Rarity's Horrible Bathroom Secrecy

by Jellote

Rating: mature
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Rarity, Romance, Prince Blueblood, Sex, Random
Length: 3177

Rarity's scat fetish leads to drama. A Keith Howard production.

A multi-chapter fanfic about Rarity struggling to find buttlove in a society that rightfully hates and fears her. Along the way, she uses turds as dildos, finds true love, and loses everything that matters to her.

After months of being away, I thought that I had seen the last of Keith. It was last week when, while browsing through /d/ (don't ask) that I saw his name again as I was scrolling. I could not believe it. Someone had compiled a huge number of his fanfics into a single zip folder, and put them on /rs/. I forget what the file was called, and trying to get back to the download page ends in a 404, but I'm guessing it's still there, if you want to request it on /d/ and they'll listen.

Published 2012-09-07 16:04:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-09 02:20:35 UTC

Fast Eddie can kill himself

After the recital, Rarity was free to mingle with the other party goers. Twice she was taken up the pussy by other guests, one of which being a squid monster from the neighboring nation of Moluskia. It was a great night indeed.

Even still, Rarity felt a sense of emptiness. No amount of tentacle rape or having her non-existent breasts groped by cross-dimensional eldritch abominations could satisfy her. Such was the tragedy of paraphilia; only a specific chord could be struck by the performer to produce a beautiful symphony of messy placental ejection.

From across the room, a familiar pair of brown eyes met hers. But ignoring the clearly exposed posteriors of her friends, she also saw a haunting face. Another unicorn, with a coat as pure white as her own stood adorned in a regal suit. She knew from his posture and mannerisms that he must be from the region. A regular knight in shining armor, he was.

"Whatcha saying 'bout my brotha?" Twilight asked, tapping Rarity on the shoulder.

Rarity snapped out of her trance. "Oh, not that Shining Armor, Miss Twilight. Though he also fits the bill, I must say. 10/10, would bang. No," she placed her hoof on Twilight's cheek and directed her to her real target. "You see that stallion, right there? The dreamiest man I've ever laid eyes on."

She squinted. "What, ya mean Blueblood? The guy's a cockmongler, Rare. A butt-pirate."

She felt ecstatic. "Perfect! Does he pitch or catch?"

"Ah, he's on top. He's got a problem raping the guards, and my brother got in a sticky sitchy-ation before. I guess it was in the stony lonesome, so it wasn't homo of my brother. He's a cunt destroyer."

"I never doubted that, Twilight. I'm sure I can convince Missus Cadenza into an orgy between the three of us one day, I'm sure we'd make a perfect fit. But right now, I just need to get in with that gentlecolt right there."

"Rarity, why you bein' a furfag? The word's gentleman, even a nigger like me know that."

"Whatever. Since we both know you're a magical negro, perhaps you can fix me up with a temporary penis, to convince him to take me up the rear? I just need it for an hour, long enough to get us in the middle of coitus. I want to get him hard enough that he doesn't care what he sticks his dick in."

"Futa magic, huh? Yeah, I think I can handle that. Hold still, I need to get some penetration in this."

Right there, in the middle of a crowded high-school auditorium (Celestia couldn't afford an actual theater), Twilight bent down and suddenly thrusted her horn into Rarity's twat. Absolutely no one noticed, as they were to busy watching Spike caramelldance. Rarity stood motionless and Twilight rammed her face up, down and and all around her pussy.

Twilight grunted, as performing the spell was becoming harder and harder as her horn did. She sometimes wished she was a brutha, so she could get hornboners more easily. Alas, she was like a female dog: capable of humping, but to no avail. Also, she was a bitch. She laughed at the narrator's wordplay.

Finally, it seemed as if Rarity's cunt was starting to grow tighter. Twilight wondered, for a second, if this was a sign that Rarity had been holding out on her, but then realized it was to fault of the spell. She quickly pulled her horn out, which was oddly dry, all things considered. It was as if Rarity could feel no sexual pleasure through vaginal contact. Twilight looked up, and saw the vulva begin to turn inside out; Rarity's inner uterus was growing into a solid appendage. Twilight smiled at her handiwork, then reminded herself she lacked hands. Oh, author, you so witty.

Rarity's penis began to take form, at first nothing but a hunk polymerized carbon, but growing into a long, girthy member. It was cleanly bisected by thick, full urethra, already fully loaded to come at the slightest provocation. To top it all off, the penis circumcised itself on the spot, and the fleshy foreskin fell neatly to the ground. Twilight knelt and, with her gums, seized the precious monument to the pagan goddess Luna. Then, with her mightest gargle, she spat it into Rarity's face.

"Yo Rar," she laughed, "didja hear about the Jew who cut for free? He only took tips."

Rarity did not seem to even notice Twilight's banter. All she could do was focus on the target at hand, standing just meters away. Her mind had long since given into automated response. Putting one foot in front of the other (and finding herself chafing at her newest appendage), she approached the mysterious stranger. He seemed to be telling a tale of his endeavors.

"And that's how I managed to make tentacle rape an olympic sport."

Blueblood's associates laughed. Rarity took the time to tap him on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, sir." Rarity noticed her voice began sounding deeper, as if testosterone was now taking the place of her blood. "May I ask you something, alone?"

Blueblood lifted his head, not even giving her a glance. "Ma'am, I must say, now is not the time to disrupt me, particularly to speak about something as personal as SWEET FANCY JESUS!" He caught a glimpse of Rarity out of his rolled eyes, and his gayboner launched with the fury of a thousand horny Beliebers.

His meaty member struck a mare standing across from him, socking her square in the face. The concussive force knocked her vertebrae out of place, severing her spine and killing her instantly. To add insult to injury, Blueblood's queer shaft had begun throbbing hard and veiny, and began contracting to a rhythm so bizarre, it would best be summed up in a 29/16 tempo. He began clenching at its length, and massaged a 16-hit combo that made him come all over the dead mare.

The unprecedented amounts of blood flowing to Blueblood's cock had drawn away from his brain. Within seconds of ejaculating, Blueblood collapsed.

Rarity seized the moment. Within the confusion, she bit into Blueblood's neck. With the agility only a stallion could accomplish (silly women thinking they can be athletic), she whisked him out of the cafetorium. Her silhouette was the last anyone saw of her, or Blueblood for that matter. It was if they had never existed.

Meanwhile, Robo-lestia watched sternly from her heavenly perch.

To be concluded once the author stops being a massive faggot.

Climax Entertainment

Blueblood's vision was blurry and narrow. He could hardly see what was before him, but could make out the outline of an unidentified pony. From its rounded face, he could have sworn it to be female. Indeed, as his vision focused, he saw that mare from the ball.

"You..." he whispered hoarsely. Rarity gave her best bedroom eyes, but Blueblood did not acknowledge them. He looked around the room, his eyes sluggish and foggy. He was in the highest tower bedroom, where guests would stay. This place haunted him, as it should. Here, he had lost his virginity to Aunt Celestia, who coerced him to allow her to feel up his... no, he could not remember such an incident. Women, he thought, must be the worst beings imaginable.

"Don't be afraid, m'amour," Rarity said, butchering the French language. "I have come to make love to you, and I ask only one thing."

"You... how could..." Blueblood could hardly speak. If he even had the will to resist, he was powerless.

"Now, hush up. There is no need for words. All I need from you is..."

"You... you just... took me away..." Blueblood began to sit up. "You took me away... and you... cured my homosexuality!"

Rarity flinched. "What?"

Blueblood lept from the bed and embraced her. "You did it! You finally did it! All my life, I had been hoping that somehow I'd be put on the path of straight and narrow, and you've done it, young lady."

Rarity pushed Blueblood away. "You mean, you like mares again?"

Blueblood nodded vigorously. "Yep! I'm so sure of myself, that I'm making the pledge right now. I will never again fornicate in the rump again, no matter the circumstances."

Rarity was on the verge of treats. "Never again?"

Blueblood bowed his head. "Yes, ma'am. Never again. Thank you, once again. I am forever in your debt. If there's anything I can help you with not related to sodomy, I will be there."

Rarity sat down, cupping her head in her hooves. Blueblood started for the door, and gave her one last look.

"Remember, miss. Anything at all, as long as it doesn't involve YOUR MASSIVE PENIS!" Blueblood's jaw dropped at the sight of it, so much so that you could fit an entire cheerleader into it. Hearing his words, Rarity looked up.

"You... you like what you see?" She gave him a hopeful smile, wiping away a treat.

"Do I ever?" Blueblood knelt in admiration, as one would before being knighted. He wished for her to place her sword across his shoulder and dub him her savior, then shove it down his throat and jizzum. "Tell me, oh hot herm, what can I do to be granted such a blessed johnson?"

Rarity lifted herself onto the mattress where Blueblood once slept. "Oh, it's easy, really. All I need from you is a little pushing, if you know what I mean."

Blueblood made his way to the foot of the bed, placing a front hoof on its posts. "Is that all I have to do? Well then, call me Mario, 'cause I'm your plumber."

Luna looked up from her SNES.

Rarity rolled onto her belly and put her generously-sized posterior into the air. Blueblood's eyes widened in anticipation.

"Well now, young lady, with an anus as deep and black as yours, I must imagine you've had much experience with invasions of your personal space?"

Rarity smiled and wiggled her behind about. "Oh, no, I'm naturally so spacious. I think of it as a blessing. It allows me all the natural... pleasures... I long for." She snickered, imagining Blueblood's shock when the time came. "But please, don't be unnecessarily gentle with me. I hope for the full experience."

Blueblood disrobed himself, tossing his bowtie and vest to floor. "Well, then, let me show you how we do things royally." He leapt into the air and slammed atop her. The shockwave startled Rarity, and she felt a massive weight crushing her. As she adjusted to the impact, she felt a smooth, warm insertion into her brown nasties. It had begun.

Blueblood gritted his teeth, being sure to start out strong. He knew the author lacked any sort of skill writing sex scenes, and as such he might find himself randomly spasming or flailing about during what should have been a passionate moment. With each of his hooves, he reached around Rarity's shoulders and gripped. Their movements would have to be in synch for this to work properly.

Rarity felt nearly nothing during this. She knew that, objectively, Blueblood was doing a bang-up job at scourging her insides, but that was an empty victory. She had no pleasure to be derived from this. No ecstasy, no joy, not even a little bit of passion. Twas an empty experience indeed.

But then, a feeling deep inside her gave her hope. A low rumbling, a gurgling sensation, caught her attention. This would be the moment of truth, the moment that she had waited years for: a shit-encrusted dick fucking her up the asshole.

"Everything... alright... miss?" Blueblood was choking back his exhaustion. He had reached a state beyond simple erection, but not quite on the verge of orgasm. He could feel himself welling up, and thought he had perhaps fifteen more seconds left.

"Oh, yes, everything's fine." Rarity felts a growing pressure in her lower intestines, which would be ready any second now.

"You seem... calm... I'll hold out... as long as... I can."

Rarity turned her head. Blueblood was on his last leg, desperately trying not to come. She realized there was no time left, and began squeezing hard and fast.

Out of Rarity's bowels poured dozens of slimy, greenish blobs of food waste. Rarity's eyes widened in horror. No, she thought not the dreaded diarrhea. It was the one thing that would drive her ovaries to madness, and it was about to happen. If it came too late, she wouldn't even be able to enjoy her victory.

"That no good nigger gave me TB!" She slammed her hooves onto the bed, and Blueblood's confused, slimy rod was jostled. With a single pinch to it, it was driven over the edge, and began retreating. Up and down it heaved, expelling weeks of frustration and overwork.

Meanwhile, Rarity felt totally blissful. Every last detail had gone to plan, and then some. It was as if reality was melting away around her. Space and time no longer existed; she was in paradise.

Her partner was in no such mood. After briefly zoning out from a tickled pleasure center, rage fell upon him. "What," he demanded, "was that?" He drew out his cock to find it smeared with turds and other unpleasant residue. "What just happened?"

Rarity rolled over, her body plastered in placenta. "I couldn't help myself. I needed someone to please me, and... can you blame a girl?"

Blueblood was ready to strike her down, when she suddenly grabbed her stomach.

"Oh my, it seems as if I've got something building up." She braced herself, and her anus spread. Instead of something mushy and moist, out emerged a solid creature. From her insides, a mouth poked out.

"Oh god," shouted the mouth, "how did I get in here?" A pair of hooves reached out and spread her anus wide. A comedically large opening emerged, and out came a second Blueblood.

"Yeah," said the narrator, "I don't even know what's going on anymore."

The two Bluebloods stared at each other. Each looked over the other's shoulder, the put a hoof to the other.

"Let me explain," said the second Blueblood. "I come from the future, where I cured homosexuality. But if you have sex with this mare right here, you'll doom us all."

"But..." said the first, "but I already did!"

The second looked to the ground. "Well, it seems as if we have but one choice. We'll have to fuck her to death, and bury the body."

They shook hooves, and looked to Rarity. Her penis was retracting into vagina, her timer running out.

"Ah, it appears as we have both holes to work with."

Blueblood number 1 laughed. "You know what this calls for?"

The both nodded. "Double. Penetration."

Rarity smiled awkwardly, and prepared for the worst. "Well, here we go again."

In The Bathroom

Ah, the anus. The most versitile part of the body. It's a waste disposal site, a container for very small objects, a good reason to brush one's tongue, and in case of emergency, a Faith: Fuckable ass inlet to hump. To certain people, non-people, former people and the occassional anthromophized horse, however, it is a source of daily sexual pleasure, even without the use of shlongs and glass dildos.

Rarity stood, rump aloft, above a pile of hay. How fitting, it was, that the hay she might have consumed earlier that day was now being defecated on instead. Truly, we are all one and the same, only borrowing the refuse of others temporarily, living monuments to the excrements of others.

"Aw shitbollocks, yes," she exclaimed, "I think it's gonna happen this time." A swirling, gurgling sensation that had built up for so long in her lower instestines had come to a boil, and the payoff could not come sooner. Rarity's cornhole ocilated in preparation of the coming load, and began seizing the incoming fecal matter. It gripped at the turds gleefully, and began sliding them outwards.

For a moment, Rarity felt a slight urge to stop partially through. Perhaps, if she stopped at that very moment, and allowed gravity to take its course, her sun-dried feces would sink back into her body. Oh what a feeling it would be, for her own body to injest its own products, and bring the cycle back around without any middleman. No one would ever have to know, and she could make a game out of how long she could keep this process going until she could no longer suffer the pressure. Perhaps she'd count how long she could juggle a log in her bum, letting in expand and contract like a mushy little penis. Had anyone even thought of that before? Of course not! Rarity was always on the cutting edge of new trends, and had never heard of such an ingenius practice. She'd be a trendsetter, a visionary. Her name would be immortalized in—

"Yo yo yo B-boy Rarity dog G!" Twilight hailed Rarity from around the corner. In her shock, Rarity lost her grip on the turd log and let it fall to the ground. She didn't even have a chance to raise her tail, leaving bits of food waste upon her unsoiled purple mane. Rarity, turned her head to the door, to see if she was being spied on. There was no sign of Twilight, Hitler or anyone else that may have seen her. She quickly flicked her tail, whipping away a curved chunk of corn, which had grown hard, thin and sharp. She fondly remembered it sticking to the walls of her back exit just moments ago.

"Yes, Twilight, I will be there in just a moment." She struttered towards the door to the stables, feeling moist in both holes. With a parting shot, she stared back at her poo, sitting amongt that of dozens of other ponies. If she turned back now, and quickly swallowed it now, no one would know. There was still time. With just a bit of fetus and mouthwash, she could wash the smell away before the night was done. No, not tonight.

Rarity stepped out of the bathrooms back into the main floor of Canterlot Ballroom. A gathering of socialates and distinguished individuals had been scheduled for tonight, and somehow, Twilight had been chosen as the entertainer. Rarity decided to use her clout and her clit to get into the merrymaking, to support her friend. Twilight was already onstage, and scanned the croud for Rarity. Seeing her, she was inspired, and began rapping:

"Poor little Steven Skeltere!
Even the chaplain won't forgive you!
Forever lies your pleading cries but Suzy knows you felt her!
Nowhere left for you to run!
Every fault laid bare in the open, along with your skin, splayed out from within!
Once the monster has his fun!
Take heed, it's not too late, mistakes needn't haunt you forever.
Though you have regret, you can't just forget!
You alone decide your fate, nigga!"

There was much appluase.