Perks of Being a Dadking

by -Chaotic Discord-

Rating: everyone
Tags: Pharynx, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Changelings, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Thorax, Anthology
Length: 2301

When you're a lonely love vampire, you befriend baby dragons. It's what you do. When you're an alpha bugmoose who adopts an entire hive, you teach reformed parasites how to be cute and cuddly. It's what you do.

When you're a lonely love vampire, you befriend baby dragons. It's what you do.

When you're an alpha bugmoose who adopts an entire hive, you teach reformed parasites how to be cute and cuddly. It's what you do.

Featured 1/19/2022 - 1/21/2022!

* Comedic spin-off based off the Love Bug Continuity fanonverse.
* Story artwork commissioned by myself, created by my good buggo friend CitreneSkys!

Published 2022-01-19 19:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-01-19 19:00:01 UTC

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"Are you guys okay?" asked Thorax, setting down his levitated drink and watching the changelings gasp collectively. "Are you all thirsty too or something? There's plenty of nectar for everyling, you know."

"So bright," cooed a yellow drone. Thorax blinked.

"What was that?"

"Lamp?"

"Come again?"

"Lamp."

"I'm sorry, I don't know what that means, Brelix."

"Just do the sparkly thing again, Thorax!"

Thorax raised an eyebrow. Colorful eyes like spotlights watched him by the dozen.

"What sparkly thing?"

"Your pincers!"

"Antlers," remarked another changeling. "Pincers go on your face, Brelix."

"Anatomically, maybe. Aesthetically they're more similar to pincers, Xenica."

"Fine—make your antler-pincers glow again, Thorax!"

Thorax smiled. "Is that what all of you are so worked up over?"

"Yeah! Where'd the sparkle go? I need it!"

A blue changeling recklessly flopped himself forth from the crowd of onlookers. Reaching a trembling hoof towards Thorax's antlers, he acted out the throes of death on the hive floor. Thorax sighed.

"You, I'm not so worried about, Calor."

Thorax looked to his drink, and so did the changelings. He looked to the changelings, and they looked at him. Their wings impatiently fidgeted beneath their shells, their grins wide.

Thorax bit his lip. He knew that posture, and it would not end well for his health. But he hadn't the strength to wait out the drones' interest—it was so hot today. Worse still, his hooves wouldn't do, not with the fragile honeycomb used to hold his drink. It was levitation or nothing.

"Guys, don't tackle me, okay? This isn't the time for bug pile."

"Okay, Thorax," chirped a drone, buzzing her wings and lowering herself to the ground.

"We're being good," proclaimed Calor, stretching himself in the same manner. "It's, um, yoga time! Oh boy, I can already feel those glutes!"

"Calor, we don't have those," chided Calor's neighbor. "You just heard it once while we were undercover. I think you're part parrot."

Calor frowned. "It's time for the spectacle, time for the show! The lights are bright and the colors glow!"

"It sure seems like you're all about to tackle me," said Thorax, garnishing attention again. "Those are definitely your pouncing postures."

"Inaccurate," chimed a lime changeling, her gossamer tail wagging behind her. "You're stressed out, Thorax, seeing things in the heat. You should finish your nectar."

Again Thorax regarded his drink, now a forbidden chalice. He looked to the changelings. They'd all mysteriously gotten closer than before.

"Um, guys?"

"Look at how he summons them with his repulsive pincer-antlers. The worm, the traitorous grub!"

Chrysalis ground her jaw into unsightly shapes. Her seaweed mane melted into the backdrop of the hive's greenery—a surprising benefit of the pungent shrubs. So far, her former subjects had not noticed her. Even now, she could hear them, babbling on about who knew what, completely unsuspecting of what lurked in their midst.

"Do you guys see that ugly thorn over there?"

"Where?"

"That big crooked one sticking out of that bush. A changeling could hurt themselves running into that."

"Where's Scapus? Isn't he supposed to be pruning today? Someling get me some hedge trimmers!"

Chrysalis chortled to herself. She was a master of stealth.

"...aw, it won't work."

"You can't just poke it, Serpilla. What sort of light turns on just by touching it? Be serious."

Thorax sighed again, this time from beneath an arguing, spherical mass of his former peers. With every jab against his antler, an equally uncomfortable hoof pressed carelessly into his face and back.

"Hey, that's not Thorax's antler, that's my wing case!"

"Well don't stick your fat carapace in front of my slowly advancing hoof then!"

"Guys, please don't argue," said Thorax, angrily stomping hooves his only audience. "I don't mind making my antlers glow, but I'd prefer you ask instead of tackling me. Being kind to each other would be nice, too."

"Will you guys shut up? The sparkle won't come back if you keep yelling. It's bad enough you went and spooked it."

"Spooked it? You're ridiculous, Cercila. Light doesn't even have ears, so how could it get spooked?"

"Guys."

"Maybe your ugly face scared it away then, Scapus. You ever consider that?"

"About as much as I consider you a patrol scout worth her chitin. Which is not at all, by the way."

"Guys!"

"Aren't you supposed to be hedge trimming today, Scapus? I hear there's a thorn over there almost as ugly as you. Maybe you should go make friends with it, since you clearly can't be bothered to prune it."

"That's it, come here and catch these hooves, bug breath! I'll prune your face!"

"Everyling please stop!"

A spark of magic washed over the room, wrapping every changeling in a teal aura. Lifted off their scampering hooves, they looked to Thorax, now standing tall with a disappointed frown.

"I understand that everyling is a little on edge," he said. "A lot of us are still getting used to feeling emotions instead of preying on them, and that'll take time to get used to. But can't we at least try to get along in the meantime?"

One by one, changelings were gently dropped back to the floor. Thorax softened his tone.

"We share love magic now, everyling, so there's no need to fight or be competitive towards each other anymore. How about we all just take a moment to relax and enjoy this really nice afternoon together?"

A hoof raised from the audience. Thorax beamed.

"Yes, Brelix?"

"Um, yes, hello, Lamp. Brelix, here. Please don't leave us again—we'll be good this time."

Thorax furrowed his brow. Brelix was looking at his antlers, not his eyes. Only then did Thorax notice that his own shadow was mimicking him from beneath his hooves, puppeteered by a teal glow still on display.

"...none of you heard a word I said, did you?"

Thorax turned off his antlers, and bickering quickly filled the room again. He turned them on, and perfectly attentive angels watched him with eyes full of wonder. He repeated this experiment several times.

"Okay, fine, you guys want the light to stay?"

Excited hooves clapped in response.

"The light will only stay if you turn to the changeling next to you and give them a hug. Also, if you called them names or threatened them in any way, you have to apologize, too."

The changelings grumbled but reluctantly did as they were told. Thorax grinned shamelessly.

"Distracted once again. Now's my chance."

Cloaking herself in a veil of green fire, Chrysalis emerged from the shrubs as a sandy-brown changeling, her eyes a vivid emerald. She slunk towards the unsuspecting group from the back of the room.

"I don't know what sort of hypnotic powers you've discovered, Thorax, but it's rendered my drones even more obtuse to their surroundings than usual. This will be even easier than I thought."

Just then, Chrysalis stopped. Something tight had wrapped around her from her blind spot. When she turned, she stifled a shout. A purple changeling was eerily smiling and clinging to her.

"Hi there! I didn't say anything mean to you, but we can be hug buddies anyway. Is there anything you did to someling else that you'd like to apologize for while we hug?"

Every alarm in Chrysalis's head began to blare. She pulled herself from the drone's grasp.

"What are you implying? I'd never hurt a fellow pastel abomina—I mean, changeling. I'm just here to see Thorax."

"Oh, me too! I think everyling is. He showed us the sparkle, and now if we give each other hugs, it'll stay around."

"The 'sparkle', you say. Fascinating. Tell me more about this 'sparkle'."

"Oh, it's majestic. It comes from Thorax's pincer-antlers. Some changelings are saying that it was the sparkle that chose him to be our new leader. I mean, we've only known about it since this afternoon, but you know how those speculative types work."

Chrysalis turned from the changeling and began to maliciously rub her front hooves together. He put on a concerned look.

"It seems Thorax isn't the natural born leader he pretends to be. Imagine that. Using tricks to keep the changelings in check? I'm almost impressed. Clearly this needs further probing."

"Hey, are you plotting?"

Chrysalis froze again. She turned around, as if shocked to find the purple drone still there, listening.

"Am I what?"

"Plotting." The changeling frowned at her. "You know as well as I do how Thorax feels about plotting."

"I don't-"

"'Plotting, scheming, concocting, or devising anything in bad faith is not a part of who we are anymore'," the changeling seemed to cite from memory. "If you don't approve of Thorax or the sparkle, you should talk with him directly about it."

Chrysalis stammered. "What are you—how did you hear me? No one's ever been able to eavesdrop on my thoughts before, even when they're in song form."

"I just overheard you."

"...Do you have uncanny hearing, or are most creatures just situationally deaf?"

"No tricks, promise! I just saw you muttering in a malicious tone. Thorax says that's a red flag for someling who's plotting."

Chrysalis curled her lip. "You know, if you'd all been this effective at dealing with potential threats when I was still in power, none of us would be where we are."

"What was that?"

"Oh, my, your hug was just what I needed," Chrysalis monotoned, her face utterly indifferent. "I'm such a happy pastel changeling, now. Thank you. You'd better hurry and go see the sparkle. I'll catch up."

The drone grinned. With an accomplished smile he turned and trotted away.

Chrysalis glanced around. Though her ploy had worked, her figurative walls had begun to close in. Thanks to her attentive company, other changelings were beginning to take notice of her. She retreated a few steps and scoffed.

"I must be out of practice for a pest like that to ruin my advantage. How humiliating."

Across the room, Chrysalis's tormentor scouted a group of changelings lined up to see Thorax's antlers. When he looked back to await his sandy companion, he found she was gone. Distress came as flopped ears, and he left the line briefly to search for her, but just as he did, a familiar, paternal tone called to him.

"Is everything okay, Cercus?"

Cercus wrinkled his snout. His ears perked to the familiar voice, and with another jaunty turn, he quickly rejoined his peers.

"Yeah, I'm good, Thorax! Um, I hugged a changeling just now, so do you think I can see the sparkle up close next?"

Thorax chuckled. Several adults were already hovering around his head, politely taking turns examining the bright teal glow of his antlers. He nodded.

"Yeah, of course you can."

"Curse it all!"

Another slighted bolt of sickly green magic punched a hole in the wall, and Chrysalis let out an agonized groan. She slammed her hooves down on her stone tabletop, leering at the visage of a hissing drone she'd carved in a stump.

"I'd scarcely even stepped out from the shadows before one of them mucked everything up! How was that one so perceptive? I saw them all fall under that traitor's spell, oblivious to all else!"

The stump said nothing. Chrysalis wheeled around, composing herself with a breath.

"No matter. I've learned all I need. Thorax is a sniveling coward, even now. He uses tricks to fool my changelings, to keep them complacent under his frail rule."

Another bolt of green lightning shattered a stump across the room, spraying chips of Thorax's carved face all over the floor. Chrysalis cackled.

"I will unearth every last facade, Thorax, and reveal you as the pretender you are. The changelings will abandon you, just as they did me, and they will come to realize what a real leader looks like. I will have my rightful place on the throne, once again!"

The despot's laughter echoed all the way to the mouth of her cavern hideout. Unbeknownst to her, four pairs of eyes watched her from just around the corner of it.

"Is she serious? Noling wants to have her in charge again. Her horn doesn't glow nearly as bright as Thorax's."

"You weren't even in that skit," grumbled a neighbor. "And anyway, it's probably a good idea to keep an eye on her just in case. Right, Pharynx?"

Tall and proud with robust red antlers, Pharynx narrowed his icy eyes. He sneered when Chrysalis began to prance about, singing some aria of destruction and woe.

"It's our job to protect the hive from any threats, minor or severe. Which one Chrysalis poses to us from here on out remains to be seen. Palpas, Elytra—I'm counting on you to be my extended eyes and ears. We're going to watch her closely."

"Yes sir!" the pair replied with gusto. Their expressions turned sly when they looked to their last companion, a changeling shivering excitedly in place. "...Rob?"

Rob, a new recruit, slammed a hoof into his face with an audible smack. It vaguely resembled a salute.

Pharynx shook his head, too exhausted to even look at his merry band as they began to quietly chitter.

"I'm surrounded by idiots."

Author's Note

Shh. Nobody tell Forrest. :derpyderp1:

This has been a hilariously long time coming. :twilightsheepish: This story has been sitting, unpublished and unsubmitted for the better part of a year simply because I had such a block on it. Big thanks to LevelDasher for helping me get unstuck. :trixieshiftright:

This is going to be a mind dump anthology of very short (1k or less, usually) pieces about the hive and its goofier side. Something light, a sandbox to use when I have ideas but don't want to make a huge spectacle story. Probably sporadic updates based on inspiration. :pinkiesmile: