The treetops glistened in the noonday sun, decorated with white fluff and hanging icecicles that made the branches creak and groan and, occasionally, one would pop and come cascading down to threaten anycreature that might be moving along below.

The air was frigid, as well, in spite of the sunshine, the wind that whistled and blew between the frozen tree trunks carrying a bite that tore through even heavy clothing to dig into the bones of those caught out in it.

These, among other, less natural things, were the reasons that Rainbow Dash did not particular want to be out in the Everfree Forest, right now. However she was a mercenary, specifically a member of the Ponyville branch of the Equestrian Fighter's Guild, and they had a strict code: Once hired, a Guilder would see their task through to the end, no matter what.

And so it was she found herself standing in the forest, bundled up like a foal, shivering, hands clasped under her mantle. Her wings were folded as tightly as they could be to her back, though the steel arcanotech prosthesis that had replaced her right wing, after an unfortunate encounter with a hydra's head, had never quite folded correctly, and always seemed to soak in the cold.

To her left stood a drake she had only been vaguely familiar with up until this job, as the young assistant of that nerdy mage chick who'd come down from Canterlot a few months ago, to study the portals that had been opening up throughout the Everfree. He was short, for a dragon, even a young one, and slim, his green head spikes seeming soft, at least from appearance, and his purple scales, under the heavy winter robe and cloak he wore, looked clean, and his talons were trimmed and manicured. He was certainly nothing like what Dash would have expected a dragon to be like. Hel, he was so soft and cuddly looking, she had thought him a girl, at first.

To his left stood a fellow member of the Fighter's Guild, a human who had come through a portal, back when they first started opening up, about three years ago, now, named Pendragon. While he often made comments or remarks that flew over her head, he had taken to his new home quite well, until if it weren't for his vastly different appearance, one could have thought him just another pony. At around five feet, ten inches, he was somewhere between average height for a Pegasus stallion and an Earth Pony mare, and his copper colored mane was shaved short on the sides and back, pulled back into a short tail at the crown of his skull, and dark hazel eyes looked out from behind a pair of glasses which, at present, he was having trouble keeping from fogging over.

Both Pendragon and Dash were armed and armored for a trip into the forest, her with a short saber and buckler, and a pair of light pistols, and him with a bastard sword and small shield. Their armor was a brigandine, or coat-of-plates, over a gambeson, a type of padded coat meant to be worn under armor, or as light protection on its own.

Contrarily, the young drake, who's name, ironically, was Spike, wore a heavy, embroidered robe and a knee length cloak with a hood to ward off the cold, along with a scarf and thick mittens which Dash would have thought would make him fumble with the quill pen and scroll he was currently using, but he seemed to not be effected in his attempts to keep up with writing down the dictation of the final member of their group.

". . . distinct thaumatic surge in this area. The forest's natural ley line conflux could be responsible, but I find that highly unlikely, as they are a good mile to the south-east, and have never shown this amount of activity in the past. Still, something must be responsible for the number of portals that seem to open up in the Everfree. Maybe it has something to do with latent mantik energies flowing through the soil. . . ." The purple unicorn, who was dressed similarly to her assisstant, paced a circle around the clearing, holding some kind of doo-dad in her hands while speaking almost as though to herself, even as Spike dutifully wrote it all down.

Pretty much everything she had said was utter nonsense to Rainbow Dash, however, who simply rolled her eyes, sighing a cloud of vapor into the frozen air. "What an egghead." She muttered under her breath.

"What was that, Ms. Dash?" Spike asked without looking up from his scroll.

Rainbow blinked, not having thought anyone would be able to hear her, before she snorted, flexing her wings slightly. "I said she's an egghead!" She said, gesturing to the unicorn with the bi-colored mane and tail, who was so caught up in whatever it was she was doing, that she didn't even notice the insult, now. "I mean, what in the hay does any of that mean!?"

"Twilight Sparkle is the personal student of both High Princesses, and top of her class in Thaumatic Theorem. It may seem like gibberish to you, Ms. Dash, but I assure you, it has a perfectly understandable meaning." Spike chided, glancing over at her with a haughty expression.

"Oh, yeah?" Rainbow Dash said, smirking, before leaning over and looking him in the eye. "So, what's it mean then, Mister 'I'm Smarter Than You'?"

Spike's eyes widened as he glanced over at her, and his quill faltered. This all happened very quickly, before he cleared his throat and straightened his back, puffing himself up to his full height . . . which still barely put him on eye level with petite pegasus mare, who was only a handful of change over five feet tall, herself. "I do not need to explain it to you, mercenary!" He said, before turning back to his task at hand, taking a second to remember where he was at.

"Ah, right." Dash said, leaning back, shuffling her wings again, while her ears perked up and her smirk widened into a bit of a leer. "So, you don't know, either, then?" She said, and he grunted, glancing at her from the side of his eye, before shaking his head vigorously and turning back to his scroll.

On his other side, Pendragon was fighting to hold back his giggles.

Spike took a breath and let it out, a cloud of steam hiding him from view for a moment. The sound of the quill took up scratching again, and as the cloud cleared away, he could be seen writing once more, and Dash fumed internally, figuring she'd have to poke at him some more to get anything else out of him. He surprised her, however, by speaking without looking up. "You seem the athletic sort, Ms. Dash." He said, voice light. "Do you enjoy flying?"

Rainbow blinked, taken a bit aback by the change of pace. "Uhh . . . Yeah?"

He nodded, pursing his, admittedly, rather full lips. "I see. And, would it have been quite the blow to you, then, were you unable to continue flying?" He said, bright, emerald green eyes darting over to glance at her.

She shuffled her wings again, hearing the click and ping of her steel wing behind her, but in a way almost feeling the ruffle of feathers and stretch of tendons, just the same as she did from her left wing. She took a breath, narrowing her eyes. "Yeah." She said, already catching where he was going.

"Well, you're aware of course, that you have 'eggheads' like my mistress to thank for your continued ability to fly, yes?" Spike said, glancing at her fully now, even as he kept writing down what his 'Mistress' said. It seemed that, so long as he was in control of the conversation his attention would not waver.

Very well then. Rainbow Dash leaned back, mouth tight as she looked at him, before turning away. She felt more than anything, as he have a low huff of air, almost a laugh, and turned back to his work, no doubt thinking himself all superior and shit for besting her. They'd see about that!

"So, what's up with all the cold weather shit, man?" She asked after a moment, startling the drake out of his concentration.

"What?" He asked, blinking at her.

"All that shit you're wearing. What's up with that?"

He frowned at her, blinking rapidly, his quill pausing for a moment, before he jumped slightly and went back to writing, but not without shooting her a glance. "Uhh . . . It's cold?" He said, looking around them.

"Well, fuckin' duh. I mean, obviously it's cold, for us, but you're a dragon, dude! Shouldn't you be, like, imvulnerable to this shit?" She said, gesturing at the cold, before quickly tucking her hands back under her mantle.

The drake frowned harder, turning back to his writing. "That is a common misconception. Dragons are actually in-vulnerable to the heat, our scales are fireproof and we rarely get overheated. However, like most reptiles we are, at least partially, cold-blooded. As such, I need to bundle up like this, and keep a warmth charm on me, during weather like this, or else risk a coma." He said, tightly. Dash was leaning back on her heels, the snow crunching under her, feeling frustrated at her inability to sidetrack or rattle the young dragon, when he spoke again. "Also, could you please refrain from using language like that? It's . . . rude."

"Say what?" She said, blinking at him.

"Vulgar language, like that." He said, glancing aside at her. "I find it . . . Um . . . Disconcerting."

Dash slowly nodded as he turned back to his work. As such, he failed to see her face twisting into a grin, as she got a horrible, awful, wonderful idea.

"Hey, you know my friend Monty? He's another Guilder, in town, I think you two would get along really well." She said, calmly, and the drake glanced over at her briefly.

"I've not had any reason to speak to any of the other members of your . . . guild, Ms. Dash, nor do I intend to." He said. After a moment, however, curiosity got the better of him. "What . . . makes you think we'd get along?"

Gotcha.

"Oh, nothing, just, he doesn't like when I cuss, either." She said, dragging him out a bit more.

"Oh, I see." Spike said, clearing his his throat and turning away.

"Yeah, I keep tellin' him to quit bein' such a little fuckin' bitch about it and lighten up, but I swear the man's got a stick shoved up his ass about everything."

The drake's scratching quill came to a halt, and he snapped his head around looking at her. He stared at her, gaping, for several seconds, before Twilight's voice came to him a bit louder, and he jerked his head around, quickly getting back to work. "I know what you're trying to do, Ms. Dash, and I do not appreciate it! I dislike being out here just as much as you, but I will not tolerate being the butt end of some joke!" He said, quill scratching furiously.

"Okay, okay, jeeze." She said, holding up her hands in front of her and stepping back, turning back to watch the purple unicorn, who was now . . . down on all fours in the snow, circling around a tree, the magical wotsit in her hand beeping randomly, and . . . was she sniffing? What a freak.

"So, what's it like being a femboy?" She asked, casually.

The drake sighed, before glancing over at her and frowning. "A . . . what?"

"Ya know, a femboy! An, uh . . . Efeminent dude, ya catch me?"

"A . . . Firstly, I think you mean 'effeminate', and that is something I am most certainly not, Ms. Dash!" He said, eyes wide and cheeks . . . slightly rosy.

"Dude," she said, leaning back and eyeing him from head to toe, causing his blush to deepen considerably. "You are thicker than a bowl of oatmeal!"

"What?!" He asked, quill finally coming to a stop as he blinked at her.

"I mean, I'm not saying you're fat or nothin', but that ass? That is a THICC ass!"

The drake was stammering at this point, his face such a bright red, it seemed there should be steam rising off of it. "I . . . I . . . Wha . . . I . . . "

"I mean, like, fuckin' dummy thicc, like, dayum, boi! You T H I C C!"

