One would think that a train ride would be an uneventful one. That's what I'm doing now. I'm just taking a normal train ride to go visit my friend who is also the ruler of Equestria, Twilight Sparkle. Trust me, I know what's strange and no one can out strange me. I'm Pinkie Pie, and nopony has been able to out strange me. Nopony! I mean, ponies have actually had heart attacks trying to figure me out. Twilight and the rest of my friends warn ponies not to do that now. Especially those that are new in town. Even my husband Cheese Sandwich has taken on the responsibility of warning everypony not to try to figure me out also.
Anyway, on this train ride, Donut Joe came through with his doughnut cart selling not just doughnuts but every sweet treat you can imagine. That's because Donut Joe's special talent has a lot to do with baking. But his favorite thing to bake is doughnuts. I know because in most of the baking competitions he's been in all his entries have been doughnuts. Different displays of doughnuts, doughnut cities, doughnut houses, doughnut this and doughnut that.
So with that being said I saw Donut Joe come through my cabin on the train, I flagged him down to order my usual truckload of doughnuts and various sweets.
"Wow Pinkie," said Donut Joe, "you sure like to pack it in on the doughnuts! Every time you take this train out, you buy a truckload of doughnuts. Not that I don't mind, it's good business and all, but I was wondering if eating too many doughnuts like this gives you any health conditions?"
"What?" I asked. "What do you mean? What health conditions?"
"Well for starters," said Donut Joe, "it could cause a heart attack just by eating so many doughnuts. Second, it could cause you to have high blood sugar. I'm not sure what that health condition is called, but I have a couple of friends that have that problem! When that happens they can't eat a lot of sugar. It's dangerous for them if they do."
"Hmm," I said. "Never thought of that. Nope, no health issues here, but thanks for your concern."
Donut Joe looked at me and I wasn't quite sure if my answer was satisfactory enough for him. "Alright then, as always, thanks for the business."
When Donut Joe left I started happily munching on my doughnuts and various other treats. I had brought with me a coloring book and other things to do along with me. If I got bored with those things, which occasionally I would, I could just take a nap. Strangely enough, my Pinkie Senses would always alert me to when the train ride is over so I don't oversleep and miss my stop.
Looking out the window while I was eating a doughnut, I got an urge to sneeze. I put the doughnut down and let the sneeze out. For some reason, I felt my Pinkies Senses tingling and I looked down to see I had a bloody nose.
Hmmm, I think this is a new Pinkie Sense, I thought I wonder-
I didn't finish my thought when I heard a loud scream coming from another cabin on the train. I ran outside to see what it was. "What's going on?"
"They're growing! They're growing!" A pony screamed as she ran by.
I titled my head. "Growing? What's growing?"
"The DOUGHNUTS!" The same pony shrieked. "THE DOUGHNUTS! AHHHHHH!"
Okay, if doughnuts are growing, how can that be a bad thing? I thought Doughnuts are delicious, there's cream-filled doughnuts, jelly-filled doughnuts, doughnuts with sprinkles...
I kept listing every single type of doughnut I could think of when I heard my stomach growling. I thought it was strange because I had just eaten four doughnuts from my order that I got from Donut Joe. I shook my head and thought. Oh well, maybe Donut Joe is having a three dozen for one sale on his doughnuts or something? In any case, I should probably go wipe this blood off my nose.
When I headed to the bathroom, I got a shocking surprise when I looked in the mirror. Not only had I gotten a nosebleed from my sneeze, but there were sprinkles mixed in with the blood on my nose.
Okay, interesting, normally when I sneeze like this and it activates my Pinkie Senses, it means a dangerous animal is around. I thought. But sprinkles mixed in with blood? Wonder what that means?
I heard another pony screaming as he ran past the bathroom. "THE DOUGHNUTS! AHHHHHH!"
"Okay, then this is just one weird thing after another. I guess I'd better go and check what ponies are screaming about." I went down to the cabin where that stallion had run out of. I got the shock of the strangest thing I'd ever seen! The doughnuts had indeed grown but not in the way I thought. The doughnuts were now three feet tall. They also suddenly had faces on them and toothy grins were in their smiles.
"Okay," I said with a nervous laugh. "Well, that explains the growing doughnuts screams."
I heard various other ponies screaming, "THE DOUGHNUTS ARE GROWING! AHHHHHH!"
"Now what? How in Equestria did Donut Joe's doughnuts just start growing and to that size out of nowhere? I better go talk to him about this. There's got to be a reasonable explanation for this."
Right on cue Donut Joe came running past me. "Donut Joe! What's going on? And what did you put in those doughnuts to make them start growing like this?"
"I just put some extra yeast in them that's all I did, I swear!" Donut Joe declared.
"Okay extra yeast won't make doughnuts grow that much." I objected. "Or give them evil faces with toothy grins on them. I mean, a smiling doughnut can make somepony's day. At least it does in my experience. I know smiles and those smiles are pure evil."
"That yeast must've been spoiled with something. I don't know how that could happen." Donut Joe said, trying his hardest to think of what could be happening with his doughnuts that he made.
I shrugged, "I don't either, but we got to get ponies to a safe place in this train. Is there a cabin in this train that you didn't sell doughnuts to?"
Donut Joe shook his head. "I don't remember." He paused. "I have an idea! If we can get as many ponies as we can to the engine compartment, we can load up on the coals from the furnace and burn the doughnuts to a crisp. That should stop this doughnuts rampage."
"Well, it's worth a shot. Let's try it." I agreed.
"So how do we even attempt to do this?" Donut Joe asked. "Every pony in this cabin is running around like crazy!"
"Duh!" I rolled my eyes. "There's doughnuts going on a rampage inside their cabins. I bet they're going on a rampage in my cabin too. That's where my party cannon is."
"Uh, how is a party canon going to stop a doughnut rampage?" Donut Joe questioned.
"Simple, two reasons," I explained. "Thanks to Trixie, my party cannon now has two modes on it. There's the party mode where the confetti comes out and then there's the fire mode. Only to be used in certain scenarios like this. Huh, I never thought I'd actually have to use that mode. Oh well, I'm going in, you get a safe place and hide for a bit. I'll come to get you once I retrieve my party cannon. I'll come back for you when I get it and we'll escort ponies to safety."
Donut Joe looked around trying to figure out a safe place to hide. "Uh… Where is a good place for me to hide?"
"Hmmm, good question. Let me think."
Then it was almost immediately that I thought of someplace. The one place that Donut Joe hadn't put any doughnuts in. The reason would probably be because it's disgusting to eat something in there. The place I could think of for Donut Joe to hide was the bathroom.
"Donut Joe, I think you're going to have to go where no doughnut should ever go." I pointed a hoof towards the bathroom.
Donut Joe tilted his head and then it was like he could read my mind and he looked at me in horror. "Are you serious Pinkie? The bathroom? Really!"
I nodded. "It's the only place where you haven't sold any doughnuts to a pony. You know, that's because it's so gross to eat a doughnut in there. Although, I might do it if somepony dared me to. But at the moment, it's all about your safety."
I pointed a hoof at the bathroom behind me and nodded encouraging Donut Joe to go there. Donut Joe nodded and reluctantly went inside.
Thankfully, I stashed gear in my mane like an army hard hat and sprinkle grenades. I'm going in. I wish I had time to send a letter back home to my family. But I'm not going down without a fight!
I headed towards my cabin and standing in my way was a three-foot-tall doughnut glaring at me with his toothy grin. I stared the doughnut down and took on a fighting stance. I threw a sprinkle grenade at it and it blew up as soon as the grenade made contact. My stomach growled as I looked at the doughnut guts that splattered everywhere around me. I looked at my hoof to see that there was jelly filling from the doughnut I just blew up. I licked the jelly filling off my hoof.
"THE DOUGHNUTS ARE GROWING AHHHHHH!" I heard a pony scream as she ran past me.
Why did Donut Joe have to try out a new recipe today? I thought But on the bright side, I get to eat the leftovers from all the doughnuts I kill.
I made my way to my cabin throwing sprinkle grenades at all of the doughnuts I came by. I kept looking at the doughnut guts at every single doughnut I killed and wanted to eat them right on the spot. I had to keep telling myself that I'm on a mission. The mission is to get to my cabin so I can save everypony and continue my train ride. This would be a story for the dessert history books!
When I finally got into my cabin, I made it just in time because I was getting low on my sprinkle grenades. I took out my party cannon and thought Well, it's a good thing I came prepared. Who'd thought I'd have to use the fire mode on a train ride.
I rolled my eyes when I came out of my cabin as I kept hearing 'the doughnuts are growing' screams. "EVERYPONY FOLLOW ME TO THE ENGINE COMPARTMENT!" I shouted this as I put my party cannon on fire mode and started shooting at every doughnut that was in my way. Everypony that heard me shout formed a line behind me. I kept firing doughnuts finally I made my way towards the bathroom Donut Joe had been hiding in and knocked on the door.
"Donut Joe!" I shouted. "It's Pinkie! You can come out now! I have as many ponies with me that I could gather up! We're headed towards the engine compartment! Now!"
Donut Joe opened the door and joined the line of ponies following me towards the engine of the train. When we finally made it there we hurried inside and locked the door.
"What do we do now?" Donut Joe asked.
I looked around and saw the furnace. I saw the engineer standing there looking terrified. "Hi what's your name?"
"It's Wind." Wind stammered. He trembled in fear as he said his name.
"Well Wind, I'm going to need your help," I said.
"W-what do you want me to do?" Wind shuddered.
I sighed, "Look, I know you're terrified right now. We're going to need all of the coals we can get. We need to burn every single doughnut we can find."
Wind nodded. "Sure. I can do that."
Wind took a shovel that he would use to put the coals into the engine and used it to take coals out of the engine as many as he possibly could. I turned around when somepony tapped me on the shoulder. "What's up?"
"Um, I have to go to the bathroom." The pony said. He looked away embarrassed about having to take care of nature's calling.
Great. I thought. Then a lightbulb went off in my head. "Wind, do you have a bag that we can carry the coals in?"
Wind looked around and spotted a bag sitting off to the side of the engine. "This should hold up. It's been sitting by the engine all day and no damage has been done to it."
Wind shoveled into the bag as many coals as he could and handed it over to me. I turned around and handed the bag over to the pony that was doing the potty dance to keep himself from going to the bathroom in front of me. "Here take this with you. Throw a lump of coal at every doughnut you see. The more doughnuts we can get rid of the better. Make your way back as soon as you use the bathroom. We need to get rid of these doughnuts so everypony can get to Canterlot safely."
"Yes ma'am!" The pony said. He gave me a salute and opened the door. He was gone within a matter of seconds.
Wow, he really had to go! I thought. I shrugged and thought Oh well when you got to go, you got to go. Good thing I don't have to go right now because we don't have another bag to put any more coals in. Although I could use my party cannon the fire mode on that's almost out of power. Dang it!
As soon as the pony who had to use the bathroom returned he was hyperventilating. I looked at him with concern. "What's wrong?"
"Uh, there's doughnuts in the bathroom!" The pony shrieked.
I raised an eyebrow, "Really? Are you pulling my hoof?"
"No, I'm serious!" The pony insisted. "THERE ARE DOUGHNUTS IN THE BATHROOM!"
"What?" I gasped. "How on earth-"
Donut Joe gave a nervous laugh, "I might've had a doughnut or two in the bathroom while I was waiting for you."
"Seriously?" I said. "Okay that's it! There are too many glazed doughnuts and might I add delicious glazed doughnuts on this train! I'm sorry you guys but I need to wreck this train. It's the only way to save everypony. Hand me that bag please."
I took the bag that had the coals in it from the pony who just came back from the bathroom. I instructed Wind to shovel more coals into it. I took my party cannon with me. I went into the first railroad car and before I closed the door, I unhooked the engine compartment from the railroad car. As the engine compartment drove away Donut Joe looked out and waved farewell to me.
I took the leftover sprinkle grenades with me and put them into the party cannon. I fired two of them on different sides of the railroad car. I ran towards the next railroad car as fast as I could before the grenades blew up. When I got into the next railroad car before I closed the door, I unhooked the remains of the railroad car that I was in before.
I went through this railroad car and did exactly what I did to the last one. I did this to every railroad car on the train until finally, I got to the last one. After I destroyed the last railroad car, hopped off the train onto the railroad tracks. With my party cannon in tow, I went on my merry way to finish the rest of my imaginary train ride to Canterlot. Then my alarm clock went off.
I looked over at the alarm clock and breathed a sigh of relief. It was all a dream?
"What's up Pinkie?" My husband Cheese Sandwich asked.
I proceeded to tell him about the dream I just had. He couldn't stop laughing even when we were sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast. I was surprised that he could eat anything or didn't choke on any food with his hard laughter.
I know one thing for sure, when I take this real-life train ride to Canterlot, I'm not ordering any doughnuts. Maybe I'll just order from the vegetable cart instead.
