*****

A moment passed, as the bouncing jingle of harness-bells that had jumped from the sheer velocity of the door slam calmed, finally leaving the store in a becalmed silence.

“Well,” Pill Popper began with a sympathetic sigh, “I do apologise for that Miss, there are some ponies in this town that I swear would be far more agreeable if they were on lithium… perhaps even clozapine. But I’m only a pharmacist!”

“Hm.” The mare seemed to be staring off at the departed Lyra. Understandable, considering the scene that she’d just played out.

Popper took the huge estrus-suppressant bottle off of the counter, “Anyway, you said you had supplies you needed to pick up?” He reached forward and carefully plucked the hoof-written note out of the mare’s grasp, eyes scanning down the list she’d penned.

“Oh-? Oh yes, I do… sorry, I was just thinking about that mare.” The earth-mare shook her head, rousing herself from some deep focus-filled thinking. “Just who was that… agent?”

“Oh, that was Lyra Heartstrings. I wouldn’t worry about her she’s ju-... Ah, hm.” Pill Popper paused as his keen eyes picked out some rather dubious chemicals on the mare’s request. “The meat-replacement meal potions I can fill easily… but I’m afraid some of these chemicals are controlled substances, Miss. I can’t actually issue them to you without a pharmacist’s registration number and name-”

“453666 Blackheart. Researcher Blackheart.”

“...so, overall, the prognosis is still quite negative, Princess.” The Royal Physician whispered, looking gravely down at his chart as he briefed Luna and Bon Bon. “He’s barely responding to any of our medications, magics, or potions. We’ve started therapy, but the sessions can barely begin before he becomes entirely despondent. I’m very sorry.” He bowed and stepped back to the table outside the cell’s door.

Bon Bon nervously swallowed. She’d never heard of a curse or spell that couldn’t be reversed by the intercession of the Princesses. It was a nice comfort when on missions against arch-criminal masterminds and eldritch horrors to know that being turned into a mushroom while on-duty for the country was no death sentence. To hear that there was something so corrupt that even the princesses couldn’t help… Not good.

“Princess Luna, I don’t understand. Isn’t there some way that you or your sister could reverse the spell? Perhaps the elements?”

“No, Agent Drops.” Luna’s face was grim. “The insidious nature of these spells is such that there is nothing to undo. Black magic of this sort overwrites whatever once existed of our noble captain. The pony he was is gone. Forever.” Luna’s eyes glistened, hard and sad, as she stared into the cell.

Bon Bon’s heart jumped a beat in fear. “But… could we perhaps recover the spell, and use it again to ‘reset’ Captain Stalwart to be back in love with his wife and daughter?”

Luna’s sad eyes flared, her wings stiffened with astonishment and she wheeled on Bon Bon, casting an angry glare that pierced right through her. “We would caution you to cease this line of thinking, Agent Drops. Two wrongs shall never make a right.”

Bon Bon frowned. She hated trite responses to complex questions, particularly when they came from the wise and ancient. “But… in this case… it could, couldn’t it? I mean, we simply overwrite his love for this criminal with a l-”

*Thwap*

A stiff slap of Luna’s left wing across Bon Bon’s muzzle shocked her, though it had been delivered with just the right force so as to not cause pain. “Enough! You would have us destroy yet another free destiny in the hopes that the new one created is better? Who art thou to decide that the fate of the Stalwart in that cell is worthy only of destruction?”

Bon Bon stammered, still stunned by the physical slap she had just received. “I-I… I didn-”

“There have been many times, Agent Drops, where we could have changed the natural fate of a pony with force. Where we could have twisted the natural destiny of somepony with the raw power of black magic. When we were young and foalish, there were many times we actually did.” Luna turned away, tears forming in her eyes. “Forcing such black changes against the Creator’s will… one destroys fates, lives, the harmony of the Eternal Worldsong. And all because one is so arrogant as to think they know the Truth of the world.”

“I didn’t understand…” Bon Bon mumbled, looking down at her hooves. It was clear that she was well out of her depth with respect to the potency and effects of the spell.

“How could one know if the Creator’s will was not for a fallen fate to find redemption on its own? Or to allow some other fate to light the way by triumphing over the evil? How dare one rob the world of such intricacies?” Luna shook her head, and turned back to face Bon Bon. “And once we started, why should we stop with criminals and the disturbed? Why not also change the fate of liars and the immoral? Change the fate of the disrespectful and disobedient… write a forced happiness into the very fabric of the world? THAT is how tyrants form, Agent Drops.”

“S-sorry.”

“Believing one can exceed the Design of the Creator’s Worldsong is the height of hubris, my little pony. We know this personally.” Luna shook her head with her eyes closed, as if remembering something too terrible to behold. “Our world needs individual free-will, not black-magic-wielding sorceresses… even those with the best of intentions.” Her wings shuffled and resettled along her barrel, just as Bon Bon caught the last of a mumble from her muzzle. “The darkness of the Moon needs the Sun, forgive me, sister.”

Bon Bon hesitated, not wanting to ask the next question for fear of yet more reprisals… and because she really did feel like she was totally out of her depth when talking about the nature of fate, destiny, and the will of the Creator herself with an immortal alicorn. Yet, she had to know.

Bon Bon’s stubbornness was world-renowned, after all.

“But… there are some ponies, some ‘fates’ that I do think should be destroyed. I’ve put some of them into this very prison.

“Do you truly think so?” Luna coldy intoned, her whole presence seeming to grow larger and more terrifying, crackling energy seeming to surge through the down-barbs of her feather, her mane beginning to hover and roil. “Verily, many there are… those who deserve death, yet still live.”

“Ah… uhm…” Bon Bon stammered, bending in her knees instinctively, for whatever good an attempt at dodging could do for her against an Alicorn. The fear the Night Princess could summon at whim was oppressively powerful, even for a seasoned agent like her.

“But there are even more, Agent Drops… who deserve life, and yet died.” The whites of Luna’s sclerae seemed to fill with the blackness of the night-sky, a terrifying void that surrounded her deep blue eyes. “We knew many ponies, so robbed. Can you give that life back to them?”

“No.” Bonnie shook her head sadly. A wave of emotion came over her as the names and faces of fellow agents that had fallen in the line of duty, some in her own arms, dredged forth from her memories through the almost-cosmic pull of Luna’s gaze. The whole hallways seemed to be getting vaster and vaster, time and space expanding outward. The lights seemed to dim and fade, leaving only an interminable black void surrounding Luna and herself. “I can’t.”

“Then do not be so quick to give death and destruction, young Agent,” Luna sighed.

In less than a moment, the terrifying veil of power drained away. Suddenly Luna’s eyes were back to those soft, beautiful pools, her wings and body had returned to their normal size. The lights had blazed back to luminescents and the very time-space fabric and dimension of the hall had normalized — and yet Bon Bon felt as though nothing had really changed. Had it all been in her head?

“Forgive us, young one.” Luna smiled kindly. “We know you mean well, which is why we care enough to prevent you from making our terrible mistakes. But you have candor, and courage, Agent Drops. Noble qualities.”

“I’m sorry, Princess.”

“No further apologies, Agent. Not from either of us.” Luna caressed Bon Bon’s still-stinging cheek with her wing, tenderly. “We must attend to the Captain, support him without destroying him a second time.”

“I understand.”

Luna nodded, pushing open the door and motioning Bon Bon to enter. Upon entering the dim cell, a pleasant perfume of vanilla tickled her nostrils: coming from a nearby brazier loaded with a calming scented candle. Pleasant sounds drifted into her ears, a mixture of relaxing classical music and the white noise of waves crashing on a beach, piped into the chamber through speakers that had been installed into the padded walls of the cell. To one side was a comfortable bed with magically non-removable sheets and pillows, covered in books that seemed to be abandoned by the reader only a few pages in.

Soft, mumbling sobs interrupted her inspection, drawing her eye immediately to the furthest padded corner.

There sat the formerly noble guard-pony Captain, his face pressed into the joint between the two walls. He was wearing a straitjacket with the overly-long sleeves buckled behind his back, totally restraining his fore-hooves. Over his horn was a magical constriction ring, affixed comfortably with a pad but still preventing the stallion from doing anything more than moving about with his hind-legs.

She walked in tentatively, approaching the mumbling pony carefully, as if she were approaching a wild animal. Luna watched from just inside the door, also keeping her distance but ready to spring should the need arise.

“H-hello there? Captain Stalwart?” Bon Bon called, softly.

There was no reaction from the pony, still shuddering and mumbling, his shoulders heaving up and down as he did so. For some reason, it was even more terrifying having him facing away.

“Captain?” Bon Bon carefully reached out with a free hoof to touch the former guardpony’s shoulder.

At her touch, he jerked upright, as if startled. His head shot up taut with the fast reactions of a trained guardspony in a combat situation.

Bon Bon pulled her hoof back like she’d touched a hot skillet, her knees instantly bracing to spring away…

But then he slowly turned toward Bon Bon, revealing a tired face which had clearly seen better days. The fur under his eyes was dark and tear-stained, heavy rings of sunken flesh that showed he had been filling his sleepless nights with long bouts of crying. Even now, little rivers of tears slipped from his eyes, and snot trailed from his nose.

Truly pitiable and pathetic.

The Captain came to his senses, realizing that he had company… and that one of his guests was a Princess. He struggled to wipe his face with the shoulder of his straitjacket while rising to hooves, stumbling as he did so and falling into one of the padded walls.

“A-at ease, Captain.” Luna stammered. Bon Bon noticed that even she seemed upset by the poor Stallion’s state. “Please, remain comfortable.”

“H-hello?” He croaked, wobbling on his hooves as he braced himself against the wall. “I-I’m so sorry, Princess.” His voice wavered between a sob and a whisper, “I-I’m sorry I’m in such a state — I-I can’t control myself.” He took a shuddering breath, his diaphragm hitching as if it were about to break into a fresh round of crying.

Bon Bon smiled kindly at him, returning her hoof to his shoulder to reassuringly stroke it. Here was a fellow servant of the Crown, a comrade in arms. A fallen comrade in arms.

“It’s OK, Stalwart. I’m Special Agent Sweetie Drops, from S.M.I.L.E.” She spoke calmly and softly, “I’m here on behalf of Princess Luna. I don’t want to take up any of your time… recuperating, I just wanted to ask you a couple of questions about the heist.” Bon Bon chewed her inner-lip with concern, then turned back to look at Luna, “Can I take these restraints off of him? He should be more comfortable as we talk, this isn’t an interrogation — he’s one of us.”

“Not a good idea,” Stalwart piped up, before the princess could even open her mouth, “I-I… I’m the one who asked to be restrained.” He gave a strained smile, his eyes staring with darkness out into the middle distance, “I’ve… I’ve had some pretty dark thoughts recently. I’ve been worrying that I might… might do something I regret.” He stared with shame at the ground.

“Captain…” Bon Bon mumbled, wishing she could do something for him, but being unable to do anything more than stare ineffectually.

