Love Hurts (Spike Is Full of Splinters and His New Girlfriend Is on Fire)

by Mockingbirb

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Mayor Mare, Other, Romance, Sex, Spike, Adventure
Length: 1624

Twilight Sparkle demands an explanation. She spends most of the story getting it.

Twilight Sparkle demands an explanation. She spends most of the story getting it.

Published 2021-01-29 11:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-01-29 11:00:00 UTC

Ouch

"Why is it MY job to punish you for this?" Twilight asked.

"Because you ain't our parents," Apple Bloom said.

Sweetie Belle chimed in, "You don't have to PUNISH us, exactly."

Scootaloo explained, "You've written a lot of letters to Princess Celestia with friendship lessons in them. So I'll bet you can help us find the best friendship lessons in this too."

"Also," Sweetie argued, "you're a princess! So once you've decided how to punish us, if our parents don't agree, you outrank them!"

Twilight wondered if ignoring the three fillies would make them go away. If they went away, she could get some work done. But that would be easier with some help from her favorite assistant. "Have any of you seen Spike?"

The three fillies looked embarrassed.

"Funny you should mention that," Apple Bloom said. "Y'see, Ah had a biology paper to write for school. And Ah got a great idea to learn somethin' new."

***

After a few minutes of explanation, Twilight asked, "You did WHAT?"

"It was perfectly safe!" Apple Bloom insisted. "And it's just like we do on the farm. We breed animals there all the time."

"But timberwolves are dangerous," Twilight insisted. "And who needs MORE of them? And why would you watch animals doing THAT anyway?"

"Ah mean, we watch the parts where they kiss. Not the...rest of it. But we have to pay attention to which animals like each other, so we can put them in the barn together."

Sweetie argued, "It's what Cherilee calls comparative biology. It's like how different flowers look different, but they're kind of the same too."

"Did you think to ask Cherilee before you tried this?"

Scootaloo bragged, "We were going to surprise her with our new discovery!"

"Dying in the Everfree Forest isn't exactly a new discovery. It's old and trite and NOT A GOOD IDEA!"

"But the timberwolves wouldn't even have noticed us!" Scootaloo insisted. "If only that darn Spike hadn't interfered."

"Yes. Explain to me how SPIKE is to blame for all of this."

"Our plan was perfectly safe," Apple Bloom insisted. "We made up some more love potion...or love poison, either one would work...and we put it in these water balloons Ah found in mah brother's...stuff." The earth pony pulled some rubber goods out of her saddlebags, so Twilight could see them.

"I hope to Celestia those are empty."

Scootaloo said, "These aren't the FULL ones. We already used those. The full ones were to throw into the timberwolves' mouths, so they would fall in love with each other and we could see how timberwolves kiss."

"An' they would be so distracted kissin', they wouldn't even notice we was there!" Apple Bloom argued. "Perfectly safe!"

Twilight stared at the three fillies. "So you couldn't see any way your plan could possibly go wrong?"

Sweetie said, "Well of COURSE we can see NOW how it went wrong. But if Spike hadn't shown up, we would have had it all under control. It was all his fault."

"How is this SPIKE'S fault, again?"

Scootaloo explained, "We found some timberwolves, and we were about to throw the balloons into their mouths--"

"So we would be safe!" Sweetie interrupted. "Saved by the power of love!"

Scootaloo said disgustedly, "But then Spike got in our way. It was like he thought he was trying to protect us."

Apple Bloom said, "He didn't even know he was doing the exact opposite. Because when we threw the balloons, he got in the way!"

Scootaloo shook her head sadly. "He had his mouth open so wide yelling at us to run, one of the balloons got into his mouth and his teeth popped it."

"And he swallowed it!"

"But he didn't ruin everything. The other balloons went into a timberwolf's mouth."

"Oh," Twilight said. She levitated a piece of paper with a lot of fine print on it. "That explains a lot."

"Good!" Sweetie said happily. "So you understand it wasn't our fault."

"No. I understand why I got a bill from the vet for removing well over a hundred splinters from Spike."

"It's only natural," Apple Bloom said. "When animals get to feelin' all lovey-dovey, they start cuddlin', and rubbin' all up against each other."

"Yes," Twilight said. "That explains it perfectly. I'm sure you learned all about that on the farm."

Scootaloo chimed in, "See! It's not Apple Bloom's fault. It's just natural."

The three fillies stared at something behind Twilight. Twilight turned around. Through the window, the ponies saw a full size timberwolf running through Ponyville. Also, the timberwolf was on fire.

"It's not OUR fault!" Sweetie shouted. "It was for school!"

"Ah think ah want to ask Applejack an' Big Macintosh how Ah should be punished for this. Because this looks lahk a real good time to get outta town an' back to the farm. Any o' you wanna come with?"

"Sounds great!" Sweetie Belle agreed.

"No way!" Scootaloo said. "We created a problem, and now it's our job to help fix it. Somehow."

Sweetie watched the burning timberwolf running past again, but now going the opposite direction. "I think I'd rather live."

Twilight stared at a small creature running in front of the timberwolf. The baby dragon was wearing a blindfold, which explained why he kept running into things. The frequent collisions and falls weren't entirely bad. They caused sudden changes in direction, which had so far prevented the timberwolf from catching the dragonling. "What I want to know is, why is Spike wearing a blindfold?"

Sweetie said excitedly, "It was something I read about in one of my sister's romance books! We told him if he wore a blindfold, it would make the timberwolf extra excited and happy to see him!"

"What."

The unicorn filly said, "Haven't you ever heard that love is blind? I just thought we could apply the theory."

"What?"

Apple Bloom explained, "Spike is so lovestruck, he cain't rightly think straight. We thought he maht believe it, and believe it he did."

"I suppose you hope that if Spike keeps that blindfold on for an hour, that means he won't have seen the timberwolf for an hour, and the love potion will wear off."

"Exactly!" Scootaloo's wings buzzed with excitement. "Great plan, huh? And here I was afraid you wouldn't understand."

"What I don't understand is, how do you plan to get the timberwolf to fall out of love with Spike?"

"Um...that was Sweetie Belle's part. What did you think of, Sweetie?"

"I didn't think of anything. So I asked somepony else for help."

"Somepony really smart?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Not exactly. Maybe. Not really?"

With a "WHAM!" Spike ran straight into the window, startling Twilight. "Oh..." she moaned in sympathy. A pegasus swooped down and grabbed Spike, lifting the baby dragon off the ground.

Rainbow Dash sped through the air, carrying Spike towards the Everfree Forest. The burning timberwolf gave chase.

Soon Dashie, Spike and the lovestruck timberwolf were long gone.

Twilight sighed. "Rainbow Dash is smart enough to lead the timberwolf far away from town, and give the monster the slip. I guess the timberwolf won't be able to find Spike for hours, and the potion's effects should wear off. I suppose." Twilight stared at the three fillies. "Do you have any idea how much trouble you three are in?"

"Nope," Scootaloo said. "My parents won't be back in town for months."

"Me neither," Apple Bloom said. "Ah got to work all the time anyway, seems lahk. Ah don't know what more AJ an' Mac 're gonna do to me. An' they'll probably LAHK that Ah set a timberwolf on fire."

Sweetie sighed. "You do know Rarity isn't my mother, right?"

The fillies shouted, "Our parents can't punish us!" They ran out of the room and back outside, as fast as they could go.

Twilight sighed. "I guess this DOES explain a lot." She went outside to see how much of Ponyville had been destroyed.

As she looked around at smoldering rubble, Mayor Mare walked up. "Good news!" the gray-maned mare said.

"Good news? How's that?"

"A team of researchers sent me a proposal for burning up all of the timberwolves in the Everfree Forest. We will finally be safe!"

Twilight watched a stallion run down the street. The stallion wore a long scarf, of which one end trailing behind him was on fire. "Take off your scarf!" Twilight shouted.

"But I really like this scarf!" the stallion shouted back. "I'm headed for the nearest lake to put it out."

"Great! I hope you get there before your scarf fire spreads to your tail!"

The stallion kept running away very quickly, and didn't seem to hear Twilight.

"Who are these researchers?" Twilight asked.

"They sent me an anonymous letter. But did you see how that one timberwolf has caught fire already? I think they must know what they're doing."

Twilight sighed. She started walking towards the veterinarian's office, to find out how long it might be until Spike healed.

After that, she thought, she might ask Princess Celestia for a transfer back to Canterlot. Even Prince Blueblood might be better than this.

Prince Blueblood, Twilight had learned though her own experiments at the last Galloping Gala, could sometimes be trained by whacking him on the nose repeatedly with a rolled up newspaper.

She defintely had to move back to Canterlot. The Canterlot Crier was so much more substantial than either of Ponyville's local papers.

It really would be for the best.

Author's Note

One of the secrets of fimfiction: if you laugh a lot at a comedy, you can click on the green 'thumbs' up' symbol to upvote it!

It's ok to let people know you like it! :twilightsmile: