The idle chatter of shoppers filled the Crystal Mall as two teenagers sat in silence. The conversations that floated around them ranged from mildly interesting to surprisingly mundane and boring, it was as if every conversation was nothing more than improvised background noise for them to ignore as they enjoyed their Saturday together.
Flash Sentry barely paid any attention to the other mall-shoppers that walked through the food-court, he was too busy getting lost in his thoughts as he stared at his girlfriend. She was absolutely beautiful, a painting that was made with the tears of angels, a poem that leapt off of the pages in his diary and entered the real world, she was everything Flash had ever wanted and more. Sure, she had a few problems, such as a nasty temper and a distasteful ego, but aside from those little issues, she was perfect. She could have told him that the world was ending and that his dog had just married a cat, and he’d still get lost in the sweet serenade of words that passed her beautiful lips.
“We should break up,” Sunset Shimmer said casually as she sipped her Boba tea. Like every other sentence she spoke, it came off as a melody that.. ... …
...Flash suddenly felt his fantasies die as his brain replayed the words in his head. He quickly sobered up from his love-struck glee and sent a prayer that he misheard her.
“Um… What did you say?” Flash asked, prompting Sunset to look up from her beverage.
“We should break up,” Sunset repeated easily, as if each syllable didn't send a knife into Flash's heart.
“B... But why? Was it something I did, did I say something wrong, I—” Flash was suddenly interrupted by Sunset as she placed her hand on top of his. Her warm touch always had the ability to send shivers down his spine whenever they held hand before, and he couldn’t find the right words to say as she stared into her sympathetic eyes.
“Flash, it’s not you… It’s what you’re not,” Sunset explained.
“… What?”
“You’re a really great guy, but… We’re just not right for each other. I mean, yeah, we’re both popular at school, and we both love music, but recently it feels like you’re… Like you’re just there. I’m the one who carries the conversations, I choose what movies we see, I plan our dates. I need someone who can be more authoritative, someone who can do more than just go along with whatever I say. I’m sorry Flash, but you’re just not the type of person I need in my life right now.”
“B-but I could!” Flash argued with a glimmer of misplaced hope glazing over his words. “I can change, I can be better and put more effort in! Just tell me what you want, Sunset, we can make it better together,” he pleaded as he grasped her hand and held it firmly.
“Flash, that’s the problem. I can’t tell you what I want you to do, I’m… I become this control freak if people don’t do exactly as I tell them, because… I just don’t feel like I can trust them. I always feel like I could do the job better alone, without any of them to step on my tail as I work, and I ended up treating you the same way. It’s not a healthy relationship, my boyfriend taught me that.”
“Wait. But, I’m your boyfriend.”
“Aaaaand that’s the second reason why I’m dumping you…” Sunset elaborated as she took her hand out of his. “I found someone else,” she admitted.
Despite the ambiance of dull conversations in the food court, Flash felt like the world fell silent at her admission.
“Have… You were cheating on me?” Flash asked. His surprise quickly gave way to a wave of anger as he looked at Sunset with a growing glare.
“No! Well… We aren’t dating yet, but… Flash, I’m really sorry, we just met one day and… Well, one thing led to another and… We’re kind of living together?”
“Wait, what?! Since when have you been living with them?”
“Um… A few weeks. Look, it wasn’t supposed to mean anything! I just went to the hardware store and we… We just kind of clicked. He needed a place to stay and I… I thought I could manipulate him to help me later,” she admitted with genuine shame lacing her words. “He helped me out a lot recently. I was talking to him about my problems and he offered some really good advice. I never realized just how… toxic I was to other people, and it felt really good to have someone to talk to about it. He even helped me make a few friends at school too! He introduced me to this one girl, Wallflower, and we're going on a double date next week.”
“So, you’re dating someone you just met, and living with them? Do you have any idea how irresponsible that is?! What if he does something to hurt y—”
“He wouldn’t do that!” Sunset interrupted loudly, calming the lull of conversations in the food court for only a moment before her glare convinced them all to ignore her. After everyone’s attention was away from her once more, she took a calming breath a recited a personal mantra.
“Flash, I’m sorry for yelling at you. I know that you were just worried about me, but I’m fine. He’s a really great guy and I trust him. He’s actually here if you want to meet him.”
“You invited him to our break up?” Flash asked incredulously.
“I thought it would make it easier for both of us,” she explained as she picked up her backpack off of the floor and placed it on the table before unzipping it.
Flash wasn’t sure what he was expecting to see her pull out of it, but he certainly wasn’t expecting a wooden plank with a crudely drawn face on it.
“Flash, this is Plank. Plank, this is who I’ve been telling you about,” Sunset introduced, holding up the wooden board next to her so that it was looking at Flash.
“… Hehheheheh. Ah~. Good one, Sunset, you actually had me there. Ah man, I really thought you were breaking up with me,” Flash shrugged off, pretending not to be hurt by her really dark humor.
Sunset wasn’t laughing.
“It’s not a joke, Flash. This is my new boyfriend, Plank 2x4,” She explained. “He was visiting family here when he decided to move to Canterlot. We met at a Home Depot and we started talking a bit, then we found out that we had a lot in common and… Well, like I said earlier, we just clicked.”
Flash’s smile began to wane at Sunset’s serious expression, and completely fell when she turned to stare at the board with a loving gaze that Flash had only seen in his sweetest dreams.
“Uh-huh… Oh, okay, right. Plank said that he hopes you’re too upset about this,” Sunset told him.
“… Plank talks to you…”
“Well yeah, part of having a healthy relationship is good communication.”
“But… BUT HE’S A WOODEN BOARD!” Flash argued loudly, grabbing the attention of a few bored shoppers who turned to stare at him.
“No, Wooden Board is his cousin. Plank is just Plank,” she said plainly.
Flash felt the raging urge to yell again but was stopped when Sunset suddenly held up a finger to him as she turned to the wooden board.
“Uh-huh… Uh-huh… Okay,” she said to herself before turning back to Flash, “Plank wanted to to ask you not to raise your voice, we don’t want this to be a scene.”
“… I can't believe this... Are you dumping me, FOR A PLANK OF WOOD?!”
“Flash, please, people are starting to stare!” Sunset quietly begged.
“Yeah, they're staring because apparently my girlfriend needs to be institutionalized! Seriously, Sunset, have you lost your mind?” Flash asked as he stood up and pointed at the board. “You’re talking to a plank of wood!”
“Because I love him, Flash!” Sunset shot back, drawing more attention as she stood up as well. “He’s the greatest guy I’ve ever known, and he’s been helping me. I didn’t mean to fall in love with him, it just happened and I’m happy it did.”
“It’s a termite’s dinner platter!” Flash argued loudly as his blood started to burn with rage.
“You take that back you little—" Sunset began to yell back, before she turned back to the wooden board that was propped up against Sunset’s backpack.
The crowd watching them all fell silent as their eyes fell on the wooden board. Flash stared at the suddenly mesmerized crowd, unaware of the tears trailing dow Sunset’s face as she stared at Plank. When Flash finally looked back at Sunset, he saw her pick up the wooden board and give it a kiss, causing the crowd to break out into a loud applause as Flash’s brain struggled to figure out what was happening.
When Sunset broke off her one sided kiss with the wooden board, she stared deeply into his crayon drawn eyes and wrapped her arms around the plank.
“You’re right, Plank, I love you so much. Flash, I really am sorry about all of this. I hope we could still be friends after this,” she said before walking away to the tune of a crowd’s applause as she cradled Plank proudly and lovingly.
The crowd returned to their own little worlds, apparently not questioning a single thing that had just happened between Flash and his, as of then, crazy Ex-Girlfriend.
“Fucking crazy bitch,” Flash bitterly muttered to himself as he sat back down to finish off his food. He wasn’t prepared for the plank of wood that was suddenly flying through the air to smash him in the face.
Author's Note
Flash got Birch slapped.
I made this because I noticed that the Sunset Shimmer Shipping group had a inanimate objects folder. I thought, "hey, wouldn't it be funny if I was the only story in that folder?" Now, I am the only story in that folder! 
And I finally wrote a crack fic, so that's off the bucket list now.
