Most Definitely Thugs

by Onyourleft

Rating: everyone
Tags: Mystery, Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2066

This is a robbery. Sort of.

Two gentlemen.

One target.

An angry mare.

And an even more enraged vigilante.

Yes, this is a robbery. We are indeed thugs, and will be taking your belongings. Good day.

Published 2021-01-13 15:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-01-13 15:10:00 UTC

Not Fancy. We're Thugs.

Most Definitely Thugs

Written By: Onyourleft

Edited By: ArthurPaige

-

-

“Our target remains in place,” whispered a fashionable stallion.

“It does indeed. Perhaps the time has arisen for our glorious entrance into the world of crime,” responded a fancy unicorn.

“Indubitably so my good friend. Not an hour will pass before the glorious treasure is ours!” The grey earth pony removed his top hat and whipped his neat and shortcut mane out of his face. He then proceeded to smack his cane onto the hard ground. His unicorn companion simply straightened his suit and matching black top hat, brushing off non-existent dust.

“Well. Go on then. Take it.” The earth pony gave his taller white friend a nudge, creating a crease in the unicorn’s suit.

“Well, now you’ve done it! My suit was in prime condition, and now it is no better than that of the peasantry!” The green maned unicorn took out his monocle and thoroughly examined the practically invisible crease. He ruffled his suit and tie a little, till he appeared satisfied. He shot his shorter friend an indignant frown before pointing a dainty hoof at their target.

“Why don’t you go and grab it? This heist was your idea anyway.” The unicorn gave a frustrated sigh. It had been a long day. He had taken a train to Ponyville, not in first-class mind you, for numerous hours. Then he trekked from Ponyville all the way to this penurious apple farm, getting his hooves all dirty and his suit covered in dust. And now, his comrade had the audacity to demand he purloin the object.

“I would take it myself, but it appears as if my height would put me at a disadvantage. You also would not need to touch the filthy thing. Your magic would levitate it in the air.” The earth pony allowed himself a victorious sneer. His logical approach would sway his friend, of that he was certain.

“Oh bother. You and your silly machinations have caused far too much trouble already. This minor theft could land me in prison I tell you.” The unicorn turned his glare away from his friend and moved it back to the apple tree. It was so close, yet so catastrophically far. The two well-dressed stallions stood on the dirt road, staring blankly at the tree. Any passing pony would have been more than confuzzled at the strange picture.

“Do it.”

“No, you do it.”

“No, you!”

“I don’t want to get my hooves dirty, and I can’t bloody reach it anyway!”

“You're a confounded fool, you know that. This won’t make us feel any younger.”

“Not with that attitude it won’t.”

“I will not be subject to such ill-conceived ridicule.”

“Well, I never!”

“Are you in confidence that this is even what the young lads and lassies are up to these days?”

“Of course I am! You believe I would embark us upon some foolhardy quest if I wasn’t sure?”

“Yes. I do in fact.”

“Just pick the apple damn it!”

“No, you pick the bloody apple!”

“Uhh, can I help you, fellas?” Applejack stood not five feet away from the two quarrelling stallions, her left eyebrow raised in amusement. The two looked at one another, eyes widening in surprise, before turning to address the orange mare.

“Err, no. We do not seem to require your assistance at this time.” The white unicorn stated, his tone changing to haughty by the second half of the sentence. “Yes. We are quite alright. If you would allow us some space, we may conduct our business.” He gave the mare a once over. She was strong and beautiful, that was easily apparent. But judging by her Stetson hat, and muscular build… she was definitely the farmer they were hoping to avoid. The unicorn subconsciously straightened his own hat and gave his friend time to intervene.

“Indeed, we do have business to conduct, peasant. So please move yourself along.” The grey earth pony gave Applejack a look of obvious disgust before turning back towards his friend.

“Well, this happens to be my family’s farm. So if you have any sort of business to discuss, it would be with me.” She gave the two nervous and shuffling stallions a stone-cold glare. “So ya might wanna treat me and with some more respect.” She took a couple of menacing steps forward until she was up in their face. Her nostrils let out a hot snort of frustration, causing the two stallions to cringe away.

“Well madam, we happen to be in the middle of robbing your farm. So you should be the one treating us with more respect.” With that utterance, the grey earth pony pulled a revolver from his purse and held it to Applejack’s head. It was a grave mistake. Within the span of two seconds, Applejack knocked the gun out of the stallion's hoof, swept out his legs, and jumped atop of him.

“Dear lord! Whatever did you do that for?!” The unicorn exclaimed, leaping away from the seething farmer.

“I did it because this darn moron drew a gun on me!” Applejack had no trouble keeping the groaning earth pony pinned.

“Well, I hope you are content with your violent outburst! Because his suit is ruined!” The generally distressed unicorn threw his hooves in the air, attempting for dramatic effect. This only pushed Applejack farther towards the edge.

“You’ve both got a lotta nerve trying to rob the Apple Family. We don’t even have that many bits! What could you possibly wanna steal from us?” She aimed her query at the still rigid unicorn, awarding his cowardice with her strongest and most intimidating gaze. She didn’t like the rich ponies all that much in general, so when two of their most moronic arrived at her farm in a crazed attempt at a ‘robbery’… that made her livid.

“It’s an apple farm. What remains to be seen, is what we could steal besides the obvious answer.” The unicorn gave a slow roll of his eyes, losing his fear amidst his general annoyance. When the farmer didn’t answer he sighed in defeat. “We were going to steal an apple of course!”

Applejack didn’t know what was worse. The fact that they were trying to rob her, or the fact that all they wanted to steal was a single apple. Her facehoof dripped with exasperation. What a day. She would have given them ten apples for free, if only they had asked. For some reason, she could still see that situation turning into somewhat of a disaster.

“I would have given you the apple for free, if you asked! I can’t understand why you had to go and attempt to steal one.” Applejack felt her hooves shaking and remembered the pinned stallion below her. She uttered a short curse before leaping off his back. He was no danger to her without his weapon, or with the weapon, either way.

“Peh! Finally some civility! Your filthy hooves were soiling my suit! And it was already in a state of disrepair.” The earth pony trudged over to his friend, an indignant and furious expression written across his face. “Now. If you do not leave this instant! Then my friend will blast you into oblivion and steal the apple off of your flank! Get the picture!” His dramatic anger and incredibly rude outburst was the last straw.

“Now listen here, you lowlifes. Nopony talks to me that way and gets away with it. If you don’t leave my farm in the next five seconds, I will pound both of you into the dirt and have Big Mac plow over your graves!” She slammed a single hoof into an adjacent tree, causing every apple to fall and the ground to shake.

At this point, the two stallions were fearing for their lives. So they couldn’t move. Applejack began a charge forward, attempting to knock the thieves off their hooves, but today was not her lucky day. The panicking unicorn shot off a powerful stun spell in a mad panic and accidentally hit the attacking mare. The two continued to shield their faces for some time before they realized they were still alive.

“Ah-ha! We have won!”

“Of course we won!”

“Like you knew. She was on top of you till about ten seconds past.”

“As if a mare could hold me in place. Balderdash I tell you.”

“Either way. We have done it! Our first robbery.”

“Not yet. You still have neglected to nab the apple.”

“You are a piece of work. You are lucky I humor your crazy endeavors.”

The still shaking unicorn wobbled up to the apple tree and nabbed the apple from its perch on high. He smiled like a buffoon and flashed it in the air like a trophy. His first robbery, hurrah.

“Ha ha! I feel younger already. Let us run into the distance, lest the guards catch us.” The dynamic duo raced off, their previously fine suits waving in the rushing wind. The grey stallion almost lost his top hat and cane in the mad rush of adrenaline.

“We are thugs! Criminals I tell you! Born for the streets and raised wild. Ha ha!” The two middle-aged morons ran for about two minutes before completely slowing to a sad trot. Thugs indeed, all the way to their iron core.

“Yep. It’s the whole truth. One blasted apple.” Applejack glanced over to Pinkie Pie, who was giving her a strange head tilt.

“He threatened to take the apple off your flank? That’s not something you should say to anypony, especially a mare.” Pinkie had changed her tone to threatening, and it chilled Applejack to the core.

“They only stole one apple. I’m not happy about any of it, but it’s also not worth fussing over.” She adjusted her Stetson and took a deep sip of her drink. Pinkie ignored her friend and glared at her own cup, plotting something beyond crazy. Her heinous crime would be tactful, stylish, and oh so buttery smooth. Pinkie didn’t like when other ponies made her friends angry, or called them names, or robbed them. One apple was one too many.

Pinkie drained her own drink and then proceeded to smash the cup on the ground. Applejack practically hit the ceiling with her confused jump.

“Pinkie! What in the name of…” She was cut off when she realized her pink friend had disappeared. Applejack bolted out of the café and into the street. Sure enough, on a hill on the horizon, a vague cloaked form could be seen cocking a shotgun and tipping their western style hat. Pinkie Pie was out for blood, and she would stop at nothing to take back what was rightfully… Applejack’s.

Applejack had seen many things from Pinkie, but this was something else. She toyed with the thought of alerting the authorities but turned it down. Pinkie wouldn’t do anything too crazy, right?

“That’s all that was left?” The detective asked, lowering his spyglass.

“Yup. Nothing but a crushed top hat and half of a cane.” A mare officer replied.

“Hmm. We will have to look into it. Nopony just disappears like that.” The detective continued to examine the crime scene, meticulously searching for any clues. In all his years he had never seen anything quite like this. No sign of struggle, no bodily remains, such as a tuft of mane or hoof marks, and nopony had heard or seen anything. This was unfolding to be quite the case.

The pegasus continued his look over. No doubt the officers had missed something. A criminal with this much skill would have left a trademark. He looked under floorboards, inside vents, under window frames... and then he found it. The trademark of one of the most legendary vigilantes of all time… a single pink cupcake.

The detective felt his body shrivel and attempted to hide in his own skin. The legendary Pink Terror had not been seen in years. He ruffled his wings and closed his eyes, but sure enough, when they opened again, the mark was still there. He gave an immense shivering sigh and thought about the poor victims who had unleashed such wrath upon themselves. Celestia rest their souls. Hopefully whatever they had done was worth it.

Author's Note

Oh dear, I am considering a sequel. :facehoof: