Starlight's Support Group For Reformed Villains

by Rytex

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Cozy Glow, Starlight Glimmer, Profanity, Fluttershy, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Tirek, Princess Luna
Length: 5055

Starlight runs a support group to help reintegrate Equestria's past villains. It goes about as well as you'd expect.

Capitalizing on her reformation from being a former terror to Equestria, Starlight decided to start a group to help reintegrate former villains in Equestria, as well as offer support for those having trouble adapting. Thus far, her group has grown to include Tirek, Cozy Glow, Chrysalis, Stygian, and Luna. Unfortunately, these meetings stay about as on-topic as Pinkie Pie on a sugar rush giving a speech about the best kind of dessert.

This is the fifth meeting of the support group, and they find themselves with a new attendee: Fluttershy. Not to mention, it turns out that the former villains finding jobs or hobbies that suited their skills may not have had the best of consequences.

Will Starlight be able to help them all become model citizens? What sort of devious terrors have these former villains unknowingly wrought upon Equestria despite their best of intentions? Will Starlight ever learn just what it was Fluttershy did last Thursday? One thing's for sure, she's gonna need a pay raise at the end of all of this.

Rated T for some slight profanity.

Cover art made by Nevel Yashgi. Give the guy a follow over on Twitch, would you?

Proofread by 0_0, many thanks for that and the suggestions.

Featured on 17 February 2021. Thank you all kindly.
Featured on Equestria Daily, 07 April 2021. I'm glad this story made it.

Published 2021-02-17 02:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-02-17 02:20:00 UTC

Session Five

Cozy Glow was going to be, as always, fashionably late. Fashionably, of course, meaning intentionally. Intentionally, of course, meaning she wasn’t coming unless Luna dragged her in kicking and screaming. It was now their fifth session. Four times, Starlight had been treated to the sight of Cozy being yanked in by her tail. Fifth, yet to be seen.

They always met once a month to discuss how their reformed lives were going, and Starlight, like a good (former) Guidance Counselor, was always willing to help everyone through this difficult time. Periods of transition were always hard, but she had done it. So had Discord, and Trixie. They had both offered to assist her with these little get-togethers, and at first, Starlight had figured she could use the help.

Never again. They would never ever talk about the “Derpy In The Sky With Diamonds” incident again.

Starlight sighed as she looked around the big, empty, blue room. Without Princess Twilight around, there was a lot less stuff cluttering the place up. This particular chamber seemed a lot roomier now that Spike's boxes upon boxes of Power Ponies comics weren't around taking up all of the space, to say nothing of how the library felt every time she walked into it.

At the moment, it was only herself in the meeting chamber. As expected. Looked like her usual time-killing method was needed.

Turning her notebook back several pages, she found the drawing of Princess Starlight Glimmer the Magnificent and Glorious she had been working on for the last few sessions. With any luck, by the time anyone actually got here, she’d have finished the shading on her undercarriage. After all, no one ever showed up early to these things except her. And sometimes Discord because of course the Embodiment of Chaos couldn’t predictably be late. Trixie had been early before, the two times she actually showed up. Hay, most of them didn’t even show up on time, with varying levels of good excuses.

Starlight ran a hoof down her face. She still couldn’t believe no one had shown Stygian how to work doorbells.

Meeting! Meeting notes. Look over the meeting notes.

“Um… Starlight? Is the meeting today?”

Oh, right. The second little nuisance she had to deal with. For some reason, Fluttershy had been incessant for the last several days, showing up and asking to attend the support group. Starlight had been polite at first, but this was now the eighth time.

“Fluttershy, we’ve been over this.” Starlight plastered a cheery smile on her face as she looked over at the entrance to this room. “You’re the kindest, most demure soul who ever lived. This is a meeting for villains. Terrors of Equestria, the scum of the earth—”

“Jaywalkers.”

“Yes, actual crimi—wait, no!”

“I promise, Starlight, I do belong here. If you’ll just let me explain...”

“Explain what?” asked Starlight, arching an eyebrow. “Did you make a frowny face at some animals on the way here? Fluttershy, you’re too pure and good for this sinful earth, much less for this support group.”

“But I turn into a vampire every full moon,” Fluttershy protested, shrinking down in her shame. “And I... “ Her voice trailed down to a whisper. “...sometimes get very peeved with the ponies in the market.”

“Fluttershy!” Starlight snapped, jabbing a hoof at the nearby sign on the wall that had a list of rules. “We do not use profanity in this room!”

“I’m sorry, I’m a horrible pony. Clearly I belong here with the other lowlifes of Equestria,” she said, perhaps a little too eagerly and dashing in to seat herself on a stool. “And that’s of course not mentioning what happened last Thursday—”

“No!” Starlight facehoofed. “Don’t make me add you to the ban list.”

“B-ban list?” Fluttershy’s eyes widened. “Wh-what ban list?”

“A list of ponies I banned from these meetings for being disruptive while not actually deserving to be here. Pinkie Pie, Discord, Trixie, Maud Pie, and Mudbriar are all not allowed to turn up to these things. And speaking of turning up, where is everyone?” she added, trotting over to the entrance and looking around.

Thankfully, Former-Princess Luna was striding their way, looking quite pleased with herself and carrying a mildly inconvenienced Cozy Glow behind her by the tail.

“Oh good, actual group members.” Starlight wiped her brow. “Just have a seat, we’ll get started when everyone gets here, which may or may not happen before Fluttershy leaves.”

“Ah, your presence was expected, fair Fluttershy.” Luna inclined her head toward the quivering pegasus who was trying to scootch her way into the corner of the room. “Fear not, the path to recovery exists for all of us.”

“Wait, what?” asked the familiar foalish voice of Starlight’s least-favorite student from her spot on the ground. “What’s Butterfly doing in here?”

“Have you not heard of the events of this Thursday past?”

Frankly, Starlight was beginning to wonder about the events of this Thursday past.

“Is anyone else coming, Luna?” Starlight asked, glancing down her roll of expected attendees. Looked like it was a bunch of A-Listers today. Chrysalis, Tirek, Cozy, Luna, and Stygian were all slated for attendance.

“Verily, we passed a pony we believe to actually be Chrysalis in disguise as she preyed upon poor Sunburst.” Luna shook her head with a dramatic air. “She appeared to have a similar coat color albeit a shade darker, but her hooves were white, and she was wearing a sort of blue ribbon around her neck—”

“That wasn’t Chrysalis,” Starlight sighed. So Stellar Flare was in town. Lovely. “That’s his mother.”

As if to prove her right, a tiny little fly buzzed into the room, and after a moment where the fly floated its way over to a seat, there was a sudden burst of green fire and Chrysalis appeared in its place, giving Fluttershy an oddly proud look.

“My my, Fluttershy,” she mused aloud, though Fluttershy had almost instantly cowered in the corner at the former Queen’s jumpscare. “I never thought to have expected such villainy from you of all ponies. You’ve been the topic of some very juicy gossip since last Thursday.”

Okay, seriously. What had happened last Thursday?

“Soooo sorry I’m late,” Chrysalis lied, finally turning her attention away from the quivering pile of pink hair and giving Starlight a smug grin. “I was busy soaking your pillow in ice-water. I also happened to accidentally throw all of your replacement pillows into a fire.” She dragged a hoof across her own forehead. “It seems you’re going to have to spend your night sleeping on a soaked sack of cotton. How horrible.”

Starlight clenched her eyes shut and let out a long breath through her nose. Great. She had that to look forward to later on.

Note to self: ask Twilight for a pay raise.

Fortunately, Tirek and Stygian stepped through the door at that moment.

“...And if I may make a recommendation,” Tirek said, giving Stygian a friendly pat on the back, “I personally prefer mine to be an exact 7 pH, and served at a nice crisp temperature without ice. Give that a try next time, it will change your life.”

“Should I include those throat massages you mentioned?”

“To maximize travel velocity down the throat, I highly recommend it. Oh, and I forgot to ask an important question.” Tirek suddenly turned his attention back to Stygian. “Are you a Vertie or a Horie?”

“I’m sorry, is he a what?” Fluttershy stared at them.

Tirek gave her a strange look. “A Vertie or a Horie. A vertical drinker or horizontal drinker. It’s what we call them in our circle of hobbyists.”

“Oh.” Stygian broke out of an embarrassed look he’d been trying to hide a moment before. “I’m a Horie myself. I just like to see it as I drink, you know? Feel like that’s half the pleasure.”

“Great!” Starlight interrupted them before they could continue talking about their out-of-group fun. The sooner she was finished with this meeting, the sooner she could just go home. “I’m so glad the two of you have found yourselves a hobby you enjoy, even if it is just water-drinking, but could you please talk about it on your own time and not during our monthly support group?”

“We would, but neither of us want to be here,” Tirek replied bluntly, giving Starlight an annoyed glance, before he plopped himself down next to all the chairs.

“I want to be here.”

“Well, you deserve to be here.” Tirek gave Fluttershy a disgusted look. “Even I’d never do such a thing.”

“I would.”

“Shut up, Cozy.”

Even as Cozy Glow cackled, Fluttershy looked quite ashamed of herself, but nodded glumly as she clambered into a seat.

“Great, great.” Starlight plastered the fake smile on her face again. “So, last month, we left off talking about finding jobs to help reintegrate ourselves. Now, Princess Twilight assures me you’ve all found places of employment, but there have been a few… incidents.”

Chrysalis rolled her eyes.

“...and I think it’s important that we address what we did wrong. I mean, I myself had some problems when I was first starting out.” Starlight smiled fondly at the memories. “I brainwashed all of Twilight’s friends so I could spend time with them.”

Everyone looked over at Fluttershy, who nodded meekly. “She, uhh… she did do that.”

“So, who wants to go first?” Starlight asked, looking around the room expectantly, but said expectations were low. You learned to just assume the worst in these kinds of meetings.

“Those Philistines!” exclaimed Chrysalis, startling poor Fluttershy in her spot as she erupted. “Those thrice-damned Philistines! They have no appreciation for theatre whatsoever! It’s a smear!”

“Calm down, your Lowness,” Cozy snapped. Chrysalis gave her a death glare. “Who did what now? Who doesn’t appreciate theatre?”

“I put on a one-mare performance of the opera Tosca.” Chrysalis fluttered her wings, snarling. “I put effort into it too. I performed all of the Bitalian roles in impeccably accented dialects, all of my notes were pitch-perfect, and the costumes I mimicked were historically accurate! But those damned handlers just couldn’t have that, could they?”

Starlight pinched her nose. “Chrysalis, the problem wasn’t your performance.”

“What else could it have been?” Chrysalis asked, haughtily placing an offended hoof on her breast.

“The problem was your play selection.”

“Impossible.” Chrysalis shook her head dismissively. “Tosca is a famous opera, and it typically only centers around three performers. It’s one of the easiest to put on one-mare shows, and I have decades of practice with this particular—”

“Chrysalis, you were performing Tosca at a foal’s puppet show.”

“I was, yes.” Chrysalis stared back at her. “I thought traditional theatre would serve the foals far better. It is never too early for them to develop an appreciation for culture.”

Starlight forced her voice back to a more patient tone. “Chrysalis, you were performing Tosca at a foal’s puppet show.”

“What is wrong with Tosca? It is an operatic classic.”

“Wait.” Stygian lifted a hoof. “Isn’t Tosca the one with the—”

“Yes.” Chrysalis nodded.

“And the guy blackmails—”

“That is the one.”

“And his lover—”

“Correct.”

“Oh.” Stygian gulped. “Oh. It’s that one.”

“Ah, finally, someone who appreciates culture,” Chrysalis chirped, and then surprised all of them by cozying herself up next to the suddenly uncomfortable Stygian. “What is your favorite moment? I myself am partial to the scene where Tosca stabs Scarpia in the throat and leaves him to drown in his own blood.”

“Wow, this sounds awesome!” Cozy leaned in, suddenly quite interested in Chrysalis’ story.

“And you don’t see a problem showing this scene to foals?” Starlight glared at the former queen.

“Why would it be a problem?” Chrysalis huffed. “I used to perform the play for my grubs at least once every year when I was in control of the Hive.”

