Reminders of You (Only a Little Criminal)
A Few of My Favorite Things
A burst of dragonfire spewed out of Spike's mouth and upwards at an angle, over Twilight's head. A scroll fell, bopping her on the head like a rolled up newspaper.
Twilight's eyes narrowed. "Did you do that intentionally?" she asked.
Spike shrugged. "Just a coincidence." That wasn't entirely true. He had an arrangement with Celestia. Every afternoon at exactly four, if he and Twilight were together, he would angle his snout to point up over Twillight's head. He wondered if Twilight would ever figure out his and Celestia's little system.
It had worked for three weeks and fifteen scrolls so far.
Twilight levitated the scroll in front of her face, removing the seal very carefully to keep the damage to it minimal. She opened a drawer and placed the seal inside, with the several hundred other Celestial scroll seals that she'd also saved.
Each one had an image of a little hoofprint, modeled after the royal hoof of Celestia herself.
After closing the drawer, Twilight looked at the scroll's message.
She asked Spike, "Why would Princess Celestia send me a scroll that just says, 'I don't have a dryer?'"
"No idea," Spike said. "Let's ask her." He fetched writing materials.
Twilight said, "Dear Princess Celestia. What do you mean, you don't have a dryer? Your most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."
A moment later, Spike spouted flames and another scroll appeared. Twilight caught this one out of the air, opened it (laying the seal aside carefully) and read it aloud. "'Just what I said.' That's all it says, Spike.
"Gosh, thanks," Twilight commented sarcastically. Spike scribbled another scroll and sent it off before Twilight could tell him to stop. There was such a thing as having TOO efficient a personal secretary.
Another scroll flew from Spike's mouth in another gout of flame, slightly searing Twilight's facial fur and striking her nose with another rolled up paper. Her eyes crossed for a moment in the aftermath of the accidental attack. "Hey, Spike?" she asked. "What are these scrolls made of, anyway?"
"I always assumed it was asbestos cloth," Spike said. "I think that's why every few days, the Castle of Friendship has a rolling closure, a few rooms at a time, while the ponies in coveralls and special breathing apparatus come through here. Didn't you ever notice them? Or did you have your nose buried in a book?"
"I never really thought about it. As an alicorn, I'm immune to asbestosis. Just like you are, as a dragon. Now that you've pointed it out, I guess that must be the real reason Celestia sent me that unfinished spell that made me an alicorn. Alicorns are practically immortal, but MOST ponies who get too many scrolls from Celestia start to have trouble breathing after a few decades. That's why official dragonfire scroll seals cost so much. It's because the supplemental health insurance costs are included in the price of the seal."
"Huh," Spike said.
"It isn't an issue for me, because when the cleaners wearing hazmat suits come through, they just vacuum me, and clean wherever I'm not. Whatever they might miss, they'll get next time. But this is all a digression. Spike! Take a letter. Standard salutation, why are we talking about dryers, standard closing. Go!"
Spike scribbled and sent. After about three minutes, another scroll appeared. Spike read it to his big sister. "We're talking about dryers because YOU CAN'T PUT THE BLAME ON THE DRYER FOR YOUR OWN CRIMES. You should be ashamed."
"What? It doesn't say that!" A glowing tendril of Twilight's magic reached out and snatched the scroll from Spike's claws. Twilight peered at the scroll. "It DOES say that. I'm sorry I ever doubted you, Spike."
"It's ok. I could hardly believe it myself. My own big sister, a criminal." Spike scratched his head. "Should we blame society in general, or one pony's upbringing?" His eyes widened. "Twilight, I grew up right beside you. Do you think I'm doomed to become a criminal too? What should I do? Should I just turn myself in immediately? What terrible crimes will I commit, if I don't stop myself now?"
Twilight snorted. "Spike, your family IS a bad influence on you. You're starting to sound like me when I'm in a mood."
"You're right!" Spike said. "I'll tell my lawyer it's all YOUR fault. You're obviously the ringleader. And I'm just a minor. The Royal Court would never give a horribly severe punishment to a little creature who isn't even old enough to...isn't even close to being an adult. I'm safe! I practically have a Get Out Of Tartarus Free card!"
Twilight nodded. "I have no idea what you're talking about, but do whatever keeps you from spending your teenage years in a cozy little prison cell."
"Will you tell them it's all your fault, Twilight?"
"Better yet. I'll be a character witness. I'll tell them I've known you your entire life. Since you were just an egg."
