A Beautiful Lie (Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Become a Totalitarian Dictator)

by Leondude

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 7829

A disillusioned human-turned-unicorn tells Twilight and the other princesses why and how he became Equestria's new equine overlord.

This is a story all about how a guy got drunk, fell under a horse statue and then turned into a unicorn because he was fed up with the tribalism and hypocrisy the majority of the human race was guilty of.

Unfortunately for him, Equestrian society wasn’t that much of an improvement. So he did the most rational thing and became an evil overlord. A competent evil overlord, I should add.

A competent one that is also OP as shit.

Published 2021-02-08 22:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-05-03 20:42:26 UTC

Tom the Dark Lord-To-Be

On a fine summer afternoon, a unicorn stallion of a violet complexion and a chestnut-brown mane and tail, both trimmed to a sensible length, sat in the study of a cottage he rented not that long ago. He was wearing the Alicorn Amulet and, befitting his newfound power, was reading a list of things a budding evil overlord should and should not do.

“Number 35,” the unicorn muttered to himself, “I will not grow a goatee. Good advice.”

Suddenly, Twilight and the two formerly royal sisters booted down his door and pointed their horns at him.

“Uh...what are you doing?” the unicorn casually asked, “Pretty sure absorbing your magic was like the second thing I did after acquiring the amulet.”

“You will release our subjects at once!” Luna demanded.

“You mean Twilight’s subjects,” the unicorn replied as he pointed to Twilight, “And even then, they’re no longer her subjects because I used the combination of spells Starlight used in Every Little Thing She Does.”

The princesses gave the surprisingly savvy unicorn a befuddled look.

“Are you talking about that time Starlight used a mix of Cogeria, Fiducia Compelus, and Persuadere on my friends?” Twilight asked, “Because if you are, how did you know about that?”

“Magic,” the unicorn replied before snorting.

Twilight shot the unicorn a bemused look.

“Alright-y, then,” the unicorn said as he got up and stretched his legs, “Time to succeed where Starlight and Accord had failed.”

“Wait, what if I can convince you that what you’re doing is wrong?!” Twilight frantically exclaimed.

The unicorn chuckled, “I’m flattered you actually took the time of day to reason with me, considering how half-assed your efforts with Cozy Glow were. Granted, she was a little psychopath but what’s the difference between her and a cult leader guilty of messing with the space-time continuum, eh?”

“Speaking of which, I’m still annoyed you didn’t come to us during the Pony of Shadows incident,” Luna stated to Twilight, “My sister and I barely had anything to do when we were ruling Equestria and we could have informed Star-Swirl about how outdated his ‘once a villain, always a villain’ attitude was.”

“I...wouldn’t consider it that outdated," the unicorn butted in, "But then again, I know what I’m doing is wrong and yet I do it anyway because it is necessary to bring order to an otherwise orderless universe. Plus, being convinced to abandon their cause is the reason why Starlight and Accord failed in their respective goals in the first place.”

“I don’t know what it was that caused you to be this way but-” Twilight said before being interrupted.

“This isn’t the way?” the unicorn interrupted Twilight, “I don’t have to do this? Some other cliched crap like that? Trust me, what I’m doing is the only way for Equestria to be the paradise it needs to be. But as unwise as it is, I will tell you why I decided to become Equestria’s dictator. And trust me when I say it isn’t some pathetic sob story about how me and a friend drifted apart because of our differences.”

The unicorn sat back down in his comfy chair, “Once upon a time, there was a wee lad named Tom…”

The night was pitch-black as Tom drunkenly staggered his way back home. Were it not for the bar brawl he bore witness to, he would have stuck around and hoped that one pint of beer would eventually be his last. Now he had to go back to his apartment and listen to the woman next door constantly telling her dog to shut up, even though for the two years he lived in that apartment, that dog never listened. She was about as moronic as some of the teachers in school. Actually, probably even more moronic because he assumed the teachers actually did have qualifications to teach while the lady next door was most likely unemployed.

He wasn’t always like this. He used to be a super-friendly guy that was voted “Most Likely To Succeed” in high school. He once considered being a politician before realizing he’d have to pick a side. And he hated picking sides, considering one side is usually no better than the other. Even those who call themselves good had their own flaws, in that they had nasty tempers and/or a penchant for insulting their enemies either in front of them or behind their backs. Whatever happened to turning the other cheek, he will never know.

Not even the ponies in his favourite show, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, was immune to this. Despite the show’s insistence on how friendship is magic, it had the basic good vs evil conflict where a majority of the villains cackled more often than not and usually explained their plans to the heroes or made serious errors in judgement that eventually caused their downfall. Wouldn’t be so bad if even the ones that had reformed had a penchant for doing all of those things as well, including those you were meant to sympathize with and rejoice when they turn over a new leaf. He understood that the show was made for little girls in a bid to sell toys but he wondered how the human race could survive another decade or so if they're being coddled at such a young age. He learned from experience that people can’t just be categorized into good or bad, especially since what’s right and wrong had long since been blurred even though it should have been clear from the get-go.

“Bah!” Tom exclaimed in his inebriated state, “It’s all bullshit!”

As he wandered about, a thought occurred to him. He needed to pee. Badly.

He looked around and saw a statue of a horse in front of a high school much like the one he used to go to. The lights in the building were off so he assumed the janitor had gone home. Believing there’s no possible way he’d wind up of the sex offender list for this, he pulled down his pants, whipped his pecker out, and took a deep relaxing piss under the statue.

“Ah,” Tom sighed in relief.

In his intoxicated state, Tom felt so relaxed, he toppled over and fell under the statue. As if he was in a dream, he was taken to the light.

A beautiful lie.

Author's Note

I can't believe I'm making another longfic even though I have plenty of other stories to get on with. :rainbowlaugh:

But, to be fair to myself, a funny story about a guy fed up with the bullshit of the world taking over Equestria with magic and knowledge does seem like something worth more than just one chapter.

BTW, rooting for Tom is entirely optional because, point or not, you got to admit he's an arse-hole. A funny arse-hole but an arse-hole nonetheless.

Magic 101

“Ow, my head.”

Tom struggled to get up from his latest hangover. He had absolutely no idea where he was nor was he sober enough to figure it out for himself. He looked down at himself and, through his blurred vision, he saw that he was more hairier than usual. Not only that but his body was a violet colour. He lifted up his arm and noticed that his hand was missing.

“What the hell?” Tom muttered to himself.

“Are you okay?” a familiar voice asked Tom.

Tom turned his head towards the door of the room and found a purple alicorn standing at the doorway. He could tell from the way her mane was styled and how she was shorter than the other princesses that it was none other than Twilight Sparkle. In spite of his inebriated state of mind, it did not take Tom long to realize that he was in Equestria and that he had turned into a pony.

Please be a unicorn, Tom thought to himself as he lifted his hooves up to touch his forehead, Please be a unicorn, please be a unicorn.

As Tom felt up his new head, he found a hard, bone-like thing that he hoped was a unicorn horn and not a compound elevated skull fracture from falling under the statue. Though, given the way the horn felt, he would most likely be dead or severely brain-damaged if it was a skull fracture.

“Never felt better,” Tom happily replied.

“That’s good to hear,” Twilight said, “And just between the two of us, I know how disorienting those portals can be the first time around.”

“True but it’sh worth it to escape the human world,” Tom casually slurred.

Twilight shot Tom a befuddled look, “Did you say you’re from the human world?”

“Yep,” Tom replied, “Where did you think I wash from?”

“Well, I kinda thought you were a pony like me considering most humans freak out when being turned into ponies,” Twilight replied.

“No, I think it’s jusht your human counterpart that doesh that,” Tom casually slurred as he got up, “Also, I’m a bit washted-faced.”

Tom collapsed onto the floor, a consequence of trying to control his new pony body while struggling through a hangover.

“You got a bucket?” Tom asked, “I think I’m gonna puke.”

After spending an hour bedridden due to his attempts at walking making him dizzy and causing him to vomit everywhere, even and especially after he had some breakfast served to him, Tom finally got out of the bed and gentilly stood on all four of his legs. Since that walking was going to be a huge pain in his ass, Tom decided to practice levitation magic. Specifically, practicing it on himself. After all, if a baby unicorn can levitate himself, why not him? He closed his eyes and concentrated his magic on lifting himself.

He immediately shat himself from concentrating too hard.

“Okay, that was embarrassing,” Tom said as he turned around to face the semi-solid mess he left on the floor, “Time to do what the witches and wizards of old did when they needed to relieve themselves.”

Hoping his next attempt at magic doesn’t result in another shitty mess on the floor, Tom focused on the puddle of shit and made it disappear with his magic. He knew he couldn’t just make things disappear since he was just a simple unicorn, he just picked a random place to teleport his shit. If it wound up in somepony’s mane, that would have been both the most disgusting and hilarious thing he ever saw.

Surprisingly, his attempt at cleaning up his own mess actually worked.

“Okay, what the fuck?” Tom asked himself as the shit vanished without a trace.

Knowing he could do teleportation magic, Tom decided to turn it up a notch. He pictured the Castle of Friendship’s library in his mind and focused on teleporting himself there. Surprisingly, he materialized smack dab in the centre and not in the middle of a bookshelf like he initially feared. Finding it weird that he could teleport himself but not lift himself, he tried using his magic to levitate in the air again. And if he messed up, he could always teleport the mess away.

In a surprising twist of events, and as if the author of this fic remembered he was supposed to be setting up a punchline, Tom effortlessly floated in the air.

“Okay, this is bullshit,” Tom said to himself, “There’s no way I would have mastered all of these spells that quickly! Unless...”

A disturbing thought occurred to Tom. There were two logical explanations as to why and how he managed to perfect his magical skills so easily and none of them were good. The first one was that he was a Gary Stu while the second one, which was more plausible, was that he was an overpowered bad-guy. Despite the second one making more sense than the first, he refused to entertain the possibility that he might be a bad-guy destined to be reformed because it was usually the most overpowered bad guys that turned over a new leaf and the ones that didn’t reform suffer a fate worse than death at the hands of the writers, which was having their smarts stripped away and being reduced to pathetic and easily-defeatable shells of their former selves.

“Nah, it's fine,” Tom reassured himself as he gently floated back down, “Just because I’m good at teleportation and levitation doesn’t mean I’m like a mini-Sombra or a gender-bent Starlight. I’m just overthinking things like I always do. Lots of unicorns are good at levitating and teleportation. Doesn’t mean they’re destined to be supervillains. Though it wouldn’t hurt to read up on something more complicated like a mind-control spell or two.”

Tom levitated a random book towards himself and flicked to a random page to see if he would randomly come across the Fiducia Compelus spell or something like that. Unsurprisingly, it worked. And on the next page was the Cogeria and Persuadere spells. While he did find it concerning that Twilight didn’t ban those spells after Starlight’s little mishap, he wasn’t surprised since this was the same Twilight that would have reformed Discord by force if he hadn’t eaten all of her reformation spells.

“How would a reforming spell even work?” Tom asked himself, “Meh, questions for later.”

Suddenly, Tom heard hoofsteps and turned around to find Starlight entering the library.

“Eek!” Tom squeaked as he accidentally blasted a bolt of magic at Starlight.

The room flashed a bright white after Tom’s little accident. After the second blinding light he had to deal with this week faded away, Tom noticed something was off about Starlight. She had a blank expression on her face and her irises had shrunk. It did not take long for Tom to realize he accidentally cast the mind-control spells on her.

“Uh...karma much?” Tom said before giggling nervously.

Author's Note

I bet a lot of you are now thinking "this is the titular totalitarian dictator?! You gotta be shitting me!" and...well...how familiar are you with character development and do you think it would be enough to turn a pathetic drunken loser into the ruler of Equestria? :twilightsmile:

The Dynamic Mind-Dominating Duo

Tom stared at the entranced Starlight. As the initial shock of dominating someone’s mind as easily as sneezing faded away, Tom couldn’t help but find this particular predicament to be very amusing. A former cult leader guilty of using both magical and mundane methods of mental domination now a puppet herself. Then again, Tom did watch The Beginning Of The End so it wasn’t all that surprising that Starlight would be under the enthral of somepony more powerful than her. Still, Tom was not going to let this opportunity go to waste.

“So…” Tom said awkwardly, “You wanna give me the grand tour of the castle? And I’d prefer it if you teleported us around because I haven’t quite got used to walking on four legs.”

“Sure,” Starlight replied monotonously.

And in a flash, Tom and Starlight were in a completely different room. The throne room, to be exact.

“This is the throne room of the Castle of Friendship,” Starlight emotionlessly exposited, “It’s where we go to discuss stuff and eat chocolate fondue.”

At the corner of his eye, Tom saw what appeared to be the Alicorn Amulet dangling around a big crystal.

“And what might that be?” Tom asked as he pointed at the amulet.

“That’s the Alicorn Amulet,” Starlight replied, “We were supposed to put it safe but, because there’s usually something going on every week or so, we never got around to it.”

After exactly five seconds of thought, Tom shrugged and levitated over the amulet. It felt tighter than he thought it would.

“Be honest, how do I look?” Tom asked as he flashed a pose.

“I don’t know,” Starlight answered honestly, “Fashion is usually Rarity’s expertise.”

Tom shrugged, “Fair enough. Now then, is there any chance we can cut this tour short and have a tour around...Canterlot? And once again, have us teleport around Canterlot while giving the tour.”

“Okay,” Starlight replied as she teleported herself and Tom to the Canterlot Theatre.

“This is the Canterlot Theatre,” Starlight exposited in the exact same emotionless tone as before, “It is currently showing a production of Springtime For Aryanne, a satirical masterpiece that serves to make fun of any ardent national socialists that would rather watch Canterlot freeze than make friends with the other pony races.”

A random audience member shushed at Starlight.

“Are we allowed to be in here?” Tom asked.

“Of course,” Starlight replied as she held up two tickets, “Trixie bought tickets for us to watch tonight. Apparently, she wanted to see if there were any national socialists in the audience so she could kick them.”

Tom gave Starlight a befuddled look. Since when was Trixie interested in kicking Nazis? If anything, she was more likely to kick rival magicians for robbing her of her narcissistic supply. But rather than let good tickets go to waste, Tom sat down and watched the show.

🎵Springtime for Aryanne and Ger-mane-y🎵

🎵Pferdesport is happy and gay🎵

🎵We're marching to a faster pace🎵

🎵Look out! Here comes the master race🎵

🎵Springtime for Aryanne and Ger-mane-y🎵

🎵The unicorn land's a fine land once more🎵

🎵Springtime for Aryanne and Ger-mane-y🎵

🎵Watch out, Equestria, we're going on tour🎵

🎵Springtime for Aryanne and Ger-mane-y🎵

🎵Winter for Ponyland and Prance🎵

🎵Springtime for Aryanne and Ger-mane-y🎵

🎵Come on Unicorns, go into your dance.🎵

While watching the play, Tom couldn’t help but be distracted by how much the pony that sung that song sounded suspiciously like John Barrowman. Though, considering the world of Equestria had the likes of a Q-impersonating draconequus and and a Weird-Al sounding pony that will eventually father Pinkie Pie’s kids, the idea of a pony that sounded exactly like Captain Jack Harkness didn’t sound that far-fetched. Suddenly, an Earth pony with a blonde mane and an empty toilet roll duck-taped to her head stormed into the theatre wielding what appeared to be an AK-47 assault rifle. Similar to how he wasn’t going to question why a random pony sounded like John Barrowman, Tom wasn’t even going to bother asking why there are guns in Equestria, let alone AK-47s.

“You have broken ze Siegfried oath!” the mare exclaimed, “You must die! YOU ALL MUST DIE!”

Despite the fact that she was physically incapable of pulling the trigger, she inexplicably managed to fire her gun in the air.

“What are you doing?!” one of the stage actors shouted, “The show’s currently a hit!”

“Who cares?!” the mare shouted, “You made a fool out of me!”

“You didn’t need our help,” two of the actors dryly replied.

In retaliation for that snarky comment, the mare fired at the actors. But she missed because all the actors immediately ran for their lives.

“STAND STILL!” the mare shouted, “HOW CAN I SHOOT YOU IF YOU KEEP MOVING!”

Deciding he had enough of the gun-toting Nazi pony, Tom focused on the mare, with a bright flash of magic, cast the Cogeria, Fiducia Compelus, and Persuadere spells on her. If he didn’t know any better, he would say he was getting the hang of this. While the ethics of his constant use of those spells were questionable at best, he wouldn’t be surprised if Starlight (if she wasn’t currently mind-controlled) or even Twilight would have done the same if they were in the same situation as he was. He would probably get a medal or some other type of reward for his service, especially since the pony he just enthralled was a Nazi and, despite his insistence on being neutral when it came to politics, he couldn’t deny that Nazis are near-universally loathed and the only people who would like Nazis are other Nazis.

“Problem solved,” Tom said confidently, “Who’s next?”

Author's Note

The road to Tartarus is paved with good intentions. And what could be a better intention for mind-controlling a Nazi than to stop her from shooting up a theatre? And because, you know, she's a Nazi.

BTW, if you're wondering why one of the actors in Springtime For Aryanne sounded like John Barrowman, it's because Barrowman had a minor role in the 2005 version of The Producers. Would link the clip but I had been informed not that long ago that depictions of swastikas have been banned (or so I've heard) so best to play it safe.

Speaking of which, I hope Springtime For Aryanne is different enough from Springtime For Hitler that it doesn't get me into trouble.

An Extremely Long Rant

Tom stood outside the throne room doors with the mind-controlled Starlight and Aryanne in tow. Considering how long he was waiting, he was thankful that he had the time to make a quick detour and purchase a cloak to cover up the amulet around his neck lest he wanted to be thrown in the dungeon with the Nazi pony he had subdued. After what felt like ages, the doors gently opened with a stallion wearing a turban and a pair of shades grumbling to himself. Tom shrugged and entered the throne room, where he witnessed Twilight rubbing her head as if she was having a migraine.

“What was all that about?” Tom asked Twilight.

“Just another visit from Ignoramus Enigma,” Twilight replied, “He used to write me question after question about when I’m going to change the future because he didn’t like some premonitions he had. Then he started pestering me about wiping Fluttershy and Discord’s memories because he didn’t like that they were an item and after I said no, he sent me a list of reasons why they really aren’t in love with each other. And now that I had banned him from every arts and crafts store in Equestria and burned every bit of paper in his house, he had the nerve to trot all the way over to Canterlot and ask for a position in the Royal Guard even though he doesn’t have the necessary qualifications due to being home-schooled!”

“And...what did he come over to ask for this time?” Tom asked cautiously in light of Twilight’s foul mood.

“To investigate Ahuizotl because he believed Ahuizotl was somehow lying when he was under the influence of the Truth Talisman,” Twilight replied, “Which is weird because it’s called the Truth Talisman for a reason.”

“Honestly, that last one is a legitimate concern,” Tom stated, “You never know. Ahuizotl might have found a way to cheat the Truth Talisman.”

“Maybe,” Twilight said, “But he’s taken up writing so, even if he was lying, there’s no need to investigate someone who’s reformed. Otherwise, I’d have surveillance on Discord twenty-four seven.”

“Even though he broke a couple of villains out of Tartarus?” Tom dryly asked, “Anyway, I would like to inform you that I have subdued the nefarious national socialist known as Aryanne.”

Tom turned around and gestured to the enthralled Aryanne to enter the throne room. As he looked back at Twilight, he noticed she had a bemused look on her face.

“Why does she look like she’s under the effects of the Cogeria, Fiducia Compelus, and Persuadere spells?” Twilight asked.

“Uh...because she is?” Tom sheepishly replied.

The expression on Twilight’s face did not change, which started to get on Tom’s nerves.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that!” Tom said irately, “Need I remind you that, before Discord reformed on his own terms, you were planning on reforming him by force? And the only reason you didn’t go through with it was because he ate all the reformation spells! Oh, and let’s not forget how you just so happen to have access to powerful mind-altering spells such as the Want-It, Need-It spell and the spells that I had cast on the Nazi that you are supposed to be prosecuting! Tell me, how often do you use the Want-It, Need-It spell? Especially considering you know that spell off the top of your head yet you needed to look up the reformation spells. Seriously, what the hell are you doing with spells like that?! Are those even legal?! Did anypony hit with the Elements reform on their own or did you have to nudge them while firing your rainbow laser at them?! It would make perfect sense because if anypony had a strong enough will to resist your tricks or is well-versed in mind-control magic themselves, they are either petrified or straight-up incinerated!”

Twilight was taken aback by Tom’s tirade, “Uh…”

“Ah, but if you were controlling everypony willy-nilly, how come Starlight was still causing problems even though she was under your tutelage?” Tom continued to ramble, “Simple. Because you didn’t use any magic on her. You allowed her to keep her free will. But that’s nothing new. Every now and then, a very naughty pony is spared. Because they smiled, because they got a nice cutie mark, because they begged for forgiveness. And that’s how you live with yourself. That’s how you can strip your enemies of their free will while telling yourself it’s for the greater good. That’s how you feel you have the right to give ponies hell for using the same spells you yourself have no problem casting. Because once in a while, on a whim and/or if the wind’s blowing in the right direction, you just so happen to be merciful.”

As Tom took a deep breath after his extremely long rant, he looked around and saw he was surrounded by royal guards. Perhaps it wasn’t a wise idea to accuse the ruler of Equestria of mentally dominating her enemies when no-one’s looking. But even though he was outnumbered, he was by no means outmatched. And with a quick flash, he bent everypony in the vicinity to his will...

Everypony except Twilight.

When the light dissipated, he saw Twilight had summoned a force-field around herself. It appeared that Twilight had learned to protect herself from being mind-controlled after the Accord and Cosmos incidences. While the smartest move would be to flee, Tom felt confident enough that he could take Twilight on by himself. In fact, he felt so confident that he believed he could actually take Twilight’s power for himself despite not knowing the magic absorption spell Tirek was well-versed in.

“Starlight!” Tom commanded, “Restrain her!”

Starlight complied and teleported into the room. With some assistance from Tom, she managed to break Twilight’s force-field and pin her to the wall. As tempting as it was to burst into maniacal laughter and inform Twilight about how the otherworldly power that gave Starlight a power boost and dumbed down those who didn’t want to be reformed was no longer on her side, Tom kept quiet and focused on absorbing Twilight’s magic. And given how much of a quick learner he was and how overpowered he was already, he took all of Twilight’s magic without even breaking a sweat. It felt good, as if he became a god among ponies.

Now the only thing left was to make everypony else see him as their god.

Author's Note

WARNING: WEARING A MAGICAL AMULET KNOWN FOR ITS CORRUPTING INFLUENCE CAN CAUSE ITS WEARER TO JUMP OFF THE SLIPPERY SLOPE OF SANITY!

BTW, the last part of Tom's rant is loosely based on this bit in the Doctor Who episode Boom Town (more specifically, at the 0:42 mark):

Honestly, the idea of Twilight subtly influencing the minds of her enemies and having them turn over a new leaf by force or dumbing them down when they refuse to reform would make for a good fanfiction in of itself.

Godmode Engaged

Tom hid behind a conveniently-placed bush outside of Fluttershy’s house. He peeped through the window and, to his good fortune, Discord was there and he was having tea with her. Good thing too because if Discord was literally anywhere else, Tom’s plan would have gone to shit and he would have been reduced to another villain that was so close to achieving his goals only to be undone by an unforeseeable event or serious error in judgement. When he saw the two of them laughing about something, most likely another funny anecdote regarding Discord’s antics or even an aristocrats joke, he saw this as the perfect opportunity to strike. Without hesitation, he teleported behind Discord and absorbed all of his chaos magic. Why Tirek even needed the Bewitching Bell when he was working with Cozy Glow and Chrysalis, Tom will never understand. Then again, Tirek wasn’t an overpowered unicorn like Tom was and, like the majority of unreformed villains (and even the one reformed villain) by the time of the show’s final season, he was afflicted with what Tom liked to call the Dastardly Dummy Disease.

Not gonna lie, Tom thought to himself, That was easier than I expected it.

Tom turned to face Fluttershy, who was frozen in fear from witnessing what happened to her friend and possible lover. Before she could even get the chance to scream and run away, Tom zapped her with the mind-control spells he had been spamming almost everypony with since he got here. And he zapped the weakened Discord with those spells too for good measure, which was surprisingly easier than he thought because he assumed Discord’s mind would be chaotic enough to resist getting controlled.

“Alright-y, then,” Tom said casually, “Are there any other individuals that might be a challenge to my rule? I already assumed control of Starlight Glimmer and absorbed Twilight’s power into myself.”

Before he could say any more, Tom realized he made one or two small boo-boos that might bite him in the ass later on.

“Crap, I forgot to mind-control Twilight,” Tom stated matter-of-factly, “And I forgot to smash every mirror that leads into another world and turn the quicksand into frozen ice. Guess that’s what happens when you’re on a power-high.”

“There’s also the matter of the retired princesses,” Discord said monotonously, “And Cadence and Flurry Heart.”

“I’ll get around to those soon,” Tom said before looking around to make sure nopony else is listening in on their conversation, “First, we find the Rainbow Power box and smash it to pieces and burn the pieces for good measure. Then we smash every Magic Mirror we can find, regardless if it gives us seven-plus years of bad luck. After that, we teleport to Silver Shoals and I take the princesses’ power for myself. And after that, we track down the Pillars of Equestria and...well, you get the idea. And if there’s time and I have bent everypony to my will, we will smash the Tree of Harmony into a gazillion pieces and then destroy those pieces for good measure so it doesn’t grow back again.”

“Shouldn’t destroying the Elements of Harmony be a top priority?” Discord asked.

“Given the existence of the Rainbow Power as well as Twilight and her friends not needing the actual elements to blast Sombra into oblivion and the majority of Equestrian civilization coming together to fire a big-ass rainbow laser at the bad guys, I think it’s safe to say that the Tree of Harmony and the Elements by extension are irrelevant,” Tom rapidly replied, “And there is more than one Tree of Harmony but the other tree is all the way in Farasi and, if I want to conquer that land, I need to conquer this one first.”

“But we only used the Rainbow Power once,” Fluttershy stated, “Why is that the first thing we need to do.”

“Because I am not taking any chances with that shit!” Tom exclaimed, “For all we know, it can be used more than once. And knowing the writers, they’d probably make it some sort of Swiss Army MacGuffin that could be used for whatever the plot demands because we all know that the only reason the good guys win is because their gods are on their side! Unless they manage to win through nothing but their wits.”

“I think you’ve gone mad with power,” Discord stated.

“One, madness and genius go hand-in-hand,” Tom retorted, “Two, have you ever tried going mad without power? It’s boring, no-one listens to you.”

After effortlessly destroying the box containing the Rainbow Power as well as every Magic Mirror that could act as a gateway to another world, Tom teleported to Silver Shoals and did exactly what he’d say he’d do.

“Surprise, motherfu-”

Before he could absorb one drop of the princesses’ magic, he was suddenly hit with a blast from an unknown source. The impact sent him hurtling into a big rock in the sand before leaving a massive crack in the rock and landing onto the coarse sand. As Tom got up, he saw the assailant and it was none other than Star-Swirl the Bearded, accompanied by the other Pillars.

“Your reign of terror ends no-AAAAAAAAHHHHHOOOWWWWW!!!!!” Star-Swirl exclaimed as Tom conjured a hand made of sand that pulled down on Star-Swirl’s stupid beard.

As the other Pillars were shocked by Star-Swirl’s sudden and very painful incapacitation, they failed to notice the portals that were suddenly conjured beneath them. Predictably, gravity did its thing and the other Pillars fell into another dimension. As unwise as it was, Tom felt an insatiable urge to give Star-Swirl a good talking to after all the crap he pulled in the series. So when Celestia and Luna entered the fray, Tom conjured a portal that sucked them up into another dimension.

“Let’s make one thing very clear, Pony Dumbledore,” Tom said as he trotted over to the captive wizard, “Just because you saved Equestria a few times, it doesn’t mean you can use Earth as your own personal trash can. I lost a few nights of sleep after watching Man of Steel because I was worried two guys might duke it out one day for the fate of the world, ignoring that normal civilians like me were collateral damage in their fight! So trust me when I say my people didn’t need to deal with sirens, memory stones, time-twirlers, and any other magical crap and yet we did anyway! Got it?!”

Star-Swirl sheepishly nodded.

“Good,” Tom said politely.

And with a flash, he mind-controlled Star-Swirl and released him from his sandy grasp. After that, he opened up a portal that brought back the princesses and the other Pillars. They landed painfully on their flanks.

“I have been falling FOR THIRTY MINUTES!” Luna exclaimed.

Oh, please,” Tom said casually, “It felt more like thirty seconds.”

Author's Note

Perhaps I should change the description from "competent evil overlord" to "competent evil overlord that is OP as shit but is smart enough to know how to use his OP-ness to foil his enemies and not get shot by rainbow lasers or make any mistakes except maybe forgetting to mind-control one or two ponies and even then, he was in a rush and he stole their magic anyway so, logically speaking, they shouldn't be a threat to him."

Nah. That's too long. :derpytongue2:

Speaking of evil overlords, this is why No. 35 of the Evil Overlord List exists. The fact that good guys, especially elderly magicians, can grow beards too make it even more of an important rule to follow for any budding evil overlords. :twilightsmile:

The (Incredibly-Short) Siege Of The Crystal Empire

After a long trek back to Canterlot, mind-controlling everypony that came his way as he did so, Tom rested in front of the petrified trio of villains that all of Equestria had a hand in defeating. He could have just teleported to his destination but he needed to build up an army just in case dominating the minds of any remaining rulers of the different parts of Equestria proved to be difficult. Using Discord’s power, he zapped the Cozy Glow statue and watched as it slowly turned back into a living, breathing pony. Cozy fell to the floor and quickly gasped for air, as any little child would do when turned to stone without trial and most likely being conscious during their tenure as a living statue.

“I’m free!” Cozy happily exclaimed as she flew off from the ground.

“Not you’re not,” Tom bluntly stated before zapping Cozy with the assortment of mind-control spells he spammed a good portion of Equestria’s population with.

As Cozy hovered above the ground, Tom summoned a large spire beneath them that stretched all the way to the clouds, but not towards Cloudsdale because Tom hadn’t conquered that part of Equestria yet.

“You’re a child prodigy/evil genius, right?” Tom asked the enthralled Cozy.

“Yes,” Cozy responded monotonously.

“Let me know if there are any evil flaws in this plan,” Tom commanded, “I intend on travelling all of Equestria by hoof, bending everypony to my will as I do so. I shall start with Canterlot, then work my way down to Ponyville, then go through every town and city in Equestria before seizing the Crystal Empire with my army. After I had succeeded in taking over everypony in the Crystal Empire, I shall move onward to Yakyakistan and then teleport myself and my army to Griffonstone and take over every griffon there and then teleport to the Dragon Lands and take over the dragons there. And then I create massive air bubbles that asphyxiate the hippogriffs in their seapony forms because Seaquestria is going to be a nightmare to conquer since none of us can breathe underwater.”

“And then?” Cozy asked.

“And then I can sit back with a good book and rest for a bit before setting my sights on Farasi and maybe where the centaurs live,” Tom replied.

“I noticed some flaws,” Cozy stated.

“Do tell,” Tom casually ordered.

“We’re not that far from Cloudsdale,” Cozy explained, “Shouldn’t we start there then go to Canterlot?”

“Good idea,” Tom replied.

“Also, what about the School of Friendship?” Cozy asked.

“Twilight has probably bordered herself in there by now and warned the students there and some of her friends of my conquest,” Tom replied, “But I already depowered her, mind-controlled Fluttershy, and smashed the Rainbow Power box into a gazillion pieces and burned the pieces for good measure so trust me when I say she isn’t a threat.”

“But what about her students?” Cozy asked, “I’m pretty sure six of them are capable of wielding the Elements.”

“Yeah, it has recently occurred to me that the Young Six might be a problem,” Tom replied, “But if I can defeat the Pillars of Equestria by pulling on Star-Swirl’s beard, I’m sure I can defeat the Young Six by encasing them in a big block of ice the moment I lay eyes on them. Anything else of note?”

“Nope,” Cozy replied, “Can’t seem to find any more flaws in your nefarious plan.”

Tom marched into the Crystal Empire with his army of mentally-dominated ponies in tow. He felt like King Sombra in The Beginning of the End, though he hoped to not repeat his mistakes nor to make any major oversights that will bite him in the ass later on. Though, to be fair to Sombra, there was a good chance that Discord’s resurrection of him did leave him without a few brain cells. This was Discord, after all. It wouldn’t have been out of character for him to rewrite Sombra’s personality into that of a cartoonish supervillain, even if that supervillain came pretty close to winning.

Suddenly, a pair of royal guards charged at Tom on one side and another pair charged at him on the other. With a blast of magic and a big black crystal summon beneath him, Tom knocked the guards onto their flanks and added them to his ever-growing army. As he and his army reached the castle, he smiled.

“Who wants to bet they left Flurry Heart on her own again?” Tom asked.

Having wasted enough time already with quips and informing his enthralled allies of his plans, Tom teleported into Flurry Heart’s room and zapped her with the mind-control spells. Even though he was in a rush to conquer Equestria before anypony that still had their free will could formulate a plan to stop him, Tom waited for Cadence and Shining Armor to barge into the room. And when they inevitably did, Tom did his thing and made them a part of his collective. Unlike with Twilight, neither Cadence nor Shining Armor had the chance or time to defend themselves from Tom’s mind-bending ways. If Tom didn’t know any better, he would say he was getting good at this.

“Ever get that feeling of deja vu?” Tom quipped.

Author's Note

When I said it was incredibly short, I was not kidding. I literally typed this entire chapter out today and would have made it longer were it not for the fact that I was busy with other stuff. :twilightsmile:

We Have So Many Questions

“And then I conquered the rest of Equestria and turned the Young Six into a big popsicle,” Tom stately rather chuffly, “The end.”

The princesses stared at the unicorn overlord, gobsmacked by how easily Tom took over the majority of Equestria’s population with nothing but his wits, a few mind-control spells, and surprisingly effective use of Discord’s magic. It was as if he knew where Tirek, Discord and even King Sombra went right but was smart enough to not repeat their mistakes nor to underestimate potential developments that would have otherwise blindsided him. They were also horrified by his ruthlessness and willingness to destroy his enemies without hesitation, even though he could have bent them to his will just as he did everypony else. But despite the odds being against them, they still had one ace in the hole. And knowing Tom’s ego was exacerbated by the Alicorn Amulet’s influence, they knew it wouldn't be long until Tom was defeated like every other opponent they faced. And Tom needed to be defeated because not even Trixie went as far as to kill anypony when she was under the Amulet’s influence.

“You said you destroyed the Elements of Harmony even though you have most of the element bearers under your spell,” Celestia said inquisitively, “Tell me, what are you going to do about the Plunderseeds and, by extension, the Everfree Forest?”

Tom scoffed, “Isn’t it obvious? I’m gonna give the ponies with the right talents jobs in containing the resulting overgrowth, starting with your mentor.”

“But what of the wildlife?” Luna asked.

“Like everypony in the land, except you three because I was in a hurry, I assimilated them,” Tom casually replied.

“To continue off of Celestia’s question, why did you destroy the Elements of Harmony?” Twilight asked “You already mind-controlled one of my friends and then moved on to the rest of them. Doesn’t that seem kinda overkill?”

“Not really because a group of individuals that possess all the necessary qualities to wield the Elements and Rainbow Power might become a threat to me and, if fortune favours them, they might resist my efforts at controlling them just like you did,” Tom replied.

“Is that why you froze my students today?” Twilight asked.

“Yes,” Tom bluntly stated, “But if you’re worried that I might have killed them, I can assure you it’s the cartoony non-lethal freezing so the worst they’d have to deal with once I eventually free them is a common cold. I may be an evil overlord but I’m not pure evil. Just a necessary one.”

“You murdered an entire race just because you can’t be bothered to claim their territory!” Luna exclaimed, “And in a slow and painful manner, no less! How is the extinction of an entire race necessary?!”

“Okay, maybe I went a bit too far with killing all the seaponies,” Tom said casually, “But it makes it easier for me to check on my subjects so it’s not really that bad. Besides, I can’t have turned the sea into unmeltable ice or into a big pile of sand. Everypony would die of thirst if I did that. So what’s a small sacrifice in the name of order?”

“I’d hardly consider enslaving everypony to your will to be harmonious,” Luna stated.

“Did I say harmony?” Tom asked rhetorically, “No. I said order. They are very different things. And as you can see, I have brought peace, justice, and security to my new empire!”

Luna raised an eyebrow, “Your new empire?”

“Yes,” Tom replied, “I shall call it the Equestrian Mental Unification. And since I have been rambling for too long and, for all I know, an alien invasion might have started in my distracted state, I’m gonna do what I should have done when I absorbed all of your magic.”

Before Tom could have the chance to enthrall the three alicorns before him, Sunset Shimmer and the Humane Six burst through the cottage door in spectacular fashion. Being very much aware that destroying the entrances to the human world should have been one of the first things he did in his conquest, Tom counted on their arrival and was more than ready to rectify this little error of his.

“Aw, yeah!” the alternate Rainbow exclaimed, “The cavalry has arri-”

“Nope,” Tom stated as he zapped them with the-oh, you get the idea.

The three princesses stared in shock at how easily Tom dealt with the alternate element bearers, something that Tom picked up on almost immediately.

“What did you expect?” Tom asked with a shrug, “It’s not like I couldn’t see with my own two eyes that they were not corrupted nor controlled in any way and therefore sit on my throne and expect them to fail in their attempts at turning me into stone. Also, need I remind you that I enthralled this world’s element bearer’s before they had the chance to blast me with a rainbow laser as well?!”

After another rant, Tom calmly breathed in then out and proceeded to rob the princesses of their free will. Deciding he needed to be prepared for his invasion of Farasi, he sat back down and continued reading the list of things an evil overlord should and should not do.

“Number 36,” Tom muttered to himself as he read the list, “I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.”

Author's Note

And that's the story of Tom. :twilightsmile:

Would have made it longer but, after a while, it would just be the same thing over and over. Tom invades place then controls its denizens. Then again, maybe I should have shown him murdering all of the seaponies rather than saying it happened. Though, if I did that, it would have resulted in the story going down a seriously dark path. :twilightoops: