd be great! You sure I won't be imposing?" "Nah, I've always wanted a pet or two." "Three jerks and a pet!" Derpy cheered. They entered a run downed building labeled 'Robt Arms Apts.', where everyroom was labeled with different combinations of 1's & 0's. They arrived to Bender's apartment, labeled 00100100. Whether just by luck or if she was really smart, Derpy though that combo as a dollar sign, quite fitting for Bender as he saw him pickpocket everyone at Planet express. "Here we are," Bender spoke "Our new home!" "Cool!" Fry replied "You know, I've never seen a robot's apartment before. "Me too." Derpy added "Well come on in, I'll give you the tour!" Bender opened the door to his apartment... which was about as big as a closet. Fry struggled to get in, placing Derpy on his head as he entered the super small room. When the door closed, Fry placed Derpy to the floor. "Let's see, where to start? Okay! This is the T.V. area, that over there is the breakfast nook, and over there is where you'll be staying, which is great cause it's been wasted space." "It's kinda cramped in here." Fry commented. "I don't even have room to hang my clothes!" "Look pal, you only have one pair of clothes, and you're not taking them off while I'm here." "EW!!!" Derpy yelled "FRY STINKS!!! I want to sleep somewhere else!" Bender picked up Derpy and tossed her inside his his chest. "There, now shut up! Well, goodnight." "Wait!" Fry yelled "Bender! Bender!?" Bender began to snore. Derpy found Bender's chest to be surprisingly comfrotable, despite being a robot & was mean towards everyone. She walked to the operating gears inside Bender, placed her back onto them, and felt like she was getting a great massage. She soon feel asleep, allowing the gears inside to massage her as she slept through the night, not minding Bender's snoring and his ramblings about 'killing all humans'. Both Derpy and Bender walked side by side, Bender whistling a tune to himself while Derpy dance-walked next to him. "Well you're both so cheerful this morning." Leela commented. "This past week with Fry has been a blast!" Bender commented "And I think Derpy may not be so bad afterall: my sensors can now indicate when a booze, smokes, and muffins are nearby." "And Bender's chest is actually nice to me." Derpy added "I felt so safe within his gears... except whenever he drinks." "Consider that an alarm." Bender turned and whistled away as Fry came in, his head crooked and hair messed up. "What happened to you?" Leela asked "Fry never showered nor has different clothes." Derpy spoke. "OH GOD!!!" Leela pulled out a 'Shower in a can' and sprayed Fry with it. He luckily smelled better, though he didn't look well. "You know you're standing at a weird angle." Fry commented. Leela grunted and snapped his head back in place. "Now you're okay." "What's happened to you?" "Fry has had a hard time in Bender's apartment." Derpy answered "He really can't get a good night's sleep." "How do you know?" Fry asked "I heard you grunt almost every second followed with a thump." "...Huh. Smart Gal." "Well I believe you've got to find yourself a new place to live." Leela said. "Is that an invitation?" "Not in a lifetime, buster!" Derpy yelled, standing on her hind legs and using her forelegs to shield her mother. "Ugh, I love your optimism," Leela continued "but you've got to tell Bender you're moving out." "Yeah, but he might get upset." Fry replied "I really don't want to do it." "Hey! There's my little space heater and my little pony!" Bender teased. Both Fry and Bender laughed at the joke. "...Fry's moving out." Derpy spoke for Fry. "WHAT!?" "Um... look," Fry spoke for himself "You're my best friend, but there's just not enough room." "Not enough room!? My place is two cubic meters and we both only take 1.5 cubic meters! We have enough room for another 2/3 of a person!" "Pwease Bendah?" Derpy asked, using her old talk. "Can you hewp Fwy find a new pwace to wive in?" She used her tactical 'Bambi eyes'. Bender cringed at the stare. "No! Don't fall for it! Must... avoid... eyes! ... Ah screw it! Fine, but I have a lot of great memories in my apartment." He pressed a button on his chest. "And now they're gone." "Well good luck to you three," Leela commented "The ship's engine still needs recalibrating. 12 hours later. Everyone, including Leela, sat together in the break room. All three apartments they visited weren't great at all; the underwater apartment was attacked by a giant squid, the apartment that looks like a painting was too large and confusing to navigate (though it was funny to watch Bender fall everywhere), and the only good apartment was technically in New Jersey, not New New York. "Not even one place remotely livable." Fry commented to himself. "Oh, how awful." The professor commented on the phone. "Did he die at least painlessly? ... To shreds you say? Tsk, tsk, tsk. Well how's his wife holding up?... To shreds, you say? Very well." He hung the phone and turned to everyone. "Sad, sad, terrible, gruesome news about my colleague Dr. Nibutoo." "Was his apartment rent controlled?" Leela asked Everyone entered the deceased Dr. Nibutoo's apartment, lead by a strange old woman, who also had crossed eyes like Derpy, though she was much more crazier. "Wow! This is beautiful!" Leela commented "What's with all the crap?" Bender asked "It's not crap!" "Dr. Nibutoo collected this crap while exploring the watchamacallit... universe." The crazy old woman explained "Well, this place has everything I need except one: A T.V." Fry spoke. "It's got a T.V. you whatchacallit... idiot!" She pulled a hanging rug to show a T.V. right behind it. "Whoah! Slow down!" Bender exclaimed "This place just doesn't feel like home. It just isn't... cozy." "How about this?" Derpy asked, pressing a button next to a closet while balancing on a small ladder. The closet opened and Bender walked inside. "Huh... I can barely move." He pressed on the button inside, the closet closing on him. "IT'S PERFECT!!!" While Derpy couldn't stay with Fry & Bender as they redecorated the apartment, she went with everyone, getting a special gift for Fry. Following Hermes example, Derpy didn't want to show Fry her gift yet. Everyone came in to Fry's new apartment with their gifts ready; Hermes with his boxed present, Zoidberg with his smaller claws, Leela with her miniature fruit salad tree, Amy with a cake (though it fell on her face as soon as Fry tossed over a miniature banana peel on the floor), and the Professor with another small mummy (teriyaki style). Derpy was the last to enter, balancing her gift on her head. "I was beginning to wonder if you'd show up" Fry spoke. "Sorry Fry," Derpy replied "but dragging your gift wouldn't help." "Aw, that's alright little filly. I'll take that off you." Fry took Derpy's gift off her head. Derpy trotted inside, seeing the place was filthy, but couldn't complain as this was his apartment and they were going to watch the wedding season finale of 'All my Circuits'. While the show was getting ready, Bender drank all of the beer. "Wow! Heavy-drinking crowd!" Bender exclaimed before belching out fire. "I'd better go out for more beer." "Hey, hang on, All My Circuits is about to start!" Derpy pleaded "I know, but I need alcohol to power up my batteries. If Calculon's wedding doesn't go just right I'll be emotionally and electrically drained." He stood up and left. Fry turned on the TV but all that's on was static. He nudges the screen a bit and 'All my Circuits' began to play. Zoidberg passes around crab claws on a plate to everyone, to which, despite being equine & not having any meat yet, Derpy enjoyed the claws Zoidberg made himself, though Hermes upchucked at the news. "The wedding's about to start!" Fry yelled. The yedding went well in the show until Calculon's half-brother interupted, beeping loudly. "Is he objecting or backing up?" "Sounds like both." Derpy replied Just as Calculon was about his secret, Bender came in and the screen cut off to static, making everyone groan. Fry stood right up and began to use his fist against the T.V. "Hey, what happened to the TV!?" Bender yelled "It just went out." Fry replied "This is an outrage! I'm gonna go yell at the manager!" Bender stormed right out and the TV came back on, leaving everyone cheering. "Come back, Bender! It's working!" Before calculon could retell his secret, Bender came back in and the TV cuts out again, making everyone groan again "It's out again." "What!? That's the last straw!" The screen showed the show. "It's back on!" Bender came back in with the woman and the TV goes out once again. "Pardon me," she spoke "I don't mean to pry into what you're doing in here with the crab and the one-eyed lady and the Chinese girl and the stupid horse, but everyone on this floor is having trouble with their TV reception." Derpy growled at her comment "Yeah!" Bender agreed "And you'd better get rid of whatever's causing it or we're outta this dump!" "Relax, sonny. This kajigger'll find the source of the interference." She began pointing the scanner in her hands around the apartment, beeping slowly. She then points it at Bender's antenna and it beeps faster, but she keeps looking around, making her scanner beep slowly again. The other tenants come in and she points the scanner at Bender's antenna again. "Oh, my God!" Amy exclaimed "Bender, it's your thingy!" All the other tenants yelled together. "You people are nuts." Bender announced "My antenna never interfered with my old TV." "You had cable," Leela explained "This is satellite. "Obviously your thoughts are being transmitted on the same frequency." The professor explained "Robots can think?" Derpy asked "I thought they were just like, well, robots." "They're on my cell phone too." A woman in red said "Madam," Bender retaliated "I believe you're mistaken!" She turns her phone on. "Wow, that lady's got a huge ass!" Bender's voice spoke through the phone. "Those could be anyone's thoughts, fat ass!" "The robot has to go!" a flamboyant man spoke followed by everyone agreeing "Well, you heard the mob!" The woman spoke, pushing Bender out "Fine!" Bender yelled "Come on, Fry, let's move to that apartment that smelled like a sewer. You liked that one, right?" "It's tempting, but, well, I am already kinda settled in here." Fry replied "Or we could live underground with the mutants. A little fire'll show 'em who's boss!" Derpy laughed mischievously. "Uh, listen, is there maybe some way we could do this with you going and me not going? "I don't understand." "Well, you were gonna live in the closet anyway. Won't you be just as happy back in your old place?" "But... then we wouldn't be roommates." "I'll come visit sometime. And you can visit me here." "No he can't." The crazy old woman, who we'll call Hattie, added. "Anyway, I'm sure it'll work out. This way we'll both be happy." "...Happy." Bender said with a hint of sadness "Yeah, that's Bender... always happy." Bender walked out of the room and down the corridor. The TV turned back on, and though everyone was happy to see the show was back on, Derpy and Leela couldn't help but feel concerned for Bender, even if he was a jerk. Everyone began to leave, each having a bit of a good time with tears about whether Calculon's evil twin will ever walk again... followed by Amy slipping on the same small banana peel. "Hey, thanks for coming." Fry spoke, pressing on a button to close the door. Leela placed her elbow in it and forces it back open, followed by Derpy, both giving Fry an angered look. "Fry, you're Bender's best friend! How could you let that mob kick him out!?" Leela asked angrily "Ah, come on. Bender loves mobs." "Only when he's in them and you know it." "You really hurt Comfort Gear's feelings!" Derpy added "Don't girl me with that girl stuff." Fry replied "Bender and me are guys. Guys don't have feelings." "Bender's not a guy, he's a robot." "And you both went D'aw over me!" Derpy added "No we didn't!" Fry replied. Derpy turned around, putting on a small mail bag, a hat, and put an unmakred envelope into her mouth, adorably holding it. She turned around and purposely onto the floor, smiling and blushing at the same time. "Aw, that's adorable." Fry commented. Derpy spat out the envelope "Told you!" she yelled In the next morning, both Leela and Derpy were fixing the ship with lasers. They stopped, seeing Bender walking into the conference room; He has orange rust around his mouth and his door is flapping open. "Bender!?" Derpy asked, lifting her helmet up "My God, you're a mess!" Leela commented. Bender ran into the lounge room, falling onto the couch. "Leave me alone!" Bender said miserably "Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking, haven't you?" "Hey! What I don't do is none of your business." "Please, Bender, have some malt liquor. If not for yourself then for the people who love you." "I hate the people who love me and they hate me." Derpy jumped onto Bender's chest tapped on his shoulder "There, there," she spoke "it's alright. I don't hate you at all. I may not like you, but I don't hate you." "It's obvious you miss being Fry's roommate," Leela added "But there's got to be a better way to deal with this." "Like how?" Bender asked "Having my antenna removed?" "Well... if that would work." "ARE YOU CRAZY!?!?!?" Bender practiacally jumped all her feathers off, jumping into Leela's arm and cowering "That's Little Bender you're talking about! I can't cut it off. You're both not a robots or men, so you wouldn't understand! I gotta get out of here!" He got up and drunkenly walked away "Wait! I want you to look me in the eye and promise you won't get behind the wheel without some kind of alcoholic beverage in your hand. "I promise nothing!!!" Bender ran away "...He's scary without his booze." Derpy commented, still shaking. Leela and Fry pressed the doorbell to Fry's door. It had been two weeks and Bender was gone; Derpy checked his apartment yesterday and he was gone, leaving only a broken beer bottle behind with it's liquid still on the floor. Fry opened the door "What up?" Fry asked "I can't just stand by and be silent about Bender anymore!" Leela exclaimed "Silent? You've been meddling for two solid weeks." "Well I can't just do that anymore! Your best friend is out there somewhere destroying himself." "...Really? I didn't think he'd miss this apartment that much." "He doesn't care about the apartment," Derpy snapped "He cares about you! And you turned your back on him you back stabbing son of a BITCH!!!" "LANGUAGE!!!" Leela yelled "Oh, man!" Fry exclaimed to himself "I had no idea! If only I knew where he was I'd go talk to him." he T.V. went to static. "Oh, stupid TV!" Bender entered the room, trying his hardest to keep his balance. Derpy squeaked and jumped into Leela's laps, cowering and using her wings to cover her face "Bender! You're blind-stinking sober!" "That's right!" Bender rambled "I'm sober and crazy and I don't know what I might do!" "Don't do it!" "I don't know what it is yet! ... Oh, yeah, now I remember. I thought I could live alone, but I can't. So, I'm gonna do what it takes to be your roommate again." Bender opened his chest and pulled out a pair of clippers. "Bender! Stop!" Leela yelled "Cutting Leela and Derpy's heads off won't solve anything!" Fry added "No, I'm going to chop off my antenna." Bender yelled "Hey, yeah! That sounds good. Can I give you a hand?" "Fry!" Leela yelled "Don't help him mutilate himself!" "WHERE'S HIS BEER!?!?!?" Derpy freaked out "But it's a useless antenna." Fry replied "It's not like he's a ham radio or something." Bender backed up as he held the hedge clippers to his antennae "I'm gonna do it!" He yelled "I'm really gonna do it! Don't try and stop me! Here goes!" Silence fell as Fry smiled. Bender sighed in defeat and cuts off his antennae, throwing it out the window. The TV comes back on, showing Calculon with Human Friend, who is in a hospital bed. "Hey, it works! The static's gone!" On the T.V., both the human and Calculon talked to each other "I hate that this came between us, Calculon." The human spoke "Me too." Calculon replied "I'm filled with a large number of powerful emotions." "You're my best friend. I'm sorry I treated you so badly." "Apology accepted. After all, you're only human." They hugged each other "You guys could learn a lesson from those two." Leela pointed out, Derpy nodding with her, "She's right." Fry spoke, sucking up his pride "You're my best friend, Fry," Bender spoke, acting as the human "I'm sorry I treated you so badly". "Apology accepted. After all, you're only human." They both hug each other. Derpy face hoofed herself with a sigh of anooyance. "Wait a minute!" Leela spoke "You did it all backwards." Fry and Bender stared blankly. "Fry's the one who should be- Oh, never mind!" Fry and Bender laugh, but bender looks in a mirror and sighs. "What's wrong?" Fry asked "Nothing." Bender replied "I guess I'm just going to have to get used to being half a robot." "Aw, this isn't right. Listen, Bender, if we found your antenna could they still reattach it?" "Maybe. If we get it on ice right away." "Ech, I'm on it." Derpy spoke, jumping off the couch. "Lean down, Bender." Bender followed. Derpy took some sniffs to his head and heads down the stairs. Everyone follows her as she sniffs for the antennae. Soon, after a few moments, outside and at the bottom, she found Bender's antennae "Bingo!" Derpy, Bender, and Fry stood outside of Bender's apartment. Balancing on Derpy's head was Fry's miniature fruit salad tree. "This time, you'll have all the human comfort." Bender replied "We'll get a couple of toilets, some food cookers, maybe a puppy." "Ahem!" Derpy coughed. "Oh, never mind the last one if she's going to be here for a bit." They entered the apartment. "It's good to be home." Fry said happily "It sure is. By the way, I saved your stuff." Bender opened up a small, metal box. "So that's where those skin flakes went." "How's the fruit tree's going to get enough light?" Derpy asked "There's a window in the closet." Bender simply replied. He pushes a button and a door swings open, revealing a large living space. Both Fry and Derpy walk into it. "This is huge!" Fry exclaimed "Bender, why don't I just live in here?" "And why didn't you tell us!?" Derpy asked in anger "You both want to live in a closet?" Bender asked "Oh, meatbags!" Before he could take a drink from his bottle of beer, Derpy yelled and tackled Bender, ripping him into pieces, soon, throwing him out of the window. She took in deep breaths, then calmed down. "Okay... I need a muffin." She fell to the floor and fell asleep. Fry leaned in a corner, shaking. "She's scary!" He whimpered. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me Thief in training.It was another wonderful day at New New York; Bender and Derpy were spending time together in the park. Leela was busy with finding a date, Fry fixed up the apartment, Amy went to visit her parents on Mars, Hermes had important files to organize, Professor Farnworth was busy with another experiment, and Zoidberg... he was doing whatever he does, leaving Bender to watch over the filly. He hated watching over Derpy: she was too adorable for his sensors, was a child, tore him to pieces after showing them the closet, and she was almost of a goody little two shoes... or was it four hooves? Bender only sighed to himself, taking another bottle of beer to drink. "Bender?" Derpy asked "What?" Bender replied with annoyance "Can we get something to eat?" "No!" "But I'm hungry!" "Well too bad! I'm outta money." "Can't you get some?" "Money doesn't grow on trees, idiot." "I know that, but can't you get more from someone else?" Bender froze "Are you suggesting we get money from the Don-Bot?" "The Don-Bot? No, I meant from all these jerks." "Hey, begging isn't my- OH!!! I can't do that here: too many eyes will be on me!" "Allow me." Derpy walked ahead, jumping onto a bench, then jumping into a trashcan. "Uh... what are you-?" Derpy'y head popped up from the trashcan; her mane was messy and she was covered in filth. "Who should we target first?" "What?" "Bender, I'm helping you get money to feed me! I'm a distraction!" "... I gotta take a note on this!" Bender pulled out a notepad with a pencil & wrote down. "And if you really want to learn this, let's start with that couple over there." Bender pointed out an average looking couple having wine together. "This is quite the wine you have, Jack." The woman "Of course, Jill," Jack replied "I'm certain that our children will thrive in the future." "Is it wise to take all of our life's savings with us?" "Oh please, we're in a park, nothing can steal from us." At that moment, they heard small, whining noise from a bush. "What was that?" "Sounds like a baby." They both got up and looked through a bush, gasping at what was a small, grey pegasus thing covered in filth, shivering. The pegasus turned to the couple and froze in fear, shaking really fast. "Aw, what's a cutie like you doing out here?" Jill reached for the pegasus, only for it to back up and whimper even more. "Pwease," it begged "Don't huwt me!" "It can talk!?" Jack asked in surprise. Derpy watched behind the suckers as Bender took everything inside the basket, looking around like an owl as he did it. He held up an 'ok' sign and ran away. Derpy took this as her chance to escape the suckers! She turned around and ran away from the suckers! "Wait!" The sucker woman yelled "Come back!" "You're adorable and need help!!!" The sucker man yelled. Derpy ran as fast as her hooves could carry her. Bender, being a robot, sat on a bench and waited for Derpy with his chestplate open. Derpy leaped into Bender's chest, and Bender closed it as the couple stopped next to him. "Have you seen an adorable pegasus around here?" "She's small, filthy, and might need help." "Eh, I think the Pound caught her already." Bender replied as he took another drink of beer. The couple ran ahead. Derpy opened the chest, popping her head out with a wet mane. "What did they have on them?" Derpy asked. Bender pulled out a large wad of cash, followed by a whistle. "500 thousand bucks!!! And plans for some toy called 'Tickle me Enders'." "ECH!!! That sounds awful!" "It sounds like crap, but what if we can add a more... personal touch to it?" "...Tickle me benders?" "And Tickle me Derpys!" Derpy jumped out as Bender took another drink of beer. "So how was it like making them suckers?" "It was... different. I can't I'm happpy with myself... nor angry with myself." "Eh, don't think about it. They were jerks who would become richer jerks. In fact, I think I see a rich jerk ahead! Let's see what we can take off of him, then I promise I'll get you the most delicious muffin ever!" "I'm on it!" Derpy jumped into the trash can again, but came out with pieces of trash on her including a torn up scarf. Derpy walked ahead to the super rich man (as told by his monocle, top hat, suit, and chariot looking ship). The man looked down at her, not gasping, but one of his eyebrows rose up. "I say," he said in an English accent "what type of animal are you?" Derpy coughed. "Pwease sir, can have something to eat? Or at least, some money to buy myself something to eat?" The rich jerk thoguht to himself, looking into his car. "Well, I've never seen any species like you before, and I'm certain there's no law that's stopping me from doing this." He pulled out a musket shaped tranquilizer gun and aimed it at Derpy "You're worth billions alive, and I might as well-" Before he could finish, Derpy pulled out a smaller Tranquilizer gun and fired right in-between the jerk's eyes. The jerk groggily fell to the floor, snoring. Bender came next to Derpy and whistled. "Nice defense!" He commented "And we can steal this car from him! Where'd you get the dart gun anyways?" "The trashcan." Derpy replied. "Trashcan, eh? Never though of that." The rich jerk groaned, most likely waking up from sleeping. Bender reached into his chest to find something. "Hey! Where's my tranquilizer! I just had it a few-" Derpy fired at the rich jerk again, followed by an evil laugh. Bender looked down. "Wait a minute! That's MY tranquilizer! You stole it!!!" Derpy laughed at him, then stopped. "Oh wait, you're serious. Let me laugh even harder!!!" She laughed harder. Bender clenched his hand into a fist, but stopped as, what Derpy did, was something he did. His anger quickly went away and was turned to pride, as he bend down and picked up Derpy, caressing her mane. "Oh, you made Bender proud!" "So are we going to take this jerk's car, uncle?" Bender gasped. "You called me 'Uncle'!?" "Sure, but what are we going to do with this jerk's car?" Bender laughed as they entered the car, turning it on. "Well Derpy, let me teach you a thing called 'pawning'." Bender drove the rich jerk's car away to the nearest pawnshop as Derpy listened & bopped her head to the music as they drove away. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me Love's Labours Lost in SpaceIt was another day at Planet Express and Leela was a bit sad. Everyone but the professor was at the meeting room; the professor was busy doing experiments with Pazoozoo. Last night, Leela was on a date with some guy named Doug, but was put off by something. "What was wrong with your date last night? Amy asked "I don't know." Leela replied "Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Possibly his vile lizard tongue." Both Leela and Derpy shuddered at it. "You're too picky." "Yeah," Fry added "If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low I.Q. or an explosive violent temper, of course you're gonna be lonely". "There's nothing wrong with having high standards." "Amen." Derpy added "Now can we please stop-" "The female Leela's problem is purely medical." Zoidberg interrupted "Soon she will drop her eggs and they will hatch and all will be well." As they sat around the table, Derpy gave a strange look at her mom, looking around her. "Please, don't listen to that idiot." "You just have to give guys a chance." Amy said "Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig, but then later you realize he actually has a really good body." "Thank you all for the inspiring advice, but I'm perfectly happy with my life the way it is." "That sounds like a cry for help." Bender commented. Unbeknownst to Bender, as he walked away, Derpy pulled out the 500 bucks from his wallet. "Let's all take her out tonight." Amy suggested "There's lots of great places to meet people." "The Federal Sex Bureau." Hermes offered "A saucy puppet show!" Bender added "The rotting carcass of a whale?" Zoidberg begged. "Ew!" Derpy replied "How about a dance club?" "...That actually sounds great, Derpy!" Amy replied After some time of preparing, they arrived at a place called 'The Hip Joint'. Amy was able to lend Derpy a dress with rings all over it, making look almost as if she were continuously using the rings as a hula hoop. The cance club had hovering platforms and strobe lighting, along with nearly everyone inside were wearing rings. "Oh, wow! It's totally retro!" Amy exclaimed as they entered, holding Derpy in her dress "Why's everyone wearing those rings, though?" Derpy asked "Guh! Because nobody wears them anymore! Rings are stupid!" "I think they look cool." "Sh! Don't let anyone hear you say that!" "Hey!" A man yelled "did that- d'aww!!! Look how adorable she is!" "... I guess you're an exception." Leela, Amy, Derpy, and Bender sat at a table with drinks for them. While everyone had some sort of alcohol, Derpy had herself cherry soda. "So what do you think of that guy by the bar?" Amy pointed at a man at bar" "I don't know. Maybe?" Leela replied "Forget it, he's gay." Bender spoke "How can you tell?" Derpy asked "I just know these things. I've got what they call gaydar." "There's no such thing." Leela commented "No?" Bender pulled out a machine with a small antenna on it from his chest cabinet. The antenna swivels around. "OK, I got a lock on him." The machine beeped "Yep! He's gay!" "Are you sure?" Derpy asked "Definitely. Unless I'm getting interference from a gay weather balloon." Derpy sat as Amy went to find someone that could interest Leela. She watched as Fry talked to another woman and Zoidberg was looking at a lobster. She lookefd around, bored, but her ears perked as she spotted something that went into the bathroom. "Uh, excuse me, I have to... use the restroom." "Be sure to avoid the gay ladies!" Derpy walked inside the bathroom, but froze as she saw what had entered the bathroom: inside was another quadruped like her with a light brown coat and an even darker brown mane & tail. She couldn't see his face, as he stood much taller than her, though he wasn't as tall as her family. Inside the bathroom, there was blue box with the words 'Police/public call/Box'. "Look," the stranger spoke on a phone. "she's only young, a filly mind you, so the world is new to her. ... Yes, she's busy with her family at the nightclub I'm in right now. ... Do you doubt my abilities? I know she's going to meet you tomorrow! ... Well it's because I'm a bloody-" "Hello?" He froze for a few moments. "Let me call you back." He put his phone away and slowly turned around. Though it was only a few seconds, Derpy got a good look at him: he was a subspecies of her with an almost Mohawk looking mane, blue eyes, a muzzle in the shape of a dog, and he wore a green tie with a white collar, despite not wearing any clothing. He jumped back. "OH NO!!!" He yelled, running into the blue box. "NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!" "WAIT!!!" Derpy yelled. The door closed behind him, shutting him out. Derpy got up to her hind legs and started to hit on the door. "Who are you!? And why do you feel so familiar!?" The machine let out a noise as the machine began to appear, then reappear, until it was gone. Derpy stood there with a wide open mouth. "Who... who was that pony?... and why did I call him a pony?" In the morning, everyone sat around the table again. Derpy thought hard on that stallion last night: was he her father? Is he some sort of Guardian Angel? And who would she meet today? And why the tie? "So, Leela," Bender spoke "you must have had your pick of the litter last night at closing time." "Could you guys please stop talking about my personal life?" Leela asked "And why are you so silent, Derpy? It's unnatural." "...Last night, I-" Derpy spoke "Yes, let's all talk about Leela's personal life later." The Professor interrupted "But right now we have business to attend to. "A delivery?" Fry asked "No. A tax-deductible mission of charity." He flipped a switch, the lights dim and a translucent holographic image of a planet is projected over the table. "This is Vergon 6." The computer spoke. "This is Vergon 6." "Buh!" Amy replied sarcastically. "It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals." "Animals!?" Leela asked in full attention "That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super-dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds." "Wait! What about the animals?" "Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow." "Yes, but what about the animals?" "The wha?" "The animals." "I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals. "So we have to bring back two of each kind. Just like Noah's Ark." "Why two?" Bender and Derpy asked. "Uh... Derpy, you'll understand later, but as for you, Bender." She leaned in an whispered something to Bender. let out an 'oh!', followed by laughing immaturely. "And Derpy... just avoid Maroon 5." Fry, Bender, Derpy and Leela all sat in the cockpit as they flew to Vergon 6. "I bet you Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye." Fry said "That'll take forever." Bender replied "What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes, then poke one out." "Yeah, that'd be a timesaver." "Do you mind?" Leela asked "Here you go." Derpy said, pulling out a fork "You can use this as an eye-poker!" "Thank you. But I don't care how many eyes a man has ... as long as it's less than five. All I'm looking for is a guy who's adventurous, self-confident... and maybe a snapper dresser." "That'll take even longer." Bender commented. "... LOOK!!!" Derpy pointed. Outside, a giant spaceship flew over them. "That's Zapp Brannigan's ship!" Leela said "Wow! The Zapp Brannigan?" Fry asked "Uh-huh!" "...Who's Zapp Brannigan?" Derpy asked "Only one of the most famous star captains of the Democratic order of Planets; Doop for short)" Derpy and the men snickered. "What's so funny?" "It rhymes with poop." Fry answered, followed by them all laughing. The laughing lasted for a few moments, but stopped as Leela gave everyone a death glare. "Thank you for that input. But Doop didn't know what to call thselves, and this was the best they could come up with. Anyways, they say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly saved the Octillian System from a horde of rampaging Killbots. "Wow!" Derpy replied "A grim day for robot-kind." Bender commented "Ah, but we can always build more Killbots!" "He's the most decorated captain in the whole Democratic Order of Planets." Leela spoke, almost dreamily "Leela's got a boyfriend!" Fry teased "No I don't. But I think we ought to meet with him and see if he'll help us rescue those animals." "Well, just in case you guys hit it off, you'll wanna take this with you." Bender replied as Derpy handed Leela the fork. They easily entered Zapp's ship (called the Nimbus) and entered the large control room. They saw only a small Amphibiosan in a red suit with white gloves & boots. "Is that Zapp Branigan?" Derpy asked "I'm not sure," Leela replied "Hello, I'm Leela, captain of the Planet Express delivery ship. We've come aboard to plead for your assistance. "Well, if there's anything-" the Amphibiosan replied, only to be interrupted by a handsome human male with blonde hair and, though muscular, had a bit of a gut. "I'm in command here." He spoke "Zapp Brannigan. Has my fame preceded me or was I too quick for you?" "Oh, not at all." Leela replied almost dreamily "I'm just so, uh, really thrilled to meet you!" "You're an impressive piece of captain. Beautiful and deadly -- a potent combination." Leela blushed as she accepted Zapp's extended hand "You don't mean that!" "But I do. I doubt I've seen more than three or four captains sexier than you, and only one who was deadlier." Zapp leaned in to kiss Leela's hand "I heard that one time you single-handedly defeated a horde of rampaging somethings in the something-something-system." Fry interupted "The Killbots? A trifle! It was simply a matter of outsmarting them." "Wow! I never would have thought of that!" "You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shutdown." "...That's stupid." Derpy commented. "Arrest that horse, Kif!" The Amphibiosan groaned and picked Derpy up. Derpy struggled and jumped into Leela's arms. "Derpy!" Leela yelled "Show some respect to the captain!" "She's right!" Zapp added "And Kif, show them the medal I won." Kif sighed and points to the medal on Zapp's uniform. I the Nimbus's Mess Hall, Leela, Zapp, Fry, Derpy, and Bender sat at a table, looking down at the rest of the crew who are eating. Kif groaned to himself as he grates cheese over Zapp's food. "Captain Brannigan," Leela spoke "we really need to talk to you about our mission. "Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal." Zapp replied "Right, men?" "... You suck!" A lone voice yelled in the crowd. "I like that man now." Derpy commented "We're hoping to save the animals of Vergon 6 from extinction." Leela continued "And if you could just-" Zapp spat out his drink "Vergon 6!?!?!?" He yelled "This light dinner is over!" He got up to leave "Wait! What's wrong?" "The Democratic Order of Planets prohibits interfering with undeveloped worlds. It's a little rule known as 'Brannigan's Law'." Derpy and Kif moaned to themselves. "But people already interfered. That planet was mined completely hollow." "Yes, by a Democratic Order of Planets mining crew." "This doesn't make any sense." "I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law. I merely enforce it." "Fine! We'll save the animals without your help." "I'm afraid I can't allow that. Guards!" A couple of guards came up and grabbed Leela, Fry and Bender. A lone guard grabbed Derpy by the loose skin on the back of her neck "What just happened?" Fry asked "He's throwing us in prison." Bender answered "Dang! Can I get this wrapped up?" Zapp nodded at Fry's request. They were now in the brig, sitting and waiting. Leela touched the force field around the doorway and got electrocuted. "Ow!" Leela exclaimed "I might've liked Zapp Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw me in prison." "You really are too picky." Bender commented. "I told you he was stupid." Derpy added. "...what do we do now?" Fry asked. "We need to escape!" Leela spoke "But how?" Some time passed, but Kif came along. "Captain Leela?" He asked, sounding annoyed. "Yes?" "Come with me." "Can I take someone with me?" "No, I'm afraid not." "Not even this little pegasus?" Leela picked up Derpy, who used her eyes as the weapons she used them for. Kif stared for a few moments, then frowned. "Fine! Just her, but the others need to stay." Leela and Derpy walked out of their cell, following Kif around the Nimbus's corridors "So why does he want to see me?" "The jackass wants to see you in his quarters." "Good. This will be my chance to reason with him, captain to captain." "And he wants you to wear this." Kif held up a skimpy outfit. Leela covered Derpy's eyes. "And, to help make sure your daughter isn't blind, I'll take care of her." "Please!" Derpy pleaded "Anything to avoid the stupid man!" Kif picked up Derpy as they walked away, Leela entering Zapp's room. "I think you mean the idiotic jackass." "The idiotic jackass who can bite my furry little ass!" They stared at each other seriously for a few moments, then laughed. "I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who thinks that way! I can only imagine what you'd be like being his second in command for years!" "You're that idiot's second in command!? How'd you survive a day with him!?" "I have no idea. I'm Kif, Kif Kroker." "Derpy hooves." They entered Kif's room; it was really small with only a window showing space. "This is your room?" "Yes, I know, it's super small and right below Zapp's room." "...At least you have a good view of space." "...I guess you're right." Kif quickly switched into his pajamas "I just hope the captain doesn't need me again." "Why would he need you again?" "For his moronic... and unpleasant requests." "Why are you even working for this jackass? Shouldn't you be with some sort of other captain that ACTUALLY knows what they're doing?" "I wish, but orders are orders. I do say, I've never seen a creature like you around. What are you?" "...I'm not quite sure myself." She yawned to herself "But I'm... really tired." "Same thing here. Come on, I think some sleep will help." Both went onto the bed together; while it's not as soft as Leela or Fry's bed, nor had the comfrot of Bender's gears, it was still nice to be with someone, especially if they shared the same feeling for a dumbass in control. "EROTIC!" Zapp's voice repeated from above "EROTIC! EROTIC!" Kif angrily held the broom in his room and banged the bottom to the roof. Derpy woke up with red eyes. "SHUT THE BUCK UP!!!" She fell back to the bed and slept like an angel, not even acknowledging what she yelled. Kif froze in fear, cowering in a corner. "...Maybe Zapp isn't so bad." He whimpered to himself. Then he heard soft moaning above. "Oh jeez!" A faint scream from Leela woke both Kif and Derpy up. Instead of screaming, Derpy got up and stretched herself as any animal would. "What happened?" she asked. "...We fell asleep." Kif replied, putting on his uniform. "Oh... that sounds nice." Kif carried Derpy back to Zapp's room, where Leela stormed right out. She took Derpy out of Kif's hands, not even saying 'thank you'. "Kif!" Zapp yelled. Kif's happiness went away immediately as he entered Zapp's room, then came out a few moments later. "If you follow me, your men will be back." They walked back to the brig, Kif pressing a button, letting the shields go away as yellow steam came out. "The fatso says you're free to go." Derpy giggled at the remark. "Really?" Fry asked "Why?" "'Why' indeed." Kif walked away, back to duty. "Bye Kif!" Derpy spoke, waving her right forearm. "What does that mean?" Fry asked "Nothing." Leela replied "So should we get our stuff and head down to the planet?" Bender asked" "We just talked, OK?!" Their ship landed on Vergon 6, the ground crumbling as they landed. Right around them, there were large nets and various instruments. "Alright," Leela spoke "we don't have much time to collect these animals. The planet is supposed to collapse in approximately... two hours ago!" "I'm on it!" Derpy spoke, taking a baton. "What the hell are you doing?" Bender asked "You'll see." As all the adults did their best to capture the animals physically, Derpy tried to do something differently. After getting some small animals, Fry, Bander, and Leela froze and stared as Derpy lead a parade of different animals, all playing instruments & following her into the ship's cargo bay. "Holy crap!" Fry commented. "Well... at least we now have plenty of time to escape." Leela commented, pulling out her board and checking off some stuff. "But be sure to find more." "Got it!" Bender replied. Derpy came back to Leela, but stopped as a small animal came out from behind some plants. It is mostly black, has one huge nostril in the middle of it's face and three eyes, one of them on a long stalk coming out of the middle of it's head. "Hello, there." The animal sniffed around Leela's feet. "Hmm. He doesn't seem to be on the checklist. "So, you're saying we can cook him?" "Yeah, a barbecue!" Fry added "I'll wear my hilarious apron!" "No!" Leela replied "I don't care how hilarious your apron is, we're not cooking him." She leaned down and picked up the animal "Aww! I'll call him Nibbler." Derpy stared in silence at what happened, then growled, seeing her target and nemesis! Leela walked with nibbler, setting him down in the cargo bay with the other animals. "I hope he'll be OK in there with all those big animals." Yes, Derpy thought Mother Nature, please, make sure that thing becomes a snack! After some time, they caught the last animal. "I found a pair of hermaphlamingos." Bender announced "Good." Leela replied "That's the last species." Fry opened the cargo bay door, only to see Nibbler sitting in the room, no animals around. "Hey! What the-!?" Bender placed the Hermaphlamingos on the floor. "Where'd they all go!?" Fry asked "And why is he still here!?" Derpy yelled in anger. Nibbler sniffed, then began to eat the Hermaphlamingos! Everyone watched and cringed at the sight, Derpy screaming in fear and running away. She ran into the cockpit, still screaming, and pressed on all the button in hopes of escaping the creature that ate every living thing in the cargo bay. The place shook, but not from Derpy, but Vergon 6. Everyone came back inside, Leela still holding Nibbler. Derpy screamed again, opening Bender's chest and hiding in there. She cowered near Bender's gears, holding onto one of his beer bottles for comfort but still shivering. "Prepare for lift-off!" Leela's muffled voice ordered. Silence "We're out of fuel! Bender, I told you to fill the tank before we left." "Yeah, I'll do it when we get back." Bender replied. The place shook again "Man, lucky for us Zapp Brannigan's nearby." Fry spoke "No way!" Leela replied "Forget it! I refuse to go crawling back to him!" "What? What are you talking about?" "Nothing. We just talked." "So what's your problem?" Bender asked "It's not like you slept with him." Silence fell. Derpy peeked her head out. "Mom?" she asked. "You... Did you-?" "Oh, my God!" "How could you, Leela!?" Fry asked "I thought you had some standards. I mean, jeez, he's a dumb, gross gorilla!" "That's enough!" Leela yelled "Don't you think I feel bad enough already?" "No!" Derpy yelled in anger. The ground shook violently. "Alright, alright. I'll call him!" She pressed a button and the videophone comes down. "I mean, if living is that important to you." The video showed Zapp, turning around in his chair "Hello, Zapp?" "Well, well, well!" he replied, sounding like a terrible James Bond. "Zapp, we're out of fuel... and Vergon 6 is about to implode. We need your help." "So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious." "Bird's don't crawl." "They've been known to." "Look, are you going to rescue us or not?" "Can't you ask a little more ... sexfully?" Leela looked at the crew. Fry and Bender make encouragig gestures at Leela, though Derpy shook her head and went back into Bender's chest. Leela took a deep breath and asked 'sexfully' "Please? Big Z?" "Certainly. But first you'll have to get rid of that thing." He pointed at Nibbler "And that hosre thing you have. That's the law, Leela, and Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love: Hard and fast! Now put those greasy rats outside and we'll tow you to safety." "I would never abandon a helpless animal and my daughter, especially! Y'know, Zapp, once I thought you were a big, pompous buffoon. Then I realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But now I realized that outside that child is a big, pompous buffoon!" "And which one rocked your world?" "You're a dumbass!!!" Derpy yelled. Leela growled and slamed down the receiver, Zapp's face fizzles off the screen. "Wow!" Fry exclaimed "Way to tell that guy off. Now what's your secret escape plan?" "Uh, I guess to sit here and wait for death." Leela replied "Can do!" Bender replied, putting his feet up and reclines in his chair. A huge bang was heard and the ship jerks backwards. "What the hell was that?" Everyone turned to see Nibbler over a small, black orb "Pew!" Fry commented, fanning the air in front of his nose. "I don't believe it!" Leela replied "It's dark matter!" "So this guy just unloaded a steaming pile of starship fuel?" Bender asked. Derpy screamed again. "OH MY GOD!!!" she yelled "I LICKED THOSE THINGS!!!" She screamed again and ran away. She ran into Leela's captain's chambers and jumped into the bed, covering herself with a pillow. The ship rocked and flew away before the planet could explode. Cheering was heard, but Derpy hid herself. After a time, Leela came inside. "Derpy? She asked "Derpy!? I have a muffin for you!" Derpy whimpered to herself. Leela walked over and lifted the pillow, seeing Derpy in the corner, cowering and shivering. "Aw, what's wrong?" "... What you did. You slept with that fat man... and you took Nibbler fast. You love nibbler more than me!" She teared up, hiding herself. Leela held Derpy up and placed her on her lap. "Aw, I'm sorry, Derpy. Yes, I slept with the dumbass Zapp, and yes I took Nibbler in, but there's a good reason for those." "...Like what?" Derpy sniffed "Well, Zapp tricked me out of pity... and for Nibbler, well he's a pet." "...A pet?" "He's not as smart as you and while yes, he does drop Dark Matter, there's nothing that can make me feel more accomplished than by being with you." "...Really?" Derpy smiled, still tearing up. "Really. Plus, Nibbler hasn't eaten us, and I'm not sure why." Derpy giggled to himself. "Maybe he's the person I'm suppose to meet." "Meet?" "I'll explain." Derpy gave Leela a hug "I love you so much, Mom." Leela returned the hug. "And I love you too, Derpy." They both released each other. "So what was it that you wanted to tell me before this mission?" "...Oh yeah! I think I discovered my species at the club." "Really!? How!?" Derpy began to explain what happened at the nightclub and was unsure about the strange stallion. Leela decided that, for better or for worse, she would teach Derpy Kung-Fu, in case the stallion and any other strange person came along to her if her family isn't around. As for Derpy, she'll keep an eye out for that stallion... and not be as scared of Nibbler, as he seems to not be interested in eating anyone. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me History lessonsInside Fry & Bender's apartment, Fry sat down on the couch playing videogames, old 8-Bit Nintendo to be exact. Derpy walked into the room, seeing Fry play "Battletoads" It was a beautiful day outside, but Derpy was stuck inside with Fry, who was too busy with his gaming. Derpy watched as Fry sucked on the first level, being geaten so easily & getting the "Game Over" Screen. "You suck at this." Derpy commented. "Hey!" Fry replied "I was a great gamer back in the 20th Century! And I doubt you can play!" "I can't; hooves." "That's your excuse? Or are you a chicken?" Derpy's eyes went straight "What did you just say?" "I didn't stutter. Are you a chicken?" "...Nobody calls me chicken!" "Then beat it!" Fry handed Derpy the remote. Derpy took the remote controller and began to play. Fry stared with wide eyes and an open mouth as Derpy not only passed the third stage so easily, but the entire game itself! "That was easy." Derpy commented, pushing the controller to the floor. "EASY!?!?!?" Fry yelled in shock "Derpy! You single handily beated the hardest game from my time! With no fingers!" "...That was the hardest game ever? It was child's play." "...You are a God among us now." "Have any other game that you want me to beat easily, prove that it isn't hard?" "I got nothing. Why did you come here anyways?" "I was bored, but this helped out a bit." "Well... you want to go to the park or something? I can teach you what life was like back in the 20th century." "That's what the heads at the museum are for." "Then you want to talk to them?" "I don't see why not. Both Fry and Derpy walked around the head museum, meeting interesting people that were famous before Fry's time, but who were also famous after Fry's time being cyrogenically frozen, most through questionable means like Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, and Amber Rose. The most weirdest ones had strange, and kinda racist names, like Jerry Purpdrank, Piques, and Kingbach, who became famous for using something called 'Vine' that restricted them to only 6 second videos. Most of these celebrities were questionable to both Fry & Derpy, though Derpy took her disliking by pushing them off their shelf, especially a Canadian girl with an attitude. Derpy stopped near the head of a woman with long, red hair "Hello there." She spoke "The name's Lauren Faust, or as most people remember me, the creator of cartoons like Powerpuff Girls, Foster's Home for imaginary friends, and the underrated movie The Iron Giant." "And I'm her husband." A man's head with curly black hair next to Lauren added "Craig Mccracken, the REAL creator of those things that no one talks about." "Oh please, many of the stuff you made are considered 'girly', so it would make sense they followed me more." "Yeah, but most of your fanbase are guys, I have very little people following me." "Oh, but I have you to thank for my followers, and I'm sure there's other that follow you." "Maybe, but I'm kinda glad we died together in 2009, though I wander what would've happened if we survived and worked for Hasbro." "Who cares, we're together again." Derpy blinked at the two, the scooted away. She stopped at another head, this one facing the other way. "Who are you?" She asked "I'd rather not tell my real name," he replied "but please, call me Tatsurou. Tats for short if you want." "What are you famous for?" "...Fanfiction." Fry's laughter was heard. "Now I hate the past." Fry and Derpy sat together together in the living room, looking through the television channels. Most of the news channels they skipped were boring news channels and really stupid reality shows like 'App Argo' & 'The real housewives of Omicron Persei 8'. Fry stopped at a channel as a cartoon played. "Why'd you stop?" Derpy asked "I actually remember watching this as a kid myself." "This!? Turn it off!! TURN IT OFF!!!" "Aw, give it a go. This is much better than most of the crap that's on right now, even if it's older than me." "Wait... it's older than you?" "Yeah, and anyone can watch them, no matter how young or old you are." "...Fine, but if it sucks, we're scrolling more." "I doubt that." Both Fry and Derpy watched, and laughed, at the various cartoon involving a Coyote failing at catching a road runner, the rivalry between a rabbit & a duck, and many others. Derpy was especially surprised at the fact that they're all voiced by one man only, and was especially surprised at just how free moving everything was unlike most cartoons that felt a bit restricted. "Are there any other shows like this?" "Hm... There's Animaniacs, but we'll give T.V. a break for now." "Aw, pwease!" "Derpy, I'm not falling for your eye & baby talk again." She continued "Derpy." She continued even harder "...Fine, we'll see what's next." Hammerman played. Derpy turned off the T.V. by throwing the remote control at it's screen and threw it out of the window, crushing some little blue people in Klan white robes. She laid on Fry's lap with her tummy exposed. "Rub my tummy. I need to get rid of those nightmares." "But we now need a new T.V." Derpy pulled out a large wad of cash "Get yourself one, but my belly needs rubbing!" "Alright, calm down." Fry began to scratch Derpy's belly, letting the filly squeal in delight. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me Fear of a Bot PlanetProfessor Farnsworth, Fry, Leela, Bender, Zoidberg, and Derpy sat together in the Madison Cube Garden's Stand. This was Derpy's first Blernsball game ever, and a chance for everyone to have some fun together. "Hey, nice seats!" Bender said "We're close enough so when you knock a player down with a beer bottle, he stays down!" "Ooh! I wanna try!" Derpy bounced. "Bender!" Leela yelled "What?" "I don't get it." Fry spoke "Is blernsball exactly the same as baseball?" "Baseball!?" The Professor replied "God forbid! "Fry," Leela answered "Baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up." "Boring!?" Fry replied "Baseball wasn't-... hmm, so they finally jazzed it up?" Below, a player hit the ball into the sky, though the ball was on a string. Fry jumped out of his seat. "Home run!! Woooo!... Right?" The ball sprung right back, a player caught & held onto it, flew through the air and hits a base. The empire signaled an 'out!'. Everyone cheered as Derpy watched Leela write onto the chart. "What just happened? Why is the ball on that springy thing?" "It's traditional. Just like aluminium bats and the seventh inning grope." Another hit. A player jumped & caught the ball, but released it and is Bender caught him. "I got me a souvenir!" He cheered. Bender placed the player next to Derpy. "Here you go, kid!" Derpy cheered and began to pet the man's head as if he were a teddy bear. "Why do they allow this?" He asked himself. Moments later, Zoidberg came back from using the restroom and gave everyone hotdogs. Derpy's souvenir, named 'Joe Change', had to use the restroom himself, but didn't return just yet, letting Derpy enjoy the rest of her hot dog. "Mmmm, at least hot dogs haven't changed." Fry commented "Why does mine feel like it's moving?" Derpy asked. "Who cares," Bender replied "Who wants popcorn!?" Everyone agreed on wanting popcorn. Bender stood still and pop sounds were heard inside. He then took a large tub of popcorn out of his chest cavity. "Anyone want butter on that?" He began to pump his antenna and Derpy watched where the Butter came out of, making her cheeks perk up, and then puke all over a Blernsball player below her. "I'm starting to get the hang of this game!" Fry spoke "The blerns are loaded, the count's three blerns and two anti-blerns and the infield blern rule is in effect, right?" "Except for the word "blern" that was complete gibberish." Leela replied. The blernsball fell into a hole and indescribable mayhem ensues! Everyone, including Derpy, cheered at the mayhem which had multiple blernsball shot out rapidly, the player riding over exploding bases with a scooter, and a giant spider coming out. "...What just happened?" "Miller's on a pace to hit 70 blerns!" "He's good all right." The professor replied "But he's no Clem Johnson. And Johnson played back in the days before steroid injections were mandatory. "Clem Johnson?" Bender replied "That skin bag wouldn't have lasted one pitch in the old Robot Leagues! Now Wireless Joe Jackson, there was a blern hitting machine! "Exactly!" Leela replied "He was a machine designed to hit blerns! I mean come on! Wireless Joe was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels. "Oh and I suppose pitching at 5000 was just a modified howitzer." "Yep." "You humans are so scared of a little robot competition you won't even let us on the field." "But I'm not a human." Derpy commented. "Fine! You Meatbags are what I just said." " What are you talking about?" Fry asked "There's all kinds of robots down there." "Yeah doing crap work! They're bat boys, ball polishers, sprinkler systems. But how many robot managers are there?" "Eleven?" "21?" Derpy asked in a strange voice "Zero!" Bender yelled, throwing his bottle on the floor and it breaking it. A small robot came out and cleaned up the mess "And what a surprise! Look who's scraping up the filth! Is it a human child? I wish!" "Oh dear Lord!" The professor yelled, leaning forward and clutching his chest "What's wrong!?" Fry asked in panic. "Heimlich maneuver!" Derpy yelled "It's..." the professor spoke "my...new pager!" He took his pager out of his lab coat and turned it on. A holographic image of Hermes appeared in front of him. "This is Hermes." he spoke "A package just came in. Everyone is to return to the office immediately." Everyone grumbled at the news. A pigeon lands next to Hermes' image. "Get away you filthy bird! Shoo! Professor turn me off quick!" "I'm sorry what?" The bird took off with the hologram, Hermes screaming in pain. Derpy and Bender laughed together at the sight. "See you all at the office!" In the office, Bender, Fry, Leela, and Derpy sat on the table. Both Fry and Leela scratched Derpy, Fry with her ears and Leela on her... butt. Bender was yelling at them "Admit it!" He yelled "You all think robots are machines built by humans to make their lives easier. "Well, aren't they?" Fry asked "I've never made anyone's life easier and you know it!" "I beg to differ." Derpy replied, though sounding relaxed. Farnsworth and Hermes entered the room, though Hermes was bandaged up. "Great news everyone!" The Professor announced "You'll be delivering a package to Chapek 9. A world where humans are killed on sight!" "Why is that great news?" Fry asked "I'm glad you asked that question, Fry. You see Chapek 9 was colonised centuries ago by a murderous crew of radical robot separatists. "Oh so just 'cause a robot wants to kill humans that makes him 'radical'?" Bender replied "Hey hold on," Leela spoke "I understand these robots hate humans but how do they feel about humanoid aliens? "...They're not fans." "And what about me?" Derpy asked "...I'm not quite sure, actually. "That's why Bender will have to make the actual delivery." Hermes added "Oh I get it, make the robot do all the work!" Bender whined "This is the first actual work you've ever had to do around here." Leela replied "Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday." "Really?" Derpy asked "Which one? "Only Robanukah. The holiest two weeks on the robot calendar." "Oh come on Bender," Leela spoke "Last month it was Robomadan and before that Robonzaa. "Man that one was a blast!" Fry commented "I can't even remember a single thing." Derpy added "It wasn't just a blast," Bender replied "it was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest. "Now look here Bender," Hermes spoke "I respect your diversity to the extent the law requires but you used up all your days off when you had that bout of Roberculosis." "...All right, I'll go. But so help me, I'll hold a grudge against every last one of you for the rest of your lives." "Well then it's settled!" Farnworth exclaimed "So long everyone!" After a while, the ship approached to Chapek 9. "So let me get this straight," Fry spoke "This planet is completely uninhabited?" "No!" Bender replied in annoyance "It's inhabited by robots!" "Kinda like how a warehouse is inhabited by boxes?" Derpy asked. "Whatever." Everyone stood in the Cargo Bay. Leela pressed a button and the Cargo Door opened with the magnet slowly lowering "OK Bender," Leela said "we're here. It's time to get to work." "Yes Miss Leela," Bender mockingly replied "tote that space barge, lift that space bale." "HI-YA!" Derpy yelled, kicking Bender's leg and making him fall. "I did good, mom! I kicked Bender's ass!" Bender got up and grumbled to himself. Leela picked up Derpy and rustled her mane. "Very good, Derpy!" Leela praised before turning back to Bender "Now we can't land on the surface because those robots will kill us, so we'll have to stay up here and lower you with the winch. And remember: You don't know humans, you don't work for humans, and above all, you don't like humans! "I'll try to keep that in mind." Bender murmured to himself He stepped on & held onto the winch. Leela lowered him to the ground. "Hmm, he seems pretty angry." "Yeah but I guess I'd be angry too if I had to go to some uninhabited planet." Fry replied "Maybe we ought to do something nice for him." Derpy added. In the Ship's Cockpit, everyone decorated the room with banners, paper people and beer available for the adults to drink (Derpy had Root-beer available) "There." Leela spoke "That ought to show that stupid robot we care about him." The phone beeped. "Ah! Bender must be done with the delivery." Fry commented. Leela answered the call; Bender's face appeared on the screen. "I'm in trouble!" Bender panicked "They found out I work with humans and - oh no, oh no!" He was dragged off into the darkness and The phone cutted out. "...Well... we're boned." Derpy commented, opening a bottle of rootbeer and drinking it. "Oh my God!" Fry exclaimed "We have to go down and rescue him!" "No we can't!" Leela replied "They'll kill us on sight!" "Well what are we going to do?" "I don't know, I don't know. It's not an easy decision. If only I had two or three minutes to think about it." "The best I can think of is disguising ourselves as robots." Derpy spoke before drinking her root-beer again. Both Fry and Leela stared at Derpy as she finished her bottle. "...what?" Fry and Leela used Scarp metal to make their costume while Derpy wore her adorable robot costume from Amy. "OK. If we're going to save Bender, we've got to look and act exactly like robots." Leela spoke "I am fully operational Captain." Fry replied in a robotic voice "We have to walk like robots, talk like robots and if necessary solve complex differential equations like robots." "I can sort of dance like a robot. Will that help?" Fry sort of danced like a robot. "Ugh, Fry first of all this is serious. And second of all." Leela danced like a robot. "Both of you are cute," Derpy commented, "but this is how you dance like a robot!" Derpy did the robot herself, which impressed both Fry & Leela. They lowered themselves to the surface on the winch and, they saw a huge robot complex. "Man, we look stupid." Fry commented "We should've gotten store bought costumes." "You looks stupid," Derpy replied "I'm adorable!" "Yeah, she's right," Leela agreed "and there wasn't a Woolworth's in this quadrant." They reach the gates of the complex but are stopped by two huge robot guards. "Halt!" The one on the right ordered "Be you robot or human?" The left asked "Robot...we be." Leela replied "Uh yup!" Fry agreed "Just three robots out roboting it up!" He does his robot dance "Eh?" "Administer the test." The left spoke "Which of the following would you most prefer?" The right asked "A: A puppy? B: A pretty flower from your sweetie or C: A large properly formatted data file?" "Choose!" Fry and Leela whisper to each other about the answer. Derpy walked to the robots "Pwease sir?" Derpy asked "We've been widicuwed by the humans and we seek a new home for our famiwy. Can't you wet us pass?" Derpy did her Bambi eyes. "...Oh man!" The right exclaimed "Her cuteness levels... are off the charts!" "Don't fall for it!" The left replied "That's a human thing!" "Can't... head... going to-" His head exploded. "...oh crap. Uh... I... guess you can pass now. Just... oh crap, now I see how cute you are." His head exploded as well. Derpy laughed evilly as she rubbed her foreleg's hooves together. They continued on their way and walked down an empty corridor. "Now if you see any robots, just stay out of their way." Leela spoke An alarm went off and Hundreds of robots come out of doors from all sides towards them. Though Leela & Fry were pushed, Derpy stood still... along with lines of robots exploding around her like dominoes. Another alarm went off in the next minute and the robots were gone." Derpy picked through the destroyed robots, taking their money off of them. "So far, so good!" Derpy chuckled to herself, placing the money in her boots. They approached a robot construction worker giving directions to a crane, building a mutli-colored wall of blocks in different, shapes of 4 blocks. "Have you seen this robot?" Leela asked, showing him a picture of Bender as a magician. "Sorry, can't help you." He replied. Derpy began to whistle a tune. "HIGH SCORE!!!" The crane yelled, blocking multiple blocks down, each disappearing. They continued on their way, but Both Derpy and Fry were now awkwardly walking . "Come on you two," Leela ordered "Walk like a robot. "I can't!" Fry replied "I have to go to the bathroom!" "Me too!" Derpy added "I gotta potty!" "Robot's don't have bathrooms." Leela replied "Oh right." Fry replied "I wonder where they all smoke in high school?" "POTTY!!!" Derpy exclaimed, now hopping up & down. "Just go behind those garbage cans!" Leela replied "I'll stand guard" Both Fry and Leela ran to the garbage cans. Derpy jumped into a garbage can while Fry did his business outside. Derpy could hear a robot outside talking to Fry, though she was glad that no one could find her, doing her own business of waste in waste. The robot zoomed away and Derpy stuck her head out, smelling the fresh air. Leela was about to sneeze, but Derpy stopped her from sneezing. Fry & Derpy let out a sigh of relief as Leela stopped, but was followed by Derpy sneezing herself. A robot nearby stopped and gave a mechanical shriek. Leela kicks it over and they ran off. "Intruder alert! Intruder alert!" A voice yelled throughout the loudspeakers "Quick! Let's duck in here!" Leela yelled. They ran inside a movie theater, where a horror movies of the 1950s complete with an all-American college boy and his beautiful yet naïve girlfriend, but with robots instead of humans. Out from a bushes in said movie, a human (actually a robot actor wearing a human costume) appears out of some bushes, tearing off the male robot's head off and eats it I will eat, then shows off it's 'organs'. The crowd gasped at the sight. "Wow the 3-D's great!" Fry exclaimed "Mine's not working!" Leela replied, moving the 3D glasses back and forth over her eye. "This movie sucks." Derpy commented. In the movie the human stumbles around, breathes fire and finally collapses. It has an arrow in its back. The female robot and a Robot General approach it, commenting on how 'indestructible' it was until it died from a stick in it's back. The general points into the camera at the audience saying humans can be anywhere, including the movie theater. Every robot, including Fry, screamed Everyone walked out of the theater. "OK. Keep an eyeout for Bender." Leela spoke. Two robots approached them "So what did you think of the movie?" One of them asked "Umm, too much romance, not enough human killing." Fry answered "Yeah, it was a real chick flick." The other replied "It sucked to me." Derpy added. A loud fanfare was heard. "What's that?" Leela asked "What do you mean "What's that?"?" The first robot asked "Its 5 o'clock: Time for the daily human hunt!" The robots all take out weapons of different sorts and file off in the same direction. Everyone else followed. "Try to stay with the crowd so no one notices how crummy you look." "Awww that was uncalled for!" A crummy robot that looked like Fry replied "Other way, mom." Derpy spoke. All the robots congregate around a platform. On the platform stood another robot, this one older looking and with a banner in Lite Brite labeled 'Mayor'. "Welcome to a very special human hunt." He announced "We have with us today a guest who's irrational hatred of humans makes me look like a human sympathiser!" The crowd laughed at the joke "A newly arrived refugee from Earth, lets hear it for: Bender!" Bender emerged from the shadows and stood at the microphone. "It's him!" Fry shouted "He's OK!" "Death to humans!" Bender yelled. The crowd cheered "Ahh! It's good to hear his voice!" "Many said I was too extreme when I first called for the annihalation of the human species, as well as some of the more cunning monkeys. But after living on Earth I can tell you that I am, if anything, too merciful!" The crowd cheered again. "My God! He's become evil." "Ahem?" Derpy spoke. "Uh... I mean eviler." "Thank you, thank you." Bender continued "And if you enjoyed that diatribe then you'll want to purchase my spoken word album," He pulled out an album with a picture of Bender on it and with it's title 'Bender Lets Loose'. " just 18.95! Act now and you'll get this Bender action figurine." He pulled out a tiny toy of himself with a sting on it's back. He pulled the string and the action figurine spoke, in a smaller voice 'Bite my shiny metal ass!'. The robots pulled money out and wanted to buy Bender's crap. "Let the hunt begin!" The mayor announced Many of the robots ran out to hunt for humans, though a crowd, including Fry, Leela, and Derpy, stuck with Bender. "Now. Your basic human is between three and twenty five feet tall and is made of a hairy, oily goo wrapped in a t-shirt." Bender explained "Is it true they bite your neck, suck your transmission fluid and then you become a human?" A robot asked "Sure, why not?" "Dumbass." Derpy commented. "Anything in the trap?" The mayor asked. There was a large mouse trap with the sign 'Free Butter' on a stick of butter on a plate. "Nothing." Bender replied "Today's active humans prefer a low calorie bait." "Well that makes 146,000 unsuccessful hunts in a row. But I've got a good feeling about tomorrow." "Wait, what's that?" Bender pointed at an abandoned building "Oh, that's the old abandoned adult book store. Nothing in there except a few mouldy old shreads of robot pornography. "Hmmm, sounds like a breeding ground for humans. I'd better check it out." "We better follow." Leela whispered Bender looked through robot porn; circuit diagrams. "Oh yeah!" Bender spoke to himself "You're a bad girl aren't you? "Psst! Bender!" Fry whispered. Bender jumped and stuffed the porn into his chest "Huh? Wha? You! What the hell are you doing here?" "We've been looking for you. Last we heard you were under arrest as a human sympathiser." "I was, but they let me go when I told them that I'd killed a million billion humans." "Good for you," Leela replied "Now lets all get back to the ship." "What for?" "We're rescuing you." Derpy replied "I don't wanna be rescued." "Say what?" "I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame and access to sleaze that those things bring." "But Bender, we're your friends." Fry pleaded "Friends? That activates my hilairity unit! I'm just a machine to you. You're no more friends with me than you are with the toaster, the phonograph or the electric chair." "That's not true!" Derpy repelled "Well that's how it feels to me!" Bender turned around and stayed silent "...Bye Bender. I'll miss you." "Go on, get out of here before you get caught." "Bender, good news!" The Mayor announced as he entered. "Your album just went gold! What the? "It's the humans!" Another yelled "Bender! Do something!" "Ahem." Derpy spoke. The robots looked down at her. She placed her costume's head back on and did her bambi eyes. Without any words, all the robots heads exploded. "...Aw Crap!" Bender yelled "There goes my money! Oh well, we might as well go. Everyone ran outside, where the robots saw them, yelling 'humans!' over and over. They ran towards the winch with hundreds of robots chasing them. They jumped onto it and Leela presseed the button. "So long suckers!" Derpy mocked. The robots began to stand on each others shoulders and pile up "Uh, hello suckers!" "Hey hold on a second I forgot to deliver the package." He tossed the package to the robot on top. He lost his balance and fell with the rest of the robots, the package bursting open with Lugnuts. The robots cheered as everyone else made their escape. In the cockpit, Bender saw the decorations "Wow, I can't believe you guys did all this for me!" Bender asked in surprise "This is the best Robanukah ever!" "We wanted to show you that we really do respect your robot heritage." Fry replied "Aww, thanks! You do know I made Robanukah up to get out of work right?" "Of course." Leela replied "But that doesn't make it any less meaningful!" Derpy added "In that case - let the dancing begin!" Bender announced Fry, Leela, and Derpy did do their robot dances. "Hey you guys are good. How the hell do you do that!?" Several shots were taken: Everyone serving a glass of martini, Bender with a cake, Fry, Leela, and Derpy lifting Bender as he sat on a chair, Bender holding a broken beer bottle to Fry's neck with Derpy holding a broken chair leg as a weapon, a group shot together, and Derpy puking with a bottle of Bender's beer next to her. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me Science is fun!Derpy sat on one of the tables is the Professor's personal lab. The giant bird from earlier sat in it's cage, slowly turning what was a demonic looking thing, listening to something in French. Professor Farnsworth came back witrh a stack of papers about as big as Derpy herself. "Now Derpy," the professor grunted as he slammed the pile next to her "we're going to test your I.Q. to see where you stand in the intelligence department." "Are you saying I'm stupid?" Derpy asked with a low growl. "Oh no, we just need to see how overdeveloped, or undeveloped, you are in most areas, measure it up, and test how smart you are." Derpy gave Farnsworth the best evil eye, but it made her look adorable than frightening, making him laugh. "Hehehe, if cuteness were part of it, then you'd exceed over everything else. Have fun!" He turned and left, locking Derpy inside. Derpy pulled a piece of paper and looked at it. Choose the right spelling. ALSO Remember this: blue, red, blue, yellow. A. Antidistestablishmenterianism B. The right speling C. Antidisestablishmentarianism D. Antidistastalishmentarianisem E. Antidisastablishmenterianism Define the answer to #1. A. Opposition to the withdrawal of state support or recognition from an established church, esp. the Anglican Church in 19th-century England. B. Opposition to the separation of church and state. C. The manner in which letters are put together to form words correctly. D. Opposition to reformed education prospects and undefined healthcare propositions. E. Opposition to the use of non-human animals in research and development projects, esp. for purposes of determining the safety of substances such as foods or drugs. Unscramble this country name inamrtaiua Unscramble this animal name. clakb-ltidea crjbatbkia What does MMORPG stand for? A. Multi-media online role played game B. Massively multiplayer online role playing game C. Multi millionaires of River Park Gates D. Multiple-man option rugby players game E. Millimeters of rapid penetration of gas What does HTML stand for? A. An internet function that allows the use of macron listing. B. Hurtful, Terrible, Mean Language. C. That which continues to allow majenta an Internet presence. D. Hyper Text Markup Language E. HelpTest Marking Lister What does EBITDA mean? A. Earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation and amortization. B. Earnings before interpoliticizing, taxes, deceleration and apprecition. C. Emerson Brettson's inheritance denerezation annual. D. None of the above. E. It does not exist. What is origin of the world "mistletoe"? A. Anglo-Saxon for "dung on a stick." B. Anglo-Saxon for "double leafed stem." C. Hebrew for "red berry stem." D. Hebrew for "hidden fruit." E. Dutch for "evergreen." In 2007, more people were killed in Chicago, IL, USA than soldiers in Iraq. A. False B. True Which US government official is second in line of succession to the US presidency? A. Secretary of the Treasury B. Secretary of State C. President Pro Tempore of the U.S. Senate D. Speaker of the House of Representatives E. President of the Senate The Byzantine Empire was the western half of the later Roman Empire. A. True B. False Which empire was not included in ancient Mesopotamia? A. Sumer B. Akkadian Empire C. Babylonian Empire D. Assyrian Empire E. Ashur Which elements does it take to spell "nerds" using the chemical symbols on the Periodic Table of Elements? A. Nitrogen, einsteinium, radon, sulfur B. Neon, rubidium, dysprosium C. Nitrogen, erbium, darmstadtium D. Nickel, einsteinium, ruthenium, silicon What atomic number of an element on the Periodic Table answers the math problem of the atomic number of nitrogen times the atomic number of magnesium? A. Fluorine B. Actinium C. Radon D. Polonium E. Neodymium Who is the lead singer of My Morning Jacket? A. Roger Daltrey B. James Jim C. Jim James D. Bob Roberts E. Rob Rodgers What is Roger Daltrey's middle name? A. Edin B. Harry C. Henry D. Peterson E. Alex You went to the store and got 100 packs of gum. Each pack cost $1.50. You give half to your friend. How much did you spend on yourself? (Write it in correct dollar format w/ cents.) Remember? A. Red, yellow, yellow, blue B. Blue, red, blue, yellow C. Red, green, yellow, red D. Green, yellow, blue, red What does hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia mean? What shape was the original game of monopoly? 3, 9, 33, 129... What is the next number? The US has won every war in which what animal was used? A. Dogs B. Mules C. Horses D. Pigeons Which list contains all of the US presidents who were born in Britain? A. Washington, J. Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Taylor, Garfield, and W. Harrison B. J. Adams, Jefferson, Madison, and Monroe C. Washington, J. Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, J. Q. Adams, Jackson, and W. Harrison D. J. Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Hancock, Franklin, and W. Harrison E. Coolidge, Madison, Monroe, J. Q. Adams, Taylor and W. Harrison What is Cockney rhyming slang for "curry"? A. Doris Day B. A la mode C. Ruby Murray D. Abergavenny E. Dancing Bears You have 23 apples and you take away 12. How many do you have? A. 11 B. 12 C. 23 D. 121 E. None What percentage of your brain are you said to be using at one time? A. 10% B. 20% C. 3% D. 95% E. 50% 27. Name this animal. A. Chimaera Fish B. Plesiosaurus C. Blade Fish D. Palenesaurus Hybrid E. Camera Fish What year did this event take place? 29. What is this called? A. Full Pallete B. Full Measure C. The Grand Staff D. The Ledger Line What is the average IQ, by definition? There are 7 months with 31 days. How many months have 28? Now that you know what cockney rhyming slang is, translate this to normal English: rub-a-dub-dub. There is a one story house on Elm St. that is all purple- the roof is purple, the walls are purple, the floor is purple, the ceilings are purple, the chairs are purple, the tables are purple, etc. What color are the stairs? A box manufacturer has the option of producing hat boxes as right rectangular prisms or as cylinders. If the hats are y inches high and x( to the power of 2) inches wide at the widest part of the brim, write a ration of the surface area of the smallest possible prism to the surface area of the smallest possible cylinder. Simplify the ratio as much as possible. If on a computer there's 15 different programs and you can only use 5 each day, how many different combinations are there? 36. Find the measure of angle x Under ordinary conditions, what direction does water drain from a sink in the Northern Hemisphere? A. Clockwise B. Counterclockwise C. Unpredictable Which is the largest order of insect? A. Coleoptera B. Diptera C. Lepidoptera D. Orthopetera 39. Sudoku RulesThere is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 exactly once.Find "x" 40. Sudoku RulesThere is only one rule: Every row, column and section of 9 variously arrayed cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 exactly once.Find "x" Who is this quote attributed to? I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. A. Franklin D. Roosevelt B. Albert Einstein C. Alfred Maddock D. Guenther Rosner E. Dwight D. Eisenhower This song is by Led Zeppelin and is played backwards. What song is it? What is the shortest non-elliptical complete sentence in the English language? (no punctuation) What always ends everything? What English word retains the same pronunciation, even after you take away four of its five letters? A penny's volume is 360 millimeters cubed. If it has a quart capacity, how many pennies can you put into a empty piggy bank? How many letters are in the alphabet? If there are 46 teaspoons of sugar on the counter and you take 13 away, how many do you have? If I say "Everything I tell you is a lie," am I telling you the truth or a lie? A. Truth B. Lie It is an insect, and the first part of its name is another insect. What is it? What is the 9 letter common word in English that will continue to be a real, commonly used English word after you take away one letter at a time until there is only one left? What is the largest amount of money you can have in coins without being able to make change for a dollar? What does "karaoke" mean in Japanese? A. To sing B. Empty orchestra C. Many instruments D. No voice E. Type of raw fish What is the most common name in the world? A. Chen B. George C. Muhammed D. Li E. Jack What is the meaning of the word "lethologica"? A. To be in a life or death situation B. Instruments of death C. The state of tiredness D. To be partly illiterate E. The state of not being able to remember the word you want to Who coined the word, "nerd"? A. Lewis Carrol B. William Shakespeare C. Dr. Seuss D. James Joyce E. Sir Thomas Brown -40 degrees Farenheit is what in Celsius? A. -40 degrees B. -76 degrees C. -21 degrees D. 0 degrees E. 21 degrees If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white. A. True B. False The ages of a father and son add up to 66. The father's age is the son's age reversed. How old could they be? (separate by a comma and space, father's age first) I am the owner of a pet store. If I put in one canary per cage, I have one bird too many. If I fill the cages by putting in two canaries per cage, I have one cage too many. How many canaries do I have? What is the longest word in the dictionary? What kind of cheese is made backwards? If you are on a Mac using terminal what does the command Killall Dock do? What color was question 41 written in? A. Black B. Gray C. Green D. Blue E. Yellow What color was question 59 written in? Derpy growled to herself and bucked the piles of paper down! "He made you take those questions too?" Pazuzu asked in a somewhat evil voice. "I remember when he made me take that quiz myself." "Really?" Derpy replied "Well... what's the answers?" "He doesn't know himself, really. He puts all your answers in a scanner and determine what you are." "Well I'm tired of this crap! I want to do something fun!" "Hm... perhaps I can help, petit poney. Let me out of my cage and we'll do something fun!" "FINALLY!!!" Derpy ran to Pazuzu's cage and opened it. A couple of hours passed, and Farnsworth came back inside, but stopped as there were papers everywhere on the floor, a small machine beeping, and the fact that both Pazuzu & Derpy sat together, wearing goggles, though Derpy had a flask on her head, bubbling green liquid. "Pazuzu!" The professor yelled, shaking his fist "Get back in your cage!" "But Grandpa," Derpy pleased "Pazuzu and I were going to make the ultimate death weapon." "I don't care! And why the hell am I grandpa!?" "Please," Pazuzu replied "we've been making this, and we theorize that, with a click of this button, somewhere, a planet will explode!" "Explosions are fun!" Derpy added, clapping her hooves "And this type of science is fun!" "No fair!" The Professor replied "I wanted to explode a planet!" "Well c'mon! Press the button! The Science Button!!!" The professor walked to it, but Derpy and pressed it "3-2-1-EXPLOSIONS!!!" Rather than something exploding in the galaxy, killing millions of innocent lives, a single muffin appeared in front of them. Everyone froze. "...It made a muffin?" Pazuzu asked. Derpy pressed the button again. Another muffin. "Two muffins?" The Professor added. Derpy began to press the button multiple times and multiple muffins appeared. "IT'S A MUFFIN BUTTON!!!" Derpy cheered "THIS IS AWESOME!!!" She pressed the button faster than anyone's eyes can see and multiple muffins began to ovewrflow the room. "Back to the cage!" Pazuzu yelled, running back into his cage. "Stop!" Farnsworth pleaded "The building can't take it all!" "MUST... HAVE... MORE... MUFFINS!!!" Derpy yelled. The place fell apart as nothing more than a large pile of muffins was around. Derpy took a bite out of one of the muffins, enjoying herself, but stopped. Her pupils shrunk, followed by her cheeks perking up. She vomited. "Toothpaste and Orange Juice!?!?!?" She screamed again, running to a local pawn shop, stopped and bought herself a baseball, then returned, destroying the muffin button in the process. Her machine now laid in pieces, somehow, mixed with an electronic alarm clock. All the muffins turned into toothpaste and Orange juice, dripping into the drains to the sewers, along with the annoyed groans of the sewer mutants below. Farnsworth walked to Derpy as she began to cry. "There, there." He patted on her back. "It's alright. Everything's going to be fine." "Fine!? How's this 'fine'!? My doomsday device didn't go as planned, and though I loved the idea of a muffin button, they taste like crap! I'm beyond stupid!" She rolled into a ball as owls landed around her, pecking her and taking bits of muffins from her coat & mane. "Oh please! What you did was an accident, and even the most brilliant of us mad scientists make mistakes." Derpy's ears perked, followed by her head. "They-they do?" "Of course they do! Why, half of my inventions blew up in my face, but I never gave up, and soon, with determination, and a crap load of money, I was able to build many of the things, including the planet express ship, though that's still slowly changing." "Changing?" "Small changes to improve things that mattered and got rid of things that don't matter; I'm not like George Lucas after destroying his two famous franchises!" Derpy sniffed and smiled. "Aw... thanks Grandpa." "I'm not your-" Derpy hugged Farnsworth, stopping him as she rubbed her head on his chin. Farnsworth froze, but patted Derpy's head. "Oh Derpy, now I can see why everyone loves you. Come on, you're really quite intelligent." "Really!?" "Well not on my level, but close enough. Come, I think your destroyed machine can be used for something better." "Like what? A Death Clock?" "... that sounds genius! Measure someone's time they have left before they die! We are progressing the study of science by not asking 'why', 'but why not!?'!" Derpy gasped "Yeah! When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade; Make life take the lemons back!!!""That's right! GET MAD!!!" "I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS!!! WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO BE DOING WITH THESE!?!?!?" "Yes! Demand to see Life's manager!" "We'll make life rue the day that it can Farnsworth's and Hooves' Lemons!!! Do you know who we are!? We're the ones that are gonna burn your house down!!! ... With the Lemons!" "We're going to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!" People stared at the two awkwardly & in silent. "...Screw you all!!! Come! We've got lives to threaten!" Derpy snickered evilly as she rubbed her forelegs together, following Farnsworth into the destroyed planet express building to invent the Death Clock. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me A Fishfull of Dollars.In Fry's Bedroom, Fry woke up by squeaking bed springs from the apartment next door. "I can't take it anymore!" He growled to himself "They've been at it for hours!" He began to bang his fist on the wall "Give it a rest, you two!" A loud banging was heard, and he squeaking stopped, though footsteps were heard. Said footsteps were heard outside, then entered the apartment, and in Fry's bedroom, Derpy came in with blood shot red eyes, but had a smile on her face. She walked & jumped onto the bed, yawned, and flopped onto the bed, easily falling asleep. "Nice... and quiet." She murmured to herself. Soon, she began to lightly snore. Derpy found herself in a packed lecture hall. An old mare wearing frosted half-moon glasses and had grey hair stood in front of the room, and Derpy found herself surrounded by other ponies. "Good morning, everypony!" The mare announced "I trust you've all prepared for today's final exam." "Uh, excuse me?" Derpy asked "Where am I and what subject is this?" "Ancient Egyptian algebra, Ms. Derpy." She pointed at a blackboard filled with Egyptian hieroglyphs. "... It says it's 21." "Miss Derpy!? Are those your underpants?" "Underpants?" Derpy stood up and looked down, seeing that she was wearing only briefs. The whole class laughs and points. "...I don't get it." "Young ma'am, I think it's time you learned a lesson about Lightspeed brand briefs." She pulls down a poster showing red briefs. "Lightspeed fits today's active lifestyle!" A voice announcer spoke out of nowhere. "Whether you're on the job-" Derpy suddenly found in a company meeting wearing just Lightspeeds, though still confused "Or having fun!" Derpy sat next with the same, mysterious, brown Stallion on a bed. Just a pair of lightspeeds appear in front of a flashing background. "Lightspeed briefs, style and comfort for the discriminating crotch!" Derpy's head stuck out of the bottom left corner. "But I'm always naked." She replied. Derpy and Fry woke up at the same time. "What a weird dream!" Fry exclaimed "Did it involve briefs?" Derpy asked "Yeah... how'd you know?" "Lucky guess. Well, I'm going back to sleep." "You can, but I'll never get back to sleep!" Derpy watched as he fell asleep instantly. In the Planet Express Lounge, The staff sat around the table. Both Fry & Derpy shared what happened last night, though everyone though Derpy's was funny and, a tad bit weird as it was true she walked around naked except for a few occasions. "So you're telling me they broadcast commercials into people's dreams?" Fry asked "Of course." Leela replied "But, how is that possible?" "It's very simple." The professor explained "The ad gets into your brain just like this liquid gets into this egg." He held up an egg and injects it with liquid. The egg exploded, covering him and everyone in yolk. "What the-!?" Derpy yelled "So we're going to explode!?" "Oh no, in reality, it's not liquid, but gamma radiation. And no, you're not going to explode; that's only under microwave radiation." "That's awful." Fry commented "It's like brainwashing!" "Didn't you have ads in the 20th century?" Leela asked "Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio. And in magazines and movies and at ball games, on buses and milk cartons and T-shirts and bananas and written on the sky. But not in dreams. No, sir-ee!" "Quit squawking, flesh wad!" Bender replied "Nobody's forcing you to buy anything." "Yeah," Amy added "I mean we all have commercials in our dreams but you don't see us running off to buy brand-name merchandise at low, low prices." Everyone sat for a while with a long silence and awkwardly looked at each other. "... SALE!!!" Derpy yelled. Everyone ran outside, heading to the nearest Department store: Alien Overlord & Taylor The Planet Express staff enter the department store; the Professor & Zoidberg went one way, Fry another, leaving Leela, Amy, Bender, and Derpy together. Immediately, their group encountered a saleswoman at the cosmetics stand. "Hi! Care to sample the latest fragrance from Calvin Clone?" The saleswoman asked "No thanks." Amy replied. The saleswoman sprayed her. Amy curses in Cantonese and walkwed away, rubbing her eyes., leaving Bender and Derpy with the saleswoman. "And you, sir?" "No thanks," Bender spoke, putting Derpyh inside his chest "I-" The saleswoman sprays him. Bender gavbe her a death glare, but his head rotated. Derpy popped up with a spray can and sprayed the saleswoman. Both laughed as she coughed and fell to the floor unconscious. "Ah, seeing pain like that is hilariously cruel. Stay with Leela; I gotta... find some things." "Don't get caught, Uncle." Derpy replied. "Ah, I won't." He handed Leela Derpy immediately and ran into the menswear, taking a green sweater off & wearing it. "Unlce Bender's looking for some goods; Hopefully, he's fine with the wad of cash I left for him inside." "Ah, how generous." Leela commented. "It should be enough for a bail." "... okay." After a while, both Leela and Derpy sat on a chair at the cosmetics stand. A cosmetologist brushed away their fringes "What lovely faces." she commented "We just need to draw attention away from the eye area." She zaps both of their faces with something and then holds up a mirror. Leela sees her reflection and sighs; The woman plastered her face in lipstick, making her look like a clown. Derpy screamed as her face turned to what looked liked a monster. Luckily, they were fixed immediately, though Derpy knew that, if another advertisement didn't came, she'd have nightmares from it. Amy came back, helping Derpy out by picking some clothes that she should wear as both part of the job and a way to avoid being labeled a 'flasher' or 'streaker'. The clothes they found there four things; a mailman hat, button up shirt, pants, and a bag with a muffin as it's pin, all of which Derpy enjoyed putting on & trying out, though the windows broke from her appearance. Bender came along with his green sweater and what seemed like things under it. "Hey, Bender!" Amy greeted "Great new sweater." "New!?" Bender lied "What sweater? I came in with it. I don't know you people!" He walked away, followed by a hovering CCTV camera. "Huh... that's weird. Ok look: Fry!" They walked over to Fry, who looked down, though he seemed to be purchasing Lightspeed Breifs. "Hey! You're springing for Lightspeed? Pretty ritzy!" "No, I can't afford them." Fry replied "Being poor sucks. What kind of world is this where they advertise things not everybody can afford?" "Quiet!" Derpy yelled "T.V.!" Derpy pointed at the screen, where an old woman wearing a large, green dress & an apron around her front, sat in a rocking chair. "Hello, shoppers." she spoke to the audience "It's me, Mom." "Hey who's the rocker jockey?" Fry asked "Guh! It's Mom; The world's most huggable industrialist." Amy replied "ECH!!!" Derpy commented. "Call me old-fashioned," Mom continued "but when my robot starts to squeak like an old screen door, well, that's when I reach for a can of Mom's Old Fashioned Robot Oil." "Mmm, tasty!" Bender commented "And remember: Mom's oil is made with 10% more love than the next leading brand!" A picture of Mom's robot oil was shown with the logan 'Made with 10% More love than the next leading Brand'. ""Mom", "love" and "screen door" are registered trademarks of Momcorp." a voiceover spoke. Bender began to squeak loudly. "Hey, Bender." Fry spoke "Sounds like you could use a little of that oil." Some tins fell out of Bender's sweater. Seven hovering CCTV cameras surround him, making him look up. "I'm boned." Bender spoke. "Freeze, scuzzbot!" A police officer yelled. Derpy jumped out of Leela's arms and balanced on her hind legs. "There's obviously been some sort of a mistake here!" Derpy pleaded, only for more tin cans to fall out. "I'm sure there's-" More fall out. "I say I'm sure there's-" Even more fall out. "That is, I'm sure there's ... a very ... reasonable-" Everything fell. Everyone stood inside the New New York Police Department, Fry counting all the money the pitched in. "Do we have enough money to pay Bender's fine?" Amy asked "78, 79, 79.50." Fry counted "Crud! We're 50 cents short." "I'd love to chip in but Bender stole my wallet." Leela added "Yes... Bender." Derpy spoke, shifting her eyes. Fry looked through a window and sees the Big Apple Bank. "Hey, that's my old bank!" Fry spoke "Maybe my account's still open. They made it to the bank, where Fry stepped forward to the desk. A machine scans his eye. "Hmm, We don't seem to have your retina scan, your fingerprint or your colonic map on file." The teller informed "Yeah, well, I did open the account over a thousand years ago." Fry replied "What about my ATM card?" The teller pulled out an ATM machine from under the desk and blows the dust off it, causing Derpy to sneeze. "Do you still remember your PIN number?" "Sure! It's the price of a cheese pizza and a large soda back where I used to work; Panucci's Pizza." "OK, you had a balance of 93 cents." "Alright!" "Weak." Derpy commented. "And at an average of two-and-a-quarter percent interest over a period of 1000 years, that comes to ... $4.3 billion." The Teller continued. Fry and Derpy stared for a moment before hyperventilating and foamed at the mouth, followed by them fainting. Everyonbe in the planet expresss crew celebrated, all wearing top hats and drinking champagne (minus Derpy, who blew bubbles from a pipe) "I know Fry's rich, but do we really have to wear these top hats?" Leela asked "Maybe you don't understand just how rich he is." Bender replied "In fact, I think I'd better put on a monocle!" He does. "Ooh!" Derpy spoke "Monocle time!" She put on her own monocle and raised the English flag behind her, along with the head of Dave Chapelle. The time they had together was the closet that they'd live the high life: They went to 'Le Spa' where Fry, Leela, and Derpy got a relaxing massage as Bender got a buffing; They shot expensive paintings fired from a catapult; and they watched the super original Star Wars while torturing the head of Geroge Lucas, begging to show his 'masterpiece' other than what people thought was excellent. Everyone sat together at 'Original Cosmic Ray's Pizza'. "Pizza dinner on me!" Fry spoke with everyone cheering "Just keep the tab under $50 million." A robot chef came out of the kitchen "Yo!" He spoke with a whistles "I haven't got all day. What kind of pizza yous guys want?" "Uh, yeah, We'll have one with everything but anchovies and one with my all time favorite topping, anchovies!" "Invalid selection! Yo, what are you talking about?" "Anchovies? You know? Those little headless fish?" "Does not compute! Does not compute!" His head exploded. Derpy laughed at the sight. "I'm sorry, Fry, but the anchovy has been extinct since the 2200's." Farnsworth spoke "What!?" Fry asked "Oh, my, yes. Fished to death. Just about the time your people arrived on Earth wasn't it, Zoidberg?" "I'm not on trial here." Zoidberg replied defensively. "So none of you has ever had anchovies?" Fry asked "Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were all salty and oily and they melted in your mouth and-" "Stop! Stop! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying "One more can't hurt" and then they were gone. We're sorry!" He held his claws to his head and hung in shame. Derpy walked to him and gave a love tap on his head, followed by looking through his wallet, only to toss is away. "I just wish I could've showed you guys how great they were. I may be rich but I still can't buy back all the things I miss from the 20th century." "Maybe you're forgetting just how rich you are." Bender replied. Both he and Derpy puts on their monocles back on. "Huh? Huh?" Amy, Bender, Derpy, and Leela looked around Fry's new apartment; an original 20th Century apartment. Everyone was confused about the old stuff around. Fry entered through the door. "So? What do you think?" Fry asked "I know you spent a lot of money on this place, Fry," Leela replied "but it's awfully primitive." She stomps on the floor "The floors are made of such hard wood." Derpy stepped on a squeaky part "This is fun!" Derpy exclaimed "Hey! Get a load of this pathetic 20th century TV!"Bender spoke, sitting on a recliner "What's wrong with it?" Fry asked "Well, aside from causing eye cancer, these things had a lousy low-definition picture." "That's true." Amy replied "On a TV like this I bet you couldn't even make out my obscene tattoo." She rolled her sleeve up to reveal her obscene tattoo. Bender whistles and Leela chuckles. "...What's that?" Derpy asked. Leela gasped and covered her eyes. "Cover that up!" Amy rolled down her sleeve. "But I wanna see!" "Only when you're older." They all sat, surrounded by rich people in 'Staadgi & Staadgi Auctioneers'. Fry placed a bid for a skeleton. "I just don't get it." Leela replied "Who's this Ted Danson, and why would you pay $10,000 for his skeleton? "I have an idea for a sitcom." Fry answered "Cheers!" Derpy spoke, drinking tea. "Ah, leave him alone, Leela." Bender replied "So he's going a little wacko with his money. It's OK." "You're just saying that because he bought you that antique robot toy." Leela replied. Bender chuckled "Yeah, it is cute. Wanna try, Derpy?" "Would I!" Derpy replied. They both with the "Knock 'Em, Sock 'Em" toy. Derpy's robot, the blue, punched Bander's red robot's head off, causing him to scream. Derpy laughed hard at the sight. "Now, our final item:" the auctioneer spoke "This unopened can of Angry Norwegian brand anchovies circa 1997.". "Anchovies?" Fry asked "The last known can in existence guaranteed fresh and edible. Do I hear $10,000?" "15,000!" "20!" A man yelled "30!" A Decapodian Woman yelled "No, 40!" "50,000!" Fry yelled The other bidders whisper to each other. "Are you crazy?" Leela asked "It's a can of old fish." "Don't tell me how to spend my money." "50 going once," the auctioneer spoke "twice-" "75,000." a familiar woman's voice spoke Everyone turned and gasped; Mom stood at the back of the room with three men. "Oh, my God!" Leela exclaimed "It's Mom! I've never seen her in person before." "100,000." Fry spoke. More whispering came from the bidders. "Fry, you can't bid against Mom; she's the richest, most powerful person in the world. And she's so adorable." "Adorable!?!?!?" Derpy yelled "Go for the kill, fry!!!" "DERPY!!!" "Well, I suppose I could go as high as ... 300,000." Mom spoke "500!" Fry yelled "Oh, mercy be. A million." "Two." "Six." "14!" "I can see the nice young man really wants those little fish. Nevertheless, I'll bid 23 million." Fry stood up and rose his hand. "One jillion dollars!" Everyone gasped. "Sir, that's not a number." The auctioneer replied. More gasping "Oh. In that case, 50 million." Another gasp. Mom turned to three men behind her- "Well, boys," she spoke "your old mother knows when she's been beat You win, young man. I tip my bonnet to you." Everyone but Derpy d'awwed at the sight. The auctioneer banged his gavel. "What a class act!" He announced "Sold! To the gentleman who bought every item in today's auction." Fry stood up with Derpy, cheering for themselves, but the others "boo" him. Three days had passed and Fry wasn't at work. Leela, Bender, and Derpy checked on Fry to see if everything was fine. Leela knocked on his door. "Fry?" Leela asked "Are you there?" "Eh?" Fry replied from the other side. Leela opened the door and they all walked in. Leela turned on the lights as Fry was on the couch, wearing a brown jacket over a stained white shirt, and only wearing his underwear. "You haven't been to work in three days. What have you been doing?" "I've been sitting right here. I picked up my life exactly where I left off a thousand years ago. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's eight o'clock. Time to get biz-ay!" Fry turned on the stereo and Sir Mix-a-Lot's played. Derpy threw a VHS tape at the stereo, destroying it. "HEY!!!" "You can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music." "I could if you hadn't turned on the lights and Derpy destroyed the $200,000 stereo." "Fry, this isn't healthy. You're living in the past." "I'm rich! I can live whenever I want." "But we're your friends and we live here in the year 3000." "Yeah!" Bender agreed "Now are you gonna come to the squid fights with us or sit here wallowing in your prehistoric junk?" "Squid people are fun!" Derpy added. "Junk?" Fry asked "Maybe you can't understand this, but I've finally found what I need to be happy and it's not friends, it's things." He stood up and walked towards the door. "I'm a thing." Bender replied, sadly though "Just leave me alone." Fry opened the door & Leela and Bender walked out. Derpy followed but stopped "Pwease?" Derpy asked, doing her eyes. Fry groaned and slammed the door on her face. Leela and Bender gasped. Derpy stared with a shocked look, her eyes teared, and outside, a robot pianist played very fitting music. "Derpy?" Leela asked. Derpy sniffed, then began to laugh. "He ignored my cuteness." she spoke with a cackle. "And now... his money... is... MINE!!!" She pulled out a piece of paper with on it, 1077, and Fry's wallet. "Come on! Let's take that bastard's money and teach him what it means to ignore Derpy hooves!!!" "Derpy... that sounds wrong." "I'll split it with you two." "TO THE BANK!!!" Bender yelled. Derpy made herself a new account, but placed 1.43 billion dollars in both Bender's and Leela's accounts, making them all rich. All three sat on the lounge's couch as Farnsworth sat at the table. "You're Fry's relative," Leela spoke "Do you have any idea how he got so crazy?" "Uh, wha?" Farnsworth replied "Oh, yes! They say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad! And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters. Atomic supermen with octagonal-shaped bodies that suck blood out of-" he walked out of the door. Derpy wrote in a journal. "I think we could add my cuteness as a weapon." Derpy spoke to herself, drawing the supermen farnsworth described, thought of, though they shot out hearts. Suddenly she sees a trail of muffins leading out the building... "MUFFINS!" On the other side of the trail, Walt lay waiting with a net and mallet. "Wait, if Fry's poor now. Mom's going in the front to buy the anchovies right now. So why do we need to do this?" Asked Larry. "Between her new wealth and cuteness. She's a potential rival to MOM! Needless to say, Mother feels it best if she takes a LOOONG vacation..." "Will there be Hula dancers?" Asked Igner excited. Walt responds by slapping him across the face annoyed. At that point Derpy jumps in the limbo. "HA! We got you you stupid pony!" ME WANT MUFFINS! The three brothers scream as the limbo flips over with them inside as the little terror goes for the pancreas... While everyone ignores the typical screams of agony and destruction from yet another Derpy rampage outside. Fry entered through the other door. "Leela!" He gasped "Bender! Derpy! "I missed you so much!" Exlamied Fry desperate, having not noticed Derpy wasn't currently in the room. "You did?" Leela asked "What happened?" "I was robbed. They got everything except these." He help up the anchovies. Both Derpy and Bender snickered to themselves. Bender cleared his throat. "Who did?" Bender asked, having a hard time suppressing a laugh. Leela gasped, as Mom stood in the doorway." "Hello, Fry." She spoke "It's Mom!" Leela exclaimed "I feel terrible about your money troubles and I thought maybe-" Derpy screamed as she suddenly jumped into the room and pulled out a gun. "DIE, MOM, DIE!!!" Derpy yelled "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE DERPY HOOVES AND MY ADORABLENESS ALIVE!!!" She fired the laser gun, making everyone scream & sending Mom jumping out the window in fear of her life! Derpy fired nine bullets before the gun overheated. She took in deep breaths before letting out a sigh of relief. "So... how do those anchovies taste like?" The whole staff, except for Zoidberg, gathered around the table. Fry opened the tin of anchovies before putting each small fish on slice of pizza, though still shaken at Derpy's sudden change from calm, to craziness, to calm again. "OK, my friends." Fry spoke "Get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted!" "I don't know, I've had cow." Amy replied. Everyone took a bit our of their pizza slice. Everyone, but Fry and Derpy, enjoyed their slice. "Ah, no one likes them at first but they'll grow on you." "They're so good!" Derpy added, she's so busy stuffing her face she doesn't see one get caught in her mane. Zoidberg came in, sniffing the air. "That stench!" He exclaimed "That heavenly stench!" He ate the rest of the pizza. "More! "There aren't any more." Fry replied "And there never will be." Zoidberg tipped the table over and moves towards Fry & Derpy raising his claws. "More! More! More!!! MORE!!!" Derpy screamed again, pulling out a laser assault rifle and fired everywhere, snapping Zoidberg out of his phase and made everyone fall to the floor, ducking for cover. "Relax creep! Those nice men outside gave me TONS more money if I stopped using their ribcages to sharpen my knives! WE CAN MAKE MORE ANCHOVIES FOR EVERYONE!" She brings out a HUGE bag of money covered in blood. Bender wipes away a bead of battery acid tears, "That's my girl!" ...several weeks later... From her hospital bed, Mom's eye twitches as a news report shows Derpy having bribed farnsworth to use the bit of anchovie caught in her mane to create a super-storm that rains anchovies! It also seems to have gotten Derpy hair mixed in by accident, which turned out to be an even better catalyst then any third world Orphan! Decapodians and Robots were celebrating in the street as they found themselves gorging either on fish or the lovely oil that squirted from the fish! "Where the hell did she even get the money to do this!? Fry didn't have nearly enough for all this!" She screamed as her sales of oil started to plummet... "Oh, we paid the nice pony a large chunk of your money so she'd stop beating us." Explained Igner from the opposite hospital bed while his brothers frantically tried to kick him from their own beds to get him to shut up... FIVE minutes later the boys needed to be moved to ER to get Mom's foot surgically removed from their asses... Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me True organization."Why do I have to look after her!?" Hermes asked. "Because I told you to." The professor replied "You know I can't have kids around here!" "I don't care! If you don't allow her here, then you're fired!" Derpy sat outside Hermes' office, counting her money again and checking her notebook on how expensive or cheap each project was. Herme's office door opened and Farnsworth came out. "Now, Derpy, you'll be with Hermes for a while." "The bureaucrat who files EVERYTHING!?" Derpy asked "Oh, my, yes, but don't worry, he's not too attached to the job, I'm certain he'll make the time for you." "I won't!" Hermes yelled from his office. "Just don't cause too much trouble in there." Derpy walked into Hermes' office, seeing the large bureaucrat filing some papers. "Hello!" Derpy spoke. Hermes didn't reply, but was busy stapling some stuff together. Derpy hopped onto a chair, then jumped onto Hermes' desk. "What cha' doin'?" Still no answer. Derpy sat on her haunches with a noticeable 'Hmph!' as Hermes continued organizing his papers. Just by him working, Derpy felt her eyes getting heavy from boredom, shaking herself awake every now & then. Soon, she fell forwards and napped lightly, but woke up immediately. "I'M AWAKE!!!" Still no response. Derpy grunted to herself, jumped off the table, and sat on a stool on the floor. "Oh look! Loose papers!" Hermes didn't look up. Derpy sighed, sitting on the stool & leaned forward. The stool moved forward & Derpy flared her wings, putting the stool back in it's original position. Derpy then leaned to the right, making the stool follow her, but Derpy shifted her weight back before it went too far. Having something fun now, Derpy began to lean left & right on her stool, rocking it and having fun. A lone owl came next to her and began hooting, followed by Nibbler coming in with a small drum set. Hermes looked up from his papers, but froze as he saw what was happening. "Get out of here you filthy bird!" Hermes yelled, getting up & shooing the owl away. The owl hooted, flying away as Nibbler began to chase it, no question that it was hungry. The owl flew around the room and Nibbler chased after it, crashing & throwing every paper around with the cabinets falling, spreading more papers. Hermes screamed loudly & fainted as the olw flew out of the room, followed by a drooling Nibbler. Derpy looked around the area, but saw something interesting in one of the open cabinets. Derpy peeked inside: a small suit around her size, a badge labeled only '5', and a pair of glasses. She shrugged to herself and put the stuff on, looking like a small, actually huggable bureaucrat that you didn't want to punch in the face. "Huh... I feel important... TIME TO RUIN LIVES!!!" Hermes awoke in his now more than clean office, but saw Derpy filing papers with a dispenser popping out a muffin every few minutes and an open furnace at her left. Derpy looked at some papers carefully. "Crap!" She said, throwing the papers into the furnace. "What are you doing!?" Hermes asked "That could've been important!" "Extra copies of Michael Bay's Tranformers 5 through 69 are important to you?" "No... they're... actually not." "And allowing bureaucrats to work twice as hard with half of the pay?" "Hell no! But-" "And how about letting really lazy people have promotions & soon run the company?" "...Who wrote this stuff!?!?!?" "Idiots who trick other idiots." "Alright, fine, but you've got to get out of my seat or else-" "I would like to do that, but first thing's first; you've got write a document containing all things on why you should take this seat back, including a full paragraph describing how cute I am, the number of things stolen from you, your childhood, two numbers, a childhood drawing, the batman logo, and a video attempt at Nae Naeing to the most unfitting music." "What the-!? Oh you're going to get it you little-" Derpy threw the papers at Hermes, cutting him off. "Swearing at me will also require you to write a ten thousand word essay on why I'm so great, why no one hurt me, and why muffins are the greatest." Hermes grunted to himself, taking the papers away to fill it out, leaving the room. "...Man, it's so fun being a bureaucrat! Ooh! Papers on how to get more money!" 3 Hours later: Hermes came back into his office Derpy had control over, complete with a video of him Nae Naeing it to the original Wii's Mii creator music before it was remixed and the ten thousand word essay on all three things Derpy requested. When he opened the door, he froze and stared as Derpy was dancing along with a green robot dog, Craptrap, Fry & Bender, some strippers (human, humanoid, and robotic), with the heads of Andrew W. K and the entire crew of Jackass with loud music playing. "What in Jamaica is going on here!?" Hermes asked. "We're being payed to do this!" Fry replied "What!? How!?" "I found a loophole in the system!" Derpy announced "Come on everyone! Let's party until our arms drop!" Craptrap's arms fell. "... Aw crap, guess I'm out." He moped to himself, rolling out. "It was a figure of speech." "Oh! ...continue the party!!!" Everyone cheered and continued to party for a few more minutes, as the song changed to one of Andrew's songs. Derpy turned to Hermes "I got the feeling you didn't do everything, but if you want to avoid it, then join the party!" "... I might as well." Hermes spoke, walking in & joining the cramped party. "Bureaucracy is so fun!" "It sure is, Derpy, it sure is." "Especially when you make people's lives a living hell! In fact," she pulled out documents "everyone will have to sign a waiver as soon as this party is over!" Everyone groaned. "NEVER!!!" Bender yelled "PARTY FOREVER!!!" The party ended in a few minutes, and everyone left with documents, signing all the things regarding the party. Both Derpy and Hermes laughed as they left. "That's my little Bureaucrat!" Hermes spoke, rustling Derpy's mane. He then goes back to work while whistling a certain song. "Aw, thanks Uncle Hermes." Derpy replied, rubbing her head Hermes' leg like a cat. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me My Three SunsThe door opened to the lounge room opened, entering Fry, Leela, and Derpy being held in Leela's arms, though Leela wore a green tank top instead of her usual white one. Bender sat down on the couch and watched 'Essence of Elzar', a cooking show presented by Neptunian chef, Elzar. "Hey, I'm Elzar!" He greeted to the audience "Welcome to the show! You know, you don't have to drive all the way to Neptune for great Neptunian food. Today we're gonna kick it up a notch as I show you how to fricassee a mouth-watering Neptunian slug." He hooted and turned on the oven. "Now, while you grease the pan and preheat your oven to 3500 degrees, you're gonna separate the yolk from your genetically-enhanced eggplant and then give the whole thing a good blast from your spice weasel. Bam!" "Hey, what you watching?" Fry asked. Bender jumped and quickly turned the TV off. "Nothing!" Bender replied "Is that a cooking show?" Leela asked "No, of course not! It was ... uh ... porno! Yeah, that's it!" Leela turned the TV back on and saw the program. "Bender! I didn't know you liked cooking!" Derpy giggled, hopping onto Bender's lap. "That's so adorable!" Derpy added "Oh, it's true!" Bender spoke in shame "I've been hiding it for so long." "Don't worry, uncle, I want to be a baker myself! We're practically the same units!" "And it's OK, Bender," Fry added "I like cooking too." Both Fry & Leela walked away. "...Pansy." Bender and Derpy spoke in unison before giggling to themselves. Derpy began to watch with Bender, watching Elzar walk to a giant slug in a glass case. "Of course," Elzar continued "your most important ingredient is this baby right here: The Neptunian slug. You can get it in a can but to really do things right you gotta strangle yourself a fresh one." He pulled the slug out of it's case and it began to grow rapidly. "Now this is why you gotta use cast-iron cookware." He slammed the slug in between it's eye stalks with a frying pan. Bender and Derpy watched and were spooked on what happened next. Bender had to go an meet up with Hermes in his office about him being lazy or something. When he came back, as Fry, Leela, and Derpy played a videogame together. They paused, seeing Bender wearing a chef's hat and an apron. "You're gonna be the ships cook?" Fry asked "Yeah!" Bender replied "We're gonna kick it up a notch. Bam!" "I know you like cooking shows," Leela replied "but you're a robot, you don't even have a sense of taste. "Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top." "OHH!!!" Everyone yelled but Leela, who just stared angrily into space. Fry, Leela, Derpy, and Bender walked down a street called 'Little Neptune'. The place looked run down, and the presence of it had Derpy hold onto Fry's leg out of fear. "So this is Little Neptune?" Fry asked "Yep!" Bender replied "Every chef knows that this is the place to get exotic gourmet ingredients." "Among other things." Leela added. "Let's get the stuff and get outta here!" Derpy practically pleaded. They continued to walk, halfway past a dark alleyway. "Psst!" A man'ce voice spoke, causing Fry to stop, seeing a man in a trench coat. "You want to buy organ?" He opened his coat, revealing human organs pinned to the inside "Fresh and cheap. Ready for transplant!" Derpy held back her barf, seeing the organs. "Ooh! What's this?" Fry asked, pointing at an eyeball "Ah! Is X-Ray eyes. See through anything!" "...Wait a minute! This says' Z-Ray'." "Z is just as good. In fact, is better. Is two more than X." "Hmm, I can see where that would be an advantage. Do you take cash?" Derpy bit into Fry's leg. "OW!!!" Leela came in and quickly pulled the two away, carrying on their walking. "Fry!" Leela yelled, taking Derpy back into her arms "You have to be more careful; Derpy is too young to see something like that!" "I almost puked at that sight." Derpy added, her cheeks perking, but swallowed it down. "Oh, there there, Mama's here." Leela scratched behind Derpy's ears, calming her down "And you're not in the 20th century. You don't know how things work here." "I'm not a little kid, Leela." Fry replied "I grew up in this city. These are my people." He waved to slug looking alien "What up?" "Word!" the alien replied "See?" They entered the market and began look around. "Wow! You guys sell every kind of meat here except human!" "What?" a clerk asked "You want human?" "We have a great sale on horse!" another added. Derpy's cheeks perked at it. She jumped out of Leela's arms, ran to the bathroom, and puked into the toilet. After she finished said, puking, she looked up and noticed that not only was she in the men's bathroom, but the same stallion from the other night & in her dream was next to her, using the sink to wash his forehooves. He stopped washing and turned to Derpy. They both stared at each other for a few moments, not sure what to say to each other. "...Did the Neptunian said they had a sale on horse?" Derpy nodded. "Saw a man selling human organs earlier?" Another nod. "Yeah... Phillip J. Fry is going to be there, believing he can get gills, just to let you know." He turned off the sink and entered the blue box again. "We shall technically meet each other for the first time, soon enough, Derpy." Derpy shook her head. "What!?" She asked "What the hell does that mean!?" "Language! You'll find out on the titanic!" He shut the door to him machine and exited the same way as last time. When it disappeared, Leela kicked the door open and grabbed Derpy. "Quick!" Leela yelled "We have some asses to kick!" After both Derpy & Leela kicked both kicked the asses of two men, who were trying to take Fry's gills, they were back in Planet Express's lounge room. Fry sat at the table while Leela walked around; both Derpy and Bender sat on the couch and watched Elzar. "What the hell were you doing!?" Leela scolded "I warned you to stay away from those guys." "Yeah!" Derpy added "Were it not for that strange stallion, you would have no lungs!" "Ooh! A Stallion!" Bender replied "Was it good looking?" Derpy turned to Bender, but had a recognizable blush on her cheeks. "Uh... No... maybe?" "I'm capable of making my own decisions, Leela." Fry talked back to Leela "Did you ever stop to think I might be happier with gills?" "We'd be happier if you got a brain." Derpy replied. "Ooh!" Bender replied, covering his mouth with his hands. The door opened and Farnsworth entered "Good news, everyone!" The professor greeted. Derpy gasped "Is the Death clock ready!?" Derpy asked "I don't like the sound of that." Bender replied "Not yet," the professor replied "but you'll all be making a delivery to the planet Trisol-" "Here it comes." Bender commented again "A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone." "Thank you, and goodnight." He drank some beer "Uh, Professor," Leela stammered "are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone? "Why, of course! It's just a name! Like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror!" "Uh, Professor-" he shooed everyone away "Off you go. Pleasant trip! In the Ship's Cockpit, Zoidberg and Amy join the crew for the mission as Fry leaned back on his chair, Leela piloting the ship, and Derpy watching her in silence while taking notes. Bender was in Ship's Galley, wearing a chef hat and a new apron which has "To Serve Man" printed on it. Curious for herself, she peeked through the galley to see what Bender was cooking. "Hey, Bender," Fry shouted "how's dinner coming?" "Almost ready!" Bender replied. Derpy watched as he took a Neptunian slug out of a pot of boiling water, putting it on a plate and shoving an apple an apple in it's mouth. "Now for a dash of salt!" He coats the slug in salt and it shrivels up. "Uh-oh!" Derpy shivered at the sight and went back to the cockpit. In the ship's mess, the crew sat around a long table. Bender carves the tiny, deflated slug. "Listen," Leela whispered "this is Bender's first meal and he's a little sensitive. So let's be supportive, OK?" They all nodded and took a bit into their slug. "Oh, dear God!" Derpy screamed. She spat out the slug, followed by everyone else. "That's the saltiest thing I've ever tasted!" Fry commented "And I've once ate a big, heaping bowl of salt!" "Need...Water!!!" Everyone guzzles down a glass of water and once again they spat it out. "Bender! Is this salt water!?" Amy asked "It's salt with water in it if that's what you mean." Bender replied "My vision's fading!" Derpy spoke, her eyes going straight "I think I'm gonna die!" "There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose." "Uh-oh! I shouldn't have had seconds." Zoidberg spoke. After some quick medical attention on everyone's huge dose of salt, they made it to the planet Trisol. Derpy sat on the floor, drinking her 10th water bottle, not even caring about her slightly bloated belly, just only to get rid of the salt inside her mouth. "OK, Fry," Leela replied, holding the package to him "here's the package to deliver. And for once in your life be careful. This is my first visit to the Galaxy of Terror and I'd like it to be a pleasant one." She slaps Fry's hand, who was mimicking her with his hand. "Ow!" he whined "Don't touch anything or talk to anyone. Just go to the palace, drop it off and come right back." "Jeez, will you lay off! I was delivering things before you were born! I think I know what I'm doing." He walks off without the package, but quickly returns for it. Derpy finished her bottle and breathed again. "Still salty!" She spoke "And Fry's gonna mess up!" "Really? What makes you think-?" "Oh you're on!" Bender replied, flashing his cash. "$500 says he won't mess up!" "Bender!" "Oh yeah!" Derpy replied "Well if Fry does mess up, not only will you have to pay me $500, but you'll have to attend a REAL cooking class with your won cash!" Bender gasped. "You bastard!!!" "What's wrong? Chicken!?" Bender's left eye twitched. "You are on!" Everyone entered the castle, where Fry sat on the throne with two Trisolian women at his side fanning him. Bender let out a moan of defeat, paying Derpy her cash. Derpy snickered to herself as she placed the money into her wallet. "So after I specifically asked you not to touch anything, you drank a bottle of strange blue liquid?" Leela asked in annoyance "It could have been poisonous acid!" "Told you." Derpy commented, putting her wallet away. "It could have been." Fry replied "But chances were equally good it was an Emperor." "Excuse me, Your Majesty," A Trisolian spoke with authority in his voice "I am Merg, the High Priest. If I might interject? "You might." "I humbly advise that as your first act you choose a capable Prime Minister. I suggest Gorgak, the previous appointee." "I will be a forceful and effective administrator." another Trisolian spoke, this one sounding very nasal "You know, Fry, I've often thought about becoming a Prime Minister." Bender spoke "I gotta go with Bender." Fry said with no second guess "Yes! In your face, Gorgak!" "That's it!" Leela yelled "Fry, as your captain I order you back to the ship. You are in way over your head!" "Gee, you think so, Captain? I'd better check with my Prime Minister." Bender sat next to him, being cleaned by the female Trisolians. "Stay the course, pal!" Bender offered "Your Highness, a package came for you." Gorgak spoke, giving him the same package Fry was supposed to deliver earlier. "Hey, thanks!" He took the package and opens it. It was a sign saying 'Please Don't Drink The Emperor!' "Wow! This got here just in time." He hung it on the column next to his throne. Inside the place, Derpy, Fry, and Merg were in a room with shelves containing bottles of Trisolians. "This is Your Majesty's harem." Merg spoke "You may choose any of these maidens to be your royal consort." "Um, how about that one?" Fry pointed to a random bottle. "Oh! I didn't realize Your Majesty was into that sort of thing!" "On second thought, I'll take that one." He points to another random bottle. "Hey, whatever you say. I'm not here to pass judgement." "Ooh! This one!" Derpy pulled a bottle out. "...Huh... I didn't realize she was from Japan. How old is she?" "I'm five years old!" They all stared at each other in silence. "You... may want to put that back." Inside the Trisol Palace Throne Room, The crew lounge around enjoying themselves as Leela paced around the room. "Does anyone else think it's odd that a shiftless 25-year-old delivery boy could drop out of the sky, kill the emperor and be rewarded instead of punished?" Leela asked "You don't have to beat around the bush, Leela." Fry replied "We all know who you're talking about ... uh, me, right?" "I don't think you have anything to worry about." Amy replied "These people seem really mild-mannered." "They are mild." Zoidberg replied "In fact, you're soaking in one right now. Amy screamed and took her fingers out of the glass. Gorgak appears from it. "You touched me in ways I've never been touched before." He spoke. "...So I drank one of them!?" Derpy asked, followed by burping a random Trisol out. Merg Entered "Ah, there you are," he spoke "Your Majesty. It's time to begin preparing for tomorrow's coronation ceremony." "A fancy dress gala!" Zoidberg exclaimed "I'll wear my formal shell." "Fry will be enthroned tomorrow at the setting of the three suns when we Trisolians enter our nocturnal phase." "There won't be a lot of long-winded speeches, will there?" Fry asked "Only one. The absolutely flawless recitation from memory of the royal oath. By you." "Will there be cake!?" "CAKE!!!" Derpy cheered. The crew and several Trisolians sat at a long table on stage in the Trisolian Banquet Hall, celebrating Fry's Pre-Coronation Gala. Some Trisolians perform on their own stage. Derpy enjoyed her cake as Leela was investigating around the place. Another Trisolian, this one a political satirist named Florp. His jokes, though Fry & the other Trisolian laughed at, didn't make the crew laugh. Derpy pulled out her notepad and wrote Florp down on people she'll need to take out before she dies. Leela came and whispered to Fry "Fry," she spoke "I have to talk to you. You're in terrible danger." "TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!" Derpy pleaded, jumping and holding onto Leela's arm with her back legs dangling. The three walked into the Palace Corridor. On the walls of the corridor are paintings of past Trisolian Emperors. "You see Emperor Plon here?" Leela asked, pointing at a painting. "He met his end when he was drunk by Emperor Strug. And before he could even wipe his mouth, Strug was drunk by Shwab. "So?" Fry asked "Look at all these guys. Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was?" "80,000 years?" "No. One week." "Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked unless it was really high or really low." Derpy facehoofed herself "Every Emperor ascended to power by assassinating the previous one. And guess who's next?" She pointed at Fry's portrait. Fry looked at some empty frames labelled "Fry's Assassin" and "Fry's Assassin's Assassin". "Well, at least my assassin will get what's coming to him." "You're in tremendous danger, you idiot! Half of these Emperors were drunk at their own coronation." "Hey, I plan on having a few brewskis myself." "No, they were assassinated. In fact, the law says you'll be killed on the spot if you fail to recite the oath from memory." "Like this?" Derpy asked, holding up a book called "Coronation Oath: Vol. 1". "Yeah, I was going to thumb through that later." Fry commented "That is completely reckless!" Leele snapped "Don't you ever think ahead!?" "Hell, no. If I stopped to think ahead, I wouldn't be Emperor. And I wouldn't even be here in the year 3000. It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus: All year long the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came and the grasshopper died and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a race-car. Is any of this getting through to you?" "...WHAT!?!?!?" Derpy yelled "WHAT THE F-" "I give up!" Leela yelled "You're gonna get yourself killed and this time I won't be here to save you." "Who asked you to?" Fry asked "I told you a hundred times to stop treating me like a baby. Now go. Go gather your nuts, you nagging grasshopper." Leela shouted and stormed off! "That's it! I'm never helping you again! If anyone except you needs me, I'll be in the ship." "I'll be fine. It's not like anyone's gonna drink me." "I can't even decide if this culture is matriarchy or patriarchy!" Derpy added, reading the book. "It's probably nothing." A panel slides across on a portrait and a Trisolian tries to drink Fry with a straw. He shoved it away in annoyance "Quit it!" On the Palace's Balcony, The Planet Express crew are gathered with Fry. Leela was nowhere and Derpy wondered if she should've left with her or not. Merg stood at a podium facing across the Trisolian surface where millions of Trisolians are gathered to hear Fry's oath. "People of Trisol," He announced "it is my honor to present your new Emperor!" The Trisolians applauded as Fry stood up and took Merg's place on the podium. He cleared his throat. "What up?" Fry asked. Silence. "Stick to the oath." "Right! I, Fry, who drank Bont the Viscous, who drank Ungo the Moist, who guzzled Zorn the Stagnant..." the time passed, and though Derpy was bored out of her mind. Her eyes became heavy, and she fell asleep. She had a dream that felt very weird, almost as if she lived that life before: she saw the same strange stallion having a drink of what looked liked beer, Derpy herself as a full grown mare with bubbles on her butt, and ponies everywhere. while the crowd wasn't the main attention, Derpy saw herself blushing & her wings popping up with the stallion in shock. She was in love with him. Before anything else can happen, she snorted herself awake and stood right up. The three suns were setting in the distance and the place became cooler. "-Who slurped Hudge the Dewy," Fry continued "who enjoyed a soup composed principally of Throm the Chunky, do solemnly swear to rule with honor and... insanity-- Uh, integrity!" "Congratulations, Your Highness." Merg spoke. He took Fry's shirt off. "I now present you with your royal unisex robe. Long live Fry the Solid!" He puts the robe on Fry as the Trisolians cheered with the suns setting. "Hey, look." Bender pointed as the crew walked behind Fry "The suns are setting. I can finally switch to hard liquor!" He pulled out a bottle from his chest cabinet. As the three suns set, the Trisolians begin to glow and turn into a lighter shade of blue. "Check out the glowing freaks!" "It's beautiful!" Derpy commented in awe at the sight. "Hey, what's that?" Fry's stomach turns blue and grows a face. Everyone gasped as the Trisolians quickly return to normal shade. "The Emperor Bont!" Merg shouted "He's still alive!" "Of course I'm alive!" Bont yelled "Now cut this creep open and drain me out!" The Guards close in on Fry, who clutches his stomach. "My tummy hurts!" Fry whimpered "RUN!!!" Derpy yelled. The all ran up the stairs into the royal throne room. "They're over here!" Bont yelled "they're running up the stairs." "Shut up, you!" Bender yelled, punching both Bont and Fry. They ran inside and bolt the door. "Let us in!" Merg yelled "Fry must die so that Bont may live!" "What am I gonna do?" Fry panicked "We've gotta get the Emperor out of your body before they kill you!" Amy pointed "Relax, Fry." Zoidberg replied "I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge, separating out the denser fluid of His Highness. "But won't that crush his bones?" Derpy asked "Oh, right, right, with the bones! I always forget about the bones." "Hey, why don't you just sweat him out?" Bender suggested "Forget it!" Bont yelled "As Emperor I refuse to be dripped out through somebody's armpit. "I could vomit or urinate." Fry suggested "Would you feel better about that?" "Slightly. But my favourite so far is the bone-crushing." "What about crying?" Amy suggested "That's a great idea! Crying." "Fine." Bont agreed "That or the bone one." Derpy gasped, followed by Bender's evil laughter. "I know just the thing!" Derpy spoke, running into a different room. After a while, Derpy came back, dragging a large sack. She opened it and in the sack were objects such as hammers, chairs, baseball bats, and a boombox. "What's this crap?" Bender asked "This," Derpy answered "Is how we're going to get the emperor out. ... HOLD HIM DOWN!!!" "What the-!?" Fry yelled, but was quickly tacked by everyone. Derpy turned on the boombox, and a very appropriate song played for what she was gonna do. "Derpy! What are you-!?" "Spread his legs!" Fry watched as his legs were spread open and Derpy walked with a hammer in her mouth. "NO!!! Derpy!!! Please!!! Anything but-" When 'X Gon Give it to ya' played, Derpy slammed the hammer onto Fry's crotch, making him scream like a woman as tears fell down his face. "NOW KICK HIS ASS!!!" Everyone began to bring their form of pain from Zoidberg using his claws, Bender putting a lit cigar on Fry's ass, and Amy pulling his hair, all of which made Cry pour tears and, with it, the emperor. Many of the objects were used, Bender smashing & breaking a chair on Fry with Amy using the baseball bat on him. Though Fry was in tremendous pain and crying really hard, Derpy found this to be really fun, especially when she imagined him as Zapp Branigan. Leela sat in the cockpit of the Planet Express ship, but heard the door opened. Walking inside was a beaten up with hair torn out Fry, still crying, followed by Everyone, though Derpy now sported sunglasses. "Fry!?" Leela asked in surprise "What happened to you!?" "...I'm sorry." he replied before falling unconscious. Derpy giggled mischievously. "What did you do?" "The emperor was still alive," Amy replied "and we had Fry cry him out." "It was fun!" Bender added "You should've been there!" "He'll fit into Skinny jeans now!" Derpy added, smiling innocently. Leela stared, then turned around. "Well, whatever you did, I hope he learned his lesson." "I'm sure he did. My baseball bat is ready!" She turned back, but rolled her eye and piloted the ship away. Derpy pulled out her boombox and played another song, dancing to it while putting on a gold chain and a baseball cap. "Thug life!" Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me An unnatural gift"NO!!! I HATE HIM!!!" Derpy screamed at the top of her lungs! She held onto the door's frame for dear life as Leela tried pulled her into one of the building's rooms: Zoidberg's room. Everyone was going to another planet for yet, another package delivery, but due to it's inhabitants having a love for equine meat, Derpy had to stay behind with Zoidberg for the mission. "Derpy!" Leela struggled "You have to stay!" "NO!!! Zoidberg sucks!!!" "You got that right!" Bender yelled around the corner. After a few moments of struggling, Leela successfully pulled Derpy into the office of Dr. Zoidberg, placing her on the lobster's desk. Derpy tried her best to hold onto Leela, but failed, missing Leela's arm and dangled over the desk. "We'll be back soon," Leela reassured "just behave yourself for a while." Leele closed the door behind her. Derpy sat on her haunches, crossed her forelegs, and pouted, grumbling to herself. "Yeah, like that's gonna happen." she said to herself "... Where's that cookbook?" The door opened again, and Zoidberg came in wearing the same doctor's outfit (which reeked of feces) and blue sandals (worse). Just the presence of him and his smell made the filly gag. "Relax, Derpy," Zoidberg spoke, walking and sitting on his desk. "I have studied your kind via internet and picture books." He showed her his 'evidence'. "...Those are cat calendars you idiot!" He looked at the calendars, then back to Derpy. "Fine, but I think you'll enjoy this ~bone~." He lifted a femur bone to her. Derpy swiped it away from him. "That's for dogs!" "Alright, calm down. I think you just need some fresh air." "Damn straight!" Zoidberg picked Derpy up, followed by him opening a window. He stuck Derpy out, who saw how high she was, and scrambled "AAHH!!! Zoidberg!!! What the hell are you-!?" "Have fun!" He dropped Derpy. Derpy screamed as she fell to the floor, hooves scrambling wildly in the air. She shut her eyes tight and covered her face as she was both close to the floor and felt a tingle on her back. All that was heard was a low buzzing noise. After a while, Derpy reopened her eyes and looked down; she was close to the floor, but her hooves dangled above just by a few inches. She heard the low buzzing noise and looked back: rapidly beating in a blur of gray, Derpy's wings were moving rapidly. I'm... flying!? Derpy thought to herself Hold on... I have wings on my back... I'm really different from that stallion... Derpy, you idiot! Flying is part of me! Derpy felt herself rise up a bit, feeling her wings beat harder. Wait a minute... let's science this. If I beat my wings faster, I shall rise, and vice versa. She concentrated, slowing her wings down a bit, making her descend Great! Now... what about moving forward? Maybe leaning? Leaning forward, she went forward a bit, though she had to keep her head up to remain in balance. Okay, but... why does this feel so familiar? Maybe I should just... let go. Taking a deep breath while closing her eyes, Derpy ignored all the things around her, focusing on something that was new, yet familiar at the same time. Reopening her eyes, she gasped as she was miles above New-New York's floor. "HOLY SH-" Before she could finish, a large honk was heard. Turning, Derpy saw a large truck about to hit her. She reacted quickly, flying below the truck easily and flew right up! She laughed at what just happened and released herself. She flew across New-New York, passing by the windows of cars & building alike, all with very fitting music played on the loudspeakers around. The wind moved her mane & tail back, adrenaline pumped throughout her body, but Derpy felt that she could conquer anything, and if she couldn't, it was an easy escape for her. She saw the Planet Express ship in the distance, along with the planet express building. Oh sweet Celestia! Just wait until they see this! ... Wait. 'Sweet Celestia'? Inside Planet Express's main building, Leela kicked Zoidberg as he rolled into a ball on the floor. "Where the hell is Derpy!?" Leela demanded "I told you," Zoidber replied through tears "she flew away!" "Preposterous!" Farnsworth spoke "due to the size of Derpy's wings and her weight, there's no way she could fly! Not unless she's a bee in disguise." "I'm telling the truth! She flew away after I dropped her out of the window." This received one of Leela's roundhouse kicks. "THE WINDOW!?!?!?" Leela yelled, now furious. "YOU DROPPED HER OUT OF THE WINDOW!!!" "Th-the birdie needs to fly." "She is not a bird! She is a-" "'Sup, guys!" Derpy spoke. Everyone turned to see Derpy fly in through the open roof and land near them, though it wasn't the most graceful landing, as she fell onto her front with her hind legs & flank in the air. "DERPY!!!" Leela ran and picked up Derpy, hugging her tightly "Oh, my snuggwy wuggy fiwwy! You're not hurt, are you!? Oh, I should've just took you with us; the mission was cancelled and now we have a bunch of old New year crap." "Ah, don't worry mommy, I had fun!" "How the hell did she do that!?" Bender demanded "Disguised bee?" Fry whispered. "Get back, all of you!" The professor demanded, taking Derpy out of Leela's arms. "This is incredible! I need to find out how you're able to fly! This will be so much easier, and safer, than testing with those damn bees." "For science!" Derpy cheered. Even with the latest technology, there was no explanation as to how Derpy could lift off, let alone, fly. While the professor was stumped about how he couldn't find out how Derpy flew, everyone else (minus Zoidberg) found it amazing as how Derpy flew around without any problem, though her landings needed some work. As for Zoidberg... Derpy had a restraining order on him that would last for an entire month. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me A big Piece of Garbage.Inside Planet Express's Meeting Room, everyone sat around the table as the professor was making an announcement "Good news, everyone." He spoke "Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9; the virus planet." "Why can't they go today?" Hermes asked "Because tonight's a special night and I want all of you to be alive. It's the Academy of Inventors' annual symposium." "Wow! I love symposia." Fry commented, not even aware of what it meant. "It's the event of the scientific season. Every member presents an invention and the best one wins the Academy prize." "Sounds boring." Bender commented "Oh, my, yes. But not this year, because my latest invention is unbeatable. Behold! The death clock." He pulled a small, black box with a button on it, on top on the table. "Simply jam your finger in the hole and this read-out tells you exactly how long you have left to live." "Does it really work?" Leela asked "And will it work for me?" Derpy added, poking at the machine. "Well it's occasionally off by a few seconds, What with free will and all." The professor replied "And unless you grow fingers, you'll have to live in bliss." "Sounds like fun." Fry spoke "How long do I have left to live?" He placed his finger in the hole and the clock dinged. They saw how long he had to live. "Ooh! Dibs on his CD player!" Bender called out. "Screw that!" Derpy replied, pulling out a scalpel "I call his kidneys!" Inside the Academy of Inventors, the room is filled with scientists (all wearing white lab coats). Everyone but Farnworth wore something considered 'Fancy', though as much as Derpy wanted to, she had to dress up and not walk around naked. Derpy stood around, wanting to fly around, or, for the lack of better words, strip naked, but saw the stallion again! She turned to see her family was distracted by another old man, making this her chance. She walked to the stallion, who had a strange device in his hooves and was pointing it around, seemingly investigating something. "Can I help you with something, sir?" Derpy asked. He looked down at her, but smiled. "Great wickering stallions!" He spoke with excitement, and a different voice. "You have to be the most adorable subject I have seen!" She gave him a confused look. "...What?" "Oh, pardon me, but just call me 'The Doctor', my fine Derpy." "... Am I missing something? The last time we meet, you told me we'd meet each other on something called 'The Titanic'." "We did? Oh, I must've missed something! Well, you see, I-" the sound of the blue box, followed by the same blue box appeared in the room. The same stallion quickly came out, grabbed himself by his collar, and threw him into the box before entering again. "I told you to not talk to her!" The other replied with the same accent from before. "Do you want to ruin the space-time-continuum and destroy the world!?" The other stallion got up. "Well excuse me! I was just curious and wanted to see who'd win this scientific competition; Science and mathematics are the real magic." "Yes, that I agree on, but you shouldn't be going around and altering too much things!" "Like what? Standing and seeing this scientific competition to see who has the best invention?" "Can I get some answers here!?!?!?" Derpy shouted in confused anger. "Whoops!" Both stallions spoke, shutting the door, followed by the blue box disappearing. Derpy stared with a twitchy eye. "I...I need a muffin." Inside the Academy of Inventors' Auditorium, Derpy Bender, Fry and Leela sat at a table. Bender read the wine list and a waiter took his order as Derpy snacked on a muffin, processing the stallions that, as she theorized, may be twins or clones of something else. "I've been perusing your fortified wine list and I've selected the '71 Hobo's Delight, the '57 Chateau Parté and the '66 Thunder Chevitz." Bender ordered "Exquisite choices, sir." The waiter spoke "And mix them all together in a big jug!" The lights in the auditorium dimmed down and the head Ron Popeil's head in a jar was on the stage. "Welcome to this year's Academy of Inventors Annual Symposium." he announced "I'm your host, Ron Popeil, inventor of Mr. Microphone, the spray-on toupee and, of course, the technology to keep human heads alive in jars." A few people applaud. "But wait, there's more. We've got a whole line-up of inventors tonight, starting with that up and coming young star, Ogden Wernstrom. Fry booed "More wine!" "Distinguished members of the Academy," Wernstrom spoke onstage "I present to you, the Reverse Scuba Suit. Observe!" He waved a stick in front of a fish in a tank. "Fetch!" He tossed the stick across the platform. The fish puts on a suit, which has two little mechanical legs. The fish gets out of the tank, walks across the stage, picks up the stick and hands it to Wernstrom. "Now, sit!" The fish doesn't do anything. "I said sit!" Still nothing. "Bad fish!" He hits the fish with a newspaper and it sits. The audience applauds. Farnsworth groans. "Don't worry, Professor," Fry whispered "it's no competition for your death clock." "And what will you be presenting this evening, grandpa?" Wernstrom taunted "Let's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers in your place!" Farnworth replied, standing up for himself "I just hope it's not as lame as that death clock you presented last year." "Uh, last year, you say?" "That's right." "Oh, my!... Did it put you young whippersnappers in your place?" "Hardly! We laughed until our teeth fell out. Come along, Cinnamon. He walked away, followed by His fish. "That's it," Derpy spoke, pulling a gun out and cocking it "his time it up." "Oh, dear," Farnworth panicked "I'll have to invent something new in the next ten minutes. Perhaps some sort of death clock?" "No, just more ammo!" Derpy spoke, pulling the trigger at Wernstrom, but nothing was coming out. A man on the stage demonstrates a helicopter hat; He turns a handle and flies away. The audience applauds. "Heh, I can already fly with these babies." Derpy pridefully commented, pointing and flapping her wings. "Our last presentation comes from our oldest member, Professor Hubert Farnsworth." Popeil announced "Professor?" A spotlight falls on Farnsworth. He scribbles something on a napkin. "Just a second, just a second!" Farnsworth pleaded. "Pencils down, prune-face." Wernstrom taunted again Derpy and Farnsworth snarled at the other old man. Leela held onto Derpy as she tried to tackled Wernstrom while gorlwing like a dog as Farnworth ran onto the stage. "Uh, yes, here I am, OK, now, hello there. Now, we all know telescopes allow us to see distant objects. But what if we want to smell distant objects? Well now we can! Thanks to my new invention ... the Smellescope." He puts a piece of paper on a projector; it was a crude drawing of a telescope pointing at a coffee stain, with the professor wearing a large hat. The audience starts talking. "The odor travels past this coffee stain here, around the olive pit and into this cigar burn. And this appears to be a doodle of myself as a cowboy." The audience laughs. "But the Smellescope is brilliant, I tell you! Think of the astronomical odors you'll smell thanks to me." The audience laughs again. Farnsworth wipes his brow with the napkin "Oh, my!" He puts it back on the projector; It's smudged. The audience laughs again. "I've waited a hundred years for this, Farnsworth." Wernstrom spoke in the crowd "I give your invention the worst grade imaginable: An A-minus-minus!" The audience laughs. Farnsworth walks off the stage. Derpy saw how desperate the professor looked. She knew what she had to. She got out of Leela's grasp and buzzed her wings, flying above the heads of the other scientists. "You all get an F!" She simply announced. The lace's laughter was cut off... followed by screaming and panic from all of the scientists. Derpy rubbed her hooves and smiled devilishly "Yes, dance, my puppets." Inside Planet Express's Meeting Room, Fry, Bender, Leela, Derpy, and Farnsworth sat around the table. "Perhaps 149 is just too old to be a scientist." Farnsworth whined to himself "Yep!" Bender answered bluntly "No, Professor, don't give up." Fry encouraged "There were plenty of times in my century when I was gonna give up, but I never did. Never! Hey, are you even listening to me? Oh, I give up!" Derpy pulled out a tablet and played an inspirational video. "By God, you're right!" Farnsworth spoke "I'm going to build that Smellescope!" "DO IT!!!" Derpy yelled "Eureka!" Farnsworth shouted. Fry, Leela, Derpy, and Bender ran into the Attic Room "Did you build the Smellescope?" Fry asked "No, I remembered that I'd built one last year. Go ahead, try it. You'll find that every heavenly body has its own particular scent. Here, I'll point it at Jupiter." He cranked it around a bit. Fry placed his nose into the two nozzles provided and sniffed "Smells like strawberries." "Exactly! And now Saturn." Another turn and sniff "Pine needles. Oh, man, this is great! Hey, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus." He laughed at the joke "...I don't get it." Derpy spoke "I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all." Farnworth replied "Oh. What's it called now? "Urectum. Here, let me locate it for you." "I wanna sniff!" Derpy spoke, buzzing her wings and placing her nostrils into the smellescope "Hmm... pizza! ... Hmm... Muffins!" She pointed at another place, sniffed, and started to gag! She landed on the floor and puked! "What is it?" He sniffed into the machine "Oh, jeez! Oh, man! Remarkable! A stench so foul it's right off the Funk-o-Meter. I dare say, Derpy may have discovered the smelliest object in the known universe. "Ooh! Ooh! Name it after me!" Bender pleaded. Leela sniffed into the machine "I think it's moving." She observed "Hmm. Perhaps the computer can calculate its trajectory." Farnworth spoke "Just as soon as someone cleans up Derpy's mess." He clicks a few buttons on a computer "My God! Whatever it is, it's headed straight for us. With enough force to reduce this entire city to a stinky crater. We have less than 72 hours." All four gasped "Well, let's get looting!" Bender announced "Already ahead of you!" Derpy added, flying away with a crown. "Hey! That' my crown!" In the Meeting Room, The staff sat around the table looking at a hologram of the Earth.] "So this thing's gonna destroy the whole city?" Fry asked, nearly on the verge of panicking. The hologram of the object hits the hologram of the Earth with a splat. "What the heck is it?" Farnsworth taps at a keyboard. "Ah! Just as I thought." He replied "The answer lies in this movie I found on the Internet." He plays the movie. The New York skyline of 2000 is displayed on the screen, along with the title. "New York City," a movie sounding narrator expositioned "The year 2000. The most wasteful society in the history of the galaxy and it was running out of places to empty its never-ending output of garbage. The landfills were full. New Jersey was full. And so, under cover of darkness, the city put its garbage out to sea on the world's largest barge. The repulsive barge circled the oceans for 50 years but no country would accept it, not even that really filthy one. You know the one I mean. Finally, in 2052, the city used its mob connections to obtain a rocket and launch the garbage into outer space. Some experts claim the ball might return to Earth someday, but their concerns were dismissed as 'depressing'. "Wow! You got that off the Internet?" Fry asked "In my day the Internet was only used to download pornography." "Actually that's still true." Farnsworth replied "Now that the garbage is in space," a female professor spoke "doctor, perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions." "With gusto!" the male scientist replied. They both strip down to their underwear and were ready to get it on. Leela turned the lights back on, making Fry and Derpy groan. "So that's the situation." Farnsworth spoke "Due to the short-sightedness of Old New York, New New York is going to be destroyed by a giant ball of garbage." "Fry, what the hell were you people thinking back then!?" Leela demanded "How could you just throw your garbage away?" "Hey, gimmie a break!" Fry retorted "What do you do with it?" "We recycle everything. Robots are made from old beer cans." "Yeah! And this beer can is made outta old robots." Bender added "And that sandwich you're eating is made of old discarded sandwiches." Both Fry and Derpy look inside a sandwich & muffin and cringed. "Nothing just gets thrown away." "The future is disgusting." Fry commented "I feel so weird." Derpy added "Typical 20th century attitude." Leela commented "Hey! You have no right to criticise the 20th century." Fry spoke "We gave the world the lightbulb, the steamboat and the cotton gin." "Those things are all from the 19th century." "Yeah, well, they probably just copied us." "Please! There's no time for this now!" Farnsworth shutted the two up "This is an emergency. We must warn the mayor!" "And loot him if he doesn't listen!" Derpy added, putting on a ski mask and holding a baseball bat. At City hall (called Citihall), inside the Mayor's Office, The Mayor, a short balding man in a green suit, sat behind his desk. "Garbage ball, huh?" he asked "That sounds serious." "Very serious, Mayor Poopenmeyer." Farnsworth replied. Derpy giggled at the name "I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming or second-hand smoke." He presses the intercom. "Send in my science adviser." Wernstrom entered the room "Wernstrom!" "Well, well, well! Come to present your latest napkin, Professor?" Wernstrom taunted again "No, I'm here because a giant trash ball is heading straight for us. Smell for yourself." Farnsworth wipes the Smellescope. Poopenmeyer sniffs and leaps back. "Hey! Holy jeez!" he yelled "That smell could be anything;" Wernstrom retorted "a faulty stench coil, some cheese on the lens, who knows?" A woman walked into the room with a cassette player. "Mr. Mayor, we just got this transmission from Neptune." she spoke, pressing the play button. "Giant... garbage ball." A man gasped in the recording "... passed close by... horrible stench." He gags. "The transmission cuts out there, sir." The voice chokes again. "No, I, guess it keeps going." There is another gag and the message cuts out. "There we go!" "My God! The senile old man is right!" The mayor spoke "Do you mean him or me?" Wernstrom asked "Him!" He pointed at Farnsworth. Derpy cheered "Suck it, old man!" She yelled, taking his wallet and flying away. She stopped as People crowded around a shop watching TV's through the window. On the TV, two newscasters present a report on "Root"2 News. One is a blonde human woman wearing a pink suit and the other is an alien that has a huge green head with veins poking out of it and big eyes. "Next, New New York in crisis. Morbo?" the woman asked "Thanks, human female." the alien replied, turning to the camera "Puny Earthlings were shocked today to learn that a ball of garbage will destroy their pathetic city of New New York." "Makes me glad we live here in Los Angeles. "Morbo agrees!" They both laugh. "...Crap. Better get back." Derpy spoke to herself. She took all of the cash out of the wallet before tossing the wallet away, buzzing herself back to the Citihall. She landed near the windows, where a large hologram of the garbage ball is projected in the middle of the room. A military man is there with the others.] "Can't we just shoot a missile at it?" Leela asked "We've simulated that on a supercomputer but the ball is just too damn gooey." The Military man spoke "A missile would go right through it." The hologram shows a missile squelching through the garbage ball. "But suppose we send a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault line between this mass of coffee grounds and this deposit of America Online floppy disks." Farnsworth suggested. The simulation explodes. "In theory, it could work." "Uh, in theory, perhaps." Wernstrom replied "But you'll never find a crew willing to take on a mission so suicidally dangerous." Farnsworth smiles and looked at the crew. "Oh, crap!" Bender spoke In Planet Express's Hangar, The crew are assembled in front of the ship. "Now, you'll only have one chance to destroy the ball." Farnsworth explained "After that, it will be so close to Earth that blowing it up would cause garbage to rain over the entire planet, killing billions! "Oh, boo-hoo!" Bender replied, not enthusiastic. "Now here's the bomb I've prepared. Once you activate it, you'll have 25 minutes to get away." "That's all?" Leela asked "But"- "Now, now, there'll be plenty of time to discuss your objections when and if you return." "...If?" Derpy asked, shivering. The crew were in red spacesuits (minus Bender) and the ship flew towards the garbage ball. It looks like an asteroid from a certain movie by a horrible director. "Odour at magnitude 8." Leela spoke. The ship shook with some gags "Magnitude 12." The ship shook harder with harder gags "Magnitude 31." The ship shook rapidly with Derpy puking again. "We're breaking up! Turn on the anti-smell device!" An air freshener went off and the ship stopped shaking with the smell gone. "Hmm, sporty!" Fry commented. The ship cruised in and landed on the garbage ball's surface. The steps go down, the door opens, and the crew look around. "Wow!" "Look at all this filth." Leela commented "It's not filth. It's a glorious monument to the achievements of the 20th century!" He picks up something. "Look! A real Beanie Baby." He picks up something else. "Oh! A Mr. Spock collector's plate" He sees something and gasps. "Some Bart Simpson dolls!" Bender walked to a pile of said dolls, picked one up, and pulled it's string. "Eat my shorts!" The doll spoke "OK!" Bender replied, eating it's shorts. "Mmm! Shorts!" "Fry, this stuff was garbage when it was new. Let's blow it up already!" Leela sugested "This junk isn't garbage!" Fry replied "I can dig in any random pile and find something great." He dug into a pile and came out with a six pack holder around his neck, gagging. Leela cuts him free. "Alright... let's get to work." "Hold on!" Derpy replied "I think I'll take this!" She pulled a funny looking robot onto the ship, spraying with Febreeze and other smell good items on the ship. "I'll call it... Mario!" The crew walk across the surface, reading a map. "Let's see," Leela spoke "If that's Hypodermic Ridge then the bomb must go right here." "She puts the bomb in the ground. "Get ready to run. We've got 25 minutes." She presses the button and the timer changes to 15:00. "Uh, 15 minutes." The timer changes again to 05:00. "5 minutes." A very odd number. "6h minutes?" Bender pulls the bomb out of the ground and turns it over. "There's your problem." He spoke "The Professor put the counter on upside-down." "That idiot! It wasn't set for 25 minutes, it was set for 52 seconds!" Both Fry and Derpy screamed "We're gonna die!" Derpy yelled "Right?" "Right!" Bender answered. They all screamed as they saw that the timer read 19 seconds. "It's gonna blow!" He threw it to Fry. Fry threw it back. Bender threw it at Leela, which hits her helmet. "Hey, watch it!" She replied "You'll put somebody's eye out!" "OK, OK, keep your space pants on. I'll take care of this!" Bender throws the bomb into space, but it hits a passing comet and bounces back down, knocking Derpy's helmet off. Everyone screams as Bender throws the bomb into the sky again, which explodes. Fry and Leela walked to Derpy' trying to put her helmet back on "Hurry, Fry!" Leela yelled "She's gonna die!" "I can't!" Fry replied "Her helmet's cracked!" Derpy coughed, reopening her eyes blinked. She sniffed the air, making her cheeks puff with a green coloring in her cheeks. She stood up and puked again. "Ech! Those filters are broken!" She yelled angrily. She saw all three stare at her, mouths wide open. "...What?" Back in the Mayor's Office, Derpy polished 'Mario' up as everyone watched Lina and Morbo on T.V., though the professor glanced at the report on how Derpy was able to breath in space, baffled as everyone was. "All in all, this is one day Mittens the kitten won't soon forget!" Linda spoke with a chuckle, along with Morbo. "Kittens give Morbo gas." He commented "In lighter news, the city of New New York is doomed. Blame rests with known human Professor Hubert Farnsworth and his tiny, inferior brain." "Oh, how could I have put that bomb timer on upside-down?" Farnsworth asked himself "I could swear I followed the manual precisely." He pulled out the manual from his coat. It's upside-down. "I'm a dried up husk of a scientist. This is all my fault." "No, it's my fault too." Fry reassured "I'm sure I threw out more than my share of that trash up there. Also, one month my toilet broke and it just went straight in the garbage can." Everyone cringed at the mention, with Derpy's cheek perking up again. "Leela was right. The people of the 20th century were idiotic slobs. Especially me." "Enough!" The mayor yelled "You all failed miserably. It's time to put a real scientist in charge." Wernstrom entered the room "Wernstrom!" Farnsworth yelled "The very same." Wernstrom replied "Dr. Wernstrom, can you save my city?" The mayor asked "Of course. But it'll cost you. First I'll need tenure." "Done." "And a big research grant." "You got it." "Also, access to a lab and five graduate students, at least three of them Chinese." "Um, alright done. What's your plan?" "What plan? I'm set for life! Au revoir, suckers!" He walked out "You coward!!!" Derpy yelled. Mario's middle stalk, an 'eye', glowed blue. "EXTERMINATE!!!" It yelled before deactivating immediately. "...That was... something." A pizza slice splated against the window, grabbing their attention. "It's time to take action!" Poopenmeyer announced. He pressed the intercom. "Stephanie, cancel the maid for today. Have her come tomorrow." He leaned back into his chair. "Well, I'm out of ideas. Anyone?" "Wait!" Farnsworth exclaimed "If we could build an object the exact size, density and consistency of the garbage ball, it might just knock the ball away without smashing it to bits!" "But where can we find a substance the exact density and consistency as garbage?" Leela asked "Alas, I don't know." "Uh, what about garbage?" Derpy suggested, trying to open Mario up to see how he was activated. "Good Lord! A second ball of garbage! That just might work!" "But garbage isn't something you just find lying in the streets of Manhattan." Poopenmeyer explained "This city's been garbage-free for 500 years!" "Then it's time to make some more!" Fry suggested "Make garbage? But how?" "Stand back and watch the master! This Slurm can." He knocked it to the floor. "Now it's garbage. These papers. He swept them off the desk with his hands. "Garbage. This picture of your wife." He dropped it onto the floor, it's frame smashes. "Pure garbage. Now you try it." Poopenmeyer picks up a pencil and drops it on the floor. "By God, I think the boy's got something. Come on, everyone! The fate of the city is at stake!" He turned his chair on its side. "Good! Leela: Don't finish that cruller, throw it away! Bender; Drink that beer and drop the bottle on the ground!" Both did what Fry said Bender throws the bottle on the floor. "Very nice! Derpy-" He didn't say anything as half eaten muffins were on the floor. "Get that robot and horse some more beer and muffins!" Both Bender and Derpy smiled with a gasp. "We've trashed this room but that's just the start. We've got to get Fry's message to the people!" After a successful, though short, public message, there was enough garbage put onto a rocket that could ricochet first pile away from Earth. "If my calculations are correct," Farnsworth spoke "this garbage ball will knock the other garbage ball directly into the sun." "And if my calculations are correct," Wernstrom replied "we're all going to die horribly." He laughed, but then realized what he said "Alright, places everyone." The mayor spoke "Prepare for launch." Farnsworth began the count down. "Five, four, three, two... three, four, five, six-" Derpy rolled her eyes, and with an annoyed grumble, she pressed the button in front of her. The rocket took off and headed towards the other garbage ball. After a while, Farnsworth sniffed through the Smellescope. "Burning garbage!" he cheered "We did it!" Derpy cheered. Everyone except Wernstrom cheered. Outside Citihall, The Mayor and the Planet Express crew stood on the steps. Poopenmeyer made a speech "And so, on behalf of the entire city, I thank you, Professor Farnsworth. I now present you with the Academy prize, which we confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a jackass." He handed Farnsworth the trophy. "Yes!" Farnsworth cheered "In your face, Wernstrom!" "I'll get you, Farnsworth." Wernstrom growled "Even if it takes me another hundred years!" He and his five graduate students, three of them Chinese, shook their fists. Derpy flew to his face. "That is if you're alive next year." She roasted. "Also, your grade!" She slammed a piece of Paper on his forehead. "A minus-minus-minus!" She flew back to her crew before Wernstrom could do anything. "And, Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well." Poopenmeyer continued "If not for your 20th century garbage-making skills, we'd all be buried under 20th century garbage." The crowd cheered. "Should we really be celebrating?" Leela asked "I mean, what if the second garbage ball returns to Earth like the first one did?" "Who cares?" Fry asked "That won't be for hundreds of years." "Exactly; It's none of our concern." Derpy added, resting on Fry's head. "That's the 20th century spirit!" Fry took Derpy off his head and rustled her mane, making the filly giggle. She flew out and held the award up with Farnsworth. The crowd cheered and applauded. Though she was celebrating, she saw the stallion in the crowd, though for only half a second before disappearing. She wanted to follow him, but the heads of Aerosmith came out and performed one of their songs. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me Ass tattoo?Derpy opened her eyes, seeing the entire Planet Express building was empty. Fry wasn't watching the television, Bender wasn't drinking beer with his fire belches, Amy wasn't around to make herself look cute, the professor wasn't making any new invention, Hermes wasn't documenting anything, Leela wasn't practicing at all and Zoidberg... well, she didn't mind him gone. She was all alone. That is, until she heard a loud whirring noise with a grumble. Not wanting to give her position away, Derpy quickly ducked under the couch she took her nap on, watching as a machine went forward & back on the floor, followed by some large, brown boots. She hid for a while, until some magazine fell on the floor, showing what looked liked a beautiful woman in a... weird position. She couldn't help but stare at the woman, wondering what it was. Derpy grabbed the magazine, just as a pair of hands grabbed the magazine on the other side. The Magazine and the filly were taken from beneath the couch, both held up by the same, middle aged man with the bushy mustache, brown cap, and janitor outfit. "Who the hell are you!?" Derpy asked "I'm Scruffy, the Janitor." he replied "Where'd everyone go?" "I don't know." "Can you help me?" "Nope. On break." He laid on the couch, took the magazine away from Derpy, and began to skim through the pages. Derpy stared at the old man, wondering who he was and what he did around here. She saw the device was bucket, and hanging on it, was a pack of muffins. Her mouth drooled at seeing the pack, as well as her eyes twinkling with happiness. "Can I have a muffin?" "...Mm." I'll take that as a yes. She thought to herself. She flapped her wings and flew to the packet of muffins, taking one out. She took a bite, and, as with any other muffin, she moaned at the taste, landing in total bliss. Unfortunately, her wings stopped flapping, and she quickly fell face first into the bucket. She stood right up, though the bucket was still on her head, and she ran around. "Hey! Who turned the lights off!?" She ran around blindly, crashing into the walls and tripping over every object in front of her. Scruffy did nothing but look through his magazines. Though muffled, Derpy heard the Planet Express ship land. She ran ahead, only to have her bucket covered head caught in between the railings. She felt herself caught inbetween the railing, lifting all her hooves to be around the bucket, and tried to pull herself out. With the soapy water around, she got out quickly & easily, though she rolled across the floor, crashing against the nearby wall. "Derpy!" Leela spoke. Derpy looked down (or up, in this case) to see her upside down family. She blushed with an awkward smile. "Heh, I got my head stuck." "What is that!?" "What's what?" "Why'd you get a tattoo on your ass?" Bender asked "What!?" Derpy quickly flipped herself over and looked at her flanks; on both flanks were seven bubbles, mirroring each side. "Why the hell do I have bubbles on my ass!?" "Yeah," Fry agreed "If you wanted a tattoo, you should've got something cool! Like a snake, or a gun!" "Or my face!" Bender suggested. "Enough!" Leela yelled at the two, then turned to Derpy "We left you alone for five minutes, and you get a tattoo?" "I never went to a tattoo parlor!" Derpy spoke "Seriously! All my money is still here!" She pulled out a large wad of cash, along with some random wallet. "Calm down, everyone." Farnsorth spoke, picking Derpy up. "I'm certain there's a scientific explanation for this." After a while of testing, Derpy getting tattoos was now invalid, as each bubble turned out to be a part of Derpy's fur, as well as the fact that there would be a very little chance for her to actually get a tattoo that would be exposed through her skin. "First, flying, next, breathing in space, and now, this!" Farnsworth exclaimed "You must come from the weirdest species in whatever universe and planet you came from." "Maybe," Derpy replied, looking at her flank's bubbles. "but... this kinda feels natural." "Normal?" Hermes asked "How is growing a tattoo normal!?" "I don't know. Call me crazy, but... I think this reveals my special talent, or even destiny." "Balderdash!" The professor spoke "If that were the case, why don't we all mysteriously get tattoos that reveal our talent and destiny!? What would those bubbles mean? Something about blowing bubbles? And what about your destiny? What does that mean?" "... I have no idea. I just hope the heads of Major Lazer, Bruno Mars, 2 Chainz, and Tyga Mystic don't see me and perform that one song." "What song?" Fry asked "You don't want to know." Unfortunately, at the next visit at the head museum, the heads of said celebrities saw her and laughed as they remembered the song they made together involving bubble butts. They were knocked down by Derpy and told to shut up. As for everyone else, while it was strange, they got use to it, seeing it as a normal thing in life as life. While no one wanted to agree, Derpy and Amy agreed on calling it a cutie mark; Amy for believing that it made Derpy cute, and Derpy because it sounded natural. Is that hourglass a part of those stallions like me? Derpy thought to herself. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me Hell Is Other RobotsFry, Leela, Bender, and Derpy sat in the Madison Cube Garden, waiting for the Beastie Boys concert 'Intergalactic Tour' to begin. As Derpy learned, the Beastie Boys were popular back in Fry's time, though she relaxed on Mario's head, who turned on & off at random times, yelling 'Exterminate' while firing a laser that, as of now, hasn't his anybody yet. "This is awesome!" Fry exclaimed "I've been waiting a thousand years to see a Beastie Boys show." "Can I get anybody a beer?" Bender asked "Sure!" Bender opened his chest cabinet and used his antenna to pump some beer into a cup. He hands it to Fry and Fry takes a gulp. "Ladies and gentlemen," an announcer on the loudspeakers spoke "here to lay down some old, old, incredibly old school beats: The Beastie Boys!" Scruffy came in as he wheeled the heads of the Beastie Boys' heads on stage. The crowd cheered as some guys in black suits grab the jars and dance around, as the Beastie Boys performed Intergalactic. "Impressive." Leela commented as she looked at her wrist machine. "They're busting mad rhymes with an 80% success rate." "I believe that qualifies as 'ill', at least from a technical standpoint." Bender commented "Will you guys shut up?! I'm trying to look cool." Fry spoke, dancing and looking like a fool. "This is how you dance!" Derpy replied. Balancing on Mario's head, Derpy used all the dance moves she learned from Craptrap and some other dance moves she made after learning how to fly. At that, Mike, one of the Beastie Boys, his head fell down into a mosh pit below, where he was tossed like a volleyball by some fans below. "Wow! An old-fashioned mosh pit! Come on, guys. Tonight we're gonna party like its 1999 ... again." "For you, maybe." Mario's 'eye' glowed blue again as the Beastie Boys performed Super Disco Breakin. "Mario! You're back on! Hopefully, you can dance like me!" "EXTERMINATE!!!" Mario yelled, hovering above the ground and flew over the crowd. "Ooh! You can fly like me! Come on, follow me!" Derpy flew ahead, followed by Mario. Mario began firing his laser at Derpy, though Derpy avoided the lasers, laughing and dancing without care. Down below, Fry and Bender joined the mosh pit as Leela... well, she kicked everyone's asses who were avoiding her private space. Derpy flew to Mario, hugging him again. "You are so fun, Mario!" "...Exterminate?" He shut down quickly, though slowly levitated as it fell down rather than crashing. After a while, everything was much more calmer, though Derpy hated dragging Mario around with her. He wasn't heavy, despite his size, but it's annoying to drag something that's always turned on or off. (something that made the men laugh, leaving Derpy confused with questions). "Man, these guys rock harder than ever!" Fry spoke as the Beastie Boys sang Sabotage as an acappella. It was... weird, as there were long pauses, probably because of the music that played in the Beastie Boy's heads. But, nonetheless, the crowd cheered as a A Fender (seen by it's name) amplifier came to Bender. "Hey, Bender!" The Fender spoke "Hey, Fender!" bender replied "Man, I haven't seen you since high school. You still workin' at Jack In The Box?" "Not anymore, baby. I'm with the band! And who's the other robot next to you?" "That's Mario." Derpy replied, sitting on Mario's head. "He's... broken." "Broken, you say?" "Yeah. He turns on & off and yells 'exterminate' when he's on, then turns off." Fry and Bender laughed. "I still don't get what's funny." Bender introduced Fender to his friends and their adopted daughter, letting the unit take them to the back to meet The Beastie Boys as they got head massages. "Hey, fellas, hey!" Fender introduced "I want you to meet my friends; Bender, Fry, Leela, and Derpy!" "Y'know, we're really not that interested in meeting them." Ad-Rock replied Fry squeed like a fangirl "Wow! I love you guys! Back in the 20th century, I had all five of your albums." "That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven." "Cool! Can I borrow the new ones? And a couple of blank tapes?" Fender turned his volume down and turned to Bender, whispering. "Hey, Bender, why don't we ditch these organ sacks and hit the real party?" "Count me in!" Bender replied "I'm gonna drink till I reboot!" "Can I come too?" Derpy asked, flying in between the two robots "Mario still needs help." "Eh, I guess." Fender replied "Perhaps one of the boys can help him out." Inside a shady looking place, Fender pressed a button, causing a door to slide open, revealing a room where three robots are hooked up to a machine that discharges electricity. It shocks them and they groan. "Hey, what kinda party is this!?" Bender demanded "There's no booze and only one hooker. "Don't be a drag, man." Fender replied "We're jacking on!" He plugged himself into the machine and shocks himself. "Aw, yeah!" He takes the plug out and offers it to Bender. "Wanna jolt?" "Uh, hey, I'm no square but isn't that counter-indicated by my operations manual?" The other robots laugh. "I'll take it!" Derpy replied, taking a spare plug "Mario, this is going to bring you back from the smell, thousand year sleep!" She stopped and looked around Mario. "Hey! Where's your hole?" She stopped and found the hole "Oh, there it is! It's in your ass!" All the robots snickered. Derpy placed the plug into Mario, though her mane puffed up and she got some black marks across her body. "Come on, Bender, grab a jack." Fender persuaded "I told these guys you were cool." "Well... if jacking on'll make strangers think I'm cool... I'll do it!" Bdner replied, taking the plug and sticking it into his head. Bender started to jitter around, electricity circuiting around him, making his eyes & mouth static. Derpy watched Bender go crazy, then turned to Mario, who was now activated. "EXTERMINATE!!!" Mario yelled. His whisp looking thing that fired lasers immediately exploded, destroying a part of Mario himself in the process. "Mario! I knew something like this would happen." She pulled the cord out as Fender did to Bender. "What lower life form are you!? You will be exterminated for the Dalek supremacy!" "I'm Derpy, a... pegasus from what I read. And you're called a Dalek? Very funny robot name for a funny robot yourself, Mario." "...Mario!? I am no 'Mario', I am Dalek08021996!" "...Yeah... I'm just gonna call you Mario." She flew and hugged Mario's head "Now you're on, we're gonna be the best of friends!" "Daleks do not have friends with weaker species!" "Well considering how light you are, I must be superior." "...IMPOSSIBLE!!!" Fender pulled the plug from Bender's head. "Easy, baby." He spoke "You don't wanna get hooked on this stuff." "Eh, no need to worry." Bender replied "I don't have an addictive personality." He quickly smoked a cigar and gulped down some beer, then began to jack on again. In the streets of New New York City Street, Fry, Derpy, and a shade wearing Bender walk around a slum. "Hey, uh, Bender?" Fry asked "What are we doing in this bad neighborhood?" "Shut up, square!" Bender replied. He walked into a place called Sparky's Den. "I'll just be a minute!" Both Fry and Derpy leaned against a lamppost and whistle together Three Hours Later Bender came out, groaning and not walking properly. He fell over and rolled off the pavement, landing face down in the gutter. A Preacherbot rolls by and saw him. "Wretched sinner unit!" The Preacherbot announced "The path to robot heaven lies here..." He takes out a 3.0 disk. "in The Good Book 3.0." "Hey! Do I preach to you when you're lying stoned in the gutter?" Bender replied "No! So beat it!" The Preacherbot tuted and left "Who was that guy?" Derpy asked "Your mama! Now shut up and drag me to work!" "...That was low, man." She turned around and flapped her wings, flying away. Fry dragged Bender by his legs. Inside Planet Express's Meeting Room, Hermes addressed everyone with a chart. "Our electric bill's climbing faster than a green snake up a sugar cane." Hermes spoke "Obviously someone round been wastin' a whole heap a juice! Probably you!" He points at Zoidberg. "Me?" Zoidberg asked. "Or your robot, Derpy." Derpy rested on Mario's head, seemingly looking around, planning something. "Mario's already full." Derpy replied "And he won't be shooting any lasers, so he'll save more energy." "I'll exterminate you all!" Mario yelled "You're funny." Fry and Bender entered the room. "Good morning, Bender." Amy greeted "None of your business! Get off my back!" Bender yelled, running into the restroom. "What's his problem?" "If I didn't know better, I'd almost think he was abusing electricity." Leela inquired "Bender!?" Fry asked, baffled "No way!" The lights dimmed "I definitely would've noticed something." "...It's Bender." Derpy spoke. Leela got up and knocked on the restroom door. "Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom?" She asked "Are you jacking on in there?" "No! Don't come in!" Bender replied. Farnsworth entered the room with a box. "Good news, everyone!" He announced "Today you'll be delivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet!" Bender exited the bathroom "Alright, let's get to work! I'll be out in a second." He ran back into the bathroom. In the Ship's Cockpit, The crew quickly made the delivery and were returning to Earth. "I know Big Vinnie said he was giving me the kiss of death but I still think he was gay." Fry commented "Did he use his tongue?" Leela asked "...A little." "I'm glad I got this new outfit!" Derpy spoke, wearing a gangster outfit with matching tommy gun "Just hope the Donbot isn't too mad that he wants my head. I wanna shoot someone before I go." "... Right." Fry looked to see Bender sitting in the corner, chewing at his fingers. "You OK, Bender?" "None of your business! Get off my back!" Bender snapped "Uh-oh. There seems to be some sort of electrical disturbance in the Coalsack Nebula." Leela spoke "A what kind of disturbance?" "Electrical. Anyway, it's going to take some careful piloting to avoid it." Bender snuck out of the cockpit, but Derpy followed. Bender opened the door of the ship and exited out into space. Derpy followed, flapping her wings, and chased after Bender, who edged his way around to the engines and pushed them so the ship flies straight towards the nebula. He laughs insanely. "Bender!" Derpy shouted "What are you doing!?" "Shut up! This is going to be fun on the bun!" Bender climed on top of the ship and in front of the gun turret, waving his arms. "Come on, universe, you big, mostly empty wuss! Gimmie all the juice you got!" His prayers was answered as a Lightning bolt struck Bender's antenna, making him jitter wildly. Another bolt struck him, followed by a third, causing his legs to melt. "Oh, mama!" "... You idiot." At Planet Express's Hangar, Amy drilled the leg-melted, stuck Bender with a jackhammer. He slid down the front of the ship and lands on the floor. Farnsworth, Leela, Derpy, and Hermes stare at him. "...What?" Bender asked. Derpy cocked her Tommy Gun. "Let's do it." she spoke. After being repaired, right after Derpy shot him multiple times as if he was part of the Valentine's Day Massacre, Bender sat at the table. "Bender," Leela spoke "we didn't mind your drinking, or your kleptomania, or your pornography ring." "In fact, that's why we loved you." Zoidberg spoke. "Shut up, Zoidberg!" Derpy yelled, knocking the lobster out with the barrel of her tommy gun. "But this electricity abuse crossed the line." Leela continued "You almost killed us." "And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you." Fry added "Just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs and then he sold me my mom's VCR and then later I found out he was taking drugs. You make me ashamed to be your friend." Bender sighed sadly. "You're right." He spoke "I'm a lost cause." He stood up walked out. "... I feel kinda bad now." Derpy spoke. The next morning, Hermes addressed everyone again in the meeting room. "And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt-water cooler." Hermes spoke. "This is a witch hunt!" Zoidberg yelled. Derpy snickered like Bender. Bender entered the room wearing a bow tie. "♫Oh, what a beautiful morn~ing, Oh what a beautiful day!♫" He sang "Greetings, friends. Don't we all look nice today?" "Uh oh!" Derpy spoke "Someone find the magnets! "No, I'm not on Magnets. I'm whacked out on life. My friends, I found religion." Everyone stared, shocked. "Religion?" Fry asked "Is this another scam to get free yarmulkes?" "Give him a break, Fry." Leela replied "If this helps Bender clean up his act then I think we should be supportive." Everyone agreed. "Wonderful!" Bender replied "Then you'll all come to my exceedingly long, un-air-conditioned baptism ceremony!" Everyone murmured uncomfortably. The Temple of Robotology was like any other church, but with more robots inside and everything was more... robotic. While everyone else was in their fancy suits, sweating hard, Derpy panted like a dog , using her wings as fans to cool her off, but with no help. "We are gathered here today to deliver brother Bender from the cold, steel grip of the Robot Devil unto the cold, steel bosom of our congregation." The preacherbot preached. The other robots cheered "Brother Bender, do you accept the principles of Robotology on pain of eternal damnation in Robot Hell!?" "Yes, I do!" Bender replied "Then I will now baptize you." A keyboard came out from his waist. "Press any key to continue." Bender pressed a button and is lifted, baptized in a barrel of High Viscosity Baptismal Oil. The Preacherbot welded the symbol of Robotology, a resistor symbol, to Bender's chest. "Uh, while you're at it, could you touch up this seam?" He raised his arm. The Preacherbot welded the seam, making Bender giggles. "I'm outta here!" Derpy yelled, running outside Everyone sat down in Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Bender had agreed to get everyone dinner for supporting him. "This is unbelievable." Leela spoke "The old Bender never would have taken us out to dinner." "The old Bender's gone." Bender replied "He won't trouble you anymore." A waiter approached to Bender "Would monsieur care to see the wine list?" He asked. Bender shreded the wine list and hands it back to the waiter. "No poison for us, thanks. I'll stick with good old mineral oil." He sipped his small cup of oil. "Ah! Functional!" After a while, their food arrived. "Mon, I'm hungrier than a green snake in a sugar cane field!" Hermes spoke "Screw your snake!" Derpy replied "I'm so Hungry, I can eat a human!" Before anyone could eat their food. "Friends! Friends!" Bender stopped everyone "Surely you're not going to eat before we say Robot Grace?" The staff grumble as Bender closes his eyes. "In the name of all that is good and logical we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jerematic: 1000101010101..." 1 Hour Later Everyone sat impatienty as Bender went on with his prayer. Derpy's face was splatted in her mash potatoes. "...0010110012. Amen." "Does that mean we can eat now?" Fry asked. Derpy snorted awake. "I'm potatoes!" she shouted. "Yes." Bender answered "But first, since I love you all so much, I'd like to give everyone hugs. Come here, Fry!" "Oh, uh, but I don't want to." Fry stammered. Bender hugged him anyways. "Mmm! Mmm! Fry... you're my friend!" Fry, unsure, pats Bender on the back. "HA!!! GAY!!!" Derpy mocked. Bender stood up again. "Come on, everyone line up for a hug." Bender spoke "Let's tear down some emotional walls." Everyone edged their seats away. "Come on, Derpy!" "Oh no!" The next morning, in Planet Express's Hangar, Bender stuck something to the ship. "What are you doing to my ship?" Leela demanded "Sanctifying it!" Bender replied. He stucked on a robot version of the Ichthus. "There! That ought to convert a few tailgaters." "Bender's stupid religion is driving me nuts!" Fry whined "Amen." Derpy replied "If only he had joined a mainstream religion like Oprah-ism or Voodoo." Farnsworth suggested. "We've got to get the old Bender back." Fry spoke "And I think I know a way to do it." Leela suggested "We have to reacquaint him with a little thing called 'sleaze'." "... I wouldn've just suggested leaving beer around, but whatever." Derpy spoke, rolling her eyes. The crew landed at Atlantic City Street. There, they took Nibbler with them and walked down the street. "I can't believe somebody hired an interstellar spaceship to deliver a package to Atlantic City." Bender spoke "What are we delivering anyway?" "Uh... this." Fry replied, pulling some mints out of his pocket. "Where are we delivering it to?" "Uh, here." Leela answered, taking the mints and puts them in a mailbox. "Oh! And who's it going to?" "There." Derpy finished, pointing at a club called 'Power Strip'. Bender gasped "Those ... those girls don't wear cases. You can see their bare circuits." "Come on, it'll be fun!" Fry spoke "Maybe we could even drink a little fortified wine." "What!? Drinking wine is a sin. Even if it is deliciously fortified." "Hey, Bender," Leela whispered "look at that woman's purse. It's hanging by a spaghetti strand." Bender's eyes zoomed in, but he pushed them back. "Thou shalt not snatch." "And there's Hookerbot 5000." Derpy spoke "She's got a heart of solid gold!" "Hey, sailing unit!" A Hookerbot spoke "Stop tempting me!" Bender pleaded "For once in my life I have inner peace." "Pfft! That's for losers." Fry spoke "C'mon, sin your heart out!" "Go nuts!" Leela added "Live a little." Added the Hookerbot "Could you hold my purse for a minute?" the woman with the purse spoke. "Go for it, Bender." Derpy spoke with a smug "You know you wanna!" "...Well..." Bender spoke. Bender danced with the Stripperbots and laughed wildly "I'm the greatest!!!" He shouted, opening the woman's snagged purse and made it rain "Woo-hoo!!!" "Look's like we got the old Bender back!" Fry spoke "You know it, pork pie! Except for one thing." He ripped the Robotology symbol off his chest and throws it over his shoulder. It sunk into a bowl of something." In the morning, the crew visited the Trump Trapezoid, as Bender was there last night. They stood in Bender's room, seeing scorch marks where Bender fell, seeing that he was dragged out of the room. "What in hell happened to Bender?" Leela asked "Well he didn't check out. The ashtray's still here." Fry spoke. Nibbler yelped at something. "Look, Nibbler's caught the scent of vodka and motor oil!" "So!?" Derpy replied "I can do the same thing!" She sniffed, but her cheeks perked up. She reswallowed her vomit. "On second thought, let the monkey find him." They all ran out of the room. After some running, they made it outside of an abandoned park called 'Reckless Ted's Funland'. "Wait! I remember this place." Fry spoke "They shut it down after all those people caught salmonella from the flume ride." Nibbler lead the three to a ride called The Inferno. They opened the door and looked around. "Hmm. Look! It's the symbol of Bender's old religion." Leela spoke, pointing at the same sign. Derpy pressed the button and the crazy mirror beside it slid upwards, revealing that it is Robot Hell. "Unbelievable." Fry gasped "It's an actual, factual Robot Hell." "Who would've thought hell would really exist?" Leela asked "And that it would be in New Jersey!" "I point at Snooki." Derpy commented. A trap door opens beneath them, making Fry and Leela fall and scream as they disappear down a twisting fun slide. Derpy flapped her wings and descended down into Robot hell. She heard what was singing and flew to it. Unbeknownst to her, she got caught in some wires, shocking her with electricity. Said Electricity made Hell go haywire... followed by an Explosion. Everyone screamed as they went above in the sky and fell on the floor, hard. All the robots around quickly got up and ran for their robotic lives as the head of what was a Robot devil was on the floor. "Get back here!" He shouted "I need to torture you all!" "Well... that was something." Bender spoke, standing up along with Fry and Leela. "Aw, I kinda felt like singing." Fry whined. "We can sing here if you want." the robot devil's head suggested. "Hell no!" Bender yelled, kicking the head away. "Wait! Where's Nibbler and Derpy!?" Leela spoke, panicking. "Nibbler!? Derpy!?" Nibbler came out of the corner, making it's usual noise. "Nibbler! Where's Derpy?" Nibbler turned it's head, but opened its mouth and puked out Derpy. Derpy sat on her haunches, covered in saliva, and shivered with wide eyes. "Ew!" Fry spoke. "Ah, I'll get her." Bender spoke, picking Derpy up, but was also disgusted. "I suppose I should thank you all for saving me from hell. Ooh! A golden Violin!" He quickly stashed a golden violin on the floor. "Never... join... another religion." Derpy spoke "And I won't! Let's get you washed up; don't want the devil to follow us again." And with that, they walked away. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me A Flight to Remember.The crew landed back in the Planet Express building. Their hair was ruffled, their clothes are torn and dirty, all because of a delivery/ "That was the worst delivery ever." Leela spoke "Yeah. I'm never going to another planet called "Cannibalon"!" Fry added " Me neither." Bender added "Food was good, though." Derpy followed, wearing what a golden crown on her head and holding a scepter with her face on it. "You guys are crazy." She spoke "I'm a God to those idiots!" They walked into the meeting where, where Farnsworth sat at the table, drinking tea. "Oh, great news, everyone!" He spoke "Shove it! We quit!" Bender yelled "They do!" Derpy quickly spoke "I don't!" "In that case, I'll have to hire a new crew to go on our company vacation." Farnsworth replied "Vacation!?" Derpy and Leela asked in unison "Alright!" Bender cheered, high-fiving Fry. "This is great!" Fry spoke "I haven't had time off since I was 21 through 24." "It's just my way of thanking you for not reporting my countless violations of safety and minimum wage laws." The Professor complimented. "Aww, you!" Bender replied, knocking Farnsworth affectionately on the shoulder. "Wait? We can report that crap?" Derpy asked. "I've booked us all on the maiden voyage of the largest, most luxurious space cruise ship ever built." The professor continued, pulling out a brochure. "The Titanic!" "...Looks nice." Leela commented. Derpy flapped her wings. "I gotta tell Mario about this!" She spoke before flying off. "MARIO!!! GET THE BOOMBOX READY!!!" The entire staff emerged from the travel tubes in the departure area, which looks similar to that of an airport from Fry's time. While everyone brought their own luggage, Derpy sat on Mario's head, who was carrying her luggage, though slow. "Mistress," Mario whined "I don't think you need all of this stuff!" "Quit your whining!" Derpy replied "High Ho! Mario away!!!" "I sense a huge load of Irony." "Hey, uh, where's my suitcase?" Fry asked. His suitcase flew out from the tube and knocks him. Everyone stood in the crowd as Mayor Poopenmeyer stood in front of the Titanic and gave a speech. "As Mayor of New New York, it's my pleasure to introduce the honorary captain for the Titanic's maiden voyage. A man who single-handedly defeated the Retiree People of the Assisted Living Nebula: Zapp Brannigan!" Zapp walked forward and waved to the crowd. The crowd cheered and applaud. "Oh, God! Not Zapp Brannigan!" Derpy and Leela yelled in unison. "You know Zapp Brannigan?" Zpidberg asked "Let's just say we've "crossed paths"." Leela answered "Was that before or after you slept with him?" Bender asked "Shut up!" Derpy yelled, pulling a hammer and knocking Bender's antennae in. "If I had my laser, then I'd Exterminate him!" Mario added "Then I'd exterminate you all!" "She's a beautiful ship, alright." Zapp spoke "Shapely ... seductive. I'm gonna fly her brains out." The crowd applauded. Zapp held up his hand and they stop. "And now, without further adieu, I christen this ship, Titanic." Kif handed him Leonardo DiCaprio's head in a jar. Zapp smashes it against the side of the ship, DiCaprio's head bounces away as the crowd applauds and cheers. Derpy flew and took Leonardo's head. "Aw, it's okay," she spoke "I'm pretty sure you got that Oscar!" Leonardo teared up and whined. "WHY DIDN'T I WIN AN OSCAR!?!?!?" "Oh! That wasn't you that played as you not winning on Oscar, Ironically winning an Oscar at the Oscar awards?" He bawled even louder. She hugged him and patted his. "Aw, it's alright. Al least you can forget J. Edgar." "Thanks." The head of J. Edgar Hoover spoke sarcastically before being rolled in. Derpy saw Leela approaching to Zapp. "Sorry, but I'm gonna need you for this." She flew up and dropped Leonardo onto Zapp's head, knocking both unconscious. Derpy landed and took out an Oscar she stole on Cannibalon, hastily posting Leonardo's name onto it, and leaving it next to the head. "There. That's Oscar worthy." The Titanic left earth and began it's cruise with everyone onboard. The crew walked across polished floors and past a grand wooden staircase of the First Class State Room, stopping at Farnsworth's Stateroom. Mario, Derpy, and Bender stopped, seeing a well-dressed Fembot. Bender Purred. "Ooh! Sexy Fembot." Derpy teased "I'd love to see her parts." "What the-!?" Bender yelled, running into the room embarrassed. "She is no Dalek," Mario commented, turning and entering the room. "But will be a good target to Exterminate." The two entered the room. "Now, Hermes," Farnsworth spoke "you and your lovely wife, LaBarbara, have the suite through there. And Dr. Zoidberg, your marble tank is on the other side. "Man, first class seems nice." Fry spoke, bouncing on a green chair. Derpy rested on the side of chair's arms, rolling into a ball with what sounded like a small purr. "Yeah, this is nice." she added. "It'll be even nicer once you've seen your room." Farnsworth replied, handing Amy the key. The crew, Amy, Derpy, and Mario entered an elevator. " Looks like we're on the Fiesta Deck." Amy said, pressing a button. The Elevator descended and they saw the floors they passed; The second class deck contained lots of T-shirt wearing tourists with fat children and cameras. "Eh, too noisy." Derpy commented. The Steerage had where lots of stereotypical Irish people dancing. "Ooh! That looks fun!" laundry was already filled with clothes in the process of being, well, washed "I feel kinda sick." the bowels the ship had men shoveling coal into furnaces. "Ooh! I think I see some sexy guys in there!" It stopped at the Fiesta deck and the doors opens to a dank, dripping corridor. They walked for a moment and found their room. "This is it." Leela announced, though not very excited. She opened the door and groaned. "Well at least we get a window!" Fry cheered, pulling a blind up and is blasted in the face with reactor fumes. "Well, I'm tired of this room and everyone in it." Bender spoke "If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna pop over to the casino for the next 135 hours!" " I think I'll go and fill up on bisque at the buffet." Amy added "And I'm gonna join that party!" Derpy added, putting on a leprechaun hat from her luggage. "Let's dance away, Mario!!! And make me a sibling, you too!" "DERPY!!!" Fry and Leela shouted in unison. "EXTERMINATE!!!" Mario yelled, rolling to the elevator. Derpy and Mario entered the Steerage, all of the Irish people dancing wildly while drinking booze. "Look, Mario!" Derpy pointed "Power for your systems!" "Daleks do not consume Alcohol!" Mario yelled "Oi! The keg is here!" One of the Irishmen yelled, grabbing Mario. "I AM NOT A KEG!!!" "The Keg can talk!" Another Irishman yelled "It's a beerbot!!!" "I AM NOT A BEERBOT!!!" "Drink Harty, my friends!" The Irishmen took Mario away from Derpy. "Wait!" Derpy yelled, giving flapping her wings "Mario! I'm-" "Allons-y!!!" The familiar voice spoke. Derpy froze and looked around. Then, in a corner, next to some women, was the strange stallion himself. He wore what looked liked a robot on his back; it's arms mimicking his front hooves, the legs copying his back hooves, fake pupils that blinked whenever he did underneath a pair of goggles. Derpy approached him as the women laughed at one of his jokes. "Make a potassium joke?" He asked "K!" He and the women laughed. "Oh, Doctor!" one of them spoke "Where do you get these jokes!?" "Why, my dear friend, it's just my natural ability to mix science and comedy. You can say it's... a good Chemistry!" they laughed again. "Uh, sir?" Derpy spoke. "Who said that?" The robot top looked around, then below. "Ah! 'Allo, what's this? Is that... a pegasus? Did we meet before? Inside the bowels of a space whale?" "A space whale? No, but why are you wearing a robot on you?" "Robot? I have no idea what you mean. I'm just a natural human on board the mighty vessel of-" As he monologued, Derpy walked to the stallion and took the goggles off. The robot deactivated, revealing that there was a hologram around it, and fell off. The Stallion froze in place and looked around. The cheerful music stopped as everyone turned around to see him. "Uh... Neigh?" "GET 'IM!!!" One of the Irishwomen spoke. The crowd bursted into a violent rage, the strange stallion running for his life, avoiding any kicks and things thrown at him, along with Derpy. The two ran into and exited through the elevator. They panted, catching their breath. "Guess... I won't need this." Derpy panted, dropping her hat. The Stallion stood up and coughed into his right front hoof. "How did you see me past my disguise?" He asked "It's wasn't that hard. Your disguise sucked!" "Wasn't hard? Wait... what's wrong with your eyes?" She glared at him. "'What's wrong with my eyes'? Got a problem with my eyes!?" "N-Not what I meant! Well... they're not exactly... straight... and I think I can-" "I was born this way, Jackass! I don't need help! I can see just fine! And you told me that I'd meet you here!" "Wait! I did!?" "Yeah! About a month ago!" The Doctor stared for a moment, then pondered to himself. "Hm... A Month ago?" "Yeah, and with your twin brother." "Twin Brother!?" "Looked exactly like you, but had a different accent." "Twing Brother? A month ago? Hm... what's your name?" "It's Derpy. Derpy Hooves. And who are you, sir?" "The Doctor." "Doctor Who?" "Exactly!" "Exactly what?" "That!" "What's that!?" "What's what?" "Wait... whait!?" "Who." "You?" "Dr. Who." "Dr. Who?" "Yes." She stared at him. "Okay, enough games! Show me your box!" "Box?" She grabbed his bowtie "We're not doing this again! Where's your blue box!?" "Oh! You mean the TARDIS?" "TARDIS?" "It's short for Time And Relative Dimension In Space." "...Okay. Can you show me it?" "Can you release me?" "Sure." She released him. "Oof! You know, for a little thing like you, you have quite the grip." The door opened and they exited into the Casino. "Thanks. I train hard with my mother." "And who is your mom?" "Turanga Leela. She's a cyclops." "Wait... did you just say Cyclops!?" "Yep! She told me to not be embarrassed by my looks." "Oh... she sounds nice." "She is, until you make her angry and she kicks you ass." "Oh. Have any other family?" "Well... there's Fry, my deadbeat uncle. Hermes, my bureaucratic uncle. Professor Farnsworth, sorta my genius grandpa. Amy, my rich and cute aunt. That one Janitor no one knows, that Decapodian-" "A what!?" "Zoidberg's a complete quack, and- Hey! Bender!!!" She ran to Bender, who sat in front of an i-Zac robot, which looked liked it had an afro and mustache. She sat next to him. "Hey, Derpy." Bender greeted "Tired of dealing with those alcoholic idiots and want to hang out where the good booze is at?" "Not really. I got kicked out." "Aw, too bad. ...Did you bring some gold with you?" "Yep!" She pulled out a huge pot of gold. "I even stole their lucky charms!" She pulled out a box of Lucky Charms. Bender giggled. "And I thought for a minute you actually stole LUCKY charms!" "Eh, it would've been too heavy." The doctor poked at Bender's ass, making him jump. "Hey! Who's touching my ass!?" "Incredible!" The doctor commented "A robot that's nearly as sentient as that of a human being!?" "Oh, I though you were commenting on my glorious ass." "Quite the foul mouthed one, aren't you?" "Ahem." Derpy interrupted. "Bender, meet the Stallion. Stallion, meet Bender." "It's the Doctor. Quite obliged." "Eh, whatever." Bender dismissed "Go and do what you want to do. If you get in trouble, remember?" "I do." Derpy replied "Bribe them." "Good girl. Now, if you excuse me, I got myself a countess to acquaintance myself with." Derpy whistled at him. "Be sure to take her land." "Oh, I will do more than that!" He got off and made his way to the countess. Derpy and the Doctor continued their way. "You steal?" He asked as they entered another elevator, heading to the rooftop. "I don't get in trouble if I'm not caught." Derpy replied with a smug. "Really? What have you stolen?" "This metal stick you have." she held the weird invention in her hoof. The doctor patted himself. "How did you-!?" "I'm that good." "Gimme that!" He snatched it away from her. "That's the tool I use and trust in the most! It's saved not just my life multiple times, but other lives as well!" She was surprised at his actions. He wasn't lying at all, but was genuine. "Oh... I'm sorry. I-I didn't realize it was that important to you." "...It's alright. Just don't snag it again." They exited the elevator and headed to the rooftop. At the very end, the Stallion's blue box stood there, almost standing & telling both of the 'I've been waiting'. The doctor approached the TARDIS and laid his head on the side, gently petting it with his right hoof. "Hey, sexy. I'm black, like I said." "Are... are you seriously talking to a box?" "Shh! Don't say that around her! Oh, it's okay, she didn't mean it. Derpy, you may not believe it, but the TARDIS is a living machine, able to feel like us, but she's hesitant around new people. Think of her... as a cat." "...okay?" She walked to the TARDIS, but looked over the railing. Below her, Leela and Fry stood together. Below them, Hermes & his wife, LaBarbara, Bender & the Countess, and Amy's parents. And, below them, was Zoidberg & a jellyfish woman, and the Professor with the crazy old woman from Fry & Bender's other apartment. "Looks like everybody's got somebody." Derpy and Leela spoke in unison without hearing each other. "Except me. "And me." Fry and the Doctor spoke as well. Derpy looked at him. "But didn't you say-?" she asked "I did." He interrupted "but she's a machine, and she's more or less a close friend." Derpy stared at him. Her heart began to pound, loud, louder, and louder! Soon, she could only hear her heart pounding almsot a hundred times per second. He tilted his head in curiosity. "Are you-?" "NO!!! I'm not in love with you!!! What do you think I am!? A Cougar!? I'm no cougar! In fact! I hope this ships goes into a blackhole before I get feelings for you!!!" The place shook and the Doctor fell on her, both accidentally locking lips and kissing! Derpy quickly struggled, but it ended as quick, and she grabbed onto the Doctor's head, keeping him from preventing their accidental kiss. The Doctor, however, noticed, and struggled, kicking her off! "What the-!? What did you just-!?" "I LOVE YOU!!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHY, BUT I LOVE YOU!!!" He quickly got up, but the place shook again. He turned around, only to see that they were heading straight to a blackhole. "...We're heading straight to a blackhole." "GOD DAMN IT!!!" "To the TARDIS! That's our way out!" He ran and opened the TARDIS's door entering. Derpy followed, but gasped as she entered. "It's bigger on the inside!" The doctor chuckled at what she said. "I love it when they say that." "Who?" "Better hold on to something! This is gonna get rough! ALLONS-Y!!!" He pulled a lever and the place shook. Derpy held onto the railing inside. "Gotta make a quick save and... NOW!!!" The door opened and the Countess that Bender was after entered. "Oh! Gracious me!" she spoke "Doctor!? You came back!" "Of course I did, my assistant." "ASSISTANT!?!?!?" Derpy yelled "Yes, she's my assistant. I always have one on my adventures. Where were you, Countess de la Roca?" "Oh, my apologies, Doctor." The robot replied, standing up. "I was in the Casino, hoping to win some more money, up until this Bender unit approached me, winning me over, Doctor." "Countess? Need I remind you on finding love?" "No, Doctor. I remember." "Oh crap!" Derpy yelled "I forgot about my assistant, Mario!!!" "Mario?" The Doctor asked "He was in the same room where we meet!" "Oh, give me a second... and... now!" The door opened again and Mario entered. Derpy flew to Mario, who crashed onto one of the walls. "Mario!? Say something!" Mario looked around and saw the Doctor, who gasped. "THE DOCTOR!?!?!?" Mario yelled in anger. "A DALEK!?!?!?" The Doctor yelled, but in fear. "EXTERMINATE!!! EXTERMINATE!!!" The doctor ran behind the controls and pulled out both the device that saved his life, and a boombox. He aimed it at the boombox, which glowed blow, and loud music played. Mario screamed while turning around in circles. "Mario!?" Derpy asked, concerned. "What's happening!?" She turned to the Doctor "And what are you doing!?" "I'm saving your life!" He yelled back. Derpy charged and knocked the boombox, smashing it underneath her hooves. The Doctor Tackled Derpy away. "What are you doing!? Didn't you hear what I said!?" "I did! You're hurting my friend!" "Friend!? Mario is not your friend! He's a Dalek!" "That's what he says! He's funny!" "No! Daleks aren't funny! They are cold, calculative, heartless blobs of mass within that machine you see! It is using you to do what it wants, and when it's finished, you will be killed! I have seen my kind become extinct because of them! Because of them, I am alone in this galaxy!!! Because of them, I am the JUDGE, JURY, AND EXECUTIONER OF WHO LIVES AND WHO DIES!!! I AM THE DOCTOR!!! I AM THE ONE WHO CAN SAVE YOU, SO LISTEN TO ME!!!" Derpy shook wildly at the stallion. For someone who was pretty funny, a bit calm with some forms of panic when they meet, this was the first time he was actually frightening. "... We're the last of our kind?" she whimpered, tearing up a bit. He stared for a bit, but took a deep, rubbing his forehead. "No, you aren't. I am." "...What?" "It's hard to explain, but-" "Doctor." Countess de la Roca interrupted. "It's safe." "Safe!? How!?" "'Mario's' blaster is blown off. All he can do is scan." The doctor climbed the ladder, followed by Derpy. Mario stared at the Doctor, his glowing blue 'eye' never leaving him. "So, you can't kill anyone?" "Incorrect, Doctor." Mario replied "I can't exterminate anyone at will! There are other ways to kill you!" "Aw, but without your stupid blaster, you're utterly useless!" "I am not useless! I am a Dalek at heart! I am-" Derpy landed on his head. "He's my friend." Derpy interrupted "Assistant." The Doctor stared at the two, then smiled. "Well, it seems you aren't wrong, Derpy." He spoke, turning back to the controls. "Now, where do you live?" "The Planet Express Building." Derpy replied. "Um... and Doctor?" "Yes?" "You... you're frightening." "...I'm sorry, but had I known... 'Mario'... wasn't functioning well, then this would be a different story. And we're here!" "Already?" Derpy asked "How?" "What the hell is this!?" Bender's voice was heard, muffled. "Oh thank God!" Fry spoke "I need to use the bathroom really bad!" Derpy blinked. "Well, it's nice being with you." The Doctor spoke, heading to the controls. "What are you doing?" Derpy asked "Going wherever I go. But rest assure, Derpy, we will meet again! Hopefully, you'll understand more." The TARDIS began to appear & dissapear with the same sound from earlier, along with the Doctor and Countess de la Roca, until they were gone. Derpy and Mario stood still, blinking. "Aw, the bathroom left." Fry whined. "Derpy!?" Leela asked in shock, grabbing and hugging her tightly. "Where were you!? I was worried sick!!! What happened!?" "... I meet that strange stallion." she spoke. "That guy?" Bender asked "Yeah... call me crazy, but I think he's a time traveler." "What makes you say that?" Farnsworth asked "...Just a hunch." Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me Mars UniversityInside Planet Express's Meeting Room, Bender, Fry, Derpy, and Leela sat around the table. Nothing was exciting; Bender has a bottle of Löbrau, Fry drank a can of Slurm (though he wasn't wearing his jacket), and Leela scratched behind Derpy's ear. Though everyone didn't see, Derpy was still wondering about that stallion; why was he like that? Why did she suddenly have feeling for him? When will they meet again? All of this stopped when Farnsworth entered with a large crate on a hover trolley. "Good news, everyone." He announced "We've got a very special delivery today." "Who's it going to?" Fry asked "Me." Bender dusts off his hands. "Another job well done." he spoke "No, I need it shipped to my office at Mars University. It's a little experiment that may well win me the Nobel Prize." "In what field?" Leela asked "I don't care, they all pay the same." Derpy flapped her wings and hovered near the box "Is it dangerous?" the filly asked "Oh, my, no." Derpy landed onto the box and the thing inside starts growling, shaking the box. Derpy flew and hid behind Leela. Farnsworth pulled a tranquilizer gun and loaded a tranquilizer dart into it. He pokes the gun through a hole in the crate and shoots whatever is inside. It whimpers, the shaking, and the growling stops. "Off we go!" The ship flew over and landed in an empty space of Mars University's Campus. Farnsworth took Fry, Leela, Derpy, and Bender on a tour of the university grounds. They walked past a statue of a big-skulled Martian with octopus-like tentacles wielding a laser gun on horseback. "Very impressive." Fry commented "Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars." "Well, in those days Mars was just a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland, uh, much like Utah." Farnsworth replied "But unlike Utah, it was eventually made livable, when the university was founded in 2636. "They planted traditional college foliage," Leela added "ivy, trees, hemp. Soon the whole planet was terraformed." "Does that mean it's safe to breathe the air?" Fry asked "Of course." Derpy replied "Idiot." Fry took some huge breaths. They stood outside a building called "Wong Library". The building is quite big, with "Socrates | Vos Savant | Cognitron" written across the top. "Over here is Wong Library." Farnsworth spoke "It has the largest collection of literature in the Western Universe." Both Fry and Derpy peek through the glass. The building is empty inside, save for a single table in the middle of the room with two discs labelled "Fiction" and "Non-Fiction" propped up on it. Both whistle, impressed. "Hey, look!" Bender pointed to a beaten up frat house with a neon 'ERR' sign atop it. All around, there's a smashed-up car, some kegs, a cable spool being used as a table, some dustbins, and some upturned chairs "There's a chapter of my old robot fraternity, Epsilon Rho Rho. "You went to college?" Derpy asked "Of course. I'm a bender, I went to Bending College. I majored in Bending." "What was your minor?" Fry asked "Robo-American Studies." They walked and stood outside Epsilon Rho Rho House. Bender knocked on the door and a dorky fratbot answered it. "Are you here to fumigate the moose head?" The robot asked "Uh, no, actually I'm an Epsilon from way back." They both did a crazy handshake full of tugs, whizzes and the creation of cosmic clouds. "Eh, close enough. C'mon in." "Thanks. Here's your finger back." The fratbot takes it and everyone followed. "All the coolest robots are in this fraternity." Inside, the place was a mess, and in another room, two other fratbots sit at a table with a chessboard. The room is also a mess, littered with empty pizza boxes, cans and books. A sock hangs over the moose head and there is a dartboard hanging on a door with darts jabbed in the wall around it. There is a pin-up of a Fembot and a Löbrau poster with a human woman on it on another wall. One of the other fratbots looks like he has glasses painted onto his face and the other one is very fat. Both were at a chessboard, though the game hasn't begun "Mate in 143 moves." The glasses one spoke "Oh, pooh!" The fat one spoke "You win again!" "Uh-oh, nerds!" Derpy and Bender gasped "Allow me to introduce myself." The door greeter spoke "I'm Gearshift, chapter president. This is Oily, and this here is Fat-bot." "You're all losers." Bender spoke "My name's Bender." The fratbots gasp. "Bender from Bending State Bender?" Oily asked "Wow, you're a legend around here!" "I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg, streaked across campus and crammed 58 humans into a phone booth." Fat-bot added. "Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children." Bender replied modestly "Anyway I should get going." "No, Bender, wait!" Gearshift spoke. "We're the lamest frat on campus. Even Hillel has better parties than us. Please, you've gotta stay and teach us how to be cool. "Hmm, OK. But I'll need 10 kegs of beer, a continuous tape of Louie Louie and a regulation two-storey panty-raid ladder. "Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!" Fat-Bot spoke, wiggling his fingers in excitement. "Ooh! That sounds cool!" Derpy spoke excitedly, then had a curious look. She turned to Leela. "What's a Panty raid?" Leela picked Derpy up. "Something immature boys do." she replied "Now come on, this is a robot thing, not a living thing." They left Bender with the Fratbots. Derpy turned and waved to Bender before leaving. "Bye, Uncle Bender!" On the University Campus, Fry, Leela, Derpy, and Farnsworth continued the tour. "I tell you, being here really takes me back to my college days." Fry spoke "Good old Coney Island College! Go, Whitefish!" "Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated type." Leela replied" "Oh, yeah?" He took a piece of paper out of his pocket with 'Notice of Failure to Graduate' written on it, with the CICC logo as a Ferris wheel. "Read it and weep. I'm a certified college dropout." Derpy facehoofed herself "Please! Everyone knows 20th century colleges were basically expensive daycare centers." "That's true." Farnsworth added "By current academic standards, you're merely a high school dropout." "What!?" Fry asked "That's not fair. I deserve the same respect any other college dropout gets. By God, I'm gonna enroll here at Mars University and drop out all over again!" "You won't last two weeks." Derpy replied "Aww, thanks for believing in me." Fry ruffled her mane. For the whole day, Derpy sticked with Leela. She had heard about Fry attending Farnsworth's class, something he made up so no student would take it, and she saw Bender with the other Fratbots running away from some snooty men. But, they both followed Fry to his room, located in the 'Financial Aid Dorm'. "Hey, pretty nice for a single." Fry spoke, examining his room. "Two desks, two chairs, a couple of beds." A knock came to the door. "A woodpecker." "I think that's your roommate." Derpy spoke "Oh, right, cool. C'mon in, roomie!" He opens the door but there is no one there. He looks down and sees a monkey wearing a bowler hat and carrying two cases. "What the-?" "I call top bunk!" The monkey spoke. It climbed over Fry onto the top bunk. Fry spits and the monkey sighs as it sat on it's bed. Derpy stared in awkwardness as the monkey hums, emptying it's case. It takes out a toothbrush and toothpaste, a hairbrush and a hairdryer. "My roommate's a monkey?" "Brilliant deduction, you're a credit to your species." Farnsworth entered, pushing the empty crate. "Ah, Fry, I see you've met Guenter!" He spoke "You know each other?" Fry asked "Guenter is my experiment. He was the top secret contents of this stinking crate." "I'd rather live in a crate than share a room with this dork." Guenter spoke. Derpy flapped her wings and pointed to the empty crate. "Be my guest!" she spoke. "So what makes Guenter talk?" Leela asked "Is he genetically engineered?" Fry added. Derpy landed near Guenter and poked his fur. "Is he a fuzzy midget?" she asked "Oh, please!" Farnsworth replied "That's preposterous science-fiction mumbo-jumbo, and that's too funny! Guenter's intelligence actually lies in his electronium hat, which harnesses the power of sunspots to produce cognitive radiation." Both Fry and Derpy scratch their heads in confusion. Guenter scoffed. "You're wasting your breath, Professor." He spoke "They'll never understand a word of it." "...I'm a kid, jackass." Derpy replied. "And I understand the word "hat"!" Fry replied, reaching for Guenter's hat. "Please, stop bickering!" Farnsworth shouted "I arranged that you be roommates for a reason: So I'd only have to remember one phone number. Now shake hands and make up." Fry and Guenter shook hand. Fry held up a banana. "You want a banana?" He asked "I don't eat bananas." Guenter replied, crossing his arms. "I prefer banana-flavoured energy bars made from tofu." Fry narrowed his eyes. "...Banana muffin?" Derpy asked, holding one. "...I'll accept that." "I now like you!" In the following afternoon, as she was going to meet Fry at the local Cafe, Derpy saw the stallion! He was in an astronaut suit with a Fez taped to the dome, and he was inspecting the fountain with the weird device from the Titanic. She approached him. "Uh... hello?" she asked. He looked around, then down to her. "Ah! 'Allo there! Been a while since we bumped into each other." "Yeah. It has been. Say... about what happened before... on the Titanic. I... I don't know what came over me." "I can already think of a few things." He took some water in a small beaker. "Probably because of your surprisingly high intelligence, despite being a foal, you may have reversed back in time; perhaps it's because you haven't many other... what's the plural word for pegasus? Pegaseses? Pegasi? ...Oh, nevermind. You just feel lonely, that's all." "Lonely? But I have a great family!" "True, but it doesn't mean you can't feel like you're the only one of your kind." "... Oh. Just like my mom?" "...The cyclops?" she nodded "Hm... I haven't seen any cyclops planet yet, but, with endless possibilities, I'm sure she'll find her kind, soon enough, just like you." "...Do you feel the same way?" He stopped in his tracks. He then let out a deep sigh. "Sadly, yes. But don't take pity for me; I am but a traveler that loves the field of science!" "Oh. Say... what are you doing with the water?" "Just checking to see if there's a water-borne virus that causes people's bodies to generate copious amounts of water and become zombie-like in movement." "...What?" "Just one thing I learned when I came to this planet in 2059. OOPS!!!" "Wait? 2059? But that's-" "Gotta go!!!" He ran into the blue box, which was in the middle of the field, and exited. Derpy blinked, then smiled. "I knew it! He's a Time Traveler!" Later that night, in one of the buildings, a Parent's Reception was going on. A string quartet plays in the corner of the room near a portrait of Dean Vernon, the owner of Mars University, holding his model ship. The room is well-decorated, with bookshelves lined with old books, chandeliers and large armchairs. Guests include the boys from Snooty House and the fratbots. Derpy, though not a student, nor a parent, wore a matching, long, white dress that Amy wore. She stood near Fry, who scooped up some hors d'evours from the buffet and shovels them in his mouth. Guenter sidles up beside him "Sorry I'm late," Guenter began "I was off at a study session ... with Chrissy." Fry carried on his chewing, but narrowed his eyes. "Oh, I'm glad you made it, Guenter." Farnsworth spoke "Because in honor of parents weekend I have a special surprise for you." He pulled a purple sheet off a cage. There are two monkeys inside. "Mom!? Dad!? What are you doing here!?" The monkeys start jumping around and shake the cage bars. The other guests stare and Guenter covers his eyes. "This is so humiliating." I hope my parents aren't like that! Derpy thought to herself. Fry threw some bananas into the cage. "Now these monkeys I like!" He said with a chuckle. The monkeys chomp the bananas and jump around again. "What's that? You wanna come out?" He unlocks the cage. "No! Stop!" Guenter yelled. The cage door falls open and the monkeys run out. One jumps into the punch bowl and splashes around and another jumps onto a snooty boy and knocks him over. The other guests run away. "DUCK AND COVER!!!" Derpy yelled! Fry, Leela and Farnsworth duck underneath a table "What's that they're flinging at us?" Farnsworth asked "CRAP!!!" "Oh, dear Lord! All over the dean!" Guenter whined, covering his face. "Hey, uh, Guenter?" Fry mocked "Why don't you get up on the chandelier with your parents and I'll take a picture?" Guenter's parents swing around on the chandelier. He groans and runs out. "Well, looks like the party's winding down." Bender commented "Let's take a road trip to Tijuana and get Fat-bot some action." Oily and Gearshift high-five. "It's my first time, I'm really nervous." Fat-bot spoke, then ate the portrait of Vernon. Vernon wipes his face and sees. "Robot House!" He shouted Fry, Leela and Derpy all stand in thr Financial Aid Dorm Corridor, in front of Fry and Guenter's room "What you did to Guenter was cruel." Leela scolded "At the risk of sounding like an after-school special, I think we learned who the real animal was today. "You mean peer pressure?" Fry asked. Derpy slapped him across the face. "You!" she yelled. Fry wiped his cheek and opened the door. The room is dark and Guenter's shadow is cast onto the wall. He held something and points it at the three. Fry and Derpy gasp, hiding behind Leela. "Look out! He's got a gun!" Both Fry and Derpy screamed. Leela turned the lights on. Guenter sat in the corner of the room, crying, and surrounded by banana skins. He's holding a banana "Leave me alone." Guenter sniffed "Hey, what's going on?" Leela asked in her motherly tone. "I thought you didn't like bananas." "Of course I do. I try so hard to fit in but seeing my parents act like that made me realize I'm just a primitive beast." "Hey, hey, cheer up." Fry said "Not everyone turns out like their parents. I mean, look at me: My folks were honest, hard-working people." "And I'm not a human." Derpy added. "Nor a cyclops." "Besides, Guenter," Leela spoke "you're not like other monkeys. You've got the hat." "So what?" Guenter replied "I mean, sure, it looks cool and it makes me smart but it doesn't make me happy." He sobbed some more "That's so sad. I didn't even know monkeys could cry." "They can't. It's all the hat." He sobs even more Fry kneeled down and put his hand on Guenter's shoulder "Look, Guenter," he replied "if you're so miserable here, maybe you should just go back to the jungle." "The jungle. ...But I couldn't do that to the Professor. I'm his prize experiment, and he's like a father to me." "But he's not your father. That guy in the punch bowl was your father." Fry and Derpy spat out a mouthful of punch. "You're not helping!" Derpy yelled. In the next day, after many mouthwashes that Derpy did herself, inside Fry's and Guenter's Room, Farnsworth stares and stroked at a photo of him and Guenter on a log flume ride, with Fry, Leela, and Derpy at his side. Apparently, Guenter snapped in the middle of a test, taking his hat off and ran to the nearby jungle. "Oh, poor Guenter." Farnsworth cried "So he just ran away in the middle of the exam?" Leela asked "I'm afraid so. All he handed in was a paper smeared with faeces. He tied with Fry." "I guess he realized I was right when I told him to go back to the jungle." Fry spoke "You what!? After I spent months slaving over a hot monkey brain?" "Hey, don't blame me. You tried to force Guenter to be a human, but he's an animal. He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus on one of those tiny tricycles. Now that's entertainment!" "Racist." Derpy simply said. "But Guenter's obviously better off being intelligent." Farnsworth retracted "Tell him, Leela." "Nuh-uh, I'm staying out of this." Leela replied "...Now here's my opinion: What we should do is..." She leans in and whispers something to them. "What!?" "I said we'll go to the jungle and let Guenter decide once and for all." "What!?" Inside Mars' Jungle, Leela cut through some thicket, Farnsworth, Derpy, and Fry followed. "Wow! The jungles on Mars look just like the jungles on Earth." Fry commented "Jungles? On Earth?" Farnsworth asked, followed by laughter. "Sorry, Michael Jackson." Derpy apologized, holding the head of the original king of pop. "I see some movement up there." Leela pointed "I think it's him." "Stand back!" He pulled a pin from a grenade and threw it into the bushes. It explodes and a purple gas envelopes the tree. Three toucans, two parrots, a frog, a lizard, a snake and tiger fall out of it flat on their backs.] "Oops." "Why the hell are there tigers here!?" Derpy demanded. "Who cares," Farnsworth replied "And Don't worry; They'll be fine once the tranquilizer wears off." They walk on, though Derpy stayed behind. She looked both ways and walked to one of the parrots, only for a huge elephant to fall from the tree and flatten the other creatures. "WHAT THE F-" A few hours later, the group peer through some leaves. "There's our man!" Fry spoke. Guenter sat on a rock, looking at his reflection in a river. "Professor, you'll offer Guenter the hat and, Fry, you'll offer him the banana." Leela simply said, holding out the hat and banana "We'll let him choose whether he wants to be intelligent or just a mindless animal." "Wait... then should we give him the hat to decide?" Derpy thought. "If he's a mindless animal now, wouldn't he pick the banana instantly? But if he's intelligent, would Grandpa win?" All three stared and blinked. "...She has a point." Fry spoke, though not knowing what she meant. "Hm... IDEA!!!" She took the hat and smashed it to the floor. "WHAT THE-!?" Farnsworth shouted "NOO~!!!" Derpy picked up the bits & pieces. "There! It's the banana or scrap!" She then placed the hat on Guenter "What the-!? Guenter yelled "Don't worry, Guenter. If I'm right on this, then the hat should be working at half capacity. So, what's it going to be? The nuts & bolts for the professor to make you smart again? Or Fry's banana to be... dumb?" "...Neither." "What!?" Everyone yelled " I like it like this. I actually feel sort of happy." " But what about your super-intelligence?" Farnsworth asked "When I had that, there was too much pressure to use it. All I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit. That's why I've decided to transfer to business school!" "NOO~!!!" "...Wait, what's that sound?" Leela asked. A motorboat got closer and closer. It's the fratbots. Bender water-skis behind a half ass repaired raft. "Ooh! See ya, chumps!" Derpy spoke, flapping her wings. "I'm going to get some robot fun! She flew over and landed right in front of the speeding raft. "WHEE~! "Hey, Bender, you sure this is a short-cut?" Gearshift asked "Not as sure as I was an hour ago!" Bender replied. Downriver, the fratbots and Derpy came to a huge waterfall. They all scream (though with Derpy, it was fun) and go over the edge. Derpy overed while the other hit some rocks at the bottom and disappear underwater. She landed on a rock, took a deep breath, and dived into the water, following Bender and the Fratbots with her doggy paddles. Above, the Snooty men were a foot from victory. "And the winner is..." Dean began. The fratbots, with Derpy on Bender's head, appear and walk across the finish line with their raft draped around them. "ROBOT HOUSE!?!?!?" "We win!" Derpy cheered. "Now let's get drunk!" On the Mars University Campus. Dean Vernon reluctantly heads the parade, honoring the robots of ERR. Fat-bot stands at the front of the float and waves to everyone. Farnsworth, Derpy, and Amy are on the float as well. Guenter leaps on and Farnsworth pats him on the head. "Come on, everyone!" Bender shouted "Big party in Robot House!" "Bring your own beer!" Derpy shouted, trying to open a bottle herself. The students cheer and dance to Lloyd Williams' Shout. Fry Dropped Out Successfully And Returned To His Dead-End Delivery Job Guenter Got His MBA And Became President Of The Fox Network Fat-bot Caught A Computer Virus In Tijuana And Had To Be Rebooted Leela Went On One Date With Dean Vernon, But He Never Called Again His Job Done, Bender Stole Everything Of Value From Robot House And Ran Off Derpy Had Her First Bottle Of Beer And Went On A Violent Rampage. She Is No Longer Allowed To Be On Mars University's Campus. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me Fry and the Slurm FactoryIn the Planet Express Lounge, Late at night, Fry, Derpy, and Bender sat on the couch. Fry drank some Slurm they watch 'All My Circuits' on the TV. In the show, Calculon opens the door to his bedroom. "Honey unit, I'm home." He announced, followed by gasping "Monique!" Monique is in bed with Boxy. She pulled the sheets up around her. "Calculon!" She replied. Boxy beeps. "Bastard!" Derpy yelled "Oh, how I wish I could believe that." Calculon spoke "You may be my evil half-brother, but there's no law against murdering the other half!" He pulled a gun out and aimed it at Boxy. The screen changes to the 'All My Circuits' logo. "All My Circuits will be right back after this word from... Slurm! It's highly addictive!" A hand takes a can of Slurm off the screen. The hand belongs to a surfing slug. Two babes on a beach watch him. "Look! It's Slurms MacKenzie!" A darker babe yelled "He's the original party worm!" The other, lighter babe added. Slurms surfs onto the beach between the girls and they stroke him. "Whimmy-wham-wham-wazzle! Let's party!" Slurms anounced. He and the babes dance on the beach and are joined by other dancing people. They all drink cans of Slurm. "Look at that worm go." Bender commented "Who says there are no more heroes?" "...Travis Touchdown?" Derpy asked. On the TV, Slurms surfs with the two babes. "Hey, dudes!" he spoke to the camera "You can win a chance to party with me, Slurms MacKenzie, at the Slurm bottling plant on planet Wormulon!" A still picture of Slurms playing a guitar with the babes and a crate of Slurm appears on the screen with the words 'Win A Trip' "Just look for the winning bottle-cap inside specially-marked cans of Slurm." Another announcer spoke. Back on the board, the babe shakes something out of her Slurm can and shows it to the camera. It is a bottle-cap with 'You Win!' printed on it. She gasped "I won!" She said to the camera "No purchase necessary unless you wish to enter the contest. Odds of winning mathematically insignificant." As he said that, disclaimers appeared on screen reading: Slurm Has Been Found To Cause Cancer In Laboratory Humans; Employees Of Slurm Corp. And Their Families Are Eligible To Enter And Will Probably Win; and something in alien. "I like those odds." Fry said to himself. "How come Space wasps, space beavers, any other animal with the word 'Space' in front of it, space chickens and the elusive yak-face, are ineligible to enter?" Derpy asked. The two stared at her blankly. "...What? I can read." Something rattles around in Fry's can and he gasps. He empties it onto his hand. It's a tooth. "Rats. Just another tooth." He said to himself. He threw his empty can onto a pile of other cans and drops his tooth onto the floor along with another nine that have fallen out. He opens another can, drinks from it and sighs. He smiles a big toothless smile. "...I'll get the fake ones." Derpy groaned, flying to the laboratory. In the Planet Express Meeting Room, the staff sat around the table watching Fry guzzle down another can of Slurm. Fry shakes the can upside-down and looks inside. "You're A Loser" is printed on the bottom. He groans. "I gotta find that golden bottle-cap." He throws the can behind him, opens another one and starts drinking it. "I've never seen anyone so addicted to Slurm." Leela commented "This is nothing. Back in high school I used to drink a hundred cans of cola a week. Right up until my third heart attack." The door opened and Bender stood in the doorway clutching his door and groaning. His antenna is wilted and he is a slightly redder color. "Bender, what's wrong?" "I'm sick." He replied weakly, followed by him sneezing with his eyes popping out and back in again. "You poor baby. Let me check if you have a fever." She puts the back of her hand against his head and it sizzles. She pulls it away quickly. "Ow!" Farnsworth opens Bender's door with his lab coat acting as a glove. "According to Bender's temperature gauge, which I suggest you use next time, Leela," He said "he's running a fever of ... 900 degrees." He closes the door and Bender groans. Hermes fluffs a cushion on a couch in the corner. "Bender, mon, lie yourself down." Hermes said. Bender laid on the couch and it bursts into flames. It burns away and leaves nothing but ash. Bender falls to the floor. "My couch!" Derpy screamed "You're paying for that!" Everyone stood inside Zoidberg's Office, though Derpy wore pillow cushions all over her. Bender sat on the examination table "I'll have a look, but I remind you, I'm an expert on humans not robots." Zoidberg spoke. "You're an expert on bullsh-" Derpy muffled, but fell onto her face before she could finish. Zoidberg shines a torch into Fry's eye. "I'm not Bender, I'm Fry." He said "Really? I though you were the robot." Zoiudberg replied in shock "Nope. Human." "Alright, alright, spare me your life story." He turned to Bender. "Now what seems to be the trouble?" "My tummy hurts and I've been having this burning electrical discharge." Bender answered Zoidberg runs a stethoscope across Bender's casing. "Hmm. Don't worry, you'll be fine." He turns to the rest of the staff "I didn't have the heart to tell him: It's fin fungus. He'll be floating upside-down by morning." He walks off tutting. Amy turned to Bender. "You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender." She said "Take some zinc." "I'm 40% zinc." Bender replied "Then take some Echinacea or a St. John's wort." "Or a big fat placebo. It's all the same crap." Farnsworth added Bender coughs and a sound comes from his chest cabinet. "Hey, what's rattling around in there?" Leela askes "It may well be the cause of Bender's illness." Farnsworth spoke "But more importantly, it's a flimsy pretext to try out my latest invention. To the laboratory!" He shuffles off very slowly and the rest quickly pass him. "Uh... little help?" Derpy muffled In Farnsworth's Lab, Farnsworth held up a torch-like object to the rest of the crew. "I call this the F-ray." He said "It's like an X-ray, only it allows you to see through anything, even metal. Now, the neutrino beam it emits is a tad dangerous, so you'll all need protective goggles. Amy, Hermes, Fry, Derpy, and Leela put on some goggles, but gasp when they see Farnsworth putting on a full-body radiation suit. He picked up the F-ray and turns to Bender. "You may feel a slight stinging sensation... all of you!" Farnsworth turned on the F-ray and shines it on Bender's casing. He adjusts it and the beam lights up Bender's inner workings. Farnsworth points the beam at Bender's head showing his CPU number, 6502, then he points it at his arms, feet and back to his body. A watch is jammed into Bender's workings. "Aha! There's the cause of your illness." "Hey, that's my watch!" Amy yelled "I was wondering where I put that." Bender said. He put his hand down his throat and hande Amy her watch through his door. He turns from the reddish colour back to his normal blue-grey colour. "Hey, now I feel much better! Thanks, Professor. And, Amy, I'm sorry I took your watch." She smiles and hugs him. Bender steals her earrings and chuckles, along with Derpy, holding a sign that read '50-50'. Amy moved away and he tosses the earrings down his throat, followed by a cough. Fry,Derpy, and Bender stay with Farnsworth while the others leave. Farnsworth took off his suit. "Well, I've got to go take this suit to the decontaminators." He said. "You three lock up the F-ray and, for the love of God, don't let it fall into the wrong hands." He handed it to them. They look at each other and chuckle. In the streets of New New York City Street, Derpy laid on Fry's head as he and Bender walked down the busy street with the F-ray. "What should we point it at first?" Bender asked "I 'unno." Fry replied "Try it on me." Bender turned it on and points it at Fry's crotch. Fry doubled over in pain, though Derpy laughed. "Ow! My sperm!" "Wow, neat! Mind if I try that again?" "Do it!" Derpy cheered. He points it at Fry's crotch again but nothing happens. "Huh, didn't hurt that time." Bender watched a Fembot walk past. "Whoa, mama! Hold still, sexy lady." Bender said, pointing the F-ray at her. He and Derpy gasped. "What's wrong?" "That's no lady!" Derpy answered "Damn Chico!" The 'Fembot' replied "One more upgrade and I'll be more lady than you can handle! Why you so stupid, stupid?" "Hey! Bite my furry little ass!" "You couldn't afford it, honey." It snaps it's fingers and walks off. Derpy looked at her hooves. "If only I had fingers." Inside a 7^11 convenience store, The three use the F-ray to look inside products such as Mom's Friendly Robot Oil, Bachelor Chow, Robo Fresh, Tanning Butter, Mr Baked Beans and Glagnar's Human Rinds. Fry groaned. "All this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty." He said. They saw a stack of Slurm cans in the corner, next to a life-sized cardboard stand-up of Slurms MacKenzie and the babes, with a speech bubble comes from Slurms' mouth with "Win A Party With Me" written on it. Fry picked up a can. "Ah, if only there was some way of knowing which can had the winning bottle-cap inside." Bender stops pointing the F-ray at some Hot Logs and turns to Fry. "Huh, w-what? I didn't hear you. I was too busy using this F-ray to look inside of things." "Wait a second. I'm getting an idea. N-No, false alarm. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Wait. No. Yeah. Yeah. No ... no. Ye-!" Derpy took the F-Ray and pointed it at the cans. "None are the winners, dumbass!" She yelled "Now come on! Let's cheat and win! Like Politics!" In the Planet Express Lounge, Leela and Farnsworth sit at the table playing 3D Scrabble. The door opened and Bender slams the F-ray onto the table, upsetting the letters.] "Ah, this thing stinks." Bender said "We checked 90,000 cans of Slurm and all we won was this junk." Fry added, pointing behind him to a cart full of Slurm merchandise including Slurm coats, a cooler of Slurm cans, eight Slurm blernsball caps, a Slurm motorbike and a Slurm jet-ski. Derpy held a Slurms MacKenzie plushie, snuggling it. "I'm fine with this." She said. "I never wanna see another can of Slurm again... Man, am I thirsty." He walked over to the fridge and takes out a refreshing can of Slurm. He starts guzzling it back and suddenly starts to cough and choke. "Fry, are you alright!?" Leela asked in shock. Bender picked up the F-ray and points it at Fry's neck. A Slurm bottle-cap with "You Win!" written on it is lodged in his throat. "You did it, Fry! You found the winning bottle-cap! We won!" Bender cheered. Fry cheered and wheeze. "Heimlich maneuver!!!" Derpy yelled. She flapped her wings and, with one of her hind legs, kicked the back of Fry's back. The cap flew out of Fry's mouth and landed in Derpy's hoof. She stood up, putting on a red bandana, and did a kung fu pose. The head of John Claude Van Dam was present. "...Nice." He commented. The Planet Express ship flew towards the Slurm planet. The planet has a ring and the "Slurm" logo is painted on it. The ship landed outside the Slurm Factory with a banner reading 'Welcome Contest Winners!' above the gates. The staff walked out of the ship down the steps. Outside the gates are four worms. Two of them play a fanfare and the gates open. A path leads from the gates up to a building. On the steps of the building two worms roll out a red carpet. The end of the carpet reaches the gates and a worm dressed in a purple suit with tophat popped out. "Welcome to the planet Wormulon!" He greeted "I'm Glurmo, your golly-rific guide to the splend-tacular Slurm factory!" "Uh-huh. Can we have our free Slurm now?" Fry asked, Derpy slapped him in the back of his head, "You'll have all the Slurm you can drink later on when you're partying with my good friend, Slurms MacKenzie." He moved aside and behind him is Slurms with the babes. Slurms' party music plays. "Alright! Whimmy-wham-wham-wazzle! Lay some skin on me, dudes!" He cheered. Fry and Bender do, though Derpy fangirled out. "Wow! The original party worm!" She said "Are you ready to get down, get funky with us!? "He'd better be," Glurmo replied "that's what we pay him for. Right, Slurms?" Slurms cringed and waved his arms around. "Right!" He yelled "In fact, Slurms has to party all night, every night, or he's fired!" "Rock on!" "But before the party, you're all in for a fun-derful treat: A VIP tour of the Slurm factory!" He slid back through the gates and everyone follows, Derpy behind. "Enjoy the tour, dudes!... I'm gonna go lie down." Glurmo and the staff gather near the Slurm Factory Entrance. "Welcome, my friends," Glurmo spoke "to the wondrous world of whimsy that we like to call "Slurms Centralised Industrial Fabrication Unit"." Behind him, some worms open some doors. The crew walk through the door and gasp. The room looks like the huge room where Slurm cans grow on trees and a river of Slurm flows down the middle. "...This feels familiar." Derpy said. "... Do they make clouds here?" They got onto a small paddle boat. They see some small, orange faces and green hair aliens across the river, carrying barrels of Slurm. "Who are those horrible orange creatures over there?" Farnsworth asked "Why, those are the Grunka Lunkas." Glurmo replied "They work here in the Slurm factory." "Tell them I hate them." "At least it isn't the Jersey Shore." Derpy said, laying on Leela's head. The staff all sailed down the green river. "As we sail down the river of Slurm," Glurmo spoke "you'll see our mix-ologists at work." He points to some Grunka Lunkas stirring cauldrons of yellow-orange stuff. "They take 900 of the finest ingredients, add a touch of child-like delight and mix it all with glacial spring water from our glacial spring water generator." He points to a Grunka Lunka pumping water into a bucket from two containers labelled 'H2' and 'O'. "Why am I getting a weird vibe?" Derpy asked herself "Then, last of all, we add the secret ingredient that makes Slurm so deliciously addictive." A Grunka Lunka tips up a barrel labelled "Secret Ingredient" into a cauldron of Slurm ingredients but another pulls a curtain across before anyone can see anything. "So, what's the secret ingredient?" Fry asked "It's whatever your imagination wants it to be." "Oh. But what is it really?" "That's not for you to know. Now, over here, the Grunka Lunkas are inducing Wumpus berries to release their flavour, using sensual massage." He points to some Grunka Lunkas who rub piles of purple berries. "Psst, those berries." Bender whispered "Those are the secret ingredient, right?" "No." "You positive?" "Yes." "I'm just asking cause they look kind of secret." "Enough! There will be no further questions." Derpy raised her hoof. "Why?" She asked. Leela points across Fry. "Hey, look!" She said "The disgusting little men are starting to sing." On the river bank, six Grunka Lunkas line up and dance and sing. ♫Grunka Lunka dunkity-do, We've got a friendly warning for you, Grunka Lunka dunkity-dasis, The secret of Slurm's on a need-to-know basis. Asking questions in school is a great way to learn. If you try that stuff here you might get your legs broke. We once found a dead guy face down in the Slurm. It could easily happen again to you folks. So keep you head down, And keep your mouth shut, Grunka Lunka lunka dunkity dot!♫ Glurmo leaned over the side of the boat and waved his cane. "Hey, I don't pay you to sing!" He shouted "You just used up today's bathroom break!" The boat disappeared into a tunnel. "...Hard ass." One of the Grunka Lunkas muttered. "I heard that!" The tunnel is lined with large barrels of Slurm. "Now, on your right, you'll see the Slurm Master checking the Slurm for color and bouquet." Flurmo spoke, pointing as an old worm with a long, white beard, holding a glass of Slurm. Fry watches and licks his lips. "So thirsty." He muttered to himself. Derpy slapped the back of his head. "Don't talk about mom like that!" "Then he tastes it." Glurmo spoke "He tastes it and tastes it, then tastes it some more. "Uh, could I have some Slurm, please?" Fruy begged, rubbing the back of his head from Derpy's slap. "No food or drink allowed on the tour. You'll have to wait until you're partying with Slurms MacKenzie." "When will that be?" "Soon enough." "That's not soon enough!" "Hey, what's behind that door?" Leela asked, pointing at a door with a "Keep Out" sign on it. It's guarded by two worms. "Nothing." Glurmo answered "LIAR!!!" Derpy accused "Is it the secret ingredient?" Leela added. Five Grunka Lunkas dance across in front of the door. ♫Grunka Lunka dunkity dingredient, You should not ask about the secret ingredient.♫ "OK, OK, we get the point." Bender groaned "I was just curious because of the armed guards." Leela said ♫Grunka Lunka dunkity darmed guards--♫ "SHUT THE HELL UP!!!" Derpy yelled, throwing a bottle and knocking out one of the Grunka Lunkas. Derpy was weighed down with a muzzle on. To say she looked sad would be an understatement, as she was depressed; her ability to fly was now gone until it ended. Not even her attempted cuteness made Glurmo release her. However, she walked around, seeing Fry sneak to the back of the boat while Glurmo spoke to Hermes. Leela walked around and both watched Fry as he leaned over the back of the boat but can't quite reach the lake "What are you doing?" Leela demanded "I'm dying of thirst!" Fry replied "Grab my feet and dunk my head in so I can drink." "No. That's moronic." Due to Derpy being muffled, we will use Near dark grey text for her dialogue. "Very Moronic." Derpy added "Unless you go for a swim, you won't get it." "I have no idea what you said," Fry replied "But I'll just let go and swim around in the Slurm and drink as much as I want." Derpy groaned as he laughed, but tumbles in. He waves his arms around. "Help! I can't swim!" He disappears under the water. Leela sighed and dived in after him. Derpy, leaned over the edge, but quickly regreted it, falling into the lake, but was quickly rescued by Bender... who whistled as Fry & Leela gasped for air. "Bender, why did you jump in?" Leela asked "Everybody was doing it." He answered "I just wanted to be popular." "And I fell in." Derpy added. A whirlpool formed below them and they're sucked underwater. They scream and are pulled through a hole in the bottom of the Slurm river. The four fly out of a pipe and land on a grate. Slurm poured out of the pipe and into the grate. "Where are we?" Leela asked "And why is the Slurm pouring into this sewer?" Bender added. Fry wringed some Slurm from his hair into his mouth and spits it straight out. "This isn't Slurm at all!" He yelled in anger "That's why you wash your hair, idiot." Derpy groaned. Even though she wore a muzzle, she went underneath the waterfall and took a slurp from the Slurm. Her ceeks perked and she vomited. "AHHH!!! IT TASTES LIKE INK!!!" Leela picked her up in one of Derpy's favorite craddles "Something's rotten on the planet Wormulon." Leela spoke. "Tell me about it. Look!" Derpy pointed at the other side of the cave they were in. There are two doors; One marked "Real Factory" and the other marked "Fake Factory". Leela quietly opened the fake factory door and they peer around it; It's the door from earlier that was marked "Keep Out". On the other side one of the worm guards smokes while another knits. A Grunka Lunka sleeps and two others play poker. She closed the door again. "This all must have something to do with the secret ingredient." "My God." Fry spoke "What if the secret ingredient ... is people?" "No. There's already a soda like that: Soylent Cola." Derpy's eyes widened "WHAT!?!?!?" "Oh. How is it?" Fry asked "It varies from person to person." Leela answered "... Hm, guess that's why vapors taste weird. Leela, Derpy, Fry, and Bender crept down the dark tunnels. They see torchlight up ahead. Bender gasps.] "Quick." Leela whispered to the group. They ducked behind a rock. Two guards slide along the roof of the cave with a torch and laser. They pass them without seeing them. "Look! Slurm! Finally!" Fry pointed at a conveyor belt with cans of Slurm on it. He walks over, picks up a can and drinks from it. "Oh, yeah! I'm never going 12 minutes without a Slurm again." "It's the end of the line." Leela spoke "This must be where they put in the secret ingredient." Behind her is a door marked "Slurm Production Chamber". "Well, whatever it is, it's even better fresh." He takes another swig. "Mmm, still warm." "Frsh? Warm?" Derpy contemplated. Leela opened the door. They all walked in and gasp; In the middle of the room is a huge worm wearing a crown and scoffing handfuls of Wumpus berries. Some worms massage the middle of her body and the secret ingredient comes out the other end of her and into Slurm cans. Everyone was disgusted, and Derpy, again, puked. Fry gulps back some more Slurm. "Fry!" Leela yelled. Fry realised what he is doing and spits the Slurm out with a sigh of relief. Then he drinks some more. "Fry!" He spits it out again and they watch the giant, Queen looking worm produce the drink. "That's the secret ingredient of Slurm!?" Derpy asked "I don't know," Leela replied "But I think that's the only ingredient of Slurm." "Ew!" Fry added. He consoled himself by drinking from the can again. Leela knocks it out of his hand and the Slurm Queen turned around with a loud roar. She swings at them with her back end and they duck out of the way. She takes another swipe at Leela, and she jumps out the way to Fry, Derpy, and Bender. The Queen took another swing and they run out the door screaming. Fry ran back in to pick up the can of Slurm, but Derpy jumped onto the back of his head and delivered another slap. He groaned and ran out. The three (with Derpy riding & holding onto Fry's hair) ran around a corner and guards fire their lasers at them. They come to a ravine and nearly fall into it. "I'll save us!" Bender spoke. He extended his arms and legs over the ravine, allowing all of them to run across him. "Oh, that feels good!" They reach the other side and Bender retracts his arms and legs. "Thanks, Bender!" Fry spoke. Bender coughed. Fry and Leela reluctantly hand him some cash, though Derpyt held up a magnet. "Don't make me use this!" She threatened. They all ran around another corner. "The exit! We made it!" Leela pointed. The "exit" leads back to where they began with the queen looking worm still there. "Uh, Your Majesty, I brought the prisoners." Bender spoke. Derpy jumped onto Bender's head and attacked. "TRAITOR!!!" Bender held her, but they all saw Glurmo appearing from behind the Queen. "Well, my curious friends," He said "you learned the secret of Slurm. That concludes the portion of the tour where you stay alive." "You wish, you slimy worm! Hi-yah!" Leela yelled. She karate chopped Glurmo's head off. The decapitated head grows a body and the body grows a head, forming two Glurmos. A guard hands the new head a hat. The Glurmos pin Leela to the floor. Guards point lasers at Fry, Derpy, and Bender's backs. "Good work, Glurmo. You have pleased your queen." The huge worm spoke. "Thank you, Your Majesty." One of the Glurmos spoke with a high pitch voice "Thanks, ma'am." The other replied in a more nasally sounding tone "How can you trick people into drinking something that comes out of your behind!?" Leela demanded "It's disgusting." "Is it?" The Queen asked "Honey comes from a bee's behind. Milk comes from a cow's behind. And have you ever used toothpaste?" "Whose behind does that come from?" Fry asked "You don't wanna know." "Look, we just came to party with Slurms MacKenzie." Derpy spoke "By the way, when is that scheduled?" "...I have no idea what it said. GUARDS!!! Take the Muzzle off!!!" Some of the guards took Derpy's muzzle off. "Yes! I can speak! Now, as I was saying-" "Look, we just came to party with Slurms MacKenzie." Bender spoke "By the way, when is that scheduled?" Derpy glared at him. "Never!" The queen shouted. "To the torture cave!" In the Torture cave, Bender has been tied to a conveyor belt, which moves towards a machine. "You, my metal friend," The queen spoke "will have the honor of becoming 174 Slurm cans." "Ah, this trip is turning into a big letdown." Bender spoke. "You think!?" Derpy replied, standing in the middle of a that slowly filled with Slurm. "At least you'll be usable after death. I'm just gonna be fossilized in Worm ass juice." "Correct!" The Queen replied before slithering to Leela, who is raised in a harness and suspended over a vat of purple goo. The Glurmos stand by a control unit. "As for you, you will be submerged in Royal Slurm which, in a matter of minutes, will transform you into a Slurm Queen like myself. "But, Your Highness," One of the Glurmos spoke "she's a commoner. Her Slurm will taste foul." "Yes! Which is why we'll market it as New Slurm. Then, when everyone hates it, we'll bring back Slurm Classic, and make billions!" She and the Glurmos laugh. Small Glurmo #1 pushed a lever down and Leela is lowered into the purple Slurm. "You bastards!!!" Derpy yelled "You can't hurt my family like that, you coca-cola copycatteers!!! Fry, sick 'em!" "Uh... What about me?" Fry asked. Derpy groaned to herself. "Why do I even try?" "You are free to go." The Queen spoke to Fry "Yes!" He cheered "If you can resist this concentrated super Slurm!" The Glurmos grab him and sit him in a chair in front of a tub. The Slurm Queen fills the tub with a dark green slime. "It's so delicious, you'll eat until you explode! Oh, which reminds me, put a tarp over that sofa, will you? Bon appétit!" One of the Glurmos forces a spoonful of the Slurm into Fry's mouth. Fry struggles then smiles. "Farewell! Oh, and congratulations again on winning the contest." She and the Glurmos laugh insanely and leave. "Fry, untie us, quick!" Leela yelled. "I'm too young to die!" Derpy added "Here I come!" Fry spoke. He stops at the tub of Slurm. "Let me just-- One more taste." He takes three scoops "You pig!" Leela yelled "Stop stuffing your craw and save us." Fry walked towards her, then changes his mind and sticks his head into the tub. "I can't see what's happening. Are we boned?" Bender asked "Yeah, we're boned." Then, the sound of a machine was heard, with a door openeing. Derpy looked up to see the Stallion. "You!!!" She cheered. "You're here!!!" "I am." He replied with a smug. The other one appeared. "I'm here as well!" "Ugh, how many times do I have to tell you!? Stay inside!" "Oh, well excuse me! Two minds are better than one!... Say, is that Slurm? I love that stuff!" He ran off. "Wait! Don't-!" More eating was heard. The stallion groaned, turning to Derpy. "Why did I ever do that experiment?" "... I don't follow." Derpy replied. "Oh... right... different time. Hold still." He pulled out his screwdriver and the machine stopped. The stallion walked away, but threw a ladder down for her. She climbed up the ladder and landed next to him. "How did you know we'd be here?" "Like I said, I'm a traveler. This is my second time here, actually... kinda had the same adventure like you all. Now hold still." He used the screwdriver again and the weights fell off. Derpy stretched and cracked her bones. "Ahh! That feels good!... Wait! My family!" "We're alright." Leela spoke. Derpy turned to see Leela dried off, Bender with a single hole in the middle of his casing, and Fry with the other stallion suffering from rehab already. "Hold on, I got this." The stallion next to Derpy spoke, pulling out two huge needles. "You may want to close your eyes... and cover your ears." The group ran through the caves, though the smarter stallion was back in his box, no doubt, becoming more of a Deus Ex Machina in flesh. "We're close to the exit!" Leela spoke "I can smell those filthy orange guys." The not-so-smart stallion sniffed the air. "Hm... Axe Body Spray." He observed. Ahead of them is Slurms MacKenzie and the babes. "Stop right there!" He announced "Slurms MacKenzie!?" Bender, Derpy, and the stallion asked in shock "Shh! I want you to take me with you." "...Say what?" Derpy asked "I'm partied out. All I want is to stay home and rent videos and watch them with a few friends. Is that so much to ask?" "Forget it, pal." Bender replied, holding up the "You Win!" cap. "It says on this bottle-cap you have to party with us." "Alright, when we get to Earth. But please don't invite too many people, I wanna keep it small." "No can do, Slurms!" He pats him on the back. The cave started to shake and the Slurm Queen bursts through the wall. Everyone screams. "This way!" Slurms ushered them into another part of the cave. A sign above reads "Danger Cave-In Area". "She's gaining on us!" Derpy spoke "Quickly! We need C4s!" Slurms stops running. "Go on without me, I'll hold her off." He spoke Everyone else stops. "But she'll crush you like a worm!" Fry replied "...Crushing a smaller worm." "It's alright. I'm so tired of partying. So very tired." He took off his shades off revealing his bloodshot eyes underneath. "I'll save you the only way I know how: By partying!" One of his babes turns on Slurms' music and he starts to dance. "Babes?" "Yes, Mr. MacKenzie?" One of them asked "You've served me well these 40 years, but this time I've got to party alone." "But--" The other retorted "There'll be other parties for you. Now go. Go!" They run away and Slurms dances and the Slurm Queen closes in. The tunnel starts to collapse and Slurms turned the volume up to maximum. More rocks fall from the roof. Bender and Derpy turned around "Party on, Slurms." Derpy spoke with a tear falling down her eye. Slurm saluted. "Party on, contest winners. Party on." Bigger rocks falls from above and they pile up in the tunnel. Back in the ship's Cockpit, Hermes, Zoidberg and Amy sit on the couch, Bender relaxes at his station, Leela pilots the ship with Derpy snuggling on her head, all while Fry and Farnsworth use the phone. "Commissioner, my crew has made a horrific discovery." Farnsworth spoke "It seems that Slurm is produced in a colossal worm hiney!" On the screen, the commissioner sits in his office in front of a seal with "Bureau Of Soft Drinks, Tobacco, Firearms" written around it. "Hmm, "hiney", you say?" He asked "Why, with your testimony we'll finally be able to outlaw this insidious Slurm." "Outlaw Slurm!?" Fry asked. He looked at a can and runs between Farnsworth and the screen. "Uh, don't pay any attention to him, sir! Grandpa's making up crazy stories again." "I'm not your grandpa, you're my uncle!" Farnsworth replied "From the year 2000!" Fry made the cuckoo gesture. "OK, grandpa," The commissioner replied "we'll take care of the "bad worms", don't you worry." He hanged up. Fry opened another can of Slurm. "Ah, I just wish Slurms MacKenzie were here to enjoy this with us." Fry spoke. Then the machine whirring came. The box appeared and both the smart stallion and Slurms came out. "You really think that'll help?" Slurms asked, no doubt, the two seemed to have a conversation beforehand. "Of course it will." The stallion replied "I may be a traveler, but I'm a doctor at heart. Now, with these papers signed, you should have a great retirement ahead of you, but keep taking these pills, eat healthy, and... well... try to avoid Slurm." He handed Slurms some pills. "Ah, thanks brother." Slurms accepted and the two did a bro fist... or hoof... slime? Everyone just watched, though the other stallion that was with them snickered. "It's a placebo." He whispered to Derpy. Derpy blinked, but smiled. "Let him have it." She replied "PARTY!!!" Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me I second that EmotionIn the Planet Express's Kitchen, Leela picked up a large can of Kibbles 'n' Snouts and carried it over to a huge electric can opener on the wall. Outside, Derpy and Nibbler slept, though Derpy herself wore a helmet. Nibbler's third eye & Derpy's ears perked up and looked around as they heard the can opener. The two got up and ran into the kitchen. Back in the kitchen, as Derpy & Nibbler entered, Derpy rested on Fry's head as he got some coffee as Nibbler waited excitedly. Leela tipped the can over and the meat slowly slides out from inside. Nibbler sat in his food dish and the meat falls on him, but he scoffs it in a few bites. "Aww! Somebody likes snouts." Leela cooed. Derpy cringed at the sight. "Is it me?" Fry asked. Derpy slapped him. Bender wandered in, humming to himself. The magnet on the can opener pulls him off the floor and starts cutting into him. "Ow, my head!" He screamed in pain "My precious head!" Leela quickly turned the can opener off and Bender edges away from it. "Stupid can opener. You killed my father and now you've come back for me!" Derpy flew to him. "You alright, Bender?" She asked. Bender rubbed his head. The top half is cut like a half-open can. "Yeah, I guess so. But I don't see why we keep this ticking time-bomb around just for that dumb animal!" "Don't yell at Nibbler like that." Leela retorted, picking him up. "You hurt his feelings. Come on, pet him and make up." Bender turned "No." "I said pet him." "I'll pet him. I'll pet him with both hands!" Nibbler leaped out of Leela's hands and bites Bender's shiny metal ass. "Ow! My ass! Get off!" Fry laughed at the sight. "What's so funny?" Derpy asked "You did the same thing." He answered. Nibbler released Bender's ass "Are you alright!?" Leela asked "Ah, it's nothing a lawsuit won't cure." Bender answered "Not you." She picked up Nibbler and looked into his mouth. "Aww, poor baby chipped a fang." She carries Nibbler away, kissing and peting him. "Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don't see anyone kissing it." "ZOIDBERG!!!" Derpy announced, ringing a bell. Zoidberg, nearby, puts a book down and stands up from the table. "Alright, I'm coming." He reluctantly spoke In the Animal Clinic Waiting Room, A man sat, stroking a cat; a cat sat, stroking a man, and Leela sat with Nibbler while Fry & Bender stand, and Derpy held a sign reading 'I'm not a pet!'. A door opens and a woman comes out with a two-headed dog, followed by the vet, Jeffery Grant. "Remember," Jeffery spoke "Rover gets the pill and Pepper gets the suppository." The woman and her dog(s) left. "Next!" At an Animal Clinic Examination Room, Derpy learned that, despite many advances in technology, some things din't change. Such is the case that Veterinary surgeries haven't changed much in a thousand years; there is a sink, a paper towel dispenser, and an examination table in the middle of the room, which Nibbler sits on. Jeffery fetches a small hammer and taps Nibbler on the head with it, making him squeal. He looks in his mouth. "It's just a simple broken fang, nothing serious." He spoke "What's that you say there, doctor?" Bender asked "You're gonna have to put him down?" "No. What? Huh?" He looks at Fry, Derpy, and Leela in confusion. Bender shakes his head "Terrible shame that. Shall I do the honors?" He reached up to a shelf and takes down a bottle with some pink liquid in it marked "Goose Laxative". He holds the bottle by it's neck, smashes it on a table and points it at Nibbler. Derpy took out a video camera and recorded Leela, reaching across. "No!" She simply shouted, ripping Bender's arm off and smacking it against the table until it lets go of the broken bottle. "You about done?" "Next time I'm keeping it." She tosses the arm over her shoulder and Bender reattaches it. Derpy stopped recording. "And another million views." Derpy smiled, uploading the video. "OK, well I believe I have a replacement fang for your pet in the next room." Jeffery said as he walked through a door. It didn't close it. The group stepped back in horror when they heard an animal growling. Jeffery struggles with the growling creature and glass breaks. He flails his legs around and runs back into the examination room. The door closes. His shirt is ripped and blooded and he has a bruised eye. "The jaguar didn't wanna cooperate but luckily he knocked one of my teeth out. Heh heh... Now then." He pulled out the broken crown of Nibbler's fang and sets it down on a table. Fry picks it up. "Hey, what are these rings in Nibbler's fang?" Fry asked. Jeffery attaches Nibbler's new tooth with a laser. "Um, I'm still a little woozy from a gazelle kick this morning but if he's anything like the common tree, the rings might indicate his age." Fry laughs. "Yeah, well, good luck. It'd take some kind of genius to count all those rings." Derpy peeked "He's five." She said, followed by another slap to his face. In the Planet Express Lounge room, a "Happy 5th Birthday Nibbler" banner has been strung up on the wall. Despite not knowing when he was actually born, everyone figured that this should be Nibbler's unofficial birthday. "Happy birthday, young Nibbler." Fanrsworth spoke. Everyone sat on the floor surrounded by opened presents. The room is decorated with balloons and streamers and Fry sticks a picture to the wall. Nibbler scratches himself and runs around. "Aww, look how cuddly he looks in his new cape!" Leela cooed at Nibbler "I'd be cuddly too if someone gave me a new cape." Bender replied sarcastically. Derpy, hearing this, wrote down 'Make Bender a cape' in her notebook, right under 'Steal For Knox Gold' and 'Find more muffins' "Who's playing pin the tail on the moon maggot?" Fry asked. Bender snatches a tail from his hand. "Ooh, me! Everyone watch how good I am!" He 'closed' his eyes and used his cheating unit to pinpoint the exact place the tail should go, mostly indicated by his beeping. He pins it on, opens his eyes and cheers. "And the crowd goes wild! What prize do I get? Cash?" He turns around. No one is interested, though Derpy crossed her forelegs. "Cheater." She said "Hey, look at Nibbler!" Any spoke. Derpy flapped her wings and flew to them. Nibbler sat in a high-chair at the table and chews a spoon. "Aww, he's holding a spoon." Hermes cooed "He's so talented!" Zoidberg complimented "You call that talent!?" Bender asked "Gather round old Bender and get ready for the show of a lifetime! He took off his head, whistles Sweet Georgia Brown, and spun his head like a Globetrotter then reattaches it. "Ta-da!" He grumbles as no one but Derpy watched, though she recorded him. "That's some good Family Friendly stuff now." She said, uploading it. Leela put on a pointy party hat on Nibbler and his third eye pops out of the top. Hermes gasps. "Now he's wearing a hat!" He exclaimed "Come on, let's all sing Happy Birthday!" Leela spoke. ♫What day is today? It's Nibbler's birthday, What a day for a birthday, Let's all have some cake.♫ "And you smell like one too!" Fry added, giggling. Derpy blew a raspberry at him. "Hey, what about this?" Bender spoke, dancing around and whistling Sweet Georgia Brown again. "Bender, I thought you were supposed to be cooking for this party." Leela interupted "Fine, we'll have rack of Nibbler." "Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of it, make sure you put them in after you cook it." "Pepper was surely hot." Derpy said, holding up a picture of a model that was cut out of Scruffy's magazines. "So it's a cake you want, is it?" Bender asked "I'll make you a cake you'll never forget." In the kitchen, Derpy watched over Bender as he took some rat poison out of a cupboard and laughs insanely as he tips it onto something. Turns out, he's pouring it next to a hole in the bottom of the wall. "That'll take care of those annoying rats." He said to himself as he puts it back in the cupboard. "Now, to bake a cake so delicious they'll have no choice but to love and worship me." "Pfft, yeah right." Derpy said, pulling out one of Bender's magazines "That'll be the day when I turn human... hm... I don't really get the circuity here." Bender whistles more Sweet Georgia Brown as he walks to the fridge and takes two eggs out of a 12-pack of various grade bird eggs. He juggles them around, then rolls them across his shoulders and into a bowl. He tips in some flour, some Third & Third & Third and then uses his hand to whisk the mixture. He pours the mixture into a cake tin, puts the tin in his chest cabinet and switches it from 'refrigerate to 'E-Z bake', closes the door and hums as it cooks. Time had passed, and Derpy recorded everything. Bender ices the 5-tier birthday cake and puts a little Bender ornament on the top. "There! This'll teach those filthy bastards who's lovable." He said "Now all I have to do is spell check it and it's ready for my admiring public." He turns around and washes his hands. While his back is turned, Nibbler hops around the worktops and starts sniffing the cake. Derpy, held her breath, wanting it help her uncle out, but seeing the potential internet gold was in front of her! Bender turns around and saw "No! Get away from there!" Nibbler gobbles up the cake and Bender screams. Nibbler burped as the cake was gone. "That's it." He grabbed Nibbler by the eyestalk and marched to the bathroom. Derpy followed as Bender lifts the toilet seat lid. "Happy birthday!" He droped Nibbler in and flushes the toilet. Nibbler starts turning. Leela entered "Bender," she spoke "what's going-?" She gasps when she sees Nibbler disappear. "No!!!" "Hey! Can't you see I'm using the toilet?" "He paid me to do it!!!" Derpy lied, flying off and uploading the video. In the Meeting Room, Leela sat at the table, crying with the rest of the staff gathered around her. Derpy patted her back, trying to supportive. "Bender!" Amy yelled "How could you flush Nibbler down the toilet?" Bender sat on a chair with his feet on the table, smoking a cigar. "Well, step one, I had to lift the seat." He answered "That was the first little annoyance. Am I right, men?" "Aren't you upset at all?" Leela asked, still crying. "How would you feel if I flushed Fry down the toilet?" "Only one way to find out." "You have no sympathy for anyone else's feelings!" "Of course I do. Right now I feel sorry for you." "...You do?" "Yeah. I mean, one cantaloupe-sized bloodshot eye? You ain't winning no beauty pageants, lady." Leela cries some more. Derpy lifted a baseball bat. "Hold still." She said in anger. In the Bathroom, everyone, except Bender, stands around the toilet. Leela dabs her eyes with a tissue. "And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler," Farnswirth spoke. "who's gone to a place where I too hope one day to go: The toilet." Leela sobs and Fry nods to Hermes, who places a lily into the toilet. He nods back to Fry and he flushes the lily away. "I wouldn't feel so bad if Bender just understood the pain he caused me." Leela cried. They all hear Bender laughing. They peer around the door. Bender watches All My Circuits. Calculon is lying in a hospital bed. "Give it to me straight, doctor, don't sugarcoat it." Calculon spoke to a robot doctor next to him. "Very well." The Docbot replied "Your entire family died when a plane piloted by your fiance crashed into your uninsured home. And you have inoperable cancer." Bender laughs and kicks his legs. "Bet you weren't expecting that one, Calculon!" He laughed again. "It's like he doesn't understand simple humanoid emotion." Amy said. "Ahem." Derpy coughed, pointing at herself. "I wish just once Bender could feel exactly what I feel." Leela added. "Actually, through the miracle of science, that can be arranged." Farnsworth replied :Uh-oh. Is this gonna be another crazy experiment that crosses a line Man was not meant to cross?" Fry asked. "I'm no man, so we'll do it!!!" Derpy proclaimed, flying out of the bathroom. "TO THE LAB!!!" 1 Hour Later Bender still sat on the couch, watching the news as an official death toll in a tragic rocket crash had been raised to 54,000. Again, he snickered, but Fry, Hermes and Zoidberg grab him and pin him to the table. Farnsworth unscrewed his head. "Hey, what the hell are you doing with my head!?" Bender demanded. Farnsworth carries him across the room. "I need to tinker in it." He answered "Why don't you just use a potted plant like Fry?" "Quiet, you. I'm installing an empathy chip." He holds up a little green chip in a pair of pliers. "And that'll allow Bender to feel other people's emotions?" Fry asked "Yes. If by 'allow' you mean 'force'." He screws Bender's head into a vice and Derpy starts hammering the chip into the side of it, though, she purposely missed some strikes. "Thank you." He takes Bender's head out of the vice and rejoins it to his body. "Now I'll simply tune it to Leela's emotional frequency." He turns the chip with a screwdriver. It beeps. "My God!" Bender proclaimed "I'm overcome with ... feelings. I'm experiencing a powerful yearning to ... to cram my gullet full of mackerel heads." "That's me, baby!" Zoidberg said. Fansworth turned the chip again. "Now I'm worried that I'm not as smart as Leela," Bender said "but at the same time I feel relieved that I'm cuter than her." "Uh ... that's me." Amy said, embarrassed "Thanks for covering." Fry whispered. Farnsworth turned the chip again. "When people rely on surface appearances and false racial stereotypes, rather than in-depth knowledge of others at the level of the heart, mind and spirit, their ability to assess and understand people accurately is compromised." Bender quoted "...Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com" "Wow! He quoted what I loved!" Derpy spoke. Fanrsworth turned it again. "This time I miss Nibbler and I'm feeling nosy and opinionated." "Bingo!" Amy proclaimed "That's Leela!" Hermes added "Thank you, Professor." Leela said "I'm happy that Bender can finally feel my pain." The chip beeped "Happy." Bender said "I like this feeling. Just don't revert to your usual mopey self." "I'm not mopey. You shut up!" The chip beeped "Anger, huh? How dare you make me feel anger, you one-eyed jerk with a dead pet!" He laughs and Leela cries. The chip beeps and he cries too. "This is so weird!" Derpy proclaimed. To help her mom out, and pay for the bill, Derpy, Leela, and Amy had a girl's night out at O'Zorgnax's Pub. Leela wore a blue dress, Amy with a green top, and Derpy in another dress "Thanks for taking me out, Gals." Leela thanked the two "I feel slightly less miserable already." "Hey, you know what'd cheer you up?" Amy asked "You should get a puppy." "A puppy? ...Nibbler loved to eat puppies." She bursts into tears. Derpy pulled out her checklist and scratched out 'Get a Puppy'. She pulled her cellphone out and went into the restroom. Fry answered. "Oh, hey Derpy." He replied "What's Bender doing?" She asked. Bender suddenly cried "What's your problem?" "I miss Nibbler!" Bender whined "You do?" "Hell, no! It's Leela's stupid feelings.: He picks up a bottle of Olde Fortran. "Why can't she just drink herself happy like a normal person?" "Watch yourself!" Derpy warned "That's my mom!" She peaked out of the bathroom; Amy and a Hispanic guy dance closely. Leela drums her fingers and growls. "Uh-oh, jealousy." Derpy and Bender spoke in unison. She watched from the dropped phone's perspective as Bender stood up and points at Fry. "You think you're so hot!" Bender yelled "What?" Fry asked "The only reason you get all the guys is because you dress like a tramp!" He slaps Fry, making him drop his Slurm. Fry began to cry. "They're just responding to my personality." Derpy peaked out again; Leela is still sat at the bar and the guy has his arm around Amy as they approached to Leela. "Um, Leela?" Amy asked "Armando and I are going to the back seat of his car for coffee. You gonna be alright here by yourself?" "Sure." Leela replied in theatrical happiness "I'm having a great time -- really. You two go enjoy yourselves." They leave. Derpy turned back to her phone "I'm so lonely!!!" Bender cried again "I'm gonna go eat a bucket of ice cream." He walks off, crying to himself. "The spoon's in the foot powder!" Fry spoke. "...Maybe this is a bad idea." Derpy thought to herself, hanging up the phone and walking back to her mom. She rubbed her arm. "Let's get some icecream." "...Thanks." Leela replied, giving her a warm hug, still tearing up. "You know... I kinda thought you'd be with Bender on this." "...I was... but... I think the best form of happiness you can get is not by getting something yourself... but seeing someone else have the joy." "Aw... thank you, Derpy." In the following morning, in the Planet Express Meeting Room, A tear streamed down Leela's face as she looks at a photo of her and Nibbler in one of the cut outs at a beach where the head is. Derpy stood with Bender and Fry, watching from the doorway. Bender sighs. "I'm at the end of my rope." He spoke "I can't live another minute without poor, sweet Nibbler." "Too bad he wasn't an alligator." Fry replied "Y'know, when you flush those things, they stay alive in the sewers." "Really?" "Yep." Fry spoke "My friend's cousin's caseworker saw one once. It's a widely-believed fact. "That's a myth." Derpy scolded "Hmm, sewers." Bender thought aloud, scratching his chin. "Thinking, thinking, thinking...." In the Bathroom, Bender stands in the toilet. Derpy facehoofed herself "Hang on, Nibbler!" He yelled "Uncle Bender's coming to save you!" He flushes the toilet but doesn't go anywhere. "Damn, it's too small." He climbs out of it. "What did those human design this for anyway?" "For pooping." Derpy replied. Bender disconnects his left arm, drops it down the toilet and flushes it away. "Aha! Bender, one; toilet, zero!" He spins his head off and flushes it. "See you on the other side!" "...How the hell-!?" Someone knocks on the door. "Bender? Derpy?" Fry's voice spoke before the door opens "Have any of you seen my sombrero?" He gasps as Bender's right arm flushes itself away. "...How the Hell-!?" The staff sit around the table in the meeting "Now he's flushed himself down the toilet?" Leela asked "Who's he gonna flush next?" "I'm just surprised that the toilet could flush all of his parts down!" Derpy added. "It's your fault, Leela!" Fry pointed "He only flushed himself because your emotions made him feel bad." "You're right. I feel terrible." "Oh, great, now you're making him feel worse!" "Quickly! Take lessons from Kristen Stewart!" Derpy added, holding the unfazed head of Kristen Stewart. "Someone. Help." She 'yelled' "Sorry, but I guess we'd better go down into the sewers and look for him." Leela took initiative "Are you crazy!?" Amy exclaimed "There's mutants down there! They'll eat you alive!" "They're hideous!" Zoidberg added. "It'll be better than looking at you." Derpy replied. "OHH!!!" Everyone but Leela yelled "There's no such thing as mutants." Leela spoke "That's a ridiculous urban myth." "Oh, don't be so sure." Farnsworth replied "Many scientists believe humans really could mutate down there. Uh, due to exposure to toxic waste and radioactive run-off and good old American feces!" "God bless America." Fry said. On a New New York City Street, In the middle of the road outside the Planet Express building, Leela lifts a manhole cover with a picture of Thurgood Stubbs from The PJs engraved on it. Fry and Derpy peer down the hole as she drags it away. "Phew!" Fry exclaimed at the small "Uh, ladies first." Derpy pushed him down the hole and he screams before splashing into the sewer water below. "Oh, and the aftertaste!" Derpy's cheeks perked, but she swallowed. The three crawled through the pitch black tunnels. Fry lights a match and screams. "What is it?" Leela asked "I burned my finger." He replied. "Gimme!" Derpy snatched it and lead the way They float down the sewer river on an inflatable yellow raft, pointing flashlights around. "OK, check the guidebook." Leela spoke. Fry shines his torch onto a page of 'Let's Go Sewers'. "Looks like we're under Park Avenue." He replied "Ooh, ritzy! Just think: All this was probably once a charity luncheon for the Met." A noise comes from down the sewers. Derpy hid between the two, taking a gun out. "Wait, what's that?" "Whatever it is, it won't be happy!" Derpy said, cocking the gun. They shine their torches down the tunnels and see Bender at the other end trying to reattach his limbs. He has his right arm in his right leg socket and his right leg to the right arm socket. "I never should have thrown out the manual." He groaned to himself "Bender, you didn't have to come down here." Leela said, walking to the robot "I know. But I just missed Nibbler so much." "He was so cute." She began to cry. The chip beeped "He was so sweet." Bender cried and the two hug each other. "Eck! This emotional display is making me nauseous." Fry commented. He points the torch at something in the water. "Or maybe it's whatever that is." Derpy puked in the waters. The four sit in the raft as it carries on through the sewers. "Nibbler!?" Leela shouted "Nibbler!?" Bender shouted "It's no use. We'd better turn back. Which way, Fry?" "Hmm. According to this map, the only way out is through ... that pipe." Fry pointed his torch at an extremely thin pipe. The three glare at him. "Don't worry. It gets wider after about a mile." "Idiot." The three said simultaneously "OK, OK, never mind. I'll just ask those people for directions." He points the torch ahead. Hideous creatures were in the each, each diverse with extra bodily features such as arms, eyes, noses, hands. They growl at them "Mutants!" Derpy yelled Fry screams, then Leela, then, after his chip has beeped, Bender. Derpy reached for her gun, but gafgged as it had a brown surprise on it. Fry pushed them all aside "I'll take care of this!" He spoke. He set the end of the guidebook alight and points it at the mutants. "Back! Back!" One of the mutants, a hideous woman with green scaly skin, a snout and gills, steps forwards and uses the flaming guidebook to light a cigarette. She smokes it and smoke comes out of her gills. "Thanks, handsome." It spoke in a raspy woman's voice. Another mutant with a huge forehead and two noses stepped forward. "Please, do not be frightened, we're harmless." He spoke "I have three arms." Another mutant with a third arm over where his right ear should be, retorted. "I said "harmless" not "armless"." "Lay off him." The smoking mutant replied "You know he's only got one ear." "Hey, aren't you supposed to be eating our brains?" Fry asked "You're mutants." "Don't give them ideas!!!" Derpy exclaimed, jumping and hiding in Bender's chest. "Mutants?" The Forehead asked "Perhaps it is you who are the mutants." "Please, Dwayne, have you looked in a mirror lately?" The pig nosed woman asked The mutants lead Fry, Leela, Derpy, and Bender down the tunnels and into an open space with buildings and other mutants. The forehead was introduced as Dwayne, the pig nosed woman as Vyolet, and the three armed as Raoul. Derpy flew ahead and avoided both the touches of the mutants that thought she was cute, and any of her surroundings. "Welcome to our village." Raoul introduced the group "It may not be Paris but it has a certain quaint charm that I, for one, wouldn't trade for the world." "You guys realize you live in a sewer, right?" Bender asked "Perhaps." Dwayne replied "But perhaps your civilization is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you." "No, we're on the top." Leela replied. Derpy snickered. "Daylight and everything." Fry added. Dwayne groaned "It must be wonderful." Vyolet spoke, dream-like "Eh." Bender replied, making the "middle-of-the-road" gesture. "It doesn't have great Wi-Fi." Derpy added. "Listen, we actually came down here to find our pet, Nibbler." Leela spoke "He got flushed down the toilet." "Well if he got flushed down the toilet he probably came through here." Raoul replied "Everything always does. Follow me." He opens an umbrella and they follow him, covering themselves, though Derpy used her wings. "All that is ours was once flushed down your toilets. Over there is our aquarium." He points at a fish tank with eight fish and a yellow bird floating dead on the top. "This is our library." The library is just a shelf. Derpy looked at what is on offer. "Nothing but crumpled porno and Ayn Rand." She observed "And over here is our church." Fry opened the door and looks around. In front of the altar is a huge nuclear warhead. "Wow. You guys worship an unexploded nuclear bomb?" He asked "Yeah, but nobody's that observant." Vyolet replied "It's mainly a Christmas and Easter thing." Derpy picked up a copy of a famous post apocalyptic game. "You have predicted the future, 2008." She said. The group walk down a street and pass many dry cleaners.] "Nibbler!?" Leela shouted "Come to Daddy, sweetie-ookums." Bender added "So, is it true that alligators flushed down the toilet survive down here?" Fry asked "No. That's just an urban legend." Vyolet replid. "HA!!!" Derpy laughed "YOU OWE ME 10 BUCKS!!!" "Then what are those?" Bender pointed "Crocodiles." Vyolet answered with a snort "We keep them as pets." Raoul added "Then, when they grow too large, we flush them down into the sub-sewer." He points to a huge toilet in the middle of the mutant town. "Some say there's a freakish race of sub-mutants down there." Dwayne commented "Please, that's just a sub-urban legend." Vyolet retorted "Oh? Then I suppose you also don't believe in..." He snatched Fry's torch and shines it under his chin, emphasizing his hideous-ness. "El Chupanibre!!!" The other mutants gasp. "El Chupanibre?" Leela asked "What's that?" Dwayne strums a guitar. "Gather round, children, for the legend of El Chupanibre!" ♫He creeps and crawls in the midnight hush, Silent as a low-flow toilet flush, Watch your step, 'Cause sooner or later, He'll eat you whole, And half your alligator.