Spike's mouth twisted slightly. "I think that...might backfire, Twilight. Do you remember the part about how you're guilty of I don't even know HOW many crimes?"
"No," Twilight argued. "I'm pretty sure Princess Celestia was being figurative. Or metaphorical. Or something like that."
Looking out a window, Twilight noticed a pegasus drawn chariot flying through the air, descending towards her front lawn. "Hmm," she said. "Two royal guards. In full armor, carrying weapons. Hide me, Spike!"
"No way. I'm not getting involved in this. Maybe it's not too late for me to give up a life of crime. I don't want to compound whatever I've already done wrong, by hiding a fugitive too."
"You're right, Spike." Twilight stretched out her neck, nuzzling her number one assistant for a moment. "Tell mom and dad I love them. And tell Shining Armor I never realized it before, but I can't condone what he does for a living any more." Twilight ran out of the room.
Somecreature knocked on the door.
"Who is it?" Spike asked.
A royally composed voice said, "It's me, Spike. Your favorite princess next to your other favorites."
Spike rolled his eyes. "That isn't very specific. You should probably come in, so I'll know who you are." At the last moment, just as the door started to open, he said, "Wait you're not Chrysalis are you because she's like a double princess if you are her I take it back you're not my favorite just because I can fantasize about you looking like ANYPONY--"
Princess Celestia asked, "What was that, Spike?"
"Whew!" Spike said. "It's just Celestia." He tilted his head. "You ARE Princess Celestia, right? Not Chrysalis?"
The tallest princess in the world sighed. "There's nothing for it. You know changelings live on love, right? Not on pony style food?"
"Well...sure," Spike said. "I guess."
"Lead me to your kitchen. I must eat all the cake in your home, to prove my identity. It is a matter of state security."
After Celestia had devoured all the cake in the Castle of Friendship, she burped. "Are you convinced, Spike?"
Spike looked around at the piles of dirty dishes. "What will you eat next if I say no? I mean, sure I'm sure. You must really be you."
"That is a relief. Now on to the reason for my visit. Can you tell me where Twilight is?"
"No."
"No?"
"She's hiding. She didn't tell me where she was going."
"I see. Well, even though she isn't here, may I take a look in her closet?"
"What? You think she's in the closet?" Spike said nervously, "I doubt it. Let's look...at Sugarcube Corner! They have lots more cake there."
Celestia burped again, and rubbed her stomach. "Proving my identity for state security has already given me a tummy ache. No, Spike, I think we should look in her closet right now. One way or another, it might settle the issue."
"Well...ok. Do you know the way? Oh!" Spike exclaimed as Celestia levitated him and dragged him after her. "You know I'm old enough I can walk on my own, right?"
A few hallway traversals later, Celestia burst through the doorway to Twilight's room. "I KNEW it!" Celestia said.
Spike goggled. Twilight was wearing eight droopy, loose socks, two on each foot. And a pair of sunglasses. "Twilight? What in Equestria are you doing?"
Twilight blushed. "It's not what it looks like! I mean, it IS what it looks like, but in the nicest, most loving way possible."
"Yes?" Celestia asked. The alabaster alicorn rubbed her swollen belly and looked at Twilight expectantly.
Twilight goggled. "You're pregnant!"
Celestia waved a forehoof. "No, only with affairs of state. I had to prove my identity, and it was very tiring." She belched again. "And a bit painful."
"I'm sorry," Twilight said. "But what are you doing in my room?"
Celestia's eyebrows lifted. "Really, Twilight? TWO of my socks on each foot?"
Spike noticed that each sock bore Celestia's cutie mark. "Hey!" he said. "This must be what Celestia was talking about." He eyed Twilight suspiciously. "Why do you have Princess Celestia's socks, anyway?"
"I'm sorry!" blurted Twilight. "It's just...after moving to Ponyville, I really miss you! When I put on some of your clothes, Princess Celestia, it makes me feel closer to you. I guess it seems weird..."
Celestia smiled kindly. "I've lived for thousands of years, my most faithful student. On a weirdness scale from one to ten, I'd say this only rates a two. Or maybe a three with the petty theft. I just wish you had come and talked to me, instead of secretly raiding my laundry."
Twilight slumped abashedly. "I'm sorry, Celestia. I just thought you'd never understand."
Celestia hugged her purple protege. "It's ok, Twilight. Let it all out." She gently thumped Twilight on the back. "Don't you feel better, now that you've told me?" Celestia belched again.
Twilight agreed happily, "I do!" She frowned. "The only problem is, now I'll have to give all your clothes back."
Celestia patted Twilight on the withers. "No you don't. You can have plenty of my old clothes. There's just one thing I want you to do for me. Guards! You can come in now!"
Twilight watched the doorway nervously. Two guards walked in, each carrying a large hamper. Celestia said happily, "Clothing exchange!"
"What?" Twilight said.
Celestia opened drawers and cabinets. She popped open the closet door, and peeked inside. "Oh...I want this one back. It's the only thing that goes with the other one."
"What," Twilight commented.
Celestia rummaged through Twilight's garments, pulling out a few here and there to stow in one of the guards' hampers, and putting the rest back. Surprisingly quickly--as if she'd done this more than once before in her long life--Celestia had put everything away, refilling Twilight's clothing storage. "Now comes the fun part!"
Twilight stared at her mentor.
Celestia smiled, and levitated the second hamper to a spot on the floor between the two alicorns. She opened the lid. "See anything you like?"
"Um...you're LETTING me take some of your clothes?"
Celestia nodded. "Why not? Doesn't this seem fun?" The tall alicorn frowned slightly. "Or...you aren't one of THOSE ponies, are you? The kind who only like clothes that you've stolen? If you are, we could make arrangements to accommodate you, but it might take a few days of preparation. And I'll have to learn more about your tastes."
Twilight stared. "What? I mean, no! I don't need to steal your clothes to be happy. What kind of pony do you think I am?" Twilight hyperventilated. She opened a drawer full of paper bags, pulled one bag out, and breathed into it for a minute.
Afterwards, she said, "What I mean is, thank you very much, your highness. It was just such a shock. I had no idea you'd be so accepting." Twilight reached up and embraced her mentor.
"You're welcome, Twilight." The two alicorns held each other tightly. Celestia let go first, and dumped out the second hamper's contents onto Twilight's bed. "At least take a look."
During the next half hour, Celestia persuaded Twilight to accept several additional garments.
"It's been lovely seeing you again," Celestia said. "Both you and Spike. But as you know, my duties require frequent attention." She sighed. "I must depart, Twilight. But I want you to know one thing."
"What?"
"I miss you too. Come visit me soon?"
"Sure!" Twilight agreed. Twilight and Spike walked their visitors to the door. The two princesses embraced while the two royal guards loaded the chariot and fastened their pulling harnesses. Celestia reluctantly boarded the chariot. The two pegasus guards started walking, then trotting, until they reached takeoff speed and left the ground.
Twilight and Spike watched the chariot fly away. Twilight sighed a big sigh. "Can you believe that?" Twilight said.
"I guess so. Although as the days of my life go, for unbelievable surprises, this must be one of the top ten or fifteen at least."
"Really?" Twilight said. "I had no idea you'd given them rankings. Can I see your list?"
Spike laughed. "I don't HAVE a list. I was just saying. Anyway, I think it's time to think about dinner. If there's anything left in the kitchen to eat."
"Huh?"
"Princess Celestia pointed out that changelings live on love, not regular food. And then she insisted on proving her identity. To about a million calories' worth."
"Mmm-huh?"
"Let me show you the mess that used to be our kitchen."
***
The next day at breakfast, Twilight remarked, "Spike? I had trouble finding a few of my clothes. Do you think...?"
"Nah," Spike said.
"You're right. Celestia is far too morally upstanding a pony to steal any of my clothes."
"That isn't what I meant. I just don't think she would take any of your clothes to wear them herself, like you did to her...because they wouldn't fit. A little pony can get into big clothes, but a big pony can't squeeze into little clothes."
Twilight laughed. "You're right. I was being silly."
"Anyway," Spike explained, "I don't think her tastes in things to wear run that direction."
***
Somewhere in Canterlot Palace, Celestia had fit herself into the shed skin of a medium-small dragon, and was stomping around the room. "Raar!" Celestia said. "I am a dragon. Bring me your gold, peasants!"
In a chair, Luna rolled her eyes. "I don't think peasants HAVE much gold, Celestia. They're peasants."
"A pony can dream, can't she? Just indulge me."
Luna stood up and walked out of the room.
Celestia sighed. "Nopony really understands me."
Author's Note
Where did this story come from?
Batwing Candlewaxxe Today at X:XX PM
I love how Princess Twiggles has shades with Celestia's cutie mark
