The Sky Is a Lady and She Is Gay: A RariTwi Exquisite Corpse

by SigmasonicX

Rating: teen
Tags: Rarity, Twilight Velvet, Adventure, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Romance, Comedy
Length: 13760

It all starts at a pirate coffee shop...

It all starts at a pirate coffee shop...

An exquisite corpse is a form of collaborative art where each participant only knows about part of the whole work, and must complete their part with limited context. In this case, each writer only had access to the previous chapter, resulting in the story getting confused, yet still moving forward undeterred. The exception is me having full context when helping out the others, and Nonchalant writing two chapters here and thus having a bit more context.

Participating writers were me, Posh, Nonchalant, Seigneur / Tache bleue, TGM, kits, Cynewulf, and trAce.

Published 2021-02-14 18:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-02-14 18:50:00 UTC

1. It started normally... kind of (SigmasonicX)

Captain Twilight Sparkle of the Sundowner Fleet sighed, stretched her arms up, then disembarked her airship as her crewmates tied it to the dock. A gust blew her long purple hair back, and with a white-gloved hand, she adjusted her wide-brimmed captain’s hat, then looked ahead.

Among the warring pirate factions of the Equestrian skies, there was one place of true neutrality, and it was the dirtiest, most corrupt place known to man: Klugetown. Feared by all honest citizens as the place to go if you want your clothes taken straight off your back before you reach the town’s border, it is nonetheless the safest place for a buccaneer to relax, find a crew, and plan their next adventure.

Unfortunately for Twilight, none of those were the reason why she was there.

She walked to a building that stood out from the rest, if only from the effort put into keeping the outside clean—certainly not an easy task in that dusty town. Clear windows showed the inside of what at first resembled a pub, but featured what could only be called a cozy and family-friendly atmosphere. Not that the customers reflected this, with their eyepatches, daggers, and pistols, but there was only so much one could do there.

The store was called Carousel Coffee, as depicted by a colorful logo above the door. In the Equestrian mainland, coffee was rare and exotic, so the idea of opening a shop just to serve it was close to incomprehensible. However, in Klugetown, coffee, sugar, cinnamon, and all kinds of other expensive commodities flowed freely. While simple proximity to the places they were produced certainly influenced this, no shop here got all of their wares legitimately.

Twilight took a breath. There was still some time before her appointment, but waiting out here wouldn’t delay it more. The bell rang as she opened the door, and several seedy figures looked up at her from their sweetened coffee drinks and scones.

“Hello, and welcome to Carousel Coffee!”

Sticking out from the crowd was the woman behind the counter. Twilight knew she was straight, but she couldn’t help but note her gorgeous curly purple hair and striking blue eyes. She never failed to note those ever since her first visit to the cafe, and her subsequent visits that she completely coincidentally timed to be during her shifts.

The woman put her hands together. “Oh my, if it isn’t Captain Twilight Sparkle, my dearest customer.”

Twilight smiled at the compliment as she walked to the counter and sat at a stool. “Hi Rarity!” she said more eagerly than she intended. “The usual, please.”

Rarity leaned on the counter. “A medium latte again? Darling, I would have expected a dangerous pirate to be more daring.” She motioned her head to her right. “Take that customer.”

A pirate with wild pink hair banged on the counter, startling the other cashier, a woman with short blue hair—a Miss Coco Pommel, as Twilight recalled. The pirate screamed, “I want a frappuccino with jelly beans of every flavor, whipped cream, caramel, and cotton candy, and I better be able to float a chocolate chip cookie on top, because I got those, sister!”

Coco nodded with wide eyes and gritted teeth and got to work.

Twilight shook her head and slid some copper coins. “I think I’ll pass. Plus, I expect to be here for longer than usual.”

Rarity took the coins and quickly got to work. “Oh? Did you have a stressful voyage? A chance encounter with the famous fashionable masked pirate hunter Radiance, perhaps? And now you feel the need to talk to the cutest girl you know for some comfort.”

The pirate captain blushed. “Well, I, you know, the voyage was kind of rough, but, I mean, it wasn’t that bad, I didn’t need to, for that, to talk about that to you, and, well, it’s something else.”

Rarity seemed unperturbed by whatever just poured from Twilight’s mouth and gave an easy smirk that Twilight would have found sexy if she wasn’t straight. “And what might that something else be?”

Unfortunately for Twilight, her mouth hadn’t stopped spewing. “I’m meeting my mom here!” She covered her mouth, but relaxed upon realizing that would have been obvious to Rarity once her mom arrived anyway.

Having finished steaming the milk, Rarity moved on to preparing the espresso. “Oh my, how interesting! Captain Twilight Sparkle’s mother. Though I sense some unease from you about this. I suppose it is true that all pirates have mommy issues.”

Twilight blushed again, though this time in offense. “What, no, that’s not true. My mom is actually quite supportive of me being a pirate, in fact. The issue is more that…” She hugged her arms. “... My mom has been bothering me for a while about getting a boyfriend, and I just know she’ll bring it up today.”

Rarity gasped as she pressed the coffee. “How scandalous! You’re telling me that the Dread Pirate Sparkle doesn’t already have a special someone?”

Twilight frowned. “Well, I mean, I’ve been busy. Attacking royal caravans, evading the pirate hunter, all that. Not much room for romance.”

Rarity looked into her eyes. “But Captain Sugar Belle has a special someone. Heavens, even Mudbriar of all captains has a girlfriend.”

“Well, it’s different for me.” Twilight sighed. “Look, I’ll be talking about all this with my mom anyway, so I’d rather not…”

Rarity nodded. “My apologies. It’s completely up to you to determine when you’re ready for romance.”

“Yeah.” Twilight said. “If only there was some way to get her off my back. Like, I don’t know, you pretending to be my girlfriend.”

Rarity blinked.

Twilight realized what she just suggested and quickly added, “I’m kidding! Just a joke! Besides, it wouldn’t work, because I’m straight.” The overly precise part of her mind chose now of all times to act up, and she added, “As far as I know.”

The barista hummed as she poured steamed milk over the prepared espresso and presented the cup to Twilight. “Well, pretending shouldn’t be an issue, since I’m straight too.” She winked. “As far as you know.”

Her face turning red, the pirate captain accepted the drink.

Rarity served another customer as Twilight sipped her latte in peace. Or as much peace was allowed in a pirate town, as a fight over cards broke out and quickly died down behind her, and her pink-haired seat neighbor loudly nommed through a drink that would have surely killed anyone else.

As the fated time approached, Rarity leaned over and tapped the pink-haired pirate’s shoulder. “Pinkie, time for a shift change.”

The woman, Pinkie, saluted and said, “Okie dokie!” She swallowed the rest of her calorie bomb, and with uncanny speed, she leapt into a side room, then came out in Carousel Coffee uniform.

“You’re leaving?” Twilight asked Rarity. “I was hoping you’d still be here when my mom came.”

Rarity smiled as she walked toward the side room. “Alas, I have better things to do with my time than keep serving coffee. But don’t worry, I think you talking to your mother will be more pleasant than you expect.”

The other barista, Coco, went into the room too. She soon came out in a pirate’s clothing, holding a large knife between her teeth. A new barista, a lovely but fragile-looking girl with long pink hair, took her place. Twilight ordered another latte from Pinkie, and noted that Rarity still hadn’t left the side room.

The door rang and Twilight turned to see a woman with purple and white hair and civilian clothes waving at her. “Twily! It’s so good to see you!”

Twilight smiled. “Hi Mom!”

Her mother, Twilight Velvet sat down next to her, unheeding of the pirates around her sizing up her robbability. They hugged, and Velvet said, “How has the pirating world been treating you?”

Before Twilight could respond, her mother said, “Oh, but first, I should probably lead with the fact that I found the perfect man for you!”

Twilight forced a smile. So she went there already. “Oh. Interesting.” She leaned over to look behind her. “Is that him there?”

Velvet hummed in confusion, then looked back at the bruised and beaten man she was holding in a telekinetic grasp. “Oh, him. Nah, this is just someone who tried to mug me. I forgot he was there.” She released her magic and he fell to the ground in a heap. The other pirates turned away and whistled, pretending the thought of mugging her never crossed their minds. “The man I’m talking about is waiting just outside, actually. Do you want me to bring him in?”

Twilight frowned. “Mom, I didn’t ask you to do this!”

Velvet waved her hand. “Oh, but just give him a chance, Twily.”

The pirate captain gritted her teeth. Couldn’t someone save her from all this?

“Sorry I’m late, dearest.”

Rarity stood at the side door, having changed into a gorgeous red dress and adjusted her makeup. Twilight thought she looked great just as a barista, but she was absolutely dazzling now, and her mouth hung open.

She approached Twilight Velvet and extended her hand. “You must be Twilight’s mother. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Rarity.” She gave a sly smile. “Twilight’s girlfriend.”

2. The Sky Is A Lady And She Is Gay (Posh)

Twilight Velvet's face remained carefully neutral as she stared at Rarity. Her eyes traveled up and down, from the top of Rarity's perfectly coiffed, coiled 'do, to the pointed heels of her red stilettos.

"Twilight's girlfriend, huh?" Her lips twisted downward in disapproval. "Mm, nope. Not buying it."

Rarity's eyelid twitched, the first chink Twilight had ever seen in her armor of perfect composure.

"Beg your pardon?"

"We'll put a pin in that request." The older woman's eyes twinkled with some private joke. "But as to what you're really asking... I'm not saying that my daughter couldn't land someone like you, miss, were she so inclined."

"Mom––"

"But I don't think she would spring such a surprise on me out of the clear blue sky – pun intended." Velvet winked at Twilight. "She would want to make arrangements for proper introductions between her hypothetical ladyfriend and myself, and she would do everything in her power to make such introductions as smooth, and comfortable, as a well-shaven––"

"Mom!"

"Underarm, dear. Underarm. Honestly, your generation is so vulgar." Velvet shook her head with distaste. She turned her attention back to Rarity, who was hiding a smirk behind her hand, and trying to disguise a chuckle as a cough.

"But back to the issue at hand," said Velvet. "I understand what you're trying to do here, miss. My daughter expects me to set her up with someone today – guilty, as charged – and she no doubt confided that in you. You're trying to spare her the awkwardness of dealing with a boy that I'm foisting on her, and I commend you for it. But – and please, take this as constructive criticism from an old pro – your ruse is painfully transparent."

Rarity's eyelids widened, briefly, before fluttering back into a proper bedroom expression. "Twilight and I have been seeing one another exclusively for some time now," she said, confidence and poise ringing in her voice once more. "Our relationship is no ruse. I'm sure I speak for the both of us when I say that we take it very seriously."

Velvet smirked, and tented her fingers on the table. "Then you've simply decided to introduce yourself to me in the manner most likely to publicly embarrass my daughter. And in front of her fellow sky-pirates and aerial ruffians, no less," she added, throwing a pointed look to the other patrons.

Rarity proceeded without skipping a beat. "Twilight and I mutually agreed that introducing you and I this way would be easiest on all parties involved." She fluttered her bedroom eyes at Twilight. "'Like ripping off a bandage,' darling. That was how you characterized it last night, correct?"

Twilight tried to respond, but only managed a thick, mumbled "snuhmuh-muhmnum."

Velvet gave Twilight's hand a quick, maternal pat. "That's simply not how my daughter thinks, or operates, miss. In all things, she is careful, meticulous, and considerate."

"Perhaps I know a thing or two about your daughter that you do not."

Velvet's eyebrows arched. She glanced between Rarity and Twilight, a smirk smoothly unfolding across her face.

"Perhaps you do, at that," she conceded, rising from the table. "It's been some years since Twilight left the nest – it's all too easy to forget that she's no longer the little girl who'd follow me around the house, begging for head-pats and chicken tenders."

"Oh, she still does that," Rarity said. "It's just not always the head that she wants patted anymore."

Immediately, Twilight began making plans to kill everyone in the cafe, and then herself.

Velvet laughed, and looked with delight at Twilight. "I do like her, you know. Why, if I were fifty percent less heterosexual and one hundred percent less married, I might take her for myself."

Mother would be her first victim, Twilight decided.

"That said," Velvet continued, addressing Rarity again. "I'm sure you understand that, as a mother, I can't simply take you at your word. And, as a mother, I must ask for a bit of... tangible proof, let's say."

If Rarity felt any trepidation, she didn't let it show in her bearing, or her voice. "What did you have in mind?"

Velvet folded her arms, took a step back, and jerked her neck toward Twilight. "Kiss her."

Twilight stiffened in her seat. "Mother!"

Velvet looked down at Twilight. "Yes, daughter?"

"I–– you can't just––" Sputtering, Twilight gestured frantically at Rarity. "Demand a public display of affection! Those are–– That's–– What consenting adults do behind closed doors––"

"I'm not asking her to throw you onto the table and mount you, dear. I just want to see a little proof that your relationship is as genuine as she claims. A quick little smooch. A peck. Hardly more than a smack on the lips." Velvet gave the length of hair curling past her shoulder a flip, from one side of her body to the other. "You two can manage that, can't you?"

Twilight tried to stammer out another objection, but any attempt at arguing the point further died when Rarity rounded the table toward her.

"Come now, darling, she only wants to see a token kiss," said Rarity. She planted her hand on the table and leaned down toward Twilight. "Surely, we can give her that much."

Her breath, at once hot and minty fresh, caressed Twilight's face, and she felt a decidedly non-heterosexual shudder ripple down her spine. Her gaze traced the curve of Rarity's cheek, down to her red, pillowy lips. She summoned all her willpower to keep them there, even as the neckline of Rarity's dress dipped, and hanged, dangerously low.

One kiss, thought Twilight, gulping. Just one. Nothing romantic or sexy about it, just a little smooch between friends. Friends kiss each other all the time, right? Like Starlight and Trixie. Or Lyra and Bon-Bon. Or Sunset and... uh... the entire crew of the Lesbos... it doesn’t mean it’s gay, right?

...Perhaps it was little gay. But then, looking at those lips, Twilight couldn't quite remember any reason to object.

Rarity was leaning closer now, her every breath a lover's touch. Twilight angled her face toward her, letting her eyes droop halfway. In her peripheral vision, she caught sight of Rarity's hand, still planted on the table – her fingers, minutely, almost imperceptibly, trembling.

A soft laugh, almost a sigh, escaped Twilight's lips as they parted to receive Rarity's...

Then the door to the shop flung open with a thunderous, wooden crack, making Twilightjolt away from Rarity. She straightened, and stared at the shop entrance as a figure swept inside: a raggedy-looking young man with a messy mop of blonde hair, and at least a week's worth of stubble.

Is that the guy Mom brought to set me up with? Twilight's nose wrinkled – her self-esteem may not have been very high, but even she knew she could do better.

Before she could object, though, the man stormed over to the table and lashed out with his right hand, snaring Rarity with a handcuff – the other end of which was secured around his own wrist.

"There's no getting away this time, Sequined Spectre!" he croaked. His voice strained to sound tough and manly. Mostly, it just sounded sleepy. "I'm placing you under arrest!"

"Sequined Spectre––?" Twilight bolted from the table, knocking back her chair. "Mom? Explain?!"

"Zephyr Breeze, you absolute buffoon," Velvet growled. "No point maintaining cover now."

With a snap of her fingers, a badge materialized in her hand, bearing a sigil of a moon and a sun, diagonally divided. She held it up high as her other hand clenched tightly, a current of violet light thrumming around her fist.

"Bureau of Magical Magic Affairs! Nobody move!" She leveled her fist at a nearby table of ruffians, and fired a bolt of violet lightning that incinerated the napkin-holder on the table-top – a display of power that more than dismayed the room full of bandits and ruffians.

Twilight glared at her mother. "You're with the BMMA?! You told me you were in publishing!"

"Technically, I am. I write and publish bureau training manuals on the side." Velvet cast an annoyed look at Zephyr Breeze. "Which, clearly, some people need to re-read."

"How long have you been a secret agent?!"

"Since before I met your father. I'm gratified that you never found out; that means the 'secret' part of the title isn't just an artifact." Velvet huffed. "Honestly, though, how else do you think you've been able to pirate with impunity for all this time?"

"You shouldn't minimize your daughter's accomplishments like that," Rarity interjected. "She's quite skilled in her field, you know."

"Complimenting my daughter won't keep you out of prison, Sequined Spectre," said Twilight Velvet. "Though, that's kind of you to say, thank you."

"You're very welcome, ma'am." Rarity grinned. "That said, I have no intention of going to prison. I'm sorry to disappoint."

Velved laughed. "Bold words, but how do you plan to back them up? I have you dead to rights."

Rarity looked at Twilight, eyes half-lidded.

"How, indeed."

3. This Was Most Certainly Not in the Manual (I should know, I wrote it) (Nonchalant)

The room quickly devolved into a mix of confused muttering and uncertain foot-shuffling as Twilight’s fellow regulars backed up or tried to discreetly slip out through a back door. Rarity slid one foot back, firmly planting herself, and with a deep breath she grabbed onto Zephyr’s arm.

He only had time to let out a faux-gruff “hey!” before she flipped him over her shoulder onto the table. Rarity winced, the impact having jolted the handcuff painfully against her wrist. Throughout this, Twilight Velvet remained impassive. She’d stepped back slightly to avoid getting hit by Zephyr’s panicked flailing, but her arm was steady and aimed directly at the so-called “Sequined Spectre”, crackling with purple energy.

Twilight Sparkle’s mind was racing. On the one hand, any of her previously imagined plans to remove all witnesses to her embarrassing attempt at introducing her “girlfriend” to her mother would likely go much smoother with a member of the BMMA actively looking out for her.

The downside was that her preferred first victim was said BMMA agent. Really, the only solution she would see as acceptable was one that would eventually require all bystanders to have their memories of the entire day removed. For that to happen, she would likely need to help Rarity escape. The near-kiss mere seconds ago had been… distracting enough, but any further examination of her relationship with her friend would have to wait.

Taking a trembling breath, Twilight called out to her mother, suppressing the flood of questions about her secret life and the series of interesting houseguests that had stayed over for “publicity tours” and similar excuses over the years. Instead, she asked something that she felt was more pertinent.

“Was… this the guy you were going to try and set me up with?”

Velvet winced. “Well, see… Zephyr Breeze is a perfectly nice young man!”

Both Twilights glanced at the agent mewling softly in pain atop the broken remains of a table, occasionally jerking slightly against the armlock he was being held in.

The younger Twilight couldn’t help but be amazed at Rarity’s deceptive strength; she was still staring Velvet down coolly even as she subdued a presumably grown man.

“It would appear I was wrong about how little faith your mother had in you, darling. I’m sorry,” Rarity said.

Twilight nodded, pursing her lips.

“It isn’t like we had much time to come up with a better way to bait Rarity once we discovered who she really was. We had to act quickly,” Velvet grumbled. “And it’s not like I would have actually let Zephyr take you anywhere.”

“Is that because you love me, or because you’d end up having to pay for the expenses?” Twilight asked sweetly.

Velvet willed her badge away with a flick of her fingers, putting her now-free hand on her hip. “No comment. We just needed the situation to be tempting enough for the Spectre to feel obligated to help her friend.”

“So… you don’t actually think I’m doomed to be alone forever or anything?”

The silence was telling.

Shaking her head, Velvet snapped her fingers to produce a sharp, intricate sigil over her hand. “In any case, the mission was successful. Even if he’s out for the count, you can’t escape with a limp body along for the ride. I’m calling for a collection squad,” she chuckled. “I’d ask if you want to sit down as we wait, but our table appears to be in poor condition.”

Rarity chuckled. “If a situation such as this was more than a match for me, I wouldn’t be nearly as infamous as I am, you know?” she said. “I’ve evaded your agency in far more illustrious and well-equipped jurisdictions than this. Was poor Zephyr here sent in for remedial training or somethi--” she paused as she felt Zephyr’s other hand wrap around her ankle.

Twilight barely had time to process this before she acted, delivering a swift kick to the nearest part of the man she could reach. His hand quickly retracted.

Velvet raised an eyebrow. “Did you have to go for the head? We’ll be short-handed for a month now, if he abuses his medical leave again.”

“No-one touches my friends,” Twilight responded simply.

“Not even me?” Twilight Velvet was slowly walking forward, around the table, towards the manchild-laden Rarity. “You’ll find that I put up much more of a fight, even against my darling daughter.”

A polite cough drew the Twilights’ attention. “I thought I was the one you were after?” Rarity hummed. “I did come here to help you, Twilight, dearest, not to cause trouble with your family.”

“It’s no trouble at all, Rarity. That’s all on my mother, who kept her entire life a secret from me until now,” Twilight growled.

“Even so, it’s awfully crowded in here for a domestic spat.” Rarity was rocking on her heels, both hands clasped in front of her. This had the entertaining effect of rolling the body of a still-conscious Zephyr Breeze back and forth as his arm swung from his portion of the handcuffs.

Velvet looked around, drawing in a breath through her teeth. “Your ‘girlfriend’ is right, Twilight. Maybe once she’s been processed for resisting arrest, theft, armed robbery, and assaulting a BMMA operative we can have a nice chat over a late lu--”

The senior agent-and-publisher-on-the-side jumped as her partner’s body was heaved at her, Rarity’s handcuff absent from around her wrist. Once she landed again, she levelled a blast of arcing, crackling energy at the now-fleeing Rarity, only to pull her shot off to the side as she realised that the Sequined Spectre had clasped her daughter by the wrist and was leading her quickly through the front door, starting up a cheery conversation with the dumbstruck girl.

Thinking over her options for a second, Twilight Velvet frowned and turned to address the other sky-pirates in the room. “Once this guy wakes up, you’re all under arrest too. Okay? Nobody move a damn muscle,” she hissed.

She wished she could believe the hasty assurances and nods that followed, but had no time to devote to that, as she rushed to follow Twilight’s would-be fake girlfriend and apparent kidnapper before they could forever escape the long arm of the BMMA, or whatever it was that pining young adults did these days.

4. What in flippety flappety floppety nibbly nackity?!? (Tache bleue)

Twilight Velvet quickly dashed out through the door, slowing and completing a hastey survey as she did so until spotting the petulant duo, her target with her daughter, running into a quaint bakery.

She knew that the skybound pirates might not stay put, but this takes priority. Zephyr will be… fine, likely. She gave chase.

Pinkie Pie was labouring over her latest batch of cupcakes behind her counter when the door’s little bell of the bakery struck louder than it ought to be, cause her to break her focused-concentration and instead snap it to the source of the commotion.

Her eyes widened with excitement once she saw Rarity coming through the door, and widened a little more when she saw Twilight Sparkle come up beside her as Rarity let go of Twilight’s wrist.

“Oh! Hi Rarity, Hi Twilight!” Pinkie said enthusiastically, only to wane when something in her said they weren’t here just to talk.

“Good afternoon Pinkie!” Rarity said cheerfully, “I’m afraid Twilight and I can’t stick around, but we would very much appreciate it if you could… intercept your next customer. They're looking for Spectre."

With that, Pinkie came to full realisation as to what she was saying, her eyes widening once more, this time with surprise accompanied by a gasp. “You’ve been discovered?!” She exclaimed, as Twilight looked back and forth between them with surprise of her own.

Rarity nodded. “Could we have one of the bakery’s rooms to ourselves?” she said, as she grabbed hold of Twilight’s wrist again and led her behind the counter.

Pinke nodded quickly, and then used her head to point out an open door, and the two women followed her indication with haste.

Rarity walked through first, then quickly closed the door behind Twilight, who then turned towards her. “...So what had you stolen? ‘Armed Robbery’?” she asked, a quizzical look on her face. “And what martial art was that? How does Pink-”

“I’ll tell you about it later, but it had been a noble’s rather valuable plaything.” Rarity had started powering a spell but slowed as she heard and answered the first question. She glanced to the door, “Is there a way for you to block the door, blushie?”

Twilight, already having realised why she had called her that, blushed anyways despite herself. She eyed a large cabinet, and raising her arm she levitated it, but in the process lightly bumped a credenza with some vases on it, to against the door gently, careful not to damage anything.

Twilight considered asking her girlfriend what she's doing, but thought better not to distract-

The duo heard the sound of a door getting kicked in, and a little bell getting struck.

Velvet now stood in the confectioners' bakery, her eyes completing a search in a second before bringing her whole attention to the pink-haired cake-covered lady, a confectionery baker presumably.

Forming the most disarming and reassuring smile she could, she approached the young woman. She asked, “Hello there! I think I saw my daughter come in here, do you know her?”

Pinkie eyed the woman with suspicion hidden behind jolliness. “Daughter? There’s an awful lot of those here!” She joked, then gasped. “I don’t think I’ve met you before! I’m Pinkie Pie, what’s your name?"

The older woman replied without missing a beat, “My name is Twilight Velvet, do you know a Twilight Spark-"

"Nope!" Pinkie exclaimed. "I don't know anybody by that name, sorry! Would you like to pick some cupcakes?" She said jollily.

Velvet couldn't stop herself from narrowing her eyes a little, but otherwise kept herself calm. Another youthful child, she thinks, lying to an agent of the Principality, albeit unknowingly. Time to change that.

She knew that they can simply wipe her memory afterwards, so, readying a stun spell with her left and pulling out her sash with her right, she calmly proclaimed, "Miss Pinkie, I am an agent of the Bureau of Magic, Mana and the Arcane, and you will tell me where they went."

But before another word could be said, the commotion of ceramic breaking sound through a closed door.

A quarter second, a half second passed, and Pinkie leaped towards Velvet. As her jump reached it's apex, Velvet started a simple but very well drilled side-step to dodge the incoming projectile, while she released her stun at the fool.

With the product of a took taken care of, she looked to the closed door where the noise had come from. She thought to herself that a show of force might put the Sequined Spectre more properly on edge, or at least erode the… Irritating amount of confidence. Her daughter won't be stuck in a relationship with that liar. She never could find good friends, she needs her help for that.

She readied a spell with her left arm, and from her right she fired a weaker destructive shot to the door, resulting in a miniature explosion directed into the door. It had the intended effect of destroying it, but instead of seeing a clear passage she saw the back of a cabinet.

Hardly a problem she thought to herself, seeing as how the duo won't be escaping anytime soon. As she prepared her second destructive spell, she decided to inform the over-dramatic thief of her predicament, and yelled out. "It's over, Rarity, you've got nowhere to go!"

With a greater boom than before, the splinters of the cabinet fell as she dashed in through the door with her left arm primed, only to watch as a portal closed behind her daughter as she stepped through it, with Rarity nowhere in sight.

Rarity carefully pulled the stray splinter from her hair, she was otherwise in a… acceptable state. As she finished, her attention was grabbed by Twilight cutely clearing her throat in front of her, with a serious expression.

She smiled a loving one at her, and then turned her head to look out the window of the house to see her boutique. "Yes, darling?"

Twilight took a deep breath. She had a flurry of questions, but she had to focus on a few, they might not have much time. "Why does Pinkie know?" She decided.

Rarity eyes snapped back to Twilight's, but then broke off. "I… Pinkie had known since the start, the lady can't be fooled." Her eyes connected with the other's again. "I'm sorry, Twilight, I should have told you. It wasn't at all right to lie to you."

"I know you are, Rarity… we can talk about it later." Twilight took another deep breath as she moved in closer until they were only a third of a metre apart. "What had you stolen, and why does my mother, an… agent of the BMMA, want you for it?"

"Well, I told you it was something i took from a noble, right?" Twilight nodded. "Well, the something was an ancient arcane artefact, and the noble was one of the most prestigious nobles in all of Canterlot. But I thought I'd lost them, you see, and I had thought that they didn't know my identity, but it would seem I had been wrong about that part.

"I just wished it hadn't been your mother who'd find me." Rarity sighed. "You really hadn't known?"

"No, I didn't… but it explains a lot to me."

"Well, in any case, I believe it's her loss that she doesn't really know you as you are now." Rarity said, earning a light blush from her girlfriend. "How are you feeling, darling?"

Twilight blushed a little bit more, and smiled as she said, "Well, I'm with you."

Rarity blushed a little at that, but seeing an opportunity, "I feel the same way, too." Her blush intensified. "And… about what almost happened earlier." Twilight's eyes widened slightly and her breathing hitched, her blushing grew as Rarity pulled her into an embrace, one Twilight let happen. "I'm still quite interested in finishing that kiss."

Oh, how Twilight so wanted to give in and accept her… preposition. But now simply wasn't the time for this.

"R-rarity," she stuttered as her eyes were locked with those of Rarity. "W-we, um, should do t-this afterwards…"

Rarity held her for another moment, before relenting. "Oh, fiiine!" She said, drawing out the vowel. "I'll just have to kiss you later."

The remark made her blush harder. Twilight mourned the embrace breaking, but they needed to get back on track.

She looked out the window, and widened her eyes as she saw a group of people gathered outside of Rarity's boutique.

5. Romance, Pirates, and Explosions, oh my! (TGM)

“Uh, Rarity?” Twilight looked towards her girlfriend, who seemed to be preoccupied with pushing Twilight’s hair behind her ear.

“Yes darling, what is it?” Rarity didn’t stop, her hands continuing to fuss with her girlfriend’s beautiful locks. It took Twilight physically pulling away for Rarity to snap out of her trance.

“There’s people outside.” Twilight fought the rising blush that threatened to turn her beet red, and instead fixed her gaze on the mysterious figures outside to counter it.

“Oh, they’re most likely customers, they’ll leave when they see the boutique is closed.” Rarity leaned in. “Besides, we have much more important matters to attend to, do we not?” Twilight didn’t return her girlfriend’s gaze, she was too preoccupied with the glint of a pistol in one of the figure’s hands as they raised and pointed it directly at them through the window.

“GET DOWN!” Twilight practically tackled her girlfriend to the ground as the window above them exploded into shards of glass that scattered over the floor. Twilight covered Rarity as best she could until she was certain the glass cascade had ceased, then looked to Rarity. “Are you okay?” Rarity, to her credit, seemed relatively competent for someone who’s girlfriend had just suddenly leapt upon them with the ferocity of a pouncing lion. She blinked once or twice, then sat up.

“I’m fine, what about you?” After Twilight nodded, she turned to cast a disdainful glare at the window out towards their attackers. “How rude.”

Outside, a scraggly looking woman with a large overcoat, flowing black hair, an eye patch, and a peg leg stepped forth. She cracked a grin, her golden tooth gleaming in the sun as she threw back her head and laughed.

“A little birdy told us that this is where you’d be holed up, Rarity!” She stopped laughing, her uncovered eye narrowing as she glared at the boutique. “Or is ‘spectre’ the more appropriate name to be callin’ yeh?” She sneered. “Bah, doesn’t matter! Imagine, one of those most prestigious thieves in Equestria nothin’ more than a fashionista! It tickles me bones!” She started laughing again, but the crew behind her was dead silent. After a moment, she whirled on them, eyes ablaze and laughed harder. The crew got the message and started laughing with her. She scowled before turning to face the boutique again. “Regardless of that, you’re in possession of a trinket of mine!” A massive airship descended from the sky, clouds parting as the full size of the thing came into view. A black air balloon with a skull and crossbones on the side held the gold trimmed structure aloft as it cast an ominous shadow over the boutique. “However, I’m a forgivin’ captain. If ye come out and hand it over now, I won’t blow your boutique to kingdom come. How about it?”

Rarity quickly stood up and pulled Twilight to her feet as well. “Twilight, we have to go,” she said with a serious voice, pulling her towards the back of the building.

“Wait, wait, Rarity what the heck is going on? I know you stole that artifact from a Canterlot noble, but pirates now? What do they have to do with it? What about your boutique? What-” Twilight was cut off as she was yanked into Sweetie Belle’s room, who thankfully didn’t seem to be there. Rarity sweeped a few of Sweetie Belle’s toys out of the way as well as a few paintings depicting Sweetie Belle and Rarity together before she jerked open a trap door that seemed to be built into the floor.

“I’m not worried about the boutique, Twilight. If this heist is successful, we’ll have enough money to buy 50 boutiques. Though I suppose I will have to start from scratch...all over...again…” This realization seemed to have sent Rarity into some sort of daze, as she stared off into space.

“Well, since I don’t see ye coming outside, how about this,” the pirate’s voice from outside droned on. “I’ll count to 3, if you’re not outside by then, I’m afraid it’s curtains to the great Sequined Spectre! One!” The front of the airship opened up with a puff of steam, revealing an enormous cannon that slowly emerged from the front of the ship.

The countdown seemed to have snapped Rarity out of her trance. “That darned Black Raven. Twilight we really don’t have time to discuss this, get in now!”

“I-” Twilight began, but Rarity quickly pushed her in.

“Two!” The cannon started glowing with magical energy. Rarity glanced towards the paintings that Sweetie Belle had drawn and quickly grabbed them, before jumping down with Twilight and quickly closing the hatch.

“Three! Off to Aeolus’s locker with you, Rarity!” The cannon hummed loudly before firing, the force of it pushed the airship back as Carousel Boutique was demolished in a fiery explosion.

Back at Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie’s legs and arms began to twitch. “Oh, hey! I can feel my legs again!” Pinkie said excitedly before her hair was suddenly yanked and her head jerked up to face a visibly angry Twilight Velvet.

“Pinkie, I should really arrest you right now for hiding a wanted criminal from the Bureau of Magic, Mana, and Arcane, but let me make it simple for you. You tell me where they went, I won’t take you in for questioning. What do you think?”

Pinkie visibly brightened. “Oh, they’ve went to a lot of places! The gardens, the movies, they come here a lot too, and Rarity takes Twilight to all sorts of high society get tog-” Twilight Velvet snapped her fingers, and Pinkie’s lips clamped shut.

“I am not interested in my daughter’s romantic outings with a wanted criminal!” Velvet hissed before she took a deep breath. “You covered for them, surely they must have told you where they were going?” She snapped her fingers again, and Pinkie’s lips opened up. Her eyes widened suddenly, and she pointed over Velvet’s shoulder.

“Look out! It’s a group of magic outlaws performing unspeakable criminal acts!” she exclaimed with urgency.

Velvet rolled her eyes. “You really expect me to fall for that one?”

“You’re right.” Pinkie sighed. “It’s just an explosion.”

“Wh-”

An enormous boom caused the entire building to shake violently. Velvet lost her grip on Pinkie as she was tossed forward into a shelf of flour and milk, then fell to the floor in a rain of white powder and liquid. Pinkie, who’d long since been used to being around explosions, happily hopped away as Velvet tore open the sacks of flour and screamed in rage. “I’ll find you, Rarity!”

Twilight and Rarity found themselves in a long winding cavern that led down and away from the boutique, and into the depths of Ponyville. Twilight looked around before fixing her gaze on Rarity, visible confusion written on her face. “Rarity, when did you make this? Where does it lead?”

Rarity winked. “Twilight, darling, dearest, light of my life, a lady is always prepared.” She stepped forth into the darkness of the tunnel. Twilight fumbled around in her knapsack for a moment before producing a small stone, which began to hum and glow at her touch. It hovered in the air next to her as she started walking next to Rarity. “As for where this goes, it links to Fluttershy’s cottage.”

Twilight stopped. “Wait, Fluttershy? She knows about this too?”

“Yes, she does. In fact she helped make some of my outfits, and even recommended me some strategies on some of my more extravagant heists. She’s surprisingly knowledgeable about it.” Twilight slapped her palm to her forehead before continuing forward.

“Okay, so both Pinkie and Fluttershy know. Any other curveballs you want to throw at me before we get to Fluttershy’s place?”

“Twilight, do try to keep yourself together. I promise I will explain everything in due time, at the moment I am working up to how to explain Fluttershy that her brother is being tortured by sky pirates.” Rarity tapped a finger to her chin.

Twilight wanted to scream, but she settled for a defeated sigh before she just smiled at Rarity. “You’re lucky I love you so much.” Rarity winked at her again as the two continued into the depths of the cavern in silence, and Twilight wondered what could possibly come next.

6. The one that definitely has Fluttershy (kits)

Twilight dodged under another plume of steam from a leaky pipe. "Are you sure this tunnel leads to Fluttershy's cottage," she asked. "We've been walking for a very long time." She'd had to renew the light spell on her rock twice. It wasn't a great way of keeping time, as the duration varied with mineral composition, but it had been some hours since their escape.

"Quite sure, darling." Rarity grimaced as she plucked at a stand of her hair that had stuck to the side of her neck. "Though I do wish it weren't quite so damp in here. This humidity is ruining my hair."

Twilight slipped her arms around Rarity, pulling her into a hug from behind. "Is the great Sequined Specter worried about ruining her 'do?"

Rarity leaned back into the embrace, her lips curling into a smile. "Well, we can't all have your natural beauty, grace, and, dare I say it, astoundingly good hair." She twisted in Twilight's grasp, to give her a light kiss on the nose. "We are getting close. The tunnel continues quite a bit beyond Fluttershy's."

Twilight frowned in thought. "And that's so anyone who finds it can't figure out where the end-points are, right?"

Rarity giggled. "Just so! You seem to be adapting rather quickly to all this. And look! There it is!" Rarity broke from their embrace and practically pranced up to a section of wall that, to Twilight's eyes, looked no different from the miles of corridor they'd already traversed.

Rarity turned to beam at her, bouncing on her heels in excitement. Twilight rolled her eyes and made the comment Rarity was obviously waiting for. "It doesn't look like much of a door."

With that said, Rarity manipulated something on the wall and a whole section sunk into the floor, revealing a ladder up and, presumably, out. Rarity flashed another grin, eliciting a matching one from Twilight, before heading up the ladder.

"Yo, Pinks!" Rainbow Dash swooped down to glide alongside Pinkie Pie. "I didn't know you were into running. We should totally do that marathon next month together."

"Can't. Talk," panted Pinkie Pie. "Running. From. The fuzz!"

Rainbow lazily rolled in the air and looked backwards at the older woman giving chase. "Since when is 'the fuzz' after you? Did your party cannon cause that explosion?"

"Worse!" Pinkie rounded a corner then pulled Dash into a convenient alleyway. "That's. Twilight's Mom! And she. Knows about. Rarity!"

Pinkie PIe took a moment to catch her breath, then inhaled. "She knows about Rarity and her non-dress-making hobbies, and she also knows about Twilight and Rarity and their dates, and she knows that we know about Twilight and Rarity and about Rarity's non-dress-making hobbies and that we knew about those before there was anything to know about Twilight and Rarity and—"

Rainbow placed a hand over Pinkie's mouth. "I get the picture." She rolled her eyes. "So what's she mad about? Rarity stealing that artifact or dating Twilight without her knowing?"

"Both." The voice from the end of the alleyway drew the two girls' attention. Twilight Velvet’s suit was in disarray, but the thing that captured their attention was the pistol she held leveled at the two of them. "Now, I'm only going to ask this of you once more, Miss Pie. Where has the Sequinned Specter taken my daughter?"

"We are so boned," Rainbow moaned.

"Aw, cheer up, Dashie! At least we're boned together!"

"God dammit, Pinkie!"

Twilight stumbled over a large bag full of yarn balls. While Rarity's secret entrance had been hidden inside a toybox in Sweetie's room, Fluttershy's end let them out in her overstuffed craft room. Twilight struggled to stand without toppling any of the other supplies or tangling herself in theyarn.

Ahead of her Rarity had already worked her way to the door. "Fluttershy, darling! Are you in? We have some very important and somewhat pressing news to share." If there was an answer, Twilight didn't hear it. "Fluttershy? Are you-- Oh my!"

The alarm in Rarity's voice spurred Twilight to action. With a muttered word and sweeping gesture, her magic pushed all the clutter to the sides of the room, opening a clear path, which she practically sprinted down. "Rarity!" She cried. "What's wrong!" Turning the corner into the main hallway, Twilight was forced to stop short as she nearly bowled Rarity over.

In the living room, Fluttershy sat on the loveseat alone. She "wore", for lack of a better word, magazines and newspapers fashioned into an approximation of overalls. In the middle of the room, curled around a trio of free floating lamps, was Discord. The draconequus was dressed in a full bridal gown, which he wore upside down, made out of what looked like red solo cups. On the couch, sat another Fluttershy, wearing an old twister playmat.

Twilight blinked. But all three figures and their strange choice of clothing remained. She tried to speak, but couldn't decide on which question to ask first. Fluttershy, the one on the loveseat, broke the silence first.

"Oh, hello, Rarity. Hello, Twilight. We weren't, um, expecting you?" She gave them a hesitant grin. Her eyes darted towards the other two, then back to Twilight and Rarity, and she jerked her head causing her hair to slide forward, covering half of her face.

Discord spoke up next. "But where are our manners? Do come in! Come in!" He flipped in mid air and gestured to the floor. Loveseat Fluttershy made a noise that sounded like a squeak and a pair of seats, an unfolded step stool and a large plastic bucket, materialized.

Twilight stared at the seats as if she'd never seen either item before.

The second Fluttershy spoke. "You'll have to forgive, um, him. This is our weekly ABC tea party and, well, you've come, um, dressed."

Twilight's mind finally sorted a singular question to the top of the list. A safe question that was least likely to result in a cryptic answer or give her migraines. "ABC?"

Loveseat Fluttershy drew her hair back away from her face, and with the same small smile Rarity used when she was teasing Twilight, said "Anything but clothes." Fanfair rang out through the room causing the other Fluttershy to let out a small squeak as Discord spun in place, several dozen trumpets vanishing behind him.

"And there are two of you, why?"

"Oh!" said Flutter-two. "That's because I wanted to try having tea with myself."

Twilight had more questions, but Rarity had finally recovered her powers of speech.

"Fluttershy, dear," Rarity addressed both Fluttershies in turn, "I know you value your time with your friend, and I'm very sorry to interrupt, but this is fairly important."

"I think Black Raven blowing up your boutique rates at least 'very' on the importance scale, Rarity." Twilight let more sarcasm into her voice than she meant to. Dealing with Discord tended to bring out the snappish side of her tongue.

"What!?" cried the couch-Fluttershy. "Somec—" she coughed. "Someone blew up your store!"

"Sky pirates blew up her store," said Twilight. "Oh, and also kidnapped your brother."

"Well, that's certainly a way to inform her," muttered Rarity.

Discord's eyes narrowed. He raised two hands and a bare foot. A trio of snaps, a bright flash of white, and Twilight found herself and Rarity seated on the loveseat across from both Fluttershies on the couch, and Discord floating above it. "Tell us, everything," he said.

"So all we have to do is rescue your brother, fence the artifact, and get Mrs. Raven to back off." Twilight took a sip of her tea as Rarity finished filling the trio in on their recent adventures. It was somehow still warm. And tasted like banana.

"And I'm sure you'll figure out a great way to do two of those things!" said Discord. "In the meantime, I think that we," he stretched an arm impossibly to wrap around one of the two Fluttershies, "shall rescue my— good friend, Zephyr Breeze, while you and Fluttershy take care of the sky pirates."

The second Fluttershy gave a small squeak as Discord slid her cushion through the air to hover next to Twilight.

"Are you sure?" Rarity was addressing the Fluttershy now thoroughly entangled by the slinky that had been Discord's limb.

"Yes, yes." Discord spoke before Fluttershy could even open her mouth. "Squeaky and the Chaos noodle can certainly handle rescuing one sibling. Tata!"

A flash of light and all of Twilight's objections died on her tongue as she found herself, Rarity, and Fluttershy standing outside of the cottage.

"Do you think she'll be okay?" Discord asked Fluttershy as they watched the trio converse through a window.

"Certainly, my dear," said Fluttershy as she began stuffing items into a backpack that spontaneously appeared next to her. "She does this sort of thing all the time with her friends. I dare say she'll be instrumental in resolving this pirate problem."

Slinging the backpack on her back, she started towards the kitchen. "Now, what say you that we rescue this brother of yours? We should be able to finish in time for biscuits if we hurry."

"Um." Discord's horns grew floppy and swung down to cover his face. "Do you think that, maybe, we could swap back before we go out?"

Fluttershy's mouth curled into a smirk, she raised her hand and snapped her fingers.

7. The Breakfast Octopus, or The One Where Mrs. Velvet Gets Busy (Cynewulf)

Rainbow tried her best grin.”Mrs. Velvet, ah, see… I’m really not sure this whole gun thing is necessary.”

Mrs. Velvet cocked the hammer back. Dash and Pinkie stood rooted to the ground, eyes darting first to each other and then to Velvet, and then to the gun. Pinkie whined.

Dash groaned. “Oh come on. Dammit, dammit.”

“I’ve asked you both a question,” Velvet said. “I’m not an unreasonable person. I have not asked the impossible. I just want to know where that… where the Sequinned Specter took my daughter. It’s not a hard question. Even for you, Rainbow.”

“How would we know that—”

“Then guess.”

“Tunnels!” Pinkie wailed. “Tunnels! Took the tunnels! Rarity mentioned it once and she has bolt holes and tunnels under town from some old bootleggers and one of them goes out of town towards the woods and Fluttershy’s cottage is really old and its the one they used and you can get to the cottage through the tunnels and they probably went there cause a lot of stuff has happened and some of it I was there for but a lot of it I was not there for and my knowledge is very limited and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to know and not know and—”

Velvet scowled. “Pinkimena. Shut up.”

“Right!” And she did.

The gun did not waver, but Velvet’s stance softened just slightly. "Fluttershy’s cottage at the edge of the woods. I don’t know the way. You do. Take me there.”

~~~

Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy—one of three from the cabin—were now outside. Thankfully, Discord’s teleportation had also provided Fluttershy with clothes. She still seemed a bit sheepish, at least to Twilight.

“Um, hi,” Fluttershy said.

“I believe we’re quite past hellos. Were you the one wearing the twister mat, or?”

“It, uh, anyway.” Fluttershy coughed. “So what are you doing about the sky pirates? And also… oh dear, my brother.”

Twilight couldn’t help it. She put her hands on her hips and leaned in. “Okay, seriously, which Fluttershy are you? And, I’m sorry, but… why are there three?”

Fluttershy looked down at the ground, grabbing at her nice floral skirt, and mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like ‘its embarrassing and also private’ but finally just sighed. “Please? Can we…”

“Fine, it’s alright. Sorry, Fluttershy,” Twilight said. “I didn’t mean to pry.”

“Likewise. We do… we have something like a plan. Or I do. Specifically I do,” Rarity said. “I’ve not figured out what to do about Raven yet. Discord can handle Zephyr, that’s within the purview of what he’s allowed, but the pirates I can perhaps handle. I’m no amatuer thief, you know. I know my territory well, and I keep my ears to the ground and my eyes to the sky. They’ve been sneaking fuel and crystals through town for a week.”

“Crystals?” Fluttershy cocked her head to the side. “For what?”

“Batteries. Magical ones. The inner workings of it all is a bit beyond me, my dear, but I’m not ignorant of the practical parts. Airships use magical batteries filled with the things as both propulsion and weaponry. Fuel can only get one so far if an engine’s crystalline matrices aren’t up to snuff. And with the amount they’ve been moving…”

Twilight grinned. “Wait, you think they’ve been rehauling their ships nearby.”

“Precisely. Now, I’d expected them to be on their way, but I also didn’t expect to get this artifact and be found out either. So from my failures we shall birth revenge. I have a pretty good idea where they’re basing themselves. The ruins in the center of the woods provide not only a nice place to hide supplies, but also some spires to park their ships.”

“So… what do we actually do?” Fluttershy asked.

Twilight, frowning, reached for Rarity’s hand. Rarity squeezed it and then gesturing to Fluttershy, began to walk towards the tree line.

“We don’t have a lot of material to work with. My cover in town is… delicate, at best. My shop and all my tools have been blown to bits. But I have my wits, and Twilight’s knowledge, and your flight. And also,” she added with a twisting smile, “the confidence that I can rely on you both. I think the best thing we can do is show them what happens when they piss off a thief and then tie their ships unattended out here in the woods.”

~~~

Velvet arrived at Fluttershy’s cottage to find it deserted.

She growled, and gave Pinkie and Dash a sidelong look.

“If they aren’t here, I don’t know where they’d be,” Pinkie said. “Honest! I’m worried now.”

“You weren’t before?” Rainbow asked, leaning against the cottage. She flared her wings and crossed her arms. “I mean, honestly. She was holding a gun! She is still holding it.”

Velvet rolled her eyes. “Pinkie knows as well as I do that I couldn’t shoot my daughters friends quite so boldly. Intimidate them, sure, defend myself, sure. Pay attention.” She swiveled back to Pinkie, who crouched in the dirt as she holstered her side arm. “My daughter and that criminal are out here somewhere. Out there. They are together. I’m not sure which to be more angry about. But I can put both aside until I know she is safe. I know the Specter and that artifact are going to put her in danger. I think you two might just care about that as well, no?”

“I thought for sure they would be here…” Pinkie picked at the grass, and then seemed to decide something. She stood. “I don’t know where they are, but if I know Rarity, she won’t take what’s happened lying down. She’ll get even. Rarity always comes out on top in the end.”

Velvet scoffed at that, and Pinkie managed to look defiant about it.

“Yeah, well, unless she’s in the navy now…” Rainbow groused. “I mean, the shop is busted.”

“And airships are rather mobile, especially those skiffs…” Velvet licked her lips. “Pinkie, I have a question. Twilight tells me you’re good at these.”

“At what?”

“Imagine you are a ship.”

“I’m a ship!”

“Where exactly would you want to sleep for the night, being a ship?”

Pinkie burst into a grin. “You don’t think…”

“It’s either the old ruins or its the gorge. I doubt its Ghastly Gorge.”

“Celestia, I hope not,” Rainbow said, pushing off the cottage. “The ruins?”

Velvet nodded. “The ones in the forest. I believe it used to be an old royal castle? Early Equestria wasn’t my strong suit. But I know its there, and I know the roads still lead to it.” She hummed, and then pulled a small notebook from her backpocket, thumbing through.

“Right. Warding… true direction… that should be enough. If you two will stand close, I believe I can get us through these woods in no time.”

8. Approaching the Fan at Alarming Speeds (trAce)

“I want to help,” Twilight insisted.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt, darling.”

“I want to help. Even if that puts me in danger.”

Rarity sighed as she crossed her arms in front of her. “You know, I am quite capable of being sneaky in my own right. I doubt whatever token group they left as guards would notice a thing.”

“An invisibility spell would let you move quicker and you would know for a fact that you weren’t seen,” Twilight countered.

Rarity stopped, causing Twilight and Fluttershy to bump into her. “This looks far enough away to not be seen.” She pointed ahead of them at the doors of the ruined castle. She then raised her finger up until it was pointing at five airships anchored to the upper walls and spires of the castle. “If you could fly up and get a quick estimate of how many pirates we’re looking at, that would be much appreciated, Fluttershy.”

“Oh, goodness. If you’re sure they won’t see me.” With a few hesitant flaps of her wings, Fluttershy lifted herself into the air and slowly rose past the tops of the trees.

“So I guess I’m staying here while you go in, huh?” Twilight didn’t bother hiding her disappointment.

“Dear, you are an adult. If you truly want to risk being hunted by sky pirates, then who am I to stop you?” Rarity stepped closer and brushed dust from Twilight’s shoulder, despite Twilight being absolutely sure her clothing was already spotless. “I wasn’t lying earlier. I don’t want you to get hurt and I am able to do this myself. Whatever action you decide to take with that information, I will support it.”

“It would be pretty hypocritical if you didn’t.” Twilight giggled.

Rarity opened her mouth to respond, but was cut off by Fluttershy’s return.

“I only saw six pirates. They were all on the middle ship and walking back and forth along the wall.”

“You didn’t see anyone at all on the other four ships?” Rarity raised an eyebrow when Fluttershy shook her head. “I wonder what that could mean. Fluttershy, be a dear and keep a lookout here. If anything strange happens, I’ll want to hear it when we get back.”

¤¤¤¤¤

Thankfully the castle itself was empty, though many a ruined tapestry or rug had to be mourned. It didn’t take long for the two unicorns to reach their destination.

An invisible Rarity led an invisible Twilight along the edge of the castle wall until they reached the bridge to the closest airship. Twilight let herself be pulled across the deck to a door, beyond which laid a staircase that descended into the hull. She stepped in and followed her companion down a few steps when the hand guiding her stopped.

“It’s dark.”

“Uh, yeah?” Twilight was well aware of the lack of lights at the bottom of the stairway. She was unsure why this was significant.

“Even when the overhead lights are off, there are usually strip lights along the floor so you know where you are,” her companion explained. “The only reason they would be off is if the engine isn’t running. The only reason a ship would be missing its power and its crew would be– ”

“If it’s undergoing repairs,” Twilight finished. Understanding the problem now, Twilight dropped her invisibility spell and cast a simple light spell. “Maybe I should lead?”

“By all means, darling.” Rarity shifted to the side to let Twilight pass her. Twilight wasn’t exactly sure where they should be going, but there was something she was interested in.

Further into the ship they went, turning left and right down hallways and even going down a second flight of steps. Twilight kept a close eye on the metal plates next to each door they passed. Some plainly listed the rooms they lead to, while others displayed only symbols. She finally stopped when she came upon a door marked with a rectangle overlaid with two circles and a bolt of lightning.

“I think this is the engine room,” Twilight explained as the two entered.

Twilight extended the radius of her light spell to reveal a room with many shelves and paper covering the walls. The back wall was taken up by a complex-looking array of crystals and metal with smaller devices attached at varying locations. Thin tubing extended from the top of the machine into the ceiling.

“Fascinating.” Twilight left Rarity in the dark as she went to examine the contraption. “This must be what they needed all the crystals for. Instead of using already-charged crystals for power like most crystal engines, it looks like they’re essentially creating a massive battery out of a whole lot of smaller ones, then using smaller fuel engines hooked into converters to charge the stationary crystals with regular fuel.” She pointed at each relevant part of the setup as she talked. “It certainly is cheaper in the long-term, since charged crystals can get pricy from region to region. It’ll likely require a lot more maintenance, but that depends on what kind of metal is being used.”

She backed away from the engine and put her hands on her hips. After a period of contemplation, she stated, “This is a horribly inefficient engine, even if it is a unique design.”

“Dear, I admire the speed with which you can make that observation, but we have more important things to be doing right now.” Rarity looked around the room for anything that could help them bring the ship down. Barrels of what were almost certainly fuel were enticing, but she did not see a way to set them off without being caught in the blast.

“Do you know how to engrave crystals?”

“I am familiar with the spell used to do so, but I am not particularly experienced with it. Why do you ask?”

“I have an idea, but we’re going to have to work fast once we start.” Twilight spun around to face Rarity and shot the confused thief a devilish smile. “Let’s do some engineering.”

¤¤¤¤¤

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie followed Twilight Velvet in silence, the former because she didn’t want to get shot and the latter because she was still pretending to be an airship.

“We’ll be there soon,” Velvet said suddenly. She did not turn around to check on her companions, which might have emboldened Rainbow to try to sneak away, except for the fact that this was Twilight’s mom she was dealing with.

Somebody once told her that mothers grew a set of eyes on the back of their heads. Rainbow was pretty sure that was a lie, but also decided now was really not the time to test it.

“Sooo… we meet up with Twilight and Ra– the Sequinned Specter and then what? You’re not actually gonna, like, shoot anyone, right?”

“As I’ve already said, Dash, I will not go and shoot one of my daughter’s friends if it can be avoided. Of course, I don’t hold the same reservations for that criminal she’s with. Hopefully Twilight will come home without making a fuss and that will be it.” There was a pause and Rainbow saw Mrs. Velvet’s hands clench into fists. “If the Specter even thinks of trying to interfere, then Gods help her.”

Rainbow let the conversation drop. As she looked up through the gaps in the branches at the airships moored to the ancient castle, she hoped they were wrong about where the others had went. She really didn’t feel like watching her friend get killed today.

“Ooh, it’s Fluttershy!” Pinkie Pie pointed ahead at the pegasus where she was leaning against a tree. At the loud exclamation from Pinkie, Fluttershy looked up and waved at the trio.

The light smile that graced her face turned to fear as Velvet unholstered her pistol and began marching straight towards her.

¤¤¤¤¤

“Alright, the converters are fueled. How’s that last engraving going?”

Rarity didn’t respond. Assuming that she needed to focus, Twilight stepped closer to provide Rarity with more light and began to quietly run through her checklist for the fourth and final time.

“Weapons disconnected? Check. Propulsion disconnected? Check. Heating disconnected? Check. Lights disconnected?” Twilight watched for a few moments until the glow around Rarity’s horn subsided and she carefully extracted herself from the crystal matrix.

“Check, darling.”

“Perfect. I’ve been counting seconds in my head and if I didn’t mess up that count, then we still have about ten minutes until the first engine overloads.”

Rarity nodded as the two set to work. Just as they had three times before in the other unoccupied ships, the pair pulled any extra barrels of fuel close enough to touch the crystal matrix and pried the tops off. They then split and began to start the multiple energy converters connected to the device.

As the sound of machinery filled the space, both unicorns finished their task and quickly made their exit from the engine room. Twilight took the lead while she once again cast the invisibility spell. Grabbing Rarity by the hand, she lead the pair through the winding corridors until they stepped out into the waning light of the evening sky.

“I must say, Twilight, I very much like this daring side of yours.” Although there was no verbal response, Rarity felt the hand around hers tighten its grip.

Rarity was glad she was invisible. After all, the wide grin on her face was very unladylike.

¤¤¤¤¤

Both unicorns were still riding the high of their sabotage as they hurried out the doors of the ruined castle and down the path to where Fluttershy was standing watch.

It wasn’t until they heard a shout that they realized she was no longer alone.

“Hey, c’mon, leave Fluttershy alone!”

Fluttershy cowered behind her hair while a grey unicorn waved a gun in her direction. Rainbow Dash was desperately trying to mediate what was happening while Pinkie Pie stood to the side looking worried. When she noticed Twilight, however, she said something that caused the unicorn with the gun to turn around.

Twilight came to an abrupt stop upon seeing her mother, nearly causing herself to fall over. Rarity steeled her jaw and took Twilight by the arm, leading her over to the group.

Mrs. Velvet watched them approach with a hawk-like concentration. Once they had gotten close enough, she spoke.

“Get your hands off my daughter.” The words dripped with venom coming out of Twilight Velvet’s mouth.

Rarity did as she asked, letting go of Twilight whilst maintaining full eye contact with Velvet.

“Twilight, come over here. We’re going home.”

“I’d say Twilight is old enough to make decisions for herself, wouldn’t you?” Rarity interjected.

“Don’t tell me how to parent my own child! This is all your fault! You and that damned artifact!” Velvet spit back.

“Mother…”

“Apologies, I don’t mean to critique your parenting.” Rarity took a long pause, and for a while it seemed like that would be the end of it. “I’m critiquing your belief that a grown woman still needs parenting.”

“Do not talk back to me!” Velvet raised her gun and pointed it at the source of her anger. Rainbow jolted and moved to leap in front of Mrs. Velvet.

However, Twilight was faster.

“Don’t… you dare threaten her with that!” Twilight was shaking like a leaf in the wind, but the weight of her action wasn’t lost on anyone present. “I’ll go home. But if you hurt her, then… then… then I’ll go away for real! Somewhere far where you’ll never find me, like Abyssinia!”

“Why would you give a damn about a criminal like her?” Mrs. Velvet relaxed her stance, but only slightly. “Oh gods, she’s corrupted you, hasn’t she?”

“Wh-what?” Twilight’s face contorted in confusion as her mother once again locked eyes with Rarity in a show of intimidation from both parties.

An uneasy quiet fell over the group a second time. It didn’t take long for Rainbow to get fidgety.

“So… what’s going on? Why was Fluttershy out here instead of with you two?”

Twilight perked up at Rainbow’s question. “Oh my gosh, we really need to get out of here. Um, Rarity’s shop is out of the question. Fluttershy, how about your cottage?”

“She is not coming anywhere with us.” Velvet growled.

“Mother, we can continue this elsewhere. It really would be best if we were anywhere but here.”

“Twilight, you do not disobey your mother!”

“You do not talk to her like that!” Rarity shouted back.

“Um, I agree that we should go.” Unfortunately, no one heard Fluttershy.

“Woah! Hey! Calm down!” Rainbow leapt towards Mrs. Velvet and grabbed her arms, pulling her gun down so it wasn’t pointed at anyone.

“Why do you even own a gun?” Pinkie added.

“Everyone stop! We really need to get out of here because any moment now, those airships are going to start– ”

The sky lit up as a wall of heat and sound crashed over them.

9. Is it Still a Fairy Tale Ending if the Castle is on Fire? (Nonchalant)

Twilight gasped for breath even as her “captor” pulled her, stumbling, down the once-verdant walkway from the castle.

Ex-castle, maybe.

Sure, it had already seen better days before they’d blown up a small pirate fleet over it. But, Twilight reasoned, it wasn’t like they’d had much of a choice.

Maybe the explosions had rattled her more than she thought. The girl then pushed any further introspection away, at least until her lungs stopped burning and her ears stopped ringing. She focused on the now-familiar feeling of Rarity’s hand clasped around her wrist, leading her forward into yet another interesting situation. Forcing her eyes to focus on something other than her own feet stumbling forward for a second, Twilight glanced around.

Her dear mother was in full “agent” mode. Hard lines resting naturally around her eyes as she herded a shell-shocked Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy ahead of her, gun arm trained on Rarity even so.

Another minute or so of quiet stumbling, Twilight remembered that she had magic, and focused on her ears, softly applying pressure and energy until her mo--Agent Velvet’s voice was clear.

She spared all of three seconds to consider how unfair it was that both of the strong, driven, morally ambiguous women in her life were apparently so accustomed to explosions that they were already yelling at each other again.

Wait, scratch that, Pinkie Pie was walking backwards, eyes analytically appraising the smoldering ruin of the castle behind them. That was going to be another very interesting conversation. Some other day. She’d schedule it in eventually.

You know, the chunks of burning rock and magic crystal and wood were actually quite pretty when--

She blinked again. There was… something important…

“--know that you had no reason to interfere, I can take care of your daughter just fine!”

That was Rarity, hotly defending her choices to the no-longer-secret-to-them Agent with a gun. Rainbow was once again trying to wrestle it to point at the ground, but Velvet was apparently done playing games. She took but a second to knock Rainbow’s feet out from under her, dropping the girl to the ground with an indignant “hey!”

“That is not your role, Spectre,” Velvet said, “your role is to come. Quietly. With. Me.”

She pulled a set of handcuffs out of her jacket. Rarity and Twilight both scoffed, and the hand holding them lowered slightly.

“What?” Velvet looked slightly hurt.

Twilight spoke up. Anything, to distract Mother from her target. “Well… how many times have handcuffs actually worked against Rarity?”

When Twilight Velvet shrugged and let them drop to the floor, Twilight Sparkle relaxed.

She yelped, however, when Velvet immediately flicked out her wrist, sending a twitching rope of purple energy at Rarity’s legs. “Mom!”

“What?” Velvet was winding up for another shot, as Rarity had nonchalantly hopped over the first one.

“Now?” Twilight asked.

Rarity grinned even as she caught her breath. “Well, I suppose we count as domestic terrorists, now, darling.” She pushed, and a shimmering wall surged forward and coated Velvet, slowing her movements. “You might even count as fair game to Mommy Dearest too!”

“Hey, you don’t get to call me Mommy,” Velvet growled. She pulled her gun arm back up and squeezed.

Rainbow Dash was confused. She hated being confused. All she knew at that moment was that her ears hurt, her head hurt, her wrist hurt, and Twilight’s mom was about to shoot Rarity.

Naturally, Rainbow did what came to mind. She tackled--apparently-- a secret agent. The slowing field was still active, so the girl got to experience the ground rushing at her face in slow motion, which, she briefly noted, was really cool.

When she hit the ground, she heard Fluttershy calling out her name, and some more angry yelling coming from Twilight Velvet.

Rainbow ignored all of that, choosing instead to yell over the commotion and the ringing in her ears. “Can we stop trying to shoot people?”

A beat of silence, then Twilight Velvet coughed. “I--she’s a criminal. I have to,” she said.

Every teenager present made a disgusted sound at that proclamation. Rainbow sighed. “I thought secret agents were supposed to be cool,” she mumbled.

Agent Velvet sighed too. “In my defense, I thought my daughter’s girlfriend was supposed to lack a criminal record.”

There was mild spluttering from somewhere above Rainbow, who was still lying on top of Velvet, keeping her arms stubbornly pinned to the ground.

Twilight meekly spoke up. “I mean, we were preten--”

“I don’t know, darling. It feels awfully right to flee from explosions holding your hand.”

Rainbow had the feeling that Pinkie Pie was nodding at that remark.

“O-oh!” Twilight squeaked.

“I’m sorry, dearest, that was presumptuous of me.”

“Not at all! I, uhh… when we were rigging those ships to blow, I felt… tingly?”

It was Rarity’s turn to go quiet and mutter to herself. Twilight Velvet resumed her struggles.

“Come on! She’s corrupting my daughter right in front of me!” she growled.

Fluttershy cleared her throat, speaking louder than usual, almost as if she couldn’t hear herself. “In their defense, those were a bunch of pirates. We know what they would have used those ships for.”

Velvet froze. “Wait. There were pirates on the ships?”

There was a very reticent hum in response to that, and Velvet’s muscles tensed. In a flash, Rainbow found herself on the ground under Velvet’s boot. In that moment she decided that the world needed more mothers like Twilight’s. Even if she tried to shoot her friends sometimes.

“There were only six of them!” Rarity waved her hands emphatically.

“Oh, that’s alright then!” Velvet chirped, “Premeditated murder charges are only actionable starting at parties of eight!”

Rarity scoffed. “Nonsense! I definitely know people who’ve been arrested for a single… murder…” she trailed off.

From her new vantage point, Rainbow saw Rarity and Twilight standing, once again, across from Twilight Velvet. She also saw, however, a grizzled, burly man approaching them from the path.

The tension in the air fizzled as everyone awkwardly stared at the newcomer.

“Uhh, can we help you?” Twilight Velvet called coldly at the man.

He nodded. “Are y’all the ones that blew up my airships?”

Everyone froze. Then, Twilight (the Sparkle one, Rainbow mentally added) raised a finger. “You’d be the captain, then?”

“I am now, I guess.”

“...oh.”

The man only nodded.

“Our, ah, our condolences,” Rarity smiled tightly.

“And congrats on the promotion!” Pinkie smiled, even as Fluttershy elbowed her gently in the ribs.

The man scowled. “I’m gonna need to talk to the law ‘bout this.”

Twilight Velvet put her hands on her hips. “What do you plan to tell them?”

“Some idiot kids blew up my property?” he gestured at the flaming castle. “And I assume killed a few people, too!”

The woman thought for a second. “You won’t be needing to do any of that,” she said, “Agent Twilight Velvet. I’m in charge of this operation.”

The man paled and started backing away. “You government mooks are recruitin’ kids now? That’s messed up, lady.”

“Be that as it may, they’re effective,” she shrugged.

Rarity cleared her throat. “I presume this means no charges are to be filed?”

A nod from the man was the last they saw of him before he turned tail and ran up the path away from the castle, muttering something about youngsters ruining the pirating industry.

Rainbow coughed.

With wide eyes, Twilight Velvet stepped off of her stomach, an apology already halfway out of her mouth before Rainbow waved it off. “It’s cool, don’t worry about it,” she croaked. “Super sick to see that in person.”

There was a tense moment once again as everyone tried very hard not to seem like they were staring at the burning wreckage. In their defence, crystal array explosions produced some interesting, and, perhaps, impossible, colours.

Rarity glanced over at Twilight Sparkle, noting the way the flaming wreckage was reflected in her eyes. The two had gone back to holding hands at some point, which served as some comfort even as Rarity attempted to slip back into the cold, calculating mindset sometimes required of the Sequined Spectre. It wasn’t that she wanted to continue antagonizing Twilight Velvet, but their current… arrangement… was untenable.

“So,” she ventured, “this was all a government-approved operation? Off the record?”

Velvet frowned, still taking in the shrapnel littering the grass before the castle. “It sort of has to be, I suppose.” She shrugged and holstered her gun. Rainbow gave a firm nod.

“Why’s that?”

“Well, we did have standing orders to take down the sky pirates,” Velvet said, “and if I count you as an outside contractor, my daughter isn’t an accessory to murder.”

Rarity appreciated the pragmatic approach, and was about to say as much when Twilight Sparkle interrupted, hand tightening around Rarity’s.

“Actually, mom, I, ahh… I may have been the one who rigged the crystal arrays.”

It was perhaps concerning how unbothered everyone was by the flash of approval in Agent Velvet’s eyes. “Did you?” she purred. “I suppose I may have some opportunities for you over the summer, then.”

“But why me, then?” Rarity narrowed her eyes, stepping towards Velvet. “You could just claim that she took the actions necessary to capture such a dangerous criminal!”

Velvet chuckled. She held up one finger, which quickly started glowing with magic. “This way, my fellow reluctant government agent,” she said, “my daughter doesn’t hate me for taking you away.” She closed the distance to Rarity as she held up a second finger. “We gain a powerful ally.” A third finger went up, and with the three glowing sparks she traced a small circle before Rarity’s eyes. “And I go full circle from my own recruitment.”

Rarity blinked. The sigil burning before her was that of The Astronomer, a legend amongst thieves and reputable mercenaries. She’d ceased all operations a long time ago, but if it truly was that she’d found a job on the side of the law…

With a gulp, Rarity nodded. “I, ah, I hadn’t given that much thought.”

A flick of her wrist dismissed the sigil, and Velvet smiled. “It’s all behind me, now. Helped with security upgrades to government facilities, new strategies for finding and capturing criminals… it’s really quite fun, darling.”

The younger thief grumbled at the unauthorised use of her schtick. Even so, she couldn’t deny that the alternative did not look appealing in the least. Sparing another glance at Twilight--wow, she really did not get tired of doing that, did she?--Rarity nodded softly.

She shook hands with Twilight Velvet, and looked at her other friends. Rainbow, Fluttershy and Pinkie were all idly sitting on the grass, having a quiet conversation. When they felt eyes on them, the three stopped and looked up.

“Ladies,” Rarity said, “shall we get going? I feel like it’s time to put this all behind us.”

Velvet nodded. “I think we’ve reached a suitable agreement. Besides, you owe my daughter a date!”

Twilight flushed. “Mom!”

As everyone laughed, Rarity simply tugged her partner closer. “She’s right, you know,” she whispered. “Hopefully no-one gets arrested this time.”