Pant-a-Loons

by FanOfMostEverything

Rating: teen
Tags: Equestria Girls, Sex, Main 7 (EqG), Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy, Other
Length: 8514

Sunset may not be able to define "graven images," but she knows them when she sees them.

A deity, even one who refuses to identify as such, is going to attract followers. And those followers will show their devotion to said deity in a number of ways, whether she wants them to or not.

It's not that Sunset wants to stop people from expressing themselves. She just wishes that expression didn't involve parts of her she'd rather keep out of public view.

Part of the Oversaturated World.

Rated Teen for textual depictions of artistic nudity and discussion of the associated body regions. Title suggested by Justifiedparanoia on Estee's Discord sever; Fimfic username unknown at this time. Additional suggetions from Mockingbirb, Krack-Fic Kai, and CCC.
Statue source is the Venus Callipyge by François Barois at the Louvre; unlinked due to site policy.

Published 2021-02-21 02:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2021-02-21 02:20:02 UTC

On Artistic Licenses and Their Revocation

Overnight Delivery gulped and fidgeted, barely keeping herself from crumpling the envelope she held. If she did that... She didn't even want to imagine what would happen then. So she shifted all the nervous energy that would go to a white-knuckle grip or wringing her hands elsewhere. Before the change, she'd have been bouncing on her heels like she was about to go three rounds with Face Puncher in his ear-biting prime. As it was, she jittered up and down on shadowy wings like a caffeinated mosquito.

She tried to tell herself it wasn't that big a deal. She usually tried to spend as little time in this part of Canterlot as possible. Any packages got dropped off with just enough haste to not draw notice from any onlookers. These days, she didn't even touch the ground, just to be sure. It wasn't exactly crime-infested, but Overnight had heard stories about the area, full of abandoned warehouses and tenements that took in anyone who liked to avoid awkward questions. Not the place for a woman who just wanted to get back home to her cats.

Objectively, she was heading for just another warehouse. Aside from the fresh paint, it was no different than any of its neighbors. What made the difference there was just who had refurbished it. This wasn't just any exercise of squatter's rights. This was the divine residence of Sunset Shimmer, She Who Remade the World, the Midwife of Cosmic Rebirth, the—

"Okay, okay, I'm here. Do you people come up with new nicknames in your free time or what?"

The girl standing in front of her, understandably annoyed by being bothered on a Saturday morning, even if she seemed a lot more coherent than Overnight would've been at that age in this situation. The emerald soulgem in Sunset's forehead glinted as the early morning sun peeked through a gap in the warehouses. She crossed her arms, dressed in an outfit Overnight recognized from her blessed missives on EweTube,

And scowling.

The goddess was scowling. At her.

Overnight fell to her knees, her wingbow vanishing like darkness before the dawn. "Forgive me, Your Grace! Please spare this humble messenger for disturbing your rest. I—"

"Oh, relax." Sunset stepped closer. Overnight took a gamble and raised her head. She was met with a weary smile rather than purging radiance. "I haven't slept in months."

"O-oh. Is there anything I can do to—"

The goddess cut her off with a shake of her head. "That's sweet, but I chose to remove the need. Too much to do. And even if you had woken me up, I wouldn't have done whatever it is you think I will."

Overnight allowed herself to relax the tiniest bit. "You are great and merciful, o—"

"Look, I can see the envelope." Sunset held out her hand. "How about you just hand it to me so we can get this over with?"

"Oh! Yes." Overnight did as the divine one commanded. "But, um, I have been asked to stay and hear your response."

Sunset quirked an eyebrow as the envelope opened, seemingly of its own accord if one ignored the golden magic enveloping it. "My response? Why would someone need my—" The letter unfolded, and her gaze moved to it. And for a few moments, the goddess all but froze in place, not speaking, not breathing, moving only her eyes as she took in the missive.

"Oh."

To Her Most Exquisite Radiance
Sunset Shimmer
blessed be Your name

You are cordially invited to an exhibition and charity auction of artwork made in Your honor and image, to be held this coming Sunday at:

The Agate Gallery
107 Facet Avenue
Crystal City

We would be most honored to have you in attendance.

Sunset Shimmer had never asked to be worshiped. Even at her worst, she'd known the difference between an alicorn and a goddess. By the time she'd fled Equestria, the only thing she and Celestia had agreed on was that the elder mare didn't deserve anypony's reverence.

Unfortunately, Sunset had had a lot more trouble getting that through to a bunch of humans who'd already decided that the shining, golden avatar of stable reality was, in fact, divine. Asking politely got polite nods in return before people went back to building temples, making two-tone sun amulets, or otherwise exalting her. More direct requests were dismissed as tests of faith. Explaining the situation rationally on her vlog got a lot of gushing comments from Digital Positivists who hadn't actually watched the video; that sect of Shimmerism just showed their devotion by liking, subscribing, and slamming that notification bell with every ounce of their being.

Perhaps the worst part was that Sunset had to admit that her unwanted disciples were actually doing some good in the world. Well, no, the worst part was definitely the bad they were doing, but the good came close if only because of the frustration factor. The charities, shelters, and other causes were almost all worthwhile, but their misguided founding principles wore at the part of Sunset that was Honesty. Every day, she heard a faint whisper of prayer in the back of her mind thanking her for things she had nothing to with. Missionaries went out into the world to teach underprivileged children math, literacy... and the Good Word they'd put in her mouth. Humanity had responded to the hostile magical aberrations known as angst monsters by forming a group to study and eradicate them, and Sunset just wished the sect that had done that had been called literally anything other than "The Church of the Divine Bacon Horse."

"And?" said Rarity. "What did you say?"

All told, it had made the situation with Overnight Delivery more than a little awkward. Likewise retelling it to her friends at Sugarcube Corner.

"I mean, the poor delivery woman was right there. What else was I supposed to say?" Sunset sighed and slumped in her seat, face on the table. "A fortysomething with slit pupils shouldn't be able to give puppy-dog eyes that well."

She could feel Rarity's confused sympathy as much as the girl patting her shoulder. "Darling, they're putting on an entire art exhibition in your honor! No one would blame you if you were at least a little flattered."

Sunset glanced up at her. "You remember those portrait-sized photos of me winning Fall Formals and Spring Flings that I talked Principal Celestia into hanging up in her office? Specifically the last one?"

"You mean the one where you went all 'MUHAHAHA!'" Pinkie threw back her head and clenched her fists to recreate the pose that had seemed like a good idea at the time.

"Right. That one." Sunset sat up, only to lean back bonelessly, head drooping behind her. "Now tell me how I'm supposed to look at anything in that gallery and not see that."

And there was a spike of embarrassment. "Ah," said Rarity. "I believe I see the problem."

Twilight adjusted her glasses, giving Sunset an appraising look she'd welcome in different circumstances. "I'll be honest, I'd kind of like to see you going 'Muhahaha.'"

"No, no, no, you've really got to lean back and laugh from your diaphragm."

That got a roll of the eyes, but Twilight didn't look away from her girlfriend. "You don't need to tell me how to cackle at the short-sighted fools at the institute, Pinkie. That was how I got through sophmore year."

"Well." Rarity cleared her throat. "I can understand your trepidation, Sunset, but you are still attending, yes?"

Sunset let the question hang for a few moments before sighing and dragging herself back into a reasonable posture. "Yeah. They really got me with Ms. Delivery. I couldn't bear to see her reaction if I turned down the invitation. It would've been like kicking a puppy. Or Fluttershy."

"Or Fluttershy holding a puppy!" Pinkie added.

Fluttershy nodded. "I can be very persuasive when I'm holding a puppy."

"Besides," Sunset continued, "there's a charity auction planned. The Society for Applied Biomancy, that group that's trying to get magical medicine off the ground."

"Excellent. Then it is paramount that you are seen at this exhibition." Rarity gave an exaggerated shudder. "Why, just imagine what they might think otherwise!"

Sunset raised an eyebrow. "That I don't have an ego bigger than a planet?"

"No. That you don't care about art." After a more genuine gasp, Rarity cried, "Worse, that you dislike art! Imagine the damage that would be done if that impression became widespread! The cultural backlash, the aesthetic blight upon society!"

"Uh huh." "More genuine" didn't hide the rest of Rarity's emotional profile. "And the fact that I'll be wearing one of your designs has nothing to do with this."

"Oh, Sunset, you wound me. To think that my motives would begin and end at self-aggrandizement. To reduce my interactions with la crème de la crème de le monde d'arte to petty advertisement."

"Ain't none o' that was a 'no.'" Applejack said from Rarity's side.

Rarity pouted at her. "Applejack, dearest, how could you?"

All it got her was a grin. "Still ain't a no."

"In case it needed to be said," said Sunset, "you're all invited as well."

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, glancing up from whatever she'd pulled up on her phone when the conversation had turned to art. "Assuming Rarity's got enough frilly dresses on hand to let us all go to this thing."

Rarity dismissed that with a wave of the hand and a few seconds of scoffing. "Please. Frills haven't been in vogue for years. And I do have lovely gowns prepared for each of us in case of just such an occasion. It was only a matter of time before the upper crust started paying Sunset her due."

"My 'due' is letting me do my job without blowing it out of proportion," said Sunset, crossing her arms.

Twilight gave a sly grin that Sunset usually liked. Usually. "The job where you repair cosmological-scale damage to the universe and govern all forces and matter to prevent further injury to reality? That job?"

"... Yes, that job." Sunset cleared her throat. "Besides, I dealt with the upper crust back in Equestria. I don't exactly get along with that kind of person at the best of the times."

Rarity patted her on the shoulder. "Leave the networking to me, Sunset. You can just admire the artwork."

"'Admire.' Sure. Let's hope so."

Facet Avenue lay at the heart of Crystal City's most upscale district, the kind of place where no store had price tags. Anyone who was so gauche as to ask about prices definitely couldn't afford anything, whether it was at a restaurant, a fashion boutique, or a place like the Agate Gallery.

The Gallery itself was part museum, part showroom, all built with the sort of understated minimalism that was only available for way too much money. Each room struck a balance between plentiful wall space and keeping sight lines clear enough that patrons could see and be seen by one another. It was, as Rarity had cautioned the others before the exhibition, a Place to Be, with all that the capitals implied.

Sunset had some experience with Being at Places. She'd Been to them at Princess Celestia's right hoof more than once. But after one look through the windows that made up the Agate Gallery's front wall, she wasn't sure if she wanted to be inside, with or without a capital.

"That's... a lot of me," she said. Every visible inch of wall space bore representations of Sunset, ranging from photorealistic to incredibly abstract. She could already see so many versions of her cutie mark that she worried she'd be sick of it by the end of the night.

Sunset picked at the one shoulder strap holding up her gown, an admittedly incredible, almost iridescent fabric of warm colors that danced like a heat haze when she moved. It definitely felt suitable for this place. She just wasn't sure if she did.