"Ms. Dash! That . . . Well, I . . . Look, Physicality may be one thing, but that hardly makes me effeminate! That is a matter of attitude and personality!" He defended himself, weakly.

"Dude, you're the softest, fluffiest guy I've ever met! Look at you! The way you talk, move . . . even the way you fuckin' dress! So, you're soft and fluffy, girly as shit, and dummy fuckin' thick! Far as I can tell, that makes you a femboy!"

The drake stood, gaping at the cyan pegasus liek a fish out of water, clearly unable to think of anything more to say, his quill and scroll hanging loosely in his hands, by his sides. Pendragon had one hand to his mouth, nearly bent double in his attempt to not laugh, and Rainbow Dash was grinning from ear to ear, feeling more than a bit pleased with herself.

"Excuse me." Came the cold voice from the side, and the pegasus jumped a little, only now realizing that Twilight Sparkle had stopped speaking. She turned, and found herself looking into the highly unamused purple eyes of the lavender mare in question.

"'Sup?" Rainbow said, cocking an eyebrow.

"Would you mind not breaking my assisstant?" She said, before turning and looking at the young drake. "What in Equestria did you do to him?" She frowned, walking over and snapping her fingers in his face. "Spike! Wake up!" He jumped, giving a small yelp of surprise, before shaking his head.

"I called him a femboy." Rainbow Dash said, smirking, and the unicorn turned to look at her, while her assisstant was shaking his head as though waking up from a strange dream.

"A . . . what?" She asked, looking at the pegasus in confusion, and Dash's eyebrows went up.

"Really? What, were you both raised in a library or some shit?"

"An observatory, actually." Twilight said, stiffly. "And could you not curse?"

"Really?! Both of you?! Fuck, you both would get along with Monty! He's just as prudish as you both, and he likes big, fancy words, too!" She said, before shrugging and raching out her metal wing, lightly slapping Pendragon on the back with it, which made him stumble forward. "Of course, so does Penny here, but at least he cusses, and he's not a douchebag about it!"

Pendragon rubbed his shoulder, smirking over at Dash, and spoke. "Dashie, can I just point out how fucking ironic it is, you of all ponies calling someone a douchebag?"

"Hey!" Dash said, glaring at him. "I ain't no fuckin' douchebag!"

"Oh, no?" Pendragon fired back, quirking an eyebrow.

"Nah, brah." Dash said, smirking and pointing at herself. "I'm a fuckin' chad, dude! I mean, do you have any idea how often I get my dick wet?!"

Pendragon laughed, shaking his head at his friend's preening, while the rainbow haired mare shook her hips, leering at him like an absolute lech.

"What." The word was spoken by two voices, and the mercenaries turned to look at the drake and the unicorn, the former staring at Dash with wide eyes and a blush that had been fading, but was now as bright as a bonfire. The other was jsut staring wit ha frown.

"What?" Dash said, looking between them. "Ya wanna see my li'l Dashie?" She asked, smirking at them both, and was a little surprised when the drake started to nod his head, before the unicorn slapped him in the back of the head.

"No!" She said, glaring. "Because you don't have . . . that." She said, blinking rapidly.

"'That'? 'That' what?" Dash said, leering at the other mare.

"A . . . A penis." She said, blushing while glaring daggers.

"Sure I do!" Dash said, chuckling.

"No, you can't!" Twilgiht asserted.

"The fuck? Says who?" Dash said, now starting to get confused.

"Wha . . . Biology!"

"Who the fuck is that?"

Twilight stood, staring at the other mare for a moment, before shaking her head slightly. "You can't be . . . that stupid."

Dash bristled. "The fuck you calling stupid, egghead!? Just cuz I don't know some idiot! 'Sides, this Biology fuckboy's the one who's stupid, if he thinks I can't have a dick!"

"Biology is a subject of learning, not a person, you halfwit!" Twilight snapped, eyes wide. "And mares cannot have penises!" She snarled.

"Oh, yeah?!" Dash snarled back, hands flying down to her belt.

"Uh, Dash?" Pendragon said, eyes going wide.

"The fuck is this, then?!" She said, loosening her belt and dropping her pants in a smooth motion. Drake and unicorn mare stood, staring, one in fascination, the other in shocked silence, both blushing brightly, at the six inches (flaccid) of dark blue, marbled, veined horsecock that dangled between the legs of the pegasus mare, complete with a full set of balls.

Then the wind picked up.

The cold, frigid wind, coming straight down out of the north. . .

On the way back, following behind the Unicorn, who was practically dragging her young assisstant by the ear, Pendragon could not stop laughing, much to his comrade's discontent.

"Dude! Shut the fuck up! It was fucking cold, alright?! What'd you fucking expect?!"

Her only reply was further laughter, which left her grumbling as they made their way back to the lonely tavern on the edge of town, the home away from home, for some permanently, that promised to serve any and all, equally and without question. A place who's proprietor was stranger even than the town itself.

The Alicorn's Respite.

Author's Note

Welp. Welcome back, everyone. Hope you enjoy this trip into the madness of my brain, and let me know if you spot any typos!

Until next time, Harmonia Invictus!!!