The Chapter Where Derpy Fights Her Conscience
Derpy emerged from her shelter ready to tackle another day. She flapped her wings excitedly, wanting very much to experience the joyous happenings that the ensuing 24 hours had in store. Her mind was focused on two things: the post office and the delicious muffins that she’d just consumed for breakfast. Unfortunately for her, it was not exactly pinpointed anywhere else. Then again, this is Derpy Hooves we’re speaking of. The dullest tool in the Equestrian toolshed. In terms of electricity to the cerebrum, she registers barely a blip on the volt meter. Sadly, this made her the target for a good deal of criticism. But, she was also helped and befriended by multiple ponies. Those were the ones she cared for and wanted to truly help. As morbid of a cliché as it might be, underneath her dumb exterior lay a heart of true gold.
Now, she found herself flying along towards her occupation. The post office would not have been anypony’s first choice…well, that is, except for hers. You see, her grades in school weren’t exactly up to par. She was more concerned with showing out than keeping up with her studies. Back then, she’d actually been something of an expert flyer. She was also incredibly creative, even defeating Rarity in a cart building contest when they were foals. Comic strips, artwork, even entire movie scripts had come from her busy hooves. Unfortunately, her grades fell by the wayside. Her creativity was not exactly channeled to the right outlets, either. She’d use them to belittle those she found difficult to get along with, and to show out for the stallions she liked. In other words…she was a mean mare.
When she graduated from school, she wanted very much to go to the premier flight school in Cloudsdale. Unfortunately, her grades were nowhere near acceptable enough and she was rejected. She’d wandered the streets of her cloud home, desperately seeking some sort of consolation. She didn’t find that, but she did make a new friend: an old bell that came clanging down upon her when a rather klutzy pony dropped it. This created the Derpy that we know of today: kind, sweet, with a completely ditzy personality. The doctors stated that there was nothing they could do to cure her of her sudden inability to both fly and create. So, she left Cloudsdale and moved to Ponyville, taking up the job of post office clerk as it was the only one she could do competently. She tried being a mover, but dropped a piano onto Twilight Sparkle’s head. She tried being a weather pony, but set storm clouds in the wrong spots. In short, her becoming a postal mare saved everypony’s life!
Now, she found herself buzzing along. But something was odd. She hadn’t run into a single pony yet! Normally, she’d bump into rather annoyed equines humming along on their own paths to work. But today, she’d yet to run into anypony. Confusedly, she landed at the post office, used her key to unlock the door, and went inside. She called out for her fellow employees, but received no response. Things were growing weirder by the second as she flipped the “closed” sign to “open,” and then back to “closed” again. Derpy had a habit of flipping the sign multiple times as she was entranced by the interesting coloration. Normally, her boss, Mail Order, came out and chastised her for it. But today, the stubborn mare was nowhere to be found!
As lunch came along, Derpy put up the “out to lunch” sign and jetted off towards the local Hay Burger restaurant. Her stomach growled as she imagined the tasty concoction and she attempted to burst through the door. Normally, a cheerful pony dressed in a mascot’s costume greeted every customer. This excited the filly within Derpy, and she secretly coveted every visit she made to the establishment. The atmosphere, the food, everything was absolutely wonderful. But on this day, no costumed equine was there. In fact, the door was locked tight! She tried to open it, but to no avail. She sat back and began questioning everything that had happened to her so far that day. Nopony had greeted her on the way to work, her post office had been completely deserted, nopony had come to do any kind of business, and the Hay Burger was closed!
“I wonder,” she said aloud, “…perhaps…everypony’s been kidnapped!”
NO, YOU IDIOT! A voice inside of her screamed, how many times do I have to tell ya to use logic?!
“Um…a lot?” Derpy asked.
Very good! We have a winner! The voice said sarcastically.
“Hey! I’ll have you know that I’m as smart as…as…um…who’s that purple pony that constantly saves Equestria?”
The Purple Pony Saver, the voice responded, drenched in the same tone.
“Oh, yeah!”
OH, FOR CELESTIA’S SAKE! The voice shrieked, are you really that dumb?! You got my sarcasm the first time!
“Fuck you, little tiny voice in my head!” Derpy yelled.
Fuck you! The voice shouted back
“Alright, alright, alright,” Derpy said, “let’s not argue amongst ourselves…er…myself…er…who are you, again?”
I’m your conscience! The voice said, and, unfortunately, regulations dictated my assignment to you, your dweebness.
“Why do you hate me?” Derpy asked, “I thought a conscience was supposed to help somepony.”
I didn’t asked to be paired with Bozo, The Blunder Pony! The voice spat. But, I’m here now, so I might as well help you. Listen, go up to that building over there and read the sign in the window!
So, Derpy did so. She found that she was standing in front of a bakery where a sign read, “all out of sweet treats…but still plenty of muffins!” This confused Derpy, so she sat back on her haunches and tried to figure things out. She wondered why one bakery being out of cupcakes, cake, and the like would cause the complete desertion of Ponyville! She mulled it over and over in her head, trying desperately to find some kind of solution. But she just couldn’t find anything that made sense.
Oh, for fuck’s sake! Her conscience yelled, don’t you get it?! Ponies need sweets in order to live, Derpy! It’s part of the essential Equestrian food groups! Hay Burgers, horseshoe fries, cake, cupcake, and daffodil & dandelion sandwiches!
“Oh, yeah!” Derpy said, “I forgot.”
If I had a bit for every time you said those words, the conscience muttered.
“Hey!” Derpy exclaimed.
Oh, just forget it, Derp, the conscience said, this story’s going nowhere.
“What do you mean?” Derpy asked.
Well, it was gonna be an interesting story about how you’re the last pony in Equestria because everyone else died from the lack of their main food groups. You’d be the final equine because all you ever eat are those MOTHERFUCKING MUFFINS! We’d also see how you had to do everyone’s job for them. For instance, you’d be the princess-
Suddenly, Derpy found herself in the palace in Canterlot. Her rump was seated on a plush red throne and the sun was carved into its top. To her delight, she also discovered that she’d grown a horn. She was instantly enamored with her new power, zapping magical blasts everywhere and creating muffin after muffin for her enjoyment. She gobbled them up one by one, thrilled at her new position of influence and culinary excitement.
You’d also be the main savior of Equestria.
Then, Derpy was transported deep into Tartarus where she had to fight a three-on-one battle with Chrysalis, Cozy Glow, and Tirek. Her eyes lit up as she began bolting around the room, firing magical blasts from her new horn. Cozy Glow was fairly easy to dispatch, as Derpy just turned her into muffins and devoured her. Chrysalis and Tirek were a bit more complicated, but they too, met the same fate. Muffins were the fuel that burned deep within Derpy’s flesh, driving her to a lust so great it was almost sexual.
…and you’d be everything else: the bank pony, the garbage pony, and all the actors in Applewood.
As the conscience spoke, Derpy experienced everything it said. Unfortunately, her solution to all of Equestria’s problems was to turn all things into muffins. Soon enough, Equestria itself was muffins! Needless to say, Derpy was very happy with her new surroundings. She was the only one in Equestria, she didn’t have anyone to poke fun at her, and she had all the muffins she could eat.
Unfortunately, the conscience went on, the writer of this story has a schedule to keep, so he’s not writing any of that.
“Huh?” Derpy asked as the muffins fell away from her. “NOOOOOOO! MY MUUUFFFIIIIIINNNNNNSSSSSS!”
Uh-huh, the conscience said, and that’s how the story ends.
“Isn’t that, like, really lazy storywriting?”
Yep! But, like I said, the writer has a schedule to keep. So…that’s it! Derpy’s the last pony in Equestria, and…muffins, post offices, and that one season five episode, I guess.
“What about my impending and inevitable romance with Dr. Whooves?”
Kid, let’s be honest. You’ve got jack shit to offer somepony like that.
“Aw…”