♫ "Crocodile." Vyolet corrected "Whatever "Wait!" Leela exclaimed "Our pet Nibbler loves fresh crocodile. It's his favorite treat. He must be El Chupanibre!" "Hey, yeah!" Bender added "You unleashed the dreaded El Chupanibre upon us!?" Raoul demanded "Then you are our sworn enemies." The growling mutants surround them. "You shouldn't have said that!" Derpy yelled. "You don't understand." Leela retorted "He would never hurt people. Let us help you capture him." "Impossible!" Dwayne exclaimed "If the legend is true, our only hope is to offer him a snack-rifice." "Yes. An unspoiled virgin." Raoul added "I volunteer." Leela spoke "Nice try, Leela," Vyolet replied "but we've all seen Zapp Brannigan's webpage." Bender laughs and Leela looks sad. Bender's chip beeps and he groans. "Oh... I made myself feel bad." He said. "She'll do!" Raoul spoke, picking up Derpy. "Chain her to the post!" "AHH!!! HELP!!!" Derpy screamed "Get your hands off me you damn, dirty mutants!!! I'll kill you all with the power of toilet cleaning products!!!" Derpy was wrapped around with chains all around a pole She stood under a shaft of light and faced a long, wide sewer pipe. "Behold!" Raoul announced "When El Chupanibre comes for the virgin, he will be snared by this rope trap~" "Shh." Dwayne shushed "El Chupanibre comes soon. It is nightfall." "Nightfall? How can you tell down here?" Leela asked on the side. Splashing noises echoed around the village. "The tide is coming in." "Disgusting!!!" Derpy yelled. Vyolet lies with her ear to the water. "Quiet! The beast approaches." She said. Loud bangs came from the pipe as El Chupanibre got closer. The mutants, Leela, Fry and Bender scarper. They dive behind some boxes with Dwayne joining them. Raoul runs into a building and draws the curtains across him. El Chupanibre's shadow appears and Derpy gasped. "Sexy stallion!!!" she yelled "Where are you at!? I know it'll make you look like a pedophile, but I can't die a virgin!!!" She screamed and struggled as the shadow approached, but got smaller. It turned out to be Nibbler. "...Oh." "Nibbler!" Bender exclaimed "Aw, come here, precious!" He picks up Nibbler. "Look, everyone, it's El Chupanibre!" "That's not El Chupanibre." Dwayne spoke "Say what?" "That's El Chupanibre." He points to a huge green monster standing in the pipe looking down on Bender. It has fangs and yellow, bloodshot eyes. Bender looks round, screams, drops Nibbler and runs away. "I'll take care of this!" Fry spoke. He stepped into the rope trap and screams as it lifts him off the ground and leaves him dangling overhead. El Chupanibre gets closer to Nibbler. Leela screams, making Bender scream. "Bender, do something!" Leela yelled "I'm too scared!" Bender replied "SOMEONE!!! HELP!!!" Derpy yelled, but remembered "Mom! Your scaredness is being transmitted straight to Bender. If you care about Nibbler, stop caring about him!" "I can't!" She replied "I love every living creature." "Even me?" Fry asked "As a friend." "Damn." "Bender!?" Derpy asked as Leela began to cry again. "Wait a minute... Mom! Pretend El Chupanibre is Zapp!!!" This got her mom to stop crying and look at El Chupanibre differently. Immediately, she imagined the monster as the sleazebag himself, Zapp Branigan. "Ooh! Rage!" Bender replied angrily. "Alright! Time to kick some monster ass!!!" The two charge at El Chupanibre, screaming their heads off. Derpy flinched as she saw both her mom and uncle beat the crap outta El Chupanibre! Deep in her mind, she wished she brought her camera along, record this, and post it online, then perhaps edit it with very fitting metal. Eventually, they both threw El Chupanibre into the toilet, with one of Bender's detached arms flushing it. Everyone cheered "Let's have a tissue-tape parade!" Raoul suggested "No, thanks!" Derpy replied. Dwayne released Derpy and another mutant cuts Fry down. He fell into the water and splutters. Leela and Nibbler run to each other. Nibbler jumped into her arms and licks her. Dwayne sits on the toilet with his guitar. "Gather round, children," He announced "let's hear the legend of these freaks." He strums the guitar. "♫They came from above with a-♫" A string snaps and he sighs. "It's gonna be many a year before someone flushes another guitar string." Back in the Planet Express Meeting Room, Fry, Leela and Bender are back and everyone is with them. "That was a disgusting story!" Farnworth exclaimed "And it's all thanks to Derpy." Leela replied, ruffling her mane "I love you, Derpy! That was so therapeutic!" "I love you too, mom." She replied with her own hug. She turned to Farnsworth. "Get that stupid chip out of Bender before he tries to kiss me." Farnsworth prises the chip off with a screwdriver and looks at it. "Bender, you won't believe this, but the empathy chip burned out." He observed "The emotion you felt for Nibbler was actually your own." Derpy gasped. "Looks like Bender learned an important lesson about respecting other people's feelings afterall." Fry replied. Everyone else nods and murmurs in agreement. "No, I'm wrong. The empathy chip was running at triple capacity." Derpy groaned. "And I still barely felt anything." Bender announced "Goodnight, losers!" He walks out. "You know, Bender may not have learned anything from me, but I think I actually learned something from Derpy." Leela spoke, standing up and headed for the door. "So long, jerkwads!" "So long!" Farnsworth replied. "And I'm gonna find myself a stallion!" Derpy replied, walking out, having an extra 'oomf' in her step while shaking her tail as she grabs her tranquilizer gun and chloroform spray... Meanwhile; a strange Stallion in a stranger blue box feels a chill go down his spine... Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me Brannigan, Begin AgainIn the Planet Express Ship, Fry and Bender played a hologram chess. All the pieces are different species, including an Omicronian, a Trisolian, a Blob, a Amphibiosan and a Decapodian. Derpy watched the two play and placed a bet that Bender would win. "Hmm.. Horsey to pointy guy six." Fry announced. His knight, a horse, charged at the bishop. The bishop batters it to the ground with his crook. The horse pulls out a dagger, stabs the bishop and kicks him off the game board. Fry chuckles and reclines in his seat. "Check." "Hmm... Get him, boys!" Bender announced. Fry screamed as Bender's pieces leap off the board and knock him to the floor and beat him up. "Good move." "And you just lost twenty bucks." Derpy said, taking cash out of Fry's wallet Back in the Planet Express Lounge room. Fry and Derpy laid on the couch next to Bender, and Leela leaned against the wall reading the latest issue of 'Cosmopolitan'. The door opens. and Farnsworth entered with Hermes carrying a large package "Good news, everyone!" Farnsworth announced "We have a mission to further the noble cause of intergalactic peace." "Nope. Watching cartoons." Bender replied "Sorry." Fry added. "I hate the opening." Derpy said, flapping her wings. Leela tips the two off the couch. "What's the mission?" She asked "It's a delivery for the Democratic Order Of Planets." Farnsworth replied, pointing at the label on the package that says "DOOP". Fry looks at it. "DOOP? What's that?" He asked "It's similar to the United Nations from your time, Fry." "Uh..." "Or like the Federation from your Star Trek program." Hermes said "Oh!" "You watch Star Trek?" Derpy asked to Fry "Hell yeah! I know all there is about it!" "Including the J.J.Abrams movies?" "...Haven't seen them yet. "Enough!" Farnsworth interrupted the two "Tonight is the ribbon-cutting for the DOOP's new headquarters." "What are we delivering?" Leela asked "Something without which no ribbon-cutting ceremony could proceed: The ceremonial oversized scissors." He took a giant pair of scissors out of the box and Leela takes it from him. "We'll get them there as quickly as we can." "Alright, but don't run with them." "...So which of the prime colors did you prefer?" Derpy asked they made their way to the ship. The ship landed in the ultra-modern new DOOP space station, located in the Neutral Zone. They walk into the huge reception area; All around the room, various aliens are around, gathered and talking about whatever political stuff they were doing, but it was breathtaking to Fry and Derpy. "Wow! There's a million aliens!" Fry exclaimed "I've never seen anything so mind-blowing. Ooh, a reception table with muffins!" "MUFFINS!!!" Derpy yelled, flying and catching up to Fry, both enjoying the muffins. Bue, Derpy looked around, seeing him again: The Stallion. He sat in a corner table with the Machine next to him, and his twin. As Fry was distracted by a really tall & muscular woman, she headed to him. The clone took notice of her. "Oh! Hello, Derpy!" The clone introduced himself. "Care to take a seat with us?" "Uh... sure." She replied, taking her chair. "...Why are you here?" "Fun." The Doctor simply answered. "...What's fun about some diplomatic meeting?" "Oh, seeing the new species and learning about their cultures... that, and everyone's living in peace together." "...I don't think the Space Lizards and Insectoids will get along very well." His clone replied "Oh hush! It's difficult to control your instincts, but they'll get along! Just like how I taught you how to think straight!" "What!?" Derpy asked "Oh, sorry... he wasn't like this when he first came, but, he's doing so much better." "I still hate having to lift things with my hooves." The clone replied "Not even sure how I can carry things with these!" "...So what are you really doing here?" Derpy asked "Like I said, just having fun." The Stallion replied "I'll try to not get involved too much, but, I think your family's meeting a particular Captain. Derpy turned to see her family near Zapp Branigan. "Oh Celestia no!!!" She flapped her wings and flew to them. "...She just said 'Celestia'." The clone spoke. "Patience... she'll find out soon enough." The Stallion replied. Derpy arrived too late and was arrested for 'attempted assassination' on the yarn people, with everyone on the Nimbus. Zapp paced around. "What makes a man turn neutral?" He monologued "Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?" "Or the fact that they don't want to get involved with anything violent?" Derpy mummbled. "Um, sir," Kif pointed at the reception area on the viewscreen "you're supposed to be cutting the ribbon right now." "No matter!" Zap exclaimed "I'll simply cut it from here with the ship's laser." He presses a button and a console came out of the floor. Outside the ship, a huge laser appears from a hatch. "Sir, I don't think that's wise." "Ki~f, if there's one thing I don't need it's your 'I-don't-think-that's-wise' attitude." He grabbed a handle on the console and moves it through Stun, Kill and Hyperdeath. He presses the "Fire" button and shoots a laser beam towards the space station. Through a live monitor, recording the ceremony, the laser cuts the ribbon and everyone applauds. The laser carries and cuts a huge stone statue of Glab in half. Everyone gasps. The laser carries on cutting and everyone stands gobsmacked. The station starts rumbling and explodes! The reception area breaks off and hurtles off into space with everyone still screaming. Both Zapp and Kiff stared, Zapp with a surprised look while Kiff groaned. "...Donald Trump?" Derpy asked, turning to the head of the the ruiner of Scottish lands "You're FIRED!!!" He yelled The following day in the Former DOOP Headquarters, a ran down building in Weehauken, New Jersey, the DOOP representatives are gathered for Zapp's trial, which Glab presides over. She banged her gavel. "Zapp Brannigan," She began "you stand accused of blowing up DOOP headquarters. How do you plead?" "Absolutely 99% not guilty." He answered "Then the prosecutor will call his first witness." The prosecutor is a giant, blue chicken with tiny glasses perched on his beak. He stands up and spoke with a strong Southern American accent. "Your Honor, I'm just a simple Hyper-Chicken from a backwoods asteroid but if it please the court I reckon I'll call the entire jury." Everyone gasps and murmurs. Derpy, however, munched on some popcorn. "I'm going to allow this." Glab spoke. "This gon' be good!" Derpy said with excitement "Members of the jury..." The chicken spoke, pecking the floor for a bit "did y'all happen to catch a gander at who blew up that there DOOP headquarters?" They point at Zapp and repeat 'it's him' "And are y'all gonna vote to convict him?" They all agreed. Glab bangs her gavel. "The jury is instructed to disregard its own testimony." She spoke "Your Honor, the prosecution rests." He clucks and covers his face with his wing. "The evidence against Zapp Brannigan is strong. However, in light of his years of service, and the incompetence of this hillbilly prosecutor, I'm afraid I must dismiss all charges." The crowd murmurs. Derpy spat out her popcorn. "WHAT!?!?!?" She yelled "Dismiss all charges!?" Leela added "Your Honor, I know the case is closed and you've rendered your verdict, but I wanna testify!" "I'm going to allow this." Glab spoke. Leela sat in the witness box. "Now, Miss Leela," The Hyper-Chicken spoke "on the date in question, were you or were you not wearing a hoop skirt? "That's a stupid question." Leela replied "What matters is Zapp Brannigan is the sorriest captain I've ever seen, and I saw the idiot blow up DOOP headquarters with my own eye." The crowd gasps. Zapp stood up. "I'd like to cross-examine the witness." He spoke "I'm going to allow this." Glab replied. "Is she gonna allow everything?" Derpy asked, sipping on some apple-juice. Zapp paced past Leela. "We've met before have we not?" He asked "Yes." Leela answered reluctantly "And on that occasion, did you have sex with someone? May I remind you you are still under oath." Leela sighed "Yes." "Please point out the person in this courtroom you had sex with." Leela points at him. Before Fry could hoot, Derpy placed a gun to the back of his head. "And his name is?" "Zapp Brannigan." "The very same Zapp Brannigan who did not blow up DOOP headquarters. I rest my case." Derpy placed the gun away and flew up. "I'd like to testify!" She announced. "I won't allow this." Glab replied. "YOU SON OF A-!!!" Bender held Derpy down as she struggled to go up. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you may begin your deliberations." The jury files out through one door and returns immediately through another. One of the small Glurmos, most likely suffering from Amnesia, is the foreman. "Your Honour, we have reached a verdict." He spoke "We find the defendant ... guilty." Leela and Derpy hooted loudly! "Zapp Brannigan, you are hereby stripped of your rank as captain and dismissed from the DOOP." Glab gave the punishment Zapp cries as he turns and walks towards the door. Derpy recorded this moment, laughing hard at the misery of the idiotic captain. He stops before he reaches it and turns to the court. "I'd like to make one final statement." He spoke "Kif, c'mere and hold up the flag." Kif groans, but Derpy stops him. "Wait! You're innocent!" She turned to Zapp "Do it yourself, you lazy bastard!" The crowed 'oohed' at her. "Ugh! Fine then... how do you do this?" He attempted to wave the flag and attempted to look masculine... but failed. "Eh, screw it." He stood back in the middle "My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honor. Plus it was mostly-" A vase fell and dropped on his head. Derpy whistled 'innocently' as she walked away. A week had passed since Brannigan's discharge, and the news was great for everyone! The best came that Kiff, Zapp's second in command, was now the lead captain, and though he was nervous, the Planet Express crew was there to back him up, especially Derpy, who was probably the closest thing to a friend. But, that's for another time. Back in the Planet Express Hangar, Fry, Derpy, and Bender washed the ship, though Derpy sang about brushing teeth as she cleaned. "Hey, Bender?" Fry asked "Yeah?" Bender replied. Fry squirts him with the hose and he giggles, throwing his sponge at Fry, who ducks. The sponge flies over his head and hits Leela in the face. "Alright, this is the third hose fight I've broken up today and the second one using actual hoses." FLeela growled "Now move your lazy asses and start scrubbing the ship like I ordered you to! Derpy's done more than the two of you combined!" "Really?" Derpy asked "It felt like seconds." "You don't have to get so mad, Leela." Fry replied "Yeah, Fry already wiped off some of the dirt with his finger." Bender pointed at a doodle Fry made of Leela and a speech bubble with 'Yak Yak Yak' in it. Leela growled. The doorbell rings and she went to answer, though Derpy followed. At the entrance, Leela opens the door to a down-and-out Zapp "Zapp!?" Derpy and Leela gasped "Leela, I didn't know where else to turn." Zapp replied "You're the only woman who ever loved me!" "I never loved you." Leela retorted "I meant physically." "What do you want?" Derpy pulled out and cocked a gun. "Just let me work for a little food. Perhaps I could paint a fence, or service you sexually, or mop the floors." "You don't know how to do any of those things." "Kif might." "He's doing much better than you!" Derpy snapped, slamming the door. "...Was that necessary?" Leela asked "With an idiot like him, yes." "Aww... you're so adorable like that." She took Derpy in her arms. "Come on! Let's mock Zapp even more!" "Ooh! I've got tons of crap we can throw at him!" "Literal or junk?" "...MOSTLY junk." Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me The packaged pony.In deep, dark abyss of space, a lone meteor fell from the sky and was heading toward Earth. Said meteor was going at an unimaginable speed, as chunks of it fell off as it fell towards New-New York. Were it any bigger, say... a couple of miles bigger, then the citizens of earth would most likely try to stop it... and if it failed, they'd evacuate to another planet. The meteor lost most of it's mass, leaving it be a bit bigger than a bowling ball by a few inches in diameter, as it crashed onto the front porch of a red building with on it, spelled into it's metal bars on the catwalk above & just above it's door with the logo of a spaceship, reading 'Planet Express'. It steamed from entering the earth's orbit, leaving a small crater right in front of the door. Out from one of it's small hole, a robot hand hand on an arm extended right out, stretching out and pressing onto the building's doorbell. A loud 'Ding-Dong' was heard, and the robotic arm came right back inside the meteor. The meteor cracked in half, revealing a package was inside the whole time with a letter on it. The front door opened, and a really old professor with blue slippers came out really slowly. "What's this?" he asked himself, adjusting his glasses. He leaned down and picked up the package, though his backed cracked as he did it. "Ooph! I should've had Fry or that robot to do this." he walked back inside the building, carrying the package. Inside the building, right past the kitchen & break room, was a huge spaceship sharing with a meeting room that had a circled table & chairs for everyone. All sitting around the table, clock-work, was: a human male with orange hair wearing a white t-shirt under a red jacket with cargo pants; a robot smoking a cigar that was smooth all over & had a door built into it's chest for storing things; a woman a purple pony-tail wearing only a white tank-top with black pants... and is a cyclops; a Jamaican human male with glasses, green pants & jacket over a yellow-white vest and plump compared to everyone; a lobster-esque alien (called a Decapodian) wearing a doctor's outfit & sandals; an Asian woman that was much younger than everyone with black hair and wore a pink hoodie with matching yoga pants; and finally, a middle aged man with a bushy gray mustache in janitor clothes with a brown hat. The professor entered through the main door, holding the package. "Good news, everyone!!!" He announced as he placed the package on the table "We just received a package." "Who's it for?" The human in red asked. The professor took the not off and looked at it. "Hm... I can't read this! It's in scribbles!" "Allow me, professor." The robot said, getting up & blowing out a puff of smoke. "You humans can't read anything unlike us robots!" "Very well. Give it a go, Bender." The robot took the letter and looked through it. "Ah crap! This is either a different language or someone has horrible handwriting!" "Maybe it's from my homeworld?" the Decapodian suggested. "Shut up, Zoidberg! Read!" Bender tossed the letter to the Decapodian and sat back in his seat, pulling a beer out of his chest and chugging it. Zoidberg looked at the letter. "It's not mine." "Maybe I should-" the pink wearing woman spoke "Let's not take turns trying to reading this!" The professor interrupted. He turned to the janitor. "You! What's your face!" "I'm Scruffy," he replied, sounding bored "the janitor." "Whatever! Go outside and fix that porch! We can't have those midgets sue us for having a crater in our front porch." Scruffy got up and made his way out, though really slow and lazily. "...You said this package came from a meteor?" The cyclops asked "...Uh wha-!? Oh! It did. Though I'm not sure what is has inside of it." "Well," the Jamaican spoke, standing right up. "as this place's bureaucratic officer, I suggest that we-" the box moved on it's own. Everyone froze. "Did the box just moved?" The man in red asked. Again, the box moved on it's own, and everyone jumped. The box began to move around violently, as if it were alive "¡El diablo!" Bender yelled "¡El diablo!" "Wait! Look!" The cyclops pointed out. The box moved onto one of it's sides, and the top opened. Rolling out was a small creature covered by a small blanket with small muffins printed all over it. The Muffin patterned blanket came off, as the said creature was revealed: it was a small, grey looking horse thing with a blonde mane & tail, wings on it's side, and it's eyes were really big looking, though it's pupils weren't straight as one looked up & the other looked down. Everyone gasped at the sight of this creature, but said horse thing sat on it's rump, smiled, and looked around in total bliss. "What is that!?" The Bureaucrat asked The professor hastily pulled out a scanner and examined the creature at it began to chase after it's own tail. "Hm... according this scanner," the professor answered "it is an entirely new species!" "A new species!?" The cyclops asked "Why yes! This creature may be a subspecies to a horse, and, by the looks of it's wings, it's loosely related to the Greek Mythology of a Pegasus." "So the pegasus is real!?" The man in red asked "And I thought there was no God!" "No, Fry! I'm not exactly sure, but there may be a chance that this species once came to earth as some sort of messenger for something greater... but what?" "Well whatever it is," Bender spoke, turning around and waling into the break room. "I'm gonna get us the seal clubs!" "Bender!" The woman in pink yelled "How can you say that to something so cute!" "Look at it's eyes, Amy! That thing is stupid! More stupid than Fry!" He walked right out "Yeah!" Fry agreed. He froze, then blinked, realizing what Bender said. "Hey!" The pegasus' ears flattened and she looked down, sniffling a bit. "Look at what you did!" The cyclops exclaimed "You made her cry!" "Her!?" Zoidberg asked "How can you tell it's a woman!? That thing tells us it's a boy!" "That's her tail, idiot!" She looked down at the pegasus and carefully grabbed her. The pegasus froze and was soon held like a baby in the cyclops's arms. She stared into cyclops's eye and gave a curious look. "It's alright; Ma-Ma Leela's here for you." She began to use her index finger and rubbed the pegasus's tummy. "Gootchy Goo! Gootchy goo!" The Pegasus let out a happy squeal. "Aw... that's so adorable!" The woman in pink exclaimed, walking next to Leela. She looked down at the pegasus, smiling. "She needs a name, though." "...You're right, Amy. This little gal needs a name!" The door reopened, and Bender came in with a club. "Alright!" he announced "Hand me the Derpy one with hooves!" "BENDER!!!" The women yelled in unison. The pegasus's ears flicked and she turned herself around, looking at Bender with a smile. "It already has a name?" The bureaucrat asked "And it's... Derpy?" The pegasus gasped with a smile, turning toward the bureaucrat." "You're onto something, Hermes!" Zoidberg exclaimed "Shut up!" Bender yelled "Hand over the hooves!" Derpy turned back to Bender with a smile. "...I got it!" Fry spoke with a snap. "It's Hooves Derpy!" 'Hooves Derpy' turned to Fry, but not smiling, instead with disinterested look that said 'that's not it, idiot'. "You idiot!" The professor yelled "It's Derpy Hooves!" Derpy let out a squeaking noise as she smiled. Bender snagged Derpy out of Leela's arm and set her on the table. He held his club up in the air and prepared to swing at her! "HI-YA!!!" Leela yelled as she kicked Bender to the floor, making him drop his seal club. Derpy giggled hard as Bender got up, only to be meet with Leela's fist to his face. She picked up Derpy and held her like a cat. "You do not hurt Derpy at all, got it!?" "...Yes ma'am." Bender replied weakly before falling back to the floor. "Ugh... I think I got whiplash." Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me The series has landed!It was a wonderful morning for the two, though their hairs say otherwise. Both Leela and Derpy got ready for the day with Leela taking her shower & Derpy taking a morning bath (despite whining she took one last night). While it was true Leela only had to put on clothing, and Derpy herself should be in school, but Derpy was too young to start & the professor may Fire Leela for not arriving on what was technically her first day at work. (Yesterday was a 'meet your coworkers' thing). Though unsure on how Derpy would be alone in the house, Leela decided to take the pegasus back to work with her; perhaps everyone's change their opinions about her. After arriving in Planet express, both saw that only Fry, Bender, and the professor were there. "Oh look!" Bender pointed "It's the freaky eyed one again." "Shut up!" Leela replied "Do you want me to kick your ass again!" "As long as you don't literally bite it." "So how was the little gal?" Fry asked. "...We had the best sleep of our lives, didn't we?" Leela asked Derpy. "Uh-huh!" Derpy replied with a nod. Leela went to Fry's right ear. "She called me 'Ma-Ma'" "Really!?" Fry asked in surprise. "Of course she did. Why do you ask?" "Well... she's actually cute." "You actually think she's cute?" "Yeah, I do! And watch this!" Fry carefully took Derpy away from Leela. Derpy waived her front hooves towards Leela in an attempt to free herself from Fry. Fry began to scratch behind Derpy's ear, causing the pegasus to gasp, but slowly calm down and enjoy Fry's touch. "What did you do?" "It's something I used to do to dogs & cats before, and I wanted to see if it works on her." "...Looks like you succeeded." "Hey! Watch this!" Fry turned around and did something to Derpy and Leela couldn't see. After a few moments, Fry turned around, showing Derpy having his hair style. "Eh!? She's like a tiny form of me!" "That can't see if they're an idiot." Bender replied, followed by his laughing. Derpy woke up and looked at a mirror, seeing her new mane-style. She let out an annoyed grumble and, using her front hooves, made her mane back to normal. "I guess she's not a fan of it." Leela commented. "Eh, it was fun and cute." Fry replied, extending his arms and allowing Derpy to go back to Leela. "Enough cuteness!" The professor yelled "Take your seats in the meeting room and shut up!" The three grumbled to themselves and took their seat in the hologram/meeting room. Leela placed Derpy back on the table, though sitting nex to them was Bender, who gave Derpy a death-like-glare. "As new employees, I'd like your new opinion on our new commercial! I paid it to have it aired on the super bowl!" "Wow!" Fry exclaimed "Not on the same channel, of course." The commercial played on the screen. While everyone was silent, Derpy was giggling at 'Not-Evans' being eaten by the blob, the giant bird abducting the deliveryman, Evans being eaten by the same blob, and the giant bird carrying the same deliveryman. "Are there really giant birds like that?" "No, no. That was all just special effects. Now let's all have breakfast! I hope everyone likes eggs." Derpy followed the professor into the kitchen, where one of the giant eggs hatched, revealing a newly born giant bird. She then laughed hard when said bird took the Professor's head in it's beak, making the professor scream and hitting it with the egg beater in his hand. With the help from Leela, Bender, and Fry, the professor was saved from becoming bird feed, though said bird was put inside a cage and was named Pazuzu. Scruffy moved the bird away to the Professor's laboratory to be experimented on, though breakfast from the professor was cancelled, but this didn't stop either Fry nor Derpy from having their breakfast. For fry, it was Admiral Crunch cereal with milk, caffeinated bacon & baconated grapefruit while Derpy had herself a blueberry muffin. "I'm never gonna get used to the future." Fry commented to himself "Caffeinated bacon, baconated grapefruit, Admiral Crunch!" "If you don't like that," Leela replied, pulling another box of cereal out "try some Archduke Chocula." Derpy to Fry, swallowing her muffin in her mouth. "Muffin?" Derpy insisted "Thanks, but no thanks." Fry replied, rustling Derpy's mane. The door opened and Hermes came in with another package, this one about as tall as an average human. "'Ey everybody!" He announced to everyone "Someone came and dropped this package for us last night. Now which one of you is the captain?" "Oh my!" The professor exclaimed "I haven't picked a new captain yet! It's always so hard to choose." "Ma-Ma!" Derpy exclaimed "Pick Ma-Ma!" "Oh, why should I do that?" Derpy pointed at Fry. "New." She pointed at Bender "Meanie." Pointed at Leela "Good." "Hm... very well! Leela! You're the new captain!" "Aw!" Fry and Bender whined. Derpy waited in the science room with Bender, Leela, Amy, and the professor as Fry was getting a physical exam from Zoidberg. Amy was carrying Derpy around in her arms, scratching behind the pegasus's ears and relaxing her as the professor took Bender's head off , shaking it & as trash dropped from inside. "Dear Lord, Bender!" The professor exclaimed "You're filthy!" "Yeah, like you don't have crap in your neck!" Bender replied as the professor placed his head on the table. "Amy, why don't you give his body a going over with the clean up pick?" "Alright," Amy replied, placing Derpy on the table next to Bender's head. "You have fun with bender." Derpy turned to Bender, who gave her the same death glare. "What are you looking at?" Derpy slapped Bender's head and made him fall to the floor! "...Ow!" Derpy laughed at what she did. The door opened and Fry came in. "Well," he said "The Doc says I'm as healthy as a crab. Can I go into space now?" "As soon as Bender's clean" The professor replied, picking up Bender's head and wiping it with a rag "But as I recall, you youngsters have a package to deliver." "Finally! Come on Bender, let's mosey!" Fry took Bender's head from the professor and tossed it to his body. Bender's body didn't catch his head, causing it to fall on the floor and roll around for a bit. Derpy laughed hard again, tearing up a bit at the sight yet again. "Nice going, idiot!" Bender yelled at himself. Both Fry and Derpy were excited to be heading for the moon; Fry was because he's always dreamed of heading to the moon when he was young and Derpy was just because it was a new place she's never been to before. Derpy sat on Leela's lap, watching out of the window as their ship was ready to blast into orbit. "Can I do the countdown?" Fry asked. "Huh? Oh sure, knock yourself out." Leela replied. In less than a few seconds, they were at the moon's atmosphere. "10, 9-" "Okay, We're here." "8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1blastoff." Derpy, Bender, and Amy all laughed at Fry not watching as they made it to the moon in less than 10 seconds. Their ship flew into the hole of a dome, followed by them landing on the surface inside. "Hurry up! I wanna see the moon!" "Relax, it's open until 9." Leela looked down, seeing Derpy balancing on her hind legs as she leaned on the ship's steering wheel & moved it around, mimicking spaceship noises as any child would. "D'aw, look at that," Amy said, watching Derpy "She thinks she's a space captain like you." "Well I call mutiny!" Bender yelled, finishing his beer and belching out fire. "Bender!" Leela yelled "Let her have her fun!" "Pew! Pew! Pew!" Derpy made the sound of lasers. "Hey Derpy," Amy spoke, leaning to the pegasus "Wanna see something fun?" Derpy turned to Amy with a surprised look, and jumped into Amy's open arms. Amy lifted Derpy, and Derpy gasped, seeing a whole amusement park! "Fun!" Derpy yelled "Fun!" The door reopened, and Fry came back inside. "You're not gonna believe this!" Fry yelled, about as hyper as a child would "They landed an amusement park on the moon!" "Guh! It's the happiest place orbiting the earth." "Well let's go already!" "Fun!" Derpy yelled. "Fry," Leela spoke, trying her best to stay patient. "we have a crate to deliver." "Well let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it." Fry offered. "That's too much work!" Bender replied "Let's burn it and SAY we dumped it in the sewer!" "Okay, if everyone's finished being stupid-" Leela spoke "I had more, but you can go ahead." Fry interrupted "We'll deliver that crate like professionals and then we'll head home." "But I've never been to the moon before!" Fry turned around and took Derpy from Amy "And neither has she! Are you really not going to let her have fun on the moon until who knows how long?" "Fun!" Derpy repeated herself. "...Ugh... alright." Leela sighed in defeat "We'll deliver that crate like professionals and then we'll... get on every ride we can, just for Derpy." The four cheered together. "Finally! She's useful for something!" Bender exclaimed "Shut up!" Both of the women spoke in unison. Fry, Amy, and Derpy were left in charge to deliver the crate to park as Bender and Leela waited in the super long line for tickets. "Clear?" Amy asked "Clear!" Fry replied "Ready to hoist?" "Ready!" "Uh-Huh!" Derpy jumped up to the controls, stopping Amy from clicking the button that'd bring the magnet down. She pointed up as the magnet was, if clicked on, would fall and hit Amy in the head. She made some 'ZZZ' noises, as if to simulate the buzz of electricity and the magnet would bring the keys Leela left with Amy into their package. "Oh... thanks, Derpy!" Amy replied, rustling her mane. "I really owe you one! Want some Ice cream?" "Ice Cweam!?" Derpy replied, her tail wagging like a dog's. "Yeah, I guess that'll do." Looking up, Amy moved the magnet over to their package, clicking on the button and getting the package onto the lift. Derpy walked in between Amy & Fry, feeling a bit nervous at the looks she received from the public, but safe with Leela's coworkers. Fry lead the way as he moved their package to the receiving depot. "This is it!" Fry spoke, turning back and looking at Derpy "My first space delivery and your delivery ever!" "Uh-Huh!" Derpy agreed with a nod. They entered to see a big guy lazily relaxing & leaning on his chair with his feet on the desk "Uh, greetings moon man! We come in peace! I am Fry from the planet Earth." "Wise Guy, huh?" The man replied in a Dutch Brooklyn accent "If I wasn't so lazy, I'd punch you in the stomach." "But you are lazy, right?" "Ah Don't get me started." "Wazy man." Derpy commented as she turned around and left, seeing Leela & Bender near the front of the line. They ran out and headed to the entrance. "... If I's wasn't dead, than I's sures is with this new accent." The crew made it in the park, and it was just as fun as Amy, Leela, and Bender remembered it (at least after he jammed it his empty beer bottle into the 'eye' of Crater Face, Luna Park's Mascot). For Derpy, it was such a fun experience everywhere she went, and as for Fry... it was different from what he expected. Both Fry and Derpy were with each other for the majority of the time, as Derpy laid on top of Fry's head and Fry looked around a souvenir stall. Fry bought a magnet that read 'What part of MOON don't you understand?' for Derpy. "Think I should buy more for everyone else?" Fry asked "Uh-Huh!" Derpy nodded. "Well alright! Five more, please!" As he bought the magnets, Derpy heard what they spoke on the other side. "Ugh, who buys this trash?" Leela asked "Idiots who buy gifts for other idiots." Bender answered. Fry walked around the corner. "Hey!" Fry spoke happily "I got you guys refrigerator magnets!" Fry placed a magnet on Bender's head; a buzz was heard on Bender as his eyes 'pupils' grew in size. "Get it off!" Bender yelled "Get it off! Get it- uh oh!" Bender began to dance as he sang a country song "♫How many road must a man walk down before you AOOO!!!♫" Fry ran up and took the magnet off Bender's head. Derpy began to laugh even harder, tearing up as she laughed as Bender took deep breaths. "Keep those things off of me!!! Magnets screw up my inhibition unit!" "So you flip out and act like some crazy folk singer?" "Yes... I guess a robot would have to be crazy enough to want to become a folk singer." As Bender turned to look at the Artificial lighting above, Derpy snicked as she threw her magnet at Bender, having it land on his ass. Bender turned to see the magnet and Deroy giggling to herself. "YOU LITTLE BAS- ♫I love you, You love me, we're a happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Won't you say you love me too?♫" "I wove you now." Derpy replied with a giggle. "I guess he sings differently depending on who places a magnet on him." Leela observed. In a ride called 'Whalers of the Sea of Tranquility' everyone sat on a boat with water around them. All around them there were robots connected to rails, each looking like human whalers. Derpy bopped her head as the robots sang. "♫We're whalers of the moon! We carry our harpoons! But there ain't no whales so we tell tall tales and sing our whaling tune!♫" This was repeated for the whole ride, even worse for Bender as he remembered being in high school with another robot singing the tune. They all sat down to watch a show called 'Goophy Gopher Revue', something that they'd normally pass, but was insisted by Derpy. Two robotic gophers (a wide one with another wearing glasses & a graduation hat) came out of some obvious fake craters. "Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock?" The wide gopher asked "Because," the other answered "it's a little... meteor!" Multiple gophers came out and laughed at the joke. "This is weak!" Fry commented. Derpy stood on her hind legs and gave a proper slap across Fry's face. "Address all complaints to the monsento corporation." Though having a red cylander was on Fry's face, everyone else enjoyed their day, getting a hold and enjoying their Orlon Candy (which was really gray colored Cotton Candy). While everyone was happy, Fry wasn't. "What's wrong, Fry?" Leela asked "It is because Derpy enjoyed that show more than you?" "...I don't know," Fry replied "This place is great and all, but it's so... artificial. The Gravity, the air, the gophers, you might as well stay on earth." He stopped and turned to his right. "That's what I wanted to see!" He ran to his right, looking out to the rest of the moon "I want to go jump around like an astronaut! Screw this phony stuff!" Derpy gasped and was readying her front leg again for a slap, only to be stopped by Amy's ear massage. "But the Phony stuff is what's fun; it's boring out there!" "Yeah!" Bender agreed "You're the type of guy who visits Jerusalem and doesn't want to check out the sexateria!" "Sex-a-what?" Derpy asked "You'll learn soon." Amy replied "Hm... maybe I should take Fry to the Lunar Rover Ride." Leela insisted "You get to wear a spacesuit and get to drive around on the surface. And the line's short because it's educational!" "I don't care how educational it is!" Fry replied with eagerness "Let's do it!" "Fine, but let me get Derpy along; she needs some sort of education." Fry, Leela, and Derpy were in space suits as well as riding around on a rover. Though Fry & Leela were in human shaped suits sharing the same oxygen tank, Derpy had to be put in a small, space dog suit with it's own oxygen tank and only her tail was sticking out freely. "Finally!" Fry exclaimed, holding onto the steering wheel. "Get ready for some serious moon action!" Their Rover moved ahead into a pressure room. "The story of Lunar exploration began with one man," an announcer spoke through the Rover's radio. The doors opened, revealing a black & white scene with two animatronics; one as a large man in a police uniform and the other as a regular house wife. "A man with a dream." "One of these days, Alice," the male animatronic spoke "Bam! Zoom! Straight to the moon!" "Wow!" Leela exclaimed "I never realized that the first astronauts were that fat." "That's not an astronaut!" Fry replied angrily "It's a T.V. comedian! He was just using space as a metaphor for beating his wife." Derpy's head rose as her ears perked up, turning to Fry with a look of fear. "Look at what you did! Oh, come here, Derpy, Fry shouldn't have said that." Leela picked up Derpy and began to caress her tail. "Hey, it was the 50's." They continued on to an obvious fake, cardborad cutout of the Lunar landing with craters and backdrops of the moon's surface, despite the real surface right behind it. "No one knows where or when or how man first landed on the moon." The announcer continued. "I do!" "But our Fun-geneers think it might's have happened something like this!" More of the whalers came out, but now accompanied with the gophers, singing the 'Whalers of the Moon' song again. Leela and Derpy sang along with the tune, though Derpy's was a bit more gibberish. "That's not how it happened!" Both Leela and Derpy turned to Fry with an impatient look. "Oh, really?" Leela asked "I don't see you with a Fun-geneering Degree." "Ugh! This is stupid! I'm taking this thing out to the REAL moon!" "Fry, No! This is my first mission and I don't want us to get into any trouble. Besides, it's on a track." Fry snickered to himself as he took one of the whaler's harpoons. "Not for long!" He chucked the harpoon, making it land in front of them. Their Rover rode up on the harpoon, but turned to the right and began driving ahead, giving Fry full control of the rover! They ran over one of the whalers. "Sowwy!" Derpy said to the whaler as they drove off. "I love what I do!" The whaler replied. "Okay, we're on the moon," Leela said impatiently "you're on the surface. Now I'll give you ten minutes, then you'll get bored, turn around, and apologize for being such a jerk! Agreed?" "Agreed!" Fry replied, not listening to what Leela said. Fry drove the Rover wildly, laughing maniacally. Despite Derpy's best effort to not join Fry, she cheered as they drove. "WHEE!!!" "Yeah! Crank up the radio!" Derpy pressed on the button. Whaler music. Fry turned off the radio. "Never mind." Derpy rode on the hood of the Rover and, though no wind passed her mane as in the tube transport systems, it was still fun to see craters pass by them. "Time's up." Leela spoke "Make a U-Turn at the next crater." "No! Not yet!" Fry replied "How about we go looking for the original moon landing site!?" "Adventuwe!!!" Derpy yelled "That's crazy!" Leela yelled "It's been missing for centuries!" "Well I'm feeling lucky!" Fry replied with a smug. Their car flipped over a boulder and fell into a large crater. When they landed, they began to sink into the crater. "Uh... I'm ready to go back now." "Really!?" "Well... WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!! IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!!!" He jumped out of the rover and fell a few inches deeper. "Help me, Leela and Derpy!!!" Leela grunted to herself, picking up their oxygen tank. Derpy grabbed onto Leela's leg, and the cyclops turned the valve on the oxygen tank, making them fly and free themselves from the Moon's quick sand. They landed safely on the moon's surface. "You did it! We're safe!!!" "No." Leela replied, turning to show their Oxygen was near empty "Now we're going to die! "IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!!!" Fry turned to run away, but fell from his own Oxygen line. Derpy looked at her oxygen tank, seeing it was still full. "Full!" She simply said. Leela looked down at Derpy. "Derpy! You're a lifesaver!" Leela exclaimed. The pegasus blushed from her comment. Leela pulled a line from Derpy's tank and connected it to their own tank, allowing all three to breath in space. "How long do we have?" Fry asked "Hm... about three hours. We have to get to the park as quick as possible!" About half an hour later, the three stumbled upon a farm on the moon's surface. Together, they ran into the barn, taking their helmets off and breathing in the fresh air... with the scent of dung. A coking sound was heard, and they turned, screaming as a human farmer was there, holding a shotgun to their face. Derpy hid right behind Fry & Leela's legs. "Trespasser's, eh!?" The farmer asked, still aiming at them. "No, sir!" Fry replied "We're amusement park patrons!" The farmer lowered his shotgun. "Ooh! That's a wicked, simple place! Tilt-a-world's okay, but the rest is mighty wicked!" "Please, our car broke down and we're nearly out of oxygen." Leela explained "Can we borrow some?" "Borrow!? Listen here city girl, Oxygen don't grow on trees! Y'er gonna have to earn it doin' chores on ma farm. Ye can go back to your park at sunup." "Really? There are no exceptions?" "Yep! No exceptions!" "Not even for her?" Leela picked up Derpy and held her to the farmer. "What the-!?" "P.U.!" Derpy yelled, covering her muzzle with her hooves "He's smewwy!" The farmer gave a curious look. "Well the... why didn't ya'll tell me ye were both married and had a strange alien daughter!?" "D-Daughter!?" Fry stammered "But we're not-" Leela shoved her elbow into Fry's gut. "Yep! That's us!" Leela spoke, acting like a wife "She's Derpy and she's our adopted daughter!" "...Yeah! That's our little girl, honey." "Aw! She's a cutie!" The farmer commented. "Ya'll can have that rover right over there and drive to wherever the park is at." "You don't know the directions?" "Hell nah! I don't visit wicked places!" They looked at each other and shrugged, following the strange farmer to his rover decorated with a confederate flag on it. "Okay, now that's racist!" "What you say about my sense of patriotism!?!?!?" The door to the barn, and a funny looking, triangular yellow robot with a single blue eye on a single wheel with twig like arms & three fingers came out, waving it's arms around. "RUN!!!" it yelled "The Kraggons are here!!!" "Kwaggons?" Derpy asked. The house exploded as a huge, dragon looking monster made of stone & dripping came out, letting out a roar! "HOLY CRAP!!!" Leela yelled. "More like HOLY S**T!!!" The robot yelled, censoring the last word as he jumped onto the back. "Let's get outta here!!!" Fry, Leela, and Derpy jumped into the Rover, Leela taking the wheel while Fry held onto Derpy. They drove away as the Farmer fired at the Kragon! "What the hell's a Kragon!?" Fry asked "I have no idea!" Leela Replied "What's a Kragon, robot, and who the hell are you!?" "Oh! Allow me to introduce myself!" The robot spoke "I am a CR4P-TP unit, but you can call me 'Craptrap'!" "Alright... Craptrap... What's a Kragon and how do we deal with it!?" "A Kragon is creature made of pure rock that can breath in zero oxygen area and are usually around Petedora's moon, Lepis! The best way to get rid of a Kragon is to shoot it until it dies! And must I say, what an adorable creature you have with you! My cute sensors are going off the charts and I predict she's going to be as adorable when she's older and gets her own foal!" "...What!?" Derpy yelled in confusion. Loud roars were heard along with the ground shaking, as the Kragon exploded and smaller Kragons came out, continuing the chase right behind them. "Oh yeah; When Kragons die, there's a chance that they'll explode into smaller Kragons that make up their lack of strength physically with strength in numbers." "Then what do we do!?" Fry asked "Hold on! I'm going to send an SOS for someone to pick us up! Hopefully, one of my old high school buddies will come along and pick us up in a few hours, or in a few days, months, even years! GAP!!!" "Hold on to your helmets!" Leela ordered. Derpy held onto her helmet as they jumped over the gap that had aliigators, each in their own space helmet. They landed, though the wheel on the back left deflated. The pack of Kragons stopped and growled at them, turning around to find another way around. "We made it!!!" Craptrap yelled. "Cool!" Fry yelled "The Dark side of the Moon!" "Don't you mean the Dark side of Uranus?" "Nightfall's coming!" Leela exclaimed. The darkness laid over Fry, making him shiver upon impact. "Come on! Before we all freeze!" "Like Walt Disney!!!" Craptrapp yelled, following them. Fry held onto Derpy again as both Fry & Leela hopped to get away from the dark side of the moon. "We can't outrun it forever!" "...Over there!" Fry pointed "Look: It's the Moon Landing Sight! We found it!" They hopped over to the moon landing sight, Leela climbing up the ladder to the ship used to land in & opening it's door. Fry held onto Derpy as he looked around in awe. "Quick! Get in!" "Look, Derpy! It's the flag from MTV! And Neil Armstrong's footprint!" He stomped on the footprint. "Hey! My foot's bigger! Isn't this the greatest thing you've ever seen, guys!?" "Fry, look around: it's just a crummy plastic flag and a dead man's track in the dust!" Fry's happiness went away as he stared into the open, hearing Leela's words going through him. "Now get inside before you and Derpy freeze!" Fry sighed to himself, waling to the landing device, holding Derpy up for Leela first before entering himself. They closed the door behind them, shutting Craptrap behind them "A LADDER!?" Craptrap yelled in surprise "NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Well... if it doesn't hurt, I'll signal for help for us! Hopefully, some mercenaries will pick us up, or Hoperion will. And... oh man, I'm so lonely. See ya soon." Inside, Leela placed their oxygen container in the middle as they sat near the controls. "Well if the oxygen holds," Leela spoke negatively "we might live long enough to starve to death. Derpy, close your eyes & cover your ears as we eat." "Uh-Huh!" Derpy replied, oblivious at what Leela meant. "...Leela... I'm sorry." Fry apologized. "I never should've dragged you both out here." "That's right! You shouldn't have! I still don't get what the big 'attraction' is." Fry sighed "I never told anyone this, but a thousand years ago, I used to look up at the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just didn't have the grades... or the physical endurance... plus I threw up a lot and no one likes spending a week with me." "A week would be a little much." Derpy nodded. "The moon was like this awesome, romantic, mysterious thing hanging up there in the sky where you'd never reach it, no matter how much you wanted to." Both Leela and Derpy looked at each other in silence, both feeling a bit guilty. "But you're right; once you're actually here, it's just a big, dull rock. I guess I just wanted both of you to see it through my eyes... the way I used to." Both Derpy and Leela looked at Fry, seeing the reflection of earth on his helmet. Derpy walked to the window and looked out of it. "Look." She simply said. Both Fry and Leela looked outside. "It's pwetty." "...It sure is." Leela replied, smiling and taking Derpy back to sit on her lap. Out in the distance, Craptrap ran for his life as Kragons came and chased after him. "The Kragons!" He yelled "They're here! I shouldn't have showed them my new mixtape!!!" Up above, the planet express ship came flying in, and inside, piloting the ship, was Bender! "It's Bender!" Fry yelled "We're saved!" "But how!?" Leela asked "He doesn't know how to fly a ship, does he?" "I uploaded pilot controls to him!" Craptrap yelled, still running for his life. The magnet Fry & Amy used to get the package came down & hovered over Craptrap "Oh no! Not the Magnet! NOT THE MAGNET!!! NOO!!!" It attached to him "Uh oh!" Craptrap began to dance and sing a famous song, making Fry & Leela groan and cover their ears, though Derpy sang along and danced with Craptrap as their shuttle was taken away. Dear Diary, My Name is Derpy, and today was my first day delivering packages & visiting the moon at the same time! Ma-Ma's dumb friend, Fry, took us away from the park, but we meet a funny robot that sings pretty funny music and dances pretty good. He and the meanie, Bender, were actually friends from High School as both were partiers. Bender says he didn't mean to save us, as his friend was small, but I think, perhaps, under that metal skin and his attitude, he has a heart of Gold. His friend is staying with him for a few days, but I want to take lessons from him on dancing. Until Next Time, Derpy Hooves. P.S. Bender, if you're reading this, I meant as in you are actually nice, not having a literal heart of gold. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me When Aliens attackIn Planet Express's Lounge room, Fry, Bender, and Derpy laid back on the couch. Fry held a can of Slurm, Bender, a can of beer, and Derpy, with, yet, another muffin. The door opened and Hermes entered "What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost!?" He exclaimed "Get to work, you lazy boat bag!" He rolls up some paper he held and hit Bender's head with it. Fry chuckled, but Hermes hits him. Derpy chuckled, putting on Bender as protection. "Ow! Hey, quit it, Hermes." Fry said "It's Labor Day." "Labor Day!? That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?" "That's the one." "Hot damn, a day off!" He took off his jacket & shirt sits with the three. Bender hands him a beer. The rest of the staff walk in wearing & carrying various things; Zoidberg wore an old-fashioned green striped swimsuit & a lobster rubber ring around his waist; Amy wore a pink bikini and carries a fold-up chair; Leela wore a green swimsuit and carried a picnic bag; Farnsworth carried a red parasol and wore 3/4-length shorts, though he still wears his lab coat and slippers "Who's up for one last summer beach trip?" Leela asked. Bender and Hermes leap up. "Aw, yeah!" Bender cheered "Ready, Freddy!" Hermes added, unzipping his trousers, revealing he was wearing swimming trunks underneath. "Whoo! Sexy Lifeguards!" Derpy added, pulling out both sunscreen and sunglasses. "Eh, I think I'll just stay here." Fry said, enthusiastically "Fry," Leela scold "you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get out and see the real world." She walks between him and the TV., but Fry peers around her. "But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world!" "...Can't argue with that." Derpy said. Leela sighsed "Everyone's too polite to say anything, but you're covered with bed sores." She said. "Not covered!" Fry retorted "Just get in the car." Leela drove the crew across the desert in a dark blue convertible. With her in the front are Farnsworth, Derpy, and Fry, who took off his red jacket and swapped it for red shorts. Amy, Hermes and Zoidberg sit in the back while Bender laid across the three of them. They arrived at the Beach. Leela parked in the packed car park and the crew gotout.] "Ah, here we are: Monument Beach!" Farnsworth said. Derpy and Fry gazed at the beach; People climbed the Great Sphinx of Giza alongside it is St. Peter's Tower, the White House, Randy's Donuts, many Moai of Easter Island, the Leaning Tower of Pisa and Mount Rushmore.] "Wait, Mount Rushmore and the Leaning Tower of Pisa?" Fry asked "I didn't know they were both in New York!" "What about the small ones from Las Vegas?" Derpy asked. Leela unpacked some things from trunk "They are now." She replied to Fry "In the 2600's, New Yorkers elected a super-villain governor, and he stole most of the world's monuments." "Truly a great man." Bender added "Look at him up there." He points up at the super-villain and whistles. The governor's head has been carved into the mountain next to the other presidents' heads. Derpy then pulled out some blueprints herself and wrote something down. "Steal...stolen...monuments." On the Beach, Leela lies on a sunbed and picks up a tube of Tanning Butter from the arm. She squeezes some onto her legs and hums as she rubs it in. Zoidberg, meanwhile, picks up a chunk of real butter and rubs it across his head and groans. Hermes walks across in front of Zoidberg, Amy and Leela with a metal detector. It beeps rapidly. "Aha!" He exclaimed, putting the metal detector down and dug in the sand. "Found you!" Bender's head pops up from the sand. "OK, now you go hide." He said. Hermes puts the trowel down and hands Bender the metal detector and runs off. Bender throws the metal detector away and chuckles. "Nice knowin' you." He runs to a sunbed, picks up a drink and closes his eyes. Derpy opened his chest and looked around. "Did we win?" She asked "Yep." "YAY!!!" Farnsworth and Zoidberg 'battled' Amy and Leela in a beach volleyball game, with Derpy recording the action. Amy passed the ball to Leela and she hits it over the net. It hits Farnsworth on the head and knocks him over with a groan. The ball lands on Zoidberg's claw and bursts. He frowns and throws it into a pile of at least 20 other burst balls. Farnsworth stands up. "Come on, Zoidberg!" Farnsworth yelled "I passed it right to you." Zoidberg scoffs. "I've had it with this game!" He said "I'm going for a scuttle!" He crouches down and scuttles into the water. "...I guess the ladies win!" Derpy announced. Leela is back on her sunbed, Derpy resting on her head, as Bender is on his. "OK, everyone, come and get it!" Bender announced. He opens his door; it was a grill and there are a couple of cooked burgers on a wire rack. He takes one out and puts it in a bun and hands it to Fry. Fry takes a bite. "Ah, just like my dad used to make," Fry said "until McDonald's fired him." "Bite my red-hot glowing ass." Bender replied. Smoke rose from behind him. "Wait a minute. Red-hot glowing ass?" He turns around and sees his red-hot glowing ass. He turns back to Fry. "I'll be right back!" He stood up and ran into the sea, waving his arms around. "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" His ass sizzles in the cool water. "Aw, yeah!" Amy, Leela, Derpy, and Fry ate their burgers while Farnsworth sleeps. Nibbler watches, licking his lips. Amy's burger slips out of the roll and onto her chest. Nibbler leaps up. "No, Nibbler!" Exclaimed. Nibbler runs off with the burger and her bikini top. She gasps and covers herself with the burger buns. Derpy, however, noticed, whistled and had a nosebleed. "nice..." She said as Amy blushed in embarrassment and whispered to the professor. "Psst, Professor, I need another bikini." Farnsworth woke up. "Eh ... wha?" He mumbled before seeing her. "Oh, oh, OK, I think there's one can left." He reached into a bag next to him to look for a can of spray-on bikini... "Oh, dear. Sorry Amy, I think Bender, Derpy and Zoidberg used the last one...." "I'm sexy and I know it!" Shouts Zoidberg in a bikini as everyone on beach vomits or claws out their eyes. "Professional eye rippers! 500$" Shouts Bender as people eagerly ran up to pay to get their eyes ripped out. "An extra 500 for anyone who needs a whack to the head to knock the memories out!" Shouts Depry as she lightly smacks a bat to her hoof meaningfully, this was the best scheme she and her Uncle Bender had ever come up with! "Well, what am I supposed to do!? I didn't bring any spare clothes!" Hissed Amy desperate. "Just pretend your a cheap, French harlot. You already look the part anyway, so why not?." "French?" Asked Amy offended. She irritably sits down to think of what to do- SQUISH! So looks down to see she'd sat on yet another burger, it's juices smeared all over her bottoms...and she notices Nibbler nearby and licking his lips. "Don't you dare!" Hissed Amy as she tried to keep her bottoms away from nibbler- CHOMP! Turns out he was hungry for 'diffrent' buns. Amy quickly swinging her rear away from him, had brought the buns she was covering her chest in range of Nibbler Which he'd quickly eaten- FWOOM! But also swung her bikini bottoms in range of the grill, setting them on fire. She screamed and ran practically naked into the ocean. "...So... hot." Mumbled Derpy happily. Meanwhile, Fry finished sculpting a sandcastle. A blonde guy stands over him and kicks the sandcastle in his face. Leela gasped and Fry spat the sand out. The guy turned to Leela. "Say, doll-face," The bully said " how'd you like to make time with a real man?" "No. I'm not attracted to bullies." Leela said "No matter how big and... handsome they are." "It's OK, Leela," Fry said "go ahead. I got a lot of work to do." "Uh, sir, you don't understand." The bully spoke "I'm a professional beach bully. I pretend to steal your girl, you punch me, I go down, she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks." "50 bucks!? Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her." "Fry!" Leela spoke "Although I suppose we could go for a walk along the beach." "Uh, no thanks, ma'am, I'm actually gay." The bully spoke, running off. Leela only sighs. Derpy flew after him. "Wait! Let me feel your sexy abs!" She yelled Fry finishes reconstructing his sandcastle. "Voila!" Fry spoke "The greatest sandcastle ever built. This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in, if he were a fiddler crab." Leela and Farnsworth gather round, followed by Derpy, who had a dreamy look on her face. "It's very nice." Leela said "We should get a picture before the tide comes in." "Yeah... like what I did." Derpy said, pulling out a picture of herself touching that bully's abs. Amy, Zoidberg and Bender arrive. "Anyone have a camera?" Fry asked "Right here, buddy." Bender said. His left eyelid covers his left eye and his right eye zooms out. The rest of the staff kneel next to the castle. "Wait, I wanna be in the picture too." He takes his head off and puts it on the ground. He pushes his antenna down and it flashes like a timer. His body joins the staff. "Pretend you're happy." Everyone smiled... though, it faded when a huge shadow creeps over them. The camera goes off as the crew look up and see a huge, grey, alien saucer flying low overhead. The center of it starts to open up. Everyone watches as it stops above the White House. The middle opens up and it blows up the White House. Everyone screams. "Oh, my God!" Leela screamed "Eh, we have another one." Derpy shrugged. Hermes pokes his head up through the sand. "What in Babylon?" People flee as a fleet of saucers reduce the monuments to rubble and knock over the Leaning Tower of Pisa. A smaller saucer flies past the staff and destroys Fry's sandcastle. Fry falls to his knees and scoops up the sand. "Nooo!" Seeing her chance, Amy ran out of the water hopping everyone would be busy not dying to notice her naked flesh- Suddenly, severls saucers pop out giant novelty cameras and point it at her. INVASION CALLED TEMPORARILY ON ACCOUNT OF NAKED CHICK! Indeed, everything seemed to stop as everyone gawked at Amy. Mortified, she runs into the car with the rest of the crew... OKAY, SHOWS OVER! INVASION BACK ON! The crew return to New New York with alien saucers chasing them! They ran inside the building as a saucer blew up their car. everyone ran inside so fast, they locked the door before Amy could get in, she hides behind a trash can hoping no one will see her...oh, and also hoping she won't die. That was an issue too of course... Fry peeped through the blinds and turns to the others. "We're all gonna die, aren't we?" He asked. "Oh, I should think so." admitted Farnsworth. "I'm too young and cute to die!!!" Derpy screamed "Although, last time aliens invaded, all they did was force the most intelligent of us to pair off and mate continuously. Oh, yes!" Farnsworth happily sprays his throat. Bender turned on the TV to the news. Linda presents with a smile. "Once again, today's winning lotto number was 4." She said to the camera "In other news, alien saucers continue to rain destruction upon Earth. We now go live to an emergency address by Earth President McNeal." A picture in the corner fills the screen. McNeal, a middle-aged man with brown hair and a croaky voice, addresses people from different nations. "Ladies and gentlemen," McNeal spoke "our course is clear. The time has come to knuckle under. To get down on all fours and really lick boot. Give our alien masters whatever they want a-- The TV cuts to static briefly then changes to a Omicronian wearing a big, red cape, and is surrounded by several other Omicronians. He spoke into an old-fashioned microphone. "People of Earth," The caped one spoke "I am Lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8." He taps the mic and turns to his aides. "Is this thing on?" He blows into it and turns back to the camera. "Now then: We want the one you call "McNeal". Give us McNeal or we will lay waste to your cities with our anti-monument laser. We demand McNeal!" The picture cuts out then back to a totally flabbergasted McNeal. "Uh, as I was saying... mankind would sooner perish than kowtow to outrageous alien demands for this McNeal ... whoever he is. Am I right?" The representatives murmur to each other. "And now, the man who will lead us in our proud struggle for freedom, fresh from his bloody triumph over the pacifists of the Gandhi Nebula, 25-star General Zapp Brannigan!" He steps aside and Zapp takes the podium. The people cheer and applaud. Fry applauded while Derpy and Leela groaned "Hey, look, Leela," Bender pointed "it's that idiotic windbag you slept with." "SHUT UP!!!" Derpy shouted "Call me cocky," Zapp spoke "but if there's an alien out there I can't kill, I haven't met him and killed him yet. But I can't go it alone. That's why I'm ordering every available ship to report for duty. Anyone without a ship should secure a weapon and fire wildly into the air." Leela stood up. "Well, you heard the windbag:" She said "We've been drafted. Everyone into the ship." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on." Bender retorted "I refuse to fight. I'm a conscientious objector." "A what?" Fry and Derpy asked "You know, a coward." "Since this is an emergency," Zapp continued "all robots will now have their patriotism circuits activated." He held up a remote control, points it at the camera and presses the button. Bender's antenna top flashes red and beeps and he stands up. "It is every robot's duty to give his life for the good of humanity." His antenna stops flashing. "Oh, crap!" The crew stood in the Nimbus Hangar Bay. The ships are moored and Zapp gives the assembled recruits a briefing. He walks down the ranks with Kif at his side. "We're all from different cultures here." Zapp spoke "Some of you are white, some of you are black." He stops by a man and points at him. "You're brown." He moves on to Bender. "And you're silver." He then points at Derpy. "And you're... I don't know." She stuck her tongue out at him, blowing a raspberry. "But I don't care if your skin's red or tan or Chinese. You're all going to have to learn to die together." He looks back at Bender. "Am I right, soldier?" "Well, actually, I-" Bender began, but Zapp presses the remote again and Bender's antenna flashes and beeps. "Sir, yes, sir! Sir!" "Remember, our mission is simple: Destroy all aliens!" Kif raises his hand. "Um, uh, not me, sir." He spoke "Oh, yes, right. Nobody destroy Kif.... Unless you have to." He sees Leela. "Oh, ho, ho! The luscious Captain Leela." He rubbed his hands. "This is turning into one very sex-ay struggle for the future of the human race!" "Thanks, but I'm not technically human." She replied with annoyance "Right, right. Nobody destroy Leela either." "And my daughter." "Ok, I get it... someone send it to the glue factory." Derpy leapt and bit onto Zapp's face. He screamed, albeit, muffled, and ran around blindly. In the Nimbus Briefing Room, The recruits are dressed in DOOP uniforms and Zapp briefs them. He points at a display of an Omicronian saucer. "The alien mothership is in orbit here." He spoke "If we can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate." Kif sighs and turns to a computer. "Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. On my command, all ships will line up and file directly into the alien death cannons, clogging them with wreckage." Fry raises his hand. "W-Wouldn't it make more sense to send the robots in first a--" He spoke, but Bender starts to choke him. His antenna flashes again and he stops choking Fry and salutes. "Sir, I volunteer for a suicide mission!" Bender spoke. His antenna stops flashing and he bangs his head with his knuckles. "Aw, cut it out!" "You're a brave robot, son." Zapp spoke again "But when I'm in command every mission's a suicide mission. Which reminds me." He walks over to where Leela is sitting and puts his foot on the seat next to her. She folds her arms and isn't impressed. "Leela, perhaps before we head into battle you'd like to make love to me, in case one of us doesn't come back." "Maybe we should wait till afterwards, in case neither of us comes back." She said, annoyed "Here's hoping." He salutes by tapping his heart, saluting from his head and blowing a kiss. Derpy pulled out a Baseball bat and knocked him out with it. Leela rustled her mane. "That's my girl." The fleet flies around the moon and headed towards the Omicronian mothership Fry manned the controls and wears a helmet. "I'm gonna be a science-fiction hero, just like Uhura, or Captain Janeway, or Xena!" He spoke "Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life." She spoke "Can't you tell the difference?" "Sure, I just like TV better." He makes gunfire noises. "...What about reality TV?" Derpy asked. Everyone went silent. "...Oh." The fleet attacks. Lasers flew around. The Omicronians fire back on the fleet and blows up two ships flanking the Planet Express ship. It peels away, narrowly avoiding another laser beam. Leela wrestled with the controls as alarms beep and smoke pours from the ceiling. She brushes the hair out of her eye and looks across the room. "Bender, damage report!" She ordered "The auxiliary power's out," Bender replied "and they spilled my cocktail!" "Alright, scumwads." Fry spoke "This one's for Bender's cocktail!" The Planet Express ship flies straight towards the saucer and Fry fires 12 blasts from the laser. Leela turned the ship away and the Omicronian saucer creaks, groans, and finally, explodes in a spectacular fireball, complete with an obligatory flying tire. "We did it! We won!" Derpy cheered "Yeah, but it'll never bring back my martini." Bender replied sadly, then went back to normal as he opened his chest cabinet. "Well, who wants a martini?" He takes a cocktail mixer out and shakes it. Fry, Leela and Bender chink their glasses and raise a toast, though Derpy had herself a can of soda. The communication screen comes down from the ceiling, showing Zapp with a black eye "Good work, everyone. The mothership is destroyed." He said Through the window they see several white dots filling the starfield. The dots form a circular shape outside and it flips over, revealing it to be another Omicronian saucer that is so huge it dwarfs the Nimbus. "What the hell is that thing!? "It appears to be the mothership." Kif answered "Then what did we just blow up?" "...The Hubble Telescope. The battle continues. The real mothership destroys more ships "This is hopeless!" Leela yelled. She ran to the pilot's seat and sat down. "If we're gonna get blown to bits, we might as well do it in the comfort of our own home." She pulled a lever on the seat. The ship jerks to a stop and reverses back towards Earth. In the Planet Express Lounge, Farnsworth talked to a woman, a man and a robot who bear a striking resemblance to Leela, Fry and Bender. "You'll be the captain," Farnsworth spoke to the three "you'll be the delivery boy, and you'll be the alcoholic, foul-mouthed-" The door behind him opens and the real crew walk in. "Oh, God, you're alive! I mean, thank God you're alive!" He turns back to the others. "Sorry, check back in three days, a week at the most." They leave and Lrrr crackles onto the TV. "We want McNeal! Stop stalling!" The scene changes to the news studio with Linda. "And now, a rebuttal from President McNeal." McNeal addresses the same people as before. Zapp is back with them. "The people of Earth remain united in my refusal to hand over myself. Total annihilation is a small price to pay compared with-" Zapp steps forward and puts a sack over McNeal. As he drags him away the people applaud and a man kicks the sack. "That's probably the only smart thing he's done." Derpy commented. Outside Capitol Building, An Omicronian saucer is parked at the back of the building and there is a door at ground level. Zapp puts the sack down, knocks and runs a few feet back. "Here he is! Come and get him!" The door slides up, revealing Lrrr and a female looking Omicronian. McNeal wriggles out of the sack and gasps. "You are not McNeal." Lrrr soke "Huh!?" Both the president and Zapp asked "You are not the one we want." The female acknowledged "Oh, thank you!" McNeal groveled "Thank you, glorious masters! I-" Lrrr whips out a laser and vaporizes McNeal. He crumbles into a pile of smoking dust. Zapp squeals and takes a step back. "Give us McNeal!" He shouted "That was McNeal." Zapp said "No, McNeal," The female retorted "the single female lawyer." "She wears miniskirts and is promiscuous." Lrrr added "Really?" Zapp asked, sexually while rubbing his chin. "Miniskirts? That sounds familiar." Fry thought aloud "Surely you know McNeal." Lrrr continued "She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world." "Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent." Zapp replied "Silence! We will accept no more decoys." He holds up a headshot of the single female lawyer. "This is the McNeal." "Wait, I know her!" Fry spoke "You do not, you big fat liar." Leela replied "You don't know anyone. All you do is watch TV." "That's where I know her from. She's Jenny McNeal. She was a character on a TV show back in the 20th century, Single Female Lawyer." "Well if they're hoping to see a TV show that hasn't existed for a thousand years, pft, they are royally boned." Bender said. "We will raise your planet's temperature by one million degrees a day," Lrrr spoke "for five days, unless we see McNeal at 9pm tomorrow -- 8 central!" The staff gasp. "I'm beginning to think there'll be no forced mating at all." Farnsworth said in disappointment. Lrrr's ship saucer hovered above New New York. In the Meeting Room, The entire staff are assembled around the table, though Leela paces around. "They're going to destroy the entire Earth if they don't see some stupid TV show about some bimbo lawyer!?" Leela asked "It's crazy!" Fry added "How could they even know about a show from a thousand years ago?" "Well, Omicron Persei 8 is about a thousand light years away." Farnsworth answered "So the electro-magnetic waves would just recently have gotten there. You see- "Magic. Got it." Interrupts a bored Fry. Leela types 'single female lawyer' into a search engine and a page pops up. "Check this out:" She said "Back in 1999 the season finale of Single Female Lawyer was interrupted by technical problems. Apparently some zidiot spilled Coke on the transmitter." "Beer-- I would think." Derpy gave him a stern look. "Did you have something to do with it?" she asked. "Uh..." Derpy punches him in the nads "They must just wanna see that episode." Bender said as he steals Fry's wallet while he's on the ground. "Let's find a tape and give it to 'em." Leela searches some more. "There aren't any copies left." She said. "Not even Netflix?" Derpy asked. More typing. "Lost." "Hulu?" "Nope." "Amazon Fire!?" "... Come in next month." "DAMMIT!!!" "Y'know, I saw the first 30 seconds of that episode." Fry said "If I could make up an ending, maybe we could act it out ourselves." "I could make the costumes." Zoidberg spoke, cutting some material with his claw. "I have an old five-megawatt broadcasting tower in the attic." Farnsworth spoke "And I, I could be an acting coach!" Bender added with an accent. whizzing his hand around. "Let's put on a show!" Fry spoke. "Followed by an unnecessary sequel or spin-off series?" Derpy asked, holding out some papers. The ship was been moved to make way for a courtroom set. Hermes and Farnsworth make some last-minute perfections to the set, Bender arranges things on the defendant's table and Zoidberg wheels a rail loaded with frilly clothes past Fry, Leela, Derpy, and Amy. Fry sits on a chair with the script. "OK, Leela," Fry began "you'll be starring as Jenny-" "Uh-uh, forget it!" She interrupted "A, I'm camera shy; and B, I get tongue tied in front of an audience armed with death rays." "Plus, you don't really have the thighs for a miniskirt." Amy- having finally gotten inside and found a tarp to cover her nudity -added. Leela glared and looked about to say something- "I'll take it!" Derpy spoke, snatching it from Fry. Seeing her chance taken away, Leela instead gets another idea...and makes a quick change to the script while no one's looking... "Places, everyone!" Fry spoke as Bender puts the finishing touches to Derpy's make-up. She is dressed in a green suit and high heels. "OK ... all set!" She said. Derpy held a mirror. "...I feel so professional!" She said. She turned and wheeled out the heads of the backstreet boys. "Ready guys!?" "To live, yes." the leader spoke. "Lights!" Fry spoke. Bender opens his chest cabinet and a bright studio light shines from it. "Camera one!" Bender's right eye extends and whirrs. "Camera two!" Bender's left eye extends and whirrs. "Camera three!" Something whirrs in Bender's head but nothing- above his chest - moves. He held up some crudely written cue cards. "♫ Single Female Lawyer, Fighting for her client, Wearing sexy miniskirts, And being self-reliant.♫ Hey, I'm pretty good!" Farnsworth is the judge, Zoidberg is the prosecutor and Derpy is the defendant. Farnsworth and Derpy held their scripts. "Uh... Jenny McNeal," Farnsworth read. "you are charged with jury-tampering in last week's case ... on account of your hot, naked affair with the foreman....please present exhibit A?" He reads that las bit confused Leela suddenly pushes out a naked Amy in front of the camera, yanking off her cover. "HEY!" Shouts Amy mortified as she's now naked on LIVE TV, with the words 'Exhibit A' somehow tattooed on her shapely rear. Uh...I guees Amy is the foreman? Ah, who cares I love this!" Shouts the profesor happily as he resumes reading the script. "How do you plead?" Derpy wipes off the nosebleed, stood up and looks at her script. "Your Honor, I move for a mistrial, on the grounds that I'm also having a hot, naked affair with the foreman of this jury." Amy and Hermes sit in the jury box with ten cardboard people. Hermes waves. "I'll see you during the recess! This is so wrong, on so many levels..." He said sexually but uncomfortable. "Your witness, Prosecutor Ramirez." Farnsworth spoke "Gracias." Zoidberg replied. He stood up with his script behind him and walks over to the witness box where Derpy sat. "Single Female Lawyer, where were you on the night of August 23rd?" "Sleeping with you." Derpy replied, though now disgusted "Aha!" He jabs his claw in her mane and pulls out a muffin. He sniffs it and eats it. Derpy leafs through the script in a panic. "Uh, g-- uh, getting back to the, uh, matter, uh-uh, if it please the court... Fry, there's nothing else here. You only wrote two pages of dialogue." "Well, it took an hour to write." He replied "I thought it would take an hour to read." "What are we supposed to do now?" " I don't know, I don't know. Just say anything. As long as it's compelling, mesmerising, a tour de force." "Uh..." "What say you, Single Female Lawyer?" Farnsworth read "I say ... I'm giving up the law." She stood up "I'm now a professional dancer!" Everyone gasped. The sprinkler system went off, soaking everyone, and music played. She lip synced and danced to the music playing and sung by the Backstreet boys. Lrrr cuts onto the TV, he now has a black eye and has his wife glaring at him while drinking from a water cooler behind him. "Attention, McNeal. We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen. Overall- he hesitantly looks at his wife who taps a rolling pin in her hands threateningly, he sighs and continues - I would rate it a C+, OK, not great. As a result, we will not destroy your planet. But neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality." "Way to overact, Zoidberg!" Derpy yelled His wife hands Lrr a note which he reluctantly reads. "Also we just want you to know that the 'C+' rating was DEFINITELY because of the 'random naked chick', had you not included that sexist and offensive thing. We must assuredly would've ranked you higher. Be sure to remember that in the future! His wife smiles and nods at him. "Lousy woman, always keeping the porn-hungry man down." Grumbled Bender. "HEAR-HEAR!" Exclaims Derpy, equally annoyed. And now we must return to our planet, to catch the end of a thousand-year-old Leno monologue." He sweeps his cape over him and runs offscreen. The Omicronian saucers fly away and people come out from hiding. The crew watch and cheer. "You did it, Fry!" Bender cheered "Yep." Fry replied, turning on the TV and sitting down on the couch, putting his feet up on the table. "It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: At the end of the episode, everything's always right back to normal." Derpy rested next to him, calling on a cellphone. "Well, I just got a deal for a new show on Netflix!" She announced. "I guess we'll binge watch until then." Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
Another OrphanEveryone stood around in the laboratory, watching the Professor doing some minor experiments on Derpy. These said experiments were normal doctor things from checking her blood pressure, taking a single strand of her mane for DNA purposes, checking inside her ears, listening to her heart, and having her eyes track the light of a small flashlight. Bender, for his part, was busy fixing himself after what Leela did to him after he tried to club Derpy. "So how is our little Derpy?" Leela asked. "She's perfectly healthy," the Professor answered, putting his tools away "though I'm not so sure about her eyes." "Why are they crooked like that?" Fry asked "My best guess are two things: When her package crashed here, the impact of said crash might've made her eyes crooked as we see right now. The other guess is a simpler one, but she was just born with crooked eye." "So she has Strabismus?" Zoidberg asked "She does, actually! And how the hell do you know about that!?" "I study humans, remember?" "But Derpy isn't a human." Amy replied "She's not!?" A low growl was heard in the room. "Who let the dogs out!?" The professor asked. Another low growl. Everyone turned to Derpy. Derpy looked down at her belly, poking at it, followed by a low growl. Bender laughed at the sight. "Oh! You're hungry?" He mockingly asked, turning around and bending over. "Well bite my shiny metal ass!!!" Bender laughed at his own joke. Derpy tilted her head, giving a curious look at Bender's ass, shrugged, and bit onto Bender's ass with an adorable 'Nom'. Derpy's teeth bit into Bender's ass, making him stop laughing and scream in pain! He began to run around the area in circles "GETHEROFF-GETHEROFF-GETHEROFF!!! GET THIS STUPID THING OFF!!!" With only a shrug, Hermes extended his leg out and tripped Bender. He caught a hold of Derpy and took her off, despite Derpy's effort on taking a bite from Bender's shiny metal ass. Bender got up and noticed a small puddle of spit on his ass. "Ah crap! My ass in now 5% less shiny!" "That's what you get, mon." Hermes replied. Derpy closed her eyes and stuck her tongue out, blowing a raspberry at him. "WHY YOU-!!!" "Relax, Bender." Fry said, holding his fist from doing any harm. "We're not going see her again." "Not see her again!?" Both Amy and Leela yelled in unison. "Why yes!" The professor replied "I'm about to contact the pound to get Derpy off our mitts. She will be taken care of... I think." "But she's not an animal!" Leela argued, holding Derpy up to the professor. "She's a sapient creature like us that's just a child! I heard her giggle as I punched Bender." "So! Many animals laugh! Just look at hyenas whenever they watch an Adam Sandler movie!" "ECH!!!" Derpy gagged at the mention of Adam Sandler. "See!" Leela announced, pointing at Derpy " She's intelligent enough to hate Adam Sandler!" "Hm... maybe... but can she say anything!?" "Of course she can!" She adjusted Derpy to look at her. "Come on little Derpy! Say 'Ma-Ma'!" Derpy made a weird face, trying to comprehend what Leela just requested. "...Mmmmmuh." Derpy attempted to speak. "That's it! Keep trying!" "Mmmuh." "Come on!" At that moment, Scruffy came back inside, but in his hand was a package filled with muffins. Derpy's eyes & pupils grew in size and sparkled. "MUFFINS!!!" Derpy pushed herself hard, making Leela fall onto her chest, releasing Derpy. The Filly ran to Scruffy and jumped up & down, her wings flapping rapidly with each hop. "Muffins! Muffins! Want muffins!" Scruffy watched Derpy for a few moments, but shrugged and tossed a muffin to Derpy before continuing back to his closet. "YAY!!!" She held onto the muffin and began eating it, letting out her adorable 'nom' sound with each bite. Everyone, including Bender, watched with their mouths wide open as what Derpy just did. "...Well," the professor spoke "I guess you're right on that... but she still needs to go! I think the Orphanarium has room." "What!?" Leela replied "Why!?" "None of us have any money to take care of something besides ourselves! I don't want any pet that'll last longer than me, Fry is new here." "True," Fry replied "and I don't know much about the future." "Bender hates her." "DAMN STRAIGHT!!!" Bender yelled, using a rag to clean his ass. "Hermes doesn't want something that'll ruin his work." "I can't have anything ruin all of my work!" Hermes exclaimed, putting some papers in a file before storing said file into his jacket. "Amy has too many pets." "And I'm with the professor." Amy added. "And Zoidberg may just find her as delicious as that guinea pig I was saving!" "I said I was sorry!" Zoidberg pleaded. "Face it Leela! She has got to go! We don't need children around here!" "Well I do." Hermes simply commented. "Minus Hermes, of course." Leela looked at the crowd telling her they need to give Derpy to someplace better, but she looked down at the filly, who gave her a sad look. Though this filly just arrived, Leela could see two major things in her that they shared: Not having good eyesight and are orphans who may have parents from a different planet lightyears away. Derpy may be a new species from something considered myth, and her eyes gave her an advantage in being adorable, but what's not from saying the other orphaned kids at the Orphanarium ridiculing her for her eyes as she did? Or with people looking at adoption and ignoring her for her eyes? "...If none of you will take her, then I will!!!" Leela announced. Everyone gasped at her revelation. "Leela!" Fry yelled "You're really going to take her in!?" "I have to, Fry! I don't want Derpy to go through the living hell that I went through!" "Well you better get her eyes fixed!" The Professor advised "You don't want her to see double, now do you?" "Professor! I have One eye! I have a lack of depth perception! She has two and can see more than us on our own!" "Other than what's in front of her." Bender commented, followed by his laugh. Leela, still holding Derpy, did a back flip and kicked Bender's head right off. Derpy cheered and giggled as Bender's body began to walk around blindly, trying to find the robot's head. "Oh you think that's funny!? Just wait until I mount your head on the wall!" Leela kicked Bender's head like a soccer ball, making his head hit the wall and fall, landing inside a trashcan perfectly. "Come on! It's getting late and we better get home!" Leela walked out of the room with Derpy in her arms. Derpy stuck her head out and waved towards everyone. "Ba-Ba!" she said before the door closed right behind them. "... I think I just had another heart attack." The Professor spoke. It took a while for Leela and Derpy to get home, and though it was getting dark, Derpy couldn't contain herself as she looked everywhere around New-New York, staring at the buildings and waving while saying her best 'Hello' at nearly everyone that passed by them. (Though, with Derpy, she pronounced 'Hello' as 'Hewwo') A couple of the citizens they passed made Derpy shiver and cover herself in fear, though Leela was there to reassure her that if they attacked them, she'd be able to kick their ass. The most fun experience Derpy had was going through the Tube Transport System; while it's true that everyone in New-New York uses thee everyday and may not find any more joy in them, for Derpy, it was almost as if she were flying over the city, nearly crashing into buildings only to take a steep drop down before going into said crash. Leela couldn't help but smile and giggle at Derpy's experience, though she did wonder if the wings on Derpy would allow her to fly, or they needed time to grow like the owls around the city. Hopefully, they weren't for show. They walked inside the building holding Leela's apartment. Luckily, the people working there are fine with pets (or beat-oid aliens), just as long as they were potty trained and don't cause much noise at night. They approached the apartment door labeled '1I'. "Here we are," Leela announced as she unlocked the door with one open arm. "I know; quite a coincidence to be living in an apartment labeled '1I', right?" Derpy shrugged. Leela giggled at her answer "At least your honest, most would laugh at that." She opened the door to her apartment and they walked inside. Derpy looked around, seeing the apartment looked completely empty with the exception of a couch, a kitchen, and a door that lead to her bedroom. "I know, it's kinda empty, but it's necessary to pay the bills. Come on, the bedroom isn't that bad." The Bedroom was really refreshing from the snow-white room that was Leela's apartment. Luckily, a bathroom was there for Derpy in case she needed to do her business, and Leela was more than willing to teach Derpy how to use the toilet correctly. Leela gave Derpy a bath in the bathroom sink; while Derpy smelt like, well, muffins, it couldn't hurt for the filly to be clean for the night and, luckily, her feathers were like that of a duck's, so perhaps if she couldn't fly, she'd be like a duck and be a good swimmer. Derpy was soon dried off and looked much fluffier than before, it was easily finished as Derpy shook herself off like a dog, reverting back to her normal self. Leela laid Derpy on her bed before going back to the bathroom to clean some of the mess done in there and to switch to her pajamas; a simple two part purple set with a long sleeve top and pants. After Leela climbed into bed with Derpy, the cyclop held onto Derpy and closed her eye, feeling the small, fluffy filly. Derpy, for her part, felt safe in a strange new world filled with excitement, wonder, and danger; She closed her eyes and snuggled under Leela's chin. slowly drifting into sleep. "Ma-ma." Derpy said before sleeping. A single tear fell from Leela's face as she smiled. "Goodnight, Derpy." she replied before going to sleep herself. "Sweet... dreams." For the first time in Leela's life, she wasn't crying from sadness, but was happy that something came into her life and brought something she missed; Innocence. Perhaps tomorrow in the morning, Derpy will change everyone's life as well. EXTRA SCENE!!! It was late at night; Leela was snoring pretty loudly and Derpy woke up at the sound of... singing? The singing voice had a Scottish accent and whoever was singing sounded awful! Derpy got up to try to tell the person to knock it off, but stopped as she realized the singing voice was inside their home. Was it a burglar? It can't be; why would a burglar sing as he or she is stealing something? Could it be a roommate? Can't be; it sounded close. Derpy got out of Leela's grasp and walked along the bed, but stopped as she heard the voice close to Leela's right rump. Curiously, Derpy went under the blankets and, when close to the singing voice coming from Leela's butt, she lowered Leela's pajama pants down a bit, only to stop and give a curious look at what was a very small face with short purple hair and having a double chin with bits of a neck beard. Said small voice stopped singing and gave a curious look right at Derpy. "Oh! Well hello there wee little lad!" The small face greeted itself with the same accent "Came here because of my beautiful singing voice?" Derpy shook her head. "You don't like it?" A nod "Well too bad! One day, I'm going to be free from Leela's ass and I'll become a famous singer! ♪Amazing grace! How can I-♪" Leela snorted, followed by a gasp. The blanket was thrown to the side, blowing cool wind back to Derpy. Leela stared at Derpy for a few moments, and Derpy stared back, followed by a curious look. "Oh crap!" Leela yelled. She got up and ran into the bathroom. Using her own reflection, Leela pulled out an exacto knife and punctured the small face on her right butt cheek, making it scream as it deflated and was ultimately silenced. Derpy let out a sigh of relief as Leela came back and held her as she sat back on her bed. "Sorry about that. That was Susan, my boil." "...Boil?" Derpy asked "Yeah, a singing boil with a Scottish accent. She's been a part of me ever since I can remember, and I have to deal with her every few months. Oh I'm sorry she woke you up like that, and I'm even more sorry if she freaked you out." "Nuh-uh." Derpy shook her head. "Wait... she didn't frighten you?" Derpy covered her mouth with her front hooves, giggling. Leela's eye turned impatient on her. "Oh... I have a singing boil on my ass and it's funny?" "Uh-huh!" Derpy nodded. Leela sighed. "Well... you're young, and I guess it kinda is funny. Just... please... don't tell anyone at work, okay?" Derpy nodded. Leela hugged Derpy again and the filly snuggled with adopted mother. "Come on, let's get to bed without a singing boil waking us up. It's late and we've got a long day ahead." Derpy yawned adorably, making Leela yawn as well. With all lights turned off, Susan deflated, and both back in comfortable positions, both cyclops and pegasus slowly went back to sleep. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
