Flim & Flam's ad-stravaganza!

by TechnoNerd

Rating: teen
Tags: Narcotics, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Flim and Flam, Random
Length: 1006

capitalism.

This story description, and by extension, this written work, have hereby been repossessed by the Flim & Flam corporation as collateral for the failure of the author to repay his loan of one (1) firstborn child. As such, until its auction, Flim & Flam corp. shall hereby be the sole operator of this work, and may use it as they see fit, whether it be for advertising purposes, the telling of stories, advertising purposes, or advertising purposes.

call now and get our fire deal on toasters that start fires

CONTENT WARNINGS: as-seen-on-TV advertisements in written form, scammy practices, the sale of your remaining shreds of sanity to the highest bidder, hypercapitalism, the crushing of the competition under the corporate might of Flim & Flam corp., plans for the corporate takeover of Equestria, and an unexpected vibe-check.

Now with a Youtube reading!

Published 2021-02-22 09:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-02-22 09:10:00 UTC

Act fast while supplies last!

"Hey, you! Yeah, you!" Flim's hoof shot through your screen and booped you on the nose. He wiggled his eyebrows as he leaned charmingly back into the screen, posing against some random filly's lemonade stand. "You lookin' for a good time?"

"I'LL SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME!" Flam screeched behind Flim in his monster truck that was totally not bought using fraudulent loans. It proceeded to crush the lemonade stand and Flim. "THIS BAD BOY CAN HOLD ALL YOUR VALUABLES! GOT A REFRIGERATOR? IT'LL FIT!"

A refrigerator fell on top of the monster truck. We do not speak of the ominously hovering filly wielding the powers of an elder god. That's just the power of her cutie mark that she just discovered during the collision with the monster truck that really should've isekai'd her somewhere.

"THE WORLD'S LONGEST BAGUETTE? WE'LL MAKE IT FIT!"

Faraway, a cannon shot could be heard. It only took a moment before it shot through the monster truck, narrowly missing Flam and impaling the refrigerator with deadly accuracy.

"GRANDMA'S DENTURES?"

Granny Smith rolled down the window in the back seat and dabbed.

"SCREW THE DENTURES, WE CAN FIT THE ENTIRE GRANNY! BACK TO YOU, FLIM!"

"H...hospital..." Flim rasped, crawling out from beneath the rubble of the lemonade stand. Also, the filly running it was Flurry Heart, so she's perfectly fine because she probably would be more likely to cause the heat death of the universe singlehandedly (singlehoofedly?) than to ever be harmed by a mere mortal machine such as a monster truck.

"Hospital? Oh, yes, hospitals!" Flam grinned, staring directly back at the camera that you are continuing to see the recorded footage from. "I personally went ahead and acquired every major hospital, pharmaceutical company, and pharmacist for the sole purpose of terminating them! Why? Because who needs a functioning medical system when you have the FlimFlam bros.-brand miracle cure! It cures all your ailments, no matter what they are!"

Flam grabbed his brother by the face and pulled him out, stuffing a hoof-ful of sugar pills in his mouth. "And now, by the miraculous power of the placebo effect... er, the FlimFlam bros.-brand miracle curetastic, he is cured!"

Flim flopped like a fish to the floor.

"Uhm... paid acting! No worries, he's fine." Flam kicked his brother aside. "Just listen to all our satisfied customers who used the FlimFlam bros.-brand miracle curetasticariffic!"

The camera remained on Flam for a few more seconds. The stallion frowned, stomping somewhere off-screen. You could clearly hear him slap somepony. Quickly, the camera cut to a sock puppet.

"I used the FlimFlam bros.-brand miraculous curetasticariffic every day for a month, and now, I feel light as a feather!" not-Flam the sock puppet cheered, sprouting little sock wings and taking to the air--with Flam still attached.

The next shot was of a local Supreme™ brick. It proceeded to be sold for zero f:yay:cks.

Another shot. This time of Twilight Sparkle sleeping. Flam pulled back the drapes, shushing the camerapony. In the background, a flying sock puppet returned to its brethren of flying sock-bird puppets. Twilight let out a loud snore.

"As you can see here," Flam whispered, pulling out an entire jar of sugar pills, some of them shaped oddly like Flintstones gummy vitamins. "The Princess of Friendship is having some trouble sleeping. With the single-dose FlimFlam bros.-brand miraculous curetasticarrific with extra flavor burst™, her snoring days will be over, once and for all!"

He dropped the entire jar into Twilight's open mouth and proceeded to be banished into the nearest black hole.

"At last, my brother has perished!" Flim cackled, rising from the depths of the kiddie splash pool. "I have been unshackled! All these years of living under the shadow of the mighty Flam, erased! I shall immediately reap what has been sown, and sell it at a ridiculous markup!"

Flam walked up beside his brother and smacked him upside the head with his long, spaghettified hoof. Flam is now canonically longer than Long Starlight.

So anyway, what were we talking about again?

Oh yeah. Advertising.

"Hey, you there! Random stranger!" Flim shouted. "Would you like to try our new Easy-Peasy Cider-Squeezy 8000? It's just like the model we showcased back at Sweet Apple Acres, except better, because now you can make cider out of anything!"

Flam gasped a l o n g gasp. "Anything?"

"Anything!"

"Anything?"

"Anything!"

"Any--"

Flim stuffed his brother into the machine and made Flam cider. A raisin-ified Flam stumbled back around. You're welcome for both of those mental images, by the way.

As far as the random stranger goes, that mare didn't want any of it. Not the machine, not the Flam cider, nothing.

"BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!" Flim and Flam shouted in unison. Flam stretched his body to the mare and yeeted her back in front of the machine.

"Not only does this machine make cider, but it can also cure baldness, relieve carpet burn, boost your internet speed, turn your eardrums into subwoofers, un-nugget your chicken, and--"

"Wait..." the mare raised a brow. "Did you say... boost my internet speed?"

Flim nodded excitedly. "Yes, and much, much more! All at the low, low price of one human soul!"

"Or your firstborn child!" Flam added. "Always need to remember the firstborn child!"

"Or both your kidneys!" Flim continued the chain. "Throw in half of your liver and you've got a deal!"

The mare put a hoof to her chin in thought. She thought and thought and thonked and thonked and t h o n k e d until she came to her final payment decision.

"I'll buy using a soul."

"Oh?" Flim raised a brow. "But you are a horse! Horses do not have human souls!"

The mare smirked. "You never said it has to be mine. I have a little trick I learned from you two for that..."

You see, dear reader, this is where we come full-circle. Remember how Flim booped you on the nose through your screen earlier?

Yeah.

Run.