No Pants, No Shoes, Or No Service
You might have heard that Twilight Sparkle and her friends no longer hold the Elements of Harmony. Some ponies say the Elements had to go back to the forest. Some ponies say the Elements are hidden deep in a secret cave. Some creatures even say the Elements insisted on being given to new Bearers, and now the ultimate power is held by griffons, or dragons, or seaponies.
I can't tell you where the Elements are now hidden. Or if I could tell, I probably wouldn't. Some secrets should be kept secret. But I can tell you why the Elements had to leave their former Bearers.
***
"Hold it right there, you!" the security guard said. "You can't come into the bank wearing pants!"
Rarity turned to gaze into the mustached pony's mirror-finish sunglasses. "Surely you must be joking. Good fashion is an important part of a good lifestyle. Even my hayseed friend Applejack has a very nice hat that she wears everywhere."
The guard looked around suspiciously. "Where is this so-called hayseed Applejack? Is she a security threat too?"
Rarity rolled her eyes. When the guard saw her eyes rotate upwards, he scanned the ceiling for danger. He spoke into a hoof-held radio, "Check the roof! Somepony might be up there! Do it now!"
Rarity raised her muzzle and lowered her eyelashes scornfully at the guard. "If anypony's up there, this is the first I'VE heard of it."
"So YOU say," the guard barked out. "But I'm taking no chances."
"Seriously," Rarity said, "Can you give me one good reason for this no-pants policy?"
The security guard said, "What's the first thing you think when you see somepony wearing a mask?"
Rarity sniffed. "When I see a pony wearing a mask, it usually means I'm attending a masquerade ball."
"When a pony wears a mask," the guard said, "it means that pony is trying to hide their identity. And when a pony is trying to hide their identity, it probably means they're up to no good!"
"Or," Rarity interjected, "they might be Mare-Do-Well, secret hero and benefactor to thousands of ponies."
The security guard said, "Likely story. But I'll bet on theft every time. So take your pants off like a regular pony and show your cutie mark. Or get out of the bank."
After about a minute and some wardrobe dishevelment, Rarity was sitting on the sidewalk in front of the bank. "You are NOT GENTLEPONIES!" she shouted angrily, as the guards retreated back inside.
***
One morning a few days later, across the street from the bank, a red-mustached yellow pony wearing a chef's hat, apron, and chef's jacket arrived, pushing a carrot dog cart. The chef's cutie mark was a pair of carrot dogs.
The ponies who tried out the new vendor's food agreed that although the carrots themselves weren't exceptional, they were well-dressed with excellent toppings, and very convenient. Over the next week, nearly everypony who worked in the bank and in several other office buildings ate at least one carrot dog. Some local ponies became repeat customers. It seemed the chef had discovered a winning formula for making bits: good enough food in the right location. Everypony who worked in the neighborhood got used to the sight of the red-mustached chef hoofing over carrot dogs for bits. The only odd thing about the chef was, he was quite the opposite of talkative. It was hard to get a word out of him.
One morning, the chef closed up the carrot dog cart and crossed the street to the bank. The mustached pony walked inside, and was greeted by the guards who worked there. One asked, "Will you open up again for lunch? I know some ponies are looking forward to getting a quick bite."
The chef nodded, and got in line to see a teller.
When the other customers had been helped, the chef hoofed a small bag over to the teller. The teller opened the bag. With a bang, a dense blizzard of confetti filled the air.
The chef threw more confetti bombs and vaulted the counter. Hidden by a rain of confetti, the chef ran into the back of the bank, while more confetti bombs exploded all over the place, some immediately after being thrown, others on fuses with different delays.
By the time the air was clear enough for the guards to pursue the chef, he was long gone. Because a fire alarm was sounding, the bank employees guessed that the chef had escaped through a fire exit.
By the time anypony thought to check for the carrot dog cart, it too was gone.
***
In a meeting room, the bank's executives and board members sat around a large oak table. At the head of the table sat the president of the board, a gray-maned mare named Oversight Watchmare. "Pinchpenny," she said, "Can you explain what happened to this bank in the last month?" It was not a friendly question.
Pinchpenny, a blue stallion wearing a collar and tie, gestured with a forehoof as he spoke. "We have been the victim of a dastardly and fiendish scheme!" he exclaimed.
Another board member, a bowtie-wearing red stallion, said, "I understand that the bank was robbed last week."
Pinchpenny could not resist a bit of bitter sarcasm. "DO you?" Pinchpenny said. "DO you understand that?"
Oversight Watchmare said, "I fail to take your meaning, Pinchpenny. Please explain it."
Pinchpenny said, "I've had every employee searching through the bank to find out what is missing. Checking that everything is where it's supposed to be. Would you like to know what is missing?"
"Yes," Oversight said. "What is missing?"
Pinchpenny said, "So far as we can tell, nothing."
The board member who'd brought up the robbery said, "Somepony cased the bank for at least a week, pulled off a successful robbery, and you're telling me nothing is missing?"
"Yes," Pinchpenny said. "That's exactly what I'm telling you."
Oversight Watchmare said, "Perhaps this alleged bank robbery was merely a prank. Or maybe the thief couldn't find what he wanted. Or when the thief got into the back of the bank, he might have lost his nerve and decided to run away immediately. There are three possible explanations right there."
Oversight slapped the table with a hoof. "As far as I'm concerned, this robbery plot is a distraction from more important matters. Pinchpenny, I hear the bank is having trouble balancing its accounts for this month."
Pinchpenny went pale. "I'm sure we'll get to the bottom of it. It is only a minor discrepancy."
Oversight said sternly, "A discrepancy is a discrepancy. Not only the reputation of this bank, but the integrity of this bank, depends utterly on our ability to keep proper records. If a pony deposits a bit into this bank, that pony has the right to withdraw that same bit whenever they need it. With any earned interest."
"Oversight Watchmare," Pinchpenny said, "our discrepancy is not much over a thousand bits. I don't like it, but as a percentage of the money we are managing--"
"I don't care about excuses," Oversight said. "For some ponies a thousand bits is all the money they have, and they worked hard for it. We have no right to lose that thousand bits for them, or worse yet, to forget that we owe it to them."
"Yes, Mare'm," Pinchpenny said.
The bowtie-wearing board member said, "One of the employees told me the bank has received an interesting letter."
Pinchpenny coughed nervously. "Anypony can send a silly letter. It doesn't mean anything."
The stallion pulled a document out of a briefcase, and laid it on the center of the table. The letter was a large piece of cheap paper, to which words and letters cut out of magazines had been pasted.
Pinchpenny said, "I would be more impressed if it at least had some pieces of macaroni glued to it too."
A few ponies laughed or chuckled.
Oversight took the letter and read it. "Dear Bank, would you like to know what the bank robber stole? If you would like to know, please and thank you are always a good policy."
Pinchpenny said, "A real ransom note or blackmail letter would at least tell us what the criminal wants. But this one doesn't tell us what we're supposed to hoof over, and it doesn't tell us how to deliver it."
Glad Hooves was the customer service manager. She raised her hoof. "Maybe this letter tells us exactly what the thief wants."
"Please explain," Oversight said.
"The letter says, please and thank you are always a good policy. Maybe the thief thinks our bank has treated him rudely. Maybe the thief thinks we need to change our policies to be more polite."
Pinchpenny said, "Criminals are rude. They don't care about politeness."
"Maybe I'm just seeing this from the perspective of a customer service manager," she said. "But I think everypony appreciates politeness. I would like to have training sessions to emphasize to all our employees the importance of courtesy. And after those sessions, I'd like to put up a high window display, that says, please and thank you. Maybe the robber will see we're trying to engage with him. Maybe then we'll receive a letter that's more helpful and informative."
Pinchpenny said, "Maybe the robber won't care in the least. I doubt the robber had anything to do with this foalish art project of a letter."
Oversight said, "Customer service manager Glad Hooves has given us the first constructive suggestion of this meeting. Pinchpenny, please let Glad Hooves proceed with her plan as quickly as she can."
Pinchpenny nodded. "Please do so, Glad Hooves."
"Yes, Mare'm and Sir."
***
Next week, Glad Hooves carried out her plan. She taught duplicate training classes so that everypony could attend, no matter what the pony's schedule was. She even insisted on including every security guard. "Ponies associate the guards with our bank," she said. "We should all try to make a good impression."
A few weeks later, Rarity visited the bank again, to get change for a hundred-bit bill. This time, she had not dyed her fur, disguised her face's shape with cosmetics or prosthetics, sewn and put on a clever costume, or even put on a false mustache. She was just her regular self, wearing a beautiful dress.
The security guard was extremely polite. He apologized profusely for asking Rarity to show her cutie mark before entering the bank.
"I hope you understand," he explained, "there's been a lot of trouble with bank robbers. Last month, there was a robbery right here in Manehattan."
"Oh my," Rarity said, holding a hoof to her forehead, "I hope the thief didn't take everypony's deposits."
The guard said, "What I hear is, because of the bank's many security measures, the thief got less than two thousand bits."
"I can only be glad it wasn't more," Rarity remarked. With her horn's telekinesis, she grabbed part of her dress' hem, and moved it to expose her cutie mark for a moment. "Is that good enough?"
The guard nodded. "Yes, Mare'm. Thank you for helping fight these bank robbers. We've got to do our best to protect everypony's deposits."
"I don't doubt it," Rarity replied, and she walked into the bank.
***
"So," Applejack asked, "How was your latest trip to Manehattan?"
"Applejack," Rarity said, "I hope you know that I respect you and your honesty."
"Okay," Applejack said. "Glad to hear that."
"Before I can tell you how my trip was, I need you to Pinkie promise that you won't reveal what I tell you to anypony. To anycreature at all. That you won't even tell a tree."
Applejack looked like she'd just bitten into a sour pear. "If Ah've got to make that kind of promise, do I even want to know?"
"I will tell you one thing, to help you decide whether to make that promise." Rarity said. "I did mislead some ponies for a time. But I did not steal any tangible thing. And when I was done, if I'd taken anything, I returned it with interest."
"With interest," Applejack said. "Rares, did you rob a bank?"
Rarity laughed with a note of artificiality. "Darling, maybe you know me all too well. Or maybe I've just given you a false clue as bait, and you bit like a fish on a hook."
"Okay," Applejack said. "Ah guess Ah've got to know. Ah promise not to spill your secret."
First, Rarity told the story of how she had visited a bank in Manehattan, and the security guards had been very rude to her.
"What inspired my idea," Rarity explained, "was when the security guard argued with me about clothing and masks. He said he would bet on theft every time. And he really did! He kept treating everypony like a criminal."
Applejack nodded. "Shame how some New Yoke ponies get so cynical."
"So," Rarity remarked, "I thought to myself, I can get away with nearly anything at this bank, as long as I take advantage of the assumption that everypony is a thief."
Applejack laughed. "So, how do you take advantage of that?"
"Simple," Rarity replied. "I staged a bank robbery, but I didn't steal anything. Instead, I left some extra bits."
"So this is taking advantage?"
"I may have cultivated a little birdie or two who tell me some of what goes on in that bank," Rarity said. "When there was a bank robbery, by all accounts successful, the first thing they had to do was work out what was missing. And they couldn't figure it out. It drove everypony just about crazy."
Applejack snorted. "Ah suppose it would."
"But also," Rarity said, "it strikes at the most fundamental value of a bank."
"Ah woulda thought you could strike at the most fundamental value of the bank by takin' some of its valuable bits. Not that Ah would recommend theft. Just sayin'."
"The most fundamental value of a bank isn't that it HAS bits. The most fundamental value of a bank is that it knows to whom it owes bits, and who owes bits to it, and exactly how much. And anypony to whom it owes bits, it pays back in full.
"If a robber steals some bits, there's insurance for that, or at least the bank can try to cope with it honestly. But if the bank can't even account for how many bits it has and why it has them? THAT'S a real problem."
Applejack turned a bit greenish. "Makin' somepony honest think that they're dishonest..that's not nice."
Rarity admitted, "I know. Maybe I shouldn't have done it. But you know what else isn't nice? Insulting a mare, scuffling with her, ripping her clothing, and throwing her out into the street, just because she's wearing pants. That's another thing that isn't nice."
Applejack shook her head. "It still doesn't sound exactly fair."
Rarity said, "After the bank adopted its new 'please and thank you' policy, I sent a second anonymous letter explaining exactly what I'd done, and apologizing for being so harsh with them. I also asked them to donate the extra bits to a good cause."
"That last part was nice, Ah guess," Applejack said. "But you put them through a lot of sweat and tears for a few extra bits. Ah don't know as Ah can rightly approve."
Rarity sat up extra-straight, looking as harsh and cold as a freshly slapped griffoness.
Rarity said grimly, "If you tear a lady's pants or blouse through intentional rudeness and disrespect? You should expect somepony to make you shed some tears of your own. That's just how it works."
"Well, then," Applejack said. "That explains it."
"Explains what?" Rarity asked.
"Don't tell me you ain't felt it. Lately the Elements have been a mite...funny. They don't like us the way they used to. Like maybe they want to go someplace else than with us. Maybe they want to go back to the forest. Or to somepony else."
"Oh, Applejack!" Rarity tittered. "What in Equestria are you talking about?"
"Ah'm not jokin', Rarity. The way you gave that bank those extra bits, and drove everypony out of their heads with worry for weeks and weeks...it ain't right. You know it ain't right."
"That bank deserved it!"
"Maybe they did, by your lights. They did wrong by you, and you got back at them. But that's not how the Element Bearers are supposed to work. We're supposed to be better than that.
"Even that one time when you kept usin' that Inspiration Manifestation spell, and you got yerself possessed by evil magic? At least you were TRYIN' to be generous. You were TRYIN' to help ponies. But this time with the bank was different. You weren't even tryin' to help. You used a cruel, fake kind of 'generosity' to hurt them.
"You're supposed to be the Bearer of Generosity. But you took generosity, and what you did, you turned it into somethin' wrong. What some ponies would call a perversion."
Rarity sniffled. "You wouldn't understand. You wouldn't care if you had to go around naked all the time. You wouldn't care if clothes were illegal!"
"If clothes were illegal, Ah'd feel for you, Rares. Ah really would. But Ah wouldn't go TRYIN' to turn honesty into somethin' mean and nasty in a big way. At least Ah hope Ah wouldn't."
Rarity blew her nose. "So what do we do? How can we fix it?"
"Ah reckon there ain't nothin' we can do, ourselves. We just have to trust in the Elements of Harmony. They'll find a way to do what's right. Even if we've failed them."
Rarity cried. "I did love being a Bearer. Helping to make Equestria a better place. It meant a lot to me."
Applejack put a forehoof on Rarity's withers, hugging her. "Ah know, Rares. Ah know."
Author's Note
I was glad to be able to copy the name "New Yoke" from FanOfMostEverything's "One Last Job". It's a good heist story that has almost nothing in common with this one.
(As usual, my author's note is directly after my 1000+ words of story, in a place where it will be included even if you download this story from fimfiction.net as a text file.)
