Lyra knew she was one of the sneakiest ponies in all of Equestria.

How could she not be? She’d beaten every Maretel Gear Solid game. She had even won a game of hide and seek.

Once.

Against foals.

But foals had sharp eyes!

Anyway, Lyra loved to be sneaky. One of her favorite pranks was to pop out of some bush or dark corner unexpectedly, to the surprise of her friends. She loved to hear their screams and shouts; sometimes she could even shock them enough to get them to faint!

Sure, her friends were the flower-store trio, and they screamed, shouted, and fainted if a stiff breeze brushed their manes the wrong way… but it was still fun!

She was currently trying to expand her repertoire of surprise victims. It could get a bit repetitive knocking out Lily, Roseluck and Daisy every afternoon. She wanted to make even the most stoic of ponies squeal: her roommate and marefriend, Bon Bon.

That was why she was in her roommate’s closet.

Despite the high regard in which she held her own talents, Lyra’s clandestine sneaking expertise actually… needed work.

For instance, Lyra had neglected to keep the bottom of her mint-green tail from peeking out beneath the slightly-ajar closet door. Lyra was still emitting a dim glow from the end of her horn to keep a soft green light in the dark closet. She hated the pitch dark, surely a little light was acceptable... and even worse, Lyra was chuckling aloud to herself, unable to contain her amusement at her own surreptitious superfluousness.

“Hee hee hee! Lyra you sly little snake, you’re going to get Bonny so good this time!” She clapped a hoof over her goofily grinning muzzle, unable to contain her mirth. The last time she’d tried to surprise Bon Bon it had been this inability to restrain her laughter that had given her away. Bon Bon had walked right up to her hiding spot behind the front window curtains and theatrically drawn her cover away, affixing her with a deadpan, disappointed shake of her head.

Lyra never could understand how Bonny always managed to find her — she must have some special ‘finding’ talent. It was the only explanation.

Sure, there were rumors that floated around Ponyville that Bon Bon had a secret past, like a special agent or a super-spy.

Lyra had heard them first-hoof while performing musical gigs and the homes of the town’s elite unicorns. Many of Canterlot’s powerful families kept summer-cottages in Ponyville’s idyllic provincial countryside — cottages that dwarfed even Sweet Apple Acres in terms of acreage. Lyra’s famed harp performances were a must-experience on the to-do lists of the wealthy coming down from the mountain during their summer and spring retreats. That was where she’d heard, amongst the cocktail parties and banquets she’d be working at, that Bon Bon seemed to be somewhat recognized by the outsiders as a pony very similar to a mysterious pony that used to live in Canterlot, years earlier.

The same mane, cutie-mark, and fur-colors… but a different name.

Sweetie Drops.

Apparently this Sweetie Drops was often seen in the presence of the Holy Sisters themselves, even called forward in circumvention of the long audience lines to whisper into the ear of Celestia herself.

But the vacationing-nobles ascribed it to a simple case of similar appearance when Lyra had assured them that the mare they’d spotted in the town market was her roommate, Bon Bon. Surely, those nobles would scoff aloud, a pony important enough to have the royalty’s ear wouldn’t be living full-time in a backwater farming town, with a madmare of an unrefined bohemian musician as a roommate. The rumours would have died at those exclusive parties.

But Lyra loved a good gossip!

She’d quickly spread around town the possibility that her best friend was a former secret agent super-spy, with a different name, access to the most fantastical technologies, and the first line of defense for ponies as powerful as the Goddess-royals themselves!

And of course, no-pony believed her. A simple shake of her head and roll of her eyes was all that was needed from Bon Bon when Lyra would prance around threatening Roseluck and Lily that their increase in orchid prices would be met by a swift, super-secret, judo chop from her special agent marefriend.

But it was still fun to imagine nonetheless.

Lyra heard the door to their shared, two-story house open and shut rapidly, bringing her quickly back to the present.

“Bon’s back from the post-office!” Lyra squeaked aloud. Her thoughts sometimes had the tendency to bubble right out of her mouth. “Surprise-time!”

Lyra slid her butt back into the closet even further, in an attempt to conceal herself even further. Immediately she felt something a bit wet and slimy against her bottom. She gripped it with her magic, levitating whatever the strange sensation-causing object was for an inspection, hovering the weird tube-like object to her eyes in the dimness to scan the words imprinted on the side.

Cooler Co. Brand Stallion-Substitute — Style: Posh-Unicorn #3 Size: Small

“Oh, ew!” Lyra stuck her tongue out, flinging the now obvious phallus and attached reservoir away from her to land with a wet slap in the depths of Bon Bon’s closet. “You’ve gotta clean those after you use them Bonny.” Lyra took no notice of the mint-green color the estrus-symptom-relieving toy sported.

“Lyra! Lyra? Are you home?” Bon Bon’s voice echoed through the house, punctuated by the heavy clip-clop bursts of a pony trotting up the stairs onto the second floor.

“Hee hee!” Lyra whispered out one last giggle, as the hooves came down the hall and the door-latch clacked open letting Bon-bon in.

Usually, even this quiet giggle would have given the game away, and led to an early spoiling of Lyra’s attempt. But this time, Lyra could see that something was distracting her friend, a tension of nervous worry filly the mare’s face as she quickly crossed the room and drew the blinds on her windows. Lyra might have a chance to pull this off!

Bon Bon whirled around, slamming the door to her room shut and drawing the deadbolt lock across it.

It was a strange thing to see Bon do. She always made a point of leaving her bedroom door open… even her bathroom door. And she was always going on about how Lyra was welcome in her bedroom at any time. Day or night. She always made such a big deal of telling her that she was always welcome.

Lyra arched an eyebrow, gazing through the slats in the closet door as she watched the cream-colored earth-mare take a couple of calming breaths before taking a seat at her desk and pulling a silver pendant out of her saddlebags and laying it carefully on the felt desk-blotter. She leaned forward, booping her nose against the cover.

“SCANNING NOSEPRINT - SCAN ACCEPTED” A strange, robotic voice buzzed out of the piece of jewelry, before its cover popped open with a click.

BWOOSH

A magically projected wall of energy shimmered into existence from the pulsing pendant, creating a sizable magical viewscreen that hovered just above the table. After a brief moment of fuzzy static, the image quickly resolved itself into the glaring visage of a stern-faced unicorn.

That’s Twilight’s older brother, isn’t it? Lyra almost gasped, recognizing the face. Shining Armor!

And then the face began to speak, growling sternly. “Attention! ATTENTION! The following Royal Military message is a TOP SECRET level classified correspondence. It is meant only for the ears and eyes of…”

Shining paused for a moment, and the robotic buzzing voice chirped in again, “...AGENT SWEETIE DROPS.”

Before Shining began to speak again: “If you are NOT the intended part of this correspondence, you must cease viewing this message immediately. You are required by Royal Law to turn in this correspondence to your local constabulary or Royal Guard unit immediately. If you are outside of Equestria, please destroy this message via burning and report this incident via express air-post to the Equestrian Royal Military Academy. Continuing to view this TOP SECRET classified correspondence if you are not...

Once again, the robotic voice piped up, “...AGENT SWEETIE DROPS.”

“...is a serious offence and will be punished to the fullest penalty permitted under Royal Authority. This warning is required by law. Thank you.”

“Tch. Still using the same disclaimer after all these years.” Lyra heard Bon Bon mutter to herself.

The bright white glow of Shining Armor’s face clicked away, as the image was quickly replaced by the actual message of the small pendant. A blue light filled the darkened room and cast small beams of light through the slats of Lyra’s chosen ‘hiding-closet’: the main message would be delivered by Princess Luna herself!

“Greetings, Agent Sweetie Drops. I apologize for the confusion thou might be experiencing at this time.” Lyra felt her eyes bulging in their sockets as she watched the famous night princess herself gaze apologetically through the magical recording. “I regret that we have not had a chance to visit in your retirement, and we are sure thou art shocked to suddenly receive a formal mission summons after so many peaceful months. However, thy reputation at the Secret Monster Intelligence League of Equestria has not been eclipsed since thy departure… and as the chief of all the Equestrian intelligence agencies, we feel the grave situation that Equestria finds itself in requires our very best agent.”

Bon Bon let out a soft sigh, muttering to herself. “Always does… never can get away from S.M.I.L.E., can I?” Bon Bon sat carefully, leaning forward to focus on the Alicorn Princess.

“So, it is with great respect and apology that we require thy return to active service. We hereby recall you to assist in the search for a potentially dangerous, heretofore unknown creature that was stolen in transport to Canterlot’s scientific facilities.” Luna nodded at the screen, folding her ears back slightly, “Thy successes in similar investigations involving new monsters particularly favoured thy assignment in this case, and we feel you are uniquely qualified for this mission.

Bon Bon was sporting a bemused grin, a smirk that implied a prideful self-satisfaction, something Lyra hadn’t ever seen before in her roommate

Luna went on, “You should know: the criminal group that snatched this monster also purloined an incredibly dangerous spell, one that my sister and I thought we’d purged from all the magical archives long, long ago…” Luna shook her head, a wave of regretful sadness passing over her features, “It allows a caster to corrupt free will, to create addictions that cannot be undone.”

A shiver went through the Alicorn, forcing her to pause for a moment to compose herself before the recording continued.

“As we are sure thou can imagine, Celestia and I have the gravest of concerns for the evils that could arise from such a spell being ‘in the wild’... out in the public domain… or even worse, in the hooves of a criminal enterprise. Therefore thou must return to Canterlot immediately to receive a full briefing.”

“Great.” Bon Bon grumbled. “I thought this was going to be about a monster…”

Luna suddenly looked to her right, clearly being addressed by somepony just outside the recording field of view. “Ah, yes. I understand Twilight.” Luna nodded, re-centering her focus so that she was addressing the middle of the recording, “Agent Drops, Princess Twilight Sparkle informs us that calling the purloined creature a monster might be inappropriate… apparently, she has had some personal experience with these so-called ‘humans’-”

Humans!?

The world was like a firecracker going off in Lyra’s ears. The spectacle unfolding her had been interesting before — now she couldn’t contain herself.

“I knew they were real!” The half-muffled shout of pure-joy burst from her.

In an instant, Bon Bon exploded to her hooves, whirling to face the closet, her tail raised up in shocked alarm, her whole frame couched with powerful tension, ready to spring out at the sudden intrusion.

Luna’s recording went on, immune to the sudden change in the atmosphere, “— but we suggest that you treat these humans as you would any dangerous monster until the situation is fully under contr —”

No!

*BAM!*

Lyra slammed the closet doors open with a powerful blast of her telekinesis. In two fast strides, she crossed the room, a ferocious scowl on her face as she slammed her forehooves on either side of the pendant and bellowed at the projection of the Princess, as if expecting a reply. “HUMANS ARE PEACEFUL, NOT DANGEROUS YOU DUMMY!”

The pre-recorded message of the Lunar sovereign continued unperturbed., “— forward to seeing you in person, Agent Drops. Princess Luna, signing out.” The recording sucked itself back into the pendant, which began to glow a bright red with the absorbed magical energy, quickly vanishing in a puff of self-annihilating magic.

Lyra was furious, her teeth set together in her clenched jaw, staring at the small scorch on the desk where the pendant had been a moment before. It was almost like the Princess had left at that moment on purpose, retreating from the debate like a coward.

Lyra turned toward her roommate, looking for support regarding the Princess’s obviously incorrect opinion. “Bonny, can you believe what she was saying about humans? Calling them mons- HEY! Oof!”

Lyra felt the wind driven out of her gut as Bon Bon moved more swiftly than she thought a pony could move, gripping her left fore-hoof and twisting it behind her back as she slammed Lyra’s chest into the desk, pinning her and driving her face into the blotter. Just as quickly, Bon Bon’s other hoof snagged Lyra’s horn, gripping it tightly around the base squelching it preemptively to prevent any magic from being cast.

“Lyra Heartstrings, you are hereby under arrest for espionage, breaking the Royal Record Classification law, and violations of the HAYTRIOT act!” Bon Bon’s shout was loud enough to make Lyra’s ears ache, as the strong earth mare kicked her rear hooves further apart on the floor, spreading Lyra’s stance too wide for her to possibly free herself from the submission hold she’d been placed in.

“Oof,” Lyra tried to move oxygen back into her lungs, despite the immense pressure being forced against them. “Take it easy Bon Bon!” Lyra groaned, before her friend pressed her even harder into the desk.

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a Royal Military Tribunal… Lyra… just what the BUCK were you thinking!?” Bon Bon barked angrily.

“What? I just wanted to surprise you!” Lyra whined, out of the corner of her muzzle not being ground into the felt of the desk’s blotter. “How was I supposed to know you were going to do some super-secret spy agency shenanigans!?”

“Lyra! Did you not hear the warning? That was a top-secret message! You’re going to be going to jail for like… fifteen years for this!” Bon Bon growled into Lyra’s ear, even as she twisted the unicorn’s wrist, putting more pressure on the joint.

“Ow ow ow ow! Fifteen years!?” Lyra squeaked, “But why? It’s not my fault you let me sneak into your room without your permission to overhear a secret message!”

“What!?”

“Seriously, I blame Luna… can’t she do fancy-pancy alicorn stuff like dream-walking? Why not talk to you there? Totally not my fault. Typical princesses.”

“Lyra, I… can’t even…” Bon Bon’s grip slackened slightly.

“Besides, this is a good thing! I can help! I know all about the humans… nopony knows more about human-nanity than me! I’m the head of the Equestrian Human Enthusiasts Society!”

“Lyra… you’re the only member of the Human Enthusiasts Society…” Bon Bon’s deadpan, exasperated voice replied.

“Nuh-uh, Twinkles joined last week!”

“Twinkles is a cat. And not one of those talking cats.”

“Still counts!”

“No, it doesn’t.”

Lyra huffed, “Well, Twilight came to a couple meetings too a while back. She only left because she complained my very scientific drawings were ‘overly-erotic’, ‘focused on lurid body parts’, and ‘fetishistic regarding hands to a fault’.” Lyra adopted a cloying, falsetto tone when mimicking Twilight’s remarks.

“Twilight’s probably right… I’ve seen your sketchbooks, Lyra.”

“Pft,” Lyra grumbled into the desk. “She thinks she’s such a big shot, just ‘cuz she sprouted two wings a couple years back. I still say they oughta check that they’re not just tumors.”

“Lyra!”

“What!? Tumors could have feathers! I’m just saying!”

Bon Bon eased up her pinning body-slam slightly, letting Lyra lift her chin off the desk. “Just… shut it Lyra, I have to turn you in to the guard, then get to Canterlot.”

“W-wait!” Lyra chirped, as she wriggled in her friend’s unflinching grasp. “Couldn’t you, um… deputize me? Then I could help, and it wouldn’t be like I broke the law!”

“No. Lyra, that… that isn’t even a thing. Now just be quiet until you can get a lawyer to help get you out of this.”

“Oh, like those Pawl Hoofman commercials? Better call Pawl!” Lyra chirped with a giggle.

“No.” Bon Bon sighed, as she began to bind Lyra’s hooves with a tassel from her curtains, a reasonable enough replacement for hoofcuffs in this case. “A good lawyer.”

“Bonny…” Lyra’s giggle continued into a playful purr. “What’s up with this pose and those bindings? Shouldn’t you at least buy me dinner first?” She shot her roommate with an eye-waggle. She couldn’t help but tease Bon-Bon about this sort of stuff — to date, it was the only way she’d ever found to crack through her roommate’s otherwise stoic exterior.

Once again, it seemed to have the desired effect. Lyra watched a flush of embarrassed color rush into the earth mare’s cheeks, and suddenly the grip she had been holding her so tightly with eased off considerably.

It was cute — Lyra never knew why Bon Bon flustered so easily when she teased her; it wasn’t like she ever had any trouble shrugging off advances from stallions at the local salt bar. Once she started, she couldn’t stop herself though: a cutely-embarrassed Bon Bon was the best Bon Bon.

“So Bonners, are you gonna be the good cop? Or the bad cop?” Lyra chuckled, wiggling her rear end back against Bon Bon as she put a little extra spice into her words.

“Sh-shut up, Lyra!” Bon Bon mumbled out, sweating. Her eyes darted from side to side. “Y-you’re in a lot of trouble, you know.”

“Oh my, Officer Bonners… trouble? Whatever can I do to get you to forgive me?” Lyra wiggled her rear again, adopting her best puppy-dog and bedroom-eyes gaze, sticking her tongue out of the side of her mouth as she flicked her tail.

“L-lyra… pft… ha, ha ha ha!” Bon Bon started to giggle, then laugh, releasing her hooves and stepping away to sit on the edge of her bed, shaking her head slightly and clearing tears from her eyes. “You are such a dork.”

Lyra couldn’t help but smile and laugh along with her friend, plopping down next to her on the bed. She loved to see her best friend giggling — she wished she could make her do it more.

“Hee hee hee, you know, Lyra… you’re a very special pony.” Bon Bon sighed, her laughter trailing off. Her big blue eyes fixed on Lyra’s face, staring deep into her. Lyra smiled back, though she could see something in her friend’s face — a seriousness, along with a hesitation, like she had something really big on her chest that she wanted to let out.

“L-lyra… I, uh, I really really… l-l-o…love you...”

“Huh? What did you say?”

“I said, uh… I just can’t stay angry at you, you big goofball.” Bon Bon glanced away, coughing into her hoof to clear her throat. “Now, I’ve got to get to Canterlot to get further instructions. And you’ve got to stay here and lay low until I can convince Luna not to imprison you.”

Lyra clopped her hooves together in excitement while letting out a little squee, “Yes! Does this mean I’m your deputy secret agent?”

“NO.” Lyra felt Bon Bon take her by the shoulders, turning her to face her and fixing her with a serious gaze. “Lyra, you are not a deputy. You are not helping with this investigation. You are not going to leave this house until I’m back from Canterlot, understand?”

“B-but… I can help! I can be discrete!”

Bon Bon touched one of her temples with a hoof — it almost looked to Lyra like her roommate was nursing a migraine, “The last thing I need is you running around town, being ‘discrete’. Just… just promise me you’ll stay at home and not think about humans for a couple of days, OK?”

Humans.

Humans!

HUMANS!!!

“Lyra? What’s wrong? Why did you go all quiet all of a sudden?”

Lyra mumbled, her brain softly rebooting, neurons re-arranging as they tried to piece back together the present scene she found herself in. “I-I… almost forgot because you were arresting me… but… humans. Humans are real.” Lyra jumped up on all fours on Bon Bon’s bed.

“Lyra!?”

“I KNEW IT! HUMANS ARE REAL!” Lyra bellowed at the top of her lungs, certainly loud enough to shake the walls and make the windows rattle as she started jumping up and down, dodging Bon Bon’s attempts at restraining her. “REAL HUMANS. HUMANS REAL! There’s a real human out there Bon Bon!”

“Shhh! Shh! What happened to discreti-”

Lyra jumped off the bed, nearly taking a face plant but managing to stumble back onto her hooves as she raced over to the nearest window, unlatching it and throwing the panes open. “HEY LILY! I TOLD YOU HUMANS WERE REAL, AND NOW I’VE GOT PROO-mmmppph!”

“Hey! Discretion. Discretion, Lyra!”

“Mmmgnh mghhhgfl mgrrl!” Lyra complained through Bon Bon’s hoof.

“Sorry, what was that?”

“I said: You don’t have to worry, it’s not like anypony ever believes me anyway.” Lyra motioned with her hoof to the square where Lily was trotting away, rolling her eyes and shaking her head. Well, she was a drag anyway; no great loss to see her go.

“Huh. I guess that’s true, isn’t it? You are shouting out loud about humans most days… not much has really changed, has it?” Bon Bon appeared to be mulling something over, tapping her hoof against her chin. “Well, I guess I can leave you under house arrest while I go to Canterlot, for now.”

“Alright! No jail cell and hoofcuffs for Lyra!” She pumped her hoof triumphantly. She’d seen her fair share of the local Ponyville constabulary cell. It wasn’t like she meant to spend so many evenings there, but tying one on with Berry Punch and going human-hunting every full moon (her current working theories indicated that humans were particularly connected to lunar cycles, like werewolves) was just so much fun!

“Ah ah!” Bon Bon immediately scolded with that frown of hers that Lyra hated. “No human talk, or else!”

Lyra whimpered. This was the chance she’d always waited for being squandered! All her life she’d wanted to show everypony that humans were real, and now she had real evidence and she wouldn’t be able to share it? Was it just her lot to be the town madmare? It wasn’t fair!

“B-but… nopony will ever believe me! That’s… that’s just not fair!”

“No buts!”

“Bon Bon… I… I just…” Lyra sniffled, this time with some genuine sadness as she reflected on her unenviable lot, “...I’ve just always somepony to believe in me.”

Bon Bon let out a sigh, looking at her with eyes that finally seemed to soften. Lyra knew that look. It meant that she was finally through the stormy anger of her friend’s annoyed, grumpy fury. She wished she could figure out what it was she did to trick Bonny into switching to that loving, overly-friendly mode.

Bon Bon surged forward and wrapped Lyra in a hug, squeezing hard enough to make her barrel ache. “Lyra, you goof. I believe in you. Even more now.”

Lyra sighed herself, wrapping her friend up and returning her affection. “I know that Bonners. I’ve always known that. I just wish it didn’t feel like I only had one pony in my corner, is all.”

Bon Bon began to disentangle herself from the hug. “I have to run to catch the noon Canterlot Express… Lyra-” Bon Bon seemed to consider something, mulling a thought for a moment as she chewed her cheek before continuing, “...or should I say best-est friend and deputy Lyra.”

Deputy!?

Lyra felt her ears perk straight up even as her heart pounded with excitement, her body reacting physically to the rush of happiness even faster than her thoughts could form. A wide smile beamed across her features, her tail thumped like a dog that had been told it was time for walkies, and a comical, cartoony squee slipped from her muzzle.

“Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh! Bon Bon, does that mean I can help with the inve-”

“AHEM. Deputy of staying home for the next five days and not going outside.” Bon Bon quickly clarified, her grumpy frown and knowing glance returning. With a whirl she reached under her bed and grabbed a duffel bag, seemingly pre-packed.

Lyra blinked, realizing she’d just been had. Staying in their home for the next five days would suuuuuuuck! Although, ordering pizza for five days straight might not be so bad… Wait, Bonny was already leaving!

“Hey! NOT COOL, BONNY! NOT COOOOOOL!” Lyra shouted at the blur of motion that had been her friend as she zipped out of the room and down the stairs in less than a heartbeat, the door slamming behind her. She always was so good at making a quick exit.

“Awww nuts,” Lyra grumped, slamming a hoof down on the floor. “It’s not like a deputy can refuse an order from their deputy-izer! I don’t want to be stuck at home for five whole days sitting on my butt.”

Lyra trotted out of Bon Bon’s room, gathering her wits as she crossed the hallway and went into her own bedroom. “Although, the thing is about deputization — you are entrusting your deputy to use their best judgment to make critical decisions on the fly.”

She trotted through the chaotic mess of discarded clothes, papers, books and litter that so starkly contrasted the neat and tidy room she’d just left as she walked toward her walk-in closet.

“And I am the world’s foremost expert on humans… there might be some critical clues that I could pick up on if I’m out there looking.” She pulled open her closet door. Inside, unlike the mess that was her room, was a perfectly organized secret chamber… or as she likes to call it: ‘the Main Archives of the Equestrian Human Society’.

Instead of clothes and horseshoes, books lined all the shelves. One wall was covered with carefully organized and sketched technical drawings and anatomical references (mostly of hands and phalluses). In another corner was a desk and typewriter, filled with typed half-finished pseudoscientific research papers on human society. Another wall was a map of Equestria, covered with small push-pins and strings, garnished here and there with half-scribbled notes on sticky-papers and blurry photographs.

“If there’s anypony in Equestria who qualified to conduct an investigation on a human, it’s Deputy Lyra Heartstrings. Bon Bon needs me to do this!” Lyra nodded to herself, now fully convinced that she couldn’t constrain herself to the household for five days… not just for her sake, or Bon Bon sake… but for the sake of the world. “...besides, like Bon Bon said… It's not like my poking around about humans will be out of the ordinary to anypony in town!”

She was a deputy, after all!

Author's Note

Author’s Note: I love this version of Lyra! If nothing else, Cloppy can write a lovable buffoon, am I right? Bon Bon is solid as well, and the HAYTRIOT ACT joke got a genuine laugh from me during my edit. If there’s a better version of Bon out there, I haven’t read about her yet — exactly as she was portrayed in “Slice of Life”.

That’s about all I have to say about this one. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time reiterating myself. It’s a nice introduction to our main protagonists with well-layered hints of events to follow.

I’ll have a whole hell of a lot more to say about chapter three. That was my biggest contribution to the entire endeavor!

Sincerely horse,

AJ Aficionado - Editor