“Chrysalis, they’re foals. They like cutesy little plays about Miss Smartypants and Mister Bookworm going off on reading adventures. Showing them stories of murder and intrigue causes mental trauma.”

“My changelings grew up just fine!” Chrysalis crossed her forehooves, meeting Starlight’s glare with a firm one of her own.

“No! No they did not!” Starlight was absolutely sure she wasn’t the only one who immediately thought about Thorax.

“You uncultured swines,” Chrysalis sulked. “I must be the only one in this room with a real appreciation for the finer things in life.”

“I mean, if it involves people choking on their own blood, it sounds really cool.” Cozy Glow smirked. “Here I thought opera was just a bunch of loud ponies singing overdramatically about the time they spilled cake or something.”

“Ugh, you would think that.” Chrysalis glowered over at the filly. Starlight had been about to butt in that A Dirge Dedicated to Our Diarch’s Dropped Dessert was actually really good once you got past the first act, and she welcomed the interjection.

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?”

“What does it sound like it means?” Chrysalis huffed, glaring at Cozy. “You’re just a little foal who has only the basest understanding of things that less idiotic ponies could manage to grasp in their sleep.”

“Pfft, says the mare who thought making meaner versions of the Element Bearers would be enough to conquer Equestria,” Cozy returned fire with a smirk. “Face it, Chryssie, I did better at my evil plan than you ever did, and ever since, you haven't been able to let it go.”

“In fairness, the three of us did best when we worked together,” Tirek cut in, with as diplomatic a voice as Starlight had ever heard out of the centaur. “It’s not a competition.”

“Thank you, Tirek!” Starlight couldn’t believe she just said that. “We’re not here to argue about our evil plans. The point of this group is—”

“After all, in terms of one-creature plans, I did win until the Tree bestowed upon them an unbeatable power.” Tirek gave them both a smug grin.

Son of a hamster.

“You weren’t at the wedding, you buffoon!” snarled Chrysalis. “I had them all. It was only that pink mare’s unforeseeable love magic that defeated me!”

“If we’re going to make it a competition,” Starlight snapped, feeling a vein bulging in her skull now, “Twilight was never actually able to defeat me, so I have you all beat by a mile. She had to talk me out of it. Now can we please get back on—”

“Sounds like you were the weakest one out of all of us, then,” Chrysalis scoffed. “All she had to do was talk to you? You must have made for a pathetic villain.”

“Hey! I was a perfectly capable villain!” Starlight protested. “I reduced Equestria to ashes in all sorts of multiverses!”

“Multiverses don’t count, everyone knows that.” Cozy rolled her eyes. “Just read some Marevel Comics for once in your life.”

“Believe me, I have, Spike used to keep complete series of storylines in this room.”

“Then you know that every time they kill off an entire world, they just retcon it as being a different universe, and keep on a-goin’.” Cozy dismissively shook her head. “Fact of the matter is, you didn’t do anything to this world, so your plan must have sucked.”

“Now wait just a—!”

“EVERYPONY CEASE!”

The shout echoed around the room, and Starlight was forced to stuff her hooves into her ears to avoid letting them get damaged by Princess No-Indoor-Voice’s decision to scream things at the top of her lungs.

Glancing around, everyone had their ears covered in a similar way. Luna was glaring at all of them from her seat, looking half-annoyed, half-even-more-pleased-with-herself. This was starting to become an unfortunate habit.

“In the name of restoring peace to this collection of fellow reformees,” Luna said much more softly, standing up from her seat, “perhaps I should interrupt with my own struggles?”

“Yes! Luna! Thank you.” Starlight returned to her chair. Her incident was comparatively tame.

“You are quite welcome, Starlight.” Luna gave her a warm grin. “You see, I had recently gotten a part-time job as the librarian of Silver Shoals. I thought I might like to try living Twilight’s old lifestyle for a change, and it would allow me to do a fair bit of reading.”

“That sounds reasonable.” Stygian smiled at her. “You’ll always have more to read, after all. And at a community like Silver Shoals—”

“The pegasus known as Bulk Biceps paid a visit,” Luna continued, frowning.

Starlight’s train of thought came to a screeching halt. “Wait. That Bulk Biceps? Red eyes, gold mane, tiny wings, biceps that are bulky?”

