Tales of the Alicorn's Respite

by True Edge

Rating: mature
Tags: Self Insert, Profanity, Adventure, Violence, Sex, Anthology, Narcotics, Anthro, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Fetish, Comedy
Length: 7154

The moist drippings of my day old brainpan

In the flurries and eddies of the multiverse, there are many worlds, some familiar, some terribly alien, others edging on the borders of fantasy or nightmare. Throughout, however, there places, places where the borders of the multiverse thin, and gateways may open. High, powerful magics worked, forces of destruction and creation, these things can make the veil thin, can open these gateways, through which lost souls may tumble or trip, or dance happily on to find a new world, and another place, perhaps to call home. . . .

One such place, in the heart of an Equestria similar, but also so very different from many you've seen before, is the inn known as the Alicorn's Respite (Pro-nounced reh-SPIT, lest the proprietor blast you back to whence you came). So come, weary traveler, from whatever world you may have slipped out from, and rest easy, knowing you are watched over and safe, here.

_____________________________________________________________________________

NOTE: This story is satire and dark comedy: DO NOT TAKE THIS SHIT TOO SERIOUS!

This is an anthology fic, so don't expect too much in the way of continuing storyline or overarching plot. In fact, probably best not to even expect much in the way of a coherent timeline; the stories herein are written as they come to me, in no particular order, and will be uploaded as I finish them, so don't go trying to overthink things, alright?

Oh, it's also a self-insert, kinda-sorta-Isekai, part clopfic featuring anthro ponies, femboy Spike, and a war vet Rainbow Dash packing more "Equipment" than just her sword and pistols! If this doesn't sound like your "Cup o' Tea", then you might want to head for the door now, before it's too late. However, if you're willing to stick around, you might just find something here to amuse you.

Hope you enjoy, and until next time, Harmonia Invictus!

Published 2021-02-23 21:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-03-02 06:12:52 UTC

My Lil Innuendo

The treetops glistened in the noonday sun, decorated with white fluff and hanging icecicles that made the branches creak and groan and, occasionally, one would pop and come cascading down to threaten anycreature that might be moving along below.

The air was frigid, as well, in spite of the sunshine, the wind that whistled and blew between the frozen tree trunks carrying a bite that tore through even heavy clothing to dig into the bones of those caught out in it.

These, among other, less natural things, were the reasons that Rainbow Dash did not particular want to be out in the Everfree Forest, right now. However she was a mercenary, specifically a member of the Ponyville branch of the Equestrian Fighter's Guild, and they had a strict code: Once hired, a Guilder would see their task through to the end, no matter what.

And so it was she found herself standing in the forest, bundled up like a foal, shivering, hands clasped under her mantle. Her wings were folded as tightly as they could be to her back, though the steel arcanotech prosthesis that had replaced her right wing, after an unfortunate encounter with a hydra's head, had never quite folded correctly, and always seemed to soak in the cold.

To her left stood a drake she had only been vaguely familiar with up until this job, as the young assistant of that nerdy mage chick who'd come down from Canterlot a few months ago, to study the portals that had been opening up throughout the Everfree. He was short, for a dragon, even a young one, and slim, his green head spikes seeming soft, at least from appearance, and his purple scales, under the heavy winter robe and cloak he wore, looked clean, and his talons were trimmed and manicured. He was certainly nothing like what Dash would have expected a dragon to be like. Hel, he was so soft and cuddly looking, she had thought him a girl, at first.

To his left stood a fellow member of the Fighter's Guild, a human who had come through a portal, back when they first started opening up, about three years ago, now, named Pendragon. While he often made comments or remarks that flew over her head, he had taken to his new home quite well, until if it weren't for his vastly different appearance, one could have thought him just another pony. At around five feet, ten inches, he was somewhere between average height for a Pegasus stallion and an Earth Pony mare, and his copper colored mane was shaved short on the sides and back, pulled back into a short tail at the crown of his skull, and dark hazel eyes looked out from behind a pair of glasses which, at present, he was having trouble keeping from fogging over.

Both Pendragon and Dash were armed and armored for a trip into the forest, her with a short saber and buckler, and a pair of light pistols, and him with a bastard sword and small shield. Their armor was a brigandine, or coat-of-plates, over a gambeson, a type of padded coat meant to be worn under armor, or as light protection on its own.

Contrarily, the young drake, who's name, ironically, was Spike, wore a heavy, embroidered robe and a knee length cloak with a hood to ward off the cold, along with a scarf and thick mittens which Dash would have thought would make him fumble with the quill pen and scroll he was currently using, but he seemed to not be effected in his attempts to keep up with writing down the dictation of the final member of their group.

". . . distinct thaumatic surge in this area. The forest's natural ley line conflux could be responsible, but I find that highly unlikely, as they are a good mile to the south-east, and have never shown this amount of activity in the past. Still, something must be responsible for the number of portals that seem to open up in the Everfree. Maybe it has something to do with latent mantik energies flowing through the soil. . . ." The purple unicorn, who was dressed similarly to her assisstant, paced a circle around the clearing, holding some kind of doo-dad in her hands while speaking almost as though to herself, even as Spike dutifully wrote it all down.

Pretty much everything she had said was utter nonsense to Rainbow Dash, however, who simply rolled her eyes, sighing a cloud of vapor into the frozen air. "What an egghead." She muttered under her breath.

"What was that, Ms. Dash?" Spike asked without looking up from his scroll.

Rainbow blinked, not having thought anyone would be able to hear her, before she snorted, flexing her wings slightly. "I said she's an egghead!" She said, gesturing to the unicorn with the bi-colored mane and tail, who was so caught up in whatever it was she was doing, that she didn't even notice the insult, now. "I mean, what in the hay does any of that mean!?"

"Twilight Sparkle is the personal student of both High Princesses, and top of her class in Thaumatic Theorem. It may seem like gibberish to you, Ms. Dash, but I assure you, it has a perfectly understandable meaning." Spike chided, glancing over at her with a haughty expression.

"Oh, yeah?" Rainbow Dash said, smirking, before leaning over and looking him in the eye. "So, what's it mean then, Mister 'I'm Smarter Than You'?"

Spike's eyes widened as he glanced over at her, and his quill faltered. This all happened very quickly, before he cleared his throat and straightened his back, puffing himself up to his full height . . . which still barely put him on eye level with petite pegasus mare, who was only a handful of change over five feet tall, herself. "I do not need to explain it to you, mercenary!" He said, before turning back to his task at hand, taking a second to remember where he was at.

"Ah, right." Dash said, leaning back, shuffling her wings again, while her ears perked up and her smirk widened into a bit of a leer. "So, you don't know, either, then?" She said, and he grunted, glancing at her from the side of his eye, before shaking his head vigorously and turning back to his scroll.

On his other side, Pendragon was fighting to hold back his giggles.

Spike took a breath and let it out, a cloud of steam hiding him from view for a moment. The sound of the quill took up scratching again, and as the cloud cleared away, he could be seen writing once more, and Dash fumed internally, figuring she'd have to poke at him some more to get anything else out of him. He surprised her, however, by speaking without looking up. "You seem the athletic sort, Ms. Dash." He said, voice light. "Do you enjoy flying?"

Rainbow blinked, taken a bit aback by the change of pace. "Uhh . . . Yeah?"

He nodded, pursing his, admittedly, rather full lips. "I see. And, would it have been quite the blow to you, then, were you unable to continue flying?" He said, bright, emerald green eyes darting over to glance at her.

She shuffled her wings again, hearing the click and ping of her steel wing behind her, but in a way almost feeling the ruffle of feathers and stretch of tendons, just the same as she did from her left wing. She took a breath, narrowing her eyes. "Yeah." She said, already catching where he was going.

"Well, you're aware of course, that you have 'eggheads' like my mistress to thank for your continued ability to fly, yes?" Spike said, glancing at her fully now, even as he kept writing down what his 'Mistress' said. It seemed that, so long as he was in control of the conversation his attention would not waver.

Very well then. Rainbow Dash leaned back, mouth tight as she looked at him, before turning away. She felt more than anything, as he have a low huff of air, almost a laugh, and turned back to his work, no doubt thinking himself all superior and shit for besting her. They'd see about that!

"So, what's up with all the cold weather shit, man?" She asked after a moment, startling the drake out of his concentration.

"What?" He asked, blinking at her.

"All that shit you're wearing. What's up with that?"

He frowned at her, blinking rapidly, his quill pausing for a moment, before he jumped slightly and went back to writing, but not without shooting her a glance. "Uhh . . . It's cold?" He said, looking around them.

"Well, fuckin' duh. I mean, obviously it's cold, for us, but you're a dragon, dude! Shouldn't you be, like, imvulnerable to this shit?" She said, gesturing at the cold, before quickly tucking her hands back under her mantle.

The drake frowned harder, turning back to his writing. "That is a common misconception. Dragons are actually in-vulnerable to the heat, our scales are fireproof and we rarely get overheated. However, like most reptiles we are, at least partially, cold-blooded. As such, I need to bundle up like this, and keep a warmth charm on me, during weather like this, or else risk a coma." He said, tightly. Dash was leaning back on her heels, the snow crunching under her, feeling frustrated at her inability to sidetrack or rattle the young dragon, when he spoke again. "Also, could you please refrain from using language like that? It's . . . rude."

"Say what?" She said, blinking at him.

"Vulgar language, like that." He said, glancing aside at her. "I find it . . . Um . . . Disconcerting."

Dash slowly nodded as he turned back to his work. As such, he failed to see her face twisting into a grin, as she got a horrible, awful, wonderful idea.

"Hey, you know my friend Monty? He's another Guilder, in town, I think you two would get along really well." She said, calmly, and the drake glanced over at her briefly.

"I've not had any reason to speak to any of the other members of your . . . guild, Ms. Dash, nor do I intend to." He said. After a moment, however, curiosity got the better of him. "What . . . makes you think we'd get along?"

Gotcha.

"Oh, nothing, just, he doesn't like when I cuss, either." She said, dragging him out a bit more.

"Oh, I see." Spike said, clearing his his throat and turning away.

"Yeah, I keep tellin' him to quit bein' such a little fuckin' bitch about it and lighten up, but I swear the man's got a stick shoved up his ass about everything."

The drake's scratching quill came to a halt, and he snapped his head around looking at her. He stared at her, gaping, for several seconds, before Twilight's voice came to him a bit louder, and he jerked his head around, quickly getting back to work. "I know what you're trying to do, Ms. Dash, and I do not appreciate it! I dislike being out here just as much as you, but I will not tolerate being the butt end of some joke!" He said, quill scratching furiously.

"Okay, okay, jeeze." She said, holding up her hands in front of her and stepping back, turning back to watch the purple unicorn, who was now . . . down on all fours in the snow, circling around a tree, the magical wotsit in her hand beeping randomly, and . . . was she sniffing? What a freak.

"So, what's it like being a femboy?" She asked, casually.

The drake sighed, before glancing over at her and frowning. "A . . . what?"

"Ya know, a femboy! An, uh . . . Efeminent dude, ya catch me?"

"A . . . Firstly, I think you mean 'effeminate', and that is something I am most certainly not, Ms. Dash!" He said, eyes wide and cheeks . . . slightly rosy.

"Dude," she said, leaning back and eyeing him from head to toe, causing his blush to deepen considerably. "You are thicker than a bowl of oatmeal!"

"What?!" He asked, quill finally coming to a stop as he blinked at her.

"I mean, I'm not saying you're fat or nothin', but that ass? That is a THICC ass!"

The drake was stammering at this point, his face such a bright red, it seemed there should be steam rising off of it. "I . . . I . . . Wha . . . I . . . "

"I mean, like, fuckin' dummy thicc, like, dayum, boi! You T H I C C!"

"Ms. Dash! That . . . Well, I . . . Look, Physicality may be one thing, but that hardly makes me effeminate! That is a matter of attitude and personality!" He defended himself, weakly.

"Dude, you're the softest, fluffiest guy I've ever met! Look at you! The way you talk, move . . . even the way you fuckin' dress! So, you're soft and fluffy, girly as shit, and dummy fuckin' thick! Far as I can tell, that makes you a femboy!"

The drake stood, gaping at the cyan pegasus liek a fish out of water, clearly unable to think of anything more to say, his quill and scroll hanging loosely in his hands, by his sides. Pendragon had one hand to his mouth, nearly bent double in his attempt to not laugh, and Rainbow Dash was grinning from ear to ear, feeling more than a bit pleased with herself.

"Excuse me." Came the cold voice from the side, and the pegasus jumped a little, only now realizing that Twilight Sparkle had stopped speaking. She turned, and found herself looking into the highly unamused purple eyes of the lavender mare in question.

"'Sup?" Rainbow said, cocking an eyebrow.

"Would you mind not breaking my assisstant?" She said, before turning and looking at the young drake. "What in Equestria did you do to him?" She frowned, walking over and snapping her fingers in his face. "Spike! Wake up!" He jumped, giving a small yelp of surprise, before shaking his head.

"I called him a femboy." Rainbow Dash said, smirking, and the unicorn turned to look at her, while her assisstant was shaking his head as though waking up from a strange dream.

"A . . . what?" She asked, looking at the pegasus in confusion, and Dash's eyebrows went up.

"Really? What, were you both raised in a library or some shit?"

"An observatory, actually." Twilight said, stiffly. "And could you not curse?"

"Really?! Both of you?! Fuck, you both would get along with Monty! He's just as prudish as you both, and he likes big, fancy words, too!" She said, before shrugging and raching out her metal wing, lightly slapping Pendragon on the back with it, which made him stumble forward. "Of course, so does Penny here, but at least he cusses, and he's not a douchebag about it!"

Pendragon rubbed his shoulder, smirking over at Dash, and spoke. "Dashie, can I just point out how fucking ironic it is, you of all ponies calling someone a douchebag?"

"Hey!" Dash said, glaring at him. "I ain't no fuckin' douchebag!"

"Oh, no?" Pendragon fired back, quirking an eyebrow.

"Nah, brah." Dash said, smirking and pointing at herself. "I'm a fuckin' chad, dude! I mean, do you have any idea how often I get my dick wet?!"

Pendragon laughed, shaking his head at his friend's preening, while the rainbow haired mare shook her hips, leering at him like an absolute lech.

"What." The word was spoken by two voices, and the mercenaries turned to look at the drake and the unicorn, the former staring at Dash with wide eyes and a blush that had been fading, but was now as bright as a bonfire. The other was jsut staring wit ha frown.

"What?" Dash said, looking between them. "Ya wanna see my li'l Dashie?" She asked, smirking at them both, and was a little surprised when the drake started to nod his head, before the unicorn slapped him in the back of the head.

"No!" She said, glaring. "Because you don't have . . . that." She said, blinking rapidly.

"'That'? 'That' what?" Dash said, leering at the other mare.

"A . . . A penis." She said, blushing while glaring daggers.

"Sure I do!" Dash said, chuckling.

"No, you can't!" Twilgiht asserted.

"The fuck? Says who?" Dash said, now starting to get confused.

"Wha . . . Biology!"

"Who the fuck is that?"

Twilight stood, staring at the other mare for a moment, before shaking her head slightly. "You can't be . . . that stupid."

Dash bristled. "The fuck you calling stupid, egghead!? Just cuz I don't know some idiot! 'Sides, this Biology fuckboy's the one who's stupid, if he thinks I can't have a dick!"

"Biology is a subject of learning, not a person, you halfwit!" Twilight snapped, eyes wide. "And mares cannot have penises!" She snarled.

"Oh, yeah?!" Dash snarled back, hands flying down to her belt.

"Uh, Dash?" Pendragon said, eyes going wide.

"The fuck is this, then?!" She said, loosening her belt and dropping her pants in a smooth motion. Drake and unicorn mare stood, staring, one in fascination, the other in shocked silence, both blushing brightly, at the six inches (flaccid) of dark blue, marbled, veined horsecock that dangled between the legs of the pegasus mare, complete with a full set of balls.

Then the wind picked up.

The cold, frigid wind, coming straight down out of the north. . .

On the way back, following behind the Unicorn, who was practically dragging her young assisstant by the ear, Pendragon could not stop laughing, much to his comrade's discontent.

"Dude! Shut the fuck up! It was fucking cold, alright?! What'd you fucking expect?!"

Her only reply was further laughter, which left her grumbling as they made their way back to the lonely tavern on the edge of town, the home away from home, for some permanently, that promised to serve any and all, equally and without question. A place who's proprietor was stranger even than the town itself.

The Alicorn's Respite.

Author's Note

Welp. Welcome back, everyone. :rainbowlaugh: Hope you enjoy this trip into the madness of my brain, and let me know if you spot any typos!

Until next time, Harmonia Invictus!!! :rainbowdetermined2:

3.14159265359. . . .

The world was duality, and a singularity, as it was below, it was sideways, and upside down as well. The world was duality, but it had no sides, because sides inferred walls, or at least fences, and there were no fences, except in the minds of those who were so unfortunate to have not yet received the truth, via direct transmission from the mind of the Goddess.

The world was also a delicious shortcake, but that was aside from the point of the matter.

"Have you seen the carbuncle?!"

"Uh . . . What?"

"Pfft! THe carbunkle on the side of the warthog?! Is that so hard to comprehend?!"

"Uh . . . "

"Worthless!"

So many, trapped in a nightmare of normality, as Mr. Grayface told them to conform, to fit in and do what everypony else did. Poor, lost souls to a one, but they could yet be saved! For the Goddess could save them from this prison of blandy, plain boringness!

"Have you heard the Law of Fives?"

"What's that?"

"All things happen in Fives! Except when they don't, and even then, they do somewhere! . . . Probably."

"Riiigggghht."

"Pfft! You'll see!"

They'd all see, one day, when the Goddess returned! No, when she found her! She had to find her, it was the only way to save the world from itself, at this point. Even with the signs of her presence all around, too many refused to open their eyes to the glorious, polychromatic light of her passing, and stayed lost in the gray boring nothing of their daily lives.

Plus, maybe then she could ask her why . . .

Not important!

"Have you seen the light of the Sacred Chao?!"

"The sacred . . .Cow?"

"No! The Chao! The symbol of the GOddess' light!"

"What is wrong with you?!"

"Lots! Thank you for noticing!"

Honestly! So many in need of a good dose of Operation Mind-Fuck! If only she had a golden apple . . . she'd bake a Pie out of it, and give it to all of them! They needed some unity! And unity could only be found through Chaos!

"Hey, you! Yes, you! Did you know that God is a crazy mare?!"

"Freak!"

"Thank you!"

The Alicorn's Respite, befitting its chosen occupation as a place of rest for those weary Travelers who found themsleves staggering out of the Everfree Forest, and into a brand new world like none they'd ever seen before, saw its fair share of weirdo and strangers.

Sitting on the south-western edge of Ponyville, a few hundred yards from the edge of the Everfree Forest, it was caught between the largest confluence of wild magic, and the absolute strangest town in all of Equestria, so it was no wonder that weird things happened there at least once a week.

Pendragon had lived in this town for the last three years of his life, ever since he had wandered out from those trees, himself, confused, disoriented and a long way from home. He had seen all sorts of things, from the relatively mundane, like a stampede of rabbits, to the downright weird . . . like Vinyl Scratch showing any interest whatsoever in a male.

However, he had to admit, this one seemed to top them all. For what had to be the fifth night in a row, this weird pink mare with the flyaway mane and tail was bopping back and forth around the tavern, asking odd questions of the patrons and talking to herself in low mumbles.

He wasn't sure why this topped his list. In fact, it should have seemed to be amazingly mundane, but something about her . . . She was quite attractive, in a way, but more than that . . . there was a feeling that came off of her, as though there was something different about her. Like she had stepped out of another world. ANd, in a place where that very thing was considered normal, for anycreature to have a noticeable feeling of otherworldliness about them was something strange, indeed.

He heard a clink from beside him, and glanced over, seeing the proprietor of the Respite, a shale grey alicorn with a long blonde mane and tail, both of which were touched with a streak of bright bubblegum pink, a pair of teal eyes in a freckled face, wearing a skirt and blouse, with a piercing in her right eyebrow, and three in her left ear.

Muse was a bit of a weirdo, herself, the only other Alicorn known, other than the princesses, a title which she refused to accept, and somepony with a vaguely cynical and sharp edged personality.

"Are you calling me a bitch?" She asked in her east Trottingham accent, glancing up at the sky, and Pendragon frowned. She also had a tendency to talk to herself, from time to time. He glanced back at the strange pink pony in her frilly blouse and slashed wool pantaloons, a lute slung across her back, along with a panpipe and a small tambourine, every step she took causing the latter to jingle slightly.

He glanced back to Muse and gestured at the pink mare. "Relative of yours?"

She snorted, shaking her head. "Nah, just the author's waifu." She said, and Pen frowned even harded.

"What?" He asked, and she shook her head again.

"Nothing." She said, pointing to the pink mare. "I don't know much about her, aside from what she's talkin' about, half the time."

"You understand that?" He said, quirking an eyebrow.

She shrugged. "Much as somepony who's sane can understand it. Y'see, a few thousand years ago, there was this creature, called a Draconequus, a mish-mash of different body parts, half dragon, half pony, and two thirds whatever else he felt like. He called hisself 'Discord', up 'til he got a bit too fond of fuckin' with the ponies of Equestria, and so got on the wrong side o' the Princesses. Nopony knows exactly what they did. All they know is, they went into his Castle of Chaos, and then everything went back to normal, and he was never seen again."

While she spoke, she served a pint of cider to a griffin with a broadsword on her hip, and fetched a palte of pork and potatoes, setting it down in front of Pen with a nod. The man dug into the food while listening to her speak.

"Now, the self-dubbed 'Lord of Chaos' was gone, but believe it or not, there were ponies who felt he'd not been such a bad sort, and they started up this freaky cult that they called the 'First Church of Discordianism', or, sometimes, the 'Erisian Church'. See, apparently Discord liked to swing both ways, down to a molecular level. He'd make himself female, right down to the bits and all, and when he was like that, she called herself Eris." She waved her hand. "Anyway, the Erisians are . . . mostly harmless, if crazy people can be called that. They mostly believe that bringing a bit o' chaos into the world's not a bad thing, and hoenstly, sometimes I think they're right."

Pen chewed and swallowed his food, taking a drink of his cider, then glanced over at the pink mare. "Sounds a bit like something we had back in my world. She's one of these . . . Erisians, then?"

Muse frowned at him. "That . . . That is why I went through all that exposition, ya know?" She glanced up into the air again, a cross look on her face. "Honestly, at least you're being a bit more realistic about the level of your intelligence, this time. Good to see you accepting your place!" She said, and then shrugged and headed off to serve another customer.

Pendragon, with the ease of one who's dealt with things like this too often, shook his head and went back to eating and watching the cute mare bounce around.

She was small, just a bit taller than Rainbow Dash, who was only a hair and some change over five feet. She was slender, yet her hips were quite nicely full, something he could tell even through the loose, baggy pants she aws wearing. She also had the biggest, brightest blue eyes he'd ever seen, and seemed to always be grinning or laughing, or humming to herself, as though she was hearing music all the time.

The man felt something, watching her. Something he hadn't felt in a while. No, it wasn't the erection, he had those fairly frequently, and had sex often enough to deal with them. . .

"And I thought you were being honest!" Muse shouted from the other side of the bar, giving a sardonic laugh, momentarily distracting Pendragon. When he looked back, all he saw was the curly end of a pink tail vanishing out the door. Without a second thought, he scrambled in his pouch, dropping a handful of bits on the counter and rushing off to follow her.

Muse walked over, counting out the bits and finding he had overpaid by ten. She looked up and sighed. "You just can't quit chasing her, can you?" She said, then shook her head, laughing, and heading off to tend to her other customers.

Author's Note

Two in as many days! Don't get used to it. The internet is down at my house, but I already had this chapter basically finished. With nothing better to do, here it is! There's probably some typos, just let me know if you spot 'em and I'll deal with when I can!

Hope you enjoy! Harmonia Invictus!

Fluff

Author's Note

This story is set a few months after My Lil Innuendo and a few days before . . . Pi.

Fluff

Rainbow Dash and Pendragon sat in the Alircorn's Respite, drinking cider and enjoying the music from up on stage, where Vinyl Scratch and Octavia Melody were jamming with a trio of steam powered robots that had dropped through a protal last month.

A pink mare, who looked to be around twenty or so, and had possibly the wildest, most unkempt mane that Pendragon had ever seen, kept bouncing around the room, asking odd questions and muttering to herself.

However, the two companions, both of whom worked at the Ponyville chapter of the Equestrian FIghter's Guild, had most of their attention on one single thing: An Outsider, as those who fell through the portals were often referred to, who was standing at the bar, loudly talking about not much at all, and somehow drinking a pint of mead, even though he had not yet removed the absolutely massive great helm he wore.

"Why is his armor so . . . chonky?" Pen asked, frowning over the rim of his glass.

"I've got a better question, what the fuck is that thing on his back?!" Dash asked, tilting her head this way and that, and eyeing the massive bar of metal, easily a foot wide a couple of inches thick, attached to a relatively slender, perfectly round handle, that was held to the armored man's(?) back by a series of straps and loops.

"I . . . I hate to say this, but I think that's supposed to be a . . . A sword." Pen said, visibly flinching at having to apply that word to such a thing.

"No!" Dash exclaimed, turning and looking at him.

"There's more." He said, grimacing as he noticed something else about the 'weapon' in question.

"What?!" Dash said, eyes widening and looking back towards the thing at the bar.

"Yeah. See that obtusely spiky thing separating the blade from the . . . handle?" Pen said, and Dash nodded. "I think that's a guard."

"Dear gods, no!" Dash said, turning and looking at the human again, before looking back to the bar. "But . . . But the spikes? Half of them are pointing backwards! You'd . . . You'd just wind up poking yourself with them if you tried to use the fucking thing!"

"Why . . . Just . . .Just why?" Pen begged the air, staring at the unholy thing in aguish.

"Well . . . Only one way to find out." Dash said, knocking back half a pint of Sweet Apple Hard Cider in one go, before standing up, wavering on her feet for a second, then taking off towards the bar, metal wing shifting slightly, boots thumping on the wooden floor.

"Dash!" Pen called out, too late, and wit ha grimace, stood up to follow. . . .

Dash walked up to the big . . . potential human, it was hard to tell, through the massive, oversized armor, but the voice sounded male. Stopping and leaning up against the bar, the mare eyed him up and down, then nodded as he turned and looked down at her.

"Yes, small pony thing?" He asked in a rumbling voice.

"Hey, dude, why's your sword so big?" Rainbow Dash asked the paladin, cocking her eyebrow at the massive, chonky bar of steel he had slung across his back.

"Glad you asked, girly pony person!" The big armored lunk said, grinning broadly, although none could see this as it was hidden behind his great helm. Dash frowned and opened her mouth to say something, but was silenced by the weight of his gauntleted hand coming down on her shoulder in a 'friendly' slap.

While she winced and rubbed her shoulder, the big man continued speaking. "My blade needs such size and mass to succeed at it's given task! For sooth, this is Bonebane! Slayer of Dragons!"

While the paladin stood, somehow managing to look mightily pleased with himself, Dash frowned again, metal wing shifting with a little clicking sound. "Wait, what?"

"Indeed! You may marvel at its glory, if you'd like!" He said, turning to show the foot wide slab of iron ore that was hanging off his armor like a growth. Dash looked at, muzzle scrunching in a way that might be cute, if calling it that wouldn't get me kicked in the balls.

The weapon in question, one 'Bonebane' apparently, had dings and dents all along the edge, if you could call something with all the sharpness of a rusty old chisel an 'edge', and was stained with rust and other things in various places.

The slim pegasus' hand slid down to the cleaned and polished hilt of her saber, and she gave a little cough of air that 'might' have been a laugh, maybe. "Heh . . . Uhh, yeah, about that . . . One of my best friends is a dragon, dude." She said, looking up as the paladin gave a gasp and stepped back.

"For sooth, tis a lie!" He said, and, when the pegasus shook her head, he slumped. "You poor, foolish girl! You've been fooled!"

"I . . . What?" Dash said, a pained expression on her face, while one eyebrow was starting to twitch.

"Sooth! All dragons are vicious tricksters! Demonic forces, for whom the only solution is to slay them quickly, before they can get their vicious claws into your poor, womanly mind!"
Dash looked up at him and tilted her head. "Wha? Who, Spike, a demon?" She thought for a second, then shook her head. "Nah, he fluffy smol boi." She said, making the paladin lean back away from her, somehow looking confused.

She held up her hand, looking as though she'd just realized something important. "He dummy thicc, tho."

"He's . . . what?" The paladin said, clearly confused.

"He's thicc! Ya know, he got that ass? For fuckin' days."

The paladin leaned away, and then forward. "Sooth, tis far too late for you!" He stepped back, reaching over his shoulder. "There is only one solution for one so far gone!" He said, and grabbed his massive sword, pulling it up out of its sheath . . . whereupon it got not even a third of the way out, because it was too long to be drawn over his shoulder.

Dash simply stood, watching him with a hand on her hip and a small smile on her face as he struggled, bending and twisting in his over-sized suit of armor as he attempted to get the weapon free. He finally paused, huffing and puffing, and held up a hand. "Just . . . Just a moment. I swear, this never usually happens."

"It's fine, dude." She said, smirking. "Different worlds have different rules, ya know? Take your time."

The big knight paused once again in his attempts to get the sword off his back, helmet moving in such a way to indicate he was looking up at her. "You are . . . surprisingly polite, to one who is attempting to slay you!" He said, the frown evident in his voice.

"Yeah, well, I think 'Attempting' is the key word there, dude, and, frankly, you're doing a shit poor job of it, so far." She said, smirk turning into a leer as the big, overly armored douche straightened up, glaring down at her.

"What are you saying, femoid?!" He said.

"I said, you're failing pretty fuckin' epicly at the whole 'slaying me' thing, dude. Hel, I think you'd do a better job if you just . . . walked into me, with how fuckin' heavy all that shit your wearing must be!"

"Insolent wench! I shalt teacheth thee!" He exclaimed, once more struggling to try and get the big sword off his back.

"Here, lemme help y'all out with that, pardner." A deep, honeyed voice spoke from behind him, an orange hand reaching out and taking hold of the sword's hilt. The weapon was drawn from its scabbard smoothly, in one clean motion, and with enough force that it caused the knight to spin around on one sabaton-ed foot. He came to a stop, helmet-to-muzzle with an orange pony wearing a simple tunic and breeches, like a peasant or famer might wear, and a large, wide brimmed hat. She had orange fur, a blonde mane and tail, both braided, and big green eyes that looked out of a freckled face.

She was also several inches over six feet tall, her exposed arms corded with muscle, and was currently holding up his foot wide, five foot long 'Bonebane' in one hand as though it weighed no more than a leaf. "This here is one ugly toothpick y'all got."

The knight stood for a moment, balanced precariously on one foot, almost toppling, before a metal wing wrapped around him and, with a small amount of effort, managed to right him. He stood for a moment, slumped at the shoulders, before straightening up and clearing his throat, clearly trying to regain some sort of composure. "Er, m- . . . Ahem. Miss! That is no toothpick! It is a weapon of great power, forged by the finest smiths of my land!"

The orange mare glanced at him, cocking an eyebrow quite high, her face saying she bought exactly none of what he said. "If this is what the finest smiths o' yer land can do, I'd hate to see what the worst ones make." She said, plainly.

"Apparently, it's for 'slaying dragons', AJ." Rainbow Dash said, and the mare, AJ, looked over at her.

"Say what?" She said, deadpan.

"Yep! And, also apparently, this guy thinks Spike's some kinda 'demon' who's trying to 'twist our womanly minds' or some shit."

AJ frowned at her friend, before turning and looking at the knight . . . then bursting into a fit of uncontrolled laughter, putting the point of 'Bonebane' against the stone floor and leaning on it as she nearly bent double. "Spike?! A demon?! Ha! Y'all've clearly never met 'im!"

The paladin stood stiffly, clearly glaring at them both, even through his helmet. "Miss, I demand that you give me back my weapon, so that I may go and slay this foul beast that has clearly befuddled your weak, feminine minds! It is a weapon requiring great skill, and I doubt you could handle it much longer without harming yourself!"

With a rush of wind and noise, 'Bonebane' sweapt through the air, the practically blunt edge catching the paladin behind the legs and tripping him, causing him to fall to the ground with a clatter of steel and iron. The massive blade whipped around and came to rest with the tip just lightly prodding the opening under the man's helmet. All of this, the mare had accomplished without laying a second hand on the weapon.

And now, the paladin found himself staring up from the ground, the wind knocked firmly out of him, at not only one, but several displeased faces. The orange mare, AJ, was holding Bonebane to his neck without a single sign of effort or sweat, her face deadly serious. Beside her, the petite winged mare stood, holding a pistol in her hand, cocked and aimed at him, still smirking, but with a dangerous cast to it. To her side stood a human man with ginger hair, shaved on the side and back, a bastard sword draped over one shoulder, and to the right of the orange mare stood another human, dressed a bit like a fop, with a raiper held firmly in his hand, glaring from out of his goateed face.

"Now, y'all'll be wantin' to think real good and hard about what y'all just said, won't ya boy?" The orange mare, AJ, said, voice cold and hard. "An' y'll be wantin' to think again, next time you wanna insult me an' threaten one o' mah best friends, won't ya?"

The paladin lay there, staring up at them all for a moment, before metal creaked and groaned, as he silently nodded, a gulping sound issuing forth from his throat, seeming to echo from within the huge metal bucket he called a helmet.

"Good boy." She siad, lifting the sword before dropping it onto his chest with a clang. WIth that, the quartet turned away and promptly forgot about the 'knight', who simply lay there, pondering how he was going to clean out his armor later, and if he perhaps should invest in a lighter weapon.

"Damn, Monty, that guy was a bigger douchebag than you are!" Dash said, glancing at the goateed human, who turned a cool blue eye on her with a quirk of an eyebrow.

"That is exactly the sort of thing I would expect from you, ma chair." He said, making Pendragon flinch at his butchered attempt at French. However, the brunette hair Guilder was still talking, as usual. Watching Dash and Montgomery bump egos was like watching two Whales butt heads. EIther hilarious or boring, and sometimes dangerous, depending on the mood. However, right now, things seemed to be on the friendly side, if Monty was still . . . attempting to call her his friend, although poorly.

"Thanks for the assist, AJ. I'd've stepped in, but when I saw you, I knew you'd be able to humble that asshole easier than me."

"Well, y'all know I'll always be around fer mah friends, Pen." The orange farm pony and part time Guilder said, tipping her hat. "Especially if it envolves puttin' annoyin' little turds like him in their places."

"What do you mean by 'Vulgar Lout'?!" Dash exclaimed, slamming her pint mug on the bar and glaring at Monty.

"Exactly what I said, Dash! You are vulgar and you are a lout! What more is there to know?!" Monty shot back, leaning towards the mare, nostrils flaring.

"I dunno what either of those things mean, but you sound like you're fucking insulting me, and I don't fucking like that shit!" Dash snarled.

"Well, shall we separate them?" Pen asked, sipping his fresh pint of cider as he watched the two bristle up and try and stare one another down.

"Nah." AJ said, leaning back against the bar and tipping her hat back. "Been a while, since we had a decent barfight."

"You think it'll last that long?" Pen asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Depends on how drunk RD is." The big mare said, glancing at him.

He smiled, lifting his glass. "This should be fun!"