Pharynx, The Change Gang, And This Freaking Alicorn

“I’m telling you, guys! A hideous purple alicorn contaminated existence and snatched Pharynx away like a money bag!”

“Seriously, Scorch?” Venom gave his brother an aside glance as Flutterwings continued rambling. “I thought I told you to keep her away from the cider table!”

“She didn’t drink any cider, Venom, I swear,” the red changeling replied. “And yeah, some alicorn really did snatch Pharynx away like a money bag. Trust me, I was there. We both were.”

“Oh really?” Spiny raised a brow, folding his forelegs. “If there really was a weird purple alicorn kidnapping handsome creatures, why haven’t we encountered it then?”

“Well, you did just invent the possibility that she only encountered handsome creatures,” Scorch deadpanned.

“Hey!” the teal changeling spat back, glaring at him.

Thistle merely rolled her eyes at the scene, standing up from her chair after she finished cleaning off the chocolate stains on her outfit. “Well, it sounds like an… interesting explanation as to where Pharynx suddenly went,” she admitted, walking to the brother-and-sister duo. “Though, are you guys absolutely a hundred percent sure that this pony was an alicorn?”

“Yes!” Flutterwings and Scorch said in unison.

“Okaaay… did you see where she took him?”

“Out in the castle gardens!” Flutterwings answered confidently, pointing a forehoof in the appropriate direction.

“She took him into the castle gardens?” Cricket spoke up.

“She dragged him into the castle gardens,” the nymph clarified.

The green changeling blinked. “And he let her?”

Scorch and Flutterwings glanced at each other for a moment, then back at the other four reformed changelings. “Uhhh…”

Spiny sighed heavily. “Face it, guys,” he said. “If there really was a purple alicorn snatching random dudes up, Pharynx would’ve beaten it to a bloody pulp. Plain and simple.”

“He tried to!” Scorch protested. “But for some reason he—”

“Forget it, Scorch.” Flutterwings rolled her eyes, gripping her older brother’s forehoof. “Let’s just show them where we last saw ‘em.”

“Is this it?”

“Pretty much, Venom. It’s the spot where Lady Edgeflank started ranting about us ‘trying to hurt her boyfriend’ before suddenly disappearing,” Scorch explained.

“She disappeared?” Cricket asked cluelessly.

“Tch. Pretty sure it’s called ‘sobering up’, Cricks,” Spiny muttered while folding his forelegs, eliciting a fit of snickers from Venom.

“Come on, guys!” the red changeling whined. “This is what happened! We wouldn’t lie about a prince’s whereabouts, would we?!”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Venom admitted, rubbing the back of his head. “I mean, there was that one time where you—”

Venom immediately cut his sentence off when he and the others heard what sounded like the rustling of bushes nearby. “...Hm?”

“Oh great…” Flutterwings whispered, before turning to Scorch. “You think that’s her right now?”

“Perhaps,” he responded. “Brace yourselves, guys. This could get ugly.”

The six changelings slowly trotted in towards the shrubbery, peering in closely in subtle tension…

...suddenly, out came a sunflower.

The Change Gang stared in silence and awe as the shockingly sentient plant hopped up to its root-like feet, before grasping and pulling up the flower pot its “torso” was secured in and hurriedly waddling off as if it were in serious need of a belt.

Spiny blinked, before finally deciding to break the silence between him and his peers. “You guys absolutely sure there was nothing in that chocolate fountain we were just at minutes ago?”

Before any of them could even attempt to answer, they heard a faint jovial tune somewhere nearby. Their ears perked in response, and they turned their heads in the direction it was coming from.

After a short journey through the shrubbery, the changelings’ mouths fell agape as soon as they laid their eyes upon a rather… interesting creature.

This creature seemed to be a complete mishmash of what appeared to be many other animals; mismatched horns, mismatched limbs, even mismatched wings, complete with a long scaly red dragon tail and an immensely tall and slender body. To top it all off, he appeared to be wearing a gardener’s outfit.

Upon even closer inspection, he had a wheelbarrow full of plucked flowers—some of which were leaping out and scampering out of sight—next to him, and he was busily watering a bed full of weeds.

“Rosemary, Rosemary, on the contrary…” the creature mumbled.

“Ahem.” Venom cleared his throat.

“How does your garden grow—”

“AHEM.”

The creature turned around to face the changelings with wide red-and-yellow eyes, and as soon as he did that, his jaw dropped to the ground… in a more literal manner than it usually is. By that, it completely fell off its hinges and onto the grass in front of him.

The Change Gang couldn’t help but cringe slightly at the sight. Unfazed, the creature casually picked his jaw up from the ground and reattached it back in. “I swear to Celestia, I will never properly get used to their new appearances.”

Venom raised a brow, stepping forward from the group. “Excuse me?”

“You know exactly what I’m referring to!” the mishmash answered upon teleporting up to the changeling in a white flash, now wearing a more fancy and formal outfit—complete with a top hat—suitable for the gala. “You all do! With your buggy eyes and your new wings and your… tails…”

“You’re certainly one to talk, Mr. uh…” Flutterwings appraised the stranger closely. “...Griffin-goat?”

His eyes widened as he leaned in towards the nymph, making her jump in surprise. “Griffin-goat?” he parroted in mock-offense. “Why, I haven’t heard that one since even before I was petrified! Hm…” He snapped his eagle-like claw, and a pen and notepad appeared right into his grasp, and he started writing. “Perhaps I should write that down for later.”

Scorch stared in even more awe as the figure snapped its claw yet again, making the notepad flutter off as if it were a bird of some sort. “Right…” He quickly shook his head. “Look, we don’t really have time to question the logic of whatever you’re doing, sir… uh…” he said.

The creature made a name tag appear out of thin air. “Discord.”

“Right, Discord, we’re looking for an alicorn, have you seen it?”

“Well, it depends on what alicorn you’re specifically referring to,” Discord replied. “If it’s Celestia, then the first place I would check is the dessert table. I don’t recall the last time she wasn’t stuffing her gullet with a triple-layer cake.”

“Actually, it wouldn't be an alicorn that anypony would be familiar with,” Spiny explained, rubbing the back of his head with a hoof. “Well, at least I think that’s the case… assuming we’ve all been sober the whole time.” He snuck a glance at Scorch and Flutterwings, who both huffed and folded their forelegs at him.

“Hm…” Discord thought for a moment, grazing his white beard with a claw. “This case seems to be much more complex than I expected it to be… you all know what this alicorn looked like, yes?”

“Uhh…” four of the changelings said in unison. However, two of them stepped up.

“Well, to put it bluntly, she really wasn’t your average-looking alicorn,” Flutterwings said.

Scorch nodded. “She was this weird purple alicorn with this black-and-pink mane, and these bright red eyes, and these huge wings—”

“Hold on a second…” Discord pressed a talon to his mouth, cutting him off. “You’re referring to that knows-nothing Nova pony, aren’t you?”

“Wait, who—”

“Oh nonononono, just as I was hoping I wouldn’t have another run-in with one of them ever again.”

Flutterwings arched a brow. “Who’s ‘them’?”

“Allow me to explain over a few milkshakes, shall we?”

“Uh… what?”

Discord snapped his appendages. Within a flash of light, they were suddenly sitting in what appeared to be a shabby, run-down bar, with the draconequus himself behind the counter, squirting a mountain of whipped cream on top of a vanilla shake.

“Just thought we’d have a lot more privacy when discussing this controversial topic,” he said. “Thankfully, we appear to be the only ones residing in this place.”

“The only thing we should be ‘discussing’ is Pharynx’s whereabouts, Discord,” Thistle replied bluntly, gazing around the area with a frown. “Why’d you bring us to this miserable hole-in-the-wall of all places?”

“Now, now, we couldn’t have any nosy ponies eavesdropping on us now, could we?” the draconequus answered firmly. “Though, you’re not too far off about the ‘hole-in-the-wall’ part.”

It took the Change Gang about five seconds to realize that they were literally sitting inside a giant hole in the wall.

“Right…” Cricket uttered, turning back to Discord. “Now, what was that about that… Nova pony?”

“Nova Shadowlight…” Discord muttered, folding his arms with a huff. “I’ve had an unfortunate encounter with one of her little lackeys.”

“What lackeys?”

“Cookie Cutter!”

“Who?”

“Why, she’s—” Discord sighed heavily, facepalming. “I’ll explain later. Now, whose whereabouts were you wondering about?”

“Prince Pharynx of the changeling kingdom!” Flutterwings exclaimed. “That clingy pony was smooching all over him, and then she—”

“Snatched him away like a moneybag?” Discord finished, suddenly appearing while dressed in a robber’s outfit while holding a sack of money.

“Yes, that!” She nodded quickly.

Another flash of light ensued, and Discord was now walking around the bar holding a long and skinny object that appeared to be a detector of some sort. As soon as he snaked over to the opposite wall of the room, the detector made a loud beeping noise. “Just as I thought.”

“Uh… what is it?” Venom asked as he walked over to investigate.

“Why, it appears that our ‘odd couple’ has gone right into a plothole.”

“I’m sorry, did you say ‘plothole’?” Scorch inquired. “What even is that?”

