Something Something I Love You

by smakleapp

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Profanity, Discord, Slice of Life, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Romance
Length: 7942

A story about the events leading up to Hearts and Hooves Day. Told by our favorite asshole.

Everything is very exciting. Hearts and Hooves Day is coming up, and love is supposedly in the air. What Buckets of fun. Love, betrayal, sadness. Most likely a lot of lying, because Discord. So good luck.

Published 2021-01-21 01:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-02-23 00:10:28 UTC

A Magical Atmosphere Or Some Shit

Applejack brushed off the sweat hanging above her brow, as she turned and bucked a tree. A horde of apples piled into the strategically placed basket.

Plop! Plop! Plop!

“Whoooo Weee!” Applejack stood there, admiring her work. She was decently far away from the barn, bucking every apple tree that dared bare that forbidden fruit.

She looked up at the sky, where she saw the sun beginning to set. “Aw shucks! Gosh, darn sun gots ta’ go down now?” The prospect of working late crossed her mind. Wouldn't be the last time she stayed up late to finish some extra work. She liked it, the night work. The day was too noisy, even during this late afternoon. Night, all it was her and the trees. Save for the few cicada or so.

That thought process was halted by two special words. “SUPPERS READY!” Those words made Applejack almost flutter in the air. Delicious dinner was, as she liked to joke, the apple of her eye. She did love to jest.

She took one last look to admire the work she had done and quickly ran to the barn. “COMING GRANNY!” she yelled. Celestia forbids if she missed dinner, or worse...let it get cold. She shivered at the thought.

It did not take long for the apple bucking pony to reach the porch, smiling up at her beautiful...Filthy Rich?

The old business stallion stood alongside Granny Smith, who was wobbling more than Sweetie Bell’s eggs. Her special ingredient: not knowing how to cook.

Applejack slid to a stop, almost tripping over the porch step and falling flat on her face. Luckily, she was able to avoid that travesty, instead awkwardly sitting down with a false smile. Filthy Rich was not dinner. Therefore, he did not deserve the real smile.

Filthy Rich, not one to jest, simply stared at the pony. “Don’t smile at me like that. I have a wife. I might be tempted.” Applejack breathed out and stood on all four hooves. She never knew how to address Filthy. Besides that ridiculous name, Applejack felt an intimidating aura around him. Therefore, she said some things she would never, ever, EVER say. Such as this.

“Well darn’ tootin, eh...partner! Me an the...family! Family! Was having... supper. Which is dinner, but, uh...ya know, we get fancy with it an change the name. Adds spice to it, doncha' think? Spice! Like our Apple Spice!” She gave a plastic smile, hoping Filthy Rich didn’t throw up in his mouth.

As a matter of fact, he didn’t throw up in his mouth. Instead, he did nothing. Classic Filthy Rich, that guy. Always has the wackiest reactions.

“Uh-huh. Flattering. Anyway, Ms. Apple (I think), I was just leaving. We were just discussing doubling your output for the next month.”

Applejacks mouth gaped open. “D-double? Why, Mr. Rich! Doncha' know you've already been pushing us? Doubling our output, why...our bones will break!”

Glare.

“Ms. Apple, it is Hearts and Hooves Day in a month. As such, besides chocolate, booze is needed for the poor souls who are lonely.” He then muttered something. “Wait until they marry a bitch as I did.” Quickly he talked over himself, believing he successfully hid his complaining. “Anyway, partners of mine need farms of yours to get extra work done.”

Applejack stammered. “With all due respect, it’ll kill us! Ya gotta tell your partners to-”

“What?” spat Filthy Rich. “To get you a rattle? When it comes to business, Ms. Apple, I don’t play around.” He now stood in front of Applejack, face only a short ways from hers. “If your gonna shit yourself, might as well get some diapers.” And with that, he began to trot away.

Applejack gawked at him. “Granny! You can’t be ok with this! You gotta tell him-”

“Applejack, ya silly goose, why doncha' ask him yourself?” AJ simply stared at her elderly grandmother.

“Granny, he left.”

Her eyes widened, as she turned to look at the empty space behind her.

“Oh. Since when?”

“Like a minute ago Granny.”

“Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

AJ face hooved. “Because he just left.” She knew that Granny’s mind was beginning to wander, but this was ridiculous. If she didn't know any better, she would have thought Granny did this on purpose.

Stare. Stare. Stare. “I don’ think that’s right,” she said matter of factly, as she turned to go inside the house.

AJ chuckled, shaking her head. “This family,” she whispered, as she started for the door. Before she entered, however, she gazed up at the sky. For no particular reason, she told herself. She stayed like that for a minute or so, and eventually, and reluctantly I might add, went inside.

~

Like a good friend of mine once said: “It ain’t easy being cheezy.” Now, that was after a stand up comedy act he partook in left him covered in chili cheese nachos, but I digress. Being the Lord of Chaos is really demanding. It really is! I mean, sure, I could make teacups dance, make houses be mouses, and dye sweaters different colors. That last one is really for Fluttershy.

Anyway, it so happens that my literary mind started picking at me. Who was I to disagree? I mean, I could have, but these last few weeks were just too good! So, me being dedicated to you all, you yous, I've decided to burden myself with retelling these events as accurately as they have happened. Why? Cause, l o v e. Also, I’m bored. Now, letsa go!

~

Twilight Sparkle. Stupid name. Anyway, dear old Twilight was looking at books. I didn’t even have to look back at this one. I mean, cmon. It’s obvious. Anyway, she was sorting through books as the day came to a close. A real slobber knocker of a good time.

“Ok, so if the Magic Enclyopdia goes here, then that means that Magic Fragments should go here.” She all of a sudden had a eureka moment. “AH! BUT WAIT! I HAVE MAGIC FALSE BELIEFS HERE!” She giggled at catching that very foolish mistake. Foolish indeed. “So I have to put this after-”

“DARLING, IT’S SIMPLY D R E A D F U L!” a very fancy-ass voice exclaimed. Who else but Rarity walked into the library. Due to this sudden arrival, Twilight dropped the books on her stup- I mean silly head. Seriously, she’s been here for three fricking years, you would think she would be accustomed to Rarities shit.

Whew. Breathe. Unbiased.

“Rarity, what in the hay are you doing here?” asked a disgruntled Twilight, secretly thanking Celestia that only four books fell off the shelf, knowing exactly where they were before.

“Why, Twilight it’s just-”

“Horrible. I know. I get it. Why is it so horrible?” Twilight asked in a disgruntled tone. Oh shoot. I used that already. Hold on…okay, let's see here. Uhhh...ooohhh! Testy! *Ahem*

“Horrible. I know. I get it. Why is it so horrible?” Twilight asked in a TESTY tone.

“Why Twilight,” exclaimed Rarity, “Hearts and Hooves Day is coming in a month! And I want to do something special for a very special pony!”

“And why do you need my help?” Twilight asked in an annoyed tone. Rarity pawed at the ground, looking everywhere but at Twilight.

“Well darling, I didn’t know any other mares who could accommodate my needs this...early.”

Starrrrreeeeeeeeee.

Twilight sighed. “Fine. I got a bunch of index cards filled with fun ideas.” She looked at Rarity with surprisingly serious eyes. “They’re not for me. So take as much as you want.” Rarity looked alarmed at first at Twilights’ depressing statement. However, not one to look a gift horse in the mouth (literally), Rarity soon smiled a thank you.

“SPIIKKEEE,” Twilight called to the upstairs part of the treehouse. “Get the index cards off the desk, and bring them down, please. Around ten or so.”

Silence.

Silence.

Then…

“I’m sleeping. Do it yourself.” Twilight rolled her eyes and glanced at Rarity for approval. The white pony nodded with a smile.

“It’s for Ra-”

In a green blur, “HI RARITY! HERE ARE THOSE INDEX CARDS YOU WANT! I GOT YOU 20 OF THOSE THINGS! JUST FOR YOU! HALF OF THOSE I MADE MYSELF SO YOU KNOW...use those,” he shyly finished.

Rarity stared at Spike. Stared. Then…

“Spikey Wikey!” she said with more emotion than any face should be physically able to hold. “Thank you so much! I don’t know what I would do without you!” She comically put her hooves on her hips.

“Heh...no problem,” said the loser. Whoops. I meant the starstruck lover. Boom. That'll get your drawers wet.

“Well, I best be going now,” Rarity stated, as she flipped through the index cards. They started off simple enough. Go to an Amusement Park, Avoid Pinkie, Go to Karaoke, Avoid Pinkie, Have A Picnic, not with Muffins because of Derpy. And of course, the telltale classic, Avoid Pinkie. The last few got much more specific. Have a Crystal Party, Kiss the Assistant Challenge, Avoid Pinkie (for good measure), Assistant Appreciation Day, Kiss Every Dragon You Know, and then, Kiss Spike. Dashing.

Twilight mouthed the words Sorry to her best friend, who waved a hoof to indicate the fun nature. Cause they're so much fun! Such a fun group of well defined, stupid ponies! Ahem. My bad, Fluttershy had to take that dumbass rabbit to the vet, so I didn't get my tea. Oh well.

The alicorn watched her friend walk out of the library, who was swinging her hips back and forth.

“You embarrassed me,” Twilight informed Spike, as she swiftly whacked him, dumping his body in the river. At least I wished that's what had happened. Spike probably just went back to sleep, and Twilight went back to being a dumbass- I mean a smart, aspiring Princess.

I don’t care really. Why? Because I get to talk about the best thing in the world next.

A Conversation That Honestly, Makes Me Angry

The sunset caused a golden glow to befall the town. Ponies of all kinds quickly said their goodbyes, preparing to retire for the evening. The day was finally ending, as night would take over, bringing dreams and fantasies to all.

See? I could write. Damn, look at me go! What is life? Look at me being philosophical! *Ahem*.

The state of the sky was Rainbow Dash’s favorite. She loved the way the sun glistened off her wings. The way the hot, dense air turned cool and refreshing. The way the stars seemed to be on one half of the sky, the other a radiating yellow. (Wooo! Look at me go!). Today was rather joyless, with Rainbow doing the mundane weather work. Sure, it was kinda fun, but overall, she wished for more excitement. And to get that, she decided to go to Fluttershy’s cabin. Don’t know the thought process there.

So here she comes, like a blue rat, knocking on the goddess’s door. Now, although it’s not really my story, let me just fill you in on something. I’ve had many friends over the millennials I’ve been alive. And by friends, I mean acquaintances. Ponies or creatures I didn’t want to entirely blast off into space. For the longest time, that’s how I expected life to be. So, when I met Fluttershy, well… Nobody. Touches. Fluttershy. Well, enough about me! Let’s get to the blue rat.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

She pounded on the door exceptionally hard. After the fourth knock, the door opened up slightly for a pink mane to come into view. “Oh, Rainbow!”

Rat smiled. “Hey, Flutters. Can I come in?” Then, she added very secretly, ”Is he here?”

Fluttershy smiled sheepishly. “No, he isn't. You can come in.” Absolute goddess. Better than the one we actually have.

Rainbow headed into the cottage, a big smile on her face. Kinda annoying, but ok. What did the cottage look like? Most likely pure heaven. She has a couch, a table, some paintings...I don't know, it looks like a cottage.

Rainbow sat down on the couch, smiling up at her friend. She obviously needed to let off some steam. Fluttershy retreated into the kitchen to get a cup of tea for herself, and a glass of OJ for the marechild. She nodded as the glass was handed to her.

Fluttershy took a seat across from Rainbow, and the two just smiled at each other. Let themselves bask in their warmth.

“So,” Fluttershy said finally, “what do you want to talk about?”

Rainbow grinned. “I’m glad you asked Flutters-”

Not her name.

“So you know how Hearts and Hooves Day is coming soon?”

“Yup, I sure do! A lot of the animals are gearing up to celebrate their loved ones. Truly a great holiday, don’t you think?” Fluttershy smiled as she sipped her tea. Angels. Beautiful angels.

Dash looked away. “Yeah...I guess. Well, I’m not asking for any of that!”

“Right.”

“You know, I’m here for somepony else!”

“But of course.”

“Some other schmuck in love!”

“Understood.” Fluttershy gave a little smirk, causing Rainbow to utterly melt.

“Ok, as long as we cleared that up,” Rainbow nodded. “The problem is that I don't have a crush., and being the first Hearts and Hooves Day Twilights an alicorn…”

“Rainbow, that doesn’t mean anything. You don’t need to feel pressured to find a date just because something big happened! That’s not how love works!” Fluttershy squeed in delight as she took another sip of her tea.

Dash twiddled her hooves. “Yeah, but what if I’m...uh…”

Fluttershy traded her gleeful look for one of concern. “Alone?”

“AH!-” Rainbow sputtered back. “Now I-I never s-said that! My awesomeness is enough company!”

“Mmmhmm…”

“But, if there was a feeling close to that, I guess that’s what I would be feeling right now.”

Fluttershy smiled lightly, placing her tea down. “Rainbow, I think it’s great if you have a natural crush!”

Dash blushed intensely. Like real intense. Trust me when I say it. I had my fair share of walk-ins in my day and age. Ruby-red.

“Wait, really? I shouldn’t ignore it?”

“Oh heavens no! If it truly is natural, why, go for it! Take it slow, and as long as nothing is forced,” a hoof landed on Rainbow’s shoulder, “it should be fine!”

“Really?”

A yellow body enveloped herself around Rainbow, causing her to be silent. There were so many questions Rainbow wanted to ask, but the beauty of Fluttershy is that a simple hug told a thousand words. It said, “It’ll be okay.” *Sniff*. It’s just so beautiful!

Ahem.

The two eventually said their goodbyes, exchanging hugs and I love yous. Making me very jealous. Now, after watching a lot of Daytime Crystv, I want to try something.

LITTLE DOES RAINBOW KNOW THAT THINGS WILL GET MUCH MORE COMPLICATED. WILL SPIKE GET A LIFE? WILL TWILIGHT BE LONELY AGAIN FOR THE 10TH YEAR IN A ROW? WILL RARITY NOT BE SUCH A BITCH? WILL I DRAG OUT APPLEJACKS LOVE INTEREST? FIND OUT ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF I don't know what I'm calling it. Eh, who cares.

Check the Ryme

It was night time, and all went to sleep. The couples joined together in a heap. Nowadays sleep has become a treat, filled with comfort and heat.

A purple pony settles down in her chair, her mind usually going everywhere. But now it seems that at this time of day, she sacrifices that to hit the hay. And adjacent is Spike, a product of machinations, a symbol of strength throughout the nation. The little owl sits on his perch, let’s see who falls in love first.

Now we have Ms. Apple, sleeping peacefully, aided by the efforts of her family. To all her efforts, her spirit is shown. So why is it that she is so alone? That big one too, he sure is red, but he’s consumed by all the thoughts inside his head. Most of the time he stays so quiet, especially against one of yellow and violet. That little one too, her ideas are fun. She likes to help and she likes to run. Her friend group is well known throughout the town, but when she gets called names, she can't do anything but frown. Why you might ask, and that answer is not easy to seek. Another one wants to apologize, but unfortunately, she too weak.

Now that blue one, she’s oh so fast. But lately, she finds herself stuck in the past. She tries to escape the thoughts in her head, but when she’s sleeping, those dreams are filled with dread. Racing and flying by a sense of impurity, nopony respecting her, despite the seniority. Being left in the dust, called Rainbow Crash. Wants to confess, but it would be easier to dash.

That brings us to the lovely Fluttershy, one adored by many, but strangely cries. I miss her and love her, but I’ll soon find out, what true love really is all about. She sleeps so soundly, her dreams so calm. She’s miserable, however, by not expressing her qualms. She sits in bed, sweating through her palms, moving under the sheets in an attempt to stay warm.

The musicians, those two, live by their own creations. They live together as well, fueled by everybody’s praises. Those feeling’s inside they seem to burn, and the earth and unicorn, their desires churn. But they won't say anything, not even a murmur, for they are afraid their friendship will go to the burner.

Back on track, to one of the six. We have the beautiful Rarity, who has many picks. She knows it, she does, she finds it quite well, but she fails to realize it’s actual hell. Many nights her bed is filled with one, absent of the flirting, moving, and fun. She fools herself, she does, by saying shell wait for her time, but it might have passed, she will soon find. That little one too, with Bell for the name. Along with her friends, she is given shame. She wants to leave, sometimes she feels insane, perhaps there is another, who also plays this game.

That pink, oh boy! She is filled with oh so much joy. Wind her up, stand back, watch her act like a toy. A fool, a jester, a joke, a laughing stock. But she’s stuck in a prism, one without any clock. She stares at her friend, look at her speeds! But she fears she will always be the crazy, funny, random Pinkie.

That orange filly has been through so much. Left alone, lost in the dust. She is afraid of her friendship's longevity, as well as her feelings on sexuality. Coming of age, all seem to understand, so she wonders why nopony would help her stand. She loves all and she hates none, but if she cant hold somepony, what's her life's sum?

The lye plays softly, its sounds are low but strong. They're played for the sweet baker, who could listen for so long. Say something, you might say, begging for a resolve. However, that is a puzzle nopony could solve.

Because all of these situations are mixed up with jungle vines. Their wacky, curvy, and you way gets hard to find. Although the actions seem easy, sometimes they really do! The choices that lead to those decisions are something they would never do. Their thoughts, limitations, and own thought structures, often lead to simple solutions to go to the gutters. The drama, the action, should be avoided, who cares! These fill the minds of all stallions and mares.

For when you've been around as long as I have been, you will start to see. Because of us, simple things could get messy. The ships, the hopes, everything we hold dear, sometimes we chant these out with no fear. But the point, I suppose, is something I will tell all. Before you can love, you need to lose it all.

It's a Gray World

Wow, look at me being a poet!

Anyway, at around two, Pinkie got up and made her way to the train station. Spike also woke up only a little while later. Why?

He had to take a tinkle.

As he began making his way down to the restroom to relieve himself of nightime potties, he noticed there was a letter that seemed to be pushed underneath the door. And...it was pink.

“Oh shit.” Spike facehooved-wait, no that’s not right. Loser face slapped himself rather hard, him being a dumbass and everything.

Anyway, he first went to wizz, cause when you gotta go, you just gotta go.

Then he came back with little enthusiasm to rip open the letter, which was filled with confetti and small balloons. Loser didn’t even flinch. He quickly scanned the letter, making him smile.

“Oh man, poor Twi.” He continued giggling to himself like a giggling idiot as he made his way upstairs. Did I mention I don't care for that dragon?

~

Twilight was in Candy Land, walking around the Sugar Plum Forest. There she saw Celestia, sitting on a candy cane throne. She was eating Shining Armor, who looked candied. So, Twilight walked over there, looking at her sexy mentor. I MEAN a very stupid and silly mentor. Yeah...how do you erase this shit?

Anyway, she got up close when Celestia turned to her with a smile.

“Princess! Crazy finding you out he-”

“WAKE UP SLEEPY HEAD! PINKIE SENT YOU A LETTER!”

Twilight jerked herself awake, bonking her head with Spike’s. Loser fell to the ground, clutching his forehead. Dumbass.

“Ow, Twilight, what in Tartarus was that?”

Twilight looked bewildered. “What was tha- boy, you woke me up! What do you mean what was that?”

“Owwwww…”

Twilight angrily picked up the letter off of the floor and took the letter out of the ripped envelope.

Dear Friends

It’s me. Pinkie! You know that, cause you my friends. See! We so comfortable with each other, I dont need use grammar. Ha! Family over for holiday. I want you to meet! YAYAYAYAYAYAYYA WE WILL HAVE SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From Pinkie, but you knew that cause I said it already.

P.S- Maude told me I forgot to tell you where to meet. So it’s in front of Sugarcube Corner, early in mourning. Cause then we get whole day to spend together! YAYAYAYAYAYAYA!!!

“So what’d it say?”

Twilights voice started to rise in unsteadiness. Is that a word? I dont even know. “She wants us to meet her family.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah! Which is crummy!"

"Why?"

"I’m not ready to socialize Spike, not at this hour! I need to-” Twilight stopped talking. “Why are you pushing me?”

“Because,” Spike said between puffs, “there isn't time for you to freak out!”

BAM! SLAM! WAM! Wow, these onamotopias are fun! SWOOSH! BOOSH! ALAKAZAM!

Twilight tumbled her way down the stairs, and before she could even recover, she was out the door, on her flank with a messed up mane, still clutching the letter.

SLAM! So fun!

“Wait, Spike! I need to-”

“No!” Spike yelled behind the slammed door. “There isn’t any time for your freakouts. Just frigging go and be yourself!” And with that, Loser left.

It was kinda stupid, to be honest. She should have brushed her teeth, take a shower, brush her previously mentioned mane. But nooooo, force her out of the house. Sheesh, what a prick. We definitely won't become friends later on.

Twilight let herself fall to the floor, trying to weakly open the locked door, Sure she could have teleported inside or something, but she knew Spike was right. Plus, she was insanely tired. And thank gosh, cause I really dont feel like writing a freakout scene. Sure, I’m an immortal chaotic god, but...shut up.

Twilight finally began to make her way to Sugarcube Corner, trying to fix her mane on the way there.

When she finally made it, she found all of her friends waiting outside. Now mind you, it was freezing in the morning, so all were hugging themselves, fighting for warmth.

Fluttershy was the first to see Twilight. “Oh, h-hey T-Twilight!”

“Hey, Fluttershy!” Obviously, the cold did not affect Twilight yet.

“You look awful.”

Ouch, that hurt Twilight right in the feels. Gonna need a band-aid for that one. “Well, Fluttershy, I’ll have you know I was woken up at this very early time to fall down my stairs, and be put out in this increasingly cold place.” Her voice was filled with the tone of not giving two bits. Cause she was tired. Didn't know if you could infer that.

“Twilight, I-I dont m-mean to be r-rude, but I would think that you would be u-used to waking up early.”

“IT IS STILL DARK OUT!”

Oh yeah, it was 4:30. Probably should have mentioned that. Fluttershy turned away shyly, which signaled to Twilight to stop being a bitch.

“Ok, ok, I’m sorry Fluttershy. It’s just really early. You know how it is.”

“This? This ain't nuthin’!” Of course here was Applejack, always that one pony who thinks they can do everything you can’t cause it’s nothing. I guess that means I’m that one pony, but I could do most of everything, and also I’m not a pony. So that’s a whoopsie.

Twilight shook her head and sat down in front of the establishment with her friends. Rainbow was flying in the air during this time, while Rarity was too busy trying not to fall asleep to say anything.

Twilight looked around her friends, confused as to what to do. At five, Twilight began to get up. “Girls, are we supposed to kn-”

Before she could ask her question, the door flew open, and a pink blur tackled the purple alicorn. “HIGIRLSMYFAMILYISHEREYOUWILLBESUCHGOODFRIENDSOHMYGOSH!!!!”

Twilight needed a minute before she could talk, and when she did, the air was sucked out by Pinkie, who needed the breath to shout once more.

“TWILIGHT, ARE YOU EXCITED?”

Twilight gasped for a breath, only for it to be taken away again.

“YOUR GONNA LOVE THEM! THEY ARE THE BEST!”

“Um, darling?” Rarity tapped Pinkie’s shoulder with a hoof. “I think she’s going to die if you keep yelling in her face.”

The face of happiness turned to one of depression. “NO!!!! IF SHE DOES THAT, THEN SHE CANT MEET MY FAMILY!”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “And that would be a tragedy.”

Now Pinkie was on top of Rainbow.

“YES! IT WOULD!” Not wishing to repeat old mistakes, Pinkie quickly got off of Rainbow, patting Dash's mane as she got up. Rainbow, however, didn’t get up, wheezing from the blast of pink she just took. A couple of inches away, Twilight gradually got up, muttering something about breath being sweet.

Once all pony's respiratory systems began to work again, Pinkie declared, “Family! Come out!”

Now, from Pinkie, you would think they would be lively and brightly colored. But, guess what...you know this. They knew this. Ok? Sorry for trying to raise suspense. They were all gray and brown, and nopony was surprised. See? Truth. Anway's the Ma, Pa, and sisters came out, three sisters that it is.

One gave a shy look, trying to remain hidden behind her petite hoof. Another one bore a scowl, like she had better things to do. If Fluttershy wasn’t there, I would say she did. And another one shared the look of her parents. One of complete neutrality.

Stare.

Pinkie’s eyes went back and forth between the two groups, obviously wanting another pony to make a move. The scowling one began.

“Hey! Why don’t you say something?” she yelled. The other residents were already woken up by Pinkie, so that ship has basically sailed.

This aggressive tone broke the veil of awkwardness. Instead, Rainbow stepped forth, baring a scowl to match with Pinkie’s sister. “Hey, numbnuts! You didn’t say anything either!”

They were face-to-face now.

“I didn’t have to, birdbrain! We are the guests!”

“Well, we dont have to be nice to mean guests!”

“I'm only being mean cause you DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING!”

The two started growling when a rock was pushed up against their faces. They recoiled in mild pain, as a gray earth pony stood there with a blank expression.

“Quiet,” she yelled. Ok, so she didn’t yell, but pretend she did. “Pinkie is getting upset.” She pointed toward the pink pony, who was just standing there with wide eyes. However, she soon realized her sister’s genius plan, and immediately broke out into fake crying.

Scowler gave an eye roll. That’s not her name, but I thought it was cool. Scowler. You know what? Imma make a new dog called Scowler. But, to be funny, I’ll give him a permenant smile. Actually...no. That would be creepy. It would be called Smile Dog then.

Why do I feel like taking a picture of it and releasing it to a wide market to scare people? Eh, maybe later.

“All right all right.” She walked up to Rainbow and shook her hoof, and addressed all. “I'm Limestone. The one with the rock is Maude. And the one trying to eat herself is Marble.”

Hungry Hungry Marble shrunk up even more, squeaking to say hi. “And this is Ma and Pa.”

The two parents both shook their hooves simultaneously. “Please, call me Igneous.”

“And call me Cloudy.”

If anypony was going to say anything, it sure was not Rainbow. Her mouth was agape at the sudden tone change. The whole family made their way off the porch, standing a few feet away from Pinkie’s friends. Rainbow slowly flew back to her group, mouth never closing. And who better to friendship than the princess of it! Grammar!

“Hi, I’m Twilight-”

“Yeah, we know who you guys are. Sis wouldn’t shut up about ya.” Limestone glared at her colorful sibling, who was standing between the two groups. “Seriously sis, we got off the train at three! And we were forced to do this thing? Your lucky Maude had a week off of school!”

Maude nodded.

“Aww, Limey-”

“Don’t call me that.”

“We will have so much fun! I promise!”

She sighed and looked at the rest of the rock family. They seemed actually excited for social interaction, although they barely showed it. They hired another pony to take care of the farm when they left. They saw very few ponies where they are from, and they were interested in Pinkie's new friends. Friends who saved the world, brought even more joy to a joyus pony, and who turned a handsome bachelor to stone. I just thought that last point needed to be mentioned.

“Alright, alright. You said there was a farmer?”

Stare at Applejack.

“Oh u-uh, y-yeah! That’ll be me!” she stammered.

Glare. (Expect a lot of looks from these guys.)

“Well, show me it.”

With no other choice, Applejack begrudganly walked Pinkie's sister to the farm. At five in the mourning. Talk about comedic.

Silence. Then, good ol’ Marble was next.

“Marby, you should hang out with Fluttershy and Rarity! They are the sweetest ponies I know!”

And then there were three. This was an easy process of elimination.

"Maude, wanna talk with the new princess!"

"Nod," Maude said.

Twilight was taken back. "Did she just say 'nod'?"

Pinkie shrugged. "IdontknowGOODBYE!!!!!"

When they were gone, Rainbow and Pinkie's parents were left. So...

"Rainbow! My parents want to see you fly! Right guy's?"

Nod.

With a grunt, Rainbow led them to a valley underneath the small sky to see her tricks.

So where will this go? I know. You dont. AHH! The difference in knowledge is so exciting! I can make up anything I want. The problem is that when I get imagining, things get weird. Just ask Celestia. I have been told by Fluttershy that when things get too weird, ponies get turned off. And I want you to get turned on. Yes, I meant it how you think I meant it. So buckle up, and get ready. Because I have to write a lot for you guys. Yay!

P.S.: Trust me, there is some juicy romance coming up. I made sure of it.

Everyponies Talking At Me

“So, um...what do you wanna see?”

“I dunno.”

“Do you wanna see some magic?”

“Maybe”

“What about a levitation spell?”

“Sounds neat.”

Silence.

“Uh...yeah, um how about we, I dont know…”

“Get something to eat?”

The alicorn stared at her new acquaintance with wide eyes. “Uhh, I dont know anything open this early.”

“Oh.”

“...”

“...”

“...soo...I got a dragon.”

“Cool.” Twilight awkwardly looked around when Maude just stared ahead at Twi.

“Do you wanna see him?”

“Yes.”

“Okkkkkkkkk....”

The two mares made their way upstairs to the bedroom, where Twilight immediately realised her mistake. A messy bed.

“Oh no! I’ll fix this-”

A gray hoof went in front of Twilight’s face, shaking up and down. “Okk, nevermind I guess.” See, Twilight is one of those idiots that get attached very easily, but she also somehow never builds any confidence up to ask any mare out. So here is a prime example of this stupid mentality in action. Twilight then pointed over to a small bed on the ground, filled with a chubby loser.

“Wow, so cute.” She was elated, as I’m sure you can tell.

“Yeah, I got him when I was a little filly during a test of magic. Ever since then, he's been like a little brother to me. Crazy, right?”

Maude shook her head. “No. Me and Boulder have the same thing.” When she held up her rock, Twilight recognized it as the pebble that broke up the fight. It should be Bouncer, not Boulder. She struggled to hide her laugh at her frankly stupid joke.

“Twilight, what shall we do now?”

Twilight snapped out of her daze for a second to stare at her new...friend? She didn’t really what Maude would be considered as, but she sure did not mind her company. “Um, I dont know really.” A forced chuckle.

So yeah, nothing was really happening. And yeah, I could write the whole convo between her and Maude, but it was just one-word answers for basically two hours. The most notable thing that happened was them going back downstairs to sit and talk while being boring.

It was around seven when Twilight yawned.

“Are you tired?”

Twilight waved her hoof in dismissal and smiled. “A bit, but I know I won't be able to go back to sleep later. So, you know…” A chuckle. She is doing a lot of that lately.

The princess looked at the clock and gasped in delight. “Ahh! Piggy Diner is open now! We can go get omelets if you want!”

The grey pony nodded, her face never changing, and with that, the two were off. As they made their way out of the library, Twilight had one though: I’m going to make her my friend.

~

My literary genius side has picked at me for a while now. I finally decided to write because I felt an actual inclination to. When your entire existence in life is to fuck with ponies without any stop for eternity, it’s hard to live a normal life where you can enjoy little things. And I used to be down with that, I really was. I loved making Ponies walk on their heads, make cats be bats, and the sky into a coloring book.

But you know when your playing with little cousins, and you are the bad guy? Yeah, it’s fun being a prick sometimes, but the problem is that you know you can be somepony they can look up to. I had the chance to be a great hero, and for a while I was. In fact, I had the life. I was dating the freaking princess, led my army of Chaoticans, and I was known as a world power. Then, my kind was wiped out. A lot of chaos energy in a close spot...we should have known better.

Anyway, enough about me. I know nopony cares about that, heh. But, um, I was basically saying that I always thought being bad was the right way to go. Then, during that second duration, I met the real sense of evil. And now, well, let’s just say, I was never going to end up like him.

When I was brought back for a second chance, I took it, and now, all I want is to be normal. As chaotic normal as possible of course. So basically, without the whole sob story, love is something that runs through all. It took me so long to remember that. Thank goodness it didn’t take these gal’s nearly as long.

Eggs Bacon Grits SAUSAGE

Maude and Twilight sat across each other on a booth, both sipping their small cups of coffee. They began to feel more comfortable with each other now, with the awkwardness becoming a comforting silence.

Both ordered western omelets, with extra red peppers. Both also ordered coffee with six creams and six sugars. They were more alike than any of them realized. Kinda hilarious if you think about it.

“So um, Maude, I heard that you go to school?” Maude finished her long sip of coffee, placed it on the table, and blankly stared at Twilight.

“Yes. I go to Canterlot University for a Geology diploma.”

“Mmmm! Sounds interesting Maude!” Twilight said with too much enthusiasm.

“It is.” Sip. “Surprising how similar rocks are to ponies, you know?” That sounded like some enthusiasm was put into it. There wasn’t.

Twilight gave a look of confusion. “No, I guess I never made the connection.” She didn’t need to ask Maude to clarify.

“Rocks are almost stationary, and the only time they move forward is when they get eroded.” She continued in her droning voice, which seemed a lot less droning to Twilight. “Sedimentary is made up of tiny broken pieces of rock. Crazy huh?” She sounded very shocked and exaggerated. “If you think about it, we could connect with the fact of only moving when changing, and becoming something new through your broken pieces.”

“...huh,” said Twilight dumbly. It made more sense as she thought about it, and she giggled to herself.

“What’s funny Twilight?”

“Oh, nothing.” She took a sip of her coffee. “I didn’t expect for that to make sense. So, what job are you trying to get into.”

“That’s a sore spot.”

“Oh? I dont want to intrude.”

“It’s fine.” I can't believe this was monotone. “My family wants me to work the rock farm, like my other sisters. Instead, I want to travel north.”

Twilight looked quizically at Maude. “Like, to the Crystal Empire?”

Maude nodded. “Crystals fascinate me almost as much as rocks, and I’m sure Boulder would love to see his relatives.” Boulder was positively brimming with excitement. “They have an excursion team signing up for next year. You need a diploma, like the one I’m getting this year. I hope I can get on that team by then.” She took her final sip of coffee, then continued. “My parents don’t want that at all. Too dangerous, even for rocks. Pinkie wants me to come to Ponyville, live down here, become her assistant, settle down with a stallion so she could be an aunt.”

Twilight giggled, and Maude reciprocated with a grunt. A friendly one, I promise. “You object to that because it would keep you grounded?”

Maude shook her head, which caused Twilight to feel a little anger over her joke getting ignored. “Well, partially that, and also cause I’m gay.”

Twilight did a spit take, and coffee overflowed her dinner plater. Another grunt, followed by the sound of wheezing. “Hack! Sorry, that just came out of nowhere!”

Maude stared blankly at her, still making that wheezing sound. “Out and proud. Yay.” Twilight snorted at that extra cheer at the end.

The waitress finally brought over the eggs, which were humongous and filled with cholesterol. I could eat that cause I’m immortal. Diabetes is the least of my problems. Not so sure about our ponies though. They’re going to get fat, like...uh...I can’t think of anything witty.

The two now ate in silence, reveling in the eggs extra seasoning. See, I usually like eating ponies instead of those eggs, but hey, whatever floats your boat. And I’m joking by the way. I haven’t done that in, like, two millennia.

“So Twilight,” Maude said with much enthusiasm, “how is a princess going?”

“Hmmf mfff pfftt ptooie hmyydis!” Twilight said while possessing a large amount of egg and toast in her mouth. She swallowed to repeat. Woah. That sounded like I was taking this story somewhere else…

“It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be, honestly. The only new thing is that everypony now kinda greets me in a more royal matter. That, and I get called down to the castle more. Not too much of a difference since I got called down there quite a bit before, but you know....” She giggled nervously.

“Hopefully your still happy thought.”

“Yeah, it’s almost the same as before, so I’m pretty happy, yeah!”

When they got out of the restaurant, instead of going separate ways, they went back to the library together.

Yeah, bet that made you excited! They became friends and boom. Socialization. However, the others didn’t go that well...

My Name Is Vinyl Scratch, And Welcome To Jackass

“Unhand me you fool!”

Octavia was inside the small bedroom of the house, manhandled by her roommate, Vinyl Scratch. She was attempting to perform a maneuver, one that Octavia is not a fan of. It’s hilarious though. Freaking uproaring. But it made Octavia mad, so I dont know, guess you can’t do it.