"The public adores you, darling," Rarity said from her side, magic gently pulling Sunset's hand away from the gown. All of Sunset's friends stuck close to her, offering what support they could... and making sure Rarity didn't run herself ragged keeping them from ruining the eveningwear she'd made for the occasion. Her own little black dress had enough crystals woven into it to look like a piece of the night sky. "Embrace the good publicity, if nothing else."

"It's not like I need the good reputation," Sunset said with a shrug. "I'm not planning on doing anything sinister."

"Still, every artiste appreciates feedback, especially from the one who inspired them." Rarity nodded towards the entrance. "And I fear they're getting concerned over our hesitation."

Sunset followed the gesture. More than a few people kept glancing back and forth between her and various points of the Gallery. She could feel the building anxiety and unease, and knowing she was the cause twisted her gut more than her own nerves ever could. "Okay, point. Let's do this."

There was a line. There was a line. There was even a bouncer, with shoulders twice as broad as Applejack's farm-grown physique straining against his suit. Granted, being a Diamond Dog aspect did give him an advantage against a high schooler. Sunset fought to keep her mortification down to reasonable levels as they walked past the waiting crowd. The cheering and requests for blessings didn't help. Once the group made it to the bouncer, he looked over them, smiled, and opened the door for them. "Your Holiness. We've been expecting you."

"Th-thanks." Sunset just tried to smile. Twilight, Rarity, and Applejack all offered their aid in keeping her from getting rooted on the spot, whether through subtle telekinetic pushes or physically lifting her for a few steps.

Eventually, they got her inside and near a smiling, ruddy crystal aspect man who literally radiated joy when he spotted her. He stretched out a lanky arm to shake her hand, offering a glittering smile. "Sunset Shimmer! At last, at last. Welcome to our humble gallery, you and yours. We have so much to show you."

"Um, if it's alright, I was hoping the girls and I could browse for a bit. Talk to the artist if something catches our interest. Try not to make any more of a fuss than we need to?" Sunset offered an awkward grin of her own as she finally tugged her hand free. "I'm not exactly looking to own a portrait of, you know, me. Assuming that won't interfere with the auction."

The owner—at least, Sunset assumed he was the owner—nodded, snagging a canapé off a passing waiter's tray without even looking. "Entirely understandable, my dear. Browse to your heart's content. The bidding is a very clandestine process; you couldn't disturb it if you..." He trailed off as he considered the rest of Sunset's entourage, lingering especially on Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. His smile didn't slip, but the aura of delight did flicker for a few moments. "Well, keep your hands inside the ride, as the saying goes, and it should all be fine."

Pinkie beamed at that, bouncing in the most elegant thing Rarity could make while still working with her preferred palette of hot pinks and baby blues. "Ooh, hear that, Dashie? They didn't even have to drag you off the coaster this time!"

"I was thirteen!" Dash cried in her pearlescent chiton.

Rarity slipped away from Applejack—and credit where it was due, the dress looked good and worked with the hat—and all but glided next to Sunset. "Do pardon them, Mr. Thunderegg. They're the best friends a girl could ask for, but this isn't their usual metier."

Mr. Thunderegg, whose smile had started to wilt, perked up at that. "Of course, Miss Rarity. If you'll excuse me, ladies." He slipped into the crowd.

Sunset tried to ignore just how much of that crowd was watching her out of the corners of their eyes. "You know him?"

"Jasper Thunderegg also hosts the Young Designers' Gala here," said Rarity. "I'd have invited you to the last one, but, well..."

"It's bad enough when the event is supposed to be all about me?"

"Well..." Rarity cleared her throat. "You said it, darling, not me. Besides, it's not like anyone other than Fluttershy is usually interested, and she was a bit put off by the wood sculptures this time."

"I'll be fine." Fluttershy tucked a length of her hair back under the crown of pink leaves that the onlookers probably thought was just an accessory. "They just caught me off-guard."

Sunset took a deep breath. Twilight, wearing a gown that clearly drew inspiration from ETSAB file photos of that "Midnight Sparkle" creature, took her hand and refreshed her resolve. "How about we just look around?" Twilight said.

That got a nod. "Let's."

Sunset was intimately tied to the flow of time. If she focused, she could feel the Pranck times tick by, the mainspring of the universe gradually unwinding as entropy continued its one-way march to oblivion. Even this minute portion of her full presence could vaguely sense how time flowed differently outside of the Earth's gravity well, universal time a laughable farce to her perceptions.

Yet it still felt like she'd spent hours staring at variations of her own face and trying not to say anything.

"Sunset?" Rarity hissed from next to her. "A word?"

With a thought and a faint glimmer of her headgem, Sunset cast a privacy screen around their group. "We're inaudible to the crowd. What's up?"

"At some point, either you'll have to give an opinion, or you'll give everyone here a coronary." Rarity swept a hand across the third—fourth?—room full of unwanted tributes to Sunset's magnificence. The glances at the group and overall atmosphere had taken on more of a nervous air now that Sunset was paying attention to them. "Every artist here wants to know what you think and so far, none of them do!"

"Rarity, I can't tell them what I... Oh." Sunset was vaguely aware of her spell collapsing as she lost her concentration. Most of her thoughts had centered on the sculpture standing in front of her, now visible as the last stragglers moved out of her way.

Fluttershy covered her mouth with her hands. "Oh my."

Rainbow Dash blushed, averted her eyes, then frowned as she considered the plaque next to the statue. "Uh, I don't think that statue's showing off good handwriting."

That broke Sunset's horrified fascination like a slap to the face. "What?"

"I'm guessing 'Occasus' means 'Sunset,' but the other part sounds like that one thing Twilight said when I dared her to tell me your sexiest trait."

The second slap Sunset could've done without. She turned to Twilight. "What?"

"We'd been arguing Daring Do headcanon. Tempers ran high." Blushing, Twilight cleared her throat. "And, uh, that isn't what 'callipygian' means."

"Well, yeah. Have you seen Sunset's handwriting? You can tell she's had hooves most of her..." Dash trailed off. Probably because, like Sunset, none of the others could quite make eye contact with her. Or the statue. "What?"

"Er. Well." Twilight adjusted her glasses. "You see, Rainbow, 'Occasus Callipyge' means, ah, 'Sunset of the beautiful... buttocks.'"

"Oh." Dash looked back at the statue, which portrayed Sunset and a length of cloth artfully draped about her person. It was definitely art; otherwise they wouldn't have let it into the gallery. "Oh. Yeah, that makes a lot more sense."

And Twilight's mouth kept running, the distant look in her eyes telling Sunset how she was seeking refuge in trivia. “It can also mean death or ruin… of the beautiful buttocks.”

Sunset cracked her knuckles. “Oh, they’re going to think death or ruin.”

Rarity gasped. "Sunset, you mustn't!"

The rage held for a few more moments before Sunset sighed and slumped. "I know. But it's nice to fantasize."

A thin, nervous crystal aspect who was pallid enough to pass for one of Pinkie's relatives approached, his scraggly, tan goatee replicating his flyaway hair in miniature. "H-has my work displeased you, O Glorious Proclaimer?"

"Look..." Sunset glanced at the statue's nameplate. "Mr. File, I don't want to sound ungrateful, but, well... I'm not really comfortable with, you know..."

"Oh. Oh!" Riffler File sank to his knees, hands clasped before him. "A thousand pardons, Holy One. I will never dare to portray You in base stone again!"

Sunset shook her head. "No, no, sculpture is fine! It's just, well..." She couldn't help but glance at the thing. "Next time you do it, could I at least be wearing pants?"

Riffler blinked blankly. "Pants."

"You know, something? So I'm not just rocking hospital gown chic?" And that was being generous, but Sunset felt bad enough as it was.

After a few more moments of staring, the sculptor nodded. "I understand, O Voice of Sanity. I will spread Your word to all and sundry at once!"

"That really isn't aaaand he's gone." Sunset sighed. "This won't end well. I wish the nameplate included his Chirper handle."

Applejack quirked an eyebrow. "Can't just pluck that outta his brain?"

"Hey, people's thoughts are their business. I already try tune out emotional states as much as I can." Sunset's bond with her friend made it much harder to close herself off from them, and crystal humans were basically living, lesser versions of the Heart, but most people had their privacy from her unless they asked otherwise. She shook her head as she thought about her brief experience with touch telepathy. "Don't know how other mes deal with that mess, and frankly, I don't want to."

"If I may," said Rarity, "I believe you were saying something about why you can't tell artists what you think?"

Sunset sucked in a breath through her teeth. "Yeah. Like I said, this won't end well. But that... thing caught me off-guard."

"True," said Twilight. "For all of us."

Pinkie giggled at that. "Yeah, it surprised you so much you've barely looked away from the statue since!"

At that, Twilight marched into the crowd, who parted before her like fog. "I have an idea. Why don't we see if someone actually put Sunset in a leather jacket?"

To Sunset's disappointment, no one had. Compared to what happened afterwards, she'd look back on that disappointment fondly.

Sunset usually spent her nights in another time zone's day, her avatars doing what they could on the other end of the world. That ranged from helping seapony and hippogriff aspects in the Seashells design amphibious settlements to morning arguments with the Académie Prançaise over which magic-related wranglicisms were acceptable additions to the Prench language.

After the art exhibition, Sunset focused on a blend of stress relief and counter-publicity with a furious marathon Dance Dance Insurrection session in Akiumara. There was something deeply cathartic about reducing life's problems to four arrows, to say nothing of stomping just shy of the machine's physical limits. Only a creeping sense of unease and concern stopped her, and only after she realized it wasn't actually hers.

The fabric of the universe wasn't unraveling, so Sunset still finished her last track before seeing what the trouble was.

A body formed itself from golden light in her warehouse home and picked up her phone just in time to see more than a dozen text and voice mail alerts from Rarity. Before Sunset could look into any of them, the phone buzzed with a fresh call.

"Sorry, Rarity. Stress relief. Didn't realize the time."

"Not to worry, darling. It's not even six, but you weren't the only one worried about last night. I fear I couldn't sleep any longer, and when I checked the news..." Rarity went silent for long enough that Sunset started feeling some of her own dread. "Well, it may be faster for you to get over here."

"Just a second." Sunset needed but a moment to trace her connection to Generosity. She appeared before Rarity less than a second later, finding the other girl wearing a bathrobe over her pajamas, sitting in her bedroom, and looking at her PC. "Okay, what's the..." Sunset looked from her friend to the article onscreen. "Oh."

WORD OF SHIMMER: PANTS ONLY
Dresses on the out, says divine figure.

Sunset took a deep breath and counted to ten. It didn't help. "You know, it's times like this where I understand why the Tree of Harmony hides in the middle of an eldritch hellwood."

"Well, we like you where you are, Sunset." Rarity sighed as her magic moved a few errant strands of hair out of her eyes and back into what remained of her coiffure after a restless night. "But I should have anticipated something like this."

Sunset nodded. "I did, but I had to say something when he asked. But people who hang on my every word are going to take any comment too far."

"Especially artists who had been waiting for feedback all night. Not that I'm blaming you, dear! I just know what it's like from their end."

After a slightly more effective deep breath, Sunset said, "So, how do we fix this? Because I get the feeling that just chirping that dresses are fine won't cut it."

"You're a major public figure, darling. You have better options than Chirper for communicating with the masses." Rarity scrolled down to the article's comment section and winced. "Thought I suppose a rapid response can't hurt."

"Right. Let me compose something real quick."

"Do you have your phone..." Rarity trailed off as the light of Sunset's headgem painted the room in gold. Looking up to confirm it was more of a formality. "Ah, I see. I can never get that spell to work."

"Most people can't. Magical API development is still deep in its infancy." Sunset fired off a last pulse of magic to send the message, then gave the monitor a worried glance. "Hopefully it'll get the point across."

"Well, it's early here, but it's getting to be a reasonable hour on the East Coast. We should see some traffic already." Rarity navigated to Sunset's Chirper page as she spoke.

(In case of technical difficulties:

Sunset Shimmer
@MagicalMayhem
Guys, there is no #skirtban. I just don't like having a statue dedicated to my bare butt.)

"Showing an impressive initial reaction."

Sunset shrugged. "Yeah, but how much of that is Digital Positivist like-bots?"

"Can't say for certain; I'm no Twilight." Rarity pulled up a word processor and began typing talking points. "If nothing else, the gist of the message should be received while we put together something a touch more professional."

"In theory."

"In theory. In practice..." Neither girl said anything, both reviewing past experiences with Shimmerists. "Well, hope springs eternal, as they say."

Sunset gave a rueful grin. "Again, in theory."

That cautious optimism lasted until that afternoon, when a spike of despair made Sunset's vision white out for a few moments. Naturally, it struck in the middle of a lunch date with Twilight in the Canterlot Mall.

Sunset had yet to find the cosmic mechanism that made nasty little coincidences like that crop up, but she was still looking.

"Sorry, Twi. I need to check on this."

"Hmm?" Twilight looked up from the remains of her second burger, already telekinetically unwrapping the third. She swallowed and floated a napkin to her lips. "Did something happen? Are you okay? I'm sorry—"

Sunset held up a hand. Even with the building headache, she couldn't help but smile. "Twilight, we've had enough dates that I can recognize your burger fugues. But I'm directly responsible for driving an innocent deep into despair, and I need to sort it out. Be back soon. Love you."

"Love you too." To her credit, Twilight kept her eyes locked on Sunset's even while holding her next victim.

A golden flash, and Sunset stood in an artist's studio. The layout wasn't too far off from that of the Carousel Boutique's back room, but beyond that, the differences abounded. Instead of reams of fabric, it had blocks of stone. Instead of daylight-simulating light bulbs, it had massive windows that overlooked a Neighpa Valley vineyard. And instead of Rarity sobbing in a chaise lounge, it had Riffler File on a barely cushioned wooden chair, burying his weeping face in his hands.

Guilt joined the sympathetic despair stabbing at Sunset's heart. She considered the sledgehammer leaning against the Occasus Callipyge, took a steadying breath, and said, "Mr. File?"

"Wha—" Riffler looked up and recoiled so violently that the chair nearly tipped over. "Your Holiness!" As the chair swung back, it dumped him out on his knees, giving him the perfect opportunity to prostrate himself before her. "Oh, please, another chance, another chance for this unworthy—"

"Please stop." Sunset squinted her eyes shut and rubbed the bridge of her nose. It wasn't like she'd be able to see through the sorrow-induced migraine anyway. "I really didn't mean to upset you this much. Or at all."

"B-but your chirp. I thought..."

"I understand that you want to show your gratitude to me through your art." Sunset would have said she didn't mind it, but even that minor strain on Honesty felt like too much right now. "I'm just not comfortable with representations of my bare body on display for all to see."

"Well, yes, but the Callipyge's symbolism hinges on your perfectly formed..." Riffler trailed off. Sunset smelled the wisps of smoke wafting off of the tips of her hair more than she felt them. "Er, suffice to say, censoring it defeats the entire purpose of the piece. S-so, I was going to... going to..." He looked at the sledgehammer and the light went out of his eyes. Literally; his body visibly clouded and dulled, the sunlight seeming to dim around him.

Sunset reminded herself to write to Princess Cadence. If dealing with crystal ponies was anything like their human analogues, especially if Cadence's own talent made their emotional emissions as much of a headache for her as they were for Sunset, she owed the princess more than just an apology. At least she was getting used to the pain. "I'm not asking you to destroy your work, Mr. File."

He turned to her, looking for all the world like a sad kitten made of milky quartz. "Aren't you, O Glorious Proclaimer?"

"Look, I admit that most of my own artistic experience involves spray paint or Rarity, but you can probably find some way to rework the concept." If nothing else, Sunset's ascension had made her a lot better at planning on the fly. Between blinks, she'd found a potential solution. "Heck, I'll regrow the marble for you if you want to start over."

"Regrow the..." Riffler's body stayed dim, but he did come out of his slump as he considered the sculpture. "That's possible?"

Sunset held back most of her response, but she still answered in a monotone. "We had the one-year anniversary of the change last month, sir."

Riffler didn't answer for a few moments, but Sunset could feel the emotional tumult in his heart, guilt and hope and fear roiling like a hurricane. Finally, he sighed and bowed his head, still not facing her. "I wouldn't want to take up your valuable time."

"Would it help if I called in a friend of a friend instead?" After a moment, Sunset added, "Well, more a sister of a friend, but still."

That at least got him to turn and look at her out of the corner of an eye. "You would do that? For me?"

"Of course." Sunset really did hate to see someone made this upset by her own actions. And Honesty didn't demand full disclosure on any other reasons.

Riffler's body brightened up in a flash of renewed artistic vigor. "It would be an unparalleled honor!"

"Great!" Sunset said with a grin. "I'll set it up."

"You're not setting up anything."

Sunset crossed her arms, matching the scowl of the young woman on the other side of the coffee table. "You know, it's funny. I could've sworn I asked Marble."

Crystal aspects were open books for Sunset. Most people exhibited a faint aura if she got close enough. But Limestone Pie was as emotionally transparent as a slab of bedrock, even if glaring daggers at Sunset provided some hints. "And I could've sworn we're not your happy little helpers who only exist to do you favors."

"But—"

"But nothing!" Limestone slammed a fist on the table like the Pies' family room was a courtroom, with her as the judge and the numerous Pie family photos behind her as the jury. Her suit definitely helped with the image. "You've said it yourself, Shimmer, you're not a god. When you say jump, I say 'Screw you.'"

"Duly noted. Frankly, that kind of atittude would be refreshing in other circumstances. But I wasn't asking y—"

"I don't care who you're talking to! As long as Mom and Dad are on that second honeymoon in Carlsbuck Caverns, I'm in charge of this family and its assets, and that includes Marble. And I say she's not getting involved in whatever ridiculousness you've got planned. We hear plenty about what you get up to from Pinkie, and I want no part of it."

"Limestone."

From anyone else, the sheer amount of rage in that glare might have physically stung. "What?"

Sunset just smiled. "Consider the source."

After a few moments of silent stewing, Limestone sat up from her chair and started pacing. "You have seen what she's gone through with Ruby Rose."

"That isn't typical for us. Pretty sure that's just Pinkie being Pinkie to Pinkie."

Limestone stopped midstep and tried to pin Sunset down with a glare. "And the coma?"

"I should've known that was the issue here." Sunset stood as well. She was a few inches shorter than Limestone, but still met her eyes without hesitation. "I just want Marble's help with an art project. One I'm not even directly involved in. No psychic magic, no mental splinters, not even any necessary Internet access. If you let me set up a spacial gate in her room, I won't even have to ferry her back and forth."

Limestone huffed out a breath, tapping her foot against the floor. "Is she at least getting paid?"

Sunset shrugged. "You'll have to take that up with Riffler File."

"Oh, I will." Limestone bent her neck back and forth, producing some alarming cracks. "If some jerk thinks he's going to get free labor out of a Pie on my watch, he's got another thing coming."

"Doesn't Pinkie—"

"How long have you known her?" Limestone rolled her eyes. "Pinkie's always the exception."

Sunset risked a small smile as she nodded. "Fair enough."

"You know," said Sunset, "I think this actually worked out quite nicely."

Twilight stayed silent as they walked through Canterlot Park, magically disguised to avoid the sort of thing Sunset had been dealing with a few days before. Indeed, Twilight was so emphatically silent that Sunset could barely hear herself think.

"Putting aside the part where I never came back to the date," she amended.

"I have little right to complain when someone else gets caught up in a project, but it was still annoying." Twilight gave Sunset a sidelong glance. "Also, you know you've jinxed yourself, right?"

"Really? You of all people." Sunset waited. Twilight just held her expression. "I never thought you'd be superstitious, Twi."

"This isn't superstition. It's pattern recognition. Watch, some subconscious process of yours dedicated to keeping you humble will—"

"Text alert!" cried Pinkie's voice.

Sunset looked away before she could see the smug look on Twilight's face. "That could be a coincidence."

"Text alert!" The recording somehow sounded more excited that time.

Sunset glanced at her phone, trying to ignore the waves of smug satisfaction wafting off of certain purple individuals. "This proves nothing."

"Well?" said Twilight.

After a sigh, Sunset passed her phone over. "See for yourself."

"Huh." Twilight considered the message and the link's thumbnail for a few a seconds. "Huh."

Sunset looked around, trying to pick which tree she would beat her head against. "Yeah."

Limestone Pie 35s ago
I'm sending you a video link, Shimmer. Remember that you're responsible for this.

A pretty young woman smiled for the news camera, microphone to her lips in a familiar studio. "Sound Bite here in Neighpa Valley with what one young artist has called a modern-day miracle."

The shot pulled out, revealing the couple standing next to her, along with a tarp-covered lump. Sound offered the microphone to the man. "Mr. Riffler File, what can you tell us about your experience?"

"In my moment of crisis, of doubt, of need, the Luminous Savior of All deigned to save me," he cried, eyes almost literally sparkling. "She personally came before this undeserving soul, understanding and benevolent." Riffler pulled Marble Pie back into frame despite her efforts to shuffle out of it. "And she produced this muse, this angel drawn down from her personal chorus, to aid me in my most desperate hour."

"Mmm..." Marble looked away, hands fidgeting.

"And with her aid, I have revised my masterpiece!" Riffler spun on his heel, grabbed the tarp, and pulled.

Strictly speaking, the statue's behind was clothed. There was definitely fabric over all of the socially objectionable spots. There just wasn't much excess. Including what could only be described as a callipygean cleavage window.

Granted, the finer details would only come out after dedicated frame-by-frame analysis in hours to come. In the actual footage, the cameraperson turned away less than a second after the reveal. Sound Bite herself muttered, "Oh my. Can, uh, can we show this live?"

"So know, my fellows in the arts," Riffler continued, "Sunset smiles upon we poor fools who try to capture her glory! Praise unto her!"

"Mmm..." The camera briefly panned over a mortified, furiously blushing Marble before finding its way back to the reporter.

"W-well, this has been Sound Bite with a..." Sound glanced in the direction of the statue and cleared her throat. "Truly memorable Shimmerist miracle. Back to you in the studio, Lede."

The setting was familiar to regular viewers. A largely unadorned room, with the focus on the two hosts sitting behind a folding card table. Though this time, one seemed a lot more nervous, and the other one bit of bad news away from erupting like a volcano.

Twilight cleared her throat. "H-hello, and welcome to Magical Mayhem, where we simplify the supernatural. I'm Twilight Sparkle, and the pile of simmering rage to my left is Sunset Shimmer."

Sunset grunted an acknowledgement, slumping in her chair as the embers in her hair let off thin streams of smoke.

"We've gone through four takes of the intro so far, so we're going to roll with that for the moment. But today is a very special episode. In light of the recent showcase at Crystal City's Facet Gallery, we're not doing a Fan Art Review, but a Fine Art Review!" Twilight gave a desperate grin. "Doesn't that sound like fun?"

After a deep breath that made the embers glow, Sunset gave a single nod. "Yeah. Yeah, I can do this. Let's go." She straightened up and smacked the table with both hands. "Let's freaking go!"

"Heh heh. Great..." Twilight cleared her throat as she pulled the camera back, everything briefly tinted purple as her magic covered the lens. "Joining us are special guests Rarity Belle—"

"Hello, darlings," Rarity said from Twilight's right.

"— and Rainbow Dash."

Dash gave a lazy wave from Sunset's left. "'Sup?"

"You see, a certain... trend has come to our attention. Involving Sunset. And, uh..." Twilight tugged at her collar. "Parts of her anatomy we can't show on EweTube."

"No matter how many people might wish otherwise," Sunset muttered.

"An enviable problem, darling," said Rarity.

"Look, I've been over the 'not a god' issue time and time again. The statuary isn't helping. But that isn't the elephant in the room."

Dash snorted. "Come on, Sunset, your butt isn't that big."

Sunset glared at her. "If you were any other woman, I would kill you where you sit."

"We're going to say that was a Space Trek reference," Twilight said with a plastered-on grin. "Agreed?"

"Let's go with that." Sunset rolled her eyes. "I clearly can't keep people from believing what they want."

"Let us consider the inciting incident, as it were. Riffler File's Occasus Callipyge, pre-revision." Twilight's headgem lit up again, projecting an image of the sculpture in question, though certain parts were blocked out with the EweTube demonitization icon of a dollar sign on a yellow background.

"If you don't speak Equin, that's 'Sunset of the beautiful...'" Twilight glanced at Dash and smirked. "'Handwriting.'"

That got a balled-up sheet of paper thrown at her. "Hey, you're the one who wouldn't tell me what the word meant!"

"Anyway..." Sunset shook her head. "Yeah. I am not comfortable with this. I'm fine with people thinking I'm attractive. It can even be flattering at times. But making statues dedicated to my butt is a step too far."

Dash shrugged. "What's the big deal, anyway? It's not like ponies usually wear clothes. Butts as far as the eye can see, right?"

"Look, this culture may have nudity taboos that are prudish by Equestrian standards, but it developed them for a reason. You people don't have tails, or sheathes, or groinal veils stepping in as the last line of decency." Sunset waved a finger for emphasis. "And when we changed the world, we could have implemented any or all of those! But we all agreed to keep the human form as unaltered as possible, and that meant minimizing interference in, you know, that whole region."

Rarity cleared her throat in the middle of Sunset's next emphatic gesture. "I believe we're getting off-topic."

"Right. Point is, I've abided by the local norms for almost four years. I'm used to them. And seeing people carve my ass into marble feels more than a little intrusive."

Dash rolled her eyes. "Not like there isn't porn of you online."

"At least I can pretend that doesn't exist. Heck, Gillion even set up a special Sunset-Safe Search for me so I don't even have to see it by accident. The statue was right there. Physically. And knowing that people would go to museums to look at my bare behind is just..." Sunset shuddered. "People would make pilgrimages to that kind of thing. If I can't keep them from worshiping me, I'd prefer that they at least revere my face and not any other parts of me." She rubbed her temples. "I'm sure there's a way for me to phrase that without sounding horribly vain, but I don't have the energy to think of it right now. And we are on our fifth take."

"We can always edit this part out later," said Twilight.

Rarity shook her head. "No, no, we'll never capture that candid sincerity on another go-around. And I think we've reviewed this one quite thoroughly. Next is Tea Strainer's Sunset in Pants, a rather cheeky response from across the Saddlantic."

Her illusion showed a portrait. Much like the revised Occasus Callipyge, it was technically decent. The scarlet lingerie was covering up everything it needed to and, as with the statue, very little else. Though the garters, stockings, and high heels were technically optional as well.

"I'm given to understand that this image is best appreciated with several other girls in similar outfits as Random Boots plays the saxophone," Rarity said flatly.

Twilight raised an eyebrow as she considered the painting. "'Cheeky' seems to be the right term for this one."

"We keep coming back to cheeks."

Sunset threw a ball of paper at Dash for that. "Mr. Strainer—"

"Miss," said Rarity.

"Fair, shouldn't have assumed. Miss Strainer is very clever, but I didn't mean those kinds of pants. We're in Califoalnia. And just in case hashtag-skirtban crops up again, I'm fine with any decent bottomwear." Sunset stared straight into the camera. "And by 'decent,' I mean 'street-legal.' Something you wouldn't mind seeing your mother wear."

