Deep Regrets

by Mlp_Starry_Night

Rating: everyone
Tags: Sad, Other, Drama, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4154

One moonlit night, Celestia thinks about her past actions. And how she failed the one that needed her most.

It was for Equestria, but Celestia feels only regret for banishing her sister. Life has not been kind to her for the past few days. Ponies spreading rumors, fear of the sun and moon cycle stopping in it's tracks. But one night while walking through the Castle of Canterlot, she visits the library.

And finds something...

Maybe she's not that alone after all.

Published 2021-03-07 21:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-03-07 21:40:01 UTC

Hope

The Sun. A bright orb that hung suspended in the air, bathing the land in a soft glow. It’s magnificent beams stretched out all across Equestria, cultivating the crops and bringing warmth and light to the country's citizens. To the ponies of Equestria, the sun was more than just a ball of light that rose into the sky and descended below the horizon. It was a sign of hope. Just as the sun would rise, marking a new day, some saw it as a reminder. A reminder that there was such a thing as second chances, and that any pony could turn over a new leaf and start again. But while the sun was a symbol, for some it held no meaning. For some, they just enjoyed the warmth and light that was showered upon them.

Just as the sun was magnificent in its glory, so was the one who wielded it. Princess Celestia, one of the reigning monarchs of Equestria.

Scratch that, the sole reigning monarch of Equestria.

The Princess however, didn’t feel like getting up and rising again. She didn’t feel powerful, beautiful or majestic. She felt broken. Trapped, empty, as if she were bound to the ground with metal shackles.

Celestia was lying on her bed inside her chambers. Her chambers were situated in the west tower of her castle. The west tower of the castle was the only sanctuary that Celestia had. To the whole land, she was Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria, bringer of peace, and guardian of harmony.

But here, in her bedroom? She was just a pony. A pony who was experiencing great heartache.

Levitated in her magic was a photo frame. The picture depicted two fillies standing side by side. The taller one had a wavy bubblegum pink mane, as well as a coat so light it almost appeared to be white. The second had a beautiful midnight blue coat and sapphire blue mane, which perfectly complemented the pony on her side. The two were hugging, a hug that demonstrated how much each one cared for the other.

A drop of liquid sadness slid down Celestia's face and dropped onto the frame. She looked at the photo for a brief minute, wallowing in sorrow, before she moved off her bed. Her hoof reached towards her face to wipe tears from her magenta eyes. Her golden aura placed the photo on her bedside. She straightened her posture before moving towards the balcony.

Celestia's mane whipped backward in the non existing breeze. The colors of her mane streamed outwards behind her, with the sparkle illuminating the mass of moving colours. Her golden horseshoes tapped lightly on the polished floor as she exited her room onto the sunlit balcony.

She reached the platform and gazed down at the City of Canterlot. Her sharp eyes caught sight of fillies and colts playing in the Canterlot streets. They were laughing, without a care in the world. The princess felt a pang of guilt erupt inside her. The fillies reminded her of herself, before she had taken the throne of Equestria. She remembered the days fondly, the days where she didn’t have to worry about taking over the burden of Equestria.

Celestia's vision suddenly grew blurry as tears made themselves known. It was ridiculous! She thought to herself, that the ruler of the land was barely managing to keep herself from bursting into tears. And yet here she was. Vulnerable, empty, guilty.

Alone.

She knew she was being hard on herself. And yet that did not stop her from blaming herself for what she had done. Her friends had tried to reason with her. They had said that it wasn’t her fault, that she wasn't in control. But even with that knowledge, it couldn’t stop the cold, harsh truth.

Luna was her sister. And she had failed her.

She took in a deep breath. Her train of thought came to a screeching stop. She had things that needed to be done. She could think about her failures later. But not now.

The princess’ gaze turned upward towards the sun. She inhaled, before her golden magic swirled in the air. It gripped the sun, golden tendrils that wove against the sides of the orb, before engulfing it completely. Then the sun began its descent. Slow at first, before speeding up as the minutes passed. As the celestial body descended, the colours of the sky changed to match the shifting of day to night. The sky, which had been streaked with pinks, oranges and yellows, became darker. It was as if a shadow had dropped against the sky, and that shadow now embraced the backdrop of Canterlot.

The stars made their presence known, twinkling and sparkling like diamonds in a darkened mine.

A pang of unease leapt through Celestia and she took a deep gulp. The sun had set, now was the hard part. The part that she dreaded with every fiber in her body. Steadying herself, she shut her eyes. Her magic reached into the vast emptiness of the backdrop…

And the moon began to rise.

The moon, in all its glory. It rose above the inky horizon, above the houses of Canterlot’s residents, above the spires of the castle. The beams of moonlight stretched forward, at the same time the colours of the sunset faded, replaced by a void of darkness. And that darkness, it only illuminated the moon further.

Celestia stopped her magic flow. Her eyes rested on the grey patches that stained the moon. Grey patches that depicted the outline of a mare. Without warning, a memory played through her mind.

“Luna, I will not fight you! You must lower the moon, it is your duty!”

“Luna? I am NIGHTMARE MOON! I have but one royal duty now; TO DESTROY YOU!”

Tears streamed down her face as she gathered the elements. They swirled around in a mass of purple, pink, blue, yellow, white and orange. Nightmare Moon cast her own spell, readying her dark magic. Two beams, one filled with light, the other demanding eternal darkness slammed into each other. Celestia’s began to push back Nightmare Moon’s. And try as she might, the alicorn of the night could do nothing against it. With a final scream the beam hit its target, and the mare was sent plummeting backwards, into the moon.

Another scream sounded through the night. This one filled not with anger and rage, but desperation and pain.

Celestia gasped as the memory stopped. Leaning forward she took deep breaths, as her tears splashed onto the marble balcony. The thoughts slammed into her conscious:

Why couldn’t I save her?

Why did you have to do this?

I’ll never see you again…

Don’t leave me…

I miss you…

She didn’t try to stop her tears. She let them flow down her face. She was a failure. Perhaps not to Equestria, but to her sister.

Luna

Celestia inhaled. The alicorn knew that she needed to stop. To occupy her thoughts. Her forlorn face crafted into one of deep thought. Where to go?

The castle was quiet. The same quiet that threatened to lunge out and consume any shred of hope from the world. But Celestia?

She welcomed the quiet.

Her soft hoofsteps echoed throughout the hall before she pushed open the door of the Canterlot Library. The door swung open on creaking hinges and Celestia stepped inside. The princess let a ball of light appear at the end of her horn. The orb illuminated the library, casting shadows on the floor. She shut the door behind her and cautiously walked forward. Silently moving, she made her way out of the main library and down a shadowy ile. As Celestia walked down the pathway surrounded by two bookshelves she let her mind wander. Without meaning to, she found herself replaying a single event in her mind.

“What does she mean?”

“Princess Luna’s… gone?”

“I’m not complaining, she was always rather strange.”

“But what now; who will raise the moon?”

Celestia’s subjects’ voices floated through the alicorn’s ears. The monarch shut her eyes together, trying to squeeze the gathering tears away. When she opened them the crowd was still in uproar. Gulping, she cast a voice projection spell on herself before addressing her subjects.

“Yes. Princess Luna… is gone. But… I can assure you, I will make sure Equestria remains united.”

Her words did nothing to calm the crowd.

“I don’t understand!”

“What’s gonna happen?”

“Are the windigos going to return?!”

Celestia gritted her teeth together. She didn’t know what to do. “I…” she began to speak, but stopped when a hoof was laid on her shoulder. The alicorn turned her face to the unicorn who was standing at her side. The stallion with a navy blue coat. “Yes Shield?”

Gleaming Shield looked at Celestia. The princess could see sympathy brimming in his amethyst eyes. “You should go,” he said in a soft voice, as so not to be heard.

Celestia stiffened. “I beg your pardon?” she said in a slightly defensive voice. “I am the ruler of Equestria, and my subjects-”

“I know your majesty, forgive my bluntness. But I believe you need a break from-” Gleam cut off for a moment and observed the crowd before continuing. “From this.”

The alicorn princess sighed. She lifted a hoof to her eyes and rubbed them before retorting. “And who is going to take care of this mess?” she asked exhaustively. She was so tired she didn’t even jump when a high pitched voice sounded behind her.

“Us of course, princess!” an earth pony with an almond coloured coat and bright red mane exclaimed. Chancellor Puddinghead leapt to Celestia's side before grinning. “We got this!”

“While I hate to agree with Ms.Puddinghead, that does seem to be the best option at the moment,” said the posh voice of the former unicorn princess; Platinum. “We can handle this.You should get some rest.”

Celestia came up with another objection but didn’t voice it as Chancellor Puddinghead began bouncing to the balcony. The retort died on her tongue and she shook her head, before walking slowly off the balcony, leaving the land’s founders to deal with the crowd.

She didn’t mean to pry but there wasn’t enough distance between her and the balcony to stop her from overhearing the conversation.

“Listen up!” the commanding voice of Hurricane shouted. “You all are scared, sure, but acting like a bunch of foals isn’t helping!”

Celestia nearly facehoofed. That wasn’t the smartest thing to say.

Sure enough, murmurs passed throughout the crowd. Celestia could hear Platinum groan. “That’s not helping!” she hissed.

“Got a better idea?” Hurricane shot back.

Silence.

Till it was broken by a calm voice, laced with empathy, yet also radiating order.

“Things are uncertain,” Clover the Clever spoke, signature cloak flapping in the breeze. “Many of you are unsure and scared, at the loss of Princess Luna. But we need everypony to remain calm, and to think logically.”

“We lost our Princess, you want us to be calm!” a stray voice shouted from the crowd.

Clover didn’t flinch.

“Yes, we are aware. And just like you, we are unsure what will happen next. But we are working hard to get through this. However, it’s impossible to do this alone.”

Clover stopped talking, emerald green eyes drifting across the crowd.
“ Somepony asked about the windigos, will they come back? Only if we let them. As each of you know, the windigoes feed off fear and hatred. The creatures have not been seen for decades. And I think you all know the reason why… “

The air was silent, only broken by the shuffling of hooves. Then Smart Cookie spoke, “Each one of ya has shown that together you are stronger, undividable, unconquerable. And you can continue to stand together,”

He paused, allowing the smoky blue pegasus on the right to put in a few words. “If you stay together, nopony can bring you down.” Pansy spoke softly, yet her voice had a sort of silent strength to it.

Celestia felt her lips pull upwards as the murmurs in the crowd turned from those of apprehension to those of thought. After a while her smile faded.

Together.

Luna…

Celestia shook her head as she tried to rid herself of the memory. A minute passed and the shadow of a smile crossed her features. The founders had certainly done an excellent job of calming Equestria the past few days. Much better that she had. She felt a frown settle on her face. The ponies didn’t trust her as much as they had. And why should they? She had not been the ruler that they deserved. Rumours had stretched out across her kingdom. Celestia hated those rumours. They were worse than the ones that had been made up about Luna.

Luna

The alicorn’s frown turned into a scowl. Rumours. One of the things that had caused Luna to turn in the first place. If only Equestria’s ponies hadn't been so blind, so ignorant, Luna might still be with her.

It was Equestria’s fault.

And hers.

With each passing step the end of the bookshelves neared. Celestia found herself in front of a shelf with books neatly arranged on the platform. Dusty, old, covers wrinkled with age. Yet amongst those old books were new ones having come out only in the past year. But those too had a thin layer of dust on them. After all, few set hoofs this far back in the library.

Celestia’s eyes darted along the shelf till she found what she was looking for. Two books, one with a sunny yellow cover, the other a dark one depicting the night. Celsetia lit her horn and enveloped the books in her magic. She pulled. The bookshelf parted slowly, clouds of dust floating upwards. Inhaling, she stepped forward, into the suffocating darkness.

When the princess’s eyes adjusted to the dark she found herself standing in a large room. Books lined the walls and a few desks stood neatly in the corner. Celestia blinked and waved her hoof in front of her face. The dust that clouded the air caused her to cough and sneeze. The princess took a deep breath and walked towards a small writing desk that stood neatly in the corner.

The Castle Library. The main part was open to anypony, but the room in which Celestia now stood.

This was the restricted section.

The table’s oak surface was smooth to the touch, the rough engravings shimmering in the gloomy light. Celestia sank into the chair that was placed behind the table. Once she was seated she looked around uneasily at the walls around her. The question remained: what to read? Her eyes darted around the room before resting on a lone book that was sitting on a shelf.

Having nothing else to read she quickly sat up and walked towards the shelf. In her haste her leg caught on the chair. It went tumbling to the ground, hitting a block of the rock wall that was visible. Celestia groaned and turned around to pick up the chair but stopped short. The place where the wall had been was now hollow. Spiderwebs and plumes of dust fell out, coating the floor with decades of filth.

The princess stared for a moment, before she walked carefully to the spot covered with dirt. Bending down she squinted, trying to see if there was anything inside the hole. When her eyes failed her, she wrinkled her muzzle in disgust and stuck her hoof into the hole.

Cobwebs, grime and dust brushed against her leg as she felt the inside. She flinched but continued to pry around. Just when she assumed that her efforts were futile her leg touched something. Something rough yet smooth, dry and brittle, something that felt oddly like a piece of parchment. The alicorn carefully pulled the object out with her golden aura.

Suspended in her magic was an old scroll. The scroll was wrinkled and yellow around the sides, tears in the parchment made way for dust to enter through its neatly rolled up form. But despite looking old, Celestia had a strange feeling that the scroll had been looked at not long before. A frown spread out across her face as she contemplated placing the scroll back in the dark hole she had found it. Eventually curiosity overcame confidentiality and she unfurled it.

Black inked stained the page that was enveloped in gold. The first thing Celestia made out: very bad hornwriting. The words had obviously been jutted down in a rush. Or maybe the pony who wrote this just was very messy with their writing?

Squinting her magenta orbs, she tried to decipher the words. Though it took time she eventually could make out the few lines blotched onto the parchment.

Years (exact number unknown) ACL, shall turn to darkness.

Bond… bearers of… tree=harmony

1000ANM

Longest day, 1000 year

Stars will aid in her escape

Nightime eternal.

Celestia’s curiosity depleted. The words on the parchment sounded vaguely like a riddle, and she didn’t have the energy nor time for riddles. However something under the writing caught her attention. It looked like a signature, or an initial.

SWTB
And then Celestia knew who wrote the strange lines.

Starswirl.

How had she not realized? It was staring at her in the face! All of sudden, she didn’t feel so reluctant to decipher the parchment. Sitting down on her chair once again she focused on the first line.

ACL? Celestia knew what that meant. After Celestia Luna. The phrase had become widely used these days.

Shall turn to darkness.

Celestia gritted her teeth. She knew what that meant too. It meant that Luna had turned away from Equestria and her sister, and fallen to darkness. It took all the princess’s composure to not begin to sob. She read the next line.

Bond… bearers of… harmony.

The first word baffled her. Squeezing her eyes shut she tried to understand what bond meant. When she failed to comprehend it she sighed.

Bearers?

She comprehended that as the bearers of harmony. Herself and Luna.

Next came tree=harmony. That had to mean the tree of harmony. Fair enough. This was all information Celestia already knew. After all, she and Luna had been the ones to take the elements from the tree.

For a second her train of thought came to a screeching halt, crashing into the barriers of her mind. If Starswirl truly wrote what was on the parchment, that meant he had known of the Tree of Harmony. And the elements. Before herself or Luna.

A shadow passed over her face before she shook her head and continued to read.

1000ANM?

What was that? She had never heard of ANM? ACL, sure. But this new abbreviation? It only added to her heavy stress load and crushing guilt. Guilt that wouldn’t be there if Luna….

Celestia threw her head into the table once she picked up what the three letters meant. ANM. After Nightmare Moon. Though the abbreviation was only on the parchment, not official, the knot in her stomach twisted till it hurt.

The last three lines confused her.

Longest day =The day she had banished her sister.
Thousand year = A thousand years after Nightmare Moon.
Stars will aid in her escape….
Bring about Night Time eternal….

Day… year… aid… eternal…

The table flew to the ground, splinters of wood shooting outwards and burying themselves into various surfaces. The chair was knocked backwards and books and papers flew into the air. All because of Celestia, who was now standing, an unreadable expression on her face. Slowly, unnoticeably, a spark formed inside her eyes. Heart beating rapidly, she dared to reread the parchment.

She reread it, and reread it, till she was sure the words weren’t tricking her. That she wasn’t being lured into the waves of surprise and astonishment that were lapping the edge of her soul.

But no. There they were. Still etched upon the paper. Her heart beated faster and at a snail's pace, a smile appeared on her face. Happiness washed over her, isolating her from her senses. If what the words read were true, it meant…

It meant…

Luna was coming back.

Her sister. Luna. She would return. She would come back. Celestia would see her again. She would get to apologise…

Apologise

The storm of emotions that had clouded Celestia's mind vanished. Now all that was left was a sense of longing, tinged only with a spot of shock.

Starswirl had known. That Luna would become evil. And he hadn’t told her. Celestia gritted her teeth. This all could have been avoided. Or would it still have happened, regardless of every measure they took?

No… I would have done something…

You didn’t do anything then, why would it be different.

Even if they were just in her mind, the words drove like a sword into her soul. Memories of her sister flashed through her mind in an ocean of pain. Celestia sniffed as her vision grew blurry around the edges.

“I’m sorry Luna,” Celestia whispered shakily. There was no one in the room, let alone her sister, but she said the words aloud anyways. “I’m sorry I failed you.”

Silence filled the empty room, broken only by the movement of the alicorn. Celestia squeezed her eyes tight. When she opened them again, the scroll still lay in front of her. Gulping, she levitated it in the air and reared it. At least in confirmed one thing; Luna would return. But what then? She would still be corrupted, a mare who only wished the night would be eternal. Celestia would have no choice but to banish her again.

Unless there was a way to get Luna to see reason. Celestia didn’t know how, why, or when, but she wouldn’t give up.

Even if it took one thousand years.

Something bubbled inside her, what it was, she knew not. All she knew is that it was an urge that threatened to drown her. While minutes ago, she would not have had the energy, now it boiled like the depths of a volcano. The restricted section of the library lit up in a flash of gold. And where Celestia once stood, there was now the slightest remains of a teleportation spell, sparkles floating in the air before hitting the ground.

The princess of the sun appeared on a balcony overlooking Canterlot. And glaring down at the capital was the moon, beams stretching across the backdrop of backs, violets and blues. Celestia lifted her head to gaze up at the grey sphere. Luna was up there…

And she would return.

One day.

As Celestia’s eyes drifted around Canterlot she began to think. If Luna were to come back, what would really happen. Would history repeat?

No. She wouldn’t let it.

The soft night breeze drifted across her face. It tickled, and the shadow of a smile appeared on her face. The smile, while not altogether happy, radiated calm. Solace. Regret.

Hope.

Celestia looked at the moon. The moon seemed to look down at her in return. “I’m going to fix this,” she whispered. She continued to lift her face skyward. “I’m sorry, but I’m going to fix this. I’m going to make it right.”

“For you.”

A piece of parchment glowed with golden light. It was carried from the castle onto the balcony, where Celestia sat. A quill and ink accompanied it. Celestia paused. Words swirled in her mind, before the quill was dipped in ink. Words appeared on the parchment.

Words that would once be read by a young unicorn.

Once upon a time in the magical land of Equestria, there were two regal sisters who ruled together and created harmony for all the land. To do this the eldest used her unicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn, the younger brought out the moon to begin the night. Thus, the two sisters created balance for their kingdom and their subjects, all different types of ponies.

Over time, the younger sister became resentful. The ponies thrived and relished during her sister’s day, but shunned and slept through her beautiful night. One day the younger sister refused to lower the moon to make way for the dawn.

The elder sister tried to reason with her, but the bitterness in the young one’s heart had turned her into a wicked mare of darkness. Nightmare moon. She vowed she would shroud the land in eternal night. Reluctantly, the elder sister harnessed the most powerful magic known to ponydom; The elements of Harmony.

Using the magic of the elements of harmony she defeated her younger sister, and banished her permanently in the moon.

The elder sister took on responsibility for both sun and moon, and hoped that harmony would forever be maintained in Equestria..

Till the return of the Princess of the night.

Luna