Love Stealing Is Optimal (Twilight Sparkle Hacks the Neightrix and Tries to Invent the Singularity with Benefits)

by Mockingbirb

Rating: teen
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Other, Princess Luna, Spike, Science Fiction, Comedy, Adventure, Violence, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death
Length: 4316

Is friendship REALLY the optimal technology? What if everypony could be happier by giving up some of our yucky, old-fashioned contact with reality? Contains satire.

Is friendship REALLY the optimal technology? What if everypony could be happier by giving up some of our yucky, old-fashioned contact with reality?

A gentle satire of some science fictional ideas about "uploading" everyone's mind into a giant computer network.

Thanks go to Bananachips, who provided thoughtful preread comments that I probably misapplied.
:twilightsmile:

(As usual, I made the cover image by editing MLP screen captures. Who knew that Alicorn Twilight even HAD a black catsuit? Now she does!)

(Does not require reading "Friendship is Optimal.")

Published 2021-02-16 19:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-02-16 19:40:00 UTC

May All Your Dreams Come True

No sooner did Twilight realize she was surrounded by gelatinous green goo, than something seemed to vomit her and the goo onto a hard, stony floor.

"Ouch! And yuck. I think this is the fifth most disgusting way I've ever woken up."

Standing beside Twilight, a midnight blue alicorn whispered, "Here, We brought you a towel."

Twilight tried to dry herself off, but before she was finished, she ran out of dry towel. "I don't suppose you have another?"

The alicorn shook her head. "Hast thou any idea how hard it is to get enough clean towels while hiding in a changeling hive?"

"Lu--" A hoof over Twilight's mouth silenced her.

"Ssh!" Luna whispered. "For proper security and to hide our identities, we must use secret hacker names, not our real names. Our--that is, my--hacker name is Horseyus."

Twilight looked skeptical. She whispered, "'Horseyus?' I would have thought since you're so powerful in the world of dreams, you could at least call yourself 'Marepheus.'"

Luna snorted. "A secret hacker alias should not even reveal the hacker is a mare. Knowest thou nothing about secret hacker names?"

Twilight shrugged. "I guess not."

"Well, you need one now. Tell me your secret hacker name."

Twilight replied sarcastically, "Twilight."

At first Luna looked peeved, but after a moment her eyes widened in amazement. "Huzzah! So thou hast been in deep cover ever since before We first met thee. Thou art GOOD at this, 'Twilight.'"

"Sure. Let's go with that."

Horseyus/Luna levitated some black clothing towards Twilight. "Here," she whispered. "We brought thee a black catsuit with a black hoodie. It is good for sneaking around and hiding in the dark. And sometimes this place can be cold."

Twilight put the clothing on. "Good!" Luna said. "Now thou hast the look of a proper hacker."

"Um...why do I need to look like a proper hacker?"

Luna smiled slyly. "Great question! Let Us inform thee."

***

"So we're in a changeling hive. And years of my life have just been one long dream in a changeling pod. But my counterspell against Angel Bunny overrode the pod's mind control and got me ejected."

Luna nodded. "Right. That is why We meddled in thy dream, to coax thee to cast the spell by which thou escaped thy pod."

"Are you telling me that in the real world, I and my friends don't each have our own throne in a big magical crystal castle? And I don't also have a big house in Canterlot that I hardly ever even bother to use, with tens of thousands of wonderful books in it? And me and my best friends don't all have magical powers that we use to save Equestria from horrible monsters and terrible villains? And the fate of the entire world doesn't REALLY hinge on me as some kind of special heroine? All that stuff is just the wish-fulfillment fantasy that I now realize it so obviously looks like? In the real world, none of that stuff is true?"

"No, all those things are true in the real world also. Or they used to be, until the changeling takeover. We simply wanted to point out thou shouldst have been at least a little suspicious."

Twilight laughed. "If I just think about it, you know what's even more unlikely than all that stuff being real in one world? All that stuff being real in TWO worlds."

Horseyus looked confused. "Sayest thou this REAL world is ALSO a fake world, a ridiculous fantasy created to lull and pacify us? Now We, too, become confused."

"No!" Twilight tried to reassure Horseyus. "I'm just saying that logical thinking about what seems logically likely, and what seems like an absurd fantasy, might not quite apply here in Equestria. That's all." Twilight moved to comfort her co-conspirator, by gently curling a wing around the midnight blue alicorn's barrel. But once Twilight noticed how much goo was still stuck in her own feathers, she thought better of it.

"So," Twilight said, "you know your way around this hive pretty well, right?"

Luna nodded. "We have become very good at infiltration. Also, since all the ponies have been asleep for years, the changeling guards have grown careless. So it is not TOO hard to keep from getting captured, if we are careful."

"Good. So Horseyus, please show me the way out of this crazy place."

Horseyus looked sad. "We can show thee the way out of the hive, although the world outside this hive is not so wonderful as a pony might hope. But first, there is something we must do."

Luna's horn lit up as she telekinetically dragged a limp changeling out of the deeper shadows, and popped it into Twilight's pod. "We need to keep the changelings from noticing that thou art missing."

"Does a changeling dream pod even work on changelings?"

Luna shrugged. "It seemeth to, if thou smiteth the changeling's head hard enough, before putting the changeling into the pod."

***

"NOOO!" Twilight said. "Equestria has been turned into a burnt and blasted wasteland!"

"Worry not! Thou art only looking at the zone of desolate wasteland that surrounds the changeling hive. The REST of Equestria is only a lifeless desert because the pegasi stopped managing the weather and the sun has been gone for...a long time. So the rains stopped and everything died."

"What happened to the sun?" Twilight eyed Luna suspiciously.

"It is not Our fault! The changelings had Us dreaming for months that We were Nightmare Moon, ruling over Equestria...and there were some side effects. But We did not mean to do it!"

"So bring the sun back! Bring the sun back right now!"

"That...would not be a good idea, unless we take care to make a more complete plan first. The changelings believe We and Celestia are trapped in pods, and that they completely control the sun and moon through their mental control of Celestia. The changelings LIKE the world becoming a desolate wasteland, where ponies can only survive by entering those disgusting green dream pods, where changelings can harvest everypony's love.

"If the changelings had any clue of My escape, they would all be hunting Us down even as we speak. In the hunt, thou too wouldst probably be captured."

"So the changelings think they've already captured everypony?"

"Yes. With the exception of us two, every surviving pony is a changeling prisoner, trapped in a pod."

"But how long can those ponies stay alive? Don't the ponies starve to death, if all they do is sleep?"

Luna shivered. "The changeling pods feed ponies in their sleep. The pods run off magical energy that the changelings feed into them. And the changelings live by sucking up love energy that the pods harvest from the ponies inside."

Twilight's eyes narrowed. "That sounds kind of...how can that even work? No system can be perfectly efficient. Aren't there energy losses? Doesn't it all run down after a while?"

"Thou art USED to living in a world where everypony is powered by food grown using light energy from a sun which is operated by a magic pony princess who runs on cake, and NOW thou thinkest to question that life can run on an energy cycle that soundeth completely ridiclous? It is MAGIC, Twilight. That is all it takes to make it work: MAGIC."

Twilight sighed. "Well...okay, I guess. If you say so. But Lu--I mean, Horseyus, what can we even do, in a world that's been ruined this way?"

Luna smiled reassuringly. "Worry not. We have a plan."

***

Twilight strained to keep herself from screaming in frustration. "You think it's a a GOOD idea to build a 'resistance city' in the center of the planet?"

"Surely! That is the last place the changelings will look for us!"

Twilight looked at Luna...like she thought Luna was an idiot. "Do you have any idea how much pressure and heat there is in the center of the planet? Your city will collapse and all your ponies will be crushed into goo! Or maybe they'll flash-boil first. The point is, it's a really bad idea!"

Luna looked suspicious. "You modern-day ponies with all your fancy 'science.' But maybe thou art WRONG. Do you have any evidence at all?"

"Have you ever heard of something called a 'volcano?' There's a lot of them in the Dragonlands. Do you like to take baths in their lava, Luna?"

"WE do not...but that is not to say other ponies would not like to."

"Luna, dragon scientists have explored the volcanoes, and what they've learned is, the farther down you go, the hotter it gets."

Luna huffed. "Fine. So we shall build our resistance city in the OTHER place the changelings would never think to look."

Twilight looked skeptical. "Where's that?"

"The sun!"

Twilight laughed. But after a moment, she looked thoughtful. She said reflexively, "Spike! Get me some books on astrophysics."

Luna shook her head. "Sorry. Thy dragon is in another hive, far away. When he dreamed of having all the gems he wanted, he grew very big, and there was not room for him in this hive anymore."

"How big is he now?"

"Well...he is in a special hive...far, far away. It is earthquake resistant. Because every time he rolls over in his sleep, anything within a hundred miles gets shaken up."

Twilight snorted. "I see. The entire world is completely conquered by changelings. My dragon assistant is too big to fit into my usual workspaces anymore, but even if I try to build a new castle big enough to fit him, he would probably knock it down anyway. Your plan for a 'resistance city' is completely ridiculous, because you never studied geology, and you never figured out the sun is scorchingly hot. The only part I don't get is, why did you think it was a good idea to wake me up?"

"To fight the tyranny!"

"Luna, I spent my entire fillyhood and my life ever since then idolizing and sucking up to Princess Celestia. What made you think I was against tyranny?"

"But...Celestia is a GOOD tyranny."

"And I was perfectly happy with the current tyranny, until somepony decided it was a good idea to wake me up and deliver a lot of bad news and some stupid plans."

"If my plans are stupid, just FIX them. Thou wert always the smart one. You can do it, Twilight!"

Twilight said, "Here's what I think would be a smart plan. To harvest love, the changelings are giving everypony happy dreams. In the real Equestria, do you think everypony was happy? All the time?"

"In the real Equestria, at least miserable ponies' misery is real!"

"Whether you're dreaming a happy dream or a miserable dream, you're happy or miserable for as long as the dream lasts. At least your feelings are real." Twilight looked angry. "Ever since you woke me up, did you even THINK to ask me about my love life?"

Luna became flustered. "But Twilight! Everypony knows thou art too busy with research and studying and books to waste your time with some silly stallion!"

"His name is Rupert," Twilight said. "And he and I have been very happy together. Until you decided to wake me up, that is."

"But Twilight! Rupert is not real! The relationship is based on lies!"

Twilight snorted. "Luna, you should talk to Rarity sometime. Every relationship is initially built upon at least a bit of...artifice. Trying to put your best hoof forward, mystery and mystique, often at least a few white lies..."

"He is not real!"

"Our romance just happens to have a few MORE white lies in it than the romances you think you're used to." Twilight smiled dreamily. "But trust me, Luna, our love is MORE than worth it. The deception and fraud are matched only by the level of perfection. The life I thought I had until you woke me up? It was...OPTIMAL! Can you say that about skulking around inside a changeling hive in a dead world? Where you can't even get clean towels?"

Luna struggled. "Well...um..."

"But wait! I'm getting an even better idea!" Twilight looked excited.

"I await this idea with bated breath," Luna said.

"The only problem with the current system," Twilight explained, "is the shortcomings and vulnerabilities that come with living in individual physical bodies. First, suppose we injected Chrysalis with hormones that forced her brain to swell up into a giant superbrain? Suppose we did that to all the changelings?"

Luna said dryly, "I think they might outsmart us. If you make them too smart, they might even outsmart us and destroy us without meaning to, as a side effect of their trying to do whatever it is that changeling superbrains try to do. Rather as you or I might carelessly step on an ant."

"But wait, there's more!" Twilight insisted. "Changelings instinctively feed on love, right? They absorb it from ponies. They could hardly keep themselves from doing it even if they wanted to!"

"And this is a GOOD thing?"

"So what if we supercharged their love absorption organs, too? We could make them so powerful that instead of only absorbing love, they would start absorbing all the other feelings, too! And all the thoughts!"

Luna looked astonished. "Thou WANTEST some changeling to suck all the thoughts out of thine head?"

"I haven't finished yet! We should connect all the changeling superbrains together, so that whatever one knows, they all know. Once everything in your head has been absorbed by a changeling, it's like you're inside the changeling. And when all the changelings share all their thoughts and everything they know, it's like you're in all the changelings at once! You can be everyplace at once, like a goddess!"

Luna cleared her throat. "Some ponies think We are already like a goddess."

"But this way, Spike and Scootaloo could be like goddesses too! Because everything about them would be inside the heads of so many changelings all over the world!" Twilight stopped for a moment. "Potentially, anyway. If I can make it work."

Luna looked...amused. "We think thou confuse the IDEA of a thing, with the thing ITSELF. A thousand years ago, the philosopher Birchup Burpley made a similar mistake. He thought if a concept was held in a sufficiently powerful and perfect mind, that would be the same as the thing DESCRIBED or REPRESENTED by the concept actually EXISTING." Subtly, Luna's eyes focused on her visualizations of history, rather than upon the material things in front of her. "And before him, there was Ain't-Ants-In-My-Helm, who said the best possible chocolate sundae is perfect in every way, and truly existing is a necessary part of being perfect. So once thou dost imagine the best possible chocolate sundae, the sundae already exists, by definition. Or so that silly pony said." Luna licked her lips. "That pony spent a LOT of time thinking about chocolate ice cream."

Twilight argued, "But the difference is, you can't perfectly imagine an EXPERIENCE, without experiencing it while you're imagining it! So for as long as a swollen, bloated network of changeling brains imagines being us? The EXPERIENCE of being us will still exist! And what IS each of us, but somepony who experiences being ourselves? Build a properly telepathic network of changeling brains, breed new changeling queens to replace or augment the old ones as they grow old, and everypony can become immortal! Even Scootaloo!"

Luna shivered. "I am not sure Chrysalis can understand what it is truly like to be thou, or to be a pony at all. We are not sure she will ever be able to comprehend such a thing, no matter how much thou dost inject her with hormones to make her head swell up. Thou art placing an enormous amount of faith in her ability to fully comprehend and imagine such things. And in thine own ability to flawlessly make her do it, and to prevent her from ever changing her mind." Luna eyed the junior alicorn searchingly. "Art thou flawless, Twilight?

Luna continued, "When the changeling queen hath absorbed thou or eaten thou, who is to watch her and make sure she performs correctly? Who is to correct her if she makes a mistake? If she forgets thee, or merely misremembers, who is to remind her of her duty to do as thou wishest her to? As thou DIDST wish her to do, We should say, before thou willingly sacrificed thyself for the sake of thy mad imaginings.

"Twilight, We chose thee to awaken first, because We knew thou wert very, very clever...a magical genius. And thou art the most magically powerful pony other than Celestia. We dared not wake up my sister, for We knew the changelings would immediately miss her, and would come after us. But We could dare to wake thee.

"But We also knew, thou wert...We believe the modern word is, neurotic. That thou couldst be mentally unstable. But We had not properly reckoned with the likelihood that spending years in an unreal dream world could render thee outright insane."

"Hey!" Twilight complained. "I am NOT insane. My sanity is just as sound as the next pony. Just ask Rupert!"

Luna gave Twilight a sardonic look.

"Just because Rupert doesn't technically exist doesn't mean he isn't a good character witness! He has excellent judgement!" Twilight insisted angrily. "Once I've done plenty of unnatural experiments on Chrysalis and the other changelings to upgrade the dream world and create my dream utopia, ponies won't be discriminated against just because they're not real! Rupert will be accepted and loved, because he's just as good a pony as anypony else! Even better than some ponies!" Twilight pointed a forehoof at Luna.

"It's easy to be a good pony," Luna remarked, "when thou need not make the inconvenient choices that are part of existing."

"You don't understand the first thing about Rupert and how much better than you he is!"

Luna snorted. "The Princess of Dreams wouldn't, would We? Little snooky-buns?"

Twilight reared up angrily. "You've been eavesdropping on us! You're jealous of us! Jealous of a love more perfect than you'll ever have! A love you'll never understand!"

Luna said, "If only We DIDN'T know what it's like. Thou and thine Rupert...thou and a million other ponies constantly dreaming of their disgustingly self-indulgent little OCs. Dost thou know what it is like to have a million ponies constantly broadcasting the amplified power of their dreams through those dream pods, out into the world at large, and to be attuned to the world of dreams as We are? It's like a million ponies whispering their sweet nothings into Our ear. Revolting, unrealistic, self-indulgent, nauseating...stuff." Luna shook her head. "We would do anything to escape it. Almost anything."

"The answer is easy," Twilight said. "You can't take a million ponies' sweet words of love? You need something to drown that out? Just seduce Chrysalis. She's the perfect opposite of all that. You want an antidote? She's there waiting for you."

Twilight continued, "And when you've distracted her? I can sneak up behind her and give her the first injection! It's a totally win-win scenario!"

"Thou art not merely insane," Luna said. "Thou hast gone so far around the bend that thou seemeth almost to make sense again. Not mere insanity, but thou maketh insanity sound almost believable."

Twilight shrugged. "You're the one who called me a genius."

"Indeed We did. But We think instead of succumbing to thine insanity, We shall instead go wake up some other pony. Somepony who might be sane. Maybe Applejack. She seems pretty level-headed."

"You think so, do you?" Twilight challenged Luna, "Why don't you tune into her dreams right now, and see what you find out?"

"Fine!" Luna replied. She half-closed her eyes, and slipped into a dreamlike state. "Oh NO. We simply CANNOT EVEN. No. We refuse to talk about it."

Twilight laughed. "I know that mare better than you do. She likes hard work, and simple pleasures. And lots OF them."

Luna sank down onto her plot. "We shall think of some other pony to awaken. Somepony who is better at picking building sites than We are." She leaned back against a large rock. Unfortunately, it tipped over, falling with a crash.

"Hush," Twilight said. "You might attract the attention of a changeling guard. Or even worse, you might wake ponies." Twilight looked around at subtle movements in the dark shadows. "Speak of the--" Something grabbed Twilight from behind.

All You Need Is Love

Twilight slowly awoke in her bed at the Castle of Friendship. She heard a familar voice from outside the room. "Twilight?" Spike said. "I brought you breakfast in bed."

Twilight slowly stretched. "Oh, Spike, you're so thoughtful. Unlike SOME ponies. Come in."

The door opened, letting Twilight see a tray of delicious-smelling food, carried by a creature with a shiny, smooth, colorless face. Nasty-looking fangs protruded from the face's mouth.

"NOOOO!" Twilight shouted. "The world IS controlled by changelings! It was real!" She fainted.

Spike pulled off his changeling mask and yelled, "Rainbow! It worked, but not the way we wanted it to. She was so scared she fainted!"

Rainbow walked into the room. "Ha ha ha! We pranked her good!"

"TOO good," Spike complained. "When she wakes up, she's going to be SO MAD."

Rainbow shrugged. "I'll be long out of here by the time she wakes up. Unless I think of a good idea to double-prank her when she wakes up the second time!" Rainbow leaped into the air, excitedly flying around the room. "What would be a good follow-up?"

"Great idea, Rainbow," Spike said sarcastically. "You can do that, while I find somewhere to hide."

"Right, Spike! The prank will probably work better if she doesn't see you."

Spike huffed in exasperation. "Or maybe I should stay here, just to keep an eye on you." He glared at Rainbow. "Doesn't it make you think about how you live your life, when a baby dragon has to be the responsible grown-up around here?"

"I'm plenty responsible! I work a job as a weather pegasus! I have my own cloud house! I clean it up myself...mostly...often enough that it's hardly ever completely full of pizza boxes!"

Spike shouted, "That's because after a while, the pizza boxes just drift down through the cloud floor and litter the whole field under your house! That's not responsibility! That's the exact opposite of responsibility!"

Twilight started to move languidly. "Ha," she said.

Spike ran to her side. "Twilight? Are you ok?"

Twilight smiled. "I just had a really weird dream." She opened her eyes. "Should I tell Rupert?"

Spike reached out to touch her hoof. "Who's Rupert?"

Twilight grinned. "That's a relief. So the whole thing really was a dream, from Rupert on."

Rainbow asked, "Who's Rupert?"

Twilight insisted, "That's not important. What's important is, I'm awake now. In a world where I have the best friends ever. And I love them and they love me."

Spike hugged Twilight. "We sure do! You're my best big sister ever! Except maybe if I count dragons and FOSTER FOSTER sisters. Because Ember's pretty cool too."

Twilight snorted. "I guess I'm okay with maybe being number two, if it means I'm a FOSTER FOSTER FOSTER sister to the queen of the Dragonlands. Really, once I became an alicorn it was probably inevitable. Everypony says royalty are kind of inbred."

Twilight turned towards Rainbow, which involved constant additional movements as the pegasus kept flitting around the room. "So how about you, awesome pegasus? Aren't you happy to have friends who LOVE YOU?"

Rainbow blushed. "You know I'm not into mushy stuff, Twilight."

Twilight snorted. "Says the pony who isn't afraid to scare the wingfeathers off me before I even finish waking up. But saying 'I love you too?' THAT'S too tough for her to handle!"

Rainbow blushed more deeply. "See you later!" she shouted as she flew out of the room. Judging by the echoing thuds, she didn't crash into the walls more than two or three times as she fled.

Author's Note

"Friendship is Optimal" is also a story.

Twilight Follows the White Rabbit Into a Different Story Altogether

Twilight Sparkle ran through the streets of Ponyville, pursuing an ill-tempered white rabbit. The rabbit pointed a scroll at a raspberry-coated, amber-maned mare with a lily in her hair. He seemed to whisper something to her as he passed.

The mare flopped over onto her side. "The horror! The horror!" she shouted, waving her hooves ineffectually at Twilight as the alicorn ran past.

"Ha!" Twilight said. "Whatever your evil plan is, it's failing! Give up now!"

Angel Bunny turned a corner and ran towards Ponyville's Morning Market. As Twilight pursued, he ran amongst the market stalls and crowds, and waved his scroll. Dozens of ponies forgot their errands and their business, and turned as one towards Twilight Sparkle.

One said in a monotone voice, "Kill the alicorn, cartoonishly so it doesn't seem like real violence."

Another said, "Get anvil. Crush pony."

For a moment, Derpy Hooves' expression turned blank and zombielike, and her eyes converged on Twilight. But the pegasus shook her head vigorously, and her eyes returned to Derpy-normal. "What's wrong with you ponies? It's like you don't have any practice at all at second-guessing any really stupid idea that pops into your heads." Derpy rubbed her head with one forehoof. "So much practice..."

A third pony said, "A blonde-maned pegasus heretic! Stuff flowers down her throat until she chokes."

Derpy screamed, "Help me!"

"This shall not stand!" Twilight exclaimed. Magic swirled around her horn in a glowing cloud. "I shall dispell all brainwashing and mind control, with the most powerful spell of mental freedom ever known to alicornkind!"

In a bright flash of light, the world around Twilight disappeared.