“Verily.”

“Oh. Oh no.”

“Indeed.” Luna smiled sheepishly. “He presented his books to check out while he was spending time with his great aunt Snowflake, and if I asked if he had any others, he felt it was appropriate to shout his affirmative at the top of his lungs.”

Fluttershy cringed, as did Stygian. Cozy broke into a fit of giggles.

“Of course, I had to shush him even louder.” Luna looked slightly embarrassed with herself at this point. “After all, had I shushed him at a normal volume, it would have been drowned out by his shout of ‘YEAH’, so I initiated the Royal Canterlot Shush.”

Tirek, Chrysalis, and Stygian all flinched. Starlight and Fluttershy met eyes, and Fluttershy shrugged.

“What’s the Royal Canterlot Shush?” Cozy asked, throwing them a lifeline.

“We shout to assert dominance, before we then shush them loudly and directly into their ears,” replied Luna, perhaps a little too casually.

Wait a minute. Starlight flipped a page in her packet, and discovered that two of them had stuck together. Using her magic, she carefully pried them apart. The next page was a hospital bill, for one Bulk Biceps, which featured—

“YOU RUPTURED HIS EARDRUMS!?”

Luna winced. “Yes, and I even yelled louder than that. In my defense, ponies from a thousand years ago were able to tolerate it with some mild tinnitus, and I just assumed—”

Oh no, it wasn’t just Bulk Biceps’ hospital bill. Property damages, more severe tinnitus cases, and… spilling Former-Princess Celestia’s tea?

“You managed to shush Bulk Biceps so loudly that you caused Princess Celestia’s tea to spill?” Starlight couldn’t tell whether or not she was more horrified or impressed by this. She knew Luna had some lungs on her, but this went way beyond what Twilight had told her!

“How loud can you yell?” asked Cozy, looking thrilled at the possibilities.

“I believe when we measured with the Canterlot Institute of Acoustics—”

“That’s a front for the Central Intelligence Agency. The acronyms are even the same,” pointed out Cozy.

“—they measured my volume at full blast at approximately 206 decibels.”

“That’s impossible,” Stygian said. “The loudest possible sound is only about 194 decibels. I mean, sure, you probably used magic to boost it, but even so, you’re telling me you are capable of producing a sound louder than the loudest possible noise?”

“The CIA has it on record.” Luna shrugged, shuffling her wings as she did so. “I believe one of them mentioned something about sound tests and a FUS RO DAH project that they kept coming back to every four years or so.”

“For twenty bits, can you scream in Starlight’s ear tomorrow morning?” Cozy asked, pulling a small bag of bits from under her wing. “I knew Trixie’s money would come in handy.”

Starlight let out another beleaguered sigh.

“Why?” Luna scrunched her brow.

“Eh, why not? Seems like it’d be fun.”

“You are incorrigible.” Luna frowned at the filly.

“I don’t even know the meaning of the word.” Cozy grinned.

“She really doesn’t,” affirmed Tirek.

“Now that’s something I don’t get,” Stygian said, also frowning at Cozy. “Like, we all know each others’ reasons for becoming evil. Well, I still don’t know about Fluttershy,” he added, glancing over at the mare herself, who was awkwardly fidgeting, “but I know the rest of you. But what’s Cozy’s impetus, and what’s her aim?”

“I don’t even know what that word means either,” Cozy replied flatly.

“Why are you so foul?” asked Chrysalis. “I think only Sombra has done more foul deeds than you have, and you’re just a young filly, and we don’t even know what you want.”

“Oh great, now I gotta explain my evil backstory,” Cozy groaned, before she sat up and gave them all a neck-prickling glare. “True evil is born from pain and loss. And when I was a much younger foal back in Hollow Shades, I had a toy train. And then one day I lost it.”

Everyone sat on the edge of their seats, waiting with bated breath. What sort of emotional scars could have been wrought on this foal at such a tender age?

They waited.

And waited.

After several seconds of silence and anticipation, however, Cozy’s glare gave way to confusion.

“What?”

“Aren’t you going to continue?” asked Stygian.

“Continue?” Cozy tilted her head. “What do you mean ‘continue’? That was it.”

“That’s it?” Chrysalis stared at Cozy, mouth hanging open. “That’s your emotionally scarring backstory? That’s your great tragedy? I was forced to take lives specifically to ensure my children were fed and could survive the Love famine! I became the Demoness of the Desert in the name of keeping them alive and you’re telling me you went bad because of a toy train? That’s all you’ve got?”

“I had to prove to my father that I was stronger than he was,” Tirek said, crossing his arms.

“I was betrayed by the ponies I wanted to just be friends with,” added Stygian.

“And I was overshadowed by my own sister, who paid little heed to my growing resentment." Luna still let another flicker of shame cross her face.

“Not to mention, I thought my life had been ruined by cutie marks, because I thought they’d taken my best friend away from me,” Starlight said, sliding forward in her chair. “All of us had valid, if misguided, reasons to turn out the way we did and to make the mistakes we made. And you’re telling me that the only reason—the only reason—is because you lost your favorite toy?”

“Well, did any of you have favorite toy trains growing up?” huffed Cozy.

“Who didn’t?” asked Starlight, with a roll of her eyes. Fluttershy fidgeted awkwardly. “Ugh, my dad insisted everyone had Sammy the Steam Engine train sets.”

“And did you lose it?” demanded Cozy.

“Well, no, but—”

“Well maybe if you had, you would have turned out more evil.”

“I feel like I’ve heard that story from somewhere before,” mumbled Fluttershy.

“You know, on the topic of not getting ponies, I still don’t get why you’re here.” Starlight finally turned her attention toward her as did everyone else, though Chrysalis edged her chair away. “Mind sharing with the room?”

“Sh-share? In h-here? Oh, I don’t want to overshadow anyone.” Fluttershy shrunk down, hiding behind her mane again.

“Overshadow? It’s not a contest, Fluttershy, we’re just trying to better ourselves.”

“Well, everyone but Cozy,” Stygian muttered. No one disagreed with him.

“W-w-well, alright, if you insist.”

Finally, Starlight wiped her brow. They could listen to Fluttershy’s story about accidentally raising her voice a whole decibel and they could all finally go home.

“I turn into a vampire every full moon! I grow these fangs and I feed on fruit juice!” Fluttershy squeaked.

“Oh please, tell me more,” said Chrysalis, flashing her own set of particularly long and pointy canines.

“A-and I also raise my voice a whole decibel in the market when I get p—annoyed with the salesponies.”

“Oh wow, big whoop, are we supposed to be scared?” Cozy asked, rolling her eyes.

“And th-then… I was in the m-market last Thursday, y-you see,” Fluttershy quivered, continuing as though she hadn’t been interrupted. But she stopped, gulped, and gave Starlight a nervous look.

“Go on, Fluttershy,” encouraged Starlight. “This is a safe space. You can confide in all of us.”

“Confide? We already know all about it,” remarked Chrysalis.

“I t-told the manestylist I didn’t like my manecut.”

Stygian’s mouth fell open, as did Starlight’s. The air in the room changed instantly. Chrysalis looked like a strange mix of proud and revolted at the same time. Tirek appeared utterly disgusted. Cozy, however, seemed impressed.

“And they call me monstrous!” Cozy snickered. “Wow, Butterfly, didn’t think you had it in you.”

“What a foul, loathsome creature.” Tirek stood up and stomped out. “And not a hint of remorse either.”

“It’s always the quiet ones who have the most to hide.” Chrysalis smirked, but she followed Tirek now that the way out was clear.

“Were it not for the fact that I am all too aware of the horrors of such a punishment, I would have asked my sister to banish you to the moon posthaste.” Luna scowled, before she as well headed for the exit.

“Wait, wait for me! Don’t leave me alone with her!” Stygian scrambled after them. Now, the only ones left in this accursed room were Cozy, Fluttershy, and Starlight. That wouldn’t last long, as Cozy slunk out of her chair and sauntered off to do whatever malicious things were on that filly’s mind.

“I guess this concludes today’s session,” grumbled Starlight, her horn glowing and the different chairs all being magically stacked and put away, Fluttershy sliding off of her own as it began to move.

“What about my—”

“Nope!” Starlight marched out and started heading toward her office as fast as her legs could carry her. “We are not doing this today!”

Dear Princess Twilight,

I demand a pay raise. 50% at least. You don’t pay me enough to run a reformed villain support group.

From the Desk of Head-Mare Starlight Glimmer

Princess Twilight dragged a hoof down her face as the letter fluttered to the ground.

“Spike, have Balanced Budget prepare a sixty-percent salary increase for Starlight,” she groaned as she fell backwards in the throne that was still too big for her and landed among the comfy pillows. "And go ahead and add a full five vacation days per year."

“Uhh, what’s going on down there?” Spike glanced over in the general direction of Ponyville.

“Hay if I know!” Twilight threw her hooves up in exasperation. “I thought easing Fluttershy’s fear about whatever it was she did by sending her to talk to Starlight would work, but it looks like Starlight hates the idea.”

“Yeah, the Hairdressers Guild did seem a little angry about her.” Spike frowned, reaching beside his smaller throne and opening a record from a few days ago that he’d taken. “Don’t know why, all they did was yell. Couldn't make out a word of it.”

As if on cue, the doors to the throne room burst open and a number of angry ponies marched inside, their rabble causing the guards near the entryway to gulp nervously and make a token effort to keep them out, only to stop when Twilight waved a hoof at them.

“Settle down, settle down everypony!” Twilight called, but she could hardly be heard over the crowd and they screamed things at her, but everything just blended together until it was a wall of sound that could not be deciphered.

“Every pony QUIEEEEEEEEEEEEET!”

No sooner had the scream left Twilight’s mouth than the room silenced instantly, with most of the ponies who had entered looking stunned by this. One of them started mouthing something that looked suspiciously like a tinnitus remedy phrase.

Twilight glared at all of them. “Now, if one of you could kindly step forward and tell me quietly what it is you all are here about, this will go a lot more smoothly.”

Who but Rarity would push her way out of the crowd? She excused herself as she slipped through, brushing past a few of the ponies up front, before she approached Twilight with a nervous look on her face.

“Twilight, dear, so sorry about all of this.” She sounded sincere, at least. “It’s just… well, these fine ponies arrived at my Manehattan store and were just irate about a matter that they’ve brought to my attention, which… as you can see… snowballed until we all came here to bring it to your attention.”

“What’s so important that you had to bypass the audience process?” Twilight arched an eyebrow. “It’s not an emergency, is it? Did Chrysalis wear mismatching clothes to a fashion show again?”

“No, she—well, yes she did, but it’s not that. It’s about dear Fluttershy.”

Oh no.

“This Thursday past, she seems to have… err… committed a high crime against The Laws and Customs of Fashion, some of our most sacred laws that the Hairdressers Guild have followed for centuries, and she must be made to answer for it.”

“Alright.” Twilight plodded back to her throne and fell into it. It was going to be a long evening. “What did she do?”

“She, err…” Rarity winced and glanced back at the crowd. One of them swooned right there.

“Go on…”

“She… told a manestylist that she didn’t like her manecut.”

The crowd exploded instantly. There were at least a dozen cries of “The horror! The horror!” and roughly a quarter of the crowd all fainted at those very words.

Twilight’s jaw dropped. Fluttershy, saying such horrible things?

For several seconds all she could do was watch as pandemonium ensued, before she turned to Spike and said, “Better make that eighty percent.”

Unfortunately, things got worse when the door burst open again and Luna, Tirek, Chrysalis, Stygian, and a smug-looking Cozy Glow all barged in, adding to the cacophony.

“Just double Starlight’s pay,” Twilight sighed, sinking further into her chair. Spike saluted, and dutifully wrote down the instructions, all while Twilight was forced to sit there and listen to them yell… and yell… and yell...

Author's Note

This has just been floating around in my head since the last BronyCon, and only recently did I find enough motivation to sit down and write the stupid thing. Hopefully it turned out well for you all. Borrowed a few gags from ProZD, Phineas and Ferb, and even a Scott Pilgrim reference in there.

Let me know what you think in the comments below.

Rytex out. Have a good day!