This is me

by Sanguine Dream

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Human, Sad, Drama, Alternate Universe, Other, Equestria Girls, Sunset Shimmer
Length: 2061

What do you do when you hit rock bottom for a second time? Get it off your chest with someone who understands.

When it turns out you were born with a dual nature that made you a monster in the eyes of some, in need of strict control by others, and miserable to yourself, what do you do when you finally are free to be you again, and all your friends turn on you?

Find someone to vent to who understands your pain.

This came into my head today. I had to put it into text. No, I'm not actually that badly depressed today. Just kinda sick and cold medicine hit me hard. Might end up expanding on the universe in another story.

Thad was the editor for this.

Published 2021-02-07 20:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-02-07 20:30:00 UTC

Venting

Sunset sat on the couch, her backpack sat next to her. She tried to maintain her surface thoughts, she didn't want to start spiraling again, so she looked around the room. A swivel chair sat across from her, to its right was a small end table. The wall behind it showed off a few degrees, one specifically for child psychology. Between her and the chair was a squat, rectangular table. The morning sun shone through the blinds to the left of her. On that same wall, to the left of the window, was a large bookshelf filled with files and various 'psych' books. A desk, neatly organized, sat on the other side of the window.

The door to her right opened, the blinds on the glass swayed as it did.

A woman in a blue suit came in. Her pale blue hand clutched a steaming coffee cup.

"Sorry, needed my coffee."

"It's okay." Sunset smiled weakly. The woman sat in the chair across from her as set the coffee cup on a coaster on the end table.

The woman peered through a pair of glasses at her. Her red eyes looked a little tired and her lighter-blue hair was tied into a somewhat messy ponytail. "So, Sunset, how are you doing? How was the week?"

Sunset took a breath. "Rough." She said with a wince.

"School, friends, or both?" The woman asked, taking a moment to pick up her coffee, blow on it, and take a small sip, before setting it back down.

"What friends?" Sunset chuckled mirthlessly.

"So, it's still going. Has anyone professional looked into the account?" The woman asked, turning to grab a pen and a clipboard from the desk.

Sunset shook her head. "Nope. The Principal knows it's not me. I went in on day one and showed them everything, deleted my MyStable in front of them, even showed them my passwords."

"You mentioned." The woman nodded, scribbling something on the clipboard. "Any progress with your friends?"

"MmmMmm." Sunset hummed a negative, shaking her head again. "Still think it's me. I... I don't know if they were ever really my friends. Like, they were just going along with Twilight's recommendation instead of actually trying. I know if fucked up. I know-" She took a shaky breath. "I know I was prideful, and angry. I could do it on my own. I thought I didn't need anybody. I used Snips and Snails."

"And where do you think that comes from?" The woman asked, tilting her head a little.

"Well, it all comes back to Celestia." Sunset looked down at the floor.

"The Sun Goddess you've mentioned." There was more scribbling.

"Mmmhmmm." Sunset nodded again.

"And why's that?"

"Well she was my mom... basically. She adopted me, took me to live in this massive castle, and yet... it was like she held me at arms length the entire time." Sunset frowned, her eyes started to sting. "Like, why adopt a kid, if you aren't going to treat them like a kid?"

"Why do you think she did?"

"I don't know, I don't know what's going on in her head. I was her student." Sunset continued bitterly. "She taught me magic, more spells than I'd ever need. I would stay up reading tomes and grimoires of spells. Illusion was hard, I've never been all that subtle. I excelled at Evocation, had a talent for Pyromancy. It was like she was grooming me."

"A successor perhaps?"

"That's what I thought. Above everything else was control. Keep your poise. Don't show emotion. Don't get angry." Sunset sniffled, scrunching her face up in disgust. "Like I was this robot and not a fucking child. Here let me fill this kid's brain with spells and the promise of being something great, while also trying to quash any form of emotion. That persona she has in public? Not the first one where she tries to be professional? No, the one behind that, hey I'm funny and personable. That's a fucking lie, she's a fucking sociopath."

"Sunset, put a pin in that for a second." The woman spoke up. "Let's go back. Can you remember what life was like at the orphanage?"

"Lonely. I unnerved the other foals. Gave me a room by myself, especially after I accidently set a filly's pillow on fire." Sunset closed her eyes and let her head rest in her folded hands. "I unnerved the owners too. Not their fault. I swear to God that they called Celestia to have me removed."

"Anything else?"

"I was... volatile. I had tantrums, heh, more like explosions. Every time a family showed up they'd take one look at me and just go nope and leave me." Sunset let out a shaky sigh.

"So, jumping back, Celestia was grooming you for something?"

"I thought so. I did get ahold of a grimoire that explained Alicorn ascension. Of course. It was so simple now. She had to be getting me reading for Princessdom." Sunset rolled her eyes behind her eyelids.

"Which wasn't true?"

"No." Sunset shook her head.

"Then why go through the trouble of adopting you, teaching you, making you her student?"

"She was scared of me. Well, not in the fear for losing her power thing, more scared that I could be a threat to her ponies. And even if I'm a monster, I am still pony-enough not to get locked up in Pony-Hell." Sunset said bitterly. She took a breath and looked up at the woman. "Can I...?"

"Go ahead, you won't find any prying eyes here." The woman nodded with a small smile and a gesture of the pen.

Sunset felt herself relax. It started with a hot, prickling feeling along her skin. The heat flickered along her hands and feet, rolling up to meet at her chest, only to roll further upward and ripple over her face. Her fingers lengthened. Something sprouted from her tailbone. Two more things sprouted from her shoulder blades, phasing through her shirt with only a slight tickle. A pair of pricks on her forehead signaled the finale.

A ruby crimson claw came up and poked one of the small horns on her forehead. A pair of turquoise rings set in an orb of inky blackness looked towards the woman. Sunset sighed, showing off her elongated canines. "Turns out I was a half-demon the entire time." Her voice was slightly distorted, yet was still distinctly hers.

"And this explains things?" The woman nodded, uncaring of the demon sitting across from her.

"So much." Sunset nodded. "So one of the first things Celestia did when I got to the castle was cast something on me. Made my head hurt something fierce and made me super sick to my stomach, that's all I really remember about it. See, I'm pretty sure that was a spell to lockdown my true nature. So I could be more pony-like. The teaching of control was the real purpose. the spell learning was just an added benefit. She was teaching me to suppress myself, control myself, so I didn't turn into a monster."

"And she never told you?" The woman asked.

"Like she ever would." Sunset said bitterly, stretching her leathery wings. "No. I thought that she was grooming me for Princessdom. That was a fuckin' lie. She just wanted to make sure I didn't turn into a murder monster. No, I can't rely on other people. You're strong on your own. Yeah, keep me isolated so if I do go nuts, I don't hurt anybody. Look how that turned out." She rolled her eyes.

"The Fall Formal." The woman nodded.

"So, here's my thought. I fuck off, Celestia says I'm not ready. Never was going to be, but anyway, I leave. I show up here. Fuck knows how I survived the first year. Probably... Wait- Sidetrack." Sunset shook her head. "Thought-slash-theory time."

"Go ahead." The woman nodded with a small smile.

"So, Celestia's spell, never found out what that was, was maintained so long I was around her. Probably some vicinity thing. I get here. I'm not around her. So it doesn't go away immediately. It just bleeds off slowly. My demon-ness slowly makes itself more and more known, primarily through my emotions and thoughts. I was angery, I wanted vengeance. I'd been hurt and I wanted to hurt back. Queue the I'm going to use an army of teenagers to take over Equestria plan." Sunset rolled her eyes again. The woman gave a small titter. "Oh I know it's stupid now. When you're slowly losing yourself to a long suppressed demon-nature, then you can shit talk. However, at the time. I put the Friendship tiara on. That's basically condensed magic in physical form. The remains of Celestia's magic keeping me mostly human? Just fucking gone. And, Nature abhors a vacuum. Queue instant demon-mode. Fuck that hurt." She shuddered.

Sunset shook herself, rolling her neck a little. "Long story short, mind-control, turn Snips and Snails into half-demons, Twi and co nuke me. What's that do? Well it just resets me back to zero, so to speak. Push the demon-ness back, reinstate sanity, we're good."

"That didn't last?" The woman asked.

"Fuck no." Sunset frowned. "It basically cleared my head of the overwhelming demon-fog. I used the time to actually think. I started coming to you basically immediately, thanks mostly to the weird janitor who recommended you."

"I remember." The woman nodded.

"Right. I knew something was off and I needed someone to word-vomit at." Sunset nodded back. "I know what my sins are, I'm prideful and I'm vengeful... and angry. I just need to balance those out with more positive emotions, or have somebody around to make sure that I don't slide too far."

"Your friends?" The woman asked.

"Oh they tried at first, especially Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. But, I could feel it, their resentment was still there. And it'd come out in things that normally ended in no offense." Sunset shook her head. "See, I thought I deserved it. I deserved to have those little barbs because I'd turned into a shithead over the course of like, four years-ish, and did some pretty despicable things."

"Sunset, what do you think the source is?" The woman asked, glancing up from her notes.

"Huh? Source?" Sunset blinked at her.

"Yes. The Pride. The Vengeance. The Anger. What's beneath those?" The woman asked.

Sunset looked away, thinking a moment. "I think... rejection..."

"Go on."

"Like... My biological parents didn't want me. Orphanage. Celestia didn't really want me. Arms length and control. Get here. What did I learn. I can go it alone. I don't need anyone. Nobody can reject me if I don't have anyone to reject me. Yeah, I dated Flash for awhile. That was pretty surface... And now... because of... probably a number of reasons, somebody's made an account pretending to be me. My friends were all too ready to believe that I haven't changed at all."

"You know what that means?" The woman asked.

"Huh." Sunset rubbed an eye with a balled up fist.

"You need actual friends." The woman nodded.

"Yeah..." Sunset looked away. "Like that's gonna happen."

"But you said yourself that you need somebody." The woman pointed out.

"Right..." Sunset winced.

"Let's make that homework for this week." The woman said with a smile. "Try, and I do mean try, I know things are really rough right now, but try to make a friend."

"I'll... try..." Sunset nodded, standing up.

Sunset took a breath and with a prickle and a ripple, she was back to looking human. She opened her eyes and looked at the woman. "Thanks Meg."

"Always." Meg nodded, standing up herself as Sunset shouldered her backpack.

"Ugh, I always feel a little cramped when I change back." Sunset grimaced as she stepped out of the office.

"I know how you feel Sunset." Meg said as Sunset opened the door out.

As Sunset stepped out into the morning light, Meg relaxed in the entryway to her office. She took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes. A leathery blue wing emerged from her right shoulder and flapped a couple times.

"I really do."

Author's Note

I wrote this whole thing while I was out of it on Cold Medicine. I've been listening to Paper Thin on repeat. Lemme know what you think.