The stale tale of Cake, the dumbass!

“The Ups and Downs”

Cake was standing in a field of grass while the moon shined overhead, leading her down a cobblestone path. As she trotted through the field the path forked into two separate ones, and as she was deciding which path she wanted to walk down she felt a large gust of wind strike her back, making the hair on her her back stand on end She turned around only to see a large black cloud covering the grass, killing each blade it touched. Leading the cloud was a pony dressed in black, holding a large metal scythe.

Cake was frozen in fear as the pony began to slowly walk closer and closer, she didn't even realise she should start running until he was only a few dozen feet away from her. She chose the left path and began to gallop as fast as she could, until the path forked again and again she always chose a new direction, trying to lose the black pony, gaining momentum with every step until she ran out of breath and couldn't run anymore.

She faltered and fell down, and her skin began to tear and bruise on the stone. Suddenly she realized she wasn't a filly anymore, she was a full grown mare, her once dark brown mane now showing streaks of white and grey dripping from its roots. Then she felt her body begin to give out.

She flipped over onto her back to see the dark pony standing only a few feet away from her, like it had been keeping her pace the entire time. As it raised the scythe to cut her down she could see its face underneath its hood, its empty eye sockets seemed to stare back deep into her soul.

Just then a beam of blue light struck the pony, reducing it to ash, and the cloud dissipated. As Cake was turning to look where the beam had come from, she was awoken by the sound of a trumpet blaring.

Cake shook herself awake and she flung out of bed. The other cadets were doing the same, grabbing mirrors to brush their manes and tails or standing in line to use the room's bathroom. All together there were 4 cadets total in the room, with two bunk beds and a tan carpet.

The white mare, who was used to waking up early, didn't mind the fact that the sun hadn't risen yet or how loud the other cadets were. She simply grabbed her bag and began doing her own morning routine of brushing her mane and drinking a little water. After everypony else had their turn with the restroom she brushed and flossed her teeth and went back to sit down.

Then the squad leader bursted through the door and stared at Cake. “You, follow me.”

Cake quickly got up and followed the stallion, as the other cadets broke away from their own activities and stared at her. Once again Cake's mane began to itch at all the attention.

As she walked down the halls of the barracks she could feel that same cold breeze she had felt earlier begin to brush past her. The stallion, who she came to recognize was Hard Tack, brought her into an office room where a very intimidating older mare with cuts all over her face was writing papers. Cake was pointed to sit down in one of the chairs as the Lieutenant left the room.

“We should have given you a better welcome to the academy than we did, considering today's your first day and all the other cadets have been here for a week. Welcome to Canterlot, Apple Cake. My name is Silver Mane.”

Cake, who had her head facing the ground and was only taking glances at the mare's face, looked up to see that her name was indeed a shade of grey which looked like sliver.

“I knew your father, Golden Crest. I was his squad leader when he went to this academy, and he was one of the best royal guards to ever walk its halls, just like his mother. Your uniform is under the seat. I should tell you we will be watching your progress very closely. You may leave now little filly, and try not to be too shy or the other kids may start picking on you.”

Cake grabbed the uniform from under the chair and stood up, faced the mare and gave a shaky salute which caused the old mare to laugh before returning it to her. The white unicorn then walked back to her room and sat down on her bunk, to put on her uniform with what little time there was left before-

And just then a second trumpet sang out, and the other cadets began to make their way to the mess hall for breakfast. Cake wasn't hungry but she had to go, reluctantly leaving her uniform behind and going with the rest of the cadets.

The cafeteria was small and every part of it was a system. Cadets would grab trays that already had food on them, eat as fast as they could and drink two cups of water in under 3 minutes before being sent back to their rooms. When it was Cake’s turn to sit down, she tried the obvious method of stuffing her mouth with food and downing water to soften it up and swallow. She was done before the three minutes were up and got the approval of one of the seniors, who congratulated her for her “piggy” behavior and then followed it up with a laugh.

Cake scoffed at the insult, and was tempted to do something like loosen the ribbons on his shirt so they would fall off, but decided he wasn't worth the trouble.

During the walk back the white stallion from earlier decided to talk to her. “Don't let the seniors bother you any, they do that to get the hot headed ones to show themselves so they can break them down,” he said in a cool tone. “My name’s Shining, by the way. You’re new here, they usually don't let anypony in after the first three days…”

Cake grunted as she walked, feeling sick from having eaten so fast. “I know, and I'm beginning to think joining the guards won't make me very happy. Name’s Cake.” Cake’s words made Shining frown.

As they entered the room Cake immediately noticed that the door was cracked open, despite the fact she had shut it, and her uniform was gone. She felt a rage seep over her as she marched back to Silver Mane’s office to report the theft, and when she arrived it seemed as if Silver was waiting for her. She knocked on the door and was told to come in, then sat down and explained what had happened as Silver gave her a smile.

“Told ya not to be too shy, little filly, guess you’ll be needing to find out who done it,” Silver Mane said, mocking her accent. “You should start by looking around for who’s wearing a uniform two sizes too small.”

All the teasing was getting to Cake. She left and returned to her room, and began looking it over. The door had been unlocked and the window was open, the sun was just beginning to rise as Cake looked out and saw no way for somepony to climb in. The gears in her head began to spin, as she realized only half the cadets in the auditorium were at the cafeteria. Outside she could hear the sound of Seniors leading another group past their door.

“Shining, I need you to cover for me, I'm gonna climb out and look for whoever stole my shit,” Cake said as she began to roll her bedsheets into a makeshift rope.

“So you're just gonna crawl past the courtyard and start barging into other rooms looking for it? What did Silver Mane say?”

Cake tied the sheet to her bedframe and threw it out the window, it wasn't long enough for her to climb back in but it was enough to prevent her from making too loud of a noise when she jumped down. “She said enough to know she wont help me, and I already have an idea on where the suspect will be.”

Cake was a pony who didn't think outside of the box. If she was told the only way to leave a prison cell would be to serve time, she would immediately jump out the window and run for it, thinking she was the smartest pony to exist. Which is what she was thinking now as she carefully scaled her way down the rope and fell into a bush.

After getting the leaves out of her mane she started looking through the windows of the rooms where the cadets had left, then quickly entered one and began to look through the drawers. All the uniforms had cuts in the sides. Next she did the same with another empty room, finding nothing again, before she realized it was likely the window was opened to look like someone had jumped out when in reality they didn't.

The young unicorn’s head began to hurt as she tried her hardest to think of a pony who would want a uniform that wouldn't fit any other cadet, and would go through all the trouble to steal it. Without any other choice she decided the only thing she could do was head back up and look through the seniors’ wing for a replacement. She left the room and trotted back up the stairs and into a new wing of the building she hadn't gone into, opening door after door looking for a clue, but just as she was opening the door to a janitor's closet she felt a hoof on her shoulder.

Turning around she saw the cold, expressionless face of Hard Tack, who looked down on Cake like he was about to stomp her into the floor. She froze as fear began to flood over her face. “Uh- uh, do you… know where uh the bathroom is?” Cake mumbled.

Hard Tack shook his head slowly. “You know damn well where it is.”

Cake started looking for a way out of the situation, as her eyes were darting everywhere. “I- I spilled water on the floor in ours and was looking for a mop… because… my family keeps our mop in the bathroom and ours didn't have one.”

Hard Tack remained unchanged as he shook his head again. “No you didn't.” Again, he stayed silent.

The trembling mare became more scared by the second. “You're right, I didn't. I lost my uniform ya see, and I was looking for it…”

Hard Tack nodded, and then an uncomfortable silence followed.

“I mean, this is a test isn't it?” Cake said.

Now Hard Tack raised an eyebrow and tilted his head a bit. “If you knew that, why would you start looking for it alone, in the janitor’s closet?”

Tack’s words made Cake embarrassed as she let go of her tension. “I didn't know what else to do…”

Tack sighed as he signaled her to follow him. “First rule of the Guard is you protect the princesses with your life, second is to work as a team.”

When Cake returned to the room her bed sheets were back on her bed, and Shining Armor was looking away from them. “You know what to do, Cake,” Hard Tack said as he left the room.

Cake sat down on the bed and faced the other unicorn, who was looking shy as the rest of the squad quietly sat on their beds. “Thanks for remaking my bed…” Cake said half shyly and ashamed.

“You’re welcome,” piped up a dark blue unicorn from his bed. “‘Cause Shining almost made it for you before I stepped in and he can't make his for shit,” he said, pointing a hoof at the white unicorn’s bed which was, to Cake, identical to his. Then he laughed which confused Cake. A head of a mare slung down from the bunk atop of hers and made her jump.

“So what did you find? Did you get your uniform?” said the yellow mare.

“She found Hard Tack, sis,” replied the blue colt.

“Well, today isn’t gonna be long…” replied the mysterious mare, cheerfully

The blue stallion turned over and Cake got a better look at him, his horn was abnormally long and his mane was already shaved to match the gladiator style of the Princess' personal guard helmets.

“So… what’s y'all’s names?” asked Cake, trying to be friendly

“That's my sister Daffodilly, That down there is Shining Armor and I'm Violet.” The twins both had red manes and matching tails with lighter red highlights. Shining Armor had a white coat like Cake’s and a neon blue mane. Cake felt generic with her mane, a simple boring brown.

“Now what's this about a short day?” asked Violet.

“They're gonna keep us in our room until lunch, then after lunch they are going to take us to the gym and have us run laps till one of us pukes!” replied Dilly.

“And how do you know that?” Shining said, coming out of his silence.

“I overheard the vipers say it when I was in the cafeteria!” exclaimed Dilly with a bright smile on her face.

The group was silent for a second until Shining spoke up. “We have a few hours until lunch, we could split up and search the senior wing for the uniform.”

“No, I already looked up there, it's empty,” Cake said.

“Our best bet is to look for clues. If it's a test, and it obviously is, they would give us a lead,” Violet said, confidently.

The group nodded in agreement and searched around the room, until Dilly raised up her pillow and found a small note. She quickly passed it over to Cake who read it out loud. “Uh, it's some kind of riddle. Leave as soon as you can, ask a pony who could, at the highest point you'll get what you had.”

Everypony in the room lay silent for a moment before Violet spoke up. “What the hell does the note mean, ‘find a pony who could?’”

Shining armor cleared his throat. “T- the last part is pointing us to the roof, but, you can't get up there on hoof.” The group looked and each other confused while Shining stayed silent.

“Why not? that sounds stupid to not have a ladder or staircase up,” replied Cake.

“T- there is… it's just guarded by the seniors because it's close to the restrooms and offices.”

After another long silence Dilly raised a hoof. “It wants us to befriend a pegasus! All the rooms are separated by race and there is a room full of pegasi just on the opposite side of the hall!”

Cake sighed. “I just know this is gonna be a pain in the ass…”

The group decided to draw straws on who would be the pony to make friends with the pegasi, leading to Shining getting picked. The young shy stallion didn't want to step out of the room without permission, let alone go into another squad's room. After a quick moral pep talk, which involved the twins calling Shining a huge pussy and Cake telling him he had nothing to be afraid of, he finally left the room.

The poor white stallion hugged the door as he scanned the hallway looking from left to right before finally walking to the adjacent door and giving it a light knock. There were only a few shy giggles he could hear from the other side as he tried again with a little more force, then silence.

“Hello there!” said the young mare who opened the door to greet him, swaying her hips a little. Over her shoulder Shining could see two other mares battling it out with pillows.

“U-uh sorry wrong door!” he stammered, trying to back away before the young pegasus mare grabbed him and pulled him in.

Now pinned against the floor with three pegasi standing on top of him, his mind began to race trying to find a way out. “Cracker, do you still have that red lipstick?” asked one of the mares to the other, Shining couldn't make out who since his eyes were shut. There was a small pop followed by the group of mares giggling. Shining tried to move his forearms out from the grip of the mares but he didn't have the strength, and a few seconds later the young colt could feel something be wrapped over his eyes as the mares placed him onto a bed

“What should we do with him first?” giggled one of the fillies. “I say we kiss him till his coat turns red!” Shining felt his face burn hard as he began to sweat when suddenly the girls went quiet and the door opened.

Shining was sure it was Hard Tack or one of the other squad leaders but he was relieved to hear Cake. “You four do realise every cadet in this hallway can hear you right!?” she half whispered and yelled as she closed the door behind her.

The girls backed off Shining, letting the young stallion rise up and shake himself off. Cake raised an eyebrow at him. “You know Dilly is currently holding down her brother because if he was in here… well, I don't think he’d have his eyes slammed shut.” Shining didn't respond to Cake, just stayed quiet. “Well, we needed to ask you girls for a favor,” exclaimed Cake before the room became uncomfortably silent

“Yeah, yeah. What do you want?” said one mare who took the head of the group. She had a blonde mane and a light green coat with a small potion bottle followed by a purple cloud of smoke coming out of it for a cutie mark. “We need someone to get onto the roof to retrieve a uniform,” Cake said blankly. The pegasi began to snicker at her request.

“Oh we can do that, but you have to let us have this cutie for the night!” one of the other mares with a grey mane said as she bumped the shaking Shining Armor.

The colt mouthed something to Cake which she couldn't make out. As she thought it over in her mind she figured it would be a good way to get the poor colt out of his shell, and maybe build him a little confidence. “Sure, just don't eh… do anything extreme with him.”

The colt shifted from his extremely nervous posture to one of betrayal as the pegasi began to giggle again. “Deal!”