Cozy Glow, Professional Smol Assassin

by Mockingbirb

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Other, Prince Blueblood, Cozy Glow, Violence, Princess Celestia, Death
Length: 2119

Before the School of Friendship, Cozy Glow tried to become an orphan.

Before the School of Friendship, Cozy Glow tried to become an orphan.

(Story image is a cropped MLP show screencap from https://derpibooru.org/images/2246876)

Published 2021-02-19 19:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-02-19 19:00:00 UTC

"Being Smol Is All It Takes..."

In the alley's darkness and stench, Cozy Glow buzzed her wings with excitement. "I trust you brought the standard package," she said in her high-pitched, childish voice.

A trenchcoat-wrapped stallion hoofed over a large envelope.

Cozy opened the envelope and riffled through the contents. "The target's name, address, personal information...looks like everything's there. And I already checked my account: your deposit cleared yesterday. We're all good." She smiled. "Just one more thing."

The stallion asked, "Didn't I already give you everything?"

In a saccharine tone, Cozy said, "In the course of my contract, I might have to...destroy some evidence. Somepony might find out about our little deal. If they talk, they could get me in trouble."

The stallion waved a forehoof. "Are you trying to charge extra? Because I already paid you plenty."

"Don't worry," Cozy said with a wide-eyed look of exaggerated innocence. "It's already taken care of."

The stallion looked down at the blood leaking from his stomach. "Oh. I see. I suppose I AM a potential witness--" He fell to the alley's rough, dirty pavement, cracking his skull.

"I am GOOD!" Cozy bragged to herself. "But I always complete a contract, even if the client isn't still alive to check up on my work. Let's see who I get to kill next." She reinspected the envelope's contents.

***

Cozy's back carried a basket a little bigger than her own tiny self, as she walked up to the enormous mansion's front door. "Darn," she said, "It's cold out here." She dumped the basket onto the front steps, righted it, and hopped in. She nestled among the blankets within.

"I sure hope these ponies find me soon." She reached out of the basket with one hoof, picked up a bit of gravel, and threw it at the doorbell. The doorbell didn't sound.

She tried again, striking the doorbell dead center, but with no result.

"How can such rich ponies have such a cheap, cruddy doorbell?" she asked. She picked up another piece of gravel and threw it at a window. With a crash and a tinkling, a pane of glass broke.

A moment later, lights started to come on. After another minute, the door opened. "Waaah!" Cozy Glow cried. "Waaaaah!"

"Oh, you poor dear," Celestia said. "Did somepony abandon you? Let's bring you into my humble castle, and warm you right up."

"Yes!" Cozy said to herself. "I'm in!"

***

Minutes later, Cozy Glow was in a situation some ponies her age would find embarrassing, most would find completely mortifying, and a very few would find far more gratifying than they should.

Cozy Glow, however, took a professional attitude. Her only feeling was a quiet satisfaction that her ruse was working.

Being wrapped in a diaper, being cuddled and bottle-fed warm formula? She was willing to do anything, put up with any hardships to succeed. Compared to the time she crawled through three miles of barbed wire and swam up three more miles of sewers, just to assassinate Prince Blueblood's older brother on the toilet? This was a piece of cake.

Like taking candy from a baby, but even easier. Because her target brought the candy to her, and insisted she take a big, delicious bite.

***

Six months later, Celestia said, "I just don't know what's wrong. She doesn't appear obviously unhealthy. But in half a year, she's only put on two pounds, and hasn't grown taller at all. That's not normal."

Luna clucked her tongue sympathetically. "What do the doctors say?"

"I must have taken her to half the doctors in Canterlot. There was one more specialist I WANTED to take her to, an endocrinologist...but he died mysteriously the day before the appointment. A tragic loss."

"That's very sad. Isn't there anycreature else who can help you?"

Celestia shook her head. "I don't think so. And it's such a shame, too. Just when I've been preparing to finally change my will, to make sure little Gleam would be taken care of if anything happened to me."

Silently, Cozy thought, "Yes!" But then she stopped cheering. Was she going to be left out of the will, just because she wasn't growing bigger?

Luna said, "If she's sickly, surely she needs her future to be provided for. Even more so."

Celestia nodded. "Yes. That's still taken care of. When she turns eighteen, she'll inherit the usual daughter's portion and dowry. But if she never grows any bigger, she'll never be able to do the work of a proper noble. So there's no point in making her the heir of any high title. That would be far too much burden for such a tiny, weak little creature."

Cozy raged. Just because she was forever the size of a foal, and wasn't growing any bigger, she wouldn't inherit the crown and rule all of Equestria? That wasn't fair at all! Cozy had earned world domination fair and square, by tolerating that officious, pestering, eternally mothering giant alicorn for a whole six months! And now it was for nothing, except a future inheritance that Cozy might or might not ever be able to collect.

Fortunately, Cozy had a good idea for taking out her anger. She would just go back to her original plan, and fulfill the contract. Celestia's death would be an excellent notch on Cozy's dagger, so to speak.

"Darn," she said to herself, "It's sad when I'm forced to go back to earning an honest living, and fulfill the contract by killing the target just because she's SO BUCKING ANNOYING." She screamed with frustration.

From the next room, Celestia called out, "What's that, Warm Shine? Do you need something?" The alicorn trotted into the room, and picked up her little adopted daughter. "You look ok. Your diaper isn't wet. Are you hungry?" Celestia offered a bottle, but Cozy's lips refused it. "I guess I don't know what you want."

Vengenance, Cozy thought to herself. Vengeance for every single second of six wasted months.

***

Being a pegasus was convenient sometimes. True, Cozy couldn't always fly when she sneaked in and out of the castle. That would be too conspicuous. But she still knew that if she fell from the vines that hid her as she climbed, she could stop her fall with her wings instead of plummeting to her death.

As two hooves in the vines supported her, another hoof carefully jimmied open her nursery window. In moments, she was inside. She walked through the night-darkened castle halls, and to the kitchen. There she found a cake. Chocolate vanilla cherry, Celestia's favorite kind! This would literally be a piece of cake.

Cozy injected a tasteless, odorless, colorless poison into the cake. Very soon, Cozy's contract would be fulfilled.

***

Celestia looked around the banquet hall, at the dozens of ponies slowly collapsing. She rang a bell. "Waiter!" she shouted.

"What?"

"Bring two hundred paramedics, stat! And stop serving dessert. It doesn't seem to be going down well."

"Yes, your highness." The waiter ran out of the room.

At the end of the night, high diplomats from several different countries were pronounced dead, along with many miscellaneous Equestrian nobles and dignitaries. Only Celestia and her fellow alicorn Luna had survived the dinner.

For once, even the gossips hardly knew what to say. But everypony seemed to think it looked like trouble.

***

Prince Blueblood relaxed in his bath. Something put pressure on his neck. Was somecreature trying to strangle him? He started to raise his hooves, but a soft, high-pitched voice stopped him with two words: "It's Cozy."

His eyes opened to see a tiny, foal-sized pegasus. One forehoof held both ends of a garotte, and the other held a dagger.

Blueblood smiled with a calm he did not feel. "Hello, Cozy. I'd like to say you're looking well. But the truth is, I don't think a diet of all foal formula all the time suits you. You're looking a little...pudgy." He smirked.

Cozy snorted. "You're lucky I know what a contemptible pony you are, or maybe you would be able to hurt my feelings."

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?"

"I don't like my current situation. I've decided to fulfill my contract."

Slowly and carefully, Blueblood shrugged. "What's that to me? So do it. Unless I'm the target, of course. But isn't my insurance policy with you all paid up?"

Cozy grimaced. "If Celestia were to die...what would that mean for your own prospects?"

"It wouldn't do me much good, I fear. Equestria is a very sexist place. They would never accept a mere unicorn stallion on the throne. And there's the minor problem of how to handle the sun and moon, of course."

Cozy sneered. "Are you telling me you're CHICKEN, Prince Blueblood?"

"Merely realistic. I have nothing to gain from her death, and much to lose. If somepony assassinates Aunt Celly, the sun won't set on Equestria until the killer is caught. If Celestia is your target, I advise you to break your contract."

Cozy stared into Blueblood's eyes. Her hoof very slightly twisted the garotte. "You know something you're not telling me, Blueblood. Out with it."

The unicorn prince sighed. "If you truly want to, shall we say, change Celestia's circumstances? There is ONE power which might be able to equal Celestia's...and maybe even move the sun and moon, which would be a handy thing for any usurper."

"What is it? How do I get it?"

"You might have heard of the Elements of Harmony, and the power of friendship."

"Government propaganda!" Cozy said angrily. "You don't conquer your enemies with cute song-and-dance numbers and the power of FRIENDSHIP! Friendship is for weaklings who can't take what they want by force."

"As that may be. But I do know of some ponies who claim to offer a path to this power. Even if they're lying...even if they're faking...they might have some kind of clue, if you can properly use them. Even if it's a sham, it might offer you a way to get at some powerful, important ponies who are involved."

Cozy gritted her teeth. "Stop obfuscating, and TALK."

"One way to gain access to some friends of Princess Twilight Sparkle herself, would be to apply to what she calls her School of Friendship. If the school is what it claims to be, you might learn to wield the Elements of Harmony. Even if it's a fake, some of her friends teach there. One way or another, I think a pony as resourceful as yourself could hardly lose by going there." He smiled. "Surely you have as much confidence in yourself as I have."

"Fine!" Cozy Glow said. "Tell them...I'm a long-lost niece of yours. Drop a hint or two, that if they teach true friendship to me, maybe I'll teach it to you. Make them think they can tame you through me. Use all the advantages you can, to get me into this...school."

As the pressure on the garotte relaxed slightly, Blueblood took a deep breath. "Grand-niece...if you're to play that part at all convincingly. It hardly befits a grand-niece of mine to visibly threaten my life, in the bath or elsewhere. The way of nobility is to threaten another pony's life with such subtlety that any witness cannot attest with confidence that potential fatalities were even alluded to."

Cozy sighed. "Fine." She removed her weapons from Blueblood's neck, and hid them away. "Are you satisfied?"

"It's a good first lesson. If you are to properly play the part of my grand-niece, there are many other lessons to be learned." He grinned. "While you're here...why not scrub my back? I trust if you truly wanted to put a dagger in it, I would already be dead. So in a way, you're the safest bath assistant I could choose from among all Equestria."

"Fine," Cozy Glow agreed. She picked up a scrub brush shaped like a duck. "But afterwards...I could use a bath myself. I had to do a lot of sneaking and creeping just to get in here."

Blueblood nodded. "For as long as you hold up your end of our alliance, I shall always treat you as a lady and a relative. Getting you properly cleaned and dressed in the style of nobility is only one early move in a very long game."

The two ponies shook forehooves. "Pleasure doing business with you," Cozy said. "May our deal last forever."

Author's Note

I'm certainly not the only person to toy with the idea that Cozy Glow might be (at least somewhat) older than she looks. AlwaysDressesInStyle wrote a rather different story about that: