Question Pizza

by Mockingbirb

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Rarity, Horror, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 1476

Some ponies who work in retail marvel at the stupid questions customers ask. But wherever there's a problem, there's an opportunity.

Some ponies who work in retail marvel at the stupid questions customers ask.

But wherever there's a problem, there's an opportunity.

(Maybe even an inexhaustible resource.)

This story is dedicated to Daniel P. You know what you did. :twilightsmile:

(Story image is from the MLP show.)

Published 2021-02-13 22:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-02-13 22:10:01 UTC

So Many Questions

"While we're in the neighborhood," Pinkie said, "we should stop at Question Pizza."

"What's that?" Twilight asked.

"That's great! You've got questions already!"

Twilight's eyebrows rose slightly. "Um...ok."

"Ah'd like to try real New Yoke style pizza," Applejack opined. "How 'bout you, Rarity?"

Rarity nodded.

Twilight said, "Lead the way, Pinkie."

***

A few minutes later, Twilight smelled freshly baked pizza nearby. She remarked, "That does smell good."

Pinkie put two bits into a vending machine, from which she accepted two short pencils and some pieces of paper.

"What's this even about?" Twilight asked.

"Oooh. Is that your question?"

"I don't even know. How does this work?"

A plump green and blue mare had been carefully writing on her own paper, but she stopped to speak. "That's a good question. But an answer's already up." The mare pointed at a large signboard.

"Pizza shop counterponies get asked a lot of questions. Please write your question down in advance to save time. Our favorite questions might be posted on a question board."

"Oh," Twilight said. "So is this a competition?"

"You can look it at that way," Pinkie said. "Or you can just get some pizza and have fun."

The poofy-maned pony hoofed a pencil and paper to Twilight, and scribbled on her own. "There!" she said, showing her note around. She passed the first pencil and the leftover paper to Applejack.

Twilight read Pinkie's note. "A medium with pineapple and mushrooms. Have you changed your recipe since last time I was here?" Twilight scratched her head. "Well, I guess you know what you're doing."

Twilight started writing a note of her own, but stopped to ask Pinkie a question. "Is a medium pizza big enough for two ponies?"

"You COULD have half of mine...but it's also fun to get any kind of special pizza you want."

Twilight said, "Oh! I have an idea." She crossed out what she'd written, and scribbled a new note.

In a few minutes, the line advanced far enough for Pinkie and her friends to go inside. Pinkie handed a counterpony her note and ten bits.

"Haven't changed the recipe in years." The counterpony chuckled. "Why mess with perfection?"

"Yay! I can hardly wait!" Pinkie Pie cheered.

Rarity's note and bits got an approving nod. "Good question. We'll staple the full answer to your pizza box."

Twilight laid her note and ten bits on the counter. The counterpony read the paper. "We'll do the best we can."

When Applejack's turn came, the counterperson pursed his lips. "That's a hard one. I hope you don't mind if there's a little pizza sauce on it."

"Huh?" Applejack said.

The counterpony pointed at a table with a dictionary on top. "It's under the letter L. If you don't like that answer, there's some philosophy books in the third drawer down, under the table."

"Why did he say that?" Twilight asked. She eyed the book, and edged over towards that corner of the room.

Applejack laughed. "I asked, what's the meaning of life?"

"Wow!" Pinkie squealed. "That's a good question for your first time. Getting the big things out of the way first."

Unable to resist, Twilight reached out with her magical energy to open the drawers under the table. "Oooh!" Twilight said. "This is a good one." She levitated a book onto the tabletop, and started flipping though it.

Applejack looked doubtful. "Can you really get the meaning of life out of a book?"

Twilight smiled playfully. "It's fun to try." She flipped to another page of the Annotated Encyclopedia of Philosophy, Layponies' Edition. "Look! This pony said the meaning of life is just to have fun while it lasts."

Pinkie guffawed. "I could have told you that!" She pointed at a chalkboard on the wall. "Look! Today's theme is stupid questions!"

Applejack read aloud from the board, "Yes, you CAN get a pizza with the crust on the top and the cheese on the bottom. But we charge extra for that, and you only paid the regular price."

Rarity nodded. "Good answer. As somepony who works retail, I should know."

Rarity and Applejack started telling stories about their experiences selling clothing and apples.

Twenty minutes later, an aproned pony carried a stack of pizza boxes to the table. He set a box in front of each pony before he went back to the kitchen.

Pinkie Pie opened her box. "Just how I like it." She took a nibble.

Rarity skimmed the printed sheet stapled to the top of her box. "Huh. I never would have thought of doing it that way." She carefully folded the instructions and stored them in a saddlebag. "Next time somepony gets pizza stains on a fancy dress, I'm prepared."

Applejack raised her box's lid.

Twilight laughed. "Wow, a pizza with sliced apples on top? Who'd ever have guessed?"

Applejack blushed slightly. "Not apples. Pears. Ah reckoned since Ah'm visitin' the big city, maht as well kick up my heels a little, get wild an' crazy."

Rarity said, "Good thought. I'm sure somepony even thinks that might be the meaning of life." She gestured at the book Twilight had opened.

Rarity's pizza had some kind of fancy Prench cheese, with tomatoes and herbs on top.

"Wow," Twilight said. "That smells great, Rarity. What kind of herbs are those?"

Rarity nodded with some satisfaction. "The best, evidently."

Twilight lifted the lid of her pizza box, and screamed. "NOOOO! HOW DID IT FIND ME?" She let the lid fall.

"What?" Rarity asked. She bent down to peer beneath the lid. "Oh my stars. This is simply unacceptable. I don't know how they possibly--"

Applejack peeked. "Well...that's just sockdarned weird."

Twilight gasped. "I should have known...but I thought I was safe here. I thought I was safe!" She screamed again.

A pony wearing cook's whites and an apron ran up to the table. "What happened?"

"Th-th-this." Twilight said, shaking her head.

The cook reached out with one hoof, lifing the lid barely far enough to peek beneath. "Oh yes," he said. "The SPECIAL order."

"I didn't mean for it to be like this," Twilight said sadly.

"I beg you to understand," the stallion said sympathetically. "You asked for the most unusual, special pizza we could make, that you probably wouldn't hate."

Twilight blushed. "I did."

"We tried very hard. We had an entire kitchen of supplies to work with. But what did we know? What evidence did we have?"

The cook waved a forehoof in the air, as if ticking off items on a list. "One. You walked into a pizza restaurant, and asked for a pizza. That doesn't tell us which toppings you do or don't like. But it lets us infer certain facts. You probably like pizza."

Twilight shook her head sadly. "True. At least I always thought I did."

"Anypony who likes pizza probably likes the pizza crust, the pizza sauce, the usual toppings. True enough?"

Twilight said in a tiny voice, "No comment."

"When you were at the counter, our counterman caught a peek of what is inside your bag. Books mostly, of several different kinds. But also some food ingredients. We thought, maybe they are your special favorites."

"Oh no," Rarity said. "The special fish sauces and imported grubs we picked up for Fluttershy, because she feeds them to a few of her animals. Did the pizza cooks think YOU..."

"You never told us whether you prefer thick crust, thin crust, or regular. So we decided to compromise. Most ponies who hate thin crust think it's too stiff, like a cracker. So we thought, a thin crust that ISN'T stiff..."

The cook gestured for Twilight to step back, away from the table. He slowly opened the box. "We even put the tomato sauce on the side, just in case you don't like it a little spicy."

Everypony saw the thing inside the box. A crust that was thin, but flexible, and folded over on itself a single time. Melted cheese leaking from between the two layers of crust. On the side, two different little containers of spicy tomato sauce.

The evidence was unmistakable. Question Pizza had surprised Twilight Sparkle with a well-crafted quesadilla hidden inside a pizza box.

"Oh Celestia," Twilight moaned, staring at the food that was almost, but not quite, a pizza. The food that all rational logic said should be acceptable, but which nonetheless horrified her more than her words could ever express.

Twilight wondered whether she would ever again be able to step into a pizza restaurant, or open a pizza box.

Was a formerly beautiful part of her life ruined forever?

She just didn't know. Maybe someday she WOULD know. But not yet.

Author's Note

An upside down pizza with the cheese stuck to the inside of the box is called foreshadowing. Ask any writer. :twilightsmile: