Twilight was sitting in her favorite spot in her library, with her favorite fun-reading book in her hooves and with a steaming cup of hot cocoa with a single marshmallow in it, just as the recipe said hot cocoa should be done.
For all purposes and by any logical stretch, she should be in bliss; this was the perfect way to relax and calm down, enjoying herself. By any mathematical conclusion, she should be happy and her mind calm.
Yet it was not so, her distracted, a small frown on her lips and her mind wandering to one specific creature, one close to her, perhaps more intimate than most, her most loyal and hard-working assistant, Spike.
The last few days, he had seemed off and distracted with his work, not holding up to his usual standard of quality, always mind elsewhere and not in his everyday mood, he wasn’t even giving his usual amusing snark that she so secretly loved about him.
His distracted behavior wouldn’t be a big problem for her at any other time, but the last two weeks had been rough for her and Equestria as a whole.
She shuddered to still think about it; flashes of bad memories passed through her of her journey to the south of Equestria, of her and her friends barely escaped the ever purposing and skilled Tempest in her hunt for the last alicorn standing, Twilight herself.
She grimaced at the memory of her blowing up at her friends. While she had been stressed and her friends hadn’t helped with their casual behavior, it was still not deserved and certainly didn’t help the situation.
She gulped at the many close calls with defeat and even potential death she and her friends had made, of the dangers they faced and escaped and was glad everything went as smoothly as it had done, none of her loved harmed. Only some trauma to go through, and some repairs made to fix the destruction the storm-army caused around Equestria, especially in Canterlot.
By now, everypony had recovered and was back at their hooves and doing their usual business, Applejack still farming her apples, Rarity making clothes, Rainbow flying, and Pinkie up to her usual party shenanigans. Even Fluttershy, the most fearful of them all, had gone back to her old schedule, caring for animals as always with love and attention.
Yet Spike was seemingly stuck in a funk that had kept going since that dreaded invasion, and Twilight was getting worried for her beloved little friend as he was usually strong-minded and able to come back from dangers without lingering fears or worries.
She inhaled gently and took a gentle sip from the cocoa as she kept considering her options. After the first week, she had tried to reach out to him at first, giving him a bit of time, thinking it was just him being tired of all the aid he had given or worry about his friends and fellow ponies.
Yet Twilight trying to reach out to Spike was met with a small nervous look and a fake smile, one she knew by heart.
She had tried to ask if something was wrong or if he wanted to talk, but he had denied anything wrong at all, excusing himself just tired from his hard work with everything. While she had known it was not the full truth, she had not pushed at the time, something she lightly regretted but also knew forcing the issue was possibly a more significant mistake at the time.
By now, another week had passed, and the problem had not grown worse by much. Twilight had noticed Spike stayed more secluded than usual, lesser visits to Rarity, less being around in town, and staying inside the castle more. Spike was also more silent than usual during this time and less likely to make his wisecracks and small, snappy comments that made her either amused or annoyed depending on the situation. She honestly missed both equally.
‘Enough,’ she mentally decided, needing answers and wanting her old assistant back, she closed her book and was about to stand before suddenly a voice cut her off
“Twilight?” the young voice of Spike came from the entrance to the library, “Are you in here?” he sounded hesitant and nervous.
“Spike? Yeah, I’m here.” She replied curiously, it been some time since he sought her out of his own free will.
He soon stepped around a shelf and looked at her, small fists grasping the edge of his tail firmly, a classic thing he did whenever he was very nervously and was unsure of something.
She gave him a soft smile, trying to appear welcoming and warming so he wouldn’t lose his cool, as she said, “you want to talk…?” with a questioning tone.
He gulped, wringing his tail a bit, and inhaled, before nodding, “y-Yes…” his voice soft and nervous.
She smiled gently before moving to open a wing to give him space to sit, which he did, moving to sit next to her near as she moved her wing down over his back and pulled him gently closer, making him gulp and close his eyes tightly.
She wanted so badly to comfort him, to ask what was wrong, to cuddle him close and protect him. Still, she knew he was gathering up the courage to speak, to voice his mind, and to break past the self-made barrier he had, so she let him sit and stay close, him squeezing his tail a bit at times and inhaling before he suddenly blurted out with tightly shut eyes.
“D-Do you think I am a bad dragon?”
She blinked in surprise, not having expected that, as she said, “Of course not, Spike! Is this about you being different from other dragons, because you know I don’t mi-“she was interruption as he shook his head and replied.
“N-No, I don’t mean bad dragon, like bad at being a dragon… I-I mean, am I a morally bad dragon?” with a nervous voice, a child pleading for an answer.
Her eyes widened a bit, and she scooped him into a hug, “Oh Spike, of course not! You are a kind, hard-working dragon! The best dragon I know! Why would you even think so?”
He fidgeted again, gulping as she frowned worriedly and asked gently. “Spike? Did something happen?”
He nodded ever so gently, looking away from her as she let him gather his courage once more and soon he spoke out, “Y-You remember during the t-thing two weeks ago? W-when you were captured in Canterlot by Tempest, and we all came to save you with Capper?”
She gave a small smile and nodded, “indeed. It was quite brave of you all to come for me, even after what I said, and even braver to sneak past the Storm-Guards in Canterlot.”
“Y-Yeah…” he responded reluctantly, “well… you remember how we had to fight a bit through them?”
She blinked before nodding. “Oh yeah, there were some signs of combat during clean-up, and I did hear fighting from inside the castle. But you were all unharmed from what I saw?” getting worried, “were you harmed?”
“No, no, I was fine, Twilight.” He answered quickly, as she sighed in relief before she furrowed her brow a bit in worry that persisted.
“then what is wrong…?”
“I-I… I can’t!” he cried out suddenly, trying to move away, tears in his eyes, but Twilight was faster, moving to hug him close even as he tried to wriggle free, tears falling from his eyes.
“S-Spike! Please tell me! I am sure we can figure out something and fix whatever is wrong!” she exclaimed, trying to keep the young dragon calm, but he suddenly turned and yelled, tears spilling.
“H-HOW CAN YOU FIX ME KILLING LIVING CREATURES!” before breaking down into sobs, clinging to her tightly.
Twilight tensed, feeling her throat run dry in shock; her eyes widened as she held Spike firmly to her, letting him sob as her mind progressed his words.
“K-Killing?” she repeated weakly.
“Y-Yes.” He sobbed out harder, pressing his face to her fur as tears stained her coat, “W-When we arrived a-at the castle court-yard, t-there were so many guards, s-so Capper a-asked me if I wasn’t a fire breathing dragon and I-I… I just began to breathe fire at them, Twilight! I-I burned them! I saw them fall over in flames! I KILLED THEM!” sobbing even harder if possible, as she gulped, tears forming in her own eyes as she held her beloved assistant. “I-I am a murderer!”
“No, Spike.” She said firmly, as he blinked and looked up at her, eyes puffy and red with grief and guilt, “You are not a murderer. These creatures were attacking Canterlot and Equestria. It was an act of war.” Part of her defaulting to logic in this situation, given the heavy subject and the deep emotional complications, but part of her also trying to convince both him and herself that what he did was morally right.
In addition, she also promised herself to have a rather lengthy discussion with Capper and what kind of mindset he had in terms of what was ok for children to do.
“b-besides I am sure it was just an act of necessity, not like you wanted to or anything.” She gave a weak comforting grin, only to look worried as he flinched hard and gave a whimper in guilt.
“That’s just it… I-I… I wanted to do it. I wanted to see them in pain for what they did to you and the princesses, and…” he let out a sob, hugging her tightly, “I-I enjoyed causing them pain! I-I am an awful creature! I-I don’t wanna be evil!”
“Oh, Spike.” She said with sympathy, feeling her heart go out to him as she hugged him close, letting him cry against her as she felt tears form in her own eyes, hating seeing Spike like this, so devastated and in emotional pain.
“you are not evil and never could be.” She reassured him softly, “you are among the kindest and most hard-working friends I ever had, always putting yourself out there to help others even at your own expense. You are just a kid that was in a situation that was unfair to you.”
“b-but I enjoyed it!” he protested in guilt, “G-Good guys aren’t supposed to enjoy hurting others…”
She gave a soft smile and kept him in a hug, as she said, “Spike, it never is that simple, sometimes we get hurt by others and want to see them hurt in return, that is how emotions are at times… the fact that you feel guilt for those emotions makes you a good dragon. As Fluttershy would say, you are not a bad dragon; you just made a bad decision.”
“R-Really? But… I killed…” Spike questioned, looking unsure and guilty, fidgeting a bit nervously and shamefully.
She sighed and thought for a moment, trying to find the right words, before she gave him a small comforting smile, “Spike… can I tell you a little secret?”
He blinked, confused, tears stopping as he nodded, curious to where she was going.
She smiled and said, “Remember when Tirek destroyed our old home, the library?” he nodded again, a small frown at the reminder, “When he did that when I saw all our stuff, our home, our memories, in flames and scattered all over the area, I became angry… VERY angry. At the time, I wanted to hurt him as well, Spike; I wanted to inflict pain on him and make him suffer just as much as he had made everypony else suffer for his greed. Am I a bad pony for wanting that?”
“O-Of course not!” he cried out, “you are awesome and amazing, and you just wanted to protect Equestria! P-Plus, you didn’t kill him…” he muttered dejectedly, lowering his eyes to the floor in a new wave of guilt.
“No, I didn’t.” she acknowledged gently to him, “But the point is that desire to hurt someone does not make somepony bad, but rather how they deal with that desire afterward, and our situations were different as well. If… you hadn’t done what you did, the whole thing might have failed, and the Storm King won.”
“You really think so?” he questioned in a small uncertain tone.
“I do, Spike.” She said with a small smile, “Besides, just like you said… you only desired to protect Equestria and save me. It was just the actions taken that were more extreme.”
He frowned and looked down before he sighed, “Then why do I still feel awful…?”
She sighed as well, “Because you are a good dragon.” With a soft smile, “And us good creatures, we feel bad when we hurt others, even if those others may deserve it.”
“You think it will ever not feel bad…?” he asked, a pleading tone in his voice, eyes begging for any relief from his guilt. Twilight felt her stomach drop a bit, knowing she could not answer that to his satisfaction.
“I… don’t know Spike,” she answered honestly, “But even if it doesn’t, I still love you all the same and will never think worse of you. You did what you did for those you love, and that makes it better than if you did it for a malicious reason.”
Spike looked up at her, tears in his eyes, “Y-you don’t think I am bad for what I did…?”
“Never.” She said gently, nuzzling him, “While I dearly wish it had never been so bad you would be forced into such a situation, I can never hate you, Spike.”
He blinked before giving a watery smile, eyes slightly red from previous tears but them slowing down, as he hugged her closely, muttering, “T-Thanks, Twilight.” He grimaced and muttered, “C-Can I sleep in your room tonight…?”
She blinked before giving a soft smile and nodded, “Of course.” Her wings around him softly and holding him close.
While Spike was far from over this, something she knew from experience with the young dragon, and he might never get past this fully, it was on the right track, and hopefully someday, he might learn to give himself.
But for now, she could do her best to help him, closely holding him and just providing him the comfort he so dearly needed, for Spike to know that he was still loved by Twilight, despite his actions that weighed heavily on his mind.
