At Least Nobody Got Top-Decked.
Cheerilee flung the door open, face contorted in something between anger and disappointment. "Alright, who did it?"
No one spoke. The first thing learned in school was to never, ever, self incriminate.
After a few agonizing moments of silence, broken only by the oddly loud clicking of the classroom clock, Cheerilee asked again. "One of you did … that … in the colt's room. So which one of you was it?"
A few more seconds passed. "Look, unless one of you fesses up, I'll just assume you're all in on it and you're all getting caned. So unless you all want to go home with red butts –"
"Not me, remember!" Diamond Tiara interjected. "Daddy's lawyer got the courts to rule that you couldn't touch me!"
Cheerilee paused momentarily, "Ok, well, everyone except Diamond Tiara will be going home with red butts, and I bet you don't want that, so just say it all ready: who did it?"
The class looked around the room at each other in growing confusion. Finally, Scootaloo asked the question on everypony's mind. "Miss Cheerilee, what are you talking about? Who did what in the colt's room?"
Cheerilee sighed. "Who – ugh – who pooped in the urinal?"
The classroom was quiet, just for a second, as every student tried to keep up the façade of seriousness. No kid can stand up to bathroom humor of that magnitude, however; they all failed, and the classroom devolved into raucous laughter.
"Hey!" yelled Cheerilee. The classroom kept laughing, except Featherweight, who just stared at the chalkboard, eyes wide. He had been doing that for the past few hours, though, so he probably wasn't reacting to the circumstances.
"HEY!" yelled Cheerilee again. Apple Bloom fell out of her desk, grasping her stomach as she sucked wind.
"HEY!" yelled Cheerilee once more, this time punctuating her exclamation by snapping a yardstick in two on her desk. That got them all to shut up.
"Now I don't know what's so funny about misusing our bathroom equipment, but, since we can't afford a janitorial staff, unless one of you little cretins admits to doing it I'm going to be cleaning that up, and I'd be much happier not having to clean your literal crap up on my Friday afternoon." Cheerilee laid a rattan cane on her desk amid the shattered pieces of yardstick. "Now, for the last time. Who. Did. It?"
Nopony spoke up, all looking increasingly nervous at the prospect of their Friday afternoon turning into a marathon session of corporal punishment. Except Diamond Tiara, of course. She looked as smug as always.
Cheerilee swept a few pieces of yardstick off her desk. "Alright, look, I don't want to spend an extra two hours here any more than you do, so I'm just going to say it. Snips, Snails, I know it was one of you, so just rat on the other one so we can all go home."
Both colts looked up in shock. "What? No, we – we didn't do anything! Why would you think that?"
Cheerilee picked up her cane, pointing towards the two slightly stinky foals. "Well, first off, it was in the colt's room, so a colt had to do it, secondly, you both disappeared during recess, so you probably did it then, and third, there's no reason to do this other than being gross, and you two are like the crown princes of gross. Now, which one of you was it?"
Snips responded first, "It wasn't either of us, Miss! I'm too short to get up there, so I couldn't have done it if I had wanted to, and Snails couldn't have done it either! He can't go at school at all, Miss! He's poop shy!"
Snails echoed his friend. "Yeah miss, I'm poop shy!"
Cheerilee face-hooved. "Poop shy, good goddess – OK, fine, sure, whatever. Where did you go during recess, then?"
Snails pointed at the Crusaders with a hoof. "Oh! We were just checking out those three's holes!"
Rumble spit out a sip of water in a magnificent spit-take. Sweetie Belle slammed her face into her desk.
Cheerilee almost managed to keep a straight face, only smirking the tiniest amount. "You were doing what exactly, Snails?"
"Yeah! They've constructed some kind of, uh, what was it Snips?"
"I think they said it was an 'underground defensive network of tunnels, storage areas, and spike pits designed to withstand and impede an occupying army,' Snails."
"Yeah! Whatever that means. I don't know what any of those words are, but it was full of a bunch of great bugs!"
Cheerilee paused for a moment to consider the potential ramifications of the Crusaders' latest nonsense, but decided that her training as a teacher did not qualify her to consider the implications of potential terrorist activities. "Uh, OK. Right. Well, that sounds far too specific to be a complete fabrication, so, uh, I guess that means it actually wasn't either of you. Guess it was another colt, then."
Rumble spoke up. "Uh, teach, isn't it awfully, um," he paused for a second, "Pre – presumptuous to assume that was one of us who did it? Seems like it's kinda stereotypical to say only a boy can be gross."
"Well, first off, excellent vocabulary choice on that one, glad to see you took today's lesson to heart, and secondly, no, I'm not saying that. I'm saying a colt did it because it's in your bathroom."
"Well, yeah, but that's because the fillies don't have a urinal to poop in! You can't pull the classic prank if you don't even have one!" responded Rumble.
"Yeah!" added Pipsqueak. "Seems a bit shifty, dunnit? Bet this is some kind of smear – heh, smear – campaign against us colts!"
Cheerilee did have to admit they raised a valid point. "Ok, ok, fine, I guess it could be one of the girls." She looked at the other side of the class. "Alright, it's not either of you, Diamond or Silver Spoon. You might be craven harlots, but this is more than a little lowbrow for both of you."
"Haha, that's right, we're above stuff like this, 'cause we're better!" exclaimed Diamond, oblivious as what "craven" meant or what a "harlot" was.
Cheerilee continued. "Quite. Dinky, you haven't left my sight all day, so it couldn't have been you, Twist, this doesn't really fit your style either –"
"Ith quite unthanitary!"
"–which leaves you three." Cheerilee sighed. "Honestly, I should have expected it was one of you three in the first place. Which one of you was it?"
The three fillies looked at each other, then back at their teacher. Apple Bloom spoke first. "Eeew, gross teach. Why would ya think one of us did it?"
"A combination of process of elimination combined with my knowledge of your extensive juvenile criminal histories, mostly." Cheerilee explained.
Scootaloo responded. "Well, yeah, but we do weird stuff to try and get our cutie marks. We're not just gross because we can be."
"Yeah! What would we have been going for, cutie marks in petty fecal vandalism? Who would have a cutie mark like that? What would that even look like?" added Sweetie Belle.
"Yep! Not something we would want, teach. Besides, we were busy all recess diggin' and preparing improvised fougasse mines, so we wouldn'a had the time. Plus, last time we tried doing anything with plumbin' was the Great Ponyville Greywater Spill, and you know that … "
Cheerilee lay her head on her desk. It was going to be a long, long, afternoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the sun set, the colts and fillies of Ponyville, now, save one, possessing thoroughly reddened rumps, started their walks back home.
"Ugh! I can't believe nobody just freakin' admitted! Now I'm gonna be late to polo again and my dad's going to flip! This is the worst day ever! Nothing could have made that worse," said Diamond Tiara.
Silver Spoon looked back at her rather rosy buttcheeks. "Well, I can think of one thing."
Diamond Tiara continued, oblivious to Silver Spoon's comment. "Anyway, who do you think actually did it? I still think it was one of the blank-flanks, although Featherweight was kinda looking at the board weird, and – "
"I did it," said Silver Spoon.
" – you can never trust Snips and Snails – wait, WHAT?"
"I did it," repeated Silver Spoon. "I pooped the urinal."
"W – wha – why – why did you –"
"I was practicing my 'head held high because I'm better than you' look when I accidentally walked into the colt's room. Just as I was about to turn around and head out, Featherweight walked in. As I have to maintain my reputation as somebody who does not and cannot make a societal faux pas, I did not apologize, nor did I show signs of regret. Instead, I did what I believed was correct for the area I was in, and, as I had never seen a urinal before, I believed that it was a multi-use receptacle, just like a normal toilet."
Diamond Tiara looked at her friend in growing horror. "So – so you just, like, backed up to it and, y'know, went?"
"Indeed, while maintaining both an utterly straight face and eye contact with Featherweight. By the growing despair on his face, I realized I had misinterpreted the use of the receptacle, but by then it was rather too late, and to admit my mistake would have been catastrophic socially."
"Good goddess, you just, like, went in front of him? While you just stared him down?"
"Correct. It was a harrowing experience for us both. I don't think he's spoken since."
Diamond Tiara shook her head. "Phew, that's – that's – dang. Wow. You pooped the urinal out of social anxiety. Huh."
"Incorrect. I pooped the urinal to establish and continue my social dominance. When one is queen, one must never admit defeat. Very different."
The two fillies stared at each other for a few moments.
"Right. Never mention this again?"
"Agreed."
Author's Note
I'm sorry.
More fics coming that aren't absolutely worthless one-shots, including more of the guerilla CMC. Get excited.