“Oh, it’s nothing special. It’s only the most foul, wretched, and sickeningly saccharine place one could possibly imagine,” Discord explained, folding up the device and effortlessly shoving it into one of his ears. “It’s also where all the flawlessly perfect immortals tend to reside. I’m honestly surprised it took me so long to figure out that it’s also where that imbecilic Cookie Cutter came from,” he added.

“So how does one possibly enter this plothole?” Spiny asked, walking up to Discord while flipping through the pages of a romance novel he had gotten from one of the nearby bookshelves. “I mean, do we find a certain page or paragraph where the main character—”

“Oh, don’t be so unorthodox!” Discord scolded, slapping the book out of the changeling’s grip, making him jump in surprise. “It’s common knowledge that the plot hole is a secret passage hidden between the lines and off the pages!”

Spiny blinked upon recovering from the smack. “Uh… what does that even mea—”

“Therefore, we must unveil other strategies!” With yet another snap, Discord made a small remote appear in his paw. He pointed it at the large shelves behind the bar counter and pressed the large red button in the very middle. Slowly, the shelves began to rise and fold up, revealing a shining vehicle glistening in the spotlight, much to the Change Gang’s amazement and disbelief. “Behold!”

The vehicle wasn’t anything that any normal creature in Equestria would be familiar with, as it had both wheels and a working motor. The colors consisted of black, light grey, and scarlet, and in the very front of it sat a blue license plate that read “K-OZ-LRD” in white letters.

“The GMC’s a rather specific choice, I know,” Discord said to the wide-eyed changelings, “but if we’re going to rescue your little friend, we have to stand out quite a bit from those plothole residents, do we not?” He teleported next to the vehicle and exclaimed, “Pile in, fellow journeyers!”

Venom, Thistle, Spiny, and Cricket all quickly scampered into the back seats, while Flutterwings and Scorch climbed into the two front seats that were next to the driver’s seat.

“It’s settled then. Now watch and learn.” Discord went up to the wall that was across from the van and dragged his talon in a circular motion. Soon, a bright portal began to open, displaying swirling neon colors that the changelings had to shield their eyes from.

The draconequus immediately teleported into the driver’s seat, before putting on a pair of shades. “Glad to see that I didn’t have to tell you all beforehand that I’ll be taking the wheel.”

Discord firmly pressed a foot against the gas pedal, and they drove into the vortex.

“Discoooord!” Cricket cried aloud, holding onto his seat tightly as he kept trying his best to look away from the window. “I think I’m gonna hurl!”

For at least five minutes, they had been speeding through this cavernous error, watching the infinite mass of misspelled words as well as warping neon lights and swirling colors swam past the vehicle.

“Well, pardon me if my driving skills are a little rusty! Discord called back. “This shouldn’t be any longer! Surely, we should survive riding through a poorly written passage full of never-ending continuity errors!”

“Now, I’m really wondering if we’re still sober,” Spiny remarked to Cricket, shuddering.

“So, you’ve driven into one of these before?” Scorch asked the draconequus at the wheel.

“Well, honestly, I’m not too familiar with driving in general,” Discord responded. “The one type of ‘driving’ I’m a hundred percent used to is driving mortals to the very edge.”

“Edge of what?” Flutterwings questioned in confusion.

“Why, the edge of—”

“HIT THE BRAKES!” Cricket screamed as he pointed his hoof.

Discord’s red-and-yellow eyes bulged out of the lens of his shades. He stepped hard on the pedal, and the van came to a screeching halt. By the time they came to a full stop, however, there was an alicorn stallion squashed flat against the front of the van, with his face pressed against the windshield. The first few things they all noticed about this stallion was his pitch black coat and his neon red mane, tail, and eyes, as well as his oversized bat wings.

Flutterwings stared blankly. “Is this the ‘edge’ you were referring to, Discord?” she asked, gesturing towards the red-and-black pony.

Discord blinked. “Uh… no, I’m afraid not.” He pressed a button and the windshield wipers turned on, causing the stallion to peel right off the glass. He then opened the van door and stepped outside. “Well, lookie here,” he said. “Seems like we’ve about reached our destination.”

The Change Gang stepped out of the van to gaze at their surroundings. There were countless castles that all seemed to outdo Canterlot in both size and quality (though the latter was actually pretty questionable). The sky was an intensely bright galaxy of many unnatural colors with huge planets even being visible to the average eye. For some reason, there were rainbows in that sky, too. The ground was an endless supply of colorful flowers, and to top it all off, the place was filled to the brim with alicorns.

Well, there were other creatures in there, too, but mostly alicorns.

LOTS of alicorns.

“...I think I’m gonna hurl!” Cricket said for the second time that day.