“I feel so pathetic for letting such thoughts take hold in me. I know it’s no excuse, b-but when I think about w-what I did to that poor mare…” Stalwart paused as pitter-patter drops of tears fell from his face to the jail floor below, “...to the pony who used to be my wife!”

Stalwart began to sob again, tears streaming down his face, following the well-travelled salt deposits left on his cheeks from hours of crying his heart out.

“I’ve tried.” He choked out, “I tried so hard to remember the love I had for my wife… for my daughter. But there’s nothing there! It’s just empty!” He shook his head, sending a spray of tears off of him, “All I can think of is some teenage c-criminal’s plot. It’s the only thing I care about! The only thing left that matters in my life — all I can do now is cause pain to other ponies...”

Bon Bon wrapped her other hoof around the Captain’s shoulders. The least she could do for the poor stallion was give him a hug. Pulling back, she slid a hoof under his chin and held his head up, getting him to look at her. “Captain, I know you’re hurting… hurting really bad right now, but please…” Bon Bon carefully chose her next words, “You… you are a brave stallion, and you can prove instrumental to bringing these monsters to justice — if you can find it in yourself to help me.”

Bon Bon watched his eyes sparkle… just a tiny bit. He nodded slightly, sniffling to clear his nose, “An-anything! Ask me anything — I’ll do whatever I can to help.”

Bon Bon smiled before going on: she knew how to ask questions to glean that critical piece of information, after all.

Lyra had no clue how to get the information she needed. But she had a plan for where she might get it!

She was the Executive Chief deputy SPECIAL secret agent after all.

“TWIIIIIIII-LIGHT!?” She bellowed out at the top of her lungs, loud enough to leave a resonating hum in the transparent crystal walls of Twilight’s castle. She was currently standing at the entrance to the castle’s publicly-accessible library.

She’d never liked coming to the new crystal monstrosity of a domicile. She always got lost in the maze-like corridors and the multitude of unused rooms. It didn’t help that the library was buried deep within, past all sorts of throne-rooms and map-rooms and grand ball-rooms (which Lyra was disappointed to find had no ball-pit… such a misnomer!).

She much preferred the old town tree-library… a pony could get some serious comic-book reading done in there.

Before Twilight blew it up.

“TWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIILIGGGGGHHHHT!” She bellowed again, impatiently before entering the library. “I thought Spike said you were in here, helping somepony to find a book?”

“Lyra?” Twilight’s answering chirp finally came from down in the archival stacks, “Sorry, I was helping somepony else… how can I help you?”

The smile on Lyra’s face ramped up from mild to ‘shit-eating’. She swaggered over happily, a bounce in her step as she approached the Princess of Friendship. Finally, she would be able to show Princess Know-It-All just how she was the true authority when it came to humans.

“Please Twilight, I simply can’t permit you to obstruct my business today!” Lyra did her best to affect a Trottingham accent — surely that made it more official. “Don’t you know that I am the executive chief special secret deputy agent chief agent acting on behalf of the Crown on a critical secret mission?”

Twilight simply raised an eyebrow in confusion, her head tilting to one side. “Th-the… what?”

“All you need to know is that you need to help me… or else you could face punishment for disobeying the Crown.” Lyra sniffed, haughtily.

Twilight’s eyebrows knitted together, her wings ruffled slightly, before she gestured with a fore-hoof to her head, which currently sported a small silver diadem under her horn. “Uh… but I am the Crown, Lyra.”

Lyra’s smile faltered.

Oh shoot — that’s right. Twilight IS a Princess, too! Wait, does this mean I’m not currently her superior?

Thinking quickly, Lyra stuffed her moment of panic away and cleared her throat, regaining her composure. “Err… ahem… no… No! This is the senior Crown. Senior to you. Way more important. See, I’ve been put on a mission by Luna herself.”

“Wait, Luna asked you to do something?” Twilight asked, clearly surprised. She let out a little sigh, then shrugged, “OK, of course… what can I do to help y-”

“NO. No no no, Twilight.” Lyra stuck a hoof out to plug Twilight’s mouth. She glanced left and right suspiciously from under her fedora. “I can’t actually tell you about my mission, you see. Far too classified. Only the princesses and I have the authority to know about it.”

Twilight, with her mouth still plugged, simply rolled her eyes and gestured at her wings expectantly.

“Ah, oh… only the senior princesses and I have the requisite authority. Really, actually only me. They have entrusted me to be their superior on this mission.”

“Gah,” Twilight pulled back from the muffling hoof to catch her breath, “Lyra… I’m actually kind of busy so if you just want to pl-”

“Twilight, I have a direct order for you.” Lyra snapped quickly, “I need every book in your library that mentions humans, and I need them immediately!”

“Seriously, Lyra?” Twilight groaned and reached a hoof to massage her temples. “Lyra, you wrote half the stupid books in here on hu-... wait.” Twilight paused and looked at Lyra with a new wave of suspicion and wonder. “Did you just say that you’re on a mission from Luna and you need a book on humans?”

Lyra nodded.

Instantly, Twilight’s horn blazed to life. A powerful purple field engulfed both of them, thrumming with energy that Lyra had never thought possible for a spell-caster to achieve, but Twilight seemed to do it with ease.

A crackling snap followed a moment later, as Twilight whisked the two of them to a deep, secluded corner of the library while keeping the thrumming bubble surrounding the two of them — blocking out any sound from escaping the thaumic field.

“Lyra — tell me the truth immediately: are you involved in the investigation regarding the human that was hi-jacked enroute from the South to Canterlot?”

Lyra hummed, chewing her lip and leaning back, looking away from side to side, trying to avoid the Princess’s penetrating gaze. “... not telling.”

“LYRA — you have to tell me! I’m technically tied for the highest rank of leader in the country: I’m entitled to know every state secret.”

Gah, this sucked. It was no fun if she couldn’t lord this over Twilight! “Well… uh… you could be a changeling!”

Twilight brought a hoof to her face and paused for a moment, pinching her brow in frustration. “A changeling… a changeling currently casting a non-green thaumic energy field… with non-green eye-sclera?”

“You could have purple contacts on!” Lyra offered helpfully.

“Wauuuugh!” Twilight growled, grasping Lyra by both of her shoulders and shaking her with sheer frustration, “Just tell me, you imbecile!”

“AHH!” Lyra squeaked, as she was thrown back and forth, “I’m blown! It’s over! SUICIDE PILL!”

“Wait, what!? Lyra, NO!” Twilight shouted, stopping her shaking as Lyra magically lifted a bottle out from her saddlebags and downed the contents faster than the Princess could blink. “Why!?”

“Goodbye, cruel world!” Lyra sighed, theatrically slumping to her side and letting the half-empty bottle spill on the library floor. “At least I never confirmed to Changeling-Twilight that I was assigned to the human-hijack investigation!” Lyra let her tongue out of her mouth and shut her eyes, before letting out a final: “Blehrgh!”

A moment passed, with no sound but the thrumming of Twilight’s thaumic bubble.

Then, Lyra could hear Twilight shuffling and inspecting the bottle. “Lyra… these are sour candies.”

Lyra opened her eyes and popped back to her hooves. “Well, I had to use something, the damn pharmacist wouldn’t give me any suicide pills! I figured, I don’t like sour candies… so pretty close to the same thing, right?”

“Lyra! Stop playing around!” Twilight’s tone of voice was deadly serious — unlike anything Lyra had heard from her over the years of their rivalry with the uptight princess, enough to make her sit up and snap to attention. “This is no game!”

“I… I know that,” Lyra groused. This was typical Twilight. She never knew how to have any fun with anypony. What was the point of anything if you couldn’t have fun while doing it? “Sheesh.”

“I mean honestly!” Twilight groaned, throwing her head back in frustration. “What the hay was Luna thinking!? I told her that this was extremely serious — that humans are dangerous creatures despite their lack of magic… but all she cared about was that damn black-magic spell!” Twilight shook her head as she stared at the humbled green-unicorn sitting before her, “So, of course she probably put all her resources on the spell… and only assigns this goofball to tracking down the human!”

“Hey!” Lyra harumphed, crossing her arms. “I’m not just a goofball!”

Ignoring her, Twilight went on, “She probably thinks you’re some kind of authority on humans… but you barely know anything relevant! All you ever focus on is fantastical, lurid human-pony smut!” Twilight hovered a nearby book over — one which Lyra knew immediately as one of her earlier works, “This one spent over forty pages detailing the reasons why a human hand is the ideal masturbatory tool for a mare, for Celestia’s sake!”

Lyra shot back, “Hey! So you did read the whole thing. More importantly, was I wrong?”

That got Twilight to pause her diatribe. She blushed, eyes scrambling left and right. “I-I mean… I guess t-technically I don’t know about how hands would interact with pony genitalia… although I did consider… I mean, after going the the mirror I only had the opportunity for experimental experience using my hands with my own geni-.” Twilight paused, coughing and clearing her throat. “S-still… more to the point, this is a serious crime you’ve been assigned to Lyra. Are you really sure you’re up to this task?”

Lyra smiled, patting the stressed-out alicorn on her left shoulder placatingly. “Twilight, Twilight, Twilight… when it comes to humans, I could sniff them for days straight.”

“What.”

“Uh… I meant: I could sniff their location out within a few days.” Lyra grinned sheepishly, “Seriously! I know all the signs that ponies would leave behind as they tried to figure out how best to care for a human! I can do this! I just need to get access to my reference material!”

Twilight paused, tilting her head and looking back over toward the reading area of the library where she’d just come from. “Actually, it’s funny you should mention that. I was watching this one unicorn all morning: he came in asking for everything I had on rare creatures and mythical-monsters.”

“So?” Lyra shrugged.

“Well… as time went by, he’s been picking up more and more of your books on humans. He tries to mix in books on other animals and creatures so it’s not too obvious… but he barely touches those ones once he brings it back to his reading area. He’s only reading and making notes about humans. He’s checked out nearly every piece of human-related literature I’ve got.”

“Really!?” Lyra’s eyes widened in alarm. “Where?”

Twilight pointed with a hoof toward the central reading area. A midnight-blue unicorn with a strange buzzcut of black hair was busy scribbling a telekinetically-held quill over a piece of parchment paper, enclosed on all sides by towers of books authored by Lyra on pseudoscientific human-lore.

He had a strange cutie-mark: a snowflake crowned by an atomic orbital diagram of hydrogen.

He looked dark, dangerous. Fierce.

A shiver went through Lyra as the gears began to click in her mind. She whispered through her teeth to Twilight, “Only reading books on humans… mere days after a human was abducted. Twilight, do you know what that means!?”

Twilight nodded back, her face grim. “Yes, I was thinking the same thing. He could be here for the exact same reason as you — to compile notes on how to take care of a recently captured huma-”

“HE’S A FAN!” Lyra squeaked excitedly, clopping her hooves together. She had always wanted a fan. She was sure somepony out there truly enjoyed her groundbreaking work… and here he was!

“Lyra, wait!” Twilight hissed, reaching out with her magic but missing as Lyra bounded happily outside of the thaumic bubble.

With two happy skips and a jump, Lyra crossed the distance from the stacks where she and Twilight had been holding their clandestine conversation and trotted right up to the strange unicorn.

“Lyra!” Twilight’s agonized shout was entirely ignored as Lyra sat next to the pony in question, leaning in to try to catch his eye as she beamed with a smile more than a foreleg-length wide.

The unicorn glanced at her, scrunching his eyebrows momentarily and then slowly turning away from her — like a pony might do if accosted by a crazy homeless person on the street.

“AHEM.” Lyra smiled even wider, as the unicorn’s gaze snapped back to her. She leaned onto the table with one elbow, smugly nodding as she pointed at the spine of one of the books, which had her name emblazoned upon it in gold leaf.

Once again the unicorn glanced away.

Dang it! Lyra groused, internally. I knew I should have invested in those author’s pictures for the dust cover! Well, there was no other way then — this fan simply had to know he was in the presence of his favorite author!

“Hello there! My name is Lyra Heartstrings…” Lyra lifted her nose up and leaned back, affecting a yawn to show how casually cool she was, “No big deal or anything but I actually wr-”

“SHHH!” The unicorn glared at her, holding a hoof over his mouth and hissing the universal sound of silence. With his other hoof, he gestured at a nearby sign that hung over the reading area.

Silence, please!

Lyra frowned. This was certainly a very rude fan. This must be what all the elements complained about when it came to the vagaries of fame — it really was difficult to manage having adoring fans! Still, she simply couldn’t let him miss his opportunity to meet her.

She lowered her voice to a whisper, but continued on, “Uh… maybe you don’t realize it, but I’m the author of most of the books you’re reading right now. The world-famous, beautiful, mysterious, genius author… Lyra Heartstrings? Maybe a little thanks might be in order.” Lyra sniffed, “Maybe even a little adulation, Mr…?”

“Freeze,” the unicorn whispered back, eyeing her suspiciously, “Quantum Freeze.”

“Well, Mr. Freeze — would you like me to autograph your copy of my book?” Lyra whispered confidently, smugly; she was such a good author to her fanbase.

“Autograph this copy… this library copy… which I won’t be checking out?”

“Sure. It’s no problem.”

“Actually, I think you already did that on most of these books.”

Shoot! She’d forgotten that she’d come in and autographed all of her ‘first-editions’ in Twilight’s library when she’d donated them — she’d heard that it was something that famous authors sometimes did: sneaking into a bookstore and autographing their own works.

“W-well… I’d be happy to make a new autograph out to you personally!”

Quantum ignored her and turned back to the book he was poring through, before responding out of the side of his mouth, without turning his head, “To be honest, if you were the author of those books…” he gestured toward the stack of textbooks with Lyra’s authorship on them, “I really only found them to be useful if I were going to be a human manicurist… or maybe a human breeder. Neither of which are really on my to-do list.”

Lyra blinked, stunned. Was he making funof her work? She felt her temper begin to rise.

“In point of fact, this text...” Quantum pointed at a book set aside from the others, the only text in the whole pile which had been authored by Twilight Sparkle, “...was far more in-depth and fundamentally sound work. The Princess’s analysis of human ‘high-school’ age behavior and social norms was far more professional.”

That book. Lyra’s eyes bulged with anger. That book!

She’d flipped through it herself, of course. A beyond ridiculous account of what it might be like for an Equestrian transported into the human realm, set from the perspective of an Equestrian transformed into a human. It was rife with incorrect concepts, and didn’t even bother with the most essential question of human science: is a human male the ideal mate for a mare?

Lyra had done her best to deface every copy she came across in Twilight’s library, until Spike had stopped letting her check the book out entirely.

And this… idiot thought that book was the superior work!?

“Oh… OH YEAH!?” Lyra whisper-shouted (though it was more shout than whisper), and stamped her hoof, causing the small tower of textbooks to come tumbling down. “Well, Mr. Quantum Freeze, I’ll have you know that my work on humans is so well-regarded by the real experts that I was recently appointed as the president, executive, chief deputy president special president agent in charge of conducting the Crown’s investigation into a kidnapped human!” She slammed her hoof onto the table, right smack dab in the middle of the page that he was reading. “So maybe, just maybe… you should pay attention to what this mare is saying, hm?”

Quantum Freeze looked at her, eyes wide with shock… as if he’d just seen a ghost. He searched her face deeply, his eyes racing over hers, little beads of sweat breaking out on his forehead.

“Hah.” Lyra grunted with satisfaction, happy to see the effect that her new credentials had on the once-haughty stallion.

“E-e-excuse me, miss…” Quantum stumbled out, hastily grabbing his scribbled notes and stuffing them into his saddlebags, “I think I’ve got everything I need.” He scurried out of the library, shooting furtive glances over his shoulder as he went.

Twilight trotted over rapidly, watching as the unicorn stallion quickly slipped out of the library doors, “Lyra, what did you say?”

“Aw shucks, Twilight…” Lyra sighed, polishing a hoof against her chest, “Sometimes my fans just get a bit starstruck when they meet the real deal, just overwhelmed by my pure beauty, I guess. You know how it is with fans…” Lyra glanced over at Twilight, letting her eyes trace over the Princess, “...well, maybe you don’t know.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Lyra, did you ever stop to think that maybe that stallion was doing all that research because he has a human in his possession?”

“WHAT!? HE HAS A HUMAN?” Lyra perked up, eyes flashing with excitement. “But… HOW?”

Twilight face-hoofed again, “Lyra… he probably stole the human from that convoy.”

“Oh… OH!” Lyra nodded, slamming one hoof into another. “I see now! Don’t you get it, Twilight? He was the one who kidnapped the human!” Lyra hissed at Twilight.

“Yes. Yes, wow. Your deductive skills — incredible as always.” Twilight monotonically stated, as if trying to contain some anger.

“I’ve got to follow him!” Lyra jumped up to all four hooves, “It’s the quickest way to seeing a flesh and blood human with my own eyes!” She began to scurry off, when suddenly her tail was yanked — hard — by a telekinetic field.

“Woah! Woah there, Lyra!” Twilight snapped. “Stop! If we’ve found the culprit, we have to let the guard know — this is dangerous!”

“Aww c’mon Twilight, aren’t you like… some kind of Goddess-Princess? Didn’t you beat off a super-powered centaur-Tirek single-hoofedly? Can’t you just teleport all of those baddies into a cell?”

Twilight blinked, relaxing her magic hold on Lyra. “Wh-what? I mean… yeah, I guess.” She seemed to be mulling something in her head, as if perplexed by Lyra’s statement, trying to work out the logical flaw in the unicorn’s argument — with difficulty. “Uh… but… procedure! Yes, that’s it! Procedure!” Twilight sighed, nodding. “We have to do this by the book, Lyra. Books! They’ll never steer you wrong! And the book says — you report crimes to the guard!”

“Pfft, you’re just being lazy, admit it.” Lyra rolled her eyes, testing just how strong Twilight’s grip was and whether it could restrain her. “You know, if you sit on your plot all the time like this, it’s just gonna keep getting bigger.”

“W-what? You can tell?” Twilight squeaked, ears folding back and looking at her rear.

“Mmhmm… and it ain’t nice bigger, like mine!” Lyra wiggled her hips. “That’s cookie-dough cupcake-icecream bigger.”

Twilight frowned, her face going red. “Well, at least my fat deposits are ending up in my butt and not between my ears!”

Lyra smiled. Finally, she’d managed to get under Twilight’s fur, after all this time! She made a mental note that Twilight’s weak point was her butt — that could prove useful. “That’s the spirit, Twilight! A little fight in you, like the old days! Now, let’s go get my human!”

Twilight blinked, took a deep breath, and let it out in a controlled sigh as she extended a hoof away from her chest — almost meditatively. “Ohhh kay… NO.”

“What! C’mon! Twilight… the human! This might be my only chance to see one!”

“Lyra, no. I’m sorry,” Twilight apologized, genuinely. “We may have our disagreements, but I’m not going to put you or any of my other friends in danger. This is real. You could get hurt.”

Lyra’s ears folded back, whimpering like a sad puppy.

Twilight’s expression softened even further. “Tell you what, if you promise me that you’ll go straight home and wait until the guard takes care of this… I’ll do everything I can to get you an interview-session with the human once we’ve recovered him.”

Lyra’s ears perked up. “A private interview?”

“Sure, if you’ll let me keep some recording devices for posterity.”

“Oh, Twilight!” Lyra purred, “I didn’t realize you like to watch! Kinky.”

Twilight’s face turned red yet again, this time out of embarrassment. “W-what? Oh. OH! Private like… Lyra!” She sputtered, eyes looking down at her hooves as if trying to work out the mechanics. “I didn’t mean like that! I mean, he’d have to want… and then what about the size differences… the biomechanics… compatibility…” She began to trail off, quietly adding at the end of her little musing, “...well, I suppose if it’s for science… and it’s recorded.”

“That’s the spirit! I’ll warm him up for you!” Lyra squee’d.

“What!? No! How are you so good at getting me off-topic?” Twilight groaned again, “Look, no private sessions if you don’t promise me you go home, right now… ok?”

Lyra groaned, looking back at the door where the mysterious unicorn stallion had just exited. “...fine. I promise.”

Twilight smiled, then gave Lyra a little hug, releasing her telekinetic field. “Thank you, Lyra. I’m glad I can trust you, and that we’re friends again.”

“Yeesh, there you go, hamming it up with that friendship stuff again.” Lyra grimaced, “I prefer our intense rivalry… which I am winning, by the way.”

“Of course, Lyra.” Twilight sighed, turning away. “Now I’ve got to write a dragonfire letter to Luna, immediately. I’ll keep you in the loop as soon as I know anything. Now — go home.” She flew off, out of the library, leaving papers scattering in her backdraft.

Lyra waited until she had left, before her grin crept upwards into an evil, cock-sure smile.

“Heh heh heh...” Lyra carefully chuckled her well-practiced ‘evil laugh #2’ as she rubbed her hooves together, “Little does Twilight know: the head president and chief head executive deputy special agent in charge of special executive actions is fully authorized to deceive junior princesses in order to accomplish her mission!”

She slunk carefully out of the castle, peering down from atop the high set of stairs.

There! On the main road!

Lyra spotted the unicorn-stallion in question, hurrying along as he made his way out of Ponyville’s main district, toward the warehouses that comprised its eastern outskirts.

“Besides, if I don’t follow him, he might get away! I’ll just tail him, find his location, rescue the human, capture the whole bad guy squad, and become the most famous hero in all of Equestria! No big deal!”Lyra nodded to herself, then began to sneakily sprint after her quarry.

She was the Chief deputy SPECIAL secret agent in charge, after all!

“...and then the next thing I remember, I was being woken up by the guard’s search and rescue team.” Stalwart finished, with a heavy sigh.

Bon Bon felt flushed, wiping a bit of the sweat that had formed on her brow and fanning her heated face with a free hoof. As traumatizing as the whole thing had been for the poor captain, the sheer detail and description of his sexual encounter had come through in agonizing precision.

It was clear in how Stalwart had shared the most minuscule minutiae regarding Dusk Wing’s vaginal texture, her pelvic floor strength when she orgasmed, the sound that his flesh made against hers… that he pined for the teenage criminal.

“Ahem,” Bon Bon cleared her dry throat. “Th-thanks for that, Captain. I guess you never know just what might prove useful.” Bon Bon glanced back at Luna, still standing impassively by the door. “Though I hope I don’t need to use Dusk Wing’s ‘weak spot’ myself. Is there anything else that you’d like to tell us?”

“Yes.” Stalwart sighed, looking down at his hooves ashamedly. “I know how this is going to sound… Dusk Wing: she’s just a stupid kid. I don’t think she’s all bad. She’s had some bad things happen to her, but I don’t think her heart is completely evil — otherwise, she would have slit my throat and my squad’s throats before they left.”

Bon Bon awkwardly looked away from the captain, frowning. She was sure this was coming from the corruption in his heart, but she didn’t want to embarrass him further by throwing that in his face. If he could see her grimace, her doubts would be betrayed.

“I knew it.” The captain slumped, able to understand despite Bon Bon’s attempts at concealment. “You don’t believe me: you think this is just the love poison talking. I don’t think I’ll change your mind but… that poison made me love that filly. And my heart is still strong — it will tell me a lot about her, I don’t think she’s fully evil. I don’t know if that will help you… but I had to say it.”

“Th-thanks,” Bon Bon mumbled, not wanting to say more and let Stalwart know just how little she agreed with his statement.

The captain paused for a moment, then looked up brightly, hope having returned in his eyes for the first time since Bon Bon had entered the cell, “Do… do you think, if you capture her… do you think I could see her again?”

Bon Bon frowned and Luna stirred, stepping toward the captain with concern.

“I know, I know… probably not a good idea.” The captain began to fidget, “But, when I think of her — of what I could do for her, do with her…” He began to blush.

Bon Bon began to blush as well as she caught sight of a certain part of the captain’s body, beginning to stir. “S-stalwart?”

“I-I… oh Goddesses this is embarrassing. I’m so sorry.” He mumbled abashedly as his stallionhood slid out of his sheath, spilling out onto the floor like an oversized sausage. “But… when I think of that little plot-hole, and the way she gripped me…”

Bon Bon looked away politely, though in her peripheral vision she could see that the captain had raised his flagpole to full mast. It really was true what they said about guards-stallions being picked for their size — in all respects. She did her best to resist sticking her tongue out in disgust — she hated the look of the bigger ones even more. So grossly immense, yuck.

“She is probably the sexiest little mare in Equestria — hooves down.” The captain smiled bashfully, awkwardly shifting his hind legs to try to conceal his huge, throbbing stallionhood. Normally a stallion would use his forehooves to politely occlude himself in such a seated position. Unfortunately for the captain, his were currently fastened behind his back.

“Uh…” Bon Bon lifted a hoof to try to shield her peripheral vision, unsure of what to do — it was like a train-wreck: brutal and horrendous but something one couldn’t simply look away from.

“When I start to think about her… my heart just… pounds.” Bon Bon watched the grotesque meat-stick pulse and strain against its own skin, like a fleshy water-balloon being filled from a fire hydrant. Thick veins bulged up and down the sides of his shaft.

A pungent musk began to fill the air — thick and oaky. Bon Bon could see the now freely flowing trickle of stud-nectar streaming down the underside of the captain’s shaft, sliding over his fat medial ring before it dripped off of his two heavy testicles which currently lay against the padded floor.

She had plenty of mare-friends who would go on and on about how amazing stallion-musk smelled. Even outside of estrus season, they would swap stories about which colts and stallions had the best ‘studly-perfume’. Some would even giggle about how their favorite pastimes included burying their muzzle in a stallion’s sweaty sack and just inhaling.

Bon Bon always thought it smelled like an old gym locker mixed with two-week-old cheddar cheese.

Gross.

She couldn’t help but crinkle her nose up, sneering slightly at the olfactory intrusion — she knew it wasn’t Stalwart’s fault, but she just found the stallion form to be so… un-sexy.

“S-sorry…” Stalwart panted, his tongue dropping out of his mouth, “I… I just can’t control my thoughts once they start going… that tight little ass of hers. Her cute-little fangs. Her love-nub, oh Princesses! Her love-nub! Hnngrh!”

Bon Bon took a cautionary step back as the captain’s penis bulged, darkening as it seemed to blossom and thicken even further. His heavy cockhead began to flare outward, fattening to the size of her hoof as the clear trickles dribbling out of its slit began to spurt and sputter more voluminous splashes.

“Captain,” Luna shuffled her wings and stepped forward, in front of Bon Bon, “I thank you for your help. But now you must rest and focus on being well — repose in the realm of dreams, the doctor will check in with you in the morning.” Her horn glowed and she stepped forward, carefully sidestepping one of Stalwart’s spurts to touch her long horn to his head. Instantly the captain’s eyes rolled back and he slumped against the wall… and he immediately began to snore.

He was asleep.

Luna sighed and turned away from the captain, fixing her eye to Bon Bon before she began to speak, “well… I believe-”

“Hngnrrghh…. Haaaaa!” Out of his slumber, Stalwart suddenly began to moan, even louder than before. His still-hard stallionhood pulsed, once… twice… then erupted in a geyser of frothing white stallion-essence.

The fountain-like spray came in great gouts — at least six spurts, each one contorting and twisting the hapless sleeping stallion as he came.

Luna was quick to bubble up a force field, a magical umbrella against the soaking that she would have otherwise received.

Bon Bon was not so lucky.

She was far away enough that his opening salvo couldn’t reach her, but his follow-up volleys, each more potent than the last, splattered across her chest, neck, and chin with the stinging impact of a fire hose.

Ugh! Bon Bon shivered. She hated the disgusting, gelatinous ooze — always had. In her limited experiences with it, in any case. It reminded her of snot, if snot smelled like squid-slime. The fact that the substance was filled with millions of squirmy, wriggling tadpole-like sperm that wanted to swim into her like little alien parasites didn’t help either.

Gross — some of it got in my mouth!

Bon Bon stuck her tongue out, sputtering the bitter, salty taste onto the floor as she spat to clear herself. She couldn’t understand why some mares actually had a fetish for the stuff. She’d rather roll in garbage.

“Apologies, Agent Drops… we let our hypnos-avatar meet with Stalwart in his dreams to provide him some quick… relief. we did not expect this to have so profound an effect on his physical form: perhaps we should have waited.”

Bon Bon could barely hear her as she hurriedly tried to get the ichor off of her chest and chin, only to find it was now all over her hooves.

“Here, allow us.” A warm field of magic passed over her, gently cleansing and lifting all of the stallion-essence from Bon Bon’s fur. “We apologize that we didn’t get our field up sooner. In the old days, a mare would see such a stud-offering as a portent of good fortune and fertility. Times have changed…” Luna smiled, then paused. “Although, we do know that you would not have been a fan of the male form… or function… in any age.”

“You can tell?” Bon Bon arched her eyebrow. It never seemed like anypony around her understood that she was a filly-fooler; though perhaps living with a pony as oblivious as Lyra for so long had lowered her expectations.

“Yes, of course, my little pony.” Luna nodded warmly, “We have trodden your dreams, all of your dreams, since you were but a foal. We have seen all your desires.”

Bon Bon stiffened slightly, patting her own fur to check that it was clean. Reassured, she took a deep breath to regain her composure. “I don’t think it’s that weird, Princess. Times have changed since your da-”

“Oh, Agent Drops,” Luna chuckled slightly, covering her giggle with a wing, “If you thought I meant that your preference for the feminine form was unnatural you misunderstood me! And in ‘my age’ it was far more common for a matron to take even a whole harem of nubile mares and fillies! Pah. My most skilled bedchamber-agents were oft of the ‘fillyfooler’ predilection.”

“Huh.” Maybe Luna was a bit more open-minded than she thought.

Luna wrapped a wing around Bon Bon as they walked toward the cell entrance. “Only those colt-cuddlers are abhorrent — robbing our ponies of their birthright… wasting their precious genetic resources in such disgusting practices. Stallions must know that, in the bedchamber, their desires must come second to those of mares.”

“Huh.” Then again…

Luna began to stand a bit taller, her wings slowly extending from her sides as she riled herself up. “My Sister hates when I talk about these topics... always telling us that such, female-centric policies have died long ago: that mares do not need to protect and pursue their mates as in the days of yore! Yet look at the state of the kingdom: love-poisons and banditry!”

“Uh… Princess?”

“Ah. Yes, our apologies again.” Luna shrank, regaining herself. “Back to the matter at hoof: did our poor captain’s testimony assist at all in providing clues as to where they have taken the human?”

“No.” Bon Bon shook her head, “Names and leads, some clues and hints about the gang’s MO. But nothing more… Like looking for a cake-slice at Celestia’s birthday banquet.”

“How do you intend to proceed then, agent?”

“This case will take a lot of good old fashioned hoofwork. We’ll need to alert the spy networks across the nation and territories, start rounding up our confidential informants and pressing them for details, get the security wonks screening every citizen’s mail, magic-messages, and dragonfire-letters... It’s not like we’ll be able to just fall into their hideout!”

Author's Note

Author’s Note: I have mixed feelings about this part of the story, I got to admit. All the stuff with Stalwart is very competently handled and dealt with the seriousness it’s deserved. Well played, Cloppy!

On the other hand… I just hate everything to do with Twilight here. I know, I’m doing the thing you’re not supposed to do when you’re a brony and being mister negativity but the way Twilight is portrayed in all of Cloppy’s stories is character assasination of the first order. I get when you say that it’s all written in teasing and you love Twilight, but when you boil it down your narration is insulting to Twilight, you write her as having no real magical talent at all, and her place in the story is to be used as a jizz-rag when she’s not being used to look like a buffoon. And ya know, sometimes both.

She shows none of the cunning she’s known for and pretty much comes off as a neurotic mess that’s incapable of even taking care of herself, much less lead a team of heroines. In short, she’s post-Season 5 Twilight Sparkle, a hollow-shell of her former self, gutted and left hanging out to dry while Starlight Glimmer gets to be the badass wonder girl instead.

Holy shit, that got dark and heavy but I really can’t stand your Twilight at all.

Oh dear, I need to end this on a positive note, don’t I?

Okay, I have one. With the exception of Twilight, every single character in this story does very well, especially Dusk Wing — I love you girl! Even with every other comment on this story wishing Dusk Wing a swift and merciless death, I just can’t find it in me to hate this horrible mare. She’s evil and she’s a rapist and she’s a snotty little shit-stain but she’s so goddamn adorable about it! If I had one bad thing to say about her, it’s that she frankly underutilized here. She needs more spotlight, not less.