Cuteness intensifies.Though it's only been a week since their delivery on the moon, and Craptrap was still with them, the Planet express crew was busy doing their own thing. Leela and the others were busy doing a delivery, leaving Derpy to be at Amy's apartment, which was at the very top on the Infosphere. Much to Derpy's liking & unliking was, compared to Leela's apartment, the place was much bigger and wasn't plain white, but the place made the pegasus feel inferior and everywhere was either a shade of pink or purple. "How do you like my home?" Amy asked. Derpy swung her legs as she tried to escape. "NUU!!!" She yelled "WANT MA-MA!!!" "Oh, I'm sorry Derpy, but Ma-Ma's busy with work. Relax, I'm sure you're going to enjoy spending time with me." Derpy let out a 'Humph!' as she crossed her forelegs and made an angry face. Amy couldn't help but giggle. "Even when you're angry, you're still a cutie." Amy gave Derpy a short tour of her apartment with the living room, bathroom, kitchen, and her bedroom upstairs. Derpy had a curious look as they went into Amy's bedroom, most notable, her closet. As soon as Amy laid Derpy on her bed, turing to make a phone call to Leela, Derpy got off the bed and explored the closet, seeing many different clothes, dresses, shoes, and socks. For some weird reason, two pairs of red & pink striped socks hypnotized her, making Derpy take them out of the bottom drawer & put them on. The first pair on her forelegs were easy to put on, but the back ones were trickier. Meanwhile, Amy was about to finish her call. "I got it, Leela." Amy replied on her phone "I know she loves muffins... yes, I'll use them as desert... finishing her veggies won't be a problem... I'm not sure she can eat meat... alright, be at bed at around 8... no Bender, I'm not selling her to a pawnshop... alright, bye!" She ung her phone and took a deep breath. "Alright Derpy, how about we-" She looked around her room, seeing Derpy was gone. "Derpy!? Where are you!?" "WHEE!!!" Derpy yelled. She rolled out of the closet and landed on the wall, though she was upside down with her flank & tail in the air. Amy stared for a few moments, then began to giggle. "Aw, look at you! You're so adorable!" Derpy rolled over, balancing on her hind legs while hopping up & down. "I'm Pwetty!" "You're more than pretty! You're absolutely precious!" She gasped and ran away for a few moments, coming back with a camera. "Come on Derpy, smile for the camera!" Derpy smiled as her picture was taken. "Everyone's gonna love this! ...Wait a minute... MAKEOVERS!!!" "...huh?" "Come on, I'm sure that with these pictures, not only will the everyone in planet express think you're adorable, but so will all of New-New York! You'll be a star!" "A...star?" Amy turned on his TV, going to a channel where a music video played, making Derpy excited as Amy got out a bunch of clothes for Derpy to try on. "Hipster glasses!" "Ponytail!" "Nerd!" "Gentleman!" "School girl!" "Safari!" "Offensive Mexican stereotype!" "Famous videogame hero that isn't a soldier!" "A soldier!" "Robot!" "Kitty!" "Best halloween costume!" "Princess!" "Baker!" "Pianist!" "And last, but not least, Mailman!" Derpy took a deep breath, taking off the bag on her back as she fell to her back, really tired. "Why...many...dresses?" She asked. "Huh? All those dresses?" Amy replied "Well... call me crazy, but I kept all my childhood stuff with me after I moved from my family." "...You'we... cwazy... auntie." Derpy fell to the floor and slept. Amy turned to Derpy and picked her up. "D-Did you call me... Auntie?" Derpy let out some small snores, but still spoke a bit. "Auntie... Amy..." Amy couldn't help but smile as she placed Derpy on her bed. "Good Night... little Derpy." Derpy snuggled onto the pillow she was laid on and snored very silently. Though Leela wanted Amy to have Derpy learn some mathematics, the pictures she took should act as an apology to Leela for not doing it and, afterall, Derpy was a bit smarter than the average child, even if she didn't speak a lot of words. To help learn something, Amy pulled out a classic Dr. Seuss book that was ruined by hollywood starring Mike Myers. After reading it, Amy fell asleep herself, lying next to Derpy to sleep herself. Derpy, whether waking up from Amy resting or sleep walking, walked up to the human, walked in a circle, and rested next to Amy's head, blowing some warm air from her muzzle onto Amy's cheeks as both slept the night away with no one around... except after both fell asleep, Craptrap turned visible again, went into Amy's closet for a few moments, then came out with a box full of panties. "Now those Japanese people will be happy with their new stock of panties!" He said to himself, but stopped as was near the edge of the stairs. "Wait? How'd I get up here again?... Aw Screw it!" He rolled over the steps, but soon fell down, letting out multiple 'ows' along the way. "...I'm okay!" Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
I, RoomateIt's already been a month and Craptrap found himself a job with three other humans to find some sort of treasure with another human named Joe. During that time, Craptrap was able to teach Derpy how to dance like a pro to which, not only was it impressive on how Derpy danced despite being a quadruped, but she was adorable doing the dances. Also, during that time, Derpy learned how to speak a lot more fluently, though she now had the tendency to yell 'Derp' whenever she snorts herself awake or when she loses concentration on something. Everyone was at work, though Fry was there first... sleeping on the desk with only his underwear on & with a blanket over his body as he laid his head on a pillow. An alarm clock went off next to him, causing him to wake up & reach over to turn the sound off, only to press down on Bender's Antennae. "HEY!!!" Bender yelled. He turned off the alarm, but bended it and placed it on the ledge of the table. "Fry, mon," Hermes spoke "if you're going to be living in the office, then you could at least on time for work." Fry grumbled as he sat right up. "I'm sorry," he apologized "I was up all night poking through people's desks." He stood right up and walked away to get ready, rustling Derpy's mane. "Morning Derpy." "Morning Fry." Derpy replied, adjusting her mane back to it's normal state. "Alright people," Hermes spoke "I'll now outline today's 12 point agenda. We begin with point 1: we-" loud clanging interrupted him. Everyone turned to see Fry pouring a large bag of bachelor chow into a derpy's water bowl (an old dog bowl the professor cleaned after one of his dogs passed away after testing a dog-brand lipstick). Fry filled the bowl with water, then walked over to the table, taking a seat next to Bender. Hermes took a deep breath "Concerning our next problem; Somebody's been leaving food around and it's attracting owls! And for one am getting tired of cleaning owl traps!" "And I'm tired of having a trail of owls following me!" Derpy added. At that moment, an owl landed next to Derpy, pecked through her mane, and pulled out a piece of muffin, flying away. "...Why was that in my mane?" Hermes pulled a remote, showing a chart on the large T.V. screen. "Now, as this shocking graph indicates, our water consumption has tripled in the last month! I notice Fry has been here for the last month, so I'm appointing him as head of committee to find who's responsible. Fry!?" They turned to see the naked silhouette of Fry in the emergency chemical burn shower, humming himself a tune. "Am I the only one cracking up, but is Fry living here starting to-" The ship's engine whirred, and Fry was right behind the ship, blowing his hair dry. Leela ran up and pressed the emergency shut down button. The ship stopped and Fry's hair began to glow. "What the hell are you doing!?" Leela asked in frustration "You're getting a huge dose of radiation!" "And great lift." Fry added "Ugh! Do you know long it's going to take me to recalibrate these engines?" "Hey, when you look this good, you don't have to know anything." "...I feel funny." Derpy commented as her coat and mane started to glow. Everyone walked into the Professor's lab. "Professor," Leela spoke. "We need to talk to you about Fry." "That's right!" Bender agreed "We want some money! ... Wait, what's this about Fry?" "He's a nice guy, but we feel it's time he gets his own place." "Ha Fuff!" The Professor replied "He's not causing any trouble. Now if you don't mind, I'm rather busy; I seem to misplaced my alien mummy." He pulled out a small sarcophagus. "This sarcophagus should contain the remains of Emperor Nimbala, who ruled Zuban five over twenty-nine million years ago." "It's empty." Derpy simply said. "Hey Professor!" Fry spoke with his mouth full. "Great Jerkey!" He turned around and walked away. "My god! This is an outrage! I WAS GONNA EAT THAT MUMMY!!! Fry has got to go!" "Yay!" Derpy cheered "No more owls!!!" Leela, Bender, and Derpy entered the break room, seeing Fry sitting down and watching T.V. Leela was the one who wanted Fry to leave & find his place while Bender was there, as Fry's friend, to convince him to leave while Derpy was there as a cute factor to push him out. "Fry," Bender began "We've got to discuss your living arrangements." "We've all talked it over," Leela added "And we think-" "T.V!!!" Derpy yelled, interrupting Leela and jumping out of her arms, sitting on the armchair of the couch. "All my circuits!?" Bender added. "Move over!" Fry lazily pushed the trash off the couch and moved over as Derpy jumped to the middle of the couch, leaving Bender to sit on his end. Both Fry and Bender rested their feet on the desk, both lazily relaxing now. Derpy tried following the two, but was only able to sit like a regular human, though this reminded her of something that may or may not exist. "Fry," Leela continued "sometimes in close quarters, people do inconsiderate things without realizing it." "I know," Fry replied, though not paying attention. "But I forgive you." "No, Fry, by 'close quarters', I mean this office." "Uh-huh." "...And by people, I mean you." "Right." "And by 'inconsiderate', I mean-" "Leela! We're trying to watch T.V." "Yeah!" Bender agreed "Would you kindly shut your noise hole?" "Which one?" Derpy asked. Bender and Fry laughed immaturely before calming down. Leela rolled her eye and walked away. "Who's that weird looking one?" Fry asked as they watched. "That's a human." Bender answered. "What does he do?" Derpy asked "Eh, usually human stuff. he laughs, he learns, he loves." "Bo~ring!" Fry commented. They watched the channel, but the screen got smaller. "Hey, why's the T.V. getting small?" "Are we growing!?" Derpy asked. With all three of them still on the couch, the rest of the planet express crew pushed them all out into the street. "Sorry Derpy," Leela spoke "but I have something important to do. Have fun with Bender and Fry!" "AW CRAP!!!" Bender yelled. Bender, Derpy, and Fry sat together in their own booth in a 'Food-o-Mat', where all sorts of food, snacks, & drink were always moving on a treadmill in a 'first come first serve' way. Luckily, it was a Tuesday, and kids ate free on that day. Derpy enjoyed her own muffin as Bender pulled some light martinis off the treadmill while Fry poked at his large amoeba. "Cheer up, Meatbag!" Bender spoke "You barely touched your amoeba." "It looked good," Fry replied "but I just don't feel like eating. You want it?" "Nah, I'm trying to watch my input. I need plenty of wholesome, nutritious alcohol." He took a drink "The chemical fuel energy keeps my fuel cells in check." He pulled out a cigar and lit it up "That's strange." Derpy commented. "Well what are the cigars for?" Fry asked "They make me look cool." Bender simply answered, taking a puff. "I can't believe they kicked me out like that. I must've really been acting like a jerk." Derpy nodded. "Yeah, but everyone's a jerk: You, me, her. That's my philosophy. So, where are you gonna stay?" "...I don't know. Do refrigerators still come in cardboard boxes?" "Yeah, but the rents are OUTRAGEOUS! Why don't you just come in and move in with me?" "Really!? That'd be great! You sure I won't be imposing?" "Nah, I've always wanted a pet or two." "Three jerks and a pet!" Derpy cheered. They entered a run downed building labeled 'Robt Arms Apts.', where everyroom was labeled with different combinations of 1's & 0's. They arrived to Bender's apartment, labeled 00100100. Whether just by luck or if she was really smart, Derpy though that combo as a dollar sign, quite fitting for Bender as he saw him pickpocket everyone at Planet express. "Here we are," Bender spoke "Our new home!" "Cool!" Fry replied "You know, I've never seen a robot's apartment before. "Me too." Derpy added "Well come on in, I'll give you the tour!" Bender opened the door to his apartment... which was about as big as a closet. Fry struggled to get in, placing Derpy on his head as he entered the super small room. When the door closed, Fry placed Derpy to the floor. "Let's see, where to start? Okay! This is the T.V. area, that over there is the breakfast nook, and over there is where you'll be staying, which is great cause it's been wasted space." "It's kinda cramped in here." Fry commented. "I don't even have room to hang my clothes!" "Look pal, you only have one pair of clothes, and you're not taking them off while I'm here." "EW!!!" Derpy yelled "FRY STINKS!!! I want to sleep somewhere else!" Bender picked up Derpy and tossed her inside his his chest. "There, now shut up! Well, goodnight." "Wait!" Fry yelled "Bender! Bender!?" Bender began to snore. Derpy found Bender's chest to be surprisingly comfrotable, despite being a robot & was mean towards everyone. She walked to the operating gears inside Bender, placed her back onto them, and felt like she was getting a great massage. She soon feel asleep, allowing the gears inside to massage her as she slept through the night, not minding Bender's snoring and his ramblings about 'killing all humans'. Both Derpy and Bender walked side by side, Bender whistling a tune to himself while Derpy dance-walked next to him. "Well you're both so cheerful this morning." Leela commented. "This past week with Fry has been a blast!" Bender commented "And I think Derpy may not be so bad afterall: my sensors can now indicate when a booze, smokes, and muffins are nearby." "And Bender's chest is actually nice to me." Derpy added "I felt so safe within his gears... except whenever he drinks." "Consider that an alarm." Bender turned and whistled away as Fry came in, his head crooked and hair messed up. "What happened to you?" Leela asked "Fry never showered nor has different clothes." Derpy spoke. "OH GOD!!!" Leela pulled out a 'Shower in a can' and sprayed Fry with it. He luckily smelled better, though he didn't look well. "You know you're standing at a weird angle." Fry commented. Leela grunted and snapped his head back in place. "Now you're okay." "What's happened to you?" "Fry has had a hard time in Bender's apartment." Derpy answered "He really can't get a good night's sleep." "How do you know?" Fry asked "I heard you grunt almost every second followed with a thump." "...Huh. Smart Gal." "Well I believe you've got to find yourself a new place to live." Leela said. "Is that an invitation?" "Not in a lifetime, buster!" Derpy yelled, standing on her hind legs and using her forelegs to shield her mother. "Ugh, I love your optimism," Leela continued "but you've got to tell Bender you're moving out." "Yeah, but he might get upset." Fry replied "I really don't want to do it." "Hey! There's my little space heater and my little pony!" Bender teased. Both Fry and Bender laughed at the joke. "...Fry's moving out." Derpy spoke for Fry. "WHAT!?" "Um... look," Fry spoke for himself "You're my best friend, but there's just not enough room." "Not enough room!? My place is two cubic meters and we both only take 1.5 cubic meters! We have enough room for another 2/3 of a person!" "Pwease Bendah?" Derpy asked, using her old talk. "Can you hewp Fwy find a new pwace to wive in?" She used her tactical 'Bambi eyes'. Bender cringed at the stare. "No! Don't fall for it! Must... avoid... eyes! ... Ah screw it! Fine, but I have a lot of great memories in my apartment." He pressed a button on his chest. "And now they're gone." "Well good luck to you three," Leela commented "The ship's engine still needs recalibrating. 12 hours later. Everyone, including Leela, sat together in the break room. All three apartments they visited weren't great at all; the underwater apartment was attacked by a giant squid, the apartment that looks like a painting was too large and confusing to navigate (though it was funny to watch Bender fall everywhere), and the only good apartment was technically in New Jersey, not New New York. "Not even one place remotely livable." Fry commented to himself. "Oh, how awful." The professor commented on the phone. "Did he die at least painlessly? ... To shreds you say? Tsk, tsk, tsk. Well how's his wife holding up?... To shreds, you say? Very well." He hung the phone and turned to everyone. "Sad, sad, terrible, gruesome news about my colleague Dr. Nibutoo." "Was his apartment rent controlled?" Leela asked Everyone entered the deceased Dr. Nibutoo's apartment, lead by a strange old woman, who also had crossed eyes like Derpy, though she was much more crazier. "Wow! This is beautiful!" Leela commented "What's with all the crap?" Bender asked "It's not crap!" "Dr. Nibutoo collected this crap while exploring the watchamacallit... universe." The crazy old woman explained "Well, this place has everything I need except one: A T.V." Fry spoke. "It's got a T.V. you whatchacallit... idiot!" She pulled a hanging rug to show a T.V. right behind it. "Whoah! Slow down!" Bender exclaimed "This place just doesn't feel like home. It just isn't... cozy." "How about this?" Derpy asked, pressing a button next to a closet while balancing on a small ladder. The closet opened and Bender walked inside. "Huh... I can barely move." He pressed on the button inside, the closet closing on him. "IT'S PERFECT!!!" While Derpy couldn't stay with Fry & Bender as they redecorated the apartment, she went with everyone, getting a special gift for Fry. Following Hermes example, Derpy didn't want to show Fry her gift yet. Everyone came in to Fry's new apartment with their gifts ready; Hermes with his boxed present, Zoidberg with his smaller claws, Leela with her miniature fruit salad tree, Amy with a cake (though it fell on her face as soon as Fry tossed over a miniature banana peel on the floor), and the Professor with another small mummy (teriyaki style). Derpy was the last to enter, balancing her gift on her head. "I was beginning to wonder if you'd show up" Fry spoke. "Sorry Fry," Derpy replied "but dragging your gift wouldn't help." "Aw, that's alright little filly. I'll take that off you." Fry took Derpy's gift off her head. Derpy trotted inside, seeing the place was filthy, but couldn't complain as this was his apartment and they were going to watch the wedding season finale of 'All my Circuits'. While the show was getting ready, Bender drank all of the beer. "Wow! Heavy-drinking crowd!" Bender exclaimed before belching out fire. "I'd better go out for more beer." "Hey, hang on, All My Circuits is about to start!" Derpy pleaded "I know, but I need alcohol to power up my batteries. If Calculon's wedding doesn't go just right I'll be emotionally and electrically drained." He stood up and left. Fry turned on the TV but all that's on was static. He nudges the screen a bit and 'All my Circuits' began to play. Zoidberg passes around crab claws on a plate to everyone, to which, despite being equine & not having any meat yet, Derpy enjoyed the claws Zoidberg made himself, though Hermes upchucked at the news. "The wedding's about to start!" Fry yelled. The yedding went well in the show until Calculon's half-brother interupted, beeping loudly. "Is he objecting or backing up?" "Sounds like both." Derpy replied Just as Calculon was about his secret, Bender came in and the screen cut off to static, making everyone groan. Fry stood right up and began to use his fist against the T.V. "Hey, what happened to the TV!?" Bender yelled "It just went out." Fry replied "This is an outrage! I'm gonna go yell at the manager!" Bender stormed right out and the TV came back on, leaving everyone cheering. "Come back, Bender! It's working!" Before calculon could retell his secret, Bender came back in and the TV cuts out again, making everyone groan again "It's out again." "What!? That's the last straw!" The screen showed the show. "It's back on!" Bender came back in with the woman and the TV goes out once again. "Pardon me," she spoke "I don't mean to pry into what you're doing in here with the crab and the one-eyed lady and the Chinese girl and the stupid horse, but everyone on this floor is having trouble with their TV reception." Derpy growled at her comment "Yeah!" Bender agreed "And you'd better get rid of whatever's causing it or we're outta this dump!" "Relax, sonny. This kajigger'll find the source of the interference." She began pointing the scanner in her hands around the apartment, beeping slowly. She then points it at Bender's antenna and it beeps faster, but she keeps looking around, making her scanner beep slowly again. The other tenants come in and she points the scanner at Bender's antenna again. "Oh, my God!" Amy exclaimed "Bender, it's your thingy!" All the other tenants yelled together. "You people are nuts." Bender announced "My antenna never interfered with my old TV." "You had cable," Leela explained "This is satellite. "Obviously your thoughts are being transmitted on the same frequency." The professor explained "Robots can think?" Derpy asked "I thought they were just like, well, robots." "They're on my cell phone too." A woman in red said "Madam," Bender retaliated "I believe you're mistaken!" She turns her phone on. "Wow, that lady's got a huge ass!" Bender's voice spoke through the phone. "Those could be anyone's thoughts, fat ass!" "The robot has to go!" a flamboyant man spoke followed by everyone agreeing "Well, you heard the mob!" The woman spoke, pushing Bender out "Fine!" Bender yelled "Come on, Fry, let's move to that apartment that smelled like a sewer. You liked that one, right?" "It's tempting, but, well, I am already kinda settled in here." Fry replied "Or we could live underground with the mutants. A little fire'll show 'em who's boss!" Derpy laughed mischievously. "Uh, listen, is there maybe some way we could do this with you going and me not going? "I don't understand." "Well, you were gonna live in the closet anyway. Won't you be just as happy back in your old place?" "But... then we wouldn't be roommates." "I'll come visit sometime. And you can visit me here." "No he can't." The crazy old woman, who we'll call Hattie, added. "Anyway, I'm sure it'll work out. This way we'll both be happy." "...Happy." Bender said with a hint of sadness "Yeah, that's Bender... always happy." Bender walked out of the room and down the corridor. The TV turned back on, and though everyone was happy to see the show was back on, Derpy and Leela couldn't help but feel concerned for Bender, even if he was a jerk. Everyone began to leave, each having a bit of a good time with tears about whether Calculon's evil twin will ever walk again... followed by Amy slipping on the same small banana peel. "Hey, thanks for coming." Fry spoke, pressing on a button to close the door. Leela placed her elbow in it and forces it back open, followed by Derpy, both giving Fry an angered look. "Fry, you're Bender's best friend! How could you let that mob kick him out!?" Leela asked angrily "Ah, come on. Bender loves mobs." "Only when he's in them and you know it." "You really hurt Comfort Gear's feelings!" Derpy added "Don't girl me with that girl stuff." Fry replied "Bender and me are guys. Guys don't have feelings." "Bender's not a guy, he's a robot." "And you both went D'aw over me!" Derpy added "No we didn't!" Fry replied. Derpy turned around, putting on a small mail bag, a hat, and put an unmakred envelope into her mouth, adorably holding it. She turned around and purposely onto the floor, smiling and blushing at the same time. "Aw, that's adorable." Fry commented. Derpy spat out the envelope "Told you!" she yelled In the next morning, both Leela and Derpy were fixing the ship with lasers. They stopped, seeing Bender walking into the conference room; He has orange rust around his mouth and his door is flapping open. "Bender!?" Derpy asked, lifting her helmet up "My God, you're a mess!" Leela commented. Bender ran into the lounge room, falling onto the couch. "Leave me alone!" Bender said miserably "Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking, haven't you?" "Hey! What I don't do is none of your business." "Please, Bender, have some malt liquor. If not for yourself then for the people who love you." "I hate the people who love me and they hate me." Derpy jumped onto Bender's chest tapped on his shoulder "There, there," she spoke "it's alright. I don't hate you at all. I may not like you, but I don't hate you." "It's obvious you miss being Fry's roommate," Leela added "But there's got to be a better way to deal with this." "Like how?" Bender asked "Having my antenna removed?" "Well... if that would work." "ARE YOU CRAZY!?!?!?" Bender practiacally jumped all her feathers off, jumping into Leela's arm and cowering "That's Little Bender you're talking about! I can't cut it off. You're both not a robots or men, so you wouldn't understand! I gotta get out of here!" He got up and drunkenly walked away "Wait! I want you to look me in the eye and promise you won't get behind the wheel without some kind of alcoholic beverage in your hand. "I promise nothing!!!" Bender ran away "...He's scary without his booze." Derpy commented, still shaking. Leela and Fry pressed the doorbell to Fry's door. It had been two weeks and Bender was gone; Derpy checked his apartment yesterday and he was gone, leaving only a broken beer bottle behind with it's liquid still on the floor. Fry opened the door "What up?" Fry asked "I can't just stand by and be silent about Bender anymore!" Leela exclaimed "Silent? You've been meddling for two solid weeks." "Well I can't just do that anymore! Your best friend is out there somewhere destroying himself." "...Really? I didn't think he'd miss this apartment that much." "He doesn't care about the apartment," Derpy snapped "He cares about you! And you turned your back on him you back stabbing son of a BITCH!!!" "LANGUAGE!!!" Leela yelled "Oh, man!" Fry exclaimed to himself "I had no idea! If only I knew where he was I'd go talk to him." he T.V. went to static. "Oh, stupid TV!" Bender entered the room, trying his hardest to keep his balance. Derpy squeaked and jumped into Leela's laps, cowering and using her wings to cover her face "Bender! You're blind-stinking sober!" "That's right!" Bender rambled "I'm sober and crazy and I don't know what I might do!" "Don't do it!" "I don't know what it is yet! ... Oh, yeah, now I remember. I thought I could live alone, but I can't. So, I'm gonna do what it takes to be your roommate again." Bender opened his chest and pulled out a pair of clippers. "Bender! Stop!" Leela yelled "Cutting Leela and Derpy's heads off won't solve anything!" Fry added "No, I'm going to chop off my antenna." Bender yelled "Hey, yeah! That sounds good. Can I give you a hand?" "Fry!" Leela yelled "Don't help him mutilate himself!" "WHERE'S HIS BEER!?!?!?" Derpy freaked out "But it's a useless antenna." Fry replied "It's not like he's a ham radio or something." Bender backed up as he held the hedge clippers to his antennae "I'm gonna do it!" He yelled "I'm really gonna do it! Don't try and stop me! Here goes!" Silence fell as Fry smiled. Bender sighed in defeat and cuts off his antennae, throwing it out the window. The TV comes back on, showing Calculon with Human Friend, who is in a hospital bed. "Hey, it works! The static's gone!" On the T.V., both the human and Calculon talked to each other "I hate that this came between us, Calculon." The human spoke "Me too." Calculon replied "I'm filled with a large number of powerful emotions." "You're my best friend. I'm sorry I treated you so badly." "Apology accepted. After all, you're only human." They hugged each other "You guys could learn a lesson from those two." Leela pointed out, Derpy nodding with her, "She's right." Fry spoke, sucking up his pride "You're my best friend, Fry," Bender spoke, acting as the human "I'm sorry I treated you so badly". "Apology accepted. After all, you're only human." They both hug each other. Derpy face hoofed herself with a sigh of anooyance. "Wait a minute!" Leela spoke "You did it all backwards." Fry and Bender stared blankly. "Fry's the one who should be- Oh, never mind!" Fry and Bender laugh, but bender looks in a mirror and sighs. "What's wrong?" Fry asked "Nothing." Bender replied "I guess I'm just going to have to get used to being half a robot." "Aw, this isn't right. Listen, Bender, if we found your antenna could they still reattach it?" "Maybe. If we get it on ice right away." "Ech, I'm on it." Derpy spoke, jumping off the couch. "Lean down, Bender." Bender followed. Derpy took some sniffs to his head and heads down the stairs. Everyone follows her as she sniffs for the antennae. Soon, after a few moments, outside and at the bottom, she found Bender's antennae "Bingo!" Derpy, Bender, and Fry stood outside of Bender's apartment. Balancing on Derpy's head was Fry's miniature fruit salad tree. "This time, you'll have all the human comfort." Bender replied "We'll get a couple of toilets, some food cookers, maybe a puppy." "Ahem!" Derpy coughed. "Oh, never mind the last one if she's going to be here for a bit." They entered the apartment. "It's good to be home." Fry said happily "It sure is. By the way, I saved your stuff." Bender opened up a small, metal box. "So that's where those skin flakes went." "How's the fruit tree's going to get enough light?" Derpy asked "There's a window in the closet." Bender simply replied. He pushes a button and a door swings open, revealing a large living space. Both Fry and Derpy walk into it. "This is huge!" Fry exclaimed "Bender, why don't I just live in here?" "And why didn't you tell us!?" Derpy asked in anger "You both want to live in a closet?" Bender asked "Oh, meatbags!" Before he could take a drink from his bottle of beer, Derpy yelled and tackled Bender, ripping him into pieces, soon, throwing him out of the window. She took in deep breaths, then calmed down. "Okay... I need a muffin." She fell to the floor and fell asleep. Fry leaned in a corner, shaking. "She's scary!" He whimpered. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
Thief in training.It was another wonderful day at New New York; Bender and Derpy were spending time together in the park. Leela was busy with finding a date, Fry fixed up the apartment, Amy went to visit her parents on Mars, Hermes had important files to organize, Professor Farnworth was busy with another experiment, and Zoidberg... he was doing whatever he does, leaving Bender to watch over the filly. He hated watching over Derpy: she was too adorable for his sensors, was a child, tore him to pieces after showing them the closet, and she was almost of a goody little two shoes... or was it four hooves? Bender only sighed to himself, taking another bottle of beer to drink. "Bender?" Derpy asked "What?" Bender replied with annoyance "Can we get something to eat?" "No!" "But I'm hungry!" "Well too bad! I'm outta money." "Can't you get some?" "Money doesn't grow on trees, idiot." "I know that, but can't you get more from someone else?" Bender froze "Are you suggesting we get money from the Don-Bot?" "The Don-Bot? No, I meant from all these jerks." "Hey, begging isn't my- OH!!! I can't do that here: too many eyes will be on me!" "Allow me." Derpy walked ahead, jumping onto a bench, then jumping into a trashcan. "Uh... what are you-?" Derpy'y head popped up from the trashcan; her mane was messy and she was covered in filth. "Who should we target first?" "What?" "Bender, I'm helping you get money to feed me! I'm a distraction!" "... I gotta take a note on this!" Bender pulled out a notepad with a pencil & wrote down. "And if you really want to learn this, let's start with that couple over there." Bender pointed out an average looking couple having wine together. "This is quite the wine you have, Jack." The woman "Of course, Jill," Jack replied "I'm certain that our children will thrive in the future." "Is it wise to take all of our life's savings with us?" "Oh please, we're in a park, nothing can steal from us." At that moment, they heard small, whining noise from a bush. "What was that?" "Sounds like a baby." They both got up and looked through a bush, gasping at what was a small, grey pegasus thing covered in filth, shivering. The pegasus turned to the couple and froze in fear, shaking really fast. "Aw, what's a cutie like you doing out here?" Jill reached for the pegasus, only for it to back up and whimper even more. "Pwease," it begged "Don't huwt me!" "It can talk!?" Jack asked in surprise. Derpy watched behind the suckers as Bender took everything inside the basket, looking around like an owl as he did it. He held up an 'ok' sign and ran away. Derpy took this as her chance to escape the suckers! She turned around and ran away from the suckers! "Wait!" The sucker woman yelled "Come back!" "You're adorable and need help!!!" The sucker man yelled. Derpy ran as fast as her hooves could carry her. Bender, being a robot, sat on a bench and waited for Derpy with his chestplate open. Derpy leaped into Bender's chest, and Bender closed it as the couple stopped next to him. "Have you seen an adorable pegasus around here?" "She's small, filthy, and might need help." "Eh, I think the Pound caught her already." Bender replied as he took another drink of beer. The couple ran ahead. Derpy opened the chest, popping her head out with a wet mane. "What did they have on them?" Derpy asked. Bender pulled out a large wad of cash, followed by a whistle. "500 thousand bucks!!! And plans for some toy called 'Tickle me Enders'." "ECH!!! That sounds awful!" "It sounds like crap, but what if we can add a more... personal touch to it?" "...Tickle me benders?" "And Tickle me Derpys!" Derpy jumped out as Bender took another drink of beer. "So how was it like making them suckers?" "It was... different. I can't I'm happpy with myself... nor angry with myself." "Eh, don't think about it. They were jerks who would become richer jerks. In fact, I think I see a rich jerk ahead! Let's see what we can take off of him, then I promise I'll get you the most delicious muffin ever!" "I'm on it!" Derpy jumped into the trash can again, but came out with pieces of trash on her including a torn up scarf. Derpy walked ahead to the super rich man (as told by his monocle, top hat, suit, and chariot looking ship). The man looked down at her, not gasping, but one of his eyebrows rose up. "I say," he said in an English accent "what type of animal are you?" Derpy coughed. "Pwease sir, can have something to eat? Or at least, some money to buy myself something to eat?" The rich jerk thoguht to himself, looking into his car. "Well, I've never seen any species like you before, and I'm certain there's no law that's stopping me from doing this." He pulled out a musket shaped tranquilizer gun and aimed it at Derpy "You're worth billions alive, and I might as well-" Before he could finish, Derpy pulled out a smaller Tranquilizer gun and fired right in-between the jerk's eyes. The jerk groggily fell to the floor, snoring. Bender came next to Derpy and whistled. "Nice defense!" He commented "And we can steal this car from him! Where'd you get the dart gun anyways?" "The trashcan." Derpy replied. "Trashcan, eh? Never though of that." The rich jerk groaned, most likely waking up from sleeping. Bender reached into his chest to find something. "Hey! Where's my tranquilizer! I just had it a few-" Derpy fired at the rich jerk again, followed by an evil laugh. Bender looked down. "Wait a minute! That's MY tranquilizer! You stole it!!!" Derpy laughed at him, then stopped. "Oh wait, you're serious. Let me laugh even harder!!!" She laughed harder. Bender clenched his hand into a fist, but stopped as, what Derpy did, was something he did. His anger quickly went away and was turned to pride, as he bend down and picked up Derpy, caressing her mane. "Oh, you made Bender proud!" "So are we going to take this jerk's car, uncle?" Bender gasped. "You called me 'Uncle'!?" "Sure, but what are we going to do with this jerk's car?" Bender laughed as they entered the car, turning it on. "Well Derpy, let me teach you a thing called 'pawning'." Bender drove the rich jerk's car away to the nearest pawnshop as Derpy listened & bopped her head to the music as they drove away. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
Love's Labours Lost in SpaceIt was another day at Planet Express and Leela was a bit sad. Everyone but the professor was at the meeting room; the professor was busy doing experiments with Pazoozoo. Last night, Leela was on a date with some guy named Doug, but was put off by something. "What was wrong with your date last night? Amy asked "I don't know." Leela replied "Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Possibly his vile lizard tongue." Both Leela and Derpy shuddered at it. "You're too picky." "Yeah," Fry added "If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low I.Q. or an explosive violent temper, of course you're gonna be lonely". "There's nothing wrong with having high standards." "Amen." Derpy added "Now can we please stop-" "The female Leela's problem is purely medical." Zoidberg interrupted "Soon she will drop her eggs and they will hatch and all will be well." As they sat around the table, Derpy gave a strange look at her mom, looking around her. "Please, don't listen to that idiot." "You just have to give guys a chance." Amy said "Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig, but then later you realize he actually has a really good body." "Thank you all for the inspiring advice, but I'm perfectly happy with my life the way it is." "That sounds like a cry for help." Bender commented. Unbeknownst to Bender, as he walked away, Derpy pulled out the 500 bucks from his wallet. "Let's all take her out tonight." Amy suggested "There's lots of great places to meet people." "The Federal Sex Bureau." Hermes offered "A saucy puppet show!" Bender added "The rotting carcass of a whale?" Zoidberg begged. "Ew!" Derpy replied "How about a dance club?" "...That actually sounds great, Derpy!" Amy replied After some time of preparing, they arrived at a place called 'The Hip Joint'. Amy was able to lend Derpy a dress with rings all over it, making look almost as if she were continuously using the rings as a hula hoop. The cance club had hovering platforms and strobe lighting, along with nearly everyone inside were wearing rings. "Oh, wow! It's totally retro!" Amy exclaimed as they entered, holding Derpy in her dress "Why's everyone wearing those rings, though?" Derpy asked "Guh! Because nobody wears them anymore! Rings are stupid!" "I think they look cool." "Sh! Don't let anyone hear you say that!" "Hey!" A man yelled "did that- d'aww!!! Look how adorable she is!" "... I guess you're an exception." Leela, Amy, Derpy, and Bender sat at a table with drinks for them. While everyone had some sort of alcohol, Derpy had herself cherry soda. "So what do you think of that guy by the bar?" Amy pointed at a man at bar" "I don't know. Maybe?" Leela replied "Forget it, he's gay." Bender spoke "How can you tell?" Derpy asked "I just know these things. I've got what they call gaydar." "There's no such thing." Leela commented "No?" Bender pulled out a machine with a small antenna on it from his chest cabinet. The antenna swivels around. "OK, I got a lock on him." The machine beeped "Yep! He's gay!" "Are you sure?" Derpy asked "Definitely. Unless I'm getting interference from a gay weather balloon." Derpy sat as Amy went to find someone that could interest Leela. She watched as Fry talked to another woman and Zoidberg was looking at a lobster. She lookefd around, bored, but her ears perked as she spotted something that went into the bathroom. "Uh, excuse me, I have to... use the restroom." "Be sure to avoid the gay ladies!" Derpy walked inside the bathroom, but froze as she saw what had entered the bathroom: inside was another quadruped like her with a light brown coat and an even darker brown mane & tail. She couldn't see his face, as he stood much taller than her, though he wasn't as tall as her family. Inside the bathroom, there was blue box with the words 'Police/public call/Box'. "Look," the stranger spoke on a phone. "she's only young, a filly mind you, so the world is new to her. ... Yes, she's busy with her family at the nightclub I'm in right now. ... Do you doubt my abilities? I know she's going to meet you tomorrow! ... Well it's because I'm a bloody-" "Hello?" He froze for a few moments. "Let me call you back." He put his phone away and slowly turned around. Though it was only a few seconds, Derpy got a good look at him: he was a subspecies of her with an almost Mohawk looking mane, blue eyes, a muzzle in the shape of a dog, and he wore a green tie with a white collar, despite not wearing any clothing. He jumped back. "OH NO!!!" He yelled, running into the blue box. "NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!" "WAIT!!!" Derpy yelled. The door closed behind him, shutting him out. Derpy got up to her hind legs and started to hit on the door. "Who are you!? And why do you feel so familiar!?" The machine let out a noise as the machine began to appear, then reappear, until it was gone. Derpy stood there with a wide open mouth. "Who... who was that pony?... and why did I call him a pony?" In the morning, everyone sat around the table again. Derpy thought hard on that stallion last night: was he her father? Is he some sort of Guardian Angel? And who would she meet today? And why the tie? "So, Leela," Bender spoke "you must have had your pick of the litter last night at closing time." "Could you guys please stop talking about my personal life?" Leela asked "And why are you so silent, Derpy? It's unnatural." "...Last night, I-" Derpy spoke "Yes, let's all talk about Leela's personal life later." The Professor interrupted "But right now we have business to attend to. "A delivery?" Fry asked "No. A tax-deductible mission of charity." He flipped a switch, the lights dim and a translucent holographic image of a planet is projected over the table. "This is Vergon 6." The computer spoke. "This is Vergon 6." "Buh!" Amy replied sarcastically. "It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals." "Animals!?" Leela asked in full attention "That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super-dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds." "Wait! What about the animals?" "Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow." "Yes, but what about the animals?" "The wha?" "The animals." "I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals. "So we have to bring back two of each kind. Just like Noah's Ark." "Why two?" Bender and Derpy asked. "Uh... Derpy, you'll understand later, but as for you, Bender." She leaned in an whispered something to Bender. let out an 'oh!', followed by laughing immaturely. "And Derpy... just avoid Maroon 5." Fry, Bender, Derpy and Leela all sat in the cockpit as they flew to Vergon 6. "I bet you Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye." Fry said "That'll take forever." Bender replied "What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes, then poke one out." "Yeah, that'd be a timesaver." "Do you mind?" Leela asked "Here you go." Derpy said, pulling out a fork "You can use this as an eye-poker!" "Thank you. But I don't care how many eyes a man has ... as long as it's less than five. All I'm looking for is a guy who's adventurous, self-confident... and maybe a snapper dresser." "That'll take even longer." Bender commented. "... LOOK!!!" Derpy pointed. Outside, a giant spaceship flew over them. "That's Zapp Brannigan's ship!" Leela said "Wow! The Zapp Brannigan?" Fry asked "Uh-huh!" "...Who's Zapp Brannigan?" Derpy asked "Only one of the most famous star captains of the Democratic order of Planets; Doop for short)" Derpy and the men snickered. "What's so funny?" "It rhymes with poop." Fry answered, followed by them all laughing. The laughing lasted for a few moments, but stopped as Leela gave everyone a death glare. "Thank you for that input. But Doop didn't know what to call thselves, and this was the best they could come up with. Anyways, they say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly saved the Octillian System from a horde of rampaging Killbots. "Wow!" Derpy replied "A grim day for robot-kind." Bender commented "Ah, but we can always build more Killbots!" "He's the most decorated captain in the whole Democratic Order of Planets." Leela spoke, almost dreamily "Leela's got a boyfriend!" Fry teased "No I don't. But I think we ought to meet with him and see if he'll help us rescue those animals." "Well, just in case you guys hit it off, you'll wanna take this with you." Bender replied as Derpy handed Leela the fork. They easily entered Zapp's ship (called the Nimbus) and entered the large control room. They saw only a small Amphibiosan in a red suit with white gloves & boots. "Is that Zapp Branigan?" Derpy asked "I'm not sure," Leela replied "Hello, I'm Leela, captain of the Planet Express delivery ship. We've come aboard to plead for your assistance. "Well, if there's anything-" the Amphibiosan replied, only to be interrupted by a handsome human male with blonde hair and, though muscular, had a bit of a gut. "I'm in command here." He spoke "Zapp Brannigan. Has my fame preceded me or was I too quick for you?" "Oh, not at all." Leela replied almost dreamily "I'm just so, uh, really thrilled to meet you!" "You're an impressive piece of captain. Beautiful and deadly -- a potent combination." Leela blushed as she accepted Zapp's extended hand "You don't mean that!" "But I do. I doubt I've seen more than three or four captains sexier than you, and only one who was deadlier." Zapp leaned in to kiss Leela's hand "I heard that one time you single-handedly defeated a horde of rampaging somethings in the something-something-system." Fry interupted "The Killbots? A trifle! It was simply a matter of outsmarting them." "Wow! I never would have thought of that!" "You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shutdown." "...That's stupid." Derpy commented. "Arrest that horse, Kif!" The Amphibiosan groaned and picked Derpy up. Derpy struggled and jumped into Leela's arms. "Derpy!" Leela yelled "Show some respect to the captain!" "She's right!" Zapp added "And Kif, show them the medal I won." Kif sighed and points to the medal on Zapp's uniform. I the Nimbus's Mess Hall, Leela, Zapp, Fry, Derpy, and Bender sat at a table, looking down at the rest of the crew who are eating. Kif groaned to himself as he grates cheese over Zapp's food. "Captain Brannigan," Leela spoke "we really need to talk to you about our mission. "Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal." Zapp replied "Right, men?" "... You suck!" A lone voice yelled in the crowd. "I like that man now." Derpy commented "We're hoping to save the animals of Vergon 6 from extinction." Leela continued "And if you could just-" Zapp spat out his drink "Vergon 6!?!?!?" He yelled "This light dinner is over!" He got up to leave "Wait! What's wrong?" "The Democratic Order of Planets prohibits interfering with undeveloped worlds. It's a little rule known as 'Brannigan's Law'." Derpy and Kif moaned to themselves. "But people already interfered. That planet was mined completely hollow." "Yes, by a Democratic Order of Planets mining crew." "This doesn't make any sense." "I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law. I merely enforce it." "Fine! We'll save the animals without your help." "I'm afraid I can't allow that. Guards!" A couple of guards came up and grabbed Leela, Fry and Bender. A lone guard grabbed Derpy by the loose skin on the back of her neck "What just happened?" Fry asked "He's throwing us in prison." Bender answered "Dang! Can I get this wrapped up?" Zapp nodded at Fry's request. They were now in the brig, sitting and waiting. Leela touched the force field around the doorway and got electrocuted. "Ow!" Leela exclaimed "I might've liked Zapp Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw me in prison." "You really are too picky." Bender commented. "I told you he was stupid." Derpy added. "...what do we do now?" Fry asked. "We need to escape!" Leela spoke "But how?" Some time passed, but Kif came along. "Captain Leela?" He asked, sounding annoyed. "Yes?" "Come with me." "Can I take someone with me?" "No, I'm afraid not." "Not even this little pegasus?" Leela picked up Derpy, who used her eyes as the weapons she used them for. Kif stared for a few moments, then frowned. "Fine! Just her, but the others need to stay." Leela and Derpy walked out of their cell, following Kif around the Nimbus's corridors "So why does he want to see me?" "The jackass wants to see you in his quarters." "Good. This will be my chance to reason with him, captain to captain." "And he wants you to wear this." Kif held up a skimpy outfit. Leela covered Derpy's eyes. "And, to help make sure your daughter isn't blind, I'll take care of her." "Please!" Derpy pleaded "Anything to avoid the stupid man!" Kif picked up Derpy as they walked away, Leela entering Zapp's room. "I think you mean the idiotic jackass." "The idiotic jackass who can bite my furry little ass!" They stared at each other seriously for a few moments, then laughed. "I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who thinks that way! I can only imagine what you'd be like being his second in command for years!" "You're that idiot's second in command!? How'd you survive a day with him!?" "I have no idea. I'm Kif, Kif Kroker." "Derpy hooves." They entered Kif's room; it was really small with only a window showing space. "This is your room?" "Yes, I know, it's super small and right below Zapp's room." "...At least you have a good view of space." "...I guess you're right." Kif quickly switched into his pajamas "I just hope the captain doesn't need me again." "Why would he need you again?" "For his moronic... and unpleasant requests." "Why are you even working for this jackass? Shouldn't you be with some sort of other captain that ACTUALLY knows what they're doing?" "I wish, but orders are orders. I do say, I've never seen a creature like you around. What are you?" "...I'm not quite sure myself." She yawned to herself "But I'm... really tired." "Same thing here. Come on, I think some sleep will help." Both went onto the bed together; while it's not as soft as Leela or Fry's bed, nor had the comfrot of Bender's gears, it was still nice to be with someone, especially if they shared the same feeling for a dumbass in control. "EROTIC!" Zapp's voice repeated from above "EROTIC! EROTIC!" Kif angrily held the broom in his room and banged the bottom to the roof. Derpy woke up with red eyes. "SHUT THE BUCK UP!!!" She fell back to the bed and slept like an angel, not even acknowledging what she yelled. Kif froze in fear, cowering in a corner. "...Maybe Zapp isn't so bad." He whimpered to himself. Then he heard soft moaning above. "Oh jeez!" A faint scream from Leela woke both Kif and Derpy up. Instead of screaming, Derpy got up and stretched herself as any animal would. "What happened?" she asked. "...We fell asleep." Kif replied, putting on his uniform. "Oh... that sounds nice." Kif carried Derpy back to Zapp's room, where Leela stormed right out. She took Derpy out of Kif's hands, not even saying 'thank you'. "Kif!" Zapp yelled. Kif's happiness went away immediately as he entered Zapp's room, then came out a few moments later. "If you follow me, your men will be back." They walked back to the brig, Kif pressing a button, letting the shields go away as yellow steam came out. "The fatso says you're free to go." Derpy giggled at the remark. "Really?" Fry asked "Why?" "'Why' indeed." Kif walked away, back to duty. "Bye Kif!" Derpy spoke, waving her right forearm. "What does that mean?" Fry asked "Nothing." Leela replied "So should we get our stuff and head down to the planet?" Bender asked" "We just talked, OK?!" Their ship landed on Vergon 6, the ground crumbling as they landed. Right around them, there were large nets and various instruments. "Alright," Leela spoke "we don't have much time to collect these animals. The planet is supposed to collapse in approximately... two hours ago!" "I'm on it!" Derpy spoke, taking a baton. "What the hell are you doing?" Bender asked "You'll see." As all the adults did their best to capture the animals physically, Derpy tried to do something differently. After getting some small animals, Fry, Bander, and Leela froze and stared as Derpy lead a parade of different animals, all playing instruments & following her into the ship's cargo bay. "Holy crap!" Fry commented. "Well... at least we now have plenty of time to escape." Leela commented, pulling out her board and checking off some stuff. "But be sure to find more." "Got it!" Bender replied. Derpy came back to Leela, but stopped as a small animal came out from behind some plants. It is mostly black, has one huge nostril in the middle of it's face and three eyes, one of them on a long stalk coming out of the middle of it's head. "Hello, there." The animal sniffed around Leela's feet. "Hmm. He doesn't seem to be on the checklist. "So, you're saying we can cook him?" "Yeah, a barbecue!" Fry added "I'll wear my hilarious apron!" "No!" Leela replied "I don't care how hilarious your apron is, we're not cooking him." She leaned down and picked up the animal "Aww! I'll call him Nibbler." Derpy stared in silence at what happened, then growled, seeing her target and nemesis! Leela walked with nibbler, setting him down in the cargo bay with the other animals. "I hope he'll be OK in there with all those big animals." Yes, Derpy thought Mother Nature, please, make sure that thing becomes a snack! After some time, they caught the last animal. "I found a pair of hermaphlamingos." Bender announced "Good." Leela replied "That's the last species." Fry opened the cargo bay door, only to see Nibbler sitting in the room, no animals around. "Hey! What the-!?" Bender placed the Hermaphlamingos on the floor. "Where'd they all go!?" Fry asked "And why is he still here!?" Derpy yelled in anger. Nibbler sniffed, then began to eat the Hermaphlamingos! Everyone watched and cringed at the sight, Derpy screaming in fear and running away. She ran into the cockpit, still screaming, and pressed on all the button in hopes of escaping the creature that ate every living thing in the cargo bay. The place shook, but not from Derpy, but Vergon 6. Everyone came back inside, Leela still holding Nibbler. Derpy screamed again, opening Bender's chest and hiding in there. She cowered near Bender's gears, holding onto one of his beer bottles for comfort but still shivering. "Prepare for lift-off!" Leela's muffled voice ordered. Silence "We're out of fuel! Bender, I told you to fill the tank before we left." "Yeah, I'll do it when we get back." Bender replied. The place shook again "Man, lucky for us Zapp Brannigan's nearby." Fry spoke "No way!" Leela replied "Forget it! I refuse to go crawling back to him!" "What? What are you talking about?" "Nothing. We just talked." "So what's your problem?" Bender asked "It's not like you slept with him." Silence fell. Derpy peeked her head out. "Mom?" she asked. "You... Did you-?" "Oh, my God!" "How could you, Leela!?" Fry asked "I thought you had some standards. I mean, jeez, he's a dumb, gross gorilla!" "That's enough!" Leela yelled "Don't you think I feel bad enough already?" "No!" Derpy yelled in anger. The ground shook violently. "Alright, alright. I'll call him!" She pressed a button and the videophone comes down. "I mean, if living is that important to you." The video showed Zapp, turning around in his chair "Hello, Zapp?" "Well, well, well!" he replied, sounding like a terrible James Bond. "Zapp, we're out of fuel... and Vergon 6 is about to implode. We need your help." "So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious." "Bird's don't crawl." "They've been known to." "Look, are you going to rescue us or not?" "Can't you ask a little more ... sexfully?" Leela looked at the crew. Fry and Bender make encouragig gestures at Leela, though Derpy shook her head and went back into Bender's chest. Leela took a deep breath and asked 'sexfully' "Please? Big Z?" "Certainly. But first you'll have to get rid of that thing." He pointed at Nibbler "And that hosre thing you have. That's the law, Leela, and Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love: Hard and fast! Now put those greasy rats outside and we'll tow you to safety." "I would never abandon a helpless animal and my daughter, especially! Y'know, Zapp, once I thought you were a big, pompous buffoon. Then I realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But now I realized that outside that child is a big, pompous buffoon!" "And which one rocked your world?" "You're a dumbass!!!" Derpy yelled. Leela growled and slamed down the receiver, Zapp's face fizzles off the screen. "Wow!" Fry exclaimed "Way to tell that guy off. Now what's your secret escape plan?" "Uh, I guess to sit here and wait for death." Leela replied "Can do!" Bender replied, putting his feet up and reclines in his chair. A huge bang was heard and the ship jerks backwards. "What the hell was that?" Everyone turned to see Nibbler over a small, black orb "Pew!" Fry commented, fanning the air in front of his nose. "I don't believe it!" Leela replied "It's dark matter!" "So this guy just unloaded a steaming pile of starship fuel?" Bender asked. Derpy screamed again. "OH MY GOD!!!" she yelled "I LICKED THOSE THINGS!!!" She screamed again and ran away. She ran into Leela's captain's chambers and jumped into the bed, covering herself with a pillow. The ship rocked and flew away before the planet could explode. Cheering was heard, but Derpy hid herself. After a time, Leela came inside. "Derpy? She asked "Derpy!? I have a muffin for you!" Derpy whimpered to herself. Leela walked over and lifted the pillow, seeing Derpy in the corner, cowering and shivering. "Aw, what's wrong?" "... What you did. You slept with that fat man... and you took Nibbler fast. You love nibbler more than me!" She teared up, hiding herself. Leela held Derpy up and placed her on her lap. "Aw, I'm sorry, Derpy. Yes, I slept with the dumbass Zapp, and yes I took Nibbler in, but there's a good reason for those." "...Like what?" Derpy sniffed "Well, Zapp tricked me out of pity... and for Nibbler, well he's a pet." "...A pet?" "He's not as smart as you and while yes, he does drop Dark Matter, there's nothing that can make me feel more accomplished than by being with you." "...Really?" Derpy smiled, still tearing up. "Really. Plus, Nibbler hasn't eaten us, and I'm not sure why." Derpy giggled to himself. "Maybe he's the person I'm suppose to meet." "Meet?" "I'll explain." Derpy gave Leela a hug "I love you so much, Mom." Leela returned the hug. "And I love you too, Derpy." They both released each other. "So what was it that you wanted to tell me before this mission?" "...Oh yeah! I think I discovered my species at the club." "Really!? How!?" Derpy began to explain what happened at the nightclub and was unsure about the strange stallion. Leela decided that, for better or for worse, she would teach Derpy Kung-Fu, in case the stallion and any other strange person came along to her if her family isn't around. As for Derpy, she'll keep an eye out for that stallion... and not be as scared of Nibbler, as he seems to not be interested in eating anyone. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
History lessonsInside Fry & Bender's apartment, Fry sat down on the couch playing videogames, old 8-Bit Nintendo to be exact. Derpy walked into the room, seeing Fry play "Battletoads" It was a beautiful day outside, but Derpy was stuck inside with Fry, who was too busy with his gaming. Derpy watched as Fry sucked on the first level, being geaten so easily & getting the "Game Over" Screen. "You suck at this." Derpy commented. "Hey!" Fry replied "I was a great gamer back in the 20th Century! And I doubt you can play!" "I can't; hooves." "That's your excuse? Or are you a chicken?" Derpy's eyes went straight "What did you just say?" "I didn't stutter. Are you a chicken?" "...Nobody calls me chicken!" "Then beat it!" Fry handed Derpy the remote. Derpy took the remote controller and began to play. Fry stared with wide eyes and an open mouth as Derpy not only passed the third stage so easily, but the entire game itself! "That was easy." Derpy commented, pushing the controller to the floor. "EASY!?!?!?" Fry yelled in shock "Derpy! You single handily beated the hardest game from my time! With no fingers!" "...That was the hardest game ever? It was child's play." "...You are a God among us now." "Have any other game that you want me to beat easily, prove that it isn't hard?" "I got nothing. Why did you come here anyways?" "I was bored, but this helped out a bit." "Well... you want to go to the park or something? I can teach you what life was like back in the 20th century." "That's what the heads at the museum are for." "Then you want to talk to them?" "I don't see why not. Both Fry and Derpy walked around the head museum, meeting interesting people that were famous before Fry's time, but who were also famous after Fry's time being cyrogenically frozen, most through questionable means like Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, and Amber Rose. The most weirdest ones had strange, and kinda racist names, like Jerry Purpdrank, Piques, and Kingbach, who became famous for using something called 'Vine' that restricted them to only 6 second videos. Most of these celebrities were questionable to both Fry & Derpy, though Derpy took her disliking by pushing them off their shelf, especially a Canadian girl with an attitude. Derpy stopped near the head of a woman with long, red hair "Hello there." She spoke "The name's Lauren Faust, or as most people remember me, the creator of cartoons like Powerpuff Girls, Foster's Home for imaginary friends, and the underrated movie The Iron Giant." "And I'm her husband." A man's head with curly black hair next to Lauren added "Craig Mccracken, the REAL creator of those things that no one talks about." "Oh please, many of the stuff you made are considered 'girly', so it would make sense they followed me more." "Yeah, but most of your fanbase are guys, I have very little people following me." "Oh, but I have you to thank for my followers, and I'm sure there's other that follow you." "Maybe, but I'm kinda glad we died together in 2009, though I wander what would've happened if we survived and worked for Hasbro." "Who cares, we're together again." Derpy blinked at the two, the scooted away. She stopped at another head, this one facing the other way. "Who are you?" She asked "I'd rather not tell my real name," he replied "but please, call me Tatsurou. Tats for short if you want." "What are you famous for?" "...Fanfiction." Fry's laughter was heard. "Now I hate the past." Fry and Derpy sat together together in the living room, looking through the television channels. Most of the news channels they skipped were boring news channels and really stupid reality shows like 'App Argo' & 'The real housewives of Omicron Persei 8'. Fry stopped at a channel as a cartoon played. "Why'd you stop?" Derpy asked "I actually remember watching this as a kid myself." "This!? Turn it off!! TURN IT OFF!!!" "Aw, give it a go. This is much better than most of the crap that's on right now, even if it's older than me." "Wait... it's older than you?" "Yeah, and anyone can watch them, no matter how young or old you are." "...Fine, but if it sucks, we're scrolling more." "I doubt that." Both Fry and Derpy watched, and laughed, at the various cartoon involving a Coyote failing at catching a road runner, the rivalry between a rabbit & a duck, and many others. Derpy was especially surprised at the fact that they're all voiced by one man only, and was especially surprised at just how free moving everything was unlike most cartoons that felt a bit restricted. "Are there any other shows like this?" "Hm... There's Animaniacs, but we'll give T.V. a break for now." "Aw, pwease!" "Derpy, I'm not falling for your eye & baby talk again." She continued "Derpy." She continued even harder "...Fine, we'll see what's next." Hammerman played. Derpy turned off the T.V. by throwing the remote control at it's screen and threw it out of the window, crushing some little blue people in Klan white robes. She laid on Fry's lap with her tummy exposed. "Rub my tummy. I need to get rid of those nightmares." "But we now need a new T.V." Derpy pulled out a large wad of cash "Get yourself one, but my belly needs rubbing!" "Alright, calm down." Fry began to scratch Derpy's belly, letting the filly squeal in delight. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
Fear of a Bot PlanetProfessor Farnsworth, Fry, Leela, Bender, Zoidberg, and Derpy sat together in the Madison Cube Garden's Stand. This was Derpy's first Blernsball game ever, and a chance for everyone to have some fun together. "Hey, nice seats!" Bender said "We're close enough so when you knock a player down with a beer bottle, he stays down!" "Ooh! I wanna try!" Derpy bounced. "Bender!" Leela yelled "What?" "I don't get it." Fry spoke "Is blernsball exactly the same as baseball?" "Baseball!?" The Professor replied "God forbid! "Fry," Leela answered "Baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up." "Boring!?" Fry replied "Baseball wasn't-... hmm, so they finally jazzed it up?" Below, a player hit the ball into the sky, though the ball was on a string. Fry jumped out of his seat. "Home run!! Woooo!... Right?" The ball sprung right back, a player caught & held onto it, flew through the air and hits a base. The empire signaled an 'out!'. Everyone cheered as Derpy watched Leela write onto the chart. "What just happened? Why is the ball on that springy thing?" "It's traditional. Just like aluminium bats and the seventh inning grope." Another hit. A player jumped & caught the ball, but released it and is Bender caught him. "I got me a souvenir!" He cheered. Bender placed the player next to Derpy. "Here you go, kid!" Derpy cheered and began to pet the man's head as if he were a teddy bear. "Why do they allow this?" He asked himself. Moments later, Zoidberg came back from using the restroom and gave everyone hotdogs. Derpy's souvenir, named 'Joe Change', had to use the restroom himself, but didn't return just yet, letting Derpy enjoy the rest of her hot dog. "Mmmm, at least hot dogs haven't changed." Fry commented "Why does mine feel like it's moving?" Derpy asked. "Who cares," Bender replied "Who wants popcorn!?" Everyone agreed on wanting popcorn. Bender stood still and pop sounds were heard inside. He then took a large tub of popcorn out of his chest cavity. "Anyone want butter on that?" He began to pump his antenna and Derpy watched where the Butter came out of, making her cheeks perk up, and then puke all over a Blernsball player below her. "I'm starting to get the hang of this game!" Fry spoke "The blerns are loaded, the count's three blerns and two anti-blerns and the infield blern rule is in effect, right?" "Except for the word "blern" that was complete gibberish." Leela replied. The blernsball fell into a hole and indescribable mayhem ensues! Everyone, including Derpy, cheered at the mayhem which had multiple blernsball shot out rapidly, the player riding over exploding bases with a scooter, and a giant spider coming out. "...What just happened?" "Miller's on a pace to hit 70 blerns!" "He's good all right." The professor replied "But he's no Clem Johnson. And Johnson played back in the days before steroid injections were mandatory. "Clem Johnson?" Bender replied "That skin bag wouldn't have lasted one pitch in the old Robot Leagues! Now Wireless Joe Jackson, there was a blern hitting machine! "Exactly!" Leela replied "He was a machine designed to hit blerns! I mean come on! Wireless Joe was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels. "Oh and I suppose pitching at 5000 was just a modified howitzer." "Yep." "You humans are so scared of a little robot competition you won't even let us on the field." "But I'm not a human." Derpy commented. "Fine! You Meatbags are what I just said." " What are you talking about?" Fry asked "There's all kinds of robots down there." "Yeah doing crap work! They're bat boys, ball polishers, sprinkler systems. But how many robot managers are there?" "Eleven?" "21?" Derpy asked in a strange voice "Zero!" Bender yelled, throwing his bottle on the floor and it breaking it. A small robot came out and cleaned up the mess "And what a surprise! Look who's scraping up the filth! Is it a human child? I wish!" "Oh dear Lord!" The professor yelled, leaning forward and clutching his chest "What's wrong!?" Fry asked in panic. "Heimlich maneuver!" Derpy yelled "It's..." the professor spoke "my...new pager!" He took his pager out of his lab coat and turned it on. A holographic image of Hermes appeared in front of him. "This is Hermes." he spoke "A package just came in. Everyone is to return to the office immediately." Everyone grumbled at the news. A pigeon lands next to Hermes' image. "Get away you filthy bird! Shoo! Professor turn me off quick!" "I'm sorry what?" The bird took off with the hologram, Hermes screaming in pain. Derpy and Bender laughed together at the sight. "See you all at the office!" In the office, Bender, Fry, Leela, and Derpy sat on the table. Both Fry and Leela scratched Derpy, Fry with her ears and Leela on her... butt. Bender was yelling at them "Admit it!" He yelled "You all think robots are machines built by humans to make their lives easier. "Well, aren't they?" Fry asked "I've never made anyone's life easier and you know it!" "I beg to differ." Derpy replied, though sounding relaxed. Farnsworth and Hermes entered the room, though Hermes was bandaged up. "Great news everyone!" The Professor announced "You'll be delivering a package to Chapek 9. A world where humans are killed on sight!" "Why is that great news?" Fry asked "I'm glad you asked that question, Fry. You see Chapek 9 was colonised centuries ago by a murderous crew of radical robot separatists. "Oh so just 'cause a robot wants to kill humans that makes him 'radical'?" Bender replied "Hey hold on," Leela spoke "I understand these robots hate humans but how do they feel about humanoid aliens? "...They're not fans." "And what about me?" Derpy asked "...I'm not quite sure, actually. "That's why Bender will have to make the actual delivery." Hermes added "Oh I get it, make the robot do all the work!" Bender whined "This is the first actual work you've ever had to do around here." Leela replied "Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday." "Really?" Derpy asked "Which one? "Only Robanukah. The holiest two weeks on the robot calendar." "Oh come on Bender," Leela spoke "Last month it was Robomadan and before that Robonzaa. "Man that one was a blast!" Fry commented "I can't even remember a single thing." Derpy added "It wasn't just a blast," Bender replied "it was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest. "Now look here Bender," Hermes spoke "I respect your diversity to the extent the law requires but you used up all your days off when you had that bout of Roberculosis." "...All right, I'll go. But so help me, I'll hold a grudge against every last one of you for the rest of your lives." "Well then it's settled!" Farnworth exclaimed "So long everyone!" After a while, the ship approached to Chapek 9. "So let me get this straight," Fry spoke "This planet is completely uninhabited?" "No!" Bender replied in annoyance "It's inhabited by robots!" "Kinda like how a warehouse is inhabited by boxes?" Derpy asked. "Whatever." Everyone stood in the Cargo Bay. Leela pressed a button and the Cargo Door opened with the magnet slowly lowering "OK Bender," Leela said "we're here. It's time to get to work." "Yes Miss Leela," Bender mockingly replied "tote that space barge, lift that space bale." "HI-YA!" Derpy yelled, kicking Bender's leg and making him fall. "I did good, mom! I kicked Bender's ass!" Bender got up and grumbled to himself. Leela picked up Derpy and rustled her mane. "Very good, Derpy!" Leela praised before turning back to Bender "Now we can't land on the surface because those robots will kill us, so we'll have to stay up here and lower you with the winch. And remember: You don't know humans, you don't work for humans, and above all, you don't like humans! "I'll try to keep that in mind." Bender murmured to himself He stepped on & held onto the winch. Leela lowered him to the ground. "Hmm, he seems pretty angry." "Yeah but I guess I'd be angry too if I had to go to some uninhabited planet." Fry replied "Maybe we ought to do something nice for him." Derpy added. In the Ship's Cockpit, everyone decorated the room with banners, paper people and beer available for the adults to drink (Derpy had Root-beer available) "There." Leela spoke "That ought to show that stupid robot we care about him." The phone beeped. "Ah! Bender must be done with the delivery." Fry commented. Leela answered the call; Bender's face appeared on the screen. "I'm in trouble!" Bender panicked "They found out I work with humans and - oh no, oh no!" He was dragged off into the darkness and The phone cutted out. "...Well... we're boned." Derpy commented, opening a bottle of rootbeer and drinking it. "Oh my God!" Fry exclaimed "We have to go down and rescue him!" "No we can't!" Leela replied "They'll kill us on sight!" "Well what are we going to do?" "I don't know, I don't know. It's not an easy decision. If only I had two or three minutes to think about it." "The best I can think of is disguising ourselves as robots." Derpy spoke before drinking her root-beer again. Both Fry and Leela stared at Derpy as she finished her bottle. "...what?" Fry and Leela used Scarp metal to make their costume while Derpy wore her adorable robot costume from Amy. "OK. If we're going to save Bender, we've got to look and act exactly like robots." Leela spoke "I am fully operational Captain." Fry replied in a robotic voice "We have to walk like robots, talk like robots and if necessary solve complex differential equations like robots." "I can sort of dance like a robot. Will that help?" Fry sort of danced like a robot. "Ugh, Fry first of all this is serious. And second of all." Leela danced like a robot. "Both of you are cute," Derpy commented, "but this is how you dance like a robot!" Derpy did the robot herself, which impressed both Fry & Leela. They lowered themselves to the surface on the winch and, they saw a huge robot complex. "Man, we look stupid." Fry commented "We should've gotten store bought costumes." "You looks stupid," Derpy replied "I'm adorable!" "Yeah, she's right," Leela agreed "and there wasn't a Woolworth's in this quadrant." They reach the gates of the complex but are stopped by two huge robot guards. "Halt!" The one on the right ordered "Be you robot or human?" The left asked "Robot...we be." Leela replied "Uh yup!" Fry agreed "Just three robots out roboting it up!" He does his robot dance "Eh?" "Administer the test." The left spoke "Which of the following would you most prefer?" The right asked "A: A puppy? B: A pretty flower from your sweetie or C: A large properly formatted data file?" "Choose!" Fry and Leela whisper to each other about the answer. Derpy walked to the robots "Pwease sir?" Derpy asked "We've been widicuwed by the humans and we seek a new home for our famiwy. Can't you wet us pass?" Derpy did her Bambi eyes. "...Oh man!" The right exclaimed "Her cuteness levels... are off the charts!" "Don't fall for it!" The left replied "That's a human thing!" "Can't... head... going to-" His head exploded. "...oh crap. Uh... I... guess you can pass now. Just... oh crap, now I see how cute you are." His head exploded as well. Derpy laughed evilly as she rubbed her foreleg's hooves together. They continued on their way and walked down an empty corridor. "Now if you see any robots, just stay out of their way." Leela spoke An alarm went off and Hundreds of robots come out of doors from all sides towards them. Though Leela & Fry were pushed, Derpy stood still... along with lines of robots exploding around her like dominoes. Another alarm went off in the next minute and the robots were gone." Derpy picked through the destroyed robots, taking their money off of them. "So far, so good!" Derpy chuckled to herself, placing the money in her boots. They approached a robot construction worker giving directions to a crane, building a mutli-colored wall of blocks in different, shapes of 4 blocks. "Have you seen this robot?" Leela asked, showing him a picture of Bender as a magician. "Sorry, can't help you." He replied. Derpy began to whistle a tune. "HIGH SCORE!!!" The crane yelled, blocking multiple blocks down, each disappearing. They continued on their way, but Both Derpy and Fry were now awkwardly walking . "Come on you two," Leela ordered "Walk like a robot. "I can't!" Fry replied "I have to go to the bathroom!" "Me too!" Derpy added "I gotta potty!" "Robot's don't have bathrooms." Leela replied "Oh right." Fry replied "I wonder where they all smoke in high school?" "POTTY!!!" Derpy exclaimed, now hopping up & down. "Just go behind those garbage cans!" Leela replied "I'll stand guard" Both Fry and Leela ran to the garbage cans. Derpy jumped into a garbage can while Fry did his business outside. Derpy could hear a robot outside talking to Fry, though she was glad that no one could find her, doing her own business of waste in waste. The robot zoomed away and Derpy stuck her head out, smelling the fresh air. Leela was about to sneeze, but Derpy stopped her from sneezing. Fry & Derpy let out a sigh of relief as Leela stopped, but was followed by Derpy sneezing herself. A robot nearby stopped and gave a mechanical shriek. Leela kicks it over and they ran off. "Intruder alert! Intruder alert!" A voice yelled throughout the loudspeakers "Quick! Let's duck in here!" Leela yelled. They ran inside a movie theater, where a horror movies of the 1950s complete with an all-American college boy and his beautiful yet naïve girlfriend, but with robots instead of humans. Out from a bushes in said movie, a human (actually a robot actor wearing a human costume) appears out of some bushes, tearing off the male robot's head off and eats it I will eat, then shows off it's 'organs'. The crowd gasped at the sight. "Wow the 3-D's great!" Fry exclaimed "Mine's not working!" Leela replied, moving the 3D glasses back and forth over her eye. "This movie sucks." Derpy commented. In the movie the human stumbles around, breathes fire and finally collapses. It has an arrow in its back. The female robot and a Robot General approach it, commenting on how 'indestructible' it was until it died from a stick in it's back. The general points into the camera at the audience saying humans can be anywhere, including the movie theater. Every robot, including Fry, screamed Everyone walked out of the theater. "OK. Keep an eyeout for Bender." Leela spoke. Two robots approached them "So what did you think of the movie?" One of them asked "Umm, too much romance, not enough human killing." Fry answered "Yeah, it was a real chick flick." The other replied "It sucked to me." Derpy added. A loud fanfare was heard. "What's that?" Leela asked "What do you mean "What's that?"?" The first robot asked "Its 5 o'clock: Time for the daily human hunt!" The robots all take out weapons of different sorts and file off in the same direction. Everyone else followed. "Try to stay with the crowd so no one notices how crummy you look." "Awww that was uncalled for!" A crummy robot that looked like Fry replied "Other way, mom." Derpy spoke. All the robots congregate around a platform. On the platform stood another robot, this one older looking and with a banner in Lite Brite labeled 'Mayor'. "Welcome to a very special human hunt." He announced "We have with us today a guest who's irrational hatred of humans makes me look like a human sympathiser!" The crowd laughed at the joke "A newly arrived refugee from Earth, lets hear it for: Bender!" Bender emerged from the shadows and stood at the microphone. "It's him!" Fry shouted "He's OK!" "Death to humans!" Bender yelled. The crowd cheered "Ahh! It's good to hear his voice!" "Many said I was too extreme when I first called for the annihalation of the human species, as well as some of the more cunning monkeys. But after living on Earth I can tell you that I am, if anything, too merciful!" The crowd cheered again. "My God! He's become evil." "Ahem?" Derpy spoke. "Uh... I mean eviler." "Thank you, thank you." Bender continued "And if you enjoyed that diatribe then you'll want to purchase my spoken word album," He pulled out an album with a picture of Bender on it and with it's title 'Bender Lets Loose'. " just 18.95! Act now and you'll get this Bender action figurine." He pulled out a tiny toy of himself with a sting on it's back. He pulled the string and the action figurine spoke, in a smaller voice 'Bite my shiny metal ass!'. The robots pulled money out and wanted to buy Bender's crap. "Let the hunt begin!" The mayor announced Many of the robots ran out to hunt for humans, though a crowd, including Fry, Leela, and Derpy, stuck with Bender. "Now. Your basic human is between three and twenty five feet tall and is made of a hairy, oily goo wrapped in a t-shirt." Bender explained "Is it true they bite your neck, suck your transmission fluid and then you become a human?" A robot asked "Sure, why not?" "Dumbass." Derpy commented. "Anything in the trap?" The mayor asked. There was a large mouse trap with the sign 'Free Butter' on a stick of butter on a plate. "Nothing." Bender replied "Today's active humans prefer a low calorie bait." "Well that makes 146,000 unsuccessful hunts in a row. But I've got a good feeling about tomorrow." "Wait, what's that?" Bender pointed at an abandoned building "Oh, that's the old abandoned adult book store. Nothing in there except a few mouldy old shreads of robot pornography. "Hmmm, sounds like a breeding ground for humans. I'd better check it out." "We better follow." Leela whispered Bender looked through robot porn; circuit diagrams. "Oh yeah!" Bender spoke to himself "You're a bad girl aren't you? "Psst! Bender!" Fry whispered. Bender jumped and stuffed the porn into his chest "Huh? Wha? You! What the hell are you doing here?" "We've been looking for you. Last we heard you were under arrest as a human sympathiser." "I was, but they let me go when I told them that I'd killed a million billion humans." "Good for you," Leela replied "Now lets all get back to the ship." "What for?" "We're rescuing you." Derpy replied "I don't wanna be rescued." "Say what?" "I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame and access to sleaze that those things bring." "But Bender, we're your friends." Fry pleaded "Friends? That activates my hilairity unit! I'm just a machine to you. You're no more friends with me than you are with the toaster, the phonograph or the electric chair." "That's not true!" Derpy repelled "Well that's how it feels to me!" Bender turned around and stayed silent "...Bye Bender. I'll miss you." "Go on, get out of here before you get caught." "Bender, good news!" The Mayor announced as he entered. "Your album just went gold! What the? "It's the humans!" Another yelled "Bender! Do something!" "Ahem." Derpy spoke. The robots looked down at her. She placed her costume's head back on and did her bambi eyes. Without any words, all the robots heads exploded. "...Aw Crap!" Bender yelled "There goes my money! Oh well, we might as well go. Everyone ran outside, where the robots saw them, yelling 'humans!' over and over. They ran towards the winch with hundreds of robots chasing them. They jumped onto it and Leela presseed the button. "So long suckers!" Derpy mocked. The robots began to stand on each others shoulders and pile up "Uh, hello suckers!" "Hey hold on a second I forgot to deliver the package." He tossed the package to the robot on top. He lost his balance and fell with the rest of the robots, the package bursting open with Lugnuts. The robots cheered as everyone else made their escape. In the cockpit, Bender saw the decorations "Wow, I can't believe you guys did all this for me!" Bender asked in surprise "This is the best Robanukah ever!" "We wanted to show you that we really do respect your robot heritage." Fry replied "Aww, thanks! You do know I made Robanukah up to get out of work right?" "Of course." Leela replied "But that doesn't make it any less meaningful!" Derpy added "In that case - let the dancing begin!" Bender announced Fry, Leela, and Derpy did do their robot dances. "Hey you guys are good. How the hell do you do that!?" Several shots were taken: Everyone serving a glass of martini, Bender with a cake, Fry, Leela, and Derpy lifting Bender as he sat on a chair, Bender holding a broken beer bottle to Fry's neck with Derpy holding a broken chair leg as a weapon, a group shot together, and Derpy puking with a bottle of Bender's beer next to her. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
Science is fun!Derpy sat on one of the tables is the Professor's personal lab. The giant bird from earlier sat in it's cage, slowly turning what was a demonic looking thing, listening to something in French. Professor Farnsworth came back witrh a stack of papers about as big as Derpy herself. "Now Derpy," the professor grunted as he slammed the pile next to her "we're going to test your I.Q. to see where you stand in the intelligence department." "Are you saying I'm stupid?" Derpy asked with a low growl. "Oh no, we just need to see how overdeveloped, or undeveloped, you are in most areas, measure it up, and test how smart you are." Derpy gave Farnsworth the best evil eye, but it made her look adorable than frightening, making him laugh. "Hehehe, if cuteness were part of it, then you'd exceed over everything else. Have fun!" He turned and left, locking Derpy inside. Derpy pulled a piece of paper and looked at it. Choose the right spelling. ALSO Remember this: blue, red, blue, yellow. A. Antidistestablishmenterianism B. The right speling C. Antidisestablishmentarianism D. Antidistastalishmentarianisem E. Antidisastablishmenterianism Define the answer to #1. A. Opposition to the withdrawal of state support or recognition from an established church, esp. the Anglican Church in 19th-century England. B. Opposition to the separation of church and state. C. The manner in which letters are put together to form words correctly. D. Opposition to reformed education prospects and undefined healthcare propositions. E. Opposition to the use of non-human animals in research and development projects, esp. for purposes of determining the safety of substances such as foods or drugs. Unscramble this country name inamrtaiua Unscramble this animal name. clakb-ltidea crjbatbkia What does MMORPG stand for? A. Multi-media online role played game B. Massively multiplayer online role playing game C. Multi millionaires of River Park Gates D. Multiple-man option rugby players game E. Millimeters of rapid penetration of gas What does HTML stand for? A. An internet function that allows the use of macron listing. B. Hurtful, Terrible, Mean Language. C. That which continues to allow majenta an Internet presence. D. Hyper Text Markup Language E. HelpTest Marking Lister What does EBITDA mean? A. Earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation and amortization. B. Earnings before interpoliticizing, taxes, deceleration and apprecition. C. Emerson Brettson's inheritance denerezation annual. D. None of the above. E. It does not exist. What is origin of the world "mistletoe"? A. Anglo-Saxon for "dung on a stick." B. Anglo-Saxon for "double leafed stem." C. Hebrew for "red berry stem." D. Hebrew for "hidden fruit." E. Dutch for "evergreen." In 2007, more people were killed in Chicago, IL, USA than soldiers in Iraq. A. False B. True Which US government official is second in line of succession to the US presidency? A. Secretary of the Treasury B. Secretary of State C. President Pro Tempore of the U.S. Senate D. Speaker of the House of Representatives E. President of the Senate The Byzantine Empire was the western half of the later Roman Empire. A. True B. False Which empire was not included in ancient Mesopotamia? A. Sumer B. Akkadian Empire C. Babylonian Empire D. Assyrian Empire E. Ashur Which elements does it take to spell "nerds" using the chemical symbols on the Periodic Table of Elements? A. Nitrogen, einsteinium, radon, sulfur B. Neon, rubidium, dysprosium C. Nitrogen, erbium, darmstadtium D. Nickel, einsteinium, ruthenium, silicon What atomic number of an element on the Periodic Table answers the math problem of the atomic number of nitrogen times the atomic number of magnesium? A. Fluorine B. Actinium C. Radon D. Polonium E. Neodymium Who is the lead singer of My Morning Jacket? A. Roger Daltrey B. James Jim C. Jim James D. Bob Roberts E. Rob Rodgers What is Roger Daltrey's middle name? A. Edin B. Harry C. Henry D. Peterson E. Alex You went to the store and got 100 packs of gum. Each pack cost $1.50. You give half to your friend. How much did you spend on yourself? (Write it in correct dollar format w/ cents.) Remember? A. Red, yellow, yellow, blue B. Blue, red, blue, yellow C. Red, green, yellow, red D. Green, yellow, blue, red What does hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia mean? What shape was the original game of monopoly? 3, 9, 33, 129... What is the next number? The US has won every war in which what animal was used? A. Dogs B. Mules C. Horses D. Pigeons Which list contains all of the US presidents who were born in Britain? A. Washington, J. Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Taylor, Garfield, and W. Harrison B. J. Adams, Jefferson, Madison, and Monroe C. Washington, J. Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, J. Q. Adams, Jackson, and W. Harrison D. J. Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Hancock, Franklin, and W. Harrison E. Coolidge, Madison, Monroe, J. Q. Adams, Taylor and W. Harrison What is Cockney rhyming slang for "curry"? A. Doris Day B. A la mode C. Ruby Murray D. Abergavenny E. Dancing Bears You have 23 apples and you take away 12. How many do you have? A. 11 B. 12 C. 23 D. 121 E. None What percentage of your brain are you said to be using at one time? A. 10% B. 20% C. 3% D. 95% E. 50% 27. Name this animal. A. Chimaera Fish B. Plesiosaurus C. Blade Fish D. Palenesaurus Hybrid E. Camera Fish What year did this event take place? 29. What is this called? A. Full Pallete B. Full Measure C. The Grand Staff D. The Ledger Line What is the average IQ, by definition? There are 7 months with 31 days. How many months have 28? Now that you know what cockney rhyming slang is, translate this to normal English: rub-a-dub-dub. There is a one story house on Elm St. that is all purple- the roof is purple, the walls are purple, the floor is purple, the ceilings are purple, the chairs are purple, the tables are purple, etc. What color are the stairs? A box manufacturer has the option of producing hat boxes as right rectangular prisms or as cylinders. If the hats are y inches high and x( to the power of 2) inches wide at the widest part of the brim, write a ration of the surface area of the smallest possible prism to the surface area of the smallest possible cylinder. Simplify the ratio as much as possible. If on a computer there's 15 different programs and you can only use 5 each day, how many different combinations are there? 36. Find the measure of angle x Under ordinary conditions, what direction does water drain from a sink in the Northern Hemisphere? A. Clockwise B. Counterclockwise C. Unpredictable Which is the largest order of insect? A. Coleoptera B. Diptera C. Lepidoptera D. Orthopetera 39. Sudoku RulesThere is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 exactly once.Find "x" 40. Sudoku RulesThere is only one rule: Every row, column and section of 9 variously arrayed cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 exactly once.Find "x" Who is this quote attributed to? I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. A. Franklin D. Roosevelt B. Albert Einstein C. Alfred Maddock D. Guenther Rosner E. Dwight D. Eisenhower This song is by Led Zeppelin and is played backwards. What song is it? What is the shortest non-elliptical complete sentence in the English language? (no punctuation) What always ends everything? What English word retains the same pronunciation, even after you take away four of its five letters? A penny's volume is 360 millimeters cubed. If it has a quart capacity, how many pennies can you put into a empty piggy bank? How many letters are in the alphabet? If there are 46 teaspoons of sugar on the counter and you take 13 away, how many do you have? If I say "Everything I tell you is a lie," am I telling you the truth or a lie? A. Truth B. Lie It is an insect, and the first part of its name is another insect. What is it? What is the 9 letter common word in English that will continue to be a real, commonly used English word after you take away one letter at a time until there is only one left? What is the largest amount of money you can have in coins without being able to make change for a dollar? What does "karaoke" mean in Japanese? A. To sing B. Empty orchestra C. Many instruments D. No voice E. Type of raw fish What is the most common name in the world? A. Chen B. George C. Muhammed D. Li E. Jack What is the meaning of the word "lethologica"? A. To be in a life or death situation B. Instruments of death C. The state of tiredness D. To be partly illiterate E. The state of not being able to remember the word you want to Who coined the word, "nerd"? A. Lewis Carrol B. William Shakespeare C. Dr. Seuss D. James Joyce E. Sir Thomas Brown -40 degrees Farenheit is what in Celsius? A. -40 degrees B. -76 degrees C. -21 degrees D. 0 degrees E. 21 degrees If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white. A. True B. False The ages of a father and son add up to 66. The father's age is the son's age reversed. How old could they be? (separate by a comma and space, father's age first) I am the owner of a pet store. If I put in one canary per cage, I have one bird too many. If I fill the cages by putting in two canaries per cage, I have one cage too many. How many canaries do I have? What is the longest word in the dictionary? What kind of cheese is made backwards? If you are on a Mac using terminal what does the command Killall Dock do? What color was question 41 written in? A. Black B. Gray C. Green D. Blue E. Yellow What color was question 59 written in? Derpy growled to herself and bucked the piles of paper down! "He made you take those questions too?" Pazuzu asked in a somewhat evil voice. "I remember when he made me take that quiz myself." "Really?" Derpy replied "Well... what's the answers?" "He doesn't know himself, really. He puts all your answers in a scanner and determine what you are." "Well I'm tired of this crap! I want to do something fun!" "Hm... perhaps I can help, petit poney. Let me out of my cage and we'll do something fun!" "FINALLY!!!" Derpy ran to Pazuzu's cage and opened it. A couple of hours passed, and Farnsworth came back inside, but stopped as there were papers everywhere on the floor, a small machine beeping, and the fact that both Pazuzu & Derpy sat together, wearing goggles, though Derpy had a flask on her head, bubbling green liquid. "Pazuzu!" The professor yelled, shaking his fist "Get back in your cage!" "But Grandpa," Derpy pleased "Pazuzu and I were going to make the ultimate death weapon." "I don't care! And why the hell am I grandpa!?" "Please," Pazuzu replied "we've been making this, and we theorize that, with a click of this button, somewhere, a planet will explode!" "Explosions are fun!" Derpy added, clapping her hooves "And this type of science is fun!" "No fair!" The Professor replied "I wanted to explode a planet!" "Well c'mon! Press the button! The Science Button!!!" The professor walked to it, but Derpy and pressed it "3-2-1-EXPLOSIONS!!!" Rather than something exploding in the galaxy, killing millions of innocent lives, a single muffin appeared in front of them. Everyone froze. "...It made a muffin?" Pazuzu asked. Derpy pressed the button again. Another muffin. "Two muffins?" The Professor added. Derpy began to press the button multiple times and multiple muffins appeared. "IT'S A MUFFIN BUTTON!!!" Derpy cheered "THIS IS AWESOME!!!" She pressed the button faster than anyone's eyes can see and multiple muffins began to ovewrflow the room. "Back to the cage!" Pazuzu yelled, running back into his cage. "Stop!" Farnsworth pleaded "The building can't take it all!" "MUST... HAVE... MORE... MUFFINS!!!" Derpy yelled. The place fell apart as nothing more than a large pile of muffins was around. Derpy took a bite out of one of the muffins, enjoying herself, but stopped. Her pupils shrunk, followed by her cheeks perking up. She vomited. "Toothpaste and Orange Juice!?!?!?" She screamed again, running to a local pawn shop, stopped and bought herself a baseball, then returned, destroying the muffin button in the process. Her machine now laid in pieces, somehow, mixed with an electronic alarm clock. All the muffins turned into toothpaste and Orange juice, dripping into the drains to the sewers, along with the annoyed groans of the sewer mutants below. Farnsworth walked to Derpy as she began to cry. "There, there." He patted on her back. "It's alright. Everything's going to be fine." "Fine!? How's this 'fine'!? My doomsday device didn't go as planned, and though I loved the idea of a muffin button, they taste like crap! I'm beyond stupid!" She rolled into a ball as owls landed around her, pecking her and taking bits of muffins from her coat & mane. "Oh please! What you did was an accident, and even the most brilliant of us mad scientists make mistakes." Derpy's ears perked, followed by her head. "They-they do?" "Of course they do! Why, half of my inventions blew up in my face, but I never gave up, and soon, with determination, and a crap load of money, I was able to build many of the things, including the planet express ship, though that's still slowly changing." "Changing?" "Small changes to improve things that mattered and got rid of things that don't matter; I'm not like George Lucas after destroying his two famous franchises!" Derpy sniffed and smiled. "Aw... thanks Grandpa." "I'm not your-" Derpy hugged Farnsworth, stopping him as she rubbed her head on his chin. Farnsworth froze, but patted Derpy's head. "Oh Derpy, now I can see why everyone loves you. Come on, you're really quite intelligent." "Really!?" "Well not on my level, but close enough. Come, I think your destroyed machine can be used for something better." "Like what? A Death Clock?" "... that sounds genius! Measure someone's time they have left before they die! We are progressing the study of science by not asking 'why', 'but why not!?'!" Derpy gasped "Yeah! When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade; Make life take the lemons back!!!""That's right! GET MAD!!!" "I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS!!! WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO BE DOING WITH THESE!?!?!?" "Yes! Demand to see Life's manager!" "We'll make life rue the day that it can Farnsworth's and Hooves' Lemons!!! Do you know who we are!? We're the ones that are gonna burn your house down!!! ... With the Lemons!" "We're going to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!" People stared at the two awkwardly & in silent. "...Screw you all!!! Come! We've got lives to threaten!" Derpy snickered evilly as she rubbed her forelegs together, following Farnsworth into the destroyed planet express building to invent the Death Clock. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
A Fishfull of Dollars.In Fry's Bedroom, Fry woke up by squeaking bed springs from the apartment next door. "I can't take it anymore!" He growled to himself "They've been at it for hours!" He began to bang his fist on the wall "Give it a rest, you two!" A loud banging was heard, and he squeaking stopped, though footsteps were heard. Said footsteps were heard outside, then entered the apartment, and in Fry's bedroom, Derpy came in with blood shot red eyes, but had a smile on her face. She walked & jumped onto the bed, yawned, and flopped onto the bed, easily falling asleep. "Nice... and quiet." She murmured to herself. Soon, she began to lightly snore. Derpy found herself in a packed lecture hall. An old mare wearing frosted half-moon glasses and had grey hair stood in front of the room, and Derpy found herself surrounded by other ponies. "Good morning, everypony!" The mare announced "I trust you've all prepared for today's final exam." "Uh, excuse me?" Derpy asked "Where am I and what subject is this?" "Ancient Egyptian algebra, Ms. Derpy." She pointed at a blackboard filled with Egyptian hieroglyphs. "... It says it's 21." "Miss Derpy!? Are those your underpants?" "Underpants?" Derpy stood up and looked down, seeing that she was wearing only briefs. The whole class laughs and points. "...I don't get it." "Young ma'am, I think it's time you learned a lesson about Lightspeed brand briefs." She pulls down a poster showing red briefs. "Lightspeed fits today's active lifestyle!" A voice announcer spoke out of nowhere. "Whether you're on the job-" Derpy suddenly found in a company meeting wearing just Lightspeeds, though still confused "Or having fun!" Derpy sat next with the same, mysterious, brown Stallion on a bed. Just a pair of lightspeeds appear in front of a flashing background. "Lightspeed briefs, style and comfort for the discriminating crotch!" Derpy's head stuck out of the bottom left corner. "But I'm always naked." She replied. Derpy and Fry woke up at the same time. "What a weird dream!" Fry exclaimed "Did it involve briefs?" Derpy asked "Yeah... how'd you know?" "Lucky guess. Well, I'm going back to sleep." "You can, but I'll never get back to sleep!" Derpy watched as he fell asleep instantly. In the Planet Express Lounge, The staff sat around the table. Both Fry & Derpy shared what happened last night, though everyone though Derpy's was funny and, a tad bit weird as it was true she walked around naked except for a few occasions. "So you're telling me they broadcast commercials into people's dreams?" Fry asked "Of course." Leela replied "But, how is that possible?" "It's very simple." The professor explained "The ad gets into your brain just like this liquid gets into this egg." He held up an egg and injects it with liquid. The egg exploded, covering him and everyone in yolk. "What the-!?" Derpy yelled "So we're going to explode!?" "Oh no, in reality, it's not liquid, but gamma radiation. And no, you're not going to explode; that's only under microwave radiation." "That's awful." Fry commented "It's like brainwashing!" "Didn't you have ads in the 20th century?" Leela asked "Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio. And in magazines and movies and at ball games, on buses and milk cartons and T-shirts and bananas and written on the sky. But not in dreams. No, sir-ee!" "Quit squawking, flesh wad!" Bender replied "Nobody's forcing you to buy anything." "Yeah," Amy added "I mean we all have commercials in our dreams but you don't see us running off to buy brand-name merchandise at low, low prices." Everyone sat for a while with a long silence and awkwardly looked at each other. "... SALE!!!" Derpy yelled. Everyone ran outside, heading to the nearest Department store: Alien Overlord & Taylor The Planet Express staff enter the department store; the Professor & Zoidberg went one way, Fry another, leaving Leela, Amy, Bender, and Derpy together. Immediately, their group encountered a saleswoman at the cosmetics stand. "Hi! Care to sample the latest fragrance from Calvin Clone?" The saleswoman asked "No thanks." Amy replied. The saleswoman sprayed her. Amy curses in Cantonese and walkwed away, rubbing her eyes., leaving Bender and Derpy with the saleswoman. "And you, sir?" "No thanks," Bender spoke, putting Derpyh inside his chest "I-" The saleswoman sprays him. Bender gavbe her a death glare, but his head rotated. Derpy popped up with a spray can and sprayed the saleswoman. Both laughed as she coughed and fell to the floor unconscious. "Ah, seeing pain like that is hilariously cruel. Stay with Leela; I gotta... find some things." "Don't get caught, Uncle." Derpy replied. "Ah, I won't." He handed Leela Derpy immediately and ran into the menswear, taking a green sweater off & wearing it. "Unlce Bender's looking for some goods; Hopefully, he's fine with the wad of cash I left for him inside." "Ah, how generous." Leela commented. "It should be enough for a bail." "... okay." After a while, both Leela and Derpy sat on a chair at the cosmetics stand. A cosmetologist brushed away their fringes "What lovely faces." she commented "We just need to draw attention away from the eye area." She zaps both of their faces with something and then holds up a mirror. Leela sees her reflection and sighs; The woman plastered her face in lipstick, making her look like a clown. Derpy screamed as her face turned to what looked liked a monster. Luckily, they were fixed immediately, though Derpy knew that, if another advertisement didn't came, she'd have nightmares from it. Amy came back, helping Derpy out by picking some clothes that she should wear as both part of the job and a way to avoid being labeled a 'flasher' or 'streaker'. The clothes they found there four things; a mailman hat, button up shirt, pants, and a bag with a muffin as it's pin, all of which Derpy enjoyed putting on & trying out, though the windows broke from her appearance. Bender came along with his green sweater and what seemed like things under it. "Hey, Bender!" Amy greeted "Great new sweater." "New!?" Bender lied "What sweater? I came in with it. I don't know you people!" He walked away, followed by a hovering CCTV camera. "Huh... that's weird. Ok look: Fry!" They walked over to Fry, who looked down, though he seemed to be purchasing Lightspeed Breifs. "Hey! You're springing for Lightspeed? Pretty ritzy!" "No, I can't afford them." Fry replied "Being poor sucks. What kind of world is this where they advertise things not everybody can afford?" "Quiet!" Derpy yelled "T.V.!" Derpy pointed at the screen, where an old woman wearing a large, green dress & an apron around her front, sat in a rocking chair. "Hello, shoppers." she spoke to the audience "It's me, Mom." "Hey who's the rocker jockey?" Fry asked "Guh! It's Mom; The world's most huggable industrialist." Amy replied "ECH!!!" Derpy commented. "Call me old-fashioned," Mom continued "but when my robot starts to squeak like an old screen door, well, that's when I reach for a can of Mom's Old Fashioned Robot Oil." "Mmm, tasty!" Bender commented "And remember: Mom's oil is made with 10% more love than the next leading brand!" A picture of Mom's robot oil was shown with the logan 'Made with 10% More love than the next leading Brand'. ""Mom", "love" and "screen door" are registered trademarks of Momcorp." a voiceover spoke. Bender began to squeak loudly. "Hey, Bender." Fry spoke "Sounds like you could use a little of that oil." Some tins fell out of Bender's sweater. Seven hovering CCTV cameras surround him, making him look up. "I'm boned." Bender spoke. "Freeze, scuzzbot!" A police officer yelled. Derpy jumped out of Leela's arms and balanced on her hind legs. "There's obviously been some sort of a mistake here!" Derpy pleaded, only for more tin cans to fall out. "I'm sure there's-" More fall out. "I say I'm sure there's-" Even more fall out. "That is, I'm sure there's ... a very ... reasonable-" Everything fell. Everyone stood inside the New New York Police Department, Fry counting all the money the pitched in. "Do we have enough money to pay Bender's fine?" Amy asked "78, 79, 79.50." Fry counted "Crud! We're 50 cents short." "I'd love to chip in but Bender stole my wallet." Leela added "Yes... Bender." Derpy spoke, shifting her eyes. Fry looked through a window and sees the Big Apple Bank. "Hey, that's my old bank!" Fry spoke "Maybe my account's still open. They made it to the bank, where Fry stepped forward to the desk. A machine scans his eye. "Hmm, We don't seem to have your retina scan, your fingerprint or your colonic map on file." The teller informed "Yeah, well, I did open the account over a thousand years ago." Fry replied "What about my ATM card?" The teller pulled out an ATM machine from under the desk and blows the dust off it, causing Derpy to sneeze. "Do you still remember your PIN number?" "Sure! It's the price of a cheese pizza and a large soda back where I used to work; Panucci's Pizza." "OK, you had a balance of 93 cents." "Alright!" "Weak." Derpy commented. "And at an average of two-and-a-quarter percent interest over a period of 1000 years, that comes to ... $4.3 billion." The Teller continued. Fry and Derpy stared for a moment before hyperventilating and foamed at the mouth, followed by them fainting. Everyonbe in the planet expresss crew celebrated, all wearing top hats and drinking champagne (minus Derpy, who blew bubbles from a pipe) "I know Fry's rich, but do we really have to wear these top hats?" Leela asked "Maybe you don't understand just how rich he is." Bender replied "In fact, I think I'd better put on a monocle!" He does. "Ooh!" Derpy spoke "Monocle time!" She put on her own monocle and raised the English flag behind her, along with the head of Dave Chapelle. The time they had together was the closet that they'd live the high life: They went to 'Le Spa' where Fry, Leela, and Derpy got a relaxing massage as Bender got a buffing; They shot expensive paintings fired from a catapult; and they watched the super original Star Wars while torturing the head of Geroge Lucas, begging to show his 'masterpiece' other than what people thought was excellent. Everyone sat together at 'Original Cosmic Ray's Pizza'. "Pizza dinner on me!" Fry spoke with everyone cheering "Just keep the tab under $50 million." A robot chef came out of the kitchen "Yo!" He spoke with a whistles "I haven't got all day. What kind of pizza yous guys want?" "Uh, yeah, We'll have one with everything but anchovies and one with my all time favorite topping, anchovies!" "Invalid selection! Yo, what are you talking about?" "Anchovies? You know? Those little headless fish?" "Does not compute! Does not compute!" His head exploded. Derpy laughed at the sight. "I'm sorry, Fry, but the anchovy has been extinct since the 2200's." Farnsworth spoke "What!?" Fry asked "Oh, my, yes. Fished to death. Just about the time your people arrived on Earth wasn't it, Zoidberg?" "I'm not on trial here." Zoidberg replied defensively. "So none of you has ever had anchovies?" Fry asked "Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were all salty and oily and they melted in your mouth and-" "Stop! Stop! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying "One more can't hurt" and then they were gone. We're sorry!" He held his claws to his head and hung in shame. Derpy walked to him and gave a love tap on his head, followed by looking through his wallet, only to toss is away. "I just wish I could've showed you guys how great they were. I may be rich but I still can't buy back all the things I miss from the 20th century." "Maybe you're forgetting just how rich you are." Bender replied. Both he and Derpy puts on their monocles back on. "Huh? Huh?" Amy, Bender, Derpy, and Leela looked around Fry's new apartment; an original 20th Century apartment. Everyone was confused about the old stuff around. Fry entered through the door. "So? What do you think?" Fry asked "I know you spent a lot of money on this place, Fry," Leela replied "but it's awfully primitive." She stomps on the floor "The floors are made of such hard wood." Derpy stepped on a squeaky part "This is fun!" Derpy exclaimed "Hey! Get a load of this pathetic 20th century TV!"Bender spoke, sitting on a recliner "What's wrong with it?" Fry asked "Well, aside from causing eye cancer, these things had a lousy low-definition picture." "That's true." Amy replied "On a TV like this I bet you couldn't even make out my obscene tattoo." She rolled her sleeve up to reveal her obscene tattoo. Bender whistles and Leela chuckles. "...What's that?" Derpy asked. Leela gasped and covered her eyes. "Cover that up!" Amy rolled down her sleeve. "But I wanna see!" "Only when you're older." They all sat, surrounded by rich people in 'Staadgi & Staadgi Auctioneers'. Fry placed a bid for a skeleton. "I just don't get it." Leela replied "Who's this Ted Danson, and why would you pay $10,000 for his skeleton? "I have an idea for a sitcom." Fry answered "Cheers!" Derpy spoke, drinking tea. "Ah, leave him alone, Leela." Bender replied "So he's going a little wacko with his money. It's OK." "You're just saying that because he bought you that antique robot toy." Leela replied. Bender chuckled "Yeah, it is cute. Wanna try, Derpy?" "Would I!" Derpy replied. They both with the "Knock 'Em, Sock 'Em" toy. Derpy's robot, the blue, punched Bander's red robot's head off, causing him to scream. Derpy laughed hard at the sight. "Now, our final item:" the auctioneer spoke "This unopened can of Angry Norwegian brand anchovies circa 1997.". "Anchovies?" Fry asked "The last known can in existence guaranteed fresh and edible. Do I hear $10,000?" "15,000!" "20!" A man yelled "30!" A Decapodian Woman yelled "No, 40!" "50,000!" Fry yelled The other bidders whisper to each other. "Are you crazy?" Leela asked "It's a can of old fish." "Don't tell me how to spend my money." "50 going once," the auctioneer spoke "twice-" "75,000." a familiar woman's voice spoke Everyone turned and gasped; Mom stood at the back of the room with three men. "Oh, my God!" Leela exclaimed "It's Mom! I've never seen her in person before." "100,000." Fry spoke. More whispering came from the bidders. "Fry, you can't bid against Mom; she's the richest, most powerful person in the world. And she's so adorable." "Adorable!?!?!?" Derpy yelled "Go for the kill, fry!!!" "DERPY!!!" "Well, I suppose I could go as high as ... 300,000." Mom spoke "500!" Fry yelled "Oh, mercy be. A million." "Two." "Six." "14!" "I can see the nice young man really wants those little fish. Nevertheless, I'll bid 23 million." Fry stood up and rose his hand. "One jillion dollars!" Everyone gasped. "Sir, that's not a number." The auctioneer replied. More gasping "Oh. In that case, 50 million." Another gasp. Mom turned to three men behind her- "Well, boys," she spoke "your old mother knows when she's been beat You win, young man. I tip my bonnet to you." Everyone but Derpy d'awwed at the sight. The auctioneer banged his gavel. "What a class act!" He announced "Sold! To the gentleman who bought every item in today's auction." Fry stood up with Derpy, cheering for themselves, but the others "boo" him. Three days had passed and Fry wasn't at work. Leela, Bender, and Derpy checked on Fry to see if everything was fine. Leela knocked on his door. "Fry?" Leela asked "Are you there?" "Eh?" Fry replied from the other side. Leela opened the door and they all walked in. Leela turned on the lights as Fry was on the couch, wearing a brown jacket over a stained white shirt, and only wearing his underwear. "You haven't been to work in three days. What have you been doing?" "I've been sitting right here. I picked up my life exactly where I left off a thousand years ago. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's eight o'clock. Time to get biz-ay!" Fry turned on the stereo and Sir Mix-a-Lot's played. Derpy threw a VHS tape at the stereo, destroying it. "HEY!!!" "You can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music." "I could if you hadn't turned on the lights and Derpy destroyed the $200,000 stereo." "Fry, this isn't healthy. You're living in the past." "I'm rich! I can live whenever I want." "But we're your friends and we live here in the year 3000." "Yeah!" Bender agreed "Now are you gonna come to the squid fights with us or sit here wallowing in your prehistoric junk?" "Squid people are fun!" Derpy added. "Junk?" Fry asked "Maybe you can't understand this, but I've finally found what I need to be happy and it's not friends, it's things." He stood up and walked towards the door. "I'm a thing." Bender replied, sadly though "Just leave me alone." Fry opened the door & Leela and Bender walked out. Derpy followed but stopped "Pwease?" Derpy asked, doing her eyes. Fry groaned and slammed the door on her face. Leela and Bender gasped. Derpy stared with a shocked look, her eyes teared, and outside, a robot pianist played very fitting music. "Derpy?" Leela asked. Derpy sniffed, then began to laugh. "He ignored my cuteness." she spoke with a cackle. "And now... his money... is... MINE!!!" She pulled out a piece of paper with on it, 1077, and Fry's wallet. "Come on! Let's take that bastard's money and teach him what it means to ignore Derpy hooves!!!" "Derpy... that sounds wrong." "I'll split it with you two." "TO THE BANK!!!" Bender yelled. Derpy made herself a new account, but placed 1.43 billion dollars in both Bender's and Leela's accounts, making them all rich. All three sat on the lounge's couch as Farnsworth sat at the table. "You're Fry's relative," Leela spoke "Do you have any idea how he got so crazy?" "Uh, wha?" Farnsworth replied "Oh, yes! They say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad! And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters. Atomic supermen with octagonal-shaped bodies that suck blood out of-" he walked out of the door. Derpy wrote in a journal. "I think we could add my cuteness as a weapon." Derpy spoke to herself, drawing the supermen farnsworth described, thought of, though they shot out hearts. Suddenly she sees a trail of muffins leading out the building... "MUFFINS!" On the other side of the trail, Walt lay waiting with a net and mallet. "Wait, if Fry's poor now. Mom's going in the front to buy the anchovies right now. So why do we need to do this?" Asked Larry. "Between her new wealth and cuteness. She's a potential rival to MOM! Needless to say, Mother feels it best if she takes a LOOONG vacation..." "Will there be Hula dancers?" Asked Igner excited. Walt responds by slapping him across the face annoyed. At that point Derpy jumps in the limbo. "HA! We got you you stupid pony!" ME WANT MUFFINS! The three brothers scream as the limbo flips over with them inside as the little terror goes for the pancreas... While everyone ignores the typical screams of agony and destruction from yet another Derpy rampage outside. Fry entered through the other door. "Leela!" He gasped "Bender! Derpy! "I missed you so much!" Exlamied Fry desperate, having not noticed Derpy wasn't currently in the room. "You did?" Leela asked "What happened?" "I was robbed. They got everything except these." He help up the anchovies. Both Derpy and Bender snickered to themselves. Bender cleared his throat. "Who did?" Bender asked, having a hard time suppressing a laugh. Leela gasped, as Mom stood in the doorway." "Hello, Fry." She spoke "It's Mom!" Leela exclaimed "I feel terrible about your money troubles and I thought maybe-" Derpy screamed as she suddenly jumped into the room and pulled out a gun. "DIE, MOM, DIE!!!" Derpy yelled "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE DERPY HOOVES AND MY ADORABLENESS ALIVE!!!" She fired the laser gun, making everyone scream & sending Mom jumping out the window in fear of her life! Derpy fired nine bullets before the gun overheated. She took in deep breaths before letting out a sigh of relief. "So... how do those anchovies taste like?" The whole staff, except for Zoidberg, gathered around the table. Fry opened the tin of anchovies before putting each small fish on slice of pizza, though still shaken at Derpy's sudden change from calm, to craziness, to calm again. "OK, my friends." Fry spoke "Get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted!" "I don't know, I've had cow." Amy replied. Everyone took a bit our of their pizza slice. Everyone, but Fry and Derpy, enjoyed their slice. "Ah, no one likes them at first but they'll grow on you." "They're so good!" Derpy added, she's so busy stuffing her face she doesn't see one get caught in her mane. Zoidberg came in, sniffing the air. "That stench!" He exclaimed "That heavenly stench!" He ate the rest of the pizza. "More! "There aren't any more." Fry replied "And there never will be." Zoidberg tipped the table over and moves towards Fry & Derpy raising his claws. "More! More! More!!! MORE!!!" Derpy screamed again, pulling out a laser assault rifle and fired everywhere, snapping Zoidberg out of his phase and made everyone fall to the floor, ducking for cover. "Relax creep! Those nice men outside gave me TONS more money if I stopped using their ribcages to sharpen my knives! WE CAN MAKE MORE ANCHOVIES FOR EVERYONE!" She brings out a HUGE bag of money covered in blood. Bender wipes away a bead of battery acid tears, "That's my girl!" ...several weeks later... From her hospital bed, Mom's eye twitches as a news report shows Derpy having bribed farnsworth to use the bit of anchovie caught in her mane to create a super-storm that rains anchovies! It also seems to have gotten Derpy hair mixed in by accident, which turned out to be an even better catalyst then any third world Orphan! Decapodians and Robots were celebrating in the street as they found themselves gorging either on fish or the lovely oil that squirted from the fish! "Where the hell did she even get the money to do this!? Fry didn't have nearly enough for all this!" She screamed as her sales of oil started to plummet... "Oh, we paid the nice pony a large chunk of your money so she'd stop beating us." Explained Igner from the opposite hospital bed while his brothers frantically tried to kick him from their own beds to get him to shut up... FIVE minutes later the boys needed to be moved to ER to get Mom's foot surgically removed from their asses... Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
True organization."Why do I have to look after her!?" Hermes asked. "Because I told you to." The professor replied "You know I can't have kids around here!" "I don't care! If you don't allow her here, then you're fired!" Derpy sat outside Hermes' office, counting her money again and checking her notebook on how expensive or cheap each project was. Herme's office door opened and Farnsworth came out. "Now, Derpy, you'll be with Hermes for a while." "The bureaucrat who files EVERYTHING!?" Derpy asked "Oh, my, yes, but don't worry, he's not too attached to the job, I'm certain he'll make the time for you." "I won't!" Hermes yelled from his office. "Just don't cause too much trouble in there." Derpy walked into Hermes' office, seeing the large bureaucrat filing some papers. "Hello!" Derpy spoke. Hermes didn't reply, but was busy stapling some stuff together. Derpy hopped onto a chair, then jumped onto Hermes' desk. "What cha' doin'?" Still no answer. Derpy sat on her haunches with a noticeable 'Hmph!' as Hermes continued organizing his papers. Just by him working, Derpy felt her eyes getting heavy from boredom, shaking herself awake every now & then. Soon, she fell forwards and napped lightly, but woke up immediately. "I'M AWAKE!!!" Still no response. Derpy grunted to herself, jumped off the table, and sat on a stool on the floor. "Oh look! Loose papers!" Hermes didn't look up. Derpy sighed, sitting on the stool & leaned forward. The stool moved forward & Derpy flared her wings, putting the stool back in it's original position. Derpy then leaned to the right, making the stool follow her, but Derpy shifted her weight back before it went too far. Having something fun now, Derpy began to lean left & right on her stool, rocking it and having fun. A lone owl came next to her and began hooting, followed by Nibbler coming in with a small drum set. Hermes looked up from his papers, but froze as he saw what was happening. "Get out of here you filthy bird!" Hermes yelled, getting up & shooing the owl away. The owl hooted, flying away as Nibbler began to chase it, no question that it was hungry. The owl flew around the room and Nibbler chased after it, crashing & throwing every paper around with the cabinets falling, spreading more papers. Hermes screamed loudly & fainted as the olw flew out of the room, followed by a drooling Nibbler. Derpy looked around the area, but saw something interesting in one of the open cabinets. Derpy peeked inside: a small suit around her size, a badge labeled only '5', and a pair of glasses. She shrugged to herself and put the stuff on, looking like a small, actually huggable bureaucrat that you didn't want to punch in the face. "Huh... I feel important... TIME TO RUIN LIVES!!!" Hermes awoke in his now more than clean office, but saw Derpy filing papers with a dispenser popping out a muffin every few minutes and an open furnace at her left. Derpy looked at some papers carefully. "Crap!" She said, throwing the papers into the furnace. "What are you doing!?" Hermes asked "That could've been important!" "Extra copies of Michael Bay's Tranformers 5 through 69 are important to you?" "No... they're... actually not." "And allowing bureaucrats to work twice as hard with half of the pay?" "Hell no! But-" "And how about letting really lazy people have promotions & soon run the company?" "...Who wrote this stuff!?!?!?" "Idiots who trick other idiots." "Alright, fine, but you've got to get out of my seat or else-" "I would like to do that, but first thing's first; you've got write a document containing all things on why you should take this seat back, including a full paragraph describing how cute I am, the number of things stolen from you, your childhood, two numbers, a childhood drawing, the batman logo, and a video attempt at Nae Naeing to the most unfitting music." "What the-!? Oh you're going to get it you little-" Derpy threw the papers at Hermes, cutting him off. "Swearing at me will also require you to write a ten thousand word essay on why I'm so great, why no one hurt me, and why muffins are the greatest." Hermes grunted to himself, taking the papers away to fill it out, leaving the room. "...Man, it's so fun being a bureaucrat! Ooh! Papers on how to get more money!" 3 Hours later: Hermes came back into his office Derpy had control over, complete with a video of him Nae Naeing it to the original Wii's Mii creator music before it was remixed and the ten thousand word essay on all three things Derpy requested. When he opened the door, he froze and stared as Derpy was dancing along with a green robot dog, Craptrap, Fry & Bender, some strippers (human, humanoid, and robotic), with the heads of Andrew W. K and the entire crew of Jackass with loud music playing. "What in Jamaica is going on here!?" Hermes asked. "We're being payed to do this!" Fry replied "What!? How!?" "I found a loophole in the system!" Derpy announced "Come on everyone! Let's party until our arms drop!" Craptrap's arms fell. "... Aw crap, guess I'm out." He moped to himself, rolling out. "It was a figure of speech." "Oh! ...continue the party!!!" Everyone cheered and continued to party for a few more minutes, as the song changed to one of Andrew's songs. Derpy turned to Hermes "I got the feeling you didn't do everything, but if you want to avoid it, then join the party!" "... I might as well." Hermes spoke, walking in & joining the cramped party. "Bureaucracy is so fun!" "It sure is, Derpy, it sure is." "Especially when you make people's lives a living hell! In fact," she pulled out documents "everyone will have to sign a waiver as soon as this party is over!" Everyone groaned. "NEVER!!!" Bender yelled "PARTY FOREVER!!!" The party ended in a few minutes, and everyone left with documents, signing all the things regarding the party. Both Derpy and Hermes laughed as they left. "That's my little Bureaucrat!" Hermes spoke, rustling Derpy's mane. He then goes back to work while whistling a certain song. "Aw, thanks Uncle Hermes." Derpy replied, rubbing her head Hermes' leg like a cat. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
My Three SunsThe door opened to the lounge room opened, entering Fry, Leela, and Derpy being held in Leela's arms, though Leela wore a green tank top instead of her usual white one. Bender sat down on the couch and watched 'Essence of Elzar', a cooking show presented by Neptunian chef, Elzar. "Hey, I'm Elzar!" He greeted to the audience "Welcome to the show! You know, you don't have to drive all the way to Neptune for great Neptunian food. Today we're gonna kick it up a notch as I show you how to fricassee a mouth-watering Neptunian slug." He hooted and turned on the oven. "Now, while you grease the pan and preheat your oven to 3500 degrees, you're gonna separate the yolk from your genetically-enhanced eggplant and then give the whole thing a good blast from your spice weasel. Bam!" "Hey, what you watching?" Fry asked. Bender jumped and quickly turned the TV off. "Nothing!" Bender replied "Is that a cooking show?" Leela asked "No, of course not! It was ... uh ... porno! Yeah, that's it!" Leela turned the TV back on and saw the program. "Bender! I didn't know you liked cooking!" Derpy giggled, hopping onto Bender's lap. "That's so adorable!" Derpy added "Oh, it's true!" Bender spoke in shame "I've been hiding it for so long." "Don't worry, uncle, I want to be a baker myself! We're practically the same units!" "And it's OK, Bender," Fry added "I like cooking too." Both Fry & Leela walked away. "...Pansy." Bender and Derpy spoke in unison before giggling to themselves. Derpy began to watch with Bender, watching Elzar walk to a giant slug in a glass case. "Of course," Elzar continued "your most important ingredient is this baby right here: The Neptunian slug. You can get it in a can but to really do things right you gotta strangle yourself a fresh one." He pulled the slug out of it's case and it began to grow rapidly. "Now this is why you gotta use cast-iron cookware." He slammed the slug in between it's eye stalks with a frying pan. Bender and Derpy watched and were spooked on what happened next. Bender had to go an meet up with Hermes in his office about him being lazy or something. When he came back, as Fry, Leela, and Derpy played a videogame together. They paused, seeing Bender wearing a chef's hat and an apron. "You're gonna be the ships cook?" Fry asked "Yeah!" Bender replied "We're gonna kick it up a notch. Bam!" "I know you like cooking shows," Leela replied "but you're a robot, you don't even have a sense of taste. "Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top." "OHH!!!" Everyone yelled but Leela, who just stared angrily into space. Fry, Leela, Derpy, and Bender walked down a street called 'Little Neptune'. The place looked run down, and the presence of it had Derpy hold onto Fry's leg out of fear. "So this is Little Neptune?" Fry asked "Yep!" Bender replied "Every chef knows that this is the place to get exotic gourmet ingredients." "Among other things." Leela added. "Let's get the stuff and get outta here!" Derpy practically pleaded. They continued to walk, halfway past a dark alleyway. "Psst!" A man'ce voice spoke, causing Fry to stop, seeing a man in a trench coat. "You want to buy organ?" He opened his coat, revealing human organs pinned to the inside "Fresh and cheap. Ready for transplant!" Derpy held back her barf, seeing the organs. "Ooh! What's this?" Fry asked, pointing at an eyeball "Ah! Is X-Ray eyes. See through anything!" "...Wait a minute! This says' Z-Ray'." "Z is just as good. In fact, is better. Is two more than X." "Hmm, I can see where that would be an advantage. Do you take cash?" Derpy bit into Fry's leg. "OW!!!" Leela came in and quickly pulled the two away, carrying on their walking. "Fry!" Leela yelled, taking Derpy back into her arms "You have to be more careful; Derpy is too young to see something like that!" "I almost puked at that sight." Derpy added, her cheeks perking, but swallowed it down. "Oh, there there, Mama's here." Leela scratched behind Derpy's ears, calming her down "And you're not in the 20th century. You don't know how things work here." "I'm not a little kid, Leela." Fry replied "I grew up in this city. These are my people." He waved to slug looking alien "What up?" "Word!" the alien replied "See?" They entered the market and began look around. "Wow! You guys sell every kind of meat here except human!" "What?" a clerk asked "You want human?" "We have a great sale on horse!" another added. Derpy's cheeks perked at it. She jumped out of Leela's arms, ran to the bathroom, and puked into the toilet. After she finished said, puking, she looked up and noticed that not only was she in the men's bathroom, but the same stallion from the other night & in her dream was next to her, using the sink to wash his forehooves. He stopped washing and turned to Derpy. They both stared at each other for a few moments, not sure what to say to each other. "...Did the Neptunian said they had a sale on horse?" Derpy nodded. "Saw a man selling human organs earlier?" Another nod. "Yeah... Phillip J. Fry is going to be there, believing he can get gills, just to let you know." He turned off the sink and entered the blue box again. "We shall technically meet each other for the first time, soon enough, Derpy." Derpy shook her head. "What!?" She asked "What the hell does that mean!?" "Language! You'll find out on the titanic!" He shut the door to him machine and exited the same way as last time. When it disappeared, Leela kicked the door open and grabbed Derpy. "Quick!" Leela yelled "We have some asses to kick!" After both Derpy & Leela kicked both kicked the asses of two men, who were trying to take Fry's gills, they were back in Planet Express's lounge room. Fry sat at the table while Leela walked around; both Derpy and Bender sat on the couch and watched Elzar. "What the hell were you doing!?" Leela scolded "I warned you to stay away from those guys." "Yeah!" Derpy added "Were it not for that strange stallion, you would have no lungs!" "Ooh! A Stallion!" Bender replied "Was it good looking?" Derpy turned to Bender, but had a recognizable blush on her cheeks. "Uh... No... maybe?" "I'm capable of making my own decisions, Leela." Fry talked back to Leela "Did you ever stop to think I might be happier with gills?" "We'd be happier if you got a brain." Derpy replied. "Ooh!" Bender replied, covering his mouth with his hands. The door opened and Farnsworth entered "Good news, everyone!" The professor greeted. Derpy gasped "Is the Death clock ready!?" Derpy asked "I don't like the sound of that." Bender replied "Not yet," the professor replied "but you'll all be making a delivery to the planet Trisol-" "Here it comes." Bender commented again "A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone." "Thank you, and goodnight." He drank some beer "Uh, Professor," Leela stammered "are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone? "Why, of course! It's just a name! Like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror!" "Uh, Professor-" he shooed everyone away "Off you go. Pleasant trip! In the Ship's Cockpit, Zoidberg and Amy join the crew for the mission as Fry leaned back on his chair, Leela piloting the ship, and Derpy watching her in silence while taking notes. Bender was in Ship's Galley, wearing a chef hat and a new apron which has "To Serve Man" printed on it. Curious for herself, she peeked through the galley to see what Bender was cooking. "Hey, Bender," Fry shouted "how's dinner coming?" "Almost ready!" Bender replied. Derpy watched as he took a Neptunian slug out of a pot of boiling water, putting it on a plate and shoving an apple an apple in it's mouth. "Now for a dash of salt!" He coats the slug in salt and it shrivels up. "Uh-oh!" Derpy shivered at the sight and went back to the cockpit. In the ship's mess, the crew sat around a long table. Bender carves the tiny, deflated slug. "Listen," Leela whispered "this is Bender's first meal and he's a little sensitive. So let's be supportive, OK?" They all nodded and took a bit into their slug. "Oh, dear God!" Derpy screamed. She spat out the slug, followed by everyone else. "That's the saltiest thing I've ever tasted!" Fry commented "And I've once ate a big, heaping bowl of salt!" "Need...Water!!!" Everyone guzzles down a glass of water and once again they spat it out. "Bender! Is this salt water!?" Amy asked "It's salt with water in it if that's what you mean." Bender replied "My vision's fading!" Derpy spoke, her eyes going straight "I think I'm gonna die!" "There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose." "Uh-oh! I shouldn't have had seconds." Zoidberg spoke. After some quick medical attention on everyone's huge dose of salt, they made it to the planet Trisol. Derpy sat on the floor, drinking her 10th water bottle, not even caring about her slightly bloated belly, just only to get rid of the salt inside her mouth. "OK, Fry," Leela replied, holding the package to him "here's the package to deliver. And for once in your life be careful. This is my first visit to the Galaxy of Terror and I'd like it to be a pleasant one." She slaps Fry's hand, who was mimicking her with his hand. "Ow!" he whined "Don't touch anything or talk to anyone. Just go to the palace, drop it off and come right back." "Jeez, will you lay off! I was delivering things before you were born! I think I know what I'm doing." He walks off without the package, but quickly returns for it. Derpy finished her bottle and breathed again. "Still salty!" She spoke "And Fry's gonna mess up!" "Really? What makes you think-?" "Oh you're on!" Bender replied, flashing his cash. "$500 says he won't mess up!" "Bender!" "Oh yeah!" Derpy replied "Well if Fry does mess up, not only will you have to pay me $500, but you'll have to attend a REAL cooking class with your won cash!" Bender gasped. "You bastard!!!" "What's wrong? Chicken!?" Bender's left eye twitched. "You are on!" Everyone entered the castle, where Fry sat on the throne with two Trisolian women at his side fanning him. Bender let out a moan of defeat, paying Derpy her cash. Derpy snickered to herself as she placed the money into her wallet. "So after I specifically asked you not to touch anything, you drank a bottle of strange blue liquid?" Leela asked in annoyance "It could have been poisonous acid!" "Told you." Derpy commented, putting her wallet away. "It could have been." Fry replied "But chances were equally good it was an Emperor." "Excuse me, Your Majesty," A Trisolian spoke with authority in his voice "I am Merg, the High Priest. If I might interject? "You might." "I humbly advise that as your first act you choose a capable Prime Minister. I suggest Gorgak, the previous appointee." "I will be a forceful and effective administrator." another Trisolian spoke, this one sounding very nasal "You know, Fry, I've often thought about becoming a Prime Minister." Bender spoke "I gotta go with Bender." Fry said with no second guess "Yes! In your face, Gorgak!" "That's it!" Leela yelled "Fry, as your captain I order you back to the ship. You are in way over your head!" "Gee, you think so, Captain? I'd better check with my Prime Minister." Bender sat next to him, being cleaned by the female Trisolians. "Stay the course, pal!" Bender offered "Your Highness, a package came for you." Gorgak spoke, giving him the same package Fry was supposed to deliver earlier. "Hey, thanks!" He took the package and opens it. It was a sign saying 'Please Don't Drink The Emperor!' "Wow! This got here just in time." He hung it on the column next to his throne. Inside the place, Derpy, Fry, and Merg were in a room with shelves containing bottles of Trisolians. "This is Your Majesty's harem." Merg spoke "You may choose any of these maidens to be your royal consort." "Um, how about that one?" Fry pointed to a random bottle. "Oh! I didn't realize Your Majesty was into that sort of thing!" "On second thought, I'll take that one." He points to another random bottle. "Hey, whatever you say. I'm not here to pass judgement." "Ooh! This one!" Derpy pulled a bottle out. "...Huh... I didn't realize she was from Japan. How old is she?" "I'm five years old!" They all stared at each other in silence. "You... may want to put that back." Inside the Trisol Palace Throne Room, The crew lounge around enjoying themselves as Leela paced around the room. "Does anyone else think it's odd that a shiftless 25-year-old delivery boy could drop out of the sky, kill the emperor and be rewarded instead of punished?" Leela asked "You don't have to beat around the bush, Leela." Fry replied "We all know who you're talking about ... uh, me, right?" "I don't think you have anything to worry about." Amy replied "These people seem really mild-mannered." "They are mild." Zoidberg replied "In fact, you're soaking in one right now. Amy screamed and took her fingers out of the glass. Gorgak appears from it. "You touched me in ways I've never been touched before." He spoke. "...So I drank one of them!?" Derpy asked, followed by burping a random Trisol out. Merg Entered "Ah, there you are," he spoke "Your Majesty. It's time to begin preparing for tomorrow's coronation ceremony." "A fancy dress gala!" Zoidberg exclaimed "I'll wear my formal shell." "Fry will be enthroned tomorrow at the setting of the three suns when we Trisolians enter our nocturnal phase." "There won't be a lot of long-winded speeches, will there?" Fry asked "Only one. The absolutely flawless recitation from memory of the royal oath. By you." "Will there be cake!?" "CAKE!!!" Derpy cheered. The crew and several Trisolians sat at a long table on stage in the Trisolian Banquet Hall, celebrating Fry's Pre-Coronation Gala. Some Trisolians perform on their own stage. Derpy enjoyed her cake as Leela was investigating around the place. Another Trisolian, this one a political satirist named Florp. His jokes, though Fry & the other Trisolian laughed at, didn't make the crew laugh. Derpy pulled out her notepad and wrote Florp down on people she'll need to take out before she dies. Leela came and whispered to Fry "Fry," she spoke "I have to talk to you. You're in terrible danger." "TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!" Derpy pleaded, jumping and holding onto Leela's arm with her back legs dangling. The three walked into the Palace Corridor. On the walls of the corridor are paintings of past Trisolian Emperors. "You see Emperor Plon here?" Leela asked, pointing at a painting. "He met his end when he was drunk by Emperor Strug. And before he could even wipe his mouth, Strug was drunk by Shwab. "So?" Fry asked "Look at all these guys. Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was?" "80,000 years?" "No. One week." "Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked unless it was really high or really low." Derpy facehoofed herself "Every Emperor ascended to power by assassinating the previous one. And guess who's next?" She pointed at Fry's portrait. Fry looked at some empty frames labelled "Fry's Assassin" and "Fry's Assassin's Assassin". "Well, at least my assassin will get what's coming to him." "You're in tremendous danger, you idiot! Half of these Emperors were drunk at their own coronation." "Hey, I plan on having a few brewskis myself." "No, they were assassinated. In fact, the law says you'll be killed on the spot if you fail to recite the oath from memory." "Like this?" Derpy asked, holding up a book called "Coronation Oath: Vol. 1". "Yeah, I was going to thumb through that later." Fry commented "That is completely reckless!" Leele snapped "Don't you ever think ahead!?" "Hell, no. If I stopped to think ahead, I wouldn't be Emperor. And I wouldn't even be here in the year 3000. It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus: All year long the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came and the grasshopper died and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a race-car. Is any of this getting through to you?" "...WHAT!?!?!?" Derpy yelled "WHAT THE F-" "I give up!" Leela yelled "You're gonna get yourself killed and this time I won't be here to save you." "Who asked you to?" Fry asked "I told you a hundred times to stop treating me like a baby. Now go. Go gather your nuts, you nagging grasshopper." Leela shouted and stormed off! "That's it! I'm never helping you again! If anyone except you needs me, I'll be in the ship." "I'll be fine. It's not like anyone's gonna drink me." "I can't even decide if this culture is matriarchy or patriarchy!" Derpy added, reading the book. "It's probably nothing." A panel slides across on a portrait and a Trisolian tries to drink Fry with a straw. He shoved it away in annoyance "Quit it!" On the Palace's Balcony, The Planet Express crew are gathered with Fry. Leela was nowhere and Derpy wondered if she should've left with her or not. Merg stood at a podium facing across the Trisolian surface where millions of Trisolians are gathered to hear Fry's oath. "People of Trisol," He announced "it is my honor to present your new Emperor!" The Trisolians applauded as Fry stood up and took Merg's place on the podium. He cleared his throat. "What up?" Fry asked. Silence. "Stick to the oath." "Right! I, Fry, who drank Bont the Viscous, who drank Ungo the Moist, who guzzled Zorn the Stagnant..." the time passed, and though Derpy was bored out of her mind. Her eyes became heavy, and she fell asleep. She had a dream that felt very weird, almost as if she lived that life before: she saw the same strange stallion having a drink of what looked liked beer, Derpy herself as a full grown mare with bubbles on her butt, and ponies everywhere. while the crowd wasn't the main attention, Derpy saw herself blushing & her wings popping up with the stallion in shock. She was in love with him. Before anything else can happen, she snorted herself awake and stood right up. The three suns were setting in the distance and the place became cooler. "-Who slurped Hudge the Dewy," Fry continued "who enjoyed a soup composed principally of Throm the Chunky, do solemnly swear to rule with honor and... insanity-- Uh, integrity!" "Congratulations, Your Highness." Merg spoke. He took Fry's shirt off. "I now present you with your royal unisex robe. Long live Fry the Solid!" He puts the robe on Fry as the Trisolians cheered with the suns setting. "Hey, look." Bender pointed as the crew walked behind Fry "The suns are setting. I can finally switch to hard liquor!" He pulled out a bottle from his chest cabinet. As the three suns set, the Trisolians begin to glow and turn into a lighter shade of blue. "Check out the glowing freaks!" "It's beautiful!" Derpy commented in awe at the sight. "Hey, what's that?" Fry's stomach turns blue and grows a face. Everyone gasped as the Trisolians quickly return to normal shade. "The Emperor Bont!" Merg shouted "He's still alive!" "Of course I'm alive!" Bont yelled "Now cut this creep open and drain me out!" The Guards close in on Fry, who clutches his stomach. "My tummy hurts!" Fry whimpered "RUN!!!" Derpy yelled. The all ran up the stairs into the royal throne room. "They're over here!" Bont yelled "they're running up the stairs." "Shut up, you!" Bender yelled, punching both Bont and Fry. They ran inside and bolt the door. "Let us in!" Merg yelled "Fry must die so that Bont may live!" "What am I gonna do?" Fry panicked "We've gotta get the Emperor out of your body before they kill you!" Amy pointed "Relax, Fry." Zoidberg replied "I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge, separating out the denser fluid of His Highness. "But won't that crush his bones?" Derpy asked "Oh, right, right, with the bones! I always forget about the bones." "Hey, why don't you just sweat him out?" Bender suggested "Forget it!" Bont yelled "As Emperor I refuse to be dripped out through somebody's armpit. "I could vomit or urinate." Fry suggested "Would you feel better about that?" "Slightly. But my favourite so far is the bone-crushing." "What about crying?" Amy suggested "That's a great idea! Crying." "Fine." Bont agreed "That or the bone one." Derpy gasped, followed by Bender's evil laughter. "I know just the thing!" Derpy spoke, running into a different room. After a while, Derpy came back, dragging a large sack. She opened it and in the sack were objects such as hammers, chairs, baseball bats, and a boombox. "What's this crap?" Bender asked "This," Derpy answered "Is how we're going to get the emperor out. ... HOLD HIM DOWN!!!" "What the-!?" Fry yelled, but was quickly tacked by everyone. Derpy turned on the boombox, and a very appropriate song played for what she was gonna do. "Derpy! What are you-!?" "Spread his legs!" Fry watched as his legs were spread open and Derpy walked with a hammer in her mouth. "NO!!! Derpy!!! Please!!! Anything but-" When 'X Gon Give it to ya' played, Derpy slammed the hammer onto Fry's crotch, making him scream like a woman as tears fell down his face. "NOW KICK HIS ASS!!!" Everyone began to bring their form of pain from Zoidberg using his claws, Bender putting a lit cigar on Fry's ass, and Amy pulling his hair, all of which made Cry pour tears and, with it, the emperor. Many of the objects were used, Bender smashing & breaking a chair on Fry with Amy using the baseball bat on him. Though Fry was in tremendous pain and crying really hard, Derpy found this to be really fun, especially when she imagined him as Zapp Branigan. Leela sat in the cockpit of the Planet Express ship, but heard the door opened. Walking inside was a beaten up with hair torn out Fry, still crying, followed by Everyone, though Derpy now sported sunglasses. "Fry!?" Leela asked in surprise "What happened to you!?" "...I'm sorry." he replied before falling unconscious. Derpy giggled mischievously. "What did you do?" "The emperor was still alive," Amy replied "and we had Fry cry him out." "It was fun!" Bender added "You should've been there!" "He'll fit into Skinny jeans now!" Derpy added, smiling innocently. Leela stared, then turned around. "Well, whatever you did, I hope he learned his lesson." "I'm sure he did. My baseball bat is ready!" She turned back, but rolled her eye and piloted the ship away. Derpy pulled out her boombox and played another song, dancing to it while putting on a gold chain and a baseball cap. "Thug life!" Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
An unnatural gift"NO!!! I HATE HIM!!!" Derpy screamed at the top of her lungs! She held onto the door's frame for dear life as Leela tried pulled her into one of the building's rooms: Zoidberg's room. Everyone was going to another planet for yet, another package delivery, but due to it's inhabitants having a love for equine meat, Derpy had to stay behind with Zoidberg for the mission. "Derpy!" Leela struggled "You have to stay!" "NO!!! Zoidberg sucks!!!" "You got that right!" Bender yelled around the corner. After a few moments of struggling, Leela successfully pulled Derpy into the office of Dr. Zoidberg, placing her on the lobster's desk. Derpy tried her best to hold onto Leela, but failed, missing Leela's arm and dangled over the desk. "We'll be back soon," Leela reassured "just behave yourself for a while." Leele closed the door behind her. Derpy sat on her haunches, crossed her forelegs, and pouted, grumbling to herself. "Yeah, like that's gonna happen." she said to herself "... Where's that cookbook?" The door opened again, and Zoidberg came in wearing the same doctor's outfit (which reeked of feces) and blue sandals (worse). Just the presence of him and his smell made the filly gag. "Relax, Derpy," Zoidberg spoke, walking and sitting on his desk. "I have studied your kind via internet and picture books." He showed her his 'evidence'. "...Those are cat calendars you idiot!" He looked at the calendars, then back to Derpy. "Fine, but I think you'll enjoy this ~bone~." He lifted a femur bone to her. Derpy swiped it away from him. "That's for dogs!" "Alright, calm down. I think you just need some fresh air." "Damn straight!" Zoidberg picked Derpy up, followed by him opening a window. He stuck Derpy out, who saw how high she was, and scrambled "AAHH!!! Zoidberg!!! What the hell are you-!?" "Have fun!" He dropped Derpy. Derpy screamed as she fell to the floor, hooves scrambling wildly in the air. She shut her eyes tight and covered her face as she was both close to the floor and felt a tingle on her back. All that was heard was a low buzzing noise. After a while, Derpy reopened her eyes and looked down; she was close to the floor, but her hooves dangled above just by a few inches. She heard the low buzzing noise and looked back: rapidly beating in a blur of gray, Derpy's wings were moving rapidly. I'm... flying!? Derpy thought to herself Hold on... I have wings on my back... I'm really different from that stallion... Derpy, you idiot! Flying is part of me! Derpy felt herself rise up a bit, feeling her wings beat harder. Wait a minute... let's science this. If I beat my wings faster, I shall rise, and vice versa. She concentrated, slowing her wings down a bit, making her descend Great! Now... what about moving forward? Maybe leaning? Leaning forward, she went forward a bit, though she had to keep her head up to remain in balance. Okay, but... why does this feel so familiar? Maybe I should just... let go. Taking a deep breath while closing her eyes, Derpy ignored all the things around her, focusing on something that was new, yet familiar at the same time. Reopening her eyes, she gasped as she was miles above New-New York's floor. "HOLY SH-" Before she could finish, a large honk was heard. Turning, Derpy saw a large truck about to hit her. She reacted quickly, flying below the truck easily and flew right up! She laughed at what just happened and released herself. She flew across New-New York, passing by the windows of cars & building alike, all with very fitting music played on the loudspeakers around. The wind moved her mane & tail back, adrenaline pumped throughout her body, but Derpy felt that she could conquer anything, and if she couldn't, it was an easy escape for her. She saw the Planet Express ship in the distance, along with the planet express building. Oh sweet Celestia! Just wait until they see this! ... Wait. 'Sweet Celestia'? Inside Planet Express's main building, Leela kicked Zoidberg as he rolled into a ball on the floor. "Where the hell is Derpy!?" Leela demanded "I told you," Zoidber replied through tears "she flew away!" "Preposterous!" Farnsworth spoke "due to the size of Derpy's wings and her weight, there's no way she could fly! Not unless she's a bee in disguise." "I'm telling the truth! She flew away after I dropped her out of the window." This received one of Leela's roundhouse kicks. "THE WINDOW!?!?!?" Leela yelled, now furious. "YOU DROPPED HER OUT OF THE WINDOW!!!" "Th-the birdie needs to fly." "She is not a bird! She is a-" "'Sup, guys!" Derpy spoke. Everyone turned to see Derpy fly in through the open roof and land near them, though it wasn't the most graceful landing, as she fell onto her front with her hind legs & flank in the air. "DERPY!!!" Leela ran and picked up Derpy, hugging her tightly "Oh, my snuggwy wuggy fiwwy! You're not hurt, are you!? Oh, I should've just took you with us; the mission was cancelled and now we have a bunch of old New year crap." "Ah, don't worry mommy, I had fun!" "How the hell did she do that!?" Bender demanded "Disguised bee?" Fry whispered. "Get back, all of you!" The professor demanded, taking Derpy out of Leela's arms. "This is incredible! I need to find out how you're able to fly! This will be so much easier, and safer, than testing with those damn bees." "For science!" Derpy cheered. Even with the latest technology, there was no explanation as to how Derpy could lift off, let alone, fly. While the professor was stumped about how he couldn't find out how Derpy flew, everyone else (minus Zoidberg) found it amazing as how Derpy flew around without any problem, though her landings needed some work. As for Zoidberg... Derpy had a restraining order on him that would last for an entire month. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
A big Piece of Garbage.Inside Planet Express's Meeting Room, everyone sat around the table as the professor was making an announcement "Good news, everyone." He spoke "Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9; the virus planet." "Why can't they go today?" Hermes asked "Because tonight's a special night and I want all of you to be alive. It's the Academy of Inventors' annual symposium." "Wow! I love symposia." Fry commented, not even aware of what it meant. "It's the event of the scientific season. Every member presents an invention and the best one wins the Academy prize." "Sounds boring." Bender commented "Oh, my, yes. But not this year, because my latest invention is unbeatable. Behold! The death clock." He pulled a small, black box with a button on it, on top on the table. "Simply jam your finger in the hole and this read-out tells you exactly how long you have left to live." "Does it really work?" Leela asked "And will it work for me?" Derpy added, poking at the machine. "Well it's occasionally off by a few seconds, What with free will and all." The professor replied "And unless you grow fingers, you'll have to live in bliss." "Sounds like fun." Fry spoke "How long do I have left to live?" He placed his finger in the hole and the clock dinged. They saw how long he had to live. "Ooh! Dibs on his CD player!" Bender called out. "Screw that!" Derpy replied, pulling out a scalpel "I call his kidneys!" Inside the Academy of Inventors, the room is filled with scientists (all wearing white lab coats). Everyone but Farnworth wore something considered 'Fancy', though as much as Derpy wanted to, she had to dress up and not walk around naked. Derpy stood around, wanting to fly around, or, for the lack of better words, strip naked, but saw the stallion again! She turned to see her family was distracted by another old man, making this her chance. She walked to the stallion, who had a strange device in his hooves and was pointing it around, seemingly investigating something. "Can I help you with something, sir?" Derpy asked. He looked down at her, but smiled. "Great wickering stallions!" He spoke with excitement, and a different voice. "You have to be the most adorable subject I have seen!" She gave him a confused look. "...What?" "Oh, pardon me, but just call me 'The Doctor', my fine Derpy." "... Am I missing something? The last time we meet, you told me we'd meet each other on something called 'The Titanic'." "We did? Oh, I must've missed something! Well, you see, I-" the sound of the blue box, followed by the same blue box appeared in the room. The same stallion quickly came out, grabbed himself by his collar, and threw him into the box before entering again. "I told you to not talk to her!" The other replied with the same accent from before. "Do you want to ruin the space-time-continuum and destroy the world!?" The other stallion got up. "Well excuse me! I was just curious and wanted to see who'd win this scientific competition; Science and mathematics are the real magic." "Yes, that I agree on, but you shouldn't be going around and altering too much things!" "Like what? Standing and seeing this scientific competition to see who has the best invention?" "Can I get some answers here!?!?!?" Derpy shouted in confused anger. "Whoops!" Both stallions spoke, shutting the door, followed by the blue box disappearing. Derpy stared with a twitchy eye. "I...I need a muffin." Inside the Academy of Inventors' Auditorium, Derpy Bender, Fry and Leela sat at a table. Bender read the wine list and a waiter took his order as Derpy snacked on a muffin, processing the stallions that, as she theorized, may be twins or clones of something else. "I've been perusing your fortified wine list and I've selected the '71 Hobo's Delight, the '57 Chateau Parté and the '66 Thunder Chevitz." Bender ordered "Exquisite choices, sir." The waiter spoke "And mix them all together in a big jug!" The lights in the auditorium dimmed down and the head Ron Popeil's head in a jar was on the stage. "Welcome to this year's Academy of Inventors Annual Symposium." he announced "I'm your host, Ron Popeil, inventor of Mr. Microphone, the spray-on toupee and, of course, the technology to keep human heads alive in jars." A few people applaud. "But wait, there's more. We've got a whole line-up of inventors tonight, starting with that up and coming young star, Ogden Wernstrom. Fry booed "More wine!" "Distinguished members of the Academy," Wernstrom spoke onstage "I present to you, the Reverse Scuba Suit. Observe!" He waved a stick in front of a fish in a tank. "Fetch!" He tossed the stick across the platform. The fish puts on a suit, which has two little mechanical legs. The fish gets out of the tank, walks across the stage, picks up the stick and hands it to Wernstrom. "Now, sit!" The fish doesn't do anything. "I said sit!" Still nothing. "Bad fish!" He hits the fish with a newspaper and it sits. The audience applauds. Farnsworth groans. "Don't worry, Professor," Fry whispered "it's no competition for your death clock." "And what will you be presenting this evening, grandpa?" Wernstrom taunted "Let's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers in your place!" Farnworth replied, standing up for himself "I just hope it's not as lame as that death clock you presented last year." "Uh, last year, you say?" "That's right." "Oh, my!... Did it put you young whippersnappers in your place?" "Hardly! We laughed until our teeth fell out. Come along, Cinnamon. He walked away, followed by His fish. "That's it," Derpy spoke, pulling a gun out and cocking it "his time it up." "Oh, dear," Farnworth panicked "I'll have to invent something new in the next ten minutes. Perhaps some sort of death clock?" "No, just more ammo!" Derpy spoke, pulling the trigger at Wernstrom, but nothing was coming out. A man on the stage demonstrates a helicopter hat; He turns a handle and flies away. The audience applauds. "Heh, I can already fly with these babies." Derpy pridefully commented, pointing and flapping her wings. "Our last presentation comes from our oldest member, Professor Hubert Farnsworth." Popeil announced "Professor?" A spotlight falls on Farnsworth. He scribbles something on a napkin. "Just a second, just a second!" Farnsworth pleaded. "Pencils down, prune-face." Wernstrom taunted again Derpy and Farnsworth snarled at the other old man. Leela held onto Derpy as she tried to tackled Wernstrom while gorlwing like a dog as Farnworth ran onto the stage. "Uh, yes, here I am, OK, now, hello there. Now, we all know telescopes allow us to see distant objects. But what if we want to smell distant objects? Well now we can! Thanks to my new invention ... the Smellescope." He puts a piece of paper on a projector; it was a crude drawing of a telescope pointing at a coffee stain, with the professor wearing a large hat. The audience starts talking. "The odor travels past this coffee stain here, around the olive pit and into this cigar burn. And this appears to be a doodle of myself as a cowboy." The audience laughs. "But the Smellescope is brilliant, I tell you! Think of the astronomical odors you'll smell thanks to me." The audience laughs again. Farnsworth wipes his brow with the napkin "Oh, my!" He puts it back on the projector; It's smudged. The audience laughs again. "I've waited a hundred years for this, Farnsworth." Wernstrom spoke in the crowd "I give your invention the worst grade imaginable: An A-minus-minus!" The audience laughs. Farnsworth walks off the stage. Derpy saw how desperate the professor looked. She knew what she had to. She got out of Leela's grasp and buzzed her wings, flying above the heads of the other scientists. "You all get an F!" She simply announced. The lace's laughter was cut off... followed by screaming and panic from all of the scientists. Derpy rubbed her hooves and smiled devilishly "Yes, dance, my puppets." Inside Planet Express's Meeting Room, Fry, Bender, Leela, Derpy, and Farnsworth sat around the table. "Perhaps 149 is just too old to be a scientist." Farnsworth whined to himself "Yep!" Bender answered bluntly "No, Professor, don't give up." Fry encouraged "There were plenty of times in my century when I was gonna give up, but I never did. Never! Hey, are you even listening to me? Oh, I give up!" Derpy pulled out a tablet and played an inspirational video. "By God, you're right!" Farnsworth spoke "I'm going to build that Smellescope!" "DO IT!!!" Derpy yelled "Eureka!" Farnsworth shouted. Fry, Leela, Derpy, and Bender ran into the Attic Room "Did you build the Smellescope?" Fry asked "No, I remembered that I'd built one last year. Go ahead, try it. You'll find that every heavenly body has its own particular scent. Here, I'll point it at Jupiter." He cranked it around a bit. Fry placed his nose into the two nozzles provided and sniffed "Smells like strawberries." "Exactly! And now Saturn." Another turn and sniff "Pine needles. Oh, man, this is great! Hey, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus." He laughed at the joke "...I don't get it." Derpy spoke "I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all." Farnworth replied "Oh. What's it called now? "Urectum. Here, let me locate it for you." "I wanna sniff!" Derpy spoke, buzzing her wings and placing her nostrils into the smellescope "Hmm... pizza! ... Hmm... Muffins!" She pointed at another place, sniffed, and started to gag! She landed on the floor and puked! "What is it?" He sniffed into the machine "Oh, jeez! Oh, man! Remarkable! A stench so foul it's right off the Funk-o-Meter. I dare say, Derpy may have discovered the smelliest object in the known universe. "Ooh! Ooh! Name it after me!" Bender pleaded. Leela sniffed into the machine "I think it's moving." She observed "Hmm. Perhaps the computer can calculate its trajectory." Farnworth spoke "Just as soon as someone cleans up Derpy's mess." He clicks a few buttons on a computer "My God! Whatever it is, it's headed straight for us. With enough force to reduce this entire city to a stinky crater. We have less than 72 hours." All four gasped "Well, let's get looting!" Bender announced "Already ahead of you!" Derpy added, flying away with a crown. "Hey! That' my crown!" In the Meeting Room, The staff sat around the table looking at a hologram of the Earth.] "So this thing's gonna destroy the whole city?" Fry asked, nearly on the verge of panicking. The hologram of the object hits the hologram of the Earth with a splat. "What the heck is it?" Farnsworth taps at a keyboard. "Ah! Just as I thought." He replied "The answer lies in this movie I found on the Internet." He plays the movie. The New York skyline of 2000 is displayed on the screen, along with the title. "New York City," a movie sounding narrator expositioned "The year 2000. The most wasteful society in the history of the galaxy and it was running out of places to empty its never-ending output of garbage. The landfills were full. New Jersey was full. And so, under cover of darkness, the city put its garbage out to sea on the world's largest barge. The repulsive barge circled the oceans for 50 years but no country would accept it, not even that really filthy one. You know the one I mean. Finally, in 2052, the city used its mob connections to obtain a rocket and launch the garbage into outer space. Some experts claim the ball might return to Earth someday, but their concerns were dismissed as 'depressing'. "Wow! You got that off the Internet?" Fry asked "In my day the Internet was only used to download pornography." "Actually that's still true." Farnsworth replied "Now that the garbage is in space," a female professor spoke "doctor, perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions." "With gusto!" the male scientist replied. They both strip down to their underwear and were ready to get it on. Leela turned the lights back on, making Fry and Derpy groan. "So that's the situation." Farnsworth spoke "Due to the short-sightedness of Old New York, New New York is going to be destroyed by a giant ball of garbage." "Fry, what the hell were you people thinking back then!?" Leela demanded "How could you just throw your garbage away?" "Hey, gimmie a break!" Fry retorted "What do you do with it?" "We recycle everything. Robots are made from old beer cans." "Yeah! And this beer can is made outta old robots." Bender added "And that sandwich you're eating is made of old discarded sandwiches." Both Fry and Derpy look inside a sandwich & muffin and cringed. "Nothing just gets thrown away." "The future is disgusting." Fry commented "I feel so weird." Derpy added "Typical 20th century attitude." Leela commented "Hey! You have no right to criticise the 20th century." Fry spoke "We gave the world the lightbulb, the steamboat and the cotton gin." "Those things are all from the 19th century." "Yeah, well, they probably just copied us." "Please! There's no time for this now!" Farnsworth shutted the two up "This is an emergency. We must warn the mayor!" "And loot him if he doesn't listen!" Derpy added, putting on a ski mask and holding a baseball bat. At City hall (called Citihall), inside the Mayor's Office, The Mayor, a short balding man in a green suit, sat behind his desk. "Garbage ball, huh?" he asked "That sounds serious." "Very serious, Mayor Poopenmeyer." Farnsworth replied. Derpy giggled at the name "I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming or second-hand smoke." He presses the intercom. "Send in my science adviser." Wernstrom entered the room "Wernstrom!" "Well, well, well! Come to present your latest napkin, Professor?" Wernstrom taunted again "No, I'm here because a giant trash ball is heading straight for us. Smell for yourself." Farnsworth wipes the Smellescope. Poopenmeyer sniffs and leaps back. "Hey! Holy jeez!" he yelled "That smell could be anything;" Wernstrom retorted "a faulty stench coil, some cheese on the lens, who knows?" A woman walked into the room with a cassette player. "Mr. Mayor, we just got this transmission from Neptune." she spoke, pressing the play button. "Giant... garbage ball." A man gasped in the recording "... passed close by... horrible stench." He gags. "The transmission cuts out there, sir." The voice chokes again. "No, I, guess it keeps going." There is another gag and the message cuts out. "There we go!" "My God! The senile old man is right!" The mayor spoke "Do you mean him or me?" Wernstrom asked "Him!" He pointed at Farnsworth. Derpy cheered "Suck it, old man!" She yelled, taking his wallet and flying away. She stopped as People crowded around a shop watching TV's through the window. On the TV, two newscasters present a report on "Root"2 News. One is a blonde human woman wearing a pink suit and the other is an alien that has a huge green head with veins poking out of it and big eyes. "Next, New New York in crisis. Morbo?" the woman asked "Thanks, human female." the alien replied, turning to the camera "Puny Earthlings were shocked today to learn that a ball of garbage will destroy their pathetic city of New New York." "Makes me glad we live here in Los Angeles. "Morbo agrees!" They both laugh. "...Crap. Better get back." Derpy spoke to herself. She took all of the cash out of the wallet before tossing the wallet away, buzzing herself back to the Citihall. She landed near the windows, where a large hologram of the garbage ball is projected in the middle of the room. A military man is there with the others.] "Can't we just shoot a missile at it?" Leela asked "We've simulated that on a supercomputer but the ball is just too damn gooey." The Military man spoke "A missile would go right through it." The hologram shows a missile squelching through the garbage ball. "But suppose we send a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault line between this mass of coffee grounds and this deposit of America Online floppy disks." Farnsworth suggested. The simulation explodes. "In theory, it could work." "Uh, in theory, perhaps." Wernstrom replied "But you'll never find a crew willing to take on a mission so suicidally dangerous." Farnsworth smiles and looked at the crew. "Oh, crap!" Bender spoke In Planet Express's Hangar, The crew are assembled in front of the ship. "Now, you'll only have one chance to destroy the ball." Farnsworth explained "After that, it will be so close to Earth that blowing it up would cause garbage to rain over the entire planet, killing billions! "Oh, boo-hoo!" Bender replied, not enthusiastic. "Now here's the bomb I've prepared. Once you activate it, you'll have 25 minutes to get away." "That's all?" Leela asked "But"- "Now, now, there'll be plenty of time to discuss your objections when and if you return." "...If?" Derpy asked, shivering. The crew were in red spacesuits (minus Bender) and the ship flew towards the garbage ball. It looks like an asteroid from a certain movie by a horrible director. "Odour at magnitude 8." Leela spoke. The ship shook with some gags "Magnitude 12." The ship shook harder with harder gags "Magnitude 31." The ship shook rapidly with Derpy puking again. "We're breaking up! Turn on the anti-smell device!" An air freshener went off and the ship stopped shaking with the smell gone. "Hmm, sporty!" Fry commented. The ship cruised in and landed on the garbage ball's surface. The steps go down, the door opens, and the crew look around. "Wow!" "Look at all this filth." Leela commented "It's not filth. It's a glorious monument to the achievements of the 20th century!" He picks up something. "Look! A real Beanie Baby." He picks up something else. "Oh! A Mr. Spock collector's plate" He sees something and gasps. "Some Bart Simpson dolls!" Bender walked to a pile of said dolls, picked one up, and pulled it's string. "Eat my shorts!" The doll spoke "OK!" Bender replied, eating it's shorts. "Mmm! Shorts!" "Fry, this stuff was garbage when it was new. Let's blow it up already!" Leela sugested "This junk isn't garbage!" Fry replied "I can dig in any random pile and find something great." He dug into a pile and came out with a six pack holder around his neck, gagging. Leela cuts him free. "Alright... let's get to work." "Hold on!" Derpy replied "I think I'll take this!" She pulled a funny looking robot onto the ship, spraying with Febreeze and other smell good items on the ship. "I'll call it... Mario!" The crew walk across the surface, reading a map. "Let's see," Leela spoke "If that's Hypodermic Ridge then the bomb must go right here." "She puts the bomb in the ground. "Get ready to run. We've got 25 minutes." She presses the button and the timer changes to 15:00. "Uh, 15 minutes." The timer changes again to 05:00. "5 minutes." A very odd number. "6h minutes?" Bender pulls the bomb out of the ground and turns it over. "There's your problem." He spoke "The Professor put the counter on upside-down." "That idiot! It wasn't set for 25 minutes, it was set for 52 seconds!" Both Fry and Derpy screamed "We're gonna die!" Derpy yelled "Right?" "Right!" Bender answered. They all screamed as they saw that the timer read 19 seconds. "It's gonna blow!" He threw it to Fry. Fry threw it back. Bender threw it at Leela, which hits her helmet. "Hey, watch it!" She replied "You'll put somebody's eye out!" "OK, OK, keep your space pants on. I'll take care of this!" Bender throws the bomb into space, but it hits a passing comet and bounces back down, knocking Derpy's helmet off. Everyone screams as Bender throws the bomb into the sky again, which explodes. Fry and Leela walked to Derpy' trying to put her helmet back on "Hurry, Fry!" Leela yelled "She's gonna die!" "I can't!" Fry replied "Her helmet's cracked!" Derpy coughed, reopening her eyes blinked. She sniffed the air, making her cheeks puff with a green coloring in her cheeks. She stood up and puked again. "Ech! Those filters are broken!" She yelled angrily. She saw all three stare at her, mouths wide open. "...What?" Back in the Mayor's Office, Derpy polished 'Mario' up as everyone watched Lina and Morbo on T.V., though the professor glanced at the report on how Derpy was able to breath in space, baffled as everyone was. "All in all, this is one day Mittens the kitten won't soon forget!" Linda spoke with a chuckle, along with Morbo. "Kittens give Morbo gas." He commented "In lighter news, the city of New New York is doomed. Blame rests with known human Professor Hubert Farnsworth and his tiny, inferior brain." "Oh, how could I have put that bomb timer on upside-down?" Farnsworth asked himself "I could swear I followed the manual precisely." He pulled out the manual from his coat. It's upside-down. "I'm a dried up husk of a scientist. This is all my fault." "No, it's my fault too." Fry reassured "I'm sure I threw out more than my share of that trash up there. Also, one month my toilet broke and it just went straight in the garbage can." Everyone cringed at the mention, with Derpy's cheek perking up again. "Leela was right. The people of the 20th century were idiotic slobs. Especially me." "Enough!" The mayor yelled "You all failed miserably. It's time to put a real scientist in charge." Wernstrom entered the room "Wernstrom!" Farnsworth yelled "The very same." Wernstrom replied "Dr. Wernstrom, can you save my city?" The mayor asked "Of course. But it'll cost you. First I'll need tenure." "Done." "And a big research grant." "You got it." "Also, access to a lab and five graduate students, at least three of them Chinese." "Um, alright done. What's your plan?" "What plan? I'm set for life! Au revoir, suckers!" He walked out "You coward!!!" Derpy yelled. Mario's middle stalk, an 'eye', glowed blue. "EXTERMINATE!!!" It yelled before deactivating immediately. "...That was... something." A pizza slice splated against the window, grabbing their attention. "It's time to take action!" Poopenmeyer announced. He pressed the intercom. "Stephanie, cancel the maid for today. Have her come tomorrow." He leaned back into his chair. "Well, I'm out of ideas. Anyone?" "Wait!" Farnsworth exclaimed "If we could build an object the exact size, density and consistency of the garbage ball, it might just knock the ball away without smashing it to bits!" "But where can we find a substance the exact density and consistency as garbage?" Leela asked "Alas, I don't know." "Uh, what about garbage?" Derpy suggested, trying to open Mario up to see how he was activated. "Good Lord! A second ball of garbage! That just might work!" "But garbage isn't something you just find lying in the streets of Manhattan." Poopenmeyer explained "This city's been garbage-free for 500 years!" "Then it's time to make some more!" Fry suggested "Make garbage? But how?" "Stand back and watch the master! This Slurm can." He knocked it to the floor. "Now it's garbage. These papers. He swept them off the desk with his hands. "Garbage. This picture of your wife." He dropped it onto the floor, it's frame smashes. "Pure garbage. Now you try it." Poopenmeyer picks up a pencil and drops it on the floor. "By God, I think the boy's got something. Come on, everyone! The fate of the city is at stake!" He turned his chair on its side. "Good! Leela: Don't finish that cruller, throw it away! Bender; Drink that beer and drop the bottle on the ground!" Both did what Fry said Bender throws the bottle on the floor. "Very nice! Derpy-" He didn't say anything as half eaten muffins were on the floor. "Get that robot and horse some more beer and muffins!" Both Bender and Derpy smiled with a gasp. "We've trashed this room but that's just the start. We've got to get Fry's message to the people!" After a successful, though short, public message, there was enough garbage put onto a rocket that could ricochet first pile away from Earth. "If my calculations are correct," Farnsworth spoke "this garbage ball will knock the other garbage ball directly into the sun." "And if my calculations are correct," Wernstrom replied "we're all going to die horribly." He laughed, but then realized what he said "Alright, places everyone." The mayor spoke "Prepare for launch." Farnsworth began the count down. "Five, four, three, two... three, four, five, six-" Derpy rolled her eyes, and with an annoyed grumble, she pressed the button in front of her. The rocket took off and headed towards the other garbage ball. After a while, Farnsworth sniffed through the Smellescope. "Burning garbage!" he cheered "We did it!" Derpy cheered. Everyone except Wernstrom cheered. Outside Citihall, The Mayor and the Planet Express crew stood on the steps. Poopenmeyer made a speech "And so, on behalf of the entire city, I thank you, Professor Farnsworth. I now present you with the Academy prize, which we confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a jackass." He handed Farnsworth the trophy. "Yes!" Farnsworth cheered "In your face, Wernstrom!" "I'll get you, Farnsworth." Wernstrom growled "Even if it takes me another hundred years!" He and his five graduate students, three of them Chinese, shook their fists. Derpy flew to his face. "That is if you're alive next year." She roasted. "Also, your grade!" She slammed a piece of Paper on his forehead. "A minus-minus-minus!" She flew back to her crew before Wernstrom could do anything. "And, Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well." Poopenmeyer continued "If not for your 20th century garbage-making skills, we'd all be buried under 20th century garbage." The crowd cheered. "Should we really be celebrating?" Leela asked "I mean, what if the second garbage ball returns to Earth like the first one did?" "Who cares?" Fry asked "That won't be for hundreds of years." "Exactly; It's none of our concern." Derpy added, resting on Fry's head. "That's the 20th century spirit!" Fry took Derpy off his head and rustled her mane, making the filly giggle. She flew out and held the award up with Farnsworth. The crowd cheered and applauded. Though she was celebrating, she saw the stallion in the crowd, though for only half a second before disappearing. She wanted to follow him, but the heads of Aerosmith came out and performed one of their songs. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
Ass tattoo?Derpy opened her eyes, seeing the entire Planet Express building was empty. Fry wasn't watching the television, Bender wasn't drinking beer with his fire belches, Amy wasn't around to make herself look cute, the professor wasn't making any new invention, Hermes wasn't documenting anything, Leela wasn't practicing at all and Zoidberg... well, she didn't mind him gone. She was all alone. That is, until she heard a loud whirring noise with a grumble. Not wanting to give her position away, Derpy quickly ducked under the couch she took her nap on, watching as a machine went forward & back on the floor, followed by some large, brown boots. She hid for a while, until some magazine fell on the floor, showing what looked liked a beautiful woman in a... weird position. She couldn't help but stare at the woman, wondering what it was. Derpy grabbed the magazine, just as a pair of hands grabbed the magazine on the other side. The Magazine and the filly were taken from beneath the couch, both held up by the same, middle aged man with the bushy mustache, brown cap, and janitor outfit. "Who the hell are you!?" Derpy asked "I'm Scruffy, the Janitor." he replied "Where'd everyone go?" "I don't know." "Can you help me?" "Nope. On break." He laid on the couch, took the magazine away from Derpy, and began to skim through the pages. Derpy stared at the old man, wondering who he was and what he did around here. She saw the device was bucket, and hanging on it, was a pack of muffins. Her mouth drooled at seeing the pack, as well as her eyes twinkling with happiness. "Can I have a muffin?" "...Mm." I'll take that as a yes. She thought to herself. She flapped her wings and flew to the packet of muffins, taking one out. She took a bite, and, as with any other muffin, she moaned at the taste, landing in total bliss. Unfortunately, her wings stopped flapping, and she quickly fell face first into the bucket. She stood right up, though the bucket was still on her head, and she ran around. "Hey! Who turned the lights off!?" She ran around blindly, crashing into the walls and tripping over every object in front of her. Scruffy did nothing but look through his magazines. Though muffled, Derpy heard the Planet Express ship land. She ran ahead, only to have her bucket covered head caught in between the railings. She felt herself caught inbetween the railing, lifting all her hooves to be around the bucket, and tried to pull herself out. With the soapy water around, she got out quickly & easily, though she rolled across the floor, crashing against the nearby wall. "Derpy!" Leela spoke. Derpy looked down (or up, in this case) to see her upside down family. She blushed with an awkward smile. "Heh, I got my head stuck." "What is that!?" "What's what?" "Why'd you get a tattoo on your ass?" Bender asked "What!?" Derpy quickly flipped herself over and looked at her flanks; on both flanks were seven bubbles, mirroring each side. "Why the hell do I have bubbles on my ass!?" "Yeah," Fry agreed "If you wanted a tattoo, you should've got something cool! Like a snake, or a gun!" "Or my face!" Bender suggested. "Enough!" Leela yelled at the two, then turned to Derpy "We left you alone for five minutes, and you get a tattoo?" "I never went to a tattoo parlor!" Derpy spoke "Seriously! All my money is still here!" She pulled out a large wad of cash, along with some random wallet. "Calm down, everyone." Farnsorth spoke, picking Derpy up. "I'm certain there's a scientific explanation for this." After a while of testing, Derpy getting tattoos was now invalid, as each bubble turned out to be a part of Derpy's fur, as well as the fact that there would be a very little chance for her to actually get a tattoo that would be exposed through her skin. "First, flying, next, breathing in space, and now, this!" Farnsworth exclaimed "You must come from the weirdest species in whatever universe and planet you came from." "Maybe," Derpy replied, looking at her flank's bubbles. "but... this kinda feels natural." "Normal?" Hermes asked "How is growing a tattoo normal!?" "I don't know. Call me crazy, but... I think this reveals my special talent, or even destiny." "Balderdash!" The professor spoke "If that were the case, why don't we all mysteriously get tattoos that reveal our talent and destiny!? What would those bubbles mean? Something about blowing bubbles? And what about your destiny? What does that mean?" "... I have no idea. I just hope the heads of Major Lazer, Bruno Mars, 2 Chainz, and Tyga Mystic don't see me and perform that one song." "What song?" Fry asked "You don't want to know." Unfortunately, at the next visit at the head museum, the heads of said celebrities saw her and laughed as they remembered the song they made together involving bubble butts. They were knocked down by Derpy and told to shut up. As for everyone else, while it was strange, they got use to it, seeing it as a normal thing in life as life. While no one wanted to agree, Derpy and Amy agreed on calling it a cutie mark; Amy for believing that it made Derpy cute, and Derpy because it sounded natural. Is that hourglass a part of those stallions like me? Derpy thought to herself. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
Hell Is Other RobotsFry, Leela, Bender, and Derpy sat in the Madison Cube Garden, waiting for the Beastie Boys concert 'Intergalactic Tour' to begin. As Derpy learned, the Beastie Boys were popular back in Fry's time, though she relaxed on Mario's head, who turned on & off at random times, yelling 'Exterminate' while firing a laser that, as of now, hasn't his anybody yet. "This is awesome!" Fry exclaimed "I've been waiting a thousand years to see a Beastie Boys show." "Can I get anybody a beer?" Bender asked "Sure!" Bender opened his chest cabinet and used his antenna to pump some beer into a cup. He hands it to Fry and Fry takes a gulp. "Ladies and gentlemen," an announcer on the loudspeakers spoke "here to lay down some old, old, incredibly old school beats: The Beastie Boys!" Scruffy came in as he wheeled the heads of the Beastie Boys' heads on stage. The crowd cheered as some guys in black suits grab the jars and dance around, as the Beastie Boys performed Intergalactic. "Impressive." Leela commented as she looked at her wrist machine. "They're busting mad rhymes with an 80% success rate." "I believe that qualifies as 'ill', at least from a technical standpoint." Bender commented "Will you guys shut up?! I'm trying to look cool." Fry spoke, dancing and looking like a fool. "This is how you dance!" Derpy replied. Balancing on Mario's head, Derpy used all the dance moves she learned from Craptrap and some other dance moves she made after learning how to fly. At that, Mike, one of the Beastie Boys, his head fell down into a mosh pit below, where he was tossed like a volleyball by some fans below. "Wow! An old-fashioned mosh pit! Come on, guys. Tonight we're gonna party like its 1999 ... again." "For you, maybe." Mario's 'eye' glowed blue again as the Beastie Boys performed Super Disco Breakin. "Mario! You're back on! Hopefully, you can dance like me!" "EXTERMINATE!!!" Mario yelled, hovering above the ground and flew over the crowd. "Ooh! You can fly like me! Come on, follow me!" Derpy flew ahead, followed by Mario. Mario began firing his laser at Derpy, though Derpy avoided the lasers, laughing and dancing without care. Down below, Fry and Bender joined the mosh pit as Leela... well, she kicked everyone's asses who were avoiding her private space. Derpy flew to Mario, hugging him again. "You are so fun, Mario!" "...Exterminate?" He shut down quickly, though slowly levitated as it fell down rather than crashing. After a while, everything was much more calmer, though Derpy hated dragging Mario around with her. He wasn't heavy, despite his size, but it's annoying to drag something that's always turned on or off. (something that made the men laugh, leaving Derpy confused with questions). "Man, these guys rock harder than ever!" Fry spoke as the Beastie Boys sang Sabotage as an acappella. It was... weird, as there were long pauses, probably because of the music that played in the Beastie Boy's heads. But, nonetheless, the crowd cheered as a A Fender (seen by it's name) amplifier came to Bender. "Hey, Bender!" The Fender spoke "Hey, Fender!" bender replied "Man, I haven't seen you since high school. You still workin' at Jack In The Box?" "Not anymore, baby. I'm with the band! And who's the other robot next to you?" "That's Mario." Derpy replied, sitting on Mario's head. "He's... broken." "Broken, you say?" "Yeah. He turns on & off and yells 'exterminate' when he's on, then turns off." Fry and Bender laughed. "I still don't get what's funny." Bender introduced Fender to his friends and their adopted daughter, letting the unit take them to the back to meet The Beastie Boys as they got head massages. "Hey, fellas, hey!" Fender introduced "I want you to meet my friends; Bender, Fry, Leela, and Derpy!" "Y'know, we're really not that interested in meeting them." Ad-Rock replied Fry squeed like a fangirl "Wow! I love you guys! Back in the 20th century, I had all five of your albums." "That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven." "Cool! Can I borrow the new ones? And a couple of blank tapes?" Fender turned his volume down and turned to Bender, whispering. "Hey, Bender, why don't we ditch these organ sacks and hit the real party?" "Count me in!" Bender replied "I'm gonna drink till I reboot!" "Can I come too?" Derpy asked, flying in between the two robots "Mario still needs help." "Eh, I guess." Fender replied "Perhaps one of the boys can help him out." Inside a shady looking place, Fender pressed a button, causing a door to slide open, revealing a room where three robots are hooked up to a machine that discharges electricity. It shocks them and they groan. "Hey, what kinda party is this!?" Bender demanded "There's no booze and only one hooker. "Don't be a drag, man." Fender replied "We're jacking on!" He plugged himself into the machine and shocks himself. "Aw, yeah!" He takes the plug out and offers it to Bender. "Wanna jolt?" "Uh, hey, I'm no square but isn't that counter-indicated by my operations manual?" The other robots laugh. "I'll take it!" Derpy replied, taking a spare plug "Mario, this is going to bring you back from the smell, thousand year sleep!" She stopped and looked around Mario. "Hey! Where's your hole?" She stopped and found the hole "Oh, there it is! It's in your ass!" All the robots snickered. Derpy placed the plug into Mario, though her mane puffed up and she got some black marks across her body. "Come on, Bender, grab a jack." Fender persuaded "I told these guys you were cool." "Well... if jacking on'll make strangers think I'm cool... I'll do it!" Bdner replied, taking the plug and sticking it into his head. Bender started to jitter around, electricity circuiting around him, making his eyes & mouth static. Derpy watched Bender go crazy, then turned to Mario, who was now activated. "EXTERMINATE!!!" Mario yelled. His whisp looking thing that fired lasers immediately exploded, destroying a part of Mario himself in the process. "Mario! I knew something like this would happen." She pulled the cord out as Fender did to Bender. "What lower life form are you!? You will be exterminated for the Dalek supremacy!" "I'm Derpy, a... pegasus from what I read. And you're called a Dalek? Very funny robot name for a funny robot yourself, Mario." "...Mario!? I am no 'Mario', I am Dalek08021996!" "...Yeah... I'm just gonna call you Mario." She flew and hugged Mario's head "Now you're on, we're gonna be the best of friends!" "Daleks do not have friends with weaker species!" "Well considering how light you are, I must be superior." "...IMPOSSIBLE!!!" Fender pulled the plug from Bender's head. "Easy, baby." He spoke "You don't wanna get hooked on this stuff." "Eh, no need to worry." Bender replied "I don't have an addictive personality." He quickly smoked a cigar and gulped down some beer, then began to jack on again. In the streets of New New York City Street, Fry, Derpy, and a shade wearing Bender walk around a slum. "Hey, uh, Bender?" Fry asked "What are we doing in this bad neighborhood?" "Shut up, square!" Bender replied. He walked into a place called Sparky's Den. "I'll just be a minute!" Both Fry and Derpy leaned against a lamppost and whistle together Three Hours Later Bender came out, groaning and not walking properly. He fell over and rolled off the pavement, landing face down in the gutter. A Preacherbot rolls by and saw him. "Wretched sinner unit!" The Preacherbot announced "The path to robot heaven lies here..." He takes out a 3.0 disk. "in The Good Book 3.0." "Hey! Do I preach to you when you're lying stoned in the gutter?" Bender replied "No! So beat it!" The Preacherbot tuted and left "Who was that guy?" Derpy asked "Your mama! Now shut up and drag me to work!" "...That was low, man." She turned around and flapped her wings, flying away. Fry dragged Bender by his legs. Inside Planet Express's Meeting Room, Hermes addressed everyone with a chart. "Our electric bill's climbing faster than a green snake up a sugar cane." Hermes spoke "Obviously someone round been wastin' a whole heap a juice! Probably you!" He points at Zoidberg. "Me?" Zoidberg asked. "Or your robot, Derpy." Derpy rested on Mario's head, seemingly looking around, planning something. "Mario's already full." Derpy replied "And he won't be shooting any lasers, so he'll save more energy." "I'll exterminate you all!" Mario yelled "You're funny." Fry and Bender entered the room. "Good morning, Bender." Amy greeted "None of your business! Get off my back!" Bender yelled, running into the restroom. "What's his problem?" "If I didn't know better, I'd almost think he was abusing electricity." Leela inquired "Bender!?" Fry asked, baffled "No way!" The lights dimmed "I definitely would've noticed something." "...It's Bender." Derpy spoke. Leela got up and knocked on the restroom door. "Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom?" She asked "Are you jacking on in there?" "No! Don't come in!" Bender replied. Farnsworth entered the room with a box. "Good news, everyone!" He announced "Today you'll be delivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet!" Bender exited the bathroom "Alright, let's get to work! I'll be out in a second." He ran back into the bathroom. In the Ship's Cockpit, The crew quickly made the delivery and were returning to Earth. "I know Big Vinnie said he was giving me the kiss of death but I still think he was gay." Fry commented "Did he use his tongue?" Leela asked "...A little." "I'm glad I got this new outfit!" Derpy spoke, wearing a gangster outfit with matching tommy gun "Just hope the Donbot isn't too mad that he wants my head. I wanna shoot someone before I go." "... Right." Fry looked to see Bender sitting in the corner, chewing at his fingers. "You OK, Bender?" "None of your business! Get off my back!" Bender snapped "Uh-oh. There seems to be some sort of electrical disturbance in the Coalsack Nebula." Leela spoke "A what kind of disturbance?" "Electrical. Anyway, it's going to take some careful piloting to avoid it." Bender snuck out of the cockpit, but Derpy followed. Bender opened the door of the ship and exited out into space. Derpy followed, flapping her wings, and chased after Bender, who edged his way around to the engines and pushed them so the ship flies straight towards the nebula. He laughs insanely. "Bender!" Derpy shouted "What are you doing!?" "Shut up! This is going to be fun on the bun!" Bender climed on top of the ship and in front of the gun turret, waving his arms. "Come on, universe, you big, mostly empty wuss! Gimmie all the juice you got!" His prayers was answered as a Lightning bolt struck Bender's antenna, making him jitter wildly. Another bolt struck him, followed by a third, causing his legs to melt. "Oh, mama!" "... You idiot." At Planet Express's Hangar, Amy drilled the leg-melted, stuck Bender with a jackhammer. He slid down the front of the ship and lands on the floor. Farnsworth, Leela, Derpy, and Hermes stare at him. "...What?" Bender asked. Derpy cocked her Tommy Gun. "Let's do it." she spoke. After being repaired, right after Derpy shot him multiple times as if he was part of the Valentine's Day Massacre, Bender sat at the table. "Bender," Leela spoke "we didn't mind your drinking, or your kleptomania, or your pornography ring." "In fact, that's why we loved you." Zoidberg spoke. "Shut up, Zoidberg!" Derpy yelled, knocking the lobster out with the barrel of her tommy gun. "But this electricity abuse crossed the line." Leela continued "You almost killed us." "And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you." Fry added "Just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs and then he sold me my mom's VCR and then later I found out he was taking drugs. You make me ashamed to be your friend." Bender sighed sadly. "You're right." He spoke "I'm a lost cause." He stood up walked out. "... I feel kinda bad now." Derpy spoke. The next morning, Hermes addressed everyone again in the meeting room. "And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt-water cooler." Hermes spoke. "This is a witch hunt!" Zoidberg yelled. Derpy snickered like Bender. Bender entered the room wearing a bow tie. "♫Oh, what a beautiful morn~ing, Oh what a beautiful day!♫" He sang "Greetings, friends. Don't we all look nice today?" "Uh oh!" Derpy spoke "Someone find the magnets! "No, I'm not on Magnets. I'm whacked out on life. My friends, I found religion." Everyone stared, shocked. "Religion?" Fry asked "Is this another scam to get free yarmulkes?" "Give him a break, Fry." Leela replied "If this helps Bender clean up his act then I think we should be supportive." Everyone agreed. "Wonderful!" Bender replied "Then you'll all come to my exceedingly long, un-air-conditioned baptism ceremony!" Everyone murmured uncomfortably. The Temple of Robotology was like any other church, but with more robots inside and everything was more... robotic. While everyone else was in their fancy suits, sweating hard, Derpy panted like a dog , using her wings as fans to cool her off, but with no help. "We are gathered here today to deliver brother Bender from the cold, steel grip of the Robot Devil unto the cold, steel bosom of our congregation." The preacherbot preached. The other robots cheered "Brother Bender, do you accept the principles of Robotology on pain of eternal damnation in Robot Hell!?" "Yes, I do!" Bender replied "Then I will now baptize you." A keyboard came out from his waist. "Press any key to continue." Bender pressed a button and is lifted, baptized in a barrel of High Viscosity Baptismal Oil. The Preacherbot welded the symbol of Robotology, a resistor symbol, to Bender's chest. "Uh, while you're at it, could you touch up this seam?" He raised his arm. The Preacherbot welded the seam, making Bender giggles. "I'm outta here!" Derpy yelled, running outside Everyone sat down in Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Bender had agreed to get everyone dinner for supporting him. "This is unbelievable." Leela spoke "The old Bender never would have taken us out to dinner." "The old Bender's gone." Bender replied "He won't trouble you anymore." A waiter approached to Bender "Would monsieur care to see the wine list?" He asked. Bender shreded the wine list and hands it back to the waiter. "No poison for us, thanks. I'll stick with good old mineral oil." He sipped his small cup of oil. "Ah! Functional!" After a while, their food arrived. "Mon, I'm hungrier than a green snake in a sugar cane field!" Hermes spoke "Screw your snake!" Derpy replied "I'm so Hungry, I can eat a human!" Before anyone could eat their food. "Friends! Friends!" Bender stopped everyone "Surely you're not going to eat before we say Robot Grace?" The staff grumble as Bender closes his eyes. "In the name of all that is good and logical we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jerematic: 1000101010101..." 1 Hour Later Everyone sat impatienty as Bender went on with his prayer. Derpy's face was splatted in her mash potatoes. "...0010110012. Amen." "Does that mean we can eat now?" Fry asked. Derpy snorted awake. "I'm potatoes!" she shouted. "Yes." Bender answered "But first, since I love you all so much, I'd like to give everyone hugs. Come here, Fry!" "Oh, uh, but I don't want to." Fry stammered. Bender hugged him anyways. "Mmm! Mmm! Fry... you're my friend!" Fry, unsure, pats Bender on the back. "HA!!! GAY!!!" Derpy mocked. Bender stood up again. "Come on, everyone line up for a hug." Bender spoke "Let's tear down some emotional walls." Everyone edged their seats away. "Come on, Derpy!" "Oh no!" The next morning, in Planet Express's Hangar, Bender stuck something to the ship. "What are you doing to my ship?" Leela demanded "Sanctifying it!" Bender replied. He stucked on a robot version of the Ichthus. "There! That ought to convert a few tailgaters." "Bender's stupid religion is driving me nuts!" Fry whined "Amen." Derpy replied "If only he had joined a mainstream religion like Oprah-ism or Voodoo." Farnsworth suggested. "We've got to get the old Bender back." Fry spoke "And I think I know a way to do it." Leela suggested "We have to reacquaint him with a little thing called 'sleaze'." "... I wouldn've just suggested leaving beer around, but whatever." Derpy spoke, rolling her eyes. The crew landed at Atlantic City Street. There, they took Nibbler with them and walked down the street. "I can't believe somebody hired an interstellar spaceship to deliver a package to Atlantic City." Bender spoke "What are we delivering anyway?" "Uh... this." Fry replied, pulling some mints out of his pocket. "Where are we delivering it to?" "Uh, here." Leela answered, taking the mints and puts them in a mailbox. "Oh! And who's it going to?" "There." Derpy finished, pointing at a club called 'Power Strip'. Bender gasped "Those ... those girls don't wear cases. You can see their bare circuits." "Come on, it'll be fun!" Fry spoke "Maybe we could even drink a little fortified wine." "What!? Drinking wine is a sin. Even if it is deliciously fortified." "Hey, Bender," Leela whispered "look at that woman's purse. It's hanging by a spaghetti strand." Bender's eyes zoomed in, but he pushed them back. "Thou shalt not snatch." "And there's Hookerbot 5000." Derpy spoke "She's got a heart of solid gold!" "Hey, sailing unit!" A Hookerbot spoke "Stop tempting me!" Bender pleaded "For once in my life I have inner peace." "Pfft! That's for losers." Fry spoke "C'mon, sin your heart out!" "Go nuts!" Leela added "Live a little." Added the Hookerbot "Could you hold my purse for a minute?" the woman with the purse spoke. "Go for it, Bender." Derpy spoke with a smug "You know you wanna!" "...Well..." Bender spoke. Bender danced with the Stripperbots and laughed wildly "I'm the greatest!!!" He shouted, opening the woman's snagged purse and made it rain "Woo-hoo!!!" "Look's like we got the old Bender back!" Fry spoke "You know it, pork pie! Except for one thing." He ripped the Robotology symbol off his chest and throws it over his shoulder. It sunk into a bowl of something." In the morning, the crew visited the Trump Trapezoid, as Bender was there last night. They stood in Bender's room, seeing scorch marks where Bender fell, seeing that he was dragged out of the room. "What in hell happened to Bender?" Leela asked "Well he didn't check out. The ashtray's still here." Fry spoke. Nibbler yelped at something. "Look, Nibbler's caught the scent of vodka and motor oil!" "So!?" Derpy replied "I can do the same thing!" She sniffed, but her cheeks perked up. She reswallowed her vomit. "On second thought, let the monkey find him." They all ran out of the room. After some running, they made it outside of an abandoned park called 'Reckless Ted's Funland'. "Wait! I remember this place." Fry spoke "They shut it down after all those people caught salmonella from the flume ride." Nibbler lead the three to a ride called The Inferno. They opened the door and looked around. "Hmm. Look! It's the symbol of Bender's old religion." Leela spoke, pointing at the same sign. Derpy pressed the button and the crazy mirror beside it slid upwards, revealing that it is Robot Hell. "Unbelievable." Fry gasped "It's an actual, factual Robot Hell." "Who would've thought hell would really exist?" Leela asked "And that it would be in New Jersey!" "I point at Snooki." Derpy commented. A trap door opens beneath them, making Fry and Leela fall and scream as they disappear down a twisting fun slide. Derpy flapped her wings and descended down into Robot hell. She heard what was singing and flew to it. Unbeknownst to her, she got caught in some wires, shocking her with electricity. Said Electricity made Hell go haywire... followed by an Explosion. Everyone screamed as they went above in the sky and fell on the floor, hard. All the robots around quickly got up and ran for their robotic lives as the head of what was a Robot devil was on the floor. "Get back here!" He shouted "I need to torture you all!" "Well... that was something." Bender spoke, standing up along with Fry and Leela. "Aw, I kinda felt like singing." Fry whined. "We can sing here if you want." the robot devil's head suggested. "Hell no!" Bender yelled, kicking the head away. "Wait! Where's Nibbler and Derpy!?" Leela spoke, panicking. "Nibbler!? Derpy!?" Nibbler came out of the corner, making it's usual noise. "Nibbler! Where's Derpy?" Nibbler turned it's head, but opened its mouth and puked out Derpy. Derpy sat on her haunches, covered in saliva, and shivered with wide eyes. "Ew!" Fry spoke. "Ah, I'll get her." Bender spoke, picking Derpy up, but was also disgusted. "I suppose I should thank you all for saving me from hell. Ooh! A golden Violin!" He quickly stashed a golden violin on the floor. "Never... join... another religion." Derpy spoke "And I won't! Let's get you washed up; don't want the devil to follow us again." And with that, they walked away. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
A Flight to Remember.The crew landed back in the Planet Express building. Their hair was ruffled, their clothes are torn and dirty, all because of a delivery/ "That was the worst delivery ever." Leela spoke "Yeah. I'm never going to another planet called "Cannibalon"!" Fry added " Me neither." Bender added "Food was good, though." Derpy followed, wearing what a golden crown on her head and holding a scepter with her face on it. "You guys are crazy." She spoke "I'm a God to those idiots!" They walked into the meeting where, where Farnsworth sat at the table, drinking tea. "Oh, great news, everyone!" He spoke "Shove it! We quit!" Bender yelled "They do!" Derpy quickly spoke "I don't!" "In that case, I'll have to hire a new crew to go on our company vacation." Farnsworth replied "Vacation!?" Derpy and Leela asked in unison "Alright!" Bender cheered, high-fiving Fry. "This is great!" Fry spoke "I haven't had time off since I was 21 through 24." "It's just my way of thanking you for not reporting my countless violations of safety and minimum wage laws." The Professor complimented. "Aww, you!" Bender replied, knocking Farnsworth affectionately on the shoulder. "Wait? We can report that crap?" Derpy asked. "I've booked us all on the maiden voyage of the largest, most luxurious space cruise ship ever built." The professor continued, pulling out a brochure. "The Titanic!" "...Looks nice." Leela commented. Derpy flapped her wings. "I gotta tell Mario about this!" She spoke before flying off. "MARIO!!! GET THE BOOMBOX READY!!!" The entire staff emerged from the travel tubes in the departure area, which looks similar to that of an airport from Fry's time. While everyone brought their own luggage, Derpy sat on Mario's head, who was carrying her luggage, though slow. "Mistress," Mario whined "I don't think you need all of this stuff!" "Quit your whining!" Derpy replied "High Ho! Mario away!!!" "I sense a huge load of Irony." "Hey, uh, where's my suitcase?" Fry asked. His suitcase flew out from the tube and knocks him. Everyone stood in the crowd as Mayor Poopenmeyer stood in front of the Titanic and gave a speech. "As Mayor of New New York, it's my pleasure to introduce the honorary captain for the Titanic's maiden voyage. A man who single-handedly defeated the Retiree People of the Assisted Living Nebula: Zapp Brannigan!" Zapp walked forward and waved to the crowd. The crowd cheered and applaud. "Oh, God! Not Zapp Brannigan!" Derpy and Leela yelled in unison. "You know Zapp Brannigan?" Zpidberg asked "Let's just say we've "crossed paths"." Leela answered "Was that before or after you slept with him?" Bender asked "Shut up!" Derpy yelled, pulling a hammer and knocking Bender's antennae in. "If I had my laser, then I'd Exterminate him!" Mario added "Then I'd exterminate you all!" "She's a beautiful ship, alright." Zapp spoke "Shapely ... seductive. I'm gonna fly her brains out." The crowd applauded. Zapp held up his hand and they stop. "And now, without further adieu, I christen this ship, Titanic." Kif handed him Leonardo DiCaprio's head in a jar. Zapp smashes it against the side of the ship, DiCaprio's head bounces away as the crowd applauds and cheers. Derpy flew and took Leonardo's head. "Aw, it's okay," she spoke "I'm pretty sure you got that Oscar!" Leonardo teared up and whined. "WHY DIDN'T I WIN AN OSCAR!?!?!?" "Oh! That wasn't you that played as you not winning on Oscar, Ironically winning an Oscar at the Oscar awards?" He bawled even louder. She hugged him and patted his. "Aw, it's alright. Al least you can forget J. Edgar." "Thanks." The head of J. Edgar Hoover spoke sarcastically before being rolled in. Derpy saw Leela approaching to Zapp. "Sorry, but I'm gonna need you for this." She flew up and dropped Leonardo onto Zapp's head, knocking both unconscious. Derpy landed and took out an Oscar she stole on Cannibalon, hastily posting Leonardo's name onto it, and leaving it next to the head. "There. That's Oscar worthy." The Titanic left earth and began it's cruise with everyone onboard. The crew walked across polished floors and past a grand wooden staircase of the First Class State Room, stopping at Farnsworth's Stateroom. Mario, Derpy, and Bender stopped, seeing a well-dressed Fembot. Bender Purred. "Ooh! Sexy Fembot." Derpy teased "I'd love to see her parts." "What the-!?" Bender yelled, running into the room embarrassed. "She is no Dalek," Mario commented, turning and entering the room. "But will be a good target to Exterminate." The two entered the room. "Now, Hermes," Farnsworth spoke "you and your lovely wife, LaBarbara, have the suite through there. And Dr. Zoidberg, your marble tank is on the other side. "Man, first class seems nice." Fry spoke, bouncing on a green chair. Derpy rested on the side of chair's arms, rolling into a ball with what sounded like a small purr. "Yeah, this is nice." she added. "It'll be even nicer once you've seen your room." Farnsworth replied, handing Amy the key. The crew, Amy, Derpy, and Mario entered an elevator. " Looks like we're on the Fiesta Deck." Amy said, pressing a button. The Elevator descended and they saw the floors they passed; The second class deck contained lots of T-shirt wearing tourists with fat children and cameras. "Eh, too noisy." Derpy commented. The Steerage had where lots of stereotypical Irish people dancing. "Ooh! That looks fun!" laundry was already filled with clothes in the process of being, well, washed "I feel kinda sick." the bowels the ship had men shoveling coal into furnaces. "Ooh! I think I see some sexy guys in there!" It stopped at the Fiesta deck and the doors opens to a dank, dripping corridor. They walked for a moment and found their room. "This is it." Leela announced, though not very excited. She opened the door and groaned. "Well at least we get a window!" Fry cheered, pulling a blind up and is blasted in the face with reactor fumes. "Well, I'm tired of this room and everyone in it." Bender spoke "If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna pop over to the casino for the next 135 hours!" " I think I'll go and fill up on bisque at the buffet." Amy added "And I'm gonna join that party!" Derpy added, putting on a leprechaun hat from her luggage. "Let's dance away, Mario!!! And make me a sibling, you too!" "DERPY!!!" Fry and Leela shouted in unison. "EXTERMINATE!!!" Mario yelled, rolling to the elevator. Derpy and Mario entered the Steerage, all of the Irish people dancing wildly while drinking booze. "Look, Mario!" Derpy pointed "Power for your systems!" "Daleks do not consume Alcohol!" Mario yelled "Oi! The keg is here!" One of the Irishmen yelled, grabbing Mario. "I AM NOT A KEG!!!" "The Keg can talk!" Another Irishman yelled "It's a beerbot!!!" "I AM NOT A BEERBOT!!!" "Drink Harty, my friends!" The Irishmen took Mario away from Derpy. "Wait!" Derpy yelled, giving flapping her wings "Mario! I'm-" "Allons-y!!!" The familiar voice spoke. Derpy froze and looked around. Then, in a corner, next to some women, was the strange stallion himself. He wore what looked liked a robot on his back; it's arms mimicking his front hooves, the legs copying his back hooves, fake pupils that blinked whenever he did underneath a pair of goggles. Derpy approached him as the women laughed at one of his jokes. "Make a potassium joke?" He asked "K!" He and the women laughed. "Oh, Doctor!" one of them spoke "Where do you get these jokes!?" "Why, my dear friend, it's just my natural ability to mix science and comedy. You can say it's... a good Chemistry!" they laughed again. "Uh, sir?" Derpy spoke. "Who said that?" The robot top looked around, then below. "Ah! 'Allo, what's this? Is that... a pegasus? Did we meet before? Inside the bowels of a space whale?" "A space whale? No, but why are you wearing a robot on you?" "Robot? I have no idea what you mean. I'm just a natural human on board the mighty vessel of-" As he monologued, Derpy walked to the stallion and took the goggles off. The robot deactivated, revealing that there was a hologram around it, and fell off. The Stallion froze in place and looked around. The cheerful music stopped as everyone turned around to see him. "Uh... Neigh?" "GET 'IM!!!" One of the Irishwomen spoke. The crowd bursted into a violent rage, the strange stallion running for his life, avoiding any kicks and things thrown at him, along with Derpy. The two ran into and exited through the elevator. They panted, catching their breath. "Guess... I won't need this." Derpy panted, dropping her hat. The Stallion stood up and coughed into his right front hoof. "How did you see me past my disguise?" He asked "It's wasn't that hard. Your disguise sucked!" "Wasn't hard? Wait... what's wrong with your eyes?" She glared at him. "'What's wrong with my eyes'? Got a problem with my eyes!?" "N-Not what I meant! Well... they're not exactly... straight... and I think I can-" "I was born this way, Jackass! I don't need help! I can see just fine! And you told me that I'd meet you here!" "Wait! I did!?" "Yeah! About a month ago!" The Doctor stared for a moment, then pondered to himself. "Hm... A Month ago?" "Yeah, and with your twin brother." "Twin Brother!?" "Looked exactly like you, but had a different accent." "Twing Brother? A month ago? Hm... what's your name?" "It's Derpy. Derpy Hooves. And who are you, sir?" "The Doctor." "Doctor Who?" "Exactly!" "Exactly what?" "That!" "What's that!?" "What's what?" "Wait... whait!?" "Who." "You?" "Dr. Who." "Dr. Who?" "Yes." She stared at him. "Okay, enough games! Show me your box!" "Box?" She grabbed his bowtie "We're not doing this again! Where's your blue box!?" "Oh! You mean the TARDIS?" "TARDIS?" "It's short for Time And Relative Dimension In Space." "...Okay. Can you show me it?" "Can you release me?" "Sure." She released him. "Oof! You know, for a little thing like you, you have quite the grip." The door opened and they exited into the Casino. "Thanks. I train hard with my mother." "And who is your mom?" "Turanga Leela. She's a cyclops." "Wait... did you just say Cyclops!?" "Yep! She told me to not be embarrassed by my looks." "Oh... she sounds nice." "She is, until you make her angry and she kicks you ass." "Oh. Have any other family?" "Well... there's Fry, my deadbeat uncle. Hermes, my bureaucratic uncle. Professor Farnsworth, sorta my genius grandpa. Amy, my rich and cute aunt. That one Janitor no one knows, that Decapodian-" "A what!?" "Zoidberg's a complete quack, and- Hey! Bender!!!" She ran to Bender, who sat in front of an i-Zac robot, which looked liked it had an afro and mustache. She sat next to him. "Hey, Derpy." Bender greeted "Tired of dealing with those alcoholic idiots and want to hang out where the good booze is at?" "Not really. I got kicked out." "Aw, too bad. ...Did you bring some gold with you?" "Yep!" She pulled out a huge pot of gold. "I even stole their lucky charms!" She pulled out a box of Lucky Charms. Bender giggled. "And I thought for a minute you actually stole LUCKY charms!" "Eh, it would've been too heavy." The doctor poked at Bender's ass, making him jump. "Hey! Who's touching my ass!?" "Incredible!" The doctor commented "A robot that's nearly as sentient as that of a human being!?" "Oh, I though you were commenting on my glorious ass." "Quite the foul mouthed one, aren't you?" "Ahem." Derpy interrupted. "Bender, meet the Stallion. Stallion, meet Bender." "It's the Doctor. Quite obliged." "Eh, whatever." Bender dismissed "Go and do what you want to do. If you get in trouble, remember?" "I do." Derpy replied "Bribe them." "Good girl. Now, if you excuse me, I got myself a countess to acquaintance myself with." Derpy whistled at him. "Be sure to take her land." "Oh, I will do more than that!" He got off and made his way to the countess. Derpy and the Doctor continued their way. "You steal?" He asked as they entered another elevator, heading to the rooftop. "I don't get in trouble if I'm not caught." Derpy replied with a smug. "Really? What have you stolen?" "This metal stick you have." she held the weird invention in her hoof. The doctor patted himself. "How did you-!?" "I'm that good." "Gimme that!" He snatched it away from her. "That's the tool I use and trust in the most! It's saved not just my life multiple times, but other lives as well!" She was surprised at his actions. He wasn't lying at all, but was genuine. "Oh... I'm sorry. I-I didn't realize it was that important to you." "...It's alright. Just don't snag it again." They exited the elevator and headed to the rooftop. At the very end, the Stallion's blue box stood there, almost standing & telling both of the 'I've been waiting'. The doctor approached the TARDIS and laid his head on the side, gently petting it with his right hoof. "Hey, sexy. I'm black, like I said." "Are... are you seriously talking to a box?" "Shh! Don't say that around her! Oh, it's okay, she didn't mean it. Derpy, you may not believe it, but the TARDIS is a living machine, able to feel like us, but she's hesitant around new people. Think of her... as a cat." "...okay?" She walked to the TARDIS, but looked over the railing. Below her, Leela and Fry stood together. Below them, Hermes & his wife, LaBarbara, Bender & the Countess, and Amy's parents. And, below them, was Zoidberg & a jellyfish woman, and the Professor with the crazy old woman from Fry & Bender's other apartment. "Looks like everybody's got somebody." Derpy and Leela spoke in unison without hearing each other. "Except me. "And me." Fry and the Doctor spoke as well. Derpy looked at him. "But didn't you say-?" she asked "I did." He interrupted "but she's a machine, and she's more or less a close friend." Derpy stared at him. Her heart began to pound, loud, louder, and louder! Soon, she could only hear her heart pounding almsot a hundred times per second. He tilted his head in curiosity. "Are you-?" "NO!!! I'm not in love with you!!! What do you think I am!? A Cougar!? I'm no cougar! In fact! I hope this ships goes into a blackhole before I get feelings for you!!!" The place shook and the Doctor fell on her, both accidentally locking lips and kissing! Derpy quickly struggled, but it ended as quick, and she grabbed onto the Doctor's head, keeping him from preventing their accidental kiss. The Doctor, however, noticed, and struggled, kicking her off! "What the-!? What did you just-!?" "I LOVE YOU!!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHY, BUT I LOVE YOU!!!" He quickly got up, but the place shook again. He turned around, only to see that they were heading straight to a blackhole. "...We're heading straight to a blackhole." "GOD DAMN IT!!!" "To the TARDIS! That's our way out!" He ran and opened the TARDIS's door entering. Derpy followed, but gasped as she entered. "It's bigger on the inside!" The doctor chuckled at what she said. "I love it when they say that." "Who?" "Better hold on to something! This is gonna get rough! ALLONS-Y!!!" He pulled a lever and the place shook. Derpy held onto the railing inside. "Gotta make a quick save and... NOW!!!" The door opened and the Countess that Bender was after entered. "Oh! Gracious me!" she spoke "Doctor!? You came back!" "Of course I did, my assistant." "ASSISTANT!?!?!?" Derpy yelled "Yes, she's my assistant. I always have one on my adventures. Where were you, Countess de la Roca?" "Oh, my apologies, Doctor." The robot replied, standing up. "I was in the Casino, hoping to win some more money, up until this Bender unit approached me, winning me over, Doctor." "Countess? Need I remind you on finding love?" "No, Doctor. I remember." "Oh crap!" Derpy yelled "I forgot about my assistant, Mario!!!" "Mario?" The Doctor asked "He was in the same room where we meet!" "Oh, give me a second... and... now!" The door opened again and Mario entered. Derpy flew to Mario, who crashed onto one of the walls. "Mario!? Say something!" Mario looked around and saw the Doctor, who gasped. "THE DOCTOR!?!?!?" Mario yelled in anger. "A DALEK!?!?!?" The Doctor yelled, but in fear. "EXTERMINATE!!! EXTERMINATE!!!" The doctor ran behind the controls and pulled out both the device that saved his life, and a boombox. He aimed it at the boombox, which glowed blow, and loud music played. Mario screamed while turning around in circles. "Mario!?" Derpy asked, concerned. "What's happening!?" She turned to the Doctor "And what are you doing!?" "I'm saving your life!" He yelled back. Derpy charged and knocked the boombox, smashing it underneath her hooves. The Doctor Tackled Derpy away. "What are you doing!? Didn't you hear what I said!?" "I did! You're hurting my friend!" "Friend!? Mario is not your friend! He's a Dalek!" "That's what he says! He's funny!" "No! Daleks aren't funny! They are cold, calculative, heartless blobs of mass within that machine you see! It is using you to do what it wants, and when it's finished, you will be killed! I have seen my kind become extinct because of them! Because of them, I am alone in this galaxy!!! Because of them, I am the JUDGE, JURY, AND EXECUTIONER OF WHO LIVES AND WHO DIES!!! I AM THE DOCTOR!!! I AM THE ONE WHO CAN SAVE YOU, SO LISTEN TO ME!!!" Derpy shook wildly at the stallion. For someone who was pretty funny, a bit calm with some forms of panic when they meet, this was the first time he was actually frightening. "... We're the last of our kind?" she whimpered, tearing up a bit. He stared for a bit, but took a deep, rubbing his forehead. "No, you aren't. I am." "...What?" "It's hard to explain, but-" "Doctor." Countess de la Roca interrupted. "It's safe." "Safe!? How!?" "'Mario's' blaster is blown off. All he can do is scan." The doctor climbed the ladder, followed by Derpy. Mario stared at the Doctor, his glowing blue 'eye' never leaving him. "So, you can't kill anyone?" "Incorrect, Doctor." Mario replied "I can't exterminate anyone at will! There are other ways to kill you!" "Aw, but without your stupid blaster, you're utterly useless!" "I am not useless! I am a Dalek at heart! I am-" Derpy landed on his head. "He's my friend." Derpy interrupted "Assistant." The Doctor stared at the two, then smiled. "Well, it seems you aren't wrong, Derpy." He spoke, turning back to the controls. "Now, where do you live?" "The Planet Express Building." Derpy replied. "Um... and Doctor?" "Yes?" "You... you're frightening." "...I'm sorry, but had I known... 'Mario'... wasn't functioning well, then this would be a different story. And we're here!" "Already?" Derpy asked "How?" "What the hell is this!?" Bender's voice was heard, muffled. "Oh thank God!" Fry spoke "I need to use the bathroom really bad!" Derpy blinked. "Well, it's nice being with you." The Doctor spoke, heading to the controls. "What are you doing?" Derpy asked "Going wherever I go. But rest assure, Derpy, we will meet again! Hopefully, you'll understand more." The TARDIS began to appear & dissapear with the same sound from earlier, along with the Doctor and Countess de la Roca, until they were gone. Derpy and Mario stood still, blinking. "Aw, the bathroom left." Fry whined. "Derpy!?" Leela asked in shock, grabbing and hugging her tightly. "Where were you!? I was worried sick!!! What happened!?" "... I meet that strange stallion." she spoke. "That guy?" Bender asked "Yeah... call me crazy, but I think he's a time traveler." "What makes you say that?" Farnsworth asked "...Just a hunch." Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
Mars UniversityInside Planet Express's Meeting Room, Bender, Fry, Derpy, and Leela sat around the table. Nothing was exciting; Bender has a bottle of Löbrau, Fry drank a can of Slurm (though he wasn't wearing his jacket), and Leela scratched behind Derpy's ear. Though everyone didn't see, Derpy was still wondering about that stallion; why was he like that? Why did she suddenly have feeling for him? When will they meet again? All of this stopped when Farnsworth entered with a large crate on a hover trolley. "Good news, everyone." He announced "We've got a very special delivery today." "Who's it going to?" Fry asked "Me." Bender dusts off his hands. "Another job well done." he spoke "No, I need it shipped to my office at Mars University. It's a little experiment that may well win me the Nobel Prize." "In what field?" Leela asked "I don't care, they all pay the same." Derpy flapped her wings and hovered near the box "Is it dangerous?" the filly asked "Oh, my, no." Derpy landed onto the box and the thing inside starts growling, shaking the box. Derpy flew and hid behind Leela. Farnsworth pulled a tranquilizer gun and loaded a tranquilizer dart into it. He pokes the gun through a hole in the crate and shoots whatever is inside. It whimpers, the shaking, and the growling stops. "Off we go!" The ship flew over and landed in an empty space of Mars University's Campus. Farnsworth took Fry, Leela, Derpy, and Bender on a tour of the university grounds. They walked past a statue of a big-skulled Martian with octopus-like tentacles wielding a laser gun on horseback. "Very impressive." Fry commented "Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars." "Well, in those days Mars was just a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland, uh, much like Utah." Farnsworth replied "But unlike Utah, it was eventually made livable, when the university was founded in 2636. "They planted traditional college foliage," Leela added "ivy, trees, hemp. Soon the whole planet was terraformed." "Does that mean it's safe to breathe the air?" Fry asked "Of course." Derpy replied "Idiot." Fry took some huge breaths. They stood outside a building called "Wong Library". The building is quite big, with "Socrates | Vos Savant | Cognitron" written across the top. "Over here is Wong Library." Farnsworth spoke "It has the largest collection of literature in the Western Universe." Both Fry and Derpy peek through the glass. The building is empty inside, save for a single table in the middle of the room with two discs labelled "Fiction" and "Non-Fiction" propped up on it. Both whistle, impressed. "Hey, look!" Bender pointed to a beaten up frat house with a neon 'ERR' sign atop it. All around, there's a smashed-up car, some kegs, a cable spool being used as a table, some dustbins, and some upturned chairs "There's a chapter of my old robot fraternity, Epsilon Rho Rho. "You went to college?" Derpy asked "Of course. I'm a bender, I went to Bending College. I majored in Bending." "What was your minor?" Fry asked "Robo-American Studies." They walked and stood outside Epsilon Rho Rho House. Bender knocked on the door and a dorky fratbot answered it. "Are you here to fumigate the moose head?" The robot asked "Uh, no, actually I'm an Epsilon from way back." They both did a crazy handshake full of tugs, whizzes and the creation of cosmic clouds. "Eh, close enough. C'mon in." "Thanks. Here's your finger back." The fratbot takes it and everyone followed. "All the coolest robots are in this fraternity." Inside, the place was a mess, and in another room, two other fratbots sit at a table with a chessboard. The room is also a mess, littered with empty pizza boxes, cans and books. A sock hangs over the moose head and there is a dartboard hanging on a door with darts jabbed in the wall around it. There is a pin-up of a Fembot and a Löbrau poster with a human woman on it on another wall. One of the other fratbots looks like he has glasses painted onto his face and the other one is very fat. Both were at a chessboard, though the game hasn't begun "Mate in 143 moves." The glasses one spoke "Oh, pooh!" The fat one spoke "You win again!" "Uh-oh, nerds!" Derpy and Bender gasped "Allow me to introduce myself." The door greeter spoke "I'm Gearshift, chapter president. This is Oily, and this here is Fat-bot." "You're all losers." Bender spoke "My name's Bender." The fratbots gasp. "Bender from Bending State Bender?" Oily asked "Wow, you're a legend around here!" "I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg, streaked across campus and crammed 58 humans into a phone booth." Fat-bot added. "Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children." Bender replied modestly "Anyway I should get going." "No, Bender, wait!" Gearshift spoke. "We're the lamest frat on campus. Even Hillel has better parties than us. Please, you've gotta stay and teach us how to be cool. "Hmm, OK. But I'll need 10 kegs of beer, a continuous tape of Louie Louie and a regulation two-storey panty-raid ladder. "Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!" Fat-Bot spoke, wiggling his fingers in excitement. "Ooh! That sounds cool!" Derpy spoke excitedly, then had a curious look. She turned to Leela. "What's a Panty raid?" Leela picked Derpy up. "Something immature boys do." she replied "Now come on, this is a robot thing, not a living thing." They left Bender with the Fratbots. Derpy turned and waved to Bender before leaving. "Bye, Uncle Bender!" On the University Campus, Fry, Leela, Derpy, and Farnsworth continued the tour. "I tell you, being here really takes me back to my college days." Fry spoke "Good old Coney Island College! Go, Whitefish!" "Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated type." Leela replied" "Oh, yeah?" He took a piece of paper out of his pocket with 'Notice of Failure to Graduate' written on it, with the CICC logo as a Ferris wheel. "Read it and weep. I'm a certified college dropout." Derpy facehoofed herself "Please! Everyone knows 20th century colleges were basically expensive daycare centers." "That's true." Farnsworth added "By current academic standards, you're merely a high school dropout." "What!?" Fry asked "That's not fair. I deserve the same respect any other college dropout gets. By God, I'm gonna enroll here at Mars University and drop out all over again!" "You won't last two weeks." Derpy replied "Aww, thanks for believing in me." Fry ruffled her mane. For the whole day, Derpy sticked with Leela. She had heard about Fry attending Farnsworth's class, something he made up so no student would take it, and she saw Bender with the other Fratbots running away from some snooty men. But, they both followed Fry to his room, located in the 'Financial Aid Dorm'. "Hey, pretty nice for a single." Fry spoke, examining his room. "Two desks, two chairs, a couple of beds." A knock came to the door. "A woodpecker." "I think that's your roommate." Derpy spoke "Oh, right, cool. C'mon in, roomie!" He opens the door but there is no one there. He looks down and sees a monkey wearing a bowler hat and carrying two cases. "What the-?" "I call top bunk!" The monkey spoke. It climbed over Fry onto the top bunk. Fry spits and the monkey sighs as it sat on it's bed. Derpy stared in awkwardness as the monkey hums, emptying it's case. It takes out a toothbrush and toothpaste, a hairbrush and a hairdryer. "My roommate's a monkey?" "Brilliant deduction, you're a credit to your species." Farnsworth entered, pushing the empty crate. "Ah, Fry, I see you've met Guenter!" He spoke "You know each other?" Fry asked "Guenter is my experiment. He was the top secret contents of this stinking crate." "I'd rather live in a crate than share a room with this dork." Guenter spoke. Derpy flapped her wings and pointed to the empty crate. "Be my guest!" she spoke. "So what makes Guenter talk?" Leela asked "Is he genetically engineered?" Fry added. Derpy landed near Guenter and poked his fur. "Is he a fuzzy midget?" she asked "Oh, please!" Farnsworth replied "That's preposterous science-fiction mumbo-jumbo, and that's too funny! Guenter's intelligence actually lies in his electronium hat, which harnesses the power of sunspots to produce cognitive radiation." Both Fry and Derpy scratch their heads in confusion. Guenter scoffed. "You're wasting your breath, Professor." He spoke "They'll never understand a word of it." "...I'm a kid, jackass." Derpy replied. "And I understand the word "hat"!" Fry replied, reaching for Guenter's hat. "Please, stop bickering!" Farnsworth shouted "I arranged that you be roommates for a reason: So I'd only have to remember one phone number. Now shake hands and make up." Fry and Guenter shook hand. Fry held up a banana. "You want a banana?" He asked "I don't eat bananas." Guenter replied, crossing his arms. "I prefer banana-flavoured energy bars made from tofu." Fry narrowed his eyes. "...Banana muffin?" Derpy asked, holding one. "...I'll accept that." "I now like you!" In the following afternoon, as she was going to meet Fry at the local Cafe, Derpy saw the stallion! He was in an astronaut suit with a Fez taped to the dome, and he was inspecting the fountain with the weird device from the Titanic. She approached him. "Uh... hello?" she asked. He looked around, then down to her. "Ah! 'Allo there! Been a while since we bumped into each other." "Yeah. It has been. Say... about what happened before... on the Titanic. I... I don't know what came over me." "I can already think of a few things." He took some water in a small beaker. "Probably because of your surprisingly high intelligence, despite being a foal, you may have reversed back in time; perhaps it's because you haven't many other... what's the plural word for pegasus? Pegaseses? Pegasi? ...Oh, nevermind. You just feel lonely, that's all." "Lonely? But I have a great family!" "True, but it doesn't mean you can't feel like you're the only one of your kind." "... Oh. Just like my mom?" "...The cyclops?" she nodded "Hm... I haven't seen any cyclops planet yet, but, with endless possibilities, I'm sure she'll find her kind, soon enough, just like you." "...Do you feel the same way?" He stopped in his tracks. He then let out a deep sigh. "Sadly, yes. But don't take pity for me; I am but a traveler that loves the field of science!" "Oh. Say... what are you doing with the water?" "Just checking to see if there's a water-borne virus that causes people's bodies to generate copious amounts of water and become zombie-like in movement." "...What?" "Just one thing I learned when I came to this planet in 2059. OOPS!!!" "Wait? 2059? But that's-" "Gotta go!!!" He ran into the blue box, which was in the middle of the field, and exited. Derpy blinked, then smiled. "I knew it! He's a Time Traveler!" Later that night, in one of the buildings, a Parent's Reception was going on. A string quartet plays in the corner of the room near a portrait of Dean Vernon, the owner of Mars University, holding his model ship. The room is well-decorated, with bookshelves lined with old books, chandeliers and large armchairs. Guests include the boys from Snooty House and the fratbots. Derpy, though not a student, nor a parent, wore a matching, long, white dress that Amy wore. She stood near Fry, who scooped up some hors d'evours from the buffet and shovels them in his mouth. Guenter sidles up beside him "Sorry I'm late," Guenter began "I was off at a study session ... with Chrissy." Fry carried on his chewing, but narrowed his eyes. "Oh, I'm glad you made it, Guenter." Farnsworth spoke "Because in honor of parents weekend I have a special surprise for you." He pulled a purple sheet off a cage. There are two monkeys inside. "Mom!? Dad!? What are you doing here!?" The monkeys start jumping around and shake the cage bars. The other guests stare and Guenter covers his eyes. "This is so humiliating." I hope my parents aren't like that! Derpy thought to herself. Fry threw some bananas into the cage. "Now these monkeys I like!" He said with a chuckle. The monkeys chomp the bananas and jump around again. "What's that? You wanna come out?" He unlocks the cage. "No! Stop!" Guenter yelled. The cage door falls open and the monkeys run out. One jumps into the punch bowl and splashes around and another jumps onto a snooty boy and knocks him over. The other guests run away. "DUCK AND COVER!!!" Derpy yelled! Fry, Leela and Farnsworth duck underneath a table "What's that they're flinging at us?" Farnsworth asked "CRAP!!!" "Oh, dear Lord! All over the dean!" Guenter whined, covering his face. "Hey, uh, Guenter?" Fry mocked "Why don't you get up on the chandelier with your parents and I'll take a picture?" Guenter's parents swing around on the chandelier. He groans and runs out. "Well, looks like the party's winding down." Bender commented "Let's take a road trip to Tijuana and get Fat-bot some action." Oily and Gearshift high-five. "It's my first time, I'm really nervous." Fat-bot spoke, then ate the portrait of Vernon. Vernon wipes his face and sees. "Robot House!" He shouted Fry, Leela and Derpy all stand in thr Financial Aid Dorm Corridor, in front of Fry and Guenter's room "What you did to Guenter was cruel." Leela scolded "At the risk of sounding like an after-school special, I think we learned who the real animal was today. "You mean peer pressure?" Fry asked. Derpy slapped him across the face. "You!" she yelled. Fry wiped his cheek and opened the door. The room is dark and Guenter's shadow is cast onto the wall. He held something and points it at the three. Fry and Derpy gasp, hiding behind Leela. "Look out! He's got a gun!" Both Fry and Derpy screamed. Leela turned the lights on. Guenter sat in the corner of the room, crying, and surrounded by banana skins. He's holding a banana "Leave me alone." Guenter sniffed "Hey, what's going on?" Leela asked in her motherly tone. "I thought you didn't like bananas." "Of course I do. I try so hard to fit in but seeing my parents act like that made me realize I'm just a primitive beast." "Hey, hey, cheer up." Fry said "Not everyone turns out like their parents. I mean, look at me: My folks were honest, hard-working people." "And I'm not a human." Derpy added. "Nor a cyclops." "Besides, Guenter," Leela spoke "you're not like other monkeys. You've got the hat." "So what?" Guenter replied "I mean, sure, it looks cool and it makes me smart but it doesn't make me happy." He sobbed some more "That's so sad. I didn't even know monkeys could cry." "They can't. It's all the hat." He sobs even more Fry kneeled down and put his hand on Guenter's shoulder "Look, Guenter," he replied "if you're so miserable here, maybe you should just go back to the jungle." "The jungle. ...But I couldn't do that to the Professor. I'm his prize experiment, and he's like a father to me." "But he's not your father. That guy in the punch bowl was your father." Fry and Derpy spat out a mouthful of punch. "You're not helping!" Derpy yelled. In the next day, after many mouthwashes that Derpy did herself, inside Fry's and Guenter's Room, Farnsworth stares and stroked at a photo of him and Guenter on a log flume ride, with Fry, Leela, and Derpy at his side. Apparently, Guenter snapped in the middle of a test, taking his hat off and ran to the nearby jungle. "Oh, poor Guenter." Farnsworth cried "So he just ran away in the middle of the exam?" Leela asked "I'm afraid so. All he handed in was a paper smeared with faeces. He tied with Fry." "I guess he realized I was right when I told him to go back to the jungle." Fry spoke "You what!? After I spent months slaving over a hot monkey brain?" "Hey, don't blame me. You tried to force Guenter to be a human, but he's an animal. He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus on one of those tiny tricycles. Now that's entertainment!" "Racist." Derpy simply said. "But Guenter's obviously better off being intelligent." Farnsworth retracted "Tell him, Leela." "Nuh-uh, I'm staying out of this." Leela replied "...Now here's my opinion: What we should do is..." She leans in and whispers something to them. "What!?" "I said we'll go to the jungle and let Guenter decide once and for all." "What!?" Inside Mars' Jungle, Leela cut through some thicket, Farnsworth, Derpy, and Fry followed. "Wow! The jungles on Mars look just like the jungles on Earth." Fry commented "Jungles? On Earth?" Farnsworth asked, followed by laughter. "Sorry, Michael Jackson." Derpy apologized, holding the head of the original king of pop. "I see some movement up there." Leela pointed "I think it's him." "Stand back!" He pulled a pin from a grenade and threw it into the bushes. It explodes and a purple gas envelopes the tree. Three toucans, two parrots, a frog, a lizard, a snake and tiger fall out of it flat on their backs.] "Oops." "Why the hell are there tigers here!?" Derpy demanded. "Who cares," Farnsworth replied "And Don't worry; They'll be fine once the tranquilizer wears off." They walk on, though Derpy stayed behind. She looked both ways and walked to one of the parrots, only for a huge elephant to fall from the tree and flatten the other creatures. "WHAT THE F-" A few hours later, the group peer through some leaves. "There's our man!" Fry spoke. Guenter sat on a rock, looking at his reflection in a river. "Professor, you'll offer Guenter the hat and, Fry, you'll offer him the banana." Leela simply said, holding out the hat and banana "We'll let him choose whether he wants to be intelligent or just a mindless animal." "Wait... then should we give him the hat to decide?" Derpy thought. "If he's a mindless animal now, wouldn't he pick the banana instantly? But if he's intelligent, would Grandpa win?" All three stared and blinked. "...She has a point." Fry spoke, though not knowing what she meant. "Hm... IDEA!!!" She took the hat and smashed it to the floor. "WHAT THE-!?" Farnsworth shouted "NOO~!!!" Derpy picked up the bits & pieces. "There! It's the banana or scrap!" She then placed the hat on Guenter "What the-!? Guenter yelled "Don't worry, Guenter. If I'm right on this, then the hat should be working at half capacity. So, what's it going to be? The nuts & bolts for the professor to make you smart again? Or Fry's banana to be... dumb?" "...Neither." "What!?" Everyone yelled " I like it like this. I actually feel sort of happy." " But what about your super-intelligence?" Farnsworth asked "When I had that, there was too much pressure to use it. All I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit. That's why I've decided to transfer to business school!" "NOO~!!!" "...Wait, what's that sound?" Leela asked. A motorboat got closer and closer. It's the fratbots. Bender water-skis behind a half ass repaired raft. "Ooh! See ya, chumps!" Derpy spoke, flapping her wings. "I'm going to get some robot fun! She flew over and landed right in front of the speeding raft. "WHEE~! "Hey, Bender, you sure this is a short-cut?" Gearshift asked "Not as sure as I was an hour ago!" Bender replied. Downriver, the fratbots and Derpy came to a huge waterfall. They all scream (though with Derpy, it was fun) and go over the edge. Derpy overed while the other hit some rocks at the bottom and disappear underwater. She landed on a rock, took a deep breath, and dived into the water, following Bender and the Fratbots with her doggy paddles. Above, the Snooty men were a foot from victory. "And the winner is..." Dean began. The fratbots, with Derpy on Bender's head, appear and walk across the finish line with their raft draped around them. "ROBOT HOUSE!?!?!?" "We win!" Derpy cheered. "Now let's get drunk!" On the Mars University Campus. Dean Vernon reluctantly heads the parade, honoring the robots of ERR. Fat-bot stands at the front of the float and waves to everyone. Farnsworth, Derpy, and Amy are on the float as well. Guenter leaps on and Farnsworth pats him on the head. "Come on, everyone!" Bender shouted "Big party in Robot House!" "Bring your own beer!" Derpy shouted, trying to open a bottle herself. The students cheer and dance to Lloyd Williams' Shout. Fry Dropped Out Successfully And Returned To His Dead-End Delivery Job Guenter Got His MBA And Became President Of The Fox Network Fat-bot Caught A Computer Virus In Tijuana And Had To Be Rebooted Leela Went On One Date With Dean Vernon, But He Never Called Again His Job Done, Bender Stole Everything Of Value From Robot House And Ran Off Derpy Had Her First Bottle Of Beer And Went On A Violent Rampage. She Is No Longer Allowed To Be On Mars University's Campus. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
Fry and the Slurm FactoryIn the Planet Express Lounge, Late at night, Fry, Derpy, and Bender sat on the couch. Fry drank some Slurm they watch 'All My Circuits' on the TV. In the show, Calculon opens the door to his bedroom. "Honey unit, I'm home." He announced, followed by gasping "Monique!" Monique is in bed with Boxy. She pulled the sheets up around her. "Calculon!" She replied. Boxy beeps. "Bastard!" Derpy yelled "Oh, how I wish I could believe that." Calculon spoke "You may be my evil half-brother, but there's no law against murdering the other half!" He pulled a gun out and aimed it at Boxy. The screen changes to the 'All My Circuits' logo. "All My Circuits will be right back after this word from... Slurm! It's highly addictive!" A hand takes a can of Slurm off the screen. The hand belongs to a surfing slug. Two babes on a beach watch him. "Look! It's Slurms MacKenzie!" A darker babe yelled "He's the original party worm!" The other, lighter babe added. Slurms surfs onto the beach between the girls and they stroke him. "Whimmy-wham-wham-wazzle! Let's party!" Slurms anounced. He and the babes dance on the beach and are joined by other dancing people. They all drink cans of Slurm. "Look at that worm go." Bender commented "Who says there are no more heroes?" "...Travis Touchdown?" Derpy asked. On the TV, Slurms surfs with the two babes. "Hey, dudes!" he spoke to the camera "You can win a chance to party with me, Slurms MacKenzie, at the Slurm bottling plant on planet Wormulon!" A still picture of Slurms playing a guitar with the babes and a crate of Slurm appears on the screen with the words 'Win A Trip' "Just look for the winning bottle-cap inside specially-marked cans of Slurm." Another announcer spoke. Back on the board, the babe shakes something out of her Slurm can and shows it to the camera. It is a bottle-cap with 'You Win!' printed on it. She gasped "I won!" She said to the camera "No purchase necessary unless you wish to enter the contest. Odds of winning mathematically insignificant." As he said that, disclaimers appeared on screen reading: Slurm Has Been Found To Cause Cancer In Laboratory Humans; Employees Of Slurm Corp. And Their Families Are Eligible To Enter And Will Probably Win; and something in alien. "I like those odds." Fry said to himself. "How come Space wasps, space beavers, any other animal with the word 'Space' in front of it, space chickens and the elusive yak-face, are ineligible to enter?" Derpy asked. The two stared at her blankly. "...What? I can read." Something rattles around in Fry's can and he gasps. He empties it onto his hand. It's a tooth. "Rats. Just another tooth." He said to himself. He threw his empty can onto a pile of other cans and drops his tooth onto the floor along with another nine that have fallen out. He opens another can, drinks from it and sighs. He smiles a big toothless smile. "...I'll get the fake ones." Derpy groaned, flying to the laboratory. In the Planet Express Meeting Room, the staff sat around the table watching Fry guzzle down another can of Slurm. Fry shakes the can upside-down and looks inside. "You're A Loser" is printed on the bottom. He groans. "I gotta find that golden bottle-cap." He throws the can behind him, opens another one and starts drinking it. "I've never seen anyone so addicted to Slurm." Leela commented "This is nothing. Back in high school I used to drink a hundred cans of cola a week. Right up until my third heart attack." The door opened and Bender stood in the doorway clutching his door and groaning. His antenna is wilted and he is a slightly redder color. "Bender, what's wrong?" "I'm sick." He replied weakly, followed by him sneezing with his eyes popping out and back in again. "You poor baby. Let me check if you have a fever." She puts the back of her hand against his head and it sizzles. She pulls it away quickly. "Ow!" Farnsworth opens Bender's door with his lab coat acting as a glove. "According to Bender's temperature gauge, which I suggest you use next time, Leela," He said "he's running a fever of ... 900 degrees." He closes the door and Bender groans. Hermes fluffs a cushion on a couch in the corner. "Bender, mon, lie yourself down." Hermes said. Bender laid on the couch and it bursts into flames. It burns away and leaves nothing but ash. Bender falls to the floor. "My couch!" Derpy screamed "You're paying for that!" Everyone stood inside Zoidberg's Office, though Derpy wore pillow cushions all over her. Bender sat on the examination table "I'll have a look, but I remind you, I'm an expert on humans not robots." Zoidberg spoke. "You're an expert on bullsh-" Derpy muffled, but fell onto her face before she could finish. Zoidberg shines a torch into Fry's eye. "I'm not Bender, I'm Fry." He said "Really? I though you were the robot." Zoiudberg replied in shock "Nope. Human." "Alright, alright, spare me your life story." He turned to Bender. "Now what seems to be the trouble?" "My tummy hurts and I've been having this burning electrical discharge." Bender answered Zoidberg runs a stethoscope across Bender's casing. "Hmm. Don't worry, you'll be fine." He turns to the rest of the staff "I didn't have the heart to tell him: It's fin fungus. He'll be floating upside-down by morning." He walks off tutting. Amy turned to Bender. "You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender." She said "Take some zinc." "I'm 40% zinc." Bender replied "Then take some Echinacea or a St. John's wort." "Or a big fat placebo. It's all the same crap." Farnsworth added Bender coughs and a sound comes from his chest cabinet. "Hey, what's rattling around in there?" Leela askes "It may well be the cause of Bender's illness." Farnsworth spoke "But more importantly, it's a flimsy pretext to try out my latest invention. To the laboratory!" He shuffles off very slowly and the rest quickly pass him. "Uh... little help?" Derpy muffled In Farnsworth's Lab, Farnsworth held up a torch-like object to the rest of the crew. "I call this the F-ray." He said "It's like an X-ray, only it allows you to see through anything, even metal. Now, the neutrino beam it emits is a tad dangerous, so you'll all need protective goggles. Amy, Hermes, Fry, Derpy, and Leela put on some goggles, but gasp when they see Farnsworth putting on a full-body radiation suit. He picked up the F-ray and turns to Bender. "You may feel a slight stinging sensation... all of you!" Farnsworth turned on the F-ray and shines it on Bender's casing. He adjusts it and the beam lights up Bender's inner workings. Farnsworth points the beam at Bender's head showing his CPU number, 6502, then he points it at his arms, feet and back to his body. A watch is jammed into Bender's workings. "Aha! There's the cause of your illness." "Hey, that's my watch!" Amy yelled "I was wondering where I put that." Bender said. He put his hand down his throat and hande Amy her watch through his door. He turns from the reddish colour back to his normal blue-grey colour. "Hey, now I feel much better! Thanks, Professor. And, Amy, I'm sorry I took your watch." She smiles and hugs him. Bender steals her earrings and chuckles, along with Derpy, holding a sign that read '50-50'. Amy moved away and he tosses the earrings down his throat, followed by a cough. Fry,Derpy, and Bender stay with Farnsworth while the others leave. Farnsworth took off his suit. "Well, I've got to go take this suit to the decontaminators." He said. "You three lock up the F-ray and, for the love of God, don't let it fall into the wrong hands." He handed it to them. They look at each other and chuckle. In the streets of New New York City Street, Derpy laid on Fry's head as he and Bender walked down the busy street with the F-ray. "What should we point it at first?" Bender asked "I 'unno." Fry replied "Try it on me." Bender turned it on and points it at Fry's crotch. Fry doubled over in pain, though Derpy laughed. "Ow! My sperm!" "Wow, neat! Mind if I try that again?" "Do it!" Derpy cheered. He points it at Fry's crotch again but nothing happens. "Huh, didn't hurt that time." Bender watched a Fembot walk past. "Whoa, mama! Hold still, sexy lady." Bender said, pointing the F-ray at her. He and Derpy gasped. "What's wrong?" "That's no lady!" Derpy answered "Damn Chico!" The 'Fembot' replied "One more upgrade and I'll be more lady than you can handle! Why you so stupid, stupid?" "Hey! Bite my furry little ass!" "You couldn't afford it, honey." It snaps it's fingers and walks off. Derpy looked at her hooves. "If only I had fingers." Inside a 7^11 convenience store, The three use the F-ray to look inside products such as Mom's Friendly Robot Oil, Bachelor Chow, Robo Fresh, Tanning Butter, Mr Baked Beans and Glagnar's Human Rinds. Fry groaned. "All this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty." He said. They saw a stack of Slurm cans in the corner, next to a life-sized cardboard stand-up of Slurms MacKenzie and the babes, with a speech bubble comes from Slurms' mouth with "Win A Party With Me" written on it. Fry picked up a can. "Ah, if only there was some way of knowing which can had the winning bottle-cap inside." Bender stops pointing the F-ray at some Hot Logs and turns to Fry. "Huh, w-what? I didn't hear you. I was too busy using this F-ray to look inside of things." "Wait a second. I'm getting an idea. N-No, false alarm. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Wait. No. Yeah. Yeah. No ... no. Ye-!" Derpy took the F-Ray and pointed it at the cans. "None are the winners, dumbass!" She yelled "Now come on! Let's cheat and win! Like Politics!" In the Planet Express Lounge, Leela and Farnsworth sit at the table playing 3D Scrabble. The door opened and Bender slams the F-ray onto the table, upsetting the letters.] "Ah, this thing stinks." Bender said "We checked 90,000 cans of Slurm and all we won was this junk." Fry added, pointing behind him to a cart full of Slurm merchandise including Slurm coats, a cooler of Slurm cans, eight Slurm blernsball caps, a Slurm motorbike and a Slurm jet-ski. Derpy held a Slurms MacKenzie plushie, snuggling it. "I'm fine with this." She said. "I never wanna see another can of Slurm again... Man, am I thirsty." He walked over to the fridge and takes out a refreshing can of Slurm. He starts guzzling it back and suddenly starts to cough and choke. "Fry, are you alright!?" Leela asked in shock. Bender picked up the F-ray and points it at Fry's neck. A Slurm bottle-cap with "You Win!" written on it is lodged in his throat. "You did it, Fry! You found the winning bottle-cap! We won!" Bender cheered. Fry cheered and wheeze. "Heimlich maneuver!!!" Derpy yelled. She flapped her wings and, with one of her hind legs, kicked the back of Fry's back. The cap flew out of Fry's mouth and landed in Derpy's hoof. She stood up, putting on a red bandana, and did a kung fu pose. The head of John Claude Van Dam was present. "...Nice." He commented. The Planet Express ship flew towards the Slurm planet. The planet has a ring and the "Slurm" logo is painted on it. The ship landed outside the Slurm Factory with a banner reading 'Welcome Contest Winners!' above the gates. The staff walked out of the ship down the steps. Outside the gates are four worms. Two of them play a fanfare and the gates open. A path leads from the gates up to a building. On the steps of the building two worms roll out a red carpet. The end of the carpet reaches the gates and a worm dressed in a purple suit with tophat popped out. "Welcome to the planet Wormulon!" He greeted "I'm Glurmo, your golly-rific guide to the splend-tacular Slurm factory!" "Uh-huh. Can we have our free Slurm now?" Fry asked, Derpy slapped him in the back of his head, "You'll have all the Slurm you can drink later on when you're partying with my good friend, Slurms MacKenzie." He moved aside and behind him is Slurms with the babes. Slurms' party music plays. "Alright! Whimmy-wham-wham-wazzle! Lay some skin on me, dudes!" He cheered. Fry and Bender do, though Derpy fangirled out. "Wow! The original party worm!" She said "Are you ready to get down, get funky with us!? "He'd better be," Glurmo replied "that's what we pay him for. Right, Slurms?" Slurms cringed and waved his arms around. "Right!" He yelled "In fact, Slurms has to party all night, every night, or he's fired!" "Rock on!" "But before the party, you're all in for a fun-derful treat: A VIP tour of the Slurm factory!" He slid back through the gates and everyone follows, Derpy behind. "Enjoy the tour, dudes!... I'm gonna go lie down." Glurmo and the staff gather near the Slurm Factory Entrance. "Welcome, my friends," Glurmo spoke "to the wondrous world of whimsy that we like to call "Slurms Centralised Industrial Fabrication Unit"." Behind him, some worms open some doors. The crew walk through the door and gasp. The room looks like the huge room where Slurm cans grow on trees and a river of Slurm flows down the middle. "...This feels familiar." Derpy said. "... Do they make clouds here?" They got onto a small paddle boat. They see some small, orange faces and green hair aliens across the river, carrying barrels of Slurm. "Who are those horrible orange creatures over there?" Farnsworth asked "Why, those are the Grunka Lunkas." Glurmo replied "They work here in the Slurm factory." "Tell them I hate them." "At least it isn't the Jersey Shore." Derpy said, laying on Leela's head. The staff all sailed down the green river. "As we sail down the river of Slurm," Glurmo spoke "you'll see our mix-ologists at work." He points to some Grunka Lunkas stirring cauldrons of yellow-orange stuff. "They take 900 of the finest ingredients, add a touch of child-like delight and mix it all with glacial spring water from our glacial spring water generator." He points to a Grunka Lunka pumping water into a bucket from two containers labelled 'H2' and 'O'. "Why am I getting a weird vibe?" Derpy asked herself "Then, last of all, we add the secret ingredient that makes Slurm so deliciously addictive." A Grunka Lunka tips up a barrel labelled "Secret Ingredient" into a cauldron of Slurm ingredients but another pulls a curtain across before anyone can see anything. "So, what's the secret ingredient?" Fry asked "It's whatever your imagination wants it to be." "Oh. But what is it really?" "That's not for you to know. Now, over here, the Grunka Lunkas are inducing Wumpus berries to release their flavour, using sensual massage." He points to some Grunka Lunkas who rub piles of purple berries. "Psst, those berries." Bender whispered "Those are the secret ingredient, right?" "No." "You positive?" "Yes." "I'm just asking cause they look kind of secret." "Enough! There will be no further questions." Derpy raised her hoof. "Why?" She asked. Leela points across Fry. "Hey, look!" She said "The disgusting little men are starting to sing." On the river bank, six Grunka Lunkas line up and dance and sing. ♫Grunka Lunka dunkity-do, We've got a friendly warning for you, Grunka Lunka dunkity-dasis, The secret of Slurm's on a need-to-know basis. Asking questions in school is a great way to learn. If you try that stuff here you might get your legs broke. We once found a dead guy face down in the Slurm. It could easily happen again to you folks. So keep you head down, And keep your mouth shut, Grunka Lunka lunka dunkity dot!♫ Glurmo leaned over the side of the boat and waved his cane. "Hey, I don't pay you to sing!" He shouted "You just used up today's bathroom break!" The boat disappeared into a tunnel. "...Hard ass." One of the Grunka Lunkas muttered. "I heard that!" The tunnel is lined with large barrels of Slurm. "Now, on your right, you'll see the Slurm Master checking the Slurm for color and bouquet." Flurmo spoke, pointing as an old worm with a long, white beard, holding a glass of Slurm. Fry watches and licks his lips. "So thirsty." He muttered to himself. Derpy slapped the back of his head. "Don't talk about mom like that!" "Then he tastes it." Glurmo spoke "He tastes it and tastes it, then tastes it some more. "Uh, could I have some Slurm, please?" Fruy begged, rubbing the back of his head from Derpy's slap. "No food or drink allowed on the tour. You'll have to wait until you're partying with Slurms MacKenzie." "When will that be?" "Soon enough." "That's not soon enough!" "Hey, what's behind that door?" Leela asked, pointing at a door with a "Keep Out" sign on it. It's guarded by two worms. "Nothing." Glurmo answered "LIAR!!!" Derpy accused "Is it the secret ingredient?" Leela added. Five Grunka Lunkas dance across in front of the door. ♫Grunka Lunka dunkity dingredient, You should not ask about the secret ingredient.♫ "OK, OK, we get the point." Bender groaned "I was just curious because of the armed guards." Leela said ♫Grunka Lunka dunkity darmed guards--♫ "SHUT THE HELL UP!!!" Derpy yelled, throwing a bottle and knocking out one of the Grunka Lunkas. Derpy was weighed down with a muzzle on. To say she looked sad would be an understatement, as she was depressed; her ability to fly was now gone until it ended. Not even her attempted cuteness made Glurmo release her. However, she walked around, seeing Fry sneak to the back of the boat while Glurmo spoke to Hermes. Leela walked around and both watched Fry as he leaned over the back of the boat but can't quite reach the lake "What are you doing?" Leela demanded "I'm dying of thirst!" Fry replied "Grab my feet and dunk my head in so I can drink." "No. That's moronic." Due to Derpy being muffled, we will use Near dark grey text for her dialogue. "Very Moronic." Derpy added "Unless you go for a swim, you won't get it." "I have no idea what you said," Fry replied "But I'll just let go and swim around in the Slurm and drink as much as I want." Derpy groaned as he laughed, but tumbles in. He waves his arms around. "Help! I can't swim!" He disappears under the water. Leela sighed and dived in after him. Derpy, leaned over the edge, but quickly regreted it, falling into the lake, but was quickly rescued by Bender... who whistled as Fry & Leela gasped for air. "Bender, why did you jump in?" Leela asked "Everybody was doing it." He answered "I just wanted to be popular." "And I fell in." Derpy added. A whirlpool formed below them and they're sucked underwater. They scream and are pulled through a hole in the bottom of the Slurm river. The four fly out of a pipe and land on a grate. Slurm poured out of the pipe and into the grate. "Where are we?" Leela asked "And why is the Slurm pouring into this sewer?" Bender added. Fry wringed some Slurm from his hair into his mouth and spits it straight out. "This isn't Slurm at all!" He yelled in anger "That's why you wash your hair, idiot." Derpy groaned. Even though she wore a muzzle, she went underneath the waterfall and took a slurp from the Slurm. Her ceeks perked and she vomited. "AHHH!!! IT TASTES LIKE INK!!!" Leela picked her up in one of Derpy's favorite craddles "Something's rotten on the planet Wormulon." Leela spoke. "Tell me about it. Look!" Derpy pointed at the other side of the cave they were in. There are two doors; One marked "Real Factory" and the other marked "Fake Factory". Leela quietly opened the fake factory door and they peer around it; It's the door from earlier that was marked "Keep Out". On the other side one of the worm guards smokes while another knits. A Grunka Lunka sleeps and two others play poker. She closed the door again. "This all must have something to do with the secret ingredient." "My God." Fry spoke "What if the secret ingredient ... is people?" "No. There's already a soda like that: Soylent Cola." Derpy's eyes widened "WHAT!?!?!?" "Oh. How is it?" Fry asked "It varies from person to person." Leela answered "... Hm, guess that's why vapors taste weird. Leela, Derpy, Fry, and Bender crept down the dark tunnels. They see torchlight up ahead. Bender gasps.] "Quick." Leela whispered to the group. They ducked behind a rock. Two guards slide along the roof of the cave with a torch and laser. They pass them without seeing them. "Look! Slurm! Finally!" Fry pointed at a conveyor belt with cans of Slurm on it. He walks over, picks up a can and drinks from it. "Oh, yeah! I'm never going 12 minutes without a Slurm again." "It's the end of the line." Leela spoke "This must be where they put in the secret ingredient." Behind her is a door marked "Slurm Production Chamber". "Well, whatever it is, it's even better fresh." He takes another swig. "Mmm, still warm." "Frsh? Warm?" Derpy contemplated. Leela opened the door. They all walked in and gasp; In the middle of the room is a huge worm wearing a crown and scoffing handfuls of Wumpus berries. Some worms massage the middle of her body and the secret ingredient comes out the other end of her and into Slurm cans. Everyone was disgusted, and Derpy, again, puked. Fry gulps back some more Slurm. "Fry!" Leela yelled. Fry realised what he is doing and spits the Slurm out with a sigh of relief. Then he drinks some more. "Fry!" He spits it out again and they watch the giant, Queen looking worm produce the drink. "That's the secret ingredient of Slurm!?" Derpy asked "I don't know," Leela replied "But I think that's the only ingredient of Slurm." "Ew!" Fry added. He consoled himself by drinking from the can again. Leela knocks it out of his hand and the Slurm Queen turned around with a loud roar. She swings at them with her back end and they duck out of the way. She takes another swipe at Leela, and she jumps out the way to Fry, Derpy, and Bender. The Queen took another swing and they run out the door screaming. Fry ran back in to pick up the can of Slurm, but Derpy jumped onto the back of his head and delivered another slap. He groaned and ran out. The three (with Derpy riding & holding onto Fry's hair) ran around a corner and guards fire their lasers at them. They come to a ravine and nearly fall into it. "I'll save us!" Bender spoke. He extended his arms and legs over the ravine, allowing all of them to run across him. "Oh, that feels good!" They reach the other side and Bender retracts his arms and legs. "Thanks, Bender!" Fry spoke. Bender coughed. Fry and Leela reluctantly hand him some cash, though Derpyt held up a magnet. "Don't make me use this!" She threatened. They all ran around another corner. "The exit! We made it!" Leela pointed. The "exit" leads back to where they began with the queen looking worm still there. "Uh, Your Majesty, I brought the prisoners." Bender spoke. Derpy jumped onto Bender's head and attacked. "TRAITOR!!!" Bender held her, but they all saw Glurmo appearing from behind the Queen. "Well, my curious friends," He said "you learned the secret of Slurm. That concludes the portion of the tour where you stay alive." "You wish, you slimy worm! Hi-yah!" Leela yelled. She karate chopped Glurmo's head off. The decapitated head grows a body and the body grows a head, forming two Glurmos. A guard hands the new head a hat. The Glurmos pin Leela to the floor. Guards point lasers at Fry, Derpy, and Bender's backs. "Good work, Glurmo. You have pleased your queen." The huge worm spoke. "Thank you, Your Majesty." One of the Glurmos spoke with a high pitch voice "Thanks, ma'am." The other replied in a more nasally sounding tone "How can you trick people into drinking something that comes out of your behind!?" Leela demanded "It's disgusting." "Is it?" The Queen asked "Honey comes from a bee's behind. Milk comes from a cow's behind. And have you ever used toothpaste?" "Whose behind does that come from?" Fry asked "You don't wanna know." "Look, we just came to party with Slurms MacKenzie." Derpy spoke "By the way, when is that scheduled?" "...I have no idea what it said. GUARDS!!! Take the Muzzle off!!!" Some of the guards took Derpy's muzzle off. "Yes! I can speak! Now, as I was saying-" "Look, we just came to party with Slurms MacKenzie." Bender spoke "By the way, when is that scheduled?" Derpy glared at him. "Never!" The queen shouted. "To the torture cave!" In the Torture cave, Bender has been tied to a conveyor belt, which moves towards a machine. "You, my metal friend," The queen spoke "will have the honor of becoming 174 Slurm cans." "Ah, this trip is turning into a big letdown." Bender spoke. "You think!?" Derpy replied, standing in the middle of a that slowly filled with Slurm. "At least you'll be usable after death. I'm just gonna be fossilized in Worm ass juice." "Correct!" The Queen replied before slithering to Leela, who is raised in a harness and suspended over a vat of purple goo. The Glurmos stand by a control unit. "As for you, you will be submerged in Royal Slurm which, in a matter of minutes, will transform you into a Slurm Queen like myself. "But, Your Highness," One of the Glurmos spoke "she's a commoner. Her Slurm will taste foul." "Yes! Which is why we'll market it as New Slurm. Then, when everyone hates it, we'll bring back Slurm Classic, and make billions!" She and the Glurmos laugh. Small Glurmo #1 pushed a lever down and Leela is lowered into the purple Slurm. "You bastards!!!" Derpy yelled "You can't hurt my family like that, you coca-cola copycatteers!!! Fry, sick 'em!" "Uh... What about me?" Fry asked. Derpy groaned to herself. "Why do I even try?" "You are free to go." The Queen spoke to Fry "Yes!" He cheered "If you can resist this concentrated super Slurm!" The Glurmos grab him and sit him in a chair in front of a tub. The Slurm Queen fills the tub with a dark green slime. "It's so delicious, you'll eat until you explode! Oh, which reminds me, put a tarp over that sofa, will you? Bon appétit!" One of the Glurmos forces a spoonful of the Slurm into Fry's mouth. Fry struggles then smiles. "Farewell! Oh, and congratulations again on winning the contest." She and the Glurmos laugh insanely and leave. "Fry, untie us, quick!" Leela yelled. "I'm too young to die!" Derpy added "Here I come!" Fry spoke. He stops at the tub of Slurm. "Let me just-- One more taste." He takes three scoops "You pig!" Leela yelled "Stop stuffing your craw and save us." Fry walked towards her, then changes his mind and sticks his head into the tub. "I can't see what's happening. Are we boned?" Bender asked "Yeah, we're boned." Then, the sound of a machine was heard, with a door openeing. Derpy looked up to see the Stallion. "You!!!" She cheered. "You're here!!!" "I am." He replied with a smug. The other one appeared. "I'm here as well!" "Ugh, how many times do I have to tell you!? Stay inside!" "Oh, well excuse me! Two minds are better than one!... Say, is that Slurm? I love that stuff!" He ran off. "Wait! Don't-!" More eating was heard. The stallion groaned, turning to Derpy. "Why did I ever do that experiment?" "... I don't follow." Derpy replied. "Oh... right... different time. Hold still." He pulled out his screwdriver and the machine stopped. The stallion walked away, but threw a ladder down for her. She climbed up the ladder and landed next to him. "How did you know we'd be here?" "Like I said, I'm a traveler. This is my second time here, actually... kinda had the same adventure like you all. Now hold still." He used the screwdriver again and the weights fell off. Derpy stretched and cracked her bones. "Ahh! That feels good!... Wait! My family!" "We're alright." Leela spoke. Derpy turned to see Leela dried off, Bender with a single hole in the middle of his casing, and Fry with the other stallion suffering from rehab already. "Hold on, I got this." The stallion next to Derpy spoke, pulling out two huge needles. "You may want to close your eyes... and cover your ears." The group ran through the caves, though the smarter stallion was back in his box, no doubt, becoming more of a Deus Ex Machina in flesh. "We're close to the exit!" Leela spoke "I can smell those filthy orange guys." The not-so-smart stallion sniffed the air. "Hm... Axe Body Spray." He observed. Ahead of them is Slurms MacKenzie and the babes. "Stop right there!" He announced "Slurms MacKenzie!?" Bender, Derpy, and the stallion asked in shock "Shh! I want you to take me with you." "...Say what?" Derpy asked "I'm partied out. All I want is to stay home and rent videos and watch them with a few friends. Is that so much to ask?" "Forget it, pal." Bender replied, holding up the "You Win!" cap. "It says on this bottle-cap you have to party with us." "Alright, when we get to Earth. But please don't invite too many people, I wanna keep it small." "No can do, Slurms!" He pats him on the back. The cave started to shake and the Slurm Queen bursts through the wall. Everyone screams. "This way!" Slurms ushered them into another part of the cave. A sign above reads "Danger Cave-In Area". "She's gaining on us!" Derpy spoke "Quickly! We need C4s!" Slurms stops running. "Go on without me, I'll hold her off." He spoke Everyone else stops. "But she'll crush you like a worm!" Fry replied "...Crushing a smaller worm." "It's alright. I'm so tired of partying. So very tired." He took off his shades off revealing his bloodshot eyes underneath. "I'll save you the only way I know how: By partying!" One of his babes turns on Slurms' music and he starts to dance. "Babes?" "Yes, Mr. MacKenzie?" One of them asked "You've served me well these 40 years, but this time I've got to party alone." "But--" The other retorted "There'll be other parties for you. Now go. Go!" They run away and Slurms dances and the Slurm Queen closes in. The tunnel starts to collapse and Slurms turned the volume up to maximum. More rocks fall from the roof. Bender and Derpy turned around "Party on, Slurms." Derpy spoke with a tear falling down her eye. Slurm saluted. "Party on, contest winners. Party on." Bigger rocks falls from above and they pile up in the tunnel. Back in the ship's Cockpit, Hermes, Zoidberg and Amy sit on the couch, Bender relaxes at his station, Leela pilots the ship with Derpy snuggling on her head, all while Fry and Farnsworth use the phone. "Commissioner, my crew has made a horrific discovery." Farnsworth spoke "It seems that Slurm is produced in a colossal worm hiney!" On the screen, the commissioner sits in his office in front of a seal with "Bureau Of Soft Drinks, Tobacco, Firearms" written around it. "Hmm, "hiney", you say?" He asked "Why, with your testimony we'll finally be able to outlaw this insidious Slurm." "Outlaw Slurm!?" Fry asked. He looked at a can and runs between Farnsworth and the screen. "Uh, don't pay any attention to him, sir! Grandpa's making up crazy stories again." "I'm not your grandpa, you're my uncle!" Farnsworth replied "From the year 2000!" Fry made the cuckoo gesture. "OK, grandpa," The commissioner replied "we'll take care of the "bad worms", don't you worry." He hanged up. Fry opened another can of Slurm. "Ah, I just wish Slurms MacKenzie were here to enjoy this with us." Fry spoke. Then the machine whirring came. The box appeared and both the smart stallion and Slurms came out. "You really think that'll help?" Slurms asked, no doubt, the two seemed to have a conversation beforehand. "Of course it will." The stallion replied "I may be a traveler, but I'm a doctor at heart. Now, with these papers signed, you should have a great retirement ahead of you, but keep taking these pills, eat healthy, and... well... try to avoid Slurm." He handed Slurms some pills. "Ah, thanks brother." Slurms accepted and the two did a bro fist... or hoof... slime? Everyone just watched, though the other stallion that was with them snickered. "It's a placebo." He whispered to Derpy. Derpy blinked, but smiled. "Let him have it." She replied "PARTY!!!" Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
I second that EmotionIn the Planet Express's Kitchen, Leela picked up a large can of Kibbles 'n' Snouts and carried it over to a huge electric can opener on the wall. Outside, Derpy and Nibbler slept, though Derpy herself wore a helmet. Nibbler's third eye & Derpy's ears perked up and looked around as they heard the can opener. The two got up and ran into the kitchen. Back in the kitchen, as Derpy & Nibbler entered, Derpy rested on Fry's head as he got some coffee as Nibbler waited excitedly. Leela tipped the can over and the meat slowly slides out from inside. Nibbler sat in his food dish and the meat falls on him, but he scoffs it in a few bites. "Aww! Somebody likes snouts." Leela cooed. Derpy cringed at the sight. "Is it me?" Fry asked. Derpy slapped him. Bender wandered in, humming to himself. The magnet on the can opener pulls him off the floor and starts cutting into him. "Ow, my head!" He screamed in pain "My precious head!" Leela quickly turned the can opener off and Bender edges away from it. "Stupid can opener. You killed my father and now you've come back for me!" Derpy flew to him. "You alright, Bender?" She asked. Bender rubbed his head. The top half is cut like a half-open can. "Yeah, I guess so. But I don't see why we keep this ticking time-bomb around just for that dumb animal!" "Don't yell at Nibbler like that." Leela retorted, picking him up. "You hurt his feelings. Come on, pet him and make up." Bender turned "No." "I said pet him." "I'll pet him. I'll pet him with both hands!" Nibbler leaped out of Leela's hands and bites Bender's shiny metal ass. "Ow! My ass! Get off!" Fry laughed at the sight. "What's so funny?" Derpy asked "You did the same thing." He answered. Nibbler released Bender's ass "Are you alright!?" Leela asked "Ah, it's nothing a lawsuit won't cure." Bender answered "Not you." She picked up Nibbler and looked into his mouth. "Aww, poor baby chipped a fang." She carries Nibbler away, kissing and peting him. "Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don't see anyone kissing it." "ZOIDBERG!!!" Derpy announced, ringing a bell. Zoidberg, nearby, puts a book down and stands up from the table. "Alright, I'm coming." He reluctantly spoke In the Animal Clinic Waiting Room, A man sat, stroking a cat; a cat sat, stroking a man, and Leela sat with Nibbler while Fry & Bender stand, and Derpy held a sign reading 'I'm not a pet!'. A door opens and a woman comes out with a two-headed dog, followed by the vet, Jeffery Grant. "Remember," Jeffery spoke "Rover gets the pill and Pepper gets the suppository." The woman and her dog(s) left. "Next!" At an Animal Clinic Examination Room, Derpy learned that, despite many advances in technology, some things din't change. Such is the case that Veterinary surgeries haven't changed much in a thousand years; there is a sink, a paper towel dispenser, and an examination table in the middle of the room, which Nibbler sits on. Jeffery fetches a small hammer and taps Nibbler on the head with it, making him squeal. He looks in his mouth. "It's just a simple broken fang, nothing serious." He spoke "What's that you say there, doctor?" Bender asked "You're gonna have to put him down?" "No. What? Huh?" He looks at Fry, Derpy, and Leela in confusion. Bender shakes his head "Terrible shame that. Shall I do the honors?" He reached up to a shelf and takes down a bottle with some pink liquid in it marked "Goose Laxative". He holds the bottle by it's neck, smashes it on a table and points it at Nibbler. Derpy took out a video camera and recorded Leela, reaching across. "No!" She simply shouted, ripping Bender's arm off and smacking it against the table until it lets go of the broken bottle. "You about done?" "Next time I'm keeping it." She tosses the arm over her shoulder and Bender reattaches it. Derpy stopped recording. "And another million views." Derpy smiled, uploading the video. "OK, well I believe I have a replacement fang for your pet in the next room." Jeffery said as he walked through a door. It didn't close it. The group stepped back in horror when they heard an animal growling. Jeffery struggles with the growling creature and glass breaks. He flails his legs around and runs back into the examination room. The door closes. His shirt is ripped and blooded and he has a bruised eye. "The jaguar didn't wanna cooperate but luckily he knocked one of my teeth out. Heh heh... Now then." He pulled out the broken crown of Nibbler's fang and sets it down on a table. Fry picks it up. "Hey, what are these rings in Nibbler's fang?" Fry asked. Jeffery attaches Nibbler's new tooth with a laser. "Um, I'm still a little woozy from a gazelle kick this morning but if he's anything like the common tree, the rings might indicate his age." Fry laughs. "Yeah, well, good luck. It'd take some kind of genius to count all those rings." Derpy peeked "He's five." She said, followed by another slap to his face. In the Planet Express Lounge room, a "Happy 5th Birthday Nibbler" banner has been strung up on the wall. Despite not knowing when he was actually born, everyone figured that this should be Nibbler's unofficial birthday. "Happy birthday, young Nibbler." Fanrsworth spoke. Everyone sat on the floor surrounded by opened presents. The room is decorated with balloons and streamers and Fry sticks a picture to the wall. Nibbler scratches himself and runs around. "Aww, look how cuddly he looks in his new cape!" Leela cooed at Nibbler "I'd be cuddly too if someone gave me a new cape." Bender replied sarcastically. Derpy, hearing this, wrote down 'Make Bender a cape' in her notebook, right under 'Steal For Knox Gold' and 'Find more muffins' "Who's playing pin the tail on the moon maggot?" Fry asked. Bender snatches a tail from his hand. "Ooh, me! Everyone watch how good I am!" He 'closed' his eyes and used his cheating unit to pinpoint the exact place the tail should go, mostly indicated by his beeping. He pins it on, opens his eyes and cheers. "And the crowd goes wild! What prize do I get? Cash?" He turns around. No one is interested, though Derpy crossed her forelegs. "Cheater." She said "Hey, look at Nibbler!" Any spoke. Derpy flapped her wings and flew to them. Nibbler sat in a high-chair at the table and chews a spoon. "Aww, he's holding a spoon." Hermes cooed "He's so talented!" Zoidberg complimented "You call that talent!?" Bender asked "Gather round old Bender and get ready for the show of a lifetime! He took off his head, whistles Sweet Georgia Brown, and spun his head like a Globetrotter then reattaches it. "Ta-da!" He grumbles as no one but Derpy watched, though she recorded him. "That's some good Family Friendly stuff now." She said, uploading it. Leela put on a pointy party hat on Nibbler and his third eye pops out of the top. Hermes gasps. "Now he's wearing a hat!" He exclaimed "Come on, let's all sing Happy Birthday!" Leela spoke. ♫What day is today? It's Nibbler's birthday, What a day for a birthday, Let's all have some cake.♫ "And you smell like one too!" Fry added, giggling. Derpy blew a raspberry at him. "Hey, what about this?" Bender spoke, dancing around and whistling Sweet Georgia Brown again. "Bender, I thought you were supposed to be cooking for this party." Leela interupted "Fine, we'll have rack of Nibbler." "Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of it, make sure you put them in after you cook it." "Pepper was surely hot." Derpy said, holding up a picture of a model that was cut out of Scruffy's magazines. "So it's a cake you want, is it?" Bender asked "I'll make you a cake you'll never forget." In the kitchen, Derpy watched over Bender as he took some rat poison out of a cupboard and laughs insanely as he tips it onto something. Turns out, he's pouring it next to a hole in the bottom of the wall. "That'll take care of those annoying rats." He said to himself as he puts it back in the cupboard. "Now, to bake a cake so delicious they'll have no choice but to love and worship me." "Pfft, yeah right." Derpy said, pulling out one of Bender's magazines "That'll be the day when I turn human... hm... I don't really get the circuity here." Bender whistles more Sweet Georgia Brown as he walks to the fridge and takes two eggs out of a 12-pack of various grade bird eggs. He juggles them around, then rolls them across his shoulders and into a bowl. He tips in some flour, some Third & Third & Third and then uses his hand to whisk the mixture. He pours the mixture into a cake tin, puts the tin in his chest cabinet and switches it from 'refrigerate to 'E-Z bake', closes the door and hums as it cooks. Time had passed, and Derpy recorded everything. Bender ices the 5-tier birthday cake and puts a little Bender ornament on the top. "There! This'll teach those filthy bastards who's lovable." He said "Now all I have to do is spell check it and it's ready for my admiring public." He turns around and washes his hands. While his back is turned, Nibbler hops around the worktops and starts sniffing the cake. Derpy, held her breath, wanting it help her uncle out, but seeing the potential internet gold was in front of her! Bender turns around and saw "No! Get away from there!" Nibbler gobbles up the cake and Bender screams. Nibbler burped as the cake was gone. "That's it." He grabbed Nibbler by the eyestalk and marched to the bathroom. Derpy followed as Bender lifts the toilet seat lid. "Happy birthday!" He droped Nibbler in and flushes the toilet. Nibbler starts turning. Leela entered "Bender," she spoke "what's going-?" She gasps when she sees Nibbler disappear. "No!!!" "Hey! Can't you see I'm using the toilet?" "He paid me to do it!!!" Derpy lied, flying off and uploading the video. In the Meeting Room, Leela sat at the table, crying with the rest of the staff gathered around her. Derpy patted her back, trying to supportive. "Bender!" Amy yelled "How could you flush Nibbler down the toilet?" Bender sat on a chair with his feet on the table, smoking a cigar. "Well, step one, I had to lift the seat." He answered "That was the first little annoyance. Am I right, men?" "Aren't you upset at all?" Leela asked, still crying. "How would you feel if I flushed Fry down the toilet?" "Only one way to find out." "You have no sympathy for anyone else's feelings!" "Of course I do. Right now I feel sorry for you." "...You do?" "Yeah. I mean, one cantaloupe-sized bloodshot eye? You ain't winning no beauty pageants, lady." Leela cries some more. Derpy lifted a baseball bat. "Hold still." She said in anger. In the Bathroom, everyone, except Bender, stands around the toilet. Leela dabs her eyes with a tissue. "And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler," Farnswirth spoke. "who's gone to a place where I too hope one day to go: The toilet." Leela sobs and Fry nods to Hermes, who places a lily into the toilet. He nods back to Fry and he flushes the lily away. "I wouldn't feel so bad if Bender just understood the pain he caused me." Leela cried. They all hear Bender laughing. They peer around the door. Bender watches All My Circuits. Calculon is lying in a hospital bed. "Give it to me straight, doctor, don't sugarcoat it." Calculon spoke to a robot doctor next to him. "Very well." The Docbot replied "Your entire family died when a plane piloted by your fiance crashed into your uninsured home. And you have inoperable cancer." Bender laughs and kicks his legs. "Bet you weren't expecting that one, Calculon!" He laughed again. "It's like he doesn't understand simple humanoid emotion." Amy said. "Ahem." Derpy coughed, pointing at herself. "I wish just once Bender could feel exactly what I feel." Leela added. "Actually, through the miracle of science, that can be arranged." Farnsworth replied :Uh-oh. Is this gonna be another crazy experiment that crosses a line Man was not meant to cross?" Fry asked. "I'm no man, so we'll do it!!!" Derpy proclaimed, flying out of the bathroom. "TO THE LAB!!!" 1 Hour Later Bender still sat on the couch, watching the news as an official death toll in a tragic rocket crash had been raised to 54,000. Again, he snickered, but Fry, Hermes and Zoidberg grab him and pin him to the table. Farnsworth unscrewed his head. "Hey, what the hell are you doing with my head!?" Bender demanded. Farnsworth carries him across the room. "I need to tinker in it." He answered "Why don't you just use a potted plant like Fry?" "Quiet, you. I'm installing an empathy chip." He holds up a little green chip in a pair of pliers. "And that'll allow Bender to feel other people's emotions?" Fry asked "Yes. If by 'allow' you mean 'force'." He screws Bender's head into a vice and Derpy starts hammering the chip into the side of it, though, she purposely missed some strikes. "Thank you." He takes Bender's head out of the vice and rejoins it to his body. "Now I'll simply tune it to Leela's emotional frequency." He turns the chip with a screwdriver. It beeps. "My God!" Bender proclaimed "I'm overcome with ... feelings. I'm experiencing a powerful yearning to ... to cram my gullet full of mackerel heads." "That's me, baby!" Zoidberg said. Fansworth turned the chip again. "Now I'm worried that I'm not as smart as Leela," Bender said "but at the same time I feel relieved that I'm cuter than her." "Uh ... that's me." Amy said, embarrassed "Thanks for covering." Fry whispered. Farnsworth turned the chip again. "When people rely on surface appearances and false racial stereotypes, rather than in-depth knowledge of others at the level of the heart, mind and spirit, their ability to assess and understand people accurately is compromised." Bender quoted "...Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com" "Wow! He quoted what I loved!" Derpy spoke. Fanrsworth turned it again. "This time I miss Nibbler and I'm feeling nosy and opinionated." "Bingo!" Amy proclaimed "That's Leela!" Hermes added "Thank you, Professor." Leela said "I'm happy that Bender can finally feel my pain." The chip beeped "Happy." Bender said "I like this feeling. Just don't revert to your usual mopey self." "I'm not mopey. You shut up!" The chip beeped "Anger, huh? How dare you make me feel anger, you one-eyed jerk with a dead pet!" He laughs and Leela cries. The chip beeps and he cries too. "This is so weird!" Derpy proclaimed. To help her mom out, and pay for the bill, Derpy, Leela, and Amy had a girl's night out at O'Zorgnax's Pub. Leela wore a blue dress, Amy with a green top, and Derpy in another dress "Thanks for taking me out, Gals." Leela thanked the two "I feel slightly less miserable already." "Hey, you know what'd cheer you up?" Amy asked "You should get a puppy." "A puppy? ...Nibbler loved to eat puppies." She bursts into tears. Derpy pulled out her checklist and scratched out 'Get a Puppy'. She pulled her cellphone out and went into the restroom. Fry answered. "Oh, hey Derpy." He replied "What's Bender doing?" She asked. Bender suddenly cried "What's your problem?" "I miss Nibbler!" Bender whined "You do?" "Hell, no! It's Leela's stupid feelings.: He picks up a bottle of Olde Fortran. "Why can't she just drink herself happy like a normal person?" "Watch yourself!" Derpy warned "That's my mom!" She peaked out of the bathroom; Amy and a Hispanic guy dance closely. Leela drums her fingers and growls. "Uh-oh, jealousy." Derpy and Bender spoke in unison. She watched from the dropped phone's perspective as Bender stood up and points at Fry. "You think you're so hot!" Bender yelled "What?" Fry asked "The only reason you get all the guys is because you dress like a tramp!" He slaps Fry, making him drop his Slurm. Fry began to cry. "They're just responding to my personality." Derpy peaked out again; Leela is still sat at the bar and the guy has his arm around Amy as they approached to Leela. "Um, Leela?" Amy asked "Armando and I are going to the back seat of his car for coffee. You gonna be alright here by yourself?" "Sure." Leela replied in theatrical happiness "I'm having a great time -- really. You two go enjoy yourselves." They leave. Derpy turned back to her phone "I'm so lonely!!!" Bender cried again "I'm gonna go eat a bucket of ice cream." He walks off, crying to himself. "The spoon's in the foot powder!" Fry spoke. "...Maybe this is a bad idea." Derpy thought to herself, hanging up the phone and walking back to her mom. She rubbed her arm. "Let's get some icecream." "...Thanks." Leela replied, giving her a warm hug, still tearing up. "You know... I kinda thought you'd be with Bender on this." "...I was... but... I think the best form of happiness you can get is not by getting something yourself... but seeing someone else have the joy." "Aw... thank you, Derpy." In the following morning, in the Planet Express Meeting Room, A tear streamed down Leela's face as she looks at a photo of her and Nibbler in one of the cut outs at a beach where the head is. Derpy stood with Bender and Fry, watching from the doorway. Bender sighs. "I'm at the end of my rope." He spoke "I can't live another minute without poor, sweet Nibbler." "Too bad he wasn't an alligator." Fry replied "Y'know, when you flush those things, they stay alive in the sewers." "Really?" "Yep." Fry spoke "My friend's cousin's caseworker saw one once. It's a widely-believed fact. "That's a myth." Derpy scolded "Hmm, sewers." Bender thought aloud, scratching his chin. "Thinking, thinking, thinking...." In the Bathroom, Bender stands in the toilet. Derpy facehoofed herself "Hang on, Nibbler!" He yelled "Uncle Bender's coming to save you!" He flushes the toilet but doesn't go anywhere. "Damn, it's too small." He climbs out of it. "What did those human design this for anyway?" "For pooping." Derpy replied. Bender disconnects his left arm, drops it down the toilet and flushes it away. "Aha! Bender, one; toilet, zero!" He spins his head off and flushes it. "See you on the other side!" "...How the hell-!?" Someone knocks on the door. "Bender? Derpy?" Fry's voice spoke before the door opens "Have any of you seen my sombrero?" He gasps as Bender's right arm flushes itself away. "...How the Hell-!?" The staff sit around the table in the meeting "Now he's flushed himself down the toilet?" Leela asked "Who's he gonna flush next?" "I'm just surprised that the toilet could flush all of his parts down!" Derpy added. "It's your fault, Leela!" Fry pointed "He only flushed himself because your emotions made him feel bad." "You're right. I feel terrible." "Oh, great, now you're making him feel worse!" "Quickly! Take lessons from Kristen Stewart!" Derpy added, holding the unfazed head of Kristen Stewart. "Someone. Help." She 'yelled' "Sorry, but I guess we'd better go down into the sewers and look for him." Leela took initiative "Are you crazy!?" Amy exclaimed "There's mutants down there! They'll eat you alive!" "They're hideous!" Zoidberg added. "It'll be better than looking at you." Derpy replied. "OHH!!!" Everyone but Leela yelled "There's no such thing as mutants." Leela spoke "That's a ridiculous urban myth." "Oh, don't be so sure." Farnsworth replied "Many scientists believe humans really could mutate down there. Uh, due to exposure to toxic waste and radioactive run-off and good old American feces!" "God bless America." Fry said. On a New New York City Street, In the middle of the road outside the Planet Express building, Leela lifts a manhole cover with a picture of Thurgood Stubbs from The PJs engraved on it. Fry and Derpy peer down the hole as she drags it away. "Phew!" Fry exclaimed at the small "Uh, ladies first." Derpy pushed him down the hole and he screams before splashing into the sewer water below. "Oh, and the aftertaste!" Derpy's cheeks perked, but she swallowed. The three crawled through the pitch black tunnels. Fry lights a match and screams. "What is it?" Leela asked "I burned my finger." He replied. "Gimme!" Derpy snatched it and lead the way They float down the sewer river on an inflatable yellow raft, pointing flashlights around. "OK, check the guidebook." Leela spoke. Fry shines his torch onto a page of 'Let's Go Sewers'. "Looks like we're under Park Avenue." He replied "Ooh, ritzy! Just think: All this was probably once a charity luncheon for the Met." A noise comes from down the sewers. Derpy hid between the two, taking a gun out. "Wait, what's that?" "Whatever it is, it won't be happy!" Derpy said, cocking the gun. They shine their torches down the tunnels and see Bender at the other end trying to reattach his limbs. He has his right arm in his right leg socket and his right leg to the right arm socket. "I never should have thrown out the manual." He groaned to himself "Bender, you didn't have to come down here." Leela said, walking to the robot "I know. But I just missed Nibbler so much." "He was so cute." She began to cry. The chip beeped "He was so sweet." Bender cried and the two hug each other. "Eck! This emotional display is making me nauseous." Fry commented. He points the torch at something in the water. "Or maybe it's whatever that is." Derpy puked in the waters. The four sit in the raft as it carries on through the sewers. "Nibbler!?" Leela shouted "Nibbler!?" Bender shouted "It's no use. We'd better turn back. Which way, Fry?" "Hmm. According to this map, the only way out is through ... that pipe." Fry pointed his torch at an extremely thin pipe. The three glare at him. "Don't worry. It gets wider after about a mile." "Idiot." The three said simultaneously "OK, OK, never mind. I'll just ask those people for directions." He points the torch ahead. Hideous creatures were in the each, each diverse with extra bodily features such as arms, eyes, noses, hands. They growl at them "Mutants!" Derpy yelled Fry screams, then Leela, then, after his chip has beeped, Bender. Derpy reached for her gun, but gafgged as it had a brown surprise on it. Fry pushed them all aside "I'll take care of this!" He spoke. He set the end of the guidebook alight and points it at the mutants. "Back! Back!" One of the mutants, a hideous woman with green scaly skin, a snout and gills, steps forwards and uses the flaming guidebook to light a cigarette. She smokes it and smoke comes out of her gills. "Thanks, handsome." It spoke in a raspy woman's voice. Another mutant with a huge forehead and two noses stepped forward. "Please, do not be frightened, we're harmless." He spoke "I have three arms." Another mutant with a third arm over where his right ear should be, retorted. "I said "harmless" not "armless"." "Lay off him." The smoking mutant replied "You know he's only got one ear." "Hey, aren't you supposed to be eating our brains?" Fry asked "You're mutants." "Don't give them ideas!!!" Derpy exclaimed, jumping and hiding in Bender's chest. "Mutants?" The Forehead asked "Perhaps it is you who are the mutants." "Please, Dwayne, have you looked in a mirror lately?" The pig nosed woman asked The mutants lead Fry, Leela, Derpy, and Bender down the tunnels and into an open space with buildings and other mutants. The forehead was introduced as Dwayne, the pig nosed woman as Vyolet, and the three armed as Raoul. Derpy flew ahead and avoided both the touches of the mutants that thought she was cute, and any of her surroundings. "Welcome to our village." Raoul introduced the group "It may not be Paris but it has a certain quaint charm that I, for one, wouldn't trade for the world." "You guys realize you live in a sewer, right?" Bender asked "Perhaps." Dwayne replied "But perhaps your civilization is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you." "No, we're on the top." Leela replied. Derpy snickered. "Daylight and everything." Fry added. Dwayne groaned "It must be wonderful." Vyolet spoke, dream-like "Eh." Bender replied, making the "middle-of-the-road" gesture. "It doesn't have great Wi-Fi." Derpy added. "Listen, we actually came down here to find our pet, Nibbler." Leela spoke "He got flushed down the toilet." "Well if he got flushed down the toilet he probably came through here." Raoul replied "Everything always does. Follow me." He opens an umbrella and they follow him, covering themselves, though Derpy used her wings. "All that is ours was once flushed down your toilets. Over there is our aquarium." He points at a fish tank with eight fish and a yellow bird floating dead on the top. "This is our library." The library is just a shelf. Derpy looked at what is on offer. "Nothing but crumpled porno and Ayn Rand." She observed "And over here is our church." Fry opened the door and looks around. In front of the altar is a huge nuclear warhead. "Wow. You guys worship an unexploded nuclear bomb?" He asked "Yeah, but nobody's that observant." Vyolet replied "It's mainly a Christmas and Easter thing." Derpy picked up a copy of a famous post apocalyptic game. "You have predicted the future, 2008." She said. The group walk down a street and pass many dry cleaners.] "Nibbler!?" Leela shouted "Come to Daddy, sweetie-ookums." Bender added "So, is it true that alligators flushed down the toilet survive down here?" Fry asked "No. That's just an urban legend." Vyolet replid. "HA!!!" Derpy laughed "YOU OWE ME 10 BUCKS!!!" "Then what are those?" Bender pointed "Crocodiles." Vyolet answered with a snort "We keep them as pets." Raoul added "Then, when they grow too large, we flush them down into the sub-sewer." He points to a huge toilet in the middle of the mutant town. "Some say there's a freakish race of sub-mutants down there." Dwayne commented "Please, that's just a sub-urban legend." Vyolet retorted "Oh? Then I suppose you also don't believe in..." He snatched Fry's torch and shines it under his chin, emphasizing his hideous-ness. "El Chupanibre!!!" The other mutants gasp. "El Chupanibre?" Leela asked "What's that?" Dwayne strums a guitar. "Gather round, children, for the legend of El Chupanibre!" ♫He creeps and crawls in the midnight hush, Silent as a low-flow toilet flush, Watch your step, 'Cause sooner or later, He'll eat you whole, And half your alligator.♫ "Crocodile." Vyolet corrected "Whatever "Wait!" Leela exclaimed "Our pet Nibbler loves fresh crocodile. It's his favorite treat. He must be El Chupanibre!" "Hey, yeah!" Bender added "You unleashed the dreaded El Chupanibre upon us!?" Raoul demanded "Then you are our sworn enemies." The growling mutants surround them. "You shouldn't have said that!" Derpy yelled. "You don't understand." Leela retorted "He would never hurt people. Let us help you capture him." "Impossible!" Dwayne exclaimed "If the legend is true, our only hope is to offer him a snack-rifice." "Yes. An unspoiled virgin." Raoul added "I volunteer." Leela spoke "Nice try, Leela," Vyolet replied "but we've all seen Zapp Brannigan's webpage." Bender laughs and Leela looks sad. Bender's chip beeps and he groans. "Oh... I made myself feel bad." He said. "She'll do!" Raoul spoke, picking up Derpy. "Chain her to the post!" "AHH!!! HELP!!!" Derpy screamed "Get your hands off me you damn, dirty mutants!!! I'll kill you all with the power of toilet cleaning products!!!" Derpy was wrapped around with chains all around a pole She stood under a shaft of light and faced a long, wide sewer pipe. "Behold!" Raoul announced "When El Chupanibre comes for the virgin, he will be snared by this rope trap~" "Shh." Dwayne shushed "El Chupanibre comes soon. It is nightfall." "Nightfall? How can you tell down here?" Leela asked on the side. Splashing noises echoed around the village. "The tide is coming in." "Disgusting!!!" Derpy yelled. Vyolet lies with her ear to the water. "Quiet! The beast approaches." She said. Loud bangs came from the pipe as El Chupanibre got closer. The mutants, Leela, Fry and Bender scarper. They dive behind some boxes with Dwayne joining them. Raoul runs into a building and draws the curtains across him. El Chupanibre's shadow appears and Derpy gasped. "Sexy stallion!!!" she yelled "Where are you at!? I know it'll make you look like a pedophile, but I can't die a virgin!!!" She screamed and struggled as the shadow approached, but got smaller. It turned out to be Nibbler. "...Oh." "Nibbler!" Bender exclaimed "Aw, come here, precious!" He picks up Nibbler. "Look, everyone, it's El Chupanibre!" "That's not El Chupanibre." Dwayne spoke "Say what?" "That's El Chupanibre." He points to a huge green monster standing in the pipe looking down on Bender. It has fangs and yellow, bloodshot eyes. Bender looks round, screams, drops Nibbler and runs away. "I'll take care of this!" Fry spoke. He stepped into the rope trap and screams as it lifts him off the ground and leaves him dangling overhead. El Chupanibre gets closer to Nibbler. Leela screams, making Bender scream. "Bender, do something!" Leela yelled "I'm too scared!" Bender replied "SOMEONE!!! HELP!!!" Derpy yelled, but remembered "Mom! Your scaredness is being transmitted straight to Bender. If you care about Nibbler, stop caring about him!" "I can't!" She replied "I love every living creature." "Even me?" Fry asked "As a friend." "Damn." "Bender!?" Derpy asked as Leela began to cry again. "Wait a minute... Mom! Pretend El Chupanibre is Zapp!!!" This got her mom to stop crying and look at El Chupanibre differently. Immediately, she imagined the monster as the sleazebag himself, Zapp Branigan. "Ooh! Rage!" Bender replied angrily. "Alright! Time to kick some monster ass!!!" The two charge at El Chupanibre, screaming their heads off. Derpy flinched as she saw both her mom and uncle beat the crap outta El Chupanibre! Deep in her mind, she wished she brought her camera along, record this, and post it online, then perhaps edit it with very fitting metal. Eventually, they both threw El Chupanibre into the toilet, with one of Bender's detached arms flushing it. Everyone cheered "Let's have a tissue-tape parade!" Raoul suggested "No, thanks!" Derpy replied. Dwayne released Derpy and another mutant cuts Fry down. He fell into the water and splutters. Leela and Nibbler run to each other. Nibbler jumped into her arms and licks her. Dwayne sits on the toilet with his guitar. "Gather round, children," He announced "let's hear the legend of these freaks." He strums the guitar. "♫They came from above with a-♫" A string snaps and he sighs. "It's gonna be many a year before someone flushes another guitar string." Back in the Planet Express Meeting Room, Fry, Leela and Bender are back and everyone is with them. "That was a disgusting story!" Farnworth exclaimed "And it's all thanks to Derpy." Leela replied, ruffling her mane "I love you, Derpy! That was so therapeutic!" "I love you too, mom." She replied with her own hug. She turned to Farnsworth. "Get that stupid chip out of Bender before he tries to kiss me." Farnsworth prises the chip off with a screwdriver and looks at it. "Bender, you won't believe this, but the empathy chip burned out." He observed "The emotion you felt for Nibbler was actually your own." Derpy gasped. "Looks like Bender learned an important lesson about respecting other people's feelings afterall." Fry replied. Everyone else nods and murmurs in agreement. "No, I'm wrong. The empathy chip was running at triple capacity." Derpy groaned. "And I still barely felt anything." Bender announced "Goodnight, losers!" He walks out. "You know, Bender may not have learned anything from me, but I think I actually learned something from Derpy." Leela spoke, standing up and headed for the door. "So long, jerkwads!" "So long!" Farnsworth replied. "And I'm gonna find myself a stallion!" Derpy replied, walking out, having an extra 'oomf' in her step while shaking her tail as she grabs her tranquilizer gun and chloroform spray... Meanwhile; a strange Stallion in a stranger blue box feels a chill go down his spine... Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
Brannigan, Begin AgainIn the Planet Express Ship, Fry and Bender played a hologram chess. All the pieces are different species, including an Omicronian, a Trisolian, a Blob, a Amphibiosan and a Decapodian. Derpy watched the two play and placed a bet that Bender would win. "Hmm.. Horsey to pointy guy six." Fry announced. His knight, a horse, charged at the bishop. The bishop batters it to the ground with his crook. The horse pulls out a dagger, stabs the bishop and kicks him off the game board. Fry chuckles and reclines in his seat. "Check." "Hmm... Get him, boys!" Bender announced. Fry screamed as Bender's pieces leap off the board and knock him to the floor and beat him up. "Good move." "And you just lost twenty bucks." Derpy said, taking cash out of Fry's wallet Back in the Planet Express Lounge room. Fry and Derpy laid on the couch next to Bender, and Leela leaned against the wall reading the latest issue of 'Cosmopolitan'. The door opens. and Farnsworth entered with Hermes carrying a large package "Good news, everyone!" Farnsworth announced "We have a mission to further the noble cause of intergalactic peace." "Nope. Watching cartoons." Bender replied "Sorry." Fry added. "I hate the opening." Derpy said, flapping her wings. Leela tips the two off the couch. "What's the mission?" She asked "It's a delivery for the Democratic Order Of Planets." Farnsworth replied, pointing at the label on the package that says "DOOP". Fry looks at it. "DOOP? What's that?" He asked "It's similar to the United Nations from your time, Fry." "Uh..." "Or like the Federation from your Star Trek program." Hermes said "Oh!" "You watch Star Trek?" Derpy asked to Fry "Hell yeah! I know all there is about it!" "Including the J.J.Abrams movies?" "...Haven't seen them yet. "Enough!" Farnsworth interrupted the two "Tonight is the ribbon-cutting for the DOOP's new headquarters." "What are we delivering?" Leela asked "Something without which no ribbon-cutting ceremony could proceed: The ceremonial oversized scissors." He took a giant pair of scissors out of the box and Leela takes it from him. "We'll get them there as quickly as we can." "Alright, but don't run with them." "...So which of the prime colors did you prefer?" Derpy asked they made their way to the ship. The ship landed in the ultra-modern new DOOP space station, located in the Neutral Zone. They walk into the huge reception area; All around the room, various aliens are around, gathered and talking about whatever political stuff they were doing, but it was breathtaking to Fry and Derpy. "Wow! There's a million aliens!" Fry exclaimed "I've never seen anything so mind-blowing. Ooh, a reception table with muffins!" "MUFFINS!!!" Derpy yelled, flying and catching up to Fry, both enjoying the muffins. Bue, Derpy looked around, seeing him again: The Stallion. He sat in a corner table with the Machine next to him, and his twin. As Fry was distracted by a really tall & muscular woman, she headed to him. The clone took notice of her. "Oh! Hello, Derpy!" The clone introduced himself. "Care to take a seat with us?" "Uh... sure." She replied, taking her chair. "...Why are you here?" "Fun." The Doctor simply answered. "...What's fun about some diplomatic meeting?" "Oh, seeing the new species and learning about their cultures... that, and everyone's living in peace together." "...I don't think the Space Lizards and Insectoids will get along very well." His clone replied "Oh hush! It's difficult to control your instincts, but they'll get along! Just like how I taught you how to think straight!" "What!?" Derpy asked "Oh, sorry... he wasn't like this when he first came, but, he's doing so much better." "I still hate having to lift things with my hooves." The clone replied "Not even sure how I can carry things with these!" "...So what are you really doing here?" Derpy asked "Like I said, just having fun." The Stallion replied "I'll try to not get involved too much, but, I think your family's meeting a particular Captain. Derpy turned to see her family near Zapp Branigan. "Oh Celestia no!!!" She flapped her wings and flew to them. "...She just said 'Celestia'." The clone spoke. "Patience... she'll find out soon enough." The Stallion replied. Derpy arrived too late and was arrested for 'attempted assassination' on the yarn people, with everyone on the Nimbus. Zapp paced around. "What makes a man turn neutral?" He monologued "Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?" "Or the fact that they don't want to get involved with anything violent?" Derpy mummbled. "Um, sir," Kif pointed at the reception area on the viewscreen "you're supposed to be cutting the ribbon right now." "No matter!" Zap exclaimed "I'll simply cut it from here with the ship's laser." He presses a button and a console came out of the floor. Outside the ship, a huge laser appears from a hatch. "Sir, I don't think that's wise." "Ki~f, if there's one thing I don't need it's your 'I-don't-think-that's-wise' attitude." He grabbed a handle on the console and moves it through Stun, Kill and Hyperdeath. He presses the "Fire" button and shoots a laser beam towards the space station. Through a live monitor, recording the ceremony, the laser cuts the ribbon and everyone applauds. The laser carries and cuts a huge stone statue of Glab in half. Everyone gasps. The laser carries on cutting and everyone stands gobsmacked. The station starts rumbling and explodes! The reception area breaks off and hurtles off into space with everyone still screaming. Both Zapp and Kiff stared, Zapp with a surprised look while Kiff groaned. "...Donald Trump?" Derpy asked, turning to the head of the the ruiner of Scottish lands "You're FIRED!!!" He yelled The following day in the Former DOOP Headquarters, a ran down building in Weehauken, New Jersey, the DOOP representatives are gathered for Zapp's trial, which Glab presides over. She banged her gavel. "Zapp Brannigan," She began "you stand accused of blowing up DOOP headquarters. How do you plead?" "Absolutely 99% not guilty." He answered "Then the prosecutor will call his first witness." The prosecutor is a giant, blue chicken with tiny glasses perched on his beak. He stands up and spoke with a strong Southern American accent. "Your Honor, I'm just a simple Hyper-Chicken from a backwoods asteroid but if it please the court I reckon I'll call the entire jury." Everyone gasps and murmurs. Derpy, however, munched on some popcorn. "I'm going to allow this." Glab spoke. "This gon' be good!" Derpy said with excitement "Members of the jury..." The chicken spoke, pecking the floor for a bit "did y'all happen to catch a gander at who blew up that there DOOP headquarters?" They point at Zapp and repeat 'it's him' "And are y'all gonna vote to convict him?" They all agreed. Glab bangs her gavel. "The jury is instructed to disregard its own testimony." She spoke "Your Honor, the prosecution rests." He clucks and covers his face with his wing. "The evidence against Zapp Brannigan is strong. However, in light of his years of service, and the incompetence of this hillbilly prosecutor, I'm afraid I must dismiss all charges." The crowd murmurs. Derpy spat out her popcorn. "WHAT!?!?!?" She yelled "Dismiss all charges!?" Leela added "Your Honor, I know the case is closed and you've rendered your verdict, but I wanna testify!" "I'm going to allow this." Glab spoke. Leela sat in the witness box. "Now, Miss Leela," The Hyper-Chicken spoke "on the date in question, were you or were you not wearing a hoop skirt? "That's a stupid question." Leela replied "What matters is Zapp Brannigan is the sorriest captain I've ever seen, and I saw the idiot blow up DOOP headquarters with my own eye." The crowd gasps. Zapp stood up. "I'd like to cross-examine the witness." He spoke "I'm going to allow this." Glab replied. "Is she gonna allow everything?" Derpy asked, sipping on some apple-juice. Zapp paced past Leela. "We've met before have we not?" He asked "Yes." Leela answered reluctantly "And on that occasion, did you have sex with someone? May I remind you you are still under oath." Leela sighed "Yes." "Please point out the person in this courtroom you had sex with." Leela points at him. Before Fry could hoot, Derpy placed a gun to the back of his head. "And his name is?" "Zapp Brannigan." "The very same Zapp Brannigan who did not blow up DOOP headquarters. I rest my case." Derpy placed the gun away and flew up. "I'd like to testify!" She announced. "I won't allow this." Glab replied. "YOU SON OF A-!!!" Bender held Derpy down as she struggled to go up. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you may begin your deliberations." The jury files out through one door and returns immediately through another. One of the small Glurmos, most likely suffering from Amnesia, is the foreman. "Your Honour, we have reached a verdict." He spoke "We find the defendant ... guilty." Leela and Derpy hooted loudly! "Zapp Brannigan, you are hereby stripped of your rank as captain and dismissed from the DOOP." Glab gave the punishment Zapp cries as he turns and walks towards the door. Derpy recorded this moment, laughing hard at the misery of the idiotic captain. He stops before he reaches it and turns to the court. "I'd like to make one final statement." He spoke "Kif, c'mere and hold up the flag." Kif groans, but Derpy stops him. "Wait! You're innocent!" She turned to Zapp "Do it yourself, you lazy bastard!" The crowed 'oohed' at her. "Ugh! Fine then... how do you do this?" He attempted to wave the flag and attempted to look masculine... but failed. "Eh, screw it." He stood back in the middle "My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honor. Plus it was mostly-" A vase fell and dropped on his head. Derpy whistled 'innocently' as she walked away. A week had passed since Brannigan's discharge, and the news was great for everyone! The best came that Kiff, Zapp's second in command, was now the lead captain, and though he was nervous, the Planet Express crew was there to back him up, especially Derpy, who was probably the closest thing to a friend. But, that's for another time. Back in the Planet Express Hangar, Fry, Derpy, and Bender washed the ship, though Derpy sang about brushing teeth as she cleaned. "Hey, Bender?" Fry asked "Yeah?" Bender replied. Fry squirts him with the hose and he giggles, throwing his sponge at Fry, who ducks. The sponge flies over his head and hits Leela in the face. "Alright, this is the third hose fight I've broken up today and the second one using actual hoses." FLeela growled "Now move your lazy asses and start scrubbing the ship like I ordered you to! Derpy's done more than the two of you combined!" "Really?" Derpy asked "It felt like seconds." "You don't have to get so mad, Leela." Fry replied "Yeah, Fry already wiped off some of the dirt with his finger." Bender pointed at a doodle Fry made of Leela and a speech bubble with 'Yak Yak Yak' in it. Leela growled. The doorbell rings and she went to answer, though Derpy followed. At the entrance, Leela opens the door to a down-and-out Zapp "Zapp!?" Derpy and Leela gasped "Leela, I didn't know where else to turn." Zapp replied "You're the only woman who ever loved me!" "I never loved you." Leela retorted "I meant physically." "What do you want?" Derpy pulled out and cocked a gun. "Just let me work for a little food. Perhaps I could paint a fence, or service you sexually, or mop the floors." "You don't know how to do any of those things." "Kif might." "He's doing much better than you!" Derpy snapped, slamming the door. "...Was that necessary?" Leela asked "With an idiot like him, yes." "Aww... you're so adorable like that." She took Derpy in her arms. "Come on! Let's mock Zapp even more!" "Ooh! I've got tons of crap we can throw at him!" "Literal or junk?" "...MOSTLY junk." Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
The packaged pony.In deep, dark abyss of space, a lone meteor fell from the sky and was heading toward Earth. Said meteor was going at an unimaginable speed, as chunks of it fell off as it fell towards New-New York. Were it any bigger, say... a couple of miles bigger, then the citizens of earth would most likely try to stop it... and if it failed, they'd evacuate to another planet. The meteor lost most of it's mass, leaving it be a bit bigger than a bowling ball by a few inches in diameter, as it crashed onto the front porch of a red building with on it, spelled into it's metal bars on the catwalk above & just above it's door with the logo of a spaceship, reading 'Planet Express'. It steamed from entering the earth's orbit, leaving a small crater right in front of the door. Out from one of it's small hole, a robot hand hand on an arm extended right out, stretching out and pressing onto the building's doorbell. A loud 'Ding-Dong' was heard, and the robotic arm came right back inside the meteor. The meteor cracked in half, revealing a package was inside the whole time with a letter on it. The front door opened, and a really old professor with blue slippers came out really slowly. "What's this?" he asked himself, adjusting his glasses. He leaned down and picked up the package, though his backed cracked as he did it. "Ooph! I should've had Fry or that robot to do this." he walked back inside the building, carrying the package. Inside the building, right past the kitchen & break room, was a huge spaceship sharing with a meeting room that had a circled table & chairs for everyone. All sitting around the table, clock-work, was: a human male with orange hair wearing a white t-shirt under a red jacket with cargo pants; a robot smoking a cigar that was smooth all over & had a door built into it's chest for storing things; a woman a purple pony-tail wearing only a white tank-top with black pants... and is a cyclops; a Jamaican human male with glasses, green pants & jacket over a yellow-white vest and plump compared to everyone; a lobster-esque alien (called a Decapodian) wearing a doctor's outfit & sandals; an Asian woman that was much younger than everyone with black hair and wore a pink hoodie with matching yoga pants; and finally, a middle aged man with a bushy gray mustache in janitor clothes with a brown hat. The professor entered through the main door, holding the package. "Good news, everyone!!!" He announced as he placed the package on the table "We just received a package." "Who's it for?" The human in red asked. The professor took the not off and looked at it. "Hm... I can't read this! It's in scribbles!" "Allow me, professor." The robot said, getting up & blowing out a puff of smoke. "You humans can't read anything unlike us robots!" "Very well. Give it a go, Bender." The robot took the letter and looked through it. "Ah crap! This is either a different language or someone has horrible handwriting!" "Maybe it's from my homeworld?" the Decapodian suggested. "Shut up, Zoidberg! Read!" Bender tossed the letter to the Decapodian and sat back in his seat, pulling a beer out of his chest and chugging it. Zoidberg looked at the letter. "It's not mine." "Maybe I should-" the pink wearing woman spoke "Let's not take turns trying to reading this!" The professor interrupted. He turned to the janitor. "You! What's your face!" "I'm Scruffy," he replied, sounding bored "the janitor." "Whatever! Go outside and fix that porch! We can't have those midgets sue us for having a crater in our front porch." Scruffy got up and made his way out, though really slow and lazily. "...You said this package came from a meteor?" The cyclops asked "...Uh wha-!? Oh! It did. Though I'm not sure what is has inside of it." "Well," the Jamaican spoke, standing right up. "as this place's bureaucratic officer, I suggest that we-" the box moved on it's own. Everyone froze. "Did the box just moved?" The man in red asked. Again, the box moved on it's own, and everyone jumped. The box began to move around violently, as if it were alive "¡El diablo!" Bender yelled "¡El diablo!" "Wait! Look!" The cyclops pointed out. The box moved onto one of it's sides, and the top opened. Rolling out was a small creature covered by a small blanket with small muffins printed all over it. The Muffin patterned blanket came off, as the said creature was revealed: it was a small, grey looking horse thing with a blonde mane & tail, wings on it's side, and it's eyes were really big looking, though it's pupils weren't straight as one looked up & the other looked down. Everyone gasped at the sight of this creature, but said horse thing sat on it's rump, smiled, and looked around in total bliss. "What is that!?" The Bureaucrat asked The professor hastily pulled out a scanner and examined the creature at it began to chase after it's own tail. "Hm... according this scanner," the professor answered "it is an entirely new species!" "A new species!?" The cyclops asked "Why yes! This creature may be a subspecies to a horse, and, by the looks of it's wings, it's loosely related to the Greek Mythology of a Pegasus." "So the pegasus is real!?" The man in red asked "And I thought there was no God!" "No, Fry! I'm not exactly sure, but there may be a chance that this species once came to earth as some sort of messenger for something greater... but what?" "Well whatever it is," Bender spoke, turning around and waling into the break room. "I'm gonna get us the seal clubs!" "Bender!" The woman in pink yelled "How can you say that to something so cute!" "Look at it's eyes, Amy! That thing is stupid! More stupid than Fry!" He walked right out "Yeah!" Fry agreed. He froze, then blinked, realizing what Bender said. "Hey!" The pegasus' ears flattened and she looked down, sniffling a bit. "Look at what you did!" The cyclops exclaimed "You made her cry!" "Her!?" Zoidberg asked "How can you tell it's a woman!? That thing tells us it's a boy!" "That's her tail, idiot!" She looked down at the pegasus and carefully grabbed her. The pegasus froze and was soon held like a baby in the cyclops's arms. She stared into cyclops's eye and gave a curious look. "It's alright; Ma-Ma Leela's here for you." She began to use her index finger and rubbed the pegasus's tummy. "Gootchy Goo! Gootchy goo!" The Pegasus let out a happy squeal. "Aw... that's so adorable!" The woman in pink exclaimed, walking next to Leela. She looked down at the pegasus, smiling. "She needs a name, though." "...You're right, Amy. This little gal needs a name!" The door reopened, and Bender came in with a club. "Alright!" he announced "Hand me the Derpy one with hooves!" "BENDER!!!" The women yelled in unison. The pegasus's ears flicked and she turned herself around, looking at Bender with a smile. "It already has a name?" The bureaucrat asked "And it's... Derpy?" The pegasus gasped with a smile, turning toward the bureaucrat." "You're onto something, Hermes!" Zoidberg exclaimed "Shut up!" Bender yelled "Hand over the hooves!" Derpy turned back to Bender with a smile. "...I got it!" Fry spoke with a snap. "It's Hooves Derpy!" 'Hooves Derpy' turned to Fry, but not smiling, instead with disinterested look that said 'that's not it, idiot'. "You idiot!" The professor yelled "It's Derpy Hooves!" Derpy let out a squeaking noise as she smiled. Bender snagged Derpy out of Leela's arm and set her on the table. He held his club up in the air and prepared to swing at her! "HI-YA!!!" Leela yelled as she kicked Bender to the floor, making him drop his seal club. Derpy giggled hard as Bender got up, only to be meet with Leela's fist to his face. She picked up Derpy and held her like a cat. "You do not hurt Derpy at all, got it!?" "...Yes ma'am." Bender replied weakly before falling back to the floor. "Ugh... I think I got whiplash." Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
The series has landed!It was a wonderful morning for the two, though their hairs say otherwise. Both Leela and Derpy got ready for the day with Leela taking her shower & Derpy taking a morning bath (despite whining she took one last night). While it was true Leela only had to put on clothing, and Derpy herself should be in school, but Derpy was too young to start & the professor may Fire Leela for not arriving on what was technically her first day at work. (Yesterday was a 'meet your coworkers' thing). Though unsure on how Derpy would be alone in the house, Leela decided to take the pegasus back to work with her; perhaps everyone's change their opinions about her. After arriving in Planet express, both saw that only Fry, Bender, and the professor were there. "Oh look!" Bender pointed "It's the freaky eyed one again." "Shut up!" Leela replied "Do you want me to kick your ass again!" "As long as you don't literally bite it." "So how was the little gal?" Fry asked. "...We had the best sleep of our lives, didn't we?" Leela asked Derpy. "Uh-huh!" Derpy replied with a nod. Leela went to Fry's right ear. "She called me 'Ma-Ma'" "Really!?" Fry asked in surprise. "Of course she did. Why do you ask?" "Well... she's actually cute." "You actually think she's cute?" "Yeah, I do! And watch this!" Fry carefully took Derpy away from Leela. Derpy waived her front hooves towards Leela in an attempt to free herself from Fry. Fry began to scratch behind Derpy's ear, causing the pegasus to gasp, but slowly calm down and enjoy Fry's touch. "What did you do?" "It's something I used to do to dogs & cats before, and I wanted to see if it works on her." "...Looks like you succeeded." "Hey! Watch this!" Fry turned around and did something to Derpy and Leela couldn't see. After a few moments, Fry turned around, showing Derpy having his hair style. "Eh!? She's like a tiny form of me!" "That can't see if they're an idiot." Bender replied, followed by his laughing. Derpy woke up and looked at a mirror, seeing her new mane-style. She let out an annoyed grumble and, using her front hooves, made her mane back to normal. "I guess she's not a fan of it." Leela commented. "Eh, it was fun and cute." Fry replied, extending his arms and allowing Derpy to go back to Leela. "Enough cuteness!" The professor yelled "Take your seats in the meeting room and shut up!" The three grumbled to themselves and took their seat in the hologram/meeting room. Leela placed Derpy back on the table, though sitting nex to them was Bender, who gave Derpy a death-like-glare. "As new employees, I'd like your new opinion on our new commercial! I paid it to have it aired on the super bowl!" "Wow!" Fry exclaimed "Not on the same channel, of course." The commercial played on the screen. While everyone was silent, Derpy was giggling at 'Not-Evans' being eaten by the blob, the giant bird abducting the deliveryman, Evans being eaten by the same blob, and the giant bird carrying the same deliveryman. "Are there really giant birds like that?" "No, no. That was all just special effects. Now let's all have breakfast! I hope everyone likes eggs." Derpy followed the professor into the kitchen, where one of the giant eggs hatched, revealing a newly born giant bird. She then laughed hard when said bird took the Professor's head in it's beak, making the professor scream and hitting it with the egg beater in his hand. With the help from Leela, Bender, and Fry, the professor was saved from becoming bird feed, though said bird was put inside a cage and was named Pazuzu. Scruffy moved the bird away to the Professor's laboratory to be experimented on, though breakfast from the professor was cancelled, but this didn't stop either Fry nor Derpy from having their breakfast. For fry, it was Admiral Crunch cereal with milk, caffeinated bacon & baconated grapefruit while Derpy had herself a blueberry muffin. "I'm never gonna get used to the future." Fry commented to himself "Caffeinated bacon, baconated grapefruit, Admiral Crunch!" "If you don't like that," Leela replied, pulling another box of cereal out "try some Archduke Chocula." Derpy to Fry, swallowing her muffin in her mouth. "Muffin?" Derpy insisted "Thanks, but no thanks." Fry replied, rustling Derpy's mane. The door opened and Hermes came in with another package, this one about as tall as an average human. "'Ey everybody!" He announced to everyone "Someone came and dropped this package for us last night. Now which one of you is the captain?" "Oh my!" The professor exclaimed "I haven't picked a new captain yet! It's always so hard to choose." "Ma-Ma!" Derpy exclaimed "Pick Ma-Ma!" "Oh, why should I do that?" Derpy pointed at Fry. "New." She pointed at Bender "Meanie." Pointed at Leela "Good." "Hm... very well! Leela! You're the new captain!" "Aw!" Fry and Bender whined. Derpy waited in the science room with Bender, Leela, Amy, and the professor as Fry was getting a physical exam from Zoidberg. Amy was carrying Derpy around in her arms, scratching behind the pegasus's ears and relaxing her as the professor took Bender's head off , shaking it & as trash dropped from inside. "Dear Lord, Bender!" The professor exclaimed "You're filthy!" "Yeah, like you don't have crap in your neck!" Bender replied as the professor placed his head on the table. "Amy, why don't you give his body a going over with the clean up pick?" "Alright," Amy replied, placing Derpy on the table next to Bender's head. "You have fun with bender." Derpy turned to Bender, who gave her the same death glare. "What are you looking at?" Derpy slapped Bender's head and made him fall to the floor! "...Ow!" Derpy laughed at what she did. The door opened and Fry came in. "Well," he said "The Doc says I'm as healthy as a crab. Can I go into space now?" "As soon as Bender's clean" The professor replied, picking up Bender's head and wiping it with a rag "But as I recall, you youngsters have a package to deliver." "Finally! Come on Bender, let's mosey!" Fry took Bender's head from the professor and tossed it to his body. Bender's body didn't catch his head, causing it to fall on the floor and roll around for a bit. Derpy laughed hard again, tearing up a bit at the sight yet again. "Nice going, idiot!" Bender yelled at himself. Both Fry and Derpy were excited to be heading for the moon; Fry was because he's always dreamed of heading to the moon when he was young and Derpy was just because it was a new place she's never been to before. Derpy sat on Leela's lap, watching out of the window as their ship was ready to blast into orbit. "Can I do the countdown?" Fry asked. "Huh? Oh sure, knock yourself out." Leela replied. In less than a few seconds, they were at the moon's atmosphere. "10, 9-" "Okay, We're here." "8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1blastoff." Derpy, Bender, and Amy all laughed at Fry not watching as they made it to the moon in less than 10 seconds. Their ship flew into the hole of a dome, followed by them landing on the surface inside. "Hurry up! I wanna see the moon!" "Relax, it's open until 9." Leela looked down, seeing Derpy balancing on her hind legs as she leaned on the ship's steering wheel & moved it around, mimicking spaceship noises as any child would. "D'aw, look at that," Amy said, watching Derpy "She thinks she's a space captain like you." "Well I call mutiny!" Bender yelled, finishing his beer and belching out fire. "Bender!" Leela yelled "Let her have her fun!" "Pew! Pew! Pew!" Derpy made the sound of lasers. "Hey Derpy," Amy spoke, leaning to the pegasus "Wanna see something fun?" Derpy turned to Amy with a surprised look, and jumped into Amy's open arms. Amy lifted Derpy, and Derpy gasped, seeing a whole amusement park! "Fun!" Derpy yelled "Fun!" The door reopened, and Fry came back inside. "You're not gonna believe this!" Fry yelled, about as hyper as a child would "They landed an amusement park on the moon!" "Guh! It's the happiest place orbiting the earth." "Well let's go already!" "Fun!" Derpy yelled. "Fry," Leela spoke, trying her best to stay patient. "we have a crate to deliver." "Well let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it." Fry offered. "That's too much work!" Bender replied "Let's burn it and SAY we dumped it in the sewer!" "Okay, if everyone's finished being stupid-" Leela spoke "I had more, but you can go ahead." Fry interrupted "We'll deliver that crate like professionals and then we'll head home." "But I've never been to the moon before!" Fry turned around and took Derpy from Amy "And neither has she! Are you really not going to let her have fun on the moon until who knows how long?" "Fun!" Derpy repeated herself. "...Ugh... alright." Leela sighed in defeat "We'll deliver that crate like professionals and then we'll... get on every ride we can, just for Derpy." The four cheered together. "Finally! She's useful for something!" Bender exclaimed "Shut up!" Both of the women spoke in unison. Fry, Amy, and Derpy were left in charge to deliver the crate to park as Bender and Leela waited in the super long line for tickets. "Clear?" Amy asked "Clear!" Fry replied "Ready to hoist?" "Ready!" "Uh-Huh!" Derpy jumped up to the controls, stopping Amy from clicking the button that'd bring the magnet down. She pointed up as the magnet was, if clicked on, would fall and hit Amy in the head. She made some 'ZZZ' noises, as if to simulate the buzz of electricity and the magnet would bring the keys Leela left with Amy into their package. "Oh... thanks, Derpy!" Amy replied, rustling her mane. "I really owe you one! Want some Ice cream?" "Ice Cweam!?" Derpy replied, her tail wagging like a dog's. "Yeah, I guess that'll do." Looking up, Amy moved the magnet over to their package, clicking on the button and getting the package onto the lift. Derpy walked in between Amy & Fry, feeling a bit nervous at the looks she received from the public, but safe with Leela's coworkers. Fry lead the way as he moved their package to the receiving depot. "This is it!" Fry spoke, turning back and looking at Derpy "My first space delivery and your delivery ever!" "Uh-Huh!" Derpy agreed with a nod. They entered to see a big guy lazily relaxing & leaning on his chair with his feet on the desk "Uh, greetings moon man! We come in peace! I am Fry from the planet Earth." "Wise Guy, huh?" The man replied in a Dutch Brooklyn accent "If I wasn't so lazy, I'd punch you in the stomach." "But you are lazy, right?" "Ah Don't get me started." "Wazy man." Derpy commented as she turned around and left, seeing Leela & Bender near the front of the line. They ran out and headed to the entrance. "... If I's wasn't dead, than I's sures is with this new accent." The crew made it in the park, and it was just as fun as Amy, Leela, and Bender remembered it (at least after he jammed it his empty beer bottle into the 'eye' of Crater Face, Luna Park's Mascot). For Derpy, it was such a fun experience everywhere she went, and as for Fry... it was different from what he expected. Both Fry and Derpy were with each other for the majority of the time, as Derpy laid on top of Fry's head and Fry looked around a souvenir stall. Fry bought a magnet that read 'What part of MOON don't you understand?' for Derpy. "Think I should buy more for everyone else?" Fry asked "Uh-Huh!" Derpy nodded. "Well alright! Five more, please!" As he bought the magnets, Derpy heard what they spoke on the other side. "Ugh, who buys this trash?" Leela asked "Idiots who buy gifts for other idiots." Bender answered. Fry walked around the corner. "Hey!" Fry spoke happily "I got you guys refrigerator magnets!" Fry placed a magnet on Bender's head; a buzz was heard on Bender as his eyes 'pupils' grew in size. "Get it off!" Bender yelled "Get it off! Get it- uh oh!" Bender began to dance as he sang a country song "♫How many road must a man walk down before you AOOO!!!♫" Fry ran up and took the magnet off Bender's head. Derpy began to laugh even harder, tearing up as she laughed as Bender took deep breaths. "Keep those things off of me!!! Magnets screw up my inhibition unit!" "So you flip out and act like some crazy folk singer?" "Yes... I guess a robot would have to be crazy enough to want to become a folk singer." As Bender turned to look at the Artificial lighting above, Derpy snicked as she threw her magnet at Bender, having it land on his ass. Bender turned to see the magnet and Deroy giggling to herself. "YOU LITTLE BAS- ♫I love you, You love me, we're a happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Won't you say you love me too?♫" "I wove you now." Derpy replied with a giggle. "I guess he sings differently depending on who places a magnet on him." Leela observed. In a ride called 'Whalers of the Sea of Tranquility' everyone sat on a boat with water around them. All around them there were robots connected to rails, each looking like human whalers. Derpy bopped her head as the robots sang. "♫We're whalers of the moon! We carry our harpoons! But there ain't no whales so we tell tall tales and sing our whaling tune!♫" This was repeated for the whole ride, even worse for Bender as he remembered being in high school with another robot singing the tune. They all sat down to watch a show called 'Goophy Gopher Revue', something that they'd normally pass, but was insisted by Derpy. Two robotic gophers (a wide one with another wearing glasses & a graduation hat) came out of some obvious fake craters. "Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock?" The wide gopher asked "Because," the other answered "it's a little... meteor!" Multiple gophers came out and laughed at the joke. "This is weak!" Fry commented. Derpy stood on her hind legs and gave a proper slap across Fry's face. "Address all complaints to the monsento corporation." Though having a red cylander was on Fry's face, everyone else enjoyed their day, getting a hold and enjoying their Orlon Candy (which was really gray colored Cotton Candy). While everyone was happy, Fry wasn't. "What's wrong, Fry?" Leela asked "It is because Derpy enjoyed that show more than you?" "...I don't know," Fry replied "This place is great and all, but it's so... artificial. The Gravity, the air, the gophers, you might as well stay on earth." He stopped and turned to his right. "That's what I wanted to see!" He ran to his right, looking out to the rest of the moon "I want to go jump around like an astronaut! Screw this phony stuff!" Derpy gasped and was readying her front leg again for a slap, only to be stopped by Amy's ear massage. "But the Phony stuff is what's fun; it's boring out there!" "Yeah!" Bender agreed "You're the type of guy who visits Jerusalem and doesn't want to check out the sexateria!" "Sex-a-what?" Derpy asked "You'll learn soon." Amy replied "Hm... maybe I should take Fry to the Lunar Rover Ride." Leela insisted "You get to wear a spacesuit and get to drive around on the surface. And the line's short because it's educational!" "I don't care how educational it is!" Fry replied with eagerness "Let's do it!" "Fine, but let me get Derpy along; she needs some sort of education." Fry, Leela, and Derpy were in space suits as well as riding around on a rover. Though Fry & Leela were in human shaped suits sharing the same oxygen tank, Derpy had to be put in a small, space dog suit with it's own oxygen tank and only her tail was sticking out freely. "Finally!" Fry exclaimed, holding onto the steering wheel. "Get ready for some serious moon action!" Their Rover moved ahead into a pressure room. "The story of Lunar exploration began with one man," an announcer spoke through the Rover's radio. The doors opened, revealing a black & white scene with two animatronics; one as a large man in a police uniform and the other as a regular house wife. "A man with a dream." "One of these days, Alice," the male animatronic spoke "Bam! Zoom! Straight to the moon!" "Wow!" Leela exclaimed "I never realized that the first astronauts were that fat." "That's not an astronaut!" Fry replied angrily "It's a T.V. comedian! He was just using space as a metaphor for beating his wife." Derpy's head rose as her ears perked up, turning to Fry with a look of fear. "Look at what you did! Oh, come here, Derpy, Fry shouldn't have said that." Leela picked up Derpy and began to caress her tail. "Hey, it was the 50's." They continued on to an obvious fake, cardborad cutout of the Lunar landing with craters and backdrops of the moon's surface, despite the real surface right behind it. "No one knows where or when or how man first landed on the moon." The announcer continued. "I do!" "But our Fun-geneers think it might's have happened something like this!" More of the whalers came out, but now accompanied with the gophers, singing the 'Whalers of the Moon' song again. Leela and Derpy sang along with the tune, though Derpy's was a bit more gibberish. "That's not how it happened!" Both Leela and Derpy turned to Fry with an impatient look. "Oh, really?" Leela asked "I don't see you with a Fun-geneering Degree." "Ugh! This is stupid! I'm taking this thing out to the REAL moon!" "Fry, No! This is my first mission and I don't want us to get into any trouble. Besides, it's on a track." Fry snickered to himself as he took one of the whaler's harpoons. "Not for long!" He chucked the harpoon, making it land in front of them. Their Rover rode up on the harpoon, but turned to the right and began driving ahead, giving Fry full control of the rover! They ran over one of the whalers. "Sowwy!" Derpy said to the whaler as they drove off. "I love what I do!" The whaler replied. "Okay, we're on the moon," Leela said impatiently "you're on the surface. Now I'll give you ten minutes, then you'll get bored, turn around, and apologize for being such a jerk! Agreed?" "Agreed!" Fry replied, not listening to what Leela said. Fry drove the Rover wildly, laughing maniacally. Despite Derpy's best effort to not join Fry, she cheered as they drove. "WHEE!!!" "Yeah! Crank up the radio!" Derpy pressed on the button. Whaler music. Fry turned off the radio. "Never mind." Derpy rode on the hood of the Rover and, though no wind passed her mane as in the tube transport systems, it was still fun to see craters pass by them. "Time's up." Leela spoke "Make a U-Turn at the next crater." "No! Not yet!" Fry replied "How about we go looking for the original moon landing site!?" "Adventuwe!!!" Derpy yelled "That's crazy!" Leela yelled "It's been missing for centuries!" "Well I'm feeling lucky!" Fry replied with a smug. Their car flipped over a boulder and fell into a large crater. When they landed, they began to sink into the crater. "Uh... I'm ready to go back now." "Really!?" "Well... WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!! IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!!!" He jumped out of the rover and fell a few inches deeper. "Help me, Leela and Derpy!!!" Leela grunted to herself, picking up their oxygen tank. Derpy grabbed onto Leela's leg, and the cyclops turned the valve on the oxygen tank, making them fly and free themselves from the Moon's quick sand. They landed safely on the moon's surface. "You did it! We're safe!!!" "No." Leela replied, turning to show their Oxygen was near empty "Now we're going to die! "IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!!!" Fry turned to run away, but fell from his own Oxygen line. Derpy looked at her oxygen tank, seeing it was still full. "Full!" She simply said. Leela looked down at Derpy. "Derpy! You're a lifesaver!" Leela exclaimed. The pegasus blushed from her comment. Leela pulled a line from Derpy's tank and connected it to their own tank, allowing all three to breath in space. "How long do we have?" Fry asked "Hm... about three hours. We have to get to the park as quick as possible!" About half an hour later, the three stumbled upon a farm on the moon's surface. Together, they ran into the barn, taking their helmets off and breathing in the fresh air... with the scent of dung. A coking sound was heard, and they turned, screaming as a human farmer was there, holding a shotgun to their face. Derpy hid right behind Fry & Leela's legs. "Trespasser's, eh!?" The farmer asked, still aiming at them. "No, sir!" Fry replied "We're amusement park patrons!" The farmer lowered his shotgun. "Ooh! That's a wicked, simple place! Tilt-a-world's okay, but the rest is mighty wicked!" "Please, our car broke down and we're nearly out of oxygen." Leela explained "Can we borrow some?" "Borrow!? Listen here city girl, Oxygen don't grow on trees! Y'er gonna have to earn it doin' chores on ma farm. Ye can go back to your park at sunup." "Really? There are no exceptions?" "Yep! No exceptions!" "Not even for her?" Leela picked up Derpy and held her to the farmer. "What the-!?" "P.U.!" Derpy yelled, covering her muzzle with her hooves "He's smewwy!" The farmer gave a curious look. "Well the... why didn't ya'll tell me ye were both married and had a strange alien daughter!?" "D-Daughter!?" Fry stammered "But we're not-" Leela shoved her elbow into Fry's gut. "Yep! That's us!" Leela spoke, acting like a wife "She's Derpy and she's our adopted daughter!" "...Yeah! That's our little girl, honey." "Aw! She's a cutie!" The farmer commented. "Ya'll can have that rover right over there and drive to wherever the park is at." "You don't know the directions?" "Hell nah! I don't visit wicked places!" They looked at each other and shrugged, following the strange farmer to his rover decorated with a confederate flag on it. "Okay, now that's racist!" "What you say about my sense of patriotism!?!?!?" The door to the barn, and a funny looking, triangular yellow robot with a single blue eye on a single wheel with twig like arms & three fingers came out, waving it's arms around. "RUN!!!" it yelled "The Kraggons are here!!!" "Kwaggons?" Derpy asked. The house exploded as a huge, dragon looking monster made of stone & dripping came out, letting out a roar! "HOLY CRAP!!!" Leela yelled. "More like HOLY S**T!!!" The robot yelled, censoring the last word as he jumped onto the back. "Let's get outta here!!!" Fry, Leela, and Derpy jumped into the Rover, Leela taking the wheel while Fry held onto Derpy. They drove away as the Farmer fired at the Kragon! "What the hell's a Kragon!?" Fry asked "I have no idea!" Leela Replied "What's a Kragon, robot, and who the hell are you!?" "Oh! Allow me to introduce myself!" The robot spoke "I am a CR4P-TP unit, but you can call me 'Craptrap'!" "Alright... Craptrap... What's a Kragon and how do we deal with it!?" "A Kragon is creature made of pure rock that can breath in zero oxygen area and are usually around Petedora's moon, Lepis! The best way to get rid of a Kragon is to shoot it until it dies! And must I say, what an adorable creature you have with you! My cute sensors are going off the charts and I predict she's going to be as adorable when she's older and gets her own foal!" "...What!?" Derpy yelled in confusion. Loud roars were heard along with the ground shaking, as the Kragon exploded and smaller Kragons came out, continuing the chase right behind them. "Oh yeah; When Kragons die, there's a chance that they'll explode into smaller Kragons that make up their lack of strength physically with strength in numbers." "Then what do we do!?" Fry asked "Hold on! I'm going to send an SOS for someone to pick us up! Hopefully, one of my old high school buddies will come along and pick us up in a few hours, or in a few days, months, even years! GAP!!!" "Hold on to your helmets!" Leela ordered. Derpy held onto her helmet as they jumped over the gap that had aliigators, each in their own space helmet. They landed, though the wheel on the back left deflated. The pack of Kragons stopped and growled at them, turning around to find another way around. "We made it!!!" Craptrap yelled. "Cool!" Fry yelled "The Dark side of the Moon!" "Don't you mean the Dark side of Uranus?" "Nightfall's coming!" Leela exclaimed. The darkness laid over Fry, making him shiver upon impact. "Come on! Before we all freeze!" "Like Walt Disney!!!" Craptrapp yelled, following them. Fry held onto Derpy again as both Fry & Leela hopped to get away from the dark side of the moon. "We can't outrun it forever!" "...Over there!" Fry pointed "Look: It's the Moon Landing Sight! We found it!" They hopped over to the moon landing sight, Leela climbing up the ladder to the ship used to land in & opening it's door. Fry held onto Derpy as he looked around in awe. "Quick! Get in!" "Look, Derpy! It's the flag from MTV! And Neil Armstrong's footprint!" He stomped on the footprint. "Hey! My foot's bigger! Isn't this the greatest thing you've ever seen, guys!?" "Fry, look around: it's just a crummy plastic flag and a dead man's track in the dust!" Fry's happiness went away as he stared into the open, hearing Leela's words going through him. "Now get inside before you and Derpy freeze!" Fry sighed to himself, waling to the landing device, holding Derpy up for Leela first before entering himself. They closed the door behind them, shutting Craptrap behind them "A LADDER!?" Craptrap yelled in surprise "NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Well... if it doesn't hurt, I'll signal for help for us! Hopefully, some mercenaries will pick us up, or Hoperion will. And... oh man, I'm so lonely. See ya soon." Inside, Leela placed their oxygen container in the middle as they sat near the controls. "Well if the oxygen holds," Leela spoke negatively "we might live long enough to starve to death. Derpy, close your eyes & cover your ears as we eat." "Uh-Huh!" Derpy replied, oblivious at what Leela meant. "...Leela... I'm sorry." Fry apologized. "I never should've dragged you both out here." "That's right! You shouldn't have! I still don't get what the big 'attraction' is." Fry sighed "I never told anyone this, but a thousand years ago, I used to look up at the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just didn't have the grades... or the physical endurance... plus I threw up a lot and no one likes spending a week with me." "A week would be a little much." Derpy nodded. "The moon was like this awesome, romantic, mysterious thing hanging up there in the sky where you'd never reach it, no matter how much you wanted to." Both Leela and Derpy looked at each other in silence, both feeling a bit guilty. "But you're right; once you're actually here, it's just a big, dull rock. I guess I just wanted both of you to see it through my eyes... the way I used to." Both Derpy and Leela looked at Fry, seeing the reflection of earth on his helmet. Derpy walked to the window and looked out of it. "Look." She simply said. Both Fry and Leela looked outside. "It's pwetty." "...It sure is." Leela replied, smiling and taking Derpy back to sit on her lap. Out in the distance, Craptrap ran for his life as Kragons came and chased after him. "The Kragons!" He yelled "They're here! I shouldn't have showed them my new mixtape!!!" Up above, the planet express ship came flying in, and inside, piloting the ship, was Bender! "It's Bender!" Fry yelled "We're saved!" "But how!?" Leela asked "He doesn't know how to fly a ship, does he?" "I uploaded pilot controls to him!" Craptrap yelled, still running for his life. The magnet Fry & Amy used to get the package came down & hovered over Craptrap "Oh no! Not the Magnet! NOT THE MAGNET!!! NOO!!!" It attached to him "Uh oh!" Craptrap began to dance and sing a famous song, making Fry & Leela groan and cover their ears, though Derpy sang along and danced with Craptrap as their shuttle was taken away. Dear Diary, My Name is Derpy, and today was my first day delivering packages & visiting the moon at the same time! Ma-Ma's dumb friend, Fry, took us away from the park, but we meet a funny robot that sings pretty funny music and dances pretty good. He and the meanie, Bender, were actually friends from High School as both were partiers. Bender says he didn't mean to save us, as his friend was small, but I think, perhaps, under that metal skin and his attitude, he has a heart of Gold. His friend is staying with him for a few days, but I want to take lessons from him on dancing. Until Next Time, Derpy Hooves. P.S. Bender, if you're reading this, I meant as in you are actually nice, not having a literal heart of gold. Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
When Aliens attackIn Planet Express's Lounge room, Fry, Bender, and Derpy laid back on the couch. Fry held a can of Slurm, Bender, a can of beer, and Derpy, with, yet, another muffin. The door opened and Hermes entered "What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost!?" He exclaimed "Get to work, you lazy boat bag!" He rolls up some paper he held and hit Bender's head with it. Fry chuckled, but Hermes hits him. Derpy chuckled, putting on Bender as protection. "Ow! Hey, quit it, Hermes." Fry said "It's Labor Day." "Labor Day!? That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?" "That's the one." "Hot damn, a day off!" He took off his jacket & shirt sits with the three. Bender hands him a beer. The rest of the staff walk in wearing & carrying various things; Zoidberg wore an old-fashioned green striped swimsuit & a lobster rubber ring around his waist; Amy wore a pink bikini and carries a fold-up chair; Leela wore a green swimsuit and carried a picnic bag; Farnsworth carried a red parasol and wore 3/4-length shorts, though he still wears his lab coat and slippers "Who's up for one last summer beach trip?" Leela asked. Bender and Hermes leap up. "Aw, yeah!" Bender cheered "Ready, Freddy!" Hermes added, unzipping his trousers, revealing he was wearing swimming trunks underneath. "Whoo! Sexy Lifeguards!" Derpy added, pulling out both sunscreen and sunglasses. "Eh, I think I'll just stay here." Fry said, enthusiastically "Fry," Leela scold "you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get out and see the real world." She walks between him and the TV., but Fry peers around her. "But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world!" "...Can't argue with that." Derpy said. Leela sighsed "Everyone's too polite to say anything, but you're covered with bed sores." She said. "Not covered!" Fry retorted "Just get in the car." Leela drove the crew across the desert in a dark blue convertible. With her in the front are Farnsworth, Derpy, and Fry, who took off his red jacket and swapped it for red shorts. Amy, Hermes and Zoidberg sit in the back while Bender laid across the three of them. They arrived at the Beach. Leela parked in the packed car park and the crew gotout.] "Ah, here we are: Monument Beach!" Farnsworth said. Derpy and Fry gazed at the beach; People climbed the Great Sphinx of Giza alongside it is St. Peter's Tower, the White House, Randy's Donuts, many Moai of Easter Island, the Leaning Tower of Pisa and Mount Rushmore.] "Wait, Mount Rushmore and the Leaning Tower of Pisa?" Fry asked "I didn't know they were both in New York!" "What about the small ones from Las Vegas?" Derpy asked. Leela unpacked some things from trunk "They are now." She replied to Fry "In the 2600's, New Yorkers elected a super-villain governor, and he stole most of the world's monuments." "Truly a great man." Bender added "Look at him up there." He points up at the super-villain and whistles. The governor's head has been carved into the mountain next to the other presidents' heads. Derpy then pulled out some blueprints herself and wrote something down. "Steal...stolen...monuments." On the Beach, Leela lies on a sunbed and picks up a tube of Tanning Butter from the arm. She squeezes some onto her legs and hums as she rubs it in. Zoidberg, meanwhile, picks up a chunk of real butter and rubs it across his head and groans. Hermes walks across in front of Zoidberg, Amy and Leela with a metal detector. It beeps rapidly. "Aha!" He exclaimed, putting the metal detector down and dug in the sand. "Found you!" Bender's head pops up from the sand. "OK, now you go hide." He said. Hermes puts the trowel down and hands Bender the metal detector and runs off. Bender throws the metal detector away and chuckles. "Nice knowin' you." He runs to a sunbed, picks up a drink and closes his eyes. Derpy opened his chest and looked around. "Did we win?" She asked "Yep." "YAY!!!" Farnsworth and Zoidberg 'battled' Amy and Leela in a beach volleyball game, with Derpy recording the action. Amy passed the ball to Leela and she hits it over the net. It hits Farnsworth on the head and knocks him over with a groan. The ball lands on Zoidberg's claw and bursts. He frowns and throws it into a pile of at least 20 other burst balls. Farnsworth stands up. "Come on, Zoidberg!" Farnsworth yelled "I passed it right to you." Zoidberg scoffs. "I've had it with this game!" He said "I'm going for a scuttle!" He crouches down and scuttles into the water. "...I guess the ladies win!" Derpy announced. Leela is back on her sunbed, Derpy resting on her head, as Bender is on his. "OK, everyone, come and get it!" Bender announced. He opens his door; it was a grill and there are a couple of cooked burgers on a wire rack. He takes one out and puts it in a bun and hands it to Fry. Fry takes a bite. "Ah, just like my dad used to make," Fry said "until McDonald's fired him." "Bite my red-hot glowing ass." Bender replied. Smoke rose from behind him. "Wait a minute. Red-hot glowing ass?" He turns around and sees his red-hot glowing ass. He turns back to Fry. "I'll be right back!" He stood up and ran into the sea, waving his arms around. "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" His ass sizzles in the cool water. "Aw, yeah!" Amy, Leela, Derpy, and Fry ate their burgers while Farnsworth sleeps. Nibbler watches, licking his lips. Amy's burger slips out of the roll and onto her chest. Nibbler leaps up. "No, Nibbler!" Exclaimed. Nibbler runs off with the burger and her bikini top. She gasps and covers herself with the burger buns. Derpy, however, noticed, whistled and had a nosebleed. "nice..." She said as Amy blushed in embarrassment and whispered to the professor. "Psst, Professor, I need another bikini." Farnsworth woke up. "Eh ... wha?" He mumbled before seeing her. "Oh, oh, OK, I think there's one can left." He reached into a bag next to him to look for a can of spray-on bikini... "Oh, dear. Sorry Amy, I think Bender, Derpy and Zoidberg used the last one...." "I'm sexy and I know it!" Shouts Zoidberg in a bikini as everyone on beach vomits or claws out their eyes. "Professional eye rippers! 500$" Shouts Bender as people eagerly ran up to pay to get their eyes ripped out. "An extra 500 for anyone who needs a whack to the head to knock the memories out!" Shouts Depry as she lightly smacks a bat to her hoof meaningfully, this was the best scheme she and her Uncle Bender had ever come up with! "Well, what am I supposed to do!? I didn't bring any spare clothes!" Hissed Amy desperate. "Just pretend your a cheap, French harlot. You already look the part anyway, so why not?." "French?" Asked Amy offended. She irritably sits down to think of what to do- SQUISH! So looks down to see she'd sat on yet another burger, it's juices smeared all over her bottoms...and she notices Nibbler nearby and licking his lips. "Don't you dare!" Hissed Amy as she tried to keep her bottoms away from nibbler- CHOMP! Turns out he was hungry for 'diffrent' buns. Amy quickly swinging her rear away from him, had brought the buns she was covering her chest in range of Nibbler Which he'd quickly eaten- FWOOM! But also swung her bikini bottoms in range of the grill, setting them on fire. She screamed and ran practically naked into the ocean. "...So... hot." Mumbled Derpy happily. Meanwhile, Fry finished sculpting a sandcastle. A blonde guy stands over him and kicks the sandcastle in his face. Leela gasped and Fry spat the sand out. The guy turned to Leela. "Say, doll-face," The bully said " how'd you like to make time with a real man?" "No. I'm not attracted to bullies." Leela said "No matter how big and... handsome they are." "It's OK, Leela," Fry said "go ahead. I got a lot of work to do." "Uh, sir, you don't understand." The bully spoke "I'm a professional beach bully. I pretend to steal your girl, you punch me, I go down, she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks." "50 bucks!? Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her." "Fry!" Leela spoke "Although I suppose we could go for a walk along the beach." "Uh, no thanks, ma'am, I'm actually gay." The bully spoke, running off. Leela only sighs. Derpy flew after him. "Wait! Let me feel your sexy abs!" She yelled Fry finishes reconstructing his sandcastle. "Voila!" Fry spoke "The greatest sandcastle ever built. This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in, if he were a fiddler crab." Leela and Farnsworth gather round, followed by Derpy, who had a dreamy look on her face. "It's very nice." Leela said "We should get a picture before the tide comes in." "Yeah... like what I did." Derpy said, pulling out a picture of herself touching that bully's abs. Amy, Zoidberg and Bender arrive. "Anyone have a camera?" Fry asked "Right here, buddy." Bender said. His left eyelid covers his left eye and his right eye zooms out. The rest of the staff kneel next to the castle. "Wait, I wanna be in the picture too." He takes his head off and puts it on the ground. He pushes his antenna down and it flashes like a timer. His body joins the staff. "Pretend you're happy." Everyone smiled... though, it faded when a huge shadow creeps over them. The camera goes off as the crew look up and see a huge, grey, alien saucer flying low overhead. The center of it starts to open up. Everyone watches as it stops above the White House. The middle opens up and it blows up the White House. Everyone screams. "Oh, my God!" Leela screamed "Eh, we have another one." Derpy shrugged. Hermes pokes his head up through the sand. "What in Babylon?" People flee as a fleet of saucers reduce the monuments to rubble and knock over the Leaning Tower of Pisa. A smaller saucer flies past the staff and destroys Fry's sandcastle. Fry falls to his knees and scoops up the sand. "Nooo!" Seeing her chance, Amy ran out of the water hopping everyone would be busy not dying to notice her naked flesh- Suddenly, severls saucers pop out giant novelty cameras and point it at her. INVASION CALLED TEMPORARILY ON ACCOUNT OF NAKED CHICK! Indeed, everything seemed to stop as everyone gawked at Amy. Mortified, she runs into the car with the rest of the crew... OKAY, SHOWS OVER! INVASION BACK ON! The crew return to New New York with alien saucers chasing them! They ran inside the building as a saucer blew up their car. everyone ran inside so fast, they locked the door before Amy could get in, she hides behind a trash can hoping no one will see her...oh, and also hoping she won't die. That was an issue too of course... Fry peeped through the blinds and turns to the others. "We're all gonna die, aren't we?" He asked. "Oh, I should think so." admitted Farnsworth. "I'm too young and cute to die!!!" Derpy screamed "Although, last time aliens invaded, all they did was force the most intelligent of us to pair off and mate continuously. Oh, yes!" Farnsworth happily sprays his throat. Bender turned on the TV to the news. Linda presents with a smile. "Once again, today's winning lotto number was 4." She said to the camera "In other news, alien saucers continue to rain destruction upon Earth. We now go live to an emergency address by Earth President McNeal." A picture in the corner fills the screen. McNeal, a middle-aged man with brown hair and a croaky voice, addresses people from different nations. "Ladies and gentlemen," McNeal spoke "our course is clear. The time has come to knuckle under. To get down on all fours and really lick boot. Give our alien masters whatever they want a-- The TV cuts to static briefly then changes to a Omicronian wearing a big, red cape, and is surrounded by several other Omicronians. He spoke into an old-fashioned microphone. "People of Earth," The caped one spoke "I am Lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8." He taps the mic and turns to his aides. "Is this thing on?" He blows into it and turns back to the camera. "Now then: We want the one you call "McNeal". Give us McNeal or we will lay waste to your cities with our anti-monument laser. We demand McNeal!" The picture cuts out then back to a totally flabbergasted McNeal. "Uh, as I was saying... mankind would sooner perish than kowtow to outrageous alien demands for this McNeal ... whoever he is. Am I right?" The representatives murmur to each other. "And now, the man who will lead us in our proud struggle for freedom, fresh from his bloody triumph over the pacifists of the Gandhi Nebula, 25-star General Zapp Brannigan!" He steps aside and Zapp takes the podium. The people cheer and applaud. Fry applauded while Derpy and Leela groaned "Hey, look, Leela," Bender pointed "it's that idiotic windbag you slept with." "SHUT UP!!!" Derpy shouted "Call me cocky," Zapp spoke "but if there's an alien out there I can't kill, I haven't met him and killed him yet. But I can't go it alone. That's why I'm ordering every available ship to report for duty. Anyone without a ship should secure a weapon and fire wildly into the air." Leela stood up. "Well, you heard the windbag:" She said "We've been drafted. Everyone into the ship." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on." Bender retorted "I refuse to fight. I'm a conscientious objector." "A what?" Fry and Derpy asked "You know, a coward." "Since this is an emergency," Zapp continued "all robots will now have their patriotism circuits activated." He held up a remote control, points it at the camera and presses the button. Bender's antenna top flashes red and beeps and he stands up. "It is every robot's duty to give his life for the good of humanity." His antenna stops flashing. "Oh, crap!" The crew stood in the Nimbus Hangar Bay. The ships are moored and Zapp gives the assembled recruits a briefing. He walks down the ranks with Kif at his side. "We're all from different cultures here." Zapp spoke "Some of you are white, some of you are black." He stops by a man and points at him. "You're brown." He moves on to Bender. "And you're silver." He then points at Derpy. "And you're... I don't know." She stuck her tongue out at him, blowing a raspberry. "But I don't care if your skin's red or tan or Chinese. You're all going to have to learn to die together." He looks back at Bender. "Am I right, soldier?" "Well, actually, I-" Bender began, but Zapp presses the remote again and Bender's antenna flashes and beeps. "Sir, yes, sir! Sir!" "Remember, our mission is simple: Destroy all aliens!" Kif raises his hand. "Um, uh, not me, sir." He spoke "Oh, yes, right. Nobody destroy Kif.... Unless you have to." He sees Leela. "Oh, ho, ho! The luscious Captain Leela." He rubbed his hands. "This is turning into one very sex-ay struggle for the future of the human race!" "Thanks, but I'm not technically human." She replied with annoyance "Right, right. Nobody destroy Leela either." "And my daughter." "Ok, I get it... someone send it to the glue factory." Derpy leapt and bit onto Zapp's face. He screamed, albeit, muffled, and ran around blindly. In the Nimbus Briefing Room, The recruits are dressed in DOOP uniforms and Zapp briefs them. He points at a display of an Omicronian saucer. "The alien mothership is in orbit here." He spoke "If we can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate." Kif sighs and turns to a computer. "Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. On my command, all ships will line up and file directly into the alien death cannons, clogging them with wreckage." Fry raises his hand. "W-Wouldn't it make more sense to send the robots in first a--" He spoke, but Bender starts to choke him. His antenna flashes again and he stops choking Fry and salutes. "Sir, I volunteer for a suicide mission!" Bender spoke. His antenna stops flashing and he bangs his head with his knuckles. "Aw, cut it out!" "You're a brave robot, son." Zapp spoke again "But when I'm in command every mission's a suicide mission. Which reminds me." He walks over to where Leela is sitting and puts his foot on the seat next to her. She folds her arms and isn't impressed. "Leela, perhaps before we head into battle you'd like to make love to me, in case one of us doesn't come back." "Maybe we should wait till afterwards, in case neither of us comes back." She said, annoyed "Here's hoping." He salutes by tapping his heart, saluting from his head and blowing a kiss. Derpy pulled out a Baseball bat and knocked him out with it. Leela rustled her mane. "That's my girl." The fleet flies around the moon and headed towards the Omicronian mothership Fry manned the controls and wears a helmet. "I'm gonna be a science-fiction hero, just like Uhura, or Captain Janeway, or Xena!" He spoke "Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life." She spoke "Can't you tell the difference?" "Sure, I just like TV better." He makes gunfire noises. "...What about reality TV?" Derpy asked. Everyone went silent. "...Oh." The fleet attacks. Lasers flew around. The Omicronians fire back on the fleet and blows up two ships flanking the Planet Express ship. It peels away, narrowly avoiding another laser beam. Leela wrestled with the controls as alarms beep and smoke pours from the ceiling. She brushes the hair out of her eye and looks across the room. "Bender, damage report!" She ordered "The auxiliary power's out," Bender replied "and they spilled my cocktail!" "Alright, scumwads." Fry spoke "This one's for Bender's cocktail!" The Planet Express ship flies straight towards the saucer and Fry fires 12 blasts from the laser. Leela turned the ship away and the Omicronian saucer creaks, groans, and finally, explodes in a spectacular fireball, complete with an obligatory flying tire. "We did it! We won!" Derpy cheered "Yeah, but it'll never bring back my martini." Bender replied sadly, then went back to normal as he opened his chest cabinet. "Well, who wants a martini?" He takes a cocktail mixer out and shakes it. Fry, Leela and Bender chink their glasses and raise a toast, though Derpy had herself a can of soda. The communication screen comes down from the ceiling, showing Zapp with a black eye "Good work, everyone. The mothership is destroyed." He said Through the window they see several white dots filling the starfield. The dots form a circular shape outside and it flips over, revealing it to be another Omicronian saucer that is so huge it dwarfs the Nimbus. "What the hell is that thing!? "It appears to be the mothership." Kif answered "Then what did we just blow up?" "...The Hubble Telescope. The battle continues. The real mothership destroys more ships "This is hopeless!" Leela yelled. She ran to the pilot's seat and sat down. "If we're gonna get blown to bits, we might as well do it in the comfort of our own home." She pulled a lever on the seat. The ship jerks to a stop and reverses back towards Earth. In the Planet Express Lounge, Farnsworth talked to a woman, a man and a robot who bear a striking resemblance to Leela, Fry and Bender. "You'll be the captain," Farnsworth spoke to the three "you'll be the delivery boy, and you'll be the alcoholic, foul-mouthed-" The door behind him opens and the real crew walk in. "Oh, God, you're alive! I mean, thank God you're alive!" He turns back to the others. "Sorry, check back in three days, a week at the most." They leave and Lrrr crackles onto the TV. "We want McNeal! Stop stalling!" The scene changes to the news studio with Linda. "And now, a rebuttal from President McNeal." McNeal addresses the same people as before. Zapp is back with them. "The people of Earth remain united in my refusal to hand over myself. Total annihilation is a small price to pay compared with-" Zapp steps forward and puts a sack over McNeal. As he drags him away the people applaud and a man kicks the sack. "That's probably the only smart thing he's done." Derpy commented. Outside Capitol Building, An Omicronian saucer is parked at the back of the building and there is a door at ground level. Zapp puts the sack down, knocks and runs a few feet back. "Here he is! Come and get him!" The door slides up, revealing Lrrr and a female looking Omicronian. McNeal wriggles out of the sack and gasps. "You are not McNeal." Lrrr soke "Huh!?" Both the president and Zapp asked "You are not the one we want." The female acknowledged "Oh, thank you!" McNeal groveled "Thank you, glorious masters! I-" Lrrr whips out a laser and vaporizes McNeal. He crumbles into a pile of smoking dust. Zapp squeals and takes a step back. "Give us McNeal!" He shouted "That was McNeal." Zapp said "No, McNeal," The female retorted "the single female lawyer." "She wears miniskirts and is promiscuous." Lrrr added "Really?" Zapp asked, sexually while rubbing his chin. "Miniskirts? That sounds familiar." Fry thought aloud "Surely you know McNeal." Lrrr continued "She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world." "Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent." Zapp replied "Silence! We will accept no more decoys." He holds up a headshot of the single female lawyer. "This is the McNeal." "Wait, I know her!" Fry spoke "You do not, you big fat liar." Leela replied "You don't know anyone. All you do is watch TV." "That's where I know her from. She's Jenny McNeal. She was a character on a TV show back in the 20th century, Single Female Lawyer." "Well if they're hoping to see a TV show that hasn't existed for a thousand years, pft, they are royally boned." Bender said. "We will raise your planet's temperature by one million degrees a day," Lrrr spoke "for five days, unless we see McNeal at 9pm tomorrow -- 8 central!" The staff gasp. "I'm beginning to think there'll be no forced mating at all." Farnsworth said in disappointment. Lrrr's ship saucer hovered above New New York. In the Meeting Room, The entire staff are assembled around the table, though Leela paces around. "They're going to destroy the entire Earth if they don't see some stupid TV show about some bimbo lawyer!?" Leela asked "It's crazy!" Fry added "How could they even know about a show from a thousand years ago?" "Well, Omicron Persei 8 is about a thousand light years away." Farnsworth answered "So the electro-magnetic waves would just recently have gotten there. You see- "Magic. Got it." Interrupts a bored Fry. Leela types 'single female lawyer' into a search engine and a page pops up. "Check this out:" She said "Back in 1999 the season finale of Single Female Lawyer was interrupted by technical problems. Apparently some zidiot spilled Coke on the transmitter." "Beer-- I would think." Derpy gave him a stern look. "Did you have something to do with it?" she asked. "Uh..." Derpy punches him in the nads "They must just wanna see that episode." Bender said as he steals Fry's wallet while he's on the ground. "Let's find a tape and give it to 'em." Leela searches some more. "There aren't any copies left." She said. "Not even Netflix?" Derpy asked. More typing. "Lost." "Hulu?" "Nope." "Amazon Fire!?" "... Come in next month." "DAMMIT!!!" "Y'know, I saw the first 30 seconds of that episode." Fry said "If I could make up an ending, maybe we could act it out ourselves." "I could make the costumes." Zoidberg spoke, cutting some material with his claw. "I have an old five-megawatt broadcasting tower in the attic." Farnsworth spoke "And I, I could be an acting coach!" Bender added with an accent. whizzing his hand around. "Let's put on a show!" Fry spoke. "Followed by an unnecessary sequel or spin-off series?" Derpy asked, holding out some papers. The ship was been moved to make way for a courtroom set. Hermes and Farnsworth make some last-minute perfections to the set, Bender arranges things on the defendant's table and Zoidberg wheels a rail loaded with frilly clothes past Fry, Leela, Derpy, and Amy. Fry sits on a chair with the script. "OK, Leela," Fry began "you'll be starring as Jenny-" "Uh-uh, forget it!" She interrupted "A, I'm camera shy; and B, I get tongue tied in front of an audience armed with death rays." "Plus, you don't really have the thighs for a miniskirt." Amy- having finally gotten inside and found a tarp to cover her nudity -added. Leela glared and looked about to say something- "I'll take it!" Derpy spoke, snatching it from Fry. Seeing her chance taken away, Leela instead gets another idea...and makes a quick change to the script while no one's looking... "Places, everyone!" Fry spoke as Bender puts the finishing touches to Derpy's make-up. She is dressed in a green suit and high heels. "OK ... all set!" She said. Derpy held a mirror. "...I feel so professional!" She said. She turned and wheeled out the heads of the backstreet boys. "Ready guys!?" "To live, yes." the leader spoke. "Lights!" Fry spoke. Bender opens his chest cabinet and a bright studio light shines from it. "Camera one!" Bender's right eye extends and whirrs. "Camera two!" Bender's left eye extends and whirrs. "Camera three!" Something whirrs in Bender's head but nothing- above his chest - moves. He held up some crudely written cue cards. "♫ Single Female Lawyer, Fighting for her client, Wearing sexy miniskirts, And being self-reliant.♫ Hey, I'm pretty good!" Farnsworth is the judge, Zoidberg is the prosecutor and Derpy is the defendant. Farnsworth and Derpy held their scripts. "Uh... Jenny McNeal," Farnsworth read. "you are charged with jury-tampering in last week's case ... on account of your hot, naked affair with the foreman....please present exhibit A?" He reads that las bit confused Leela suddenly pushes out a naked Amy in front of the camera, yanking off her cover. "HEY!" Shouts Amy mortified as she's now naked on LIVE TV, with the words 'Exhibit A' somehow tattooed on her shapely rear. Uh...I guees Amy is the foreman? Ah, who cares I love this!" Shouts the profesor happily as he resumes reading the script. "How do you plead?" Derpy wipes off the nosebleed, stood up and looks at her script. "Your Honor, I move for a mistrial, on the grounds that I'm also having a hot, naked affair with the foreman of this jury." Amy and Hermes sit in the jury box with ten cardboard people. Hermes waves. "I'll see you during the recess! This is so wrong, on so many levels..." He said sexually but uncomfortable. "Your witness, Prosecutor Ramirez." Farnsworth spoke "Gracias." Zoidberg replied. He stood up with his script behind him and walks over to the witness box where Derpy sat. "Single Female Lawyer, where were you on the night of August 23rd?" "Sleeping with you." Derpy replied, though now disgusted "Aha!" He jabs his claw in her mane and pulls out a muffin. He sniffs it and eats it. Derpy leafs through the script in a panic. "Uh, g-- uh, getting back to the, uh, matter, uh-uh, if it please the court... Fry, there's nothing else here. You only wrote two pages of dialogue." "Well, it took an hour to write." He replied "I thought it would take an hour to read." "What are we supposed to do now?" " I don't know, I don't know. Just say anything. As long as it's compelling, mesmerising, a tour de force." "Uh..." "What say you, Single Female Lawyer?" Farnsworth read "I say ... I'm giving up the law." She stood up "I'm now a professional dancer!" Everyone gasped. The sprinkler system went off, soaking everyone, and music played. She lip synced and danced to the music playing and sung by the Backstreet boys. Lrrr cuts onto the TV, he now has a black eye and has his wife glaring at him while drinking from a water cooler behind him. "Attention, McNeal. We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen. Overall- he hesitantly looks at his wife who taps a rolling pin in her hands threateningly, he sighs and continues - I would rate it a C+, OK, not great. As a result, we will not destroy your planet. But neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality." "Way to overact, Zoidberg!" Derpy yelled His wife hands Lrr a note which he reluctantly reads. "Also we just want you to know that the 'C+' rating was DEFINITELY because of the 'random naked chick', had you not included that sexist and offensive thing. We must assuredly would've ranked you higher. Be sure to remember that in the future! His wife smiles and nods at him. "Lousy woman, always keeping the porn-hungry man down." Grumbled Bender. "HEAR-HEAR!" Exclaims Derpy, equally annoyed. And now we must return to our planet, to catch the end of a thousand-year-old Leno monologue." He sweeps his cape over him and runs offscreen. The Omicronian saucers fly away and people come out from hiding. The crew watch and cheer. "You did it, Fry!" Bender cheered "Yep." Fry replied, turning on the TV and sitting down on the couch, putting his feet up on the table. "It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: At the end of the episode, everything's always right back to normal." Derpy rested next to him, calling on a cellphone. "Well, I just got a deal for a new show on Netflix!" She announced. "I guess we'll binge watch until then." Author's Note I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... AN: THIS STORY WAS ADOPTED WITH PERMISSION FROM MrAquino. I strongly recommend his work! ... ANNOUNCEMENT! I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED! SUMMARY: On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?! The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble. ... https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963 Above is a link to amazon for my book https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966 Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 Above is a link to Xilbris for my book https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373 Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/ Above is a link to my Linkedin account https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/ Above is a link to my Tumblr account https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90 Above is a link to my facebook account https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2 Above is a link to my Patreon account ....... If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911 ... AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account Love me, flame me, review me