Twilight adjusted her glasses. "You know, Dick Zigarre—"

"If we get into my thoughts on Zigarrean psychology," said Sunset, "this video's going to be half an hour long at minimum."

"I just didn't want you blindsided by Oedipus."

Everyone threw paper at Twilight for that one. Even Rarity telekinetically folded one sheet into a crane in a fraction of a second before launching it.

"And the third piece for consideration is..." Rarity hesitated for a moment. "Well, calling it fine art may be something of a stretch."

Sunset gave her a flat look. "Rarity, if you drag 'are comics art?' into this, we'll be pushing a full hour."

"Oh, I suppose."

Sunset herself provided the third illusion, several images of female figures clad in warm colors, though mostly their own orange skin. Rarity continued, "These are concept sketches from SC for a proposed appearance by Sunset in an upcoming issue of... something or other."

Dash shrugged. "Some big event they're using to justify giving everyone aspects."

"They're calling it Solar Crisis," said Sunset. "And to be clear, these are months old, I can mention them without violating an NDA, and until last week, I thought they were the worst I'd ever seen. I'll just repeat what I told the artists:

"Look. I get it. Superheroines have costumes that are half eye candy, half dares to the cosplay community. But I am a real person. I'm not going to wear a neckline that borders on a bellyline, and I'm certainly not going to build an outfit around a leotard like that. Save it for your fan art, guys."

"Really the lesson to take away from all of this, isn't it?" Rarity said as the last illusion dissipated.

Twilight nodded. "If you have to make lewd artwork of my girlfriend, don't show it off in a public space, whether that's a museum or sequential art."

Sunset gave a sharklike grin. "And that brings us to our third special guest for this episode."

An older crystal aspect man walked in from out of frame. Between his pale hair, dark suit, and ashen complexion, he looked like he'd stepped out of a black-and-white photo. Moving past Rainbow Dash on his way to the middle of the table didn't help. "Hello, everyone. I'm Court File, Riffler's father and a partner at File, Folder, & Cabinet. And, as thanks for Sunset helping my son, her acting legal counsel."

"I've had a lot of offers," said Sunset, "but it never really seemed necessary before now. Plus, the legal system and I were mostly working off of mutual non-intervention, which I hope to continue for as long as I can. I'm not going to try to get Shimmerism declared a form of harassment or anything. But I did want to see what rights I had regarding the use of my public image."

"Answers we were happy to provide," added Court File. "Sunset is far from our first celebrity client."

"I haven't claimed any misappropriations of my right of publicity. I don't want to. I also don't want to go for the nuclear option, which would be demanding licensing fees every time someone uses my icon." Sunset let the idea sink in for a few moments. "Needless to say, that would be horrible for everyone involved, especially with active worshipers who use it as a holy symbol."

She gave the camera a hard look. "But those options are there. So please, don't ruin it for everyone because you're not content with keeping your real-person porn on aberrantArt or Sunnibooru. I appreciate that there is a distinction between artistic and pornographic nudity. I don't want either applied to me where I have to look at it. I don't ask for a lot, guys, but I'm going to insist on this one."

"And that goes for the rest of us," said Dash. "I saw Seven Spirits and One Piece of Gauze at the gallery."

Rarity frowned at her. "That is not what the piece is called."

"That's what everyone's calling it."

The vlog made ripples, as they always did. Many an armchair lawyer spoke up on what was or wasn't applicable in Sunset's case, and more than one provocatively posed Sunset got spray-painted on the side of a building. But even debatably divine dictates passed out of the news cycle given time, and a few weeks later, the matter appeared to be resolved.

"You know," Sunset said during a lunch break while helping at the boutique, "in hindsight, I think that worked out well."

Fluttershy nodded, which was about as much movement as she could perform given the dress Rarity was building around her. Lunch breaks were relative at Carousel Boutique. "You need to set boundaries early, or it's that much harder to break them of bad habits later."

"Fluttershy, they're not pets, they're worshipers."

"And Ray doesn't worship you?"

After a few moments of failing to find a counterargument, Sunset crossed her arms and muttered, "At least I asked for Ray."

A tinkling like wind chimes got Rarity to float her phone up to her face. "Oh dear. Sunset?"

"What is it this time?" Sunset mentally braced herself as best she could. It probably wouldn't help, but it couldn't hurt.

"I fear a pendulum may have swung too far the other way." Rarity turned the device so Sunset could see a picture of her on TackNotice, and the comments thereon.

sunguardian85
You dare! You dare post an image of the Most Divine Form so shamefully exposed!? Have you no decency? Do your base animal lusts so govern you that even the sublime must be reduced to meat for you to slaver over? Delete this at once and never, never so much as draw a stick figure again, and if you are lucky, she might spare your worthless life!

candidchameleon
This is a photo. That's what Sunset is wearing right now.

sunguardian85
Heresy! YOU CAN SEE THE HOLY ANKLES!

Sunset thought about that for a few moments. She couldn't help but smile, even as she facepalmed. "You people are idiots."

"Yes, darling," said Rarity, likewise grinning. "But I fear we're your idiots."

Author's Note

Thundereggs aren't all agates, but that's one of the best crystal pony OC names I've ever seen.

The Seashells are an island chain off the coast of eastern Zebrica, and yes, one of them was dubbed Mount Aris by Stirropean explorers while they were navigating the Hindian Ocean.

Credit to Tweetgen for Sunset's chirp.

The story of Pinkie's coma is largely still unwritten, but I don't think it's too much of a spoiler to say that she does wake up.

And I'm aware that I grossly oversimplified the legal matters involved. I'm not exactly planning on courtroom drama with this continuity.