“Tavi, cmon, it’s so cute. Stop moving.”

Octavia, defiantly, did not stop thrashing about.

“Ruffian! No good hoodlum! I have a date later today. I can’t deal with this idiotic behavior any longer!” She expected that very kind comment to force herself from Vinyl’s embrace.

“Now now, that’s not very nice. Cmon Octy, only for a couple of seconds…”

“NOOOOO!”

Vinyl forced her eyes to meet with her own, baring a smirk. “Imma do it.” In a moment of both anger and confusion, Octavia stopped moving. That would be her downfall. Surging forward with the power of a yak, Vinyl dropped Octavia on her back, giving out an “oooh” as she took the tumble. That’s not even the best part.

“Ahhh! You dummy!”

Vinyl snickered as she looked down onto the fallen Octavia. “You dummy? Say dumbass!”

Octavia shook her stubborn head. “I refuse. Even in this situation, I will not utter a curs-MOTHERFCKER!” Vinyl began to rub the angry mare’s belly. This may shock you, but I too am a fan of belly rubs. They are a simple delight in the chaotic world I live in. It's gentle, enjoyable, and rush-inducing. Octavia, however, believed it was out of teasing spirit. She was correct.

“Oh, that sounds like a curse.”

“Well of course-SHTAAAAPPPPPP!”

“Have you fallen and can’t get up?” And then here is the joke. You see, I actually like this musician pony. Some might say this is a mean joke. It’s good fun, that’s what it is.

Octavia reached her hooves out but failed. She shook back and forth, but her body basically steadied itself. She picked up the front half of the body, only to gain no leverage. In short terms, she was stuck.

“GAHHH! Vinyl, you imbecile! Pick me up!” She flailed all four hooves wildly in the air, hoping that might make a change. That instead made her super cute. I ain’t ashamed to admit it. Vinyl shook her head at the struggling earth pony.

“Octy, you said you were done with blind dates after the last three stood you up. So what happened girl.”

Octavia huffed. “I will not be interrogated by a monster such as yourself!”

“Ok,” Vinyl said in a deadpan tone as she began to walk out of the room, smirking.

Octavias face, however, was not smirking. Her body turned all the way towards the door, before being forced to her previous position. Her face became one of panic.

“VINYL! WAITTTTT!”

The unicorn turned back to the fallen-and-unable-to-get-up pony with a face of fake interest. “Hm?”

“I uh-will cancel the date! Yes!” A nervous laugh.”He is probably in need of a shower! Or something…”

Stare…

Finally, the white mare moved her way towards the fallen one. “Cmon Octy. You keep getting hurt by random guys. You got to look out for this shit.”

“I know,” Octavia sighed, her thrashing limbs dying down. “It’s just, love is easier to look for. I don’t feel like waiting for it.”

“Yeah, well you can’t be too vulnerable. You’ll get hurt.” She began to help Octavia up, and put her on all fours again. A shame. It was freaking hilarious. The stuck up bi-

The endearing aristocrat shook the non-existent dust off of herself. She wished not to get dirty. “Thanks, Vinyl. It was a good call, from a better friend.”

“No problem Octy.” The two embraced for a solid moment. Ok, copy from this romance book, and...paste.

They were oblivious to the world outside of them. It was only them on their earth, the love, and care. They were the ones who would create future memories, hand in hand. They would grasp opportunities and go down the road ahead of them. Because they could. As long as they were together. Billy knew Anne would stay, and Anne knew Billy would also stay. They cared deeply about each other. And in the self-contained world they existed in, that was all that was needed.

Ok, so I might be a little too lazy to change the names, but you get the picture. Sorry, but writing that makes my throat scratchy. And I know I will need to do cheesy soliloquies like that as time goes by, so I might as well get this one over and done with before it really begins.

“Cmon,” Vinyl said, patting Octavias back. “I feel bad now for the thingy.”

“You should,” Octavia scorned, looking at the ground, grabbing her wallet and coat. “It’s not my fault my body is weird like that.”

Vinyl made for her glasses. “It’s awesome, is what it is.” An eye-roll.

“Well, dont be shocked when you go to sleep only to find yourself sleeping next to a tarantula.”

Vinyl was already by the door when she turned around to look at her friend. “Dont. Even. Joke around about spiders.”

Octavia smiled. “I know. Daddy Long Legs are the most feared creature on earth.” After this, Vinyl smirked, which caught Octavia off guard.

“At least I won't have trouble getting up like you do. Rolling off until you land on your feet. How many tries do you ta- owww!” Gray paws playfully bonked Vinyl’s head. Laughing, Vinyl put her hooves up in order to block the blows, glancing off the white hooves. In a sudden moment, a hoof slipped past the defenses, and…

“Vinyl! You said you wouldn’t bring that up you silly gooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!”

Octavia jumped back, instantly nursing her hurt hoof, which now bore a tiny mark noting the penetration by the horn. Vinyl smiled, shaking her head. She opened the door.

“Cmon ya big baby. You only have yourself to blame.” Tears welled up in the aristocrat's eyes as she made her way through the doorway, a white hoof guiding her back.

“T-t-the ho-o-o-o-o-o-r-n-n-n-n…” she cried, causing Vinyl to roll her eyes, still smiling. The two made their way through the doorway, and the door itself closed quietly behind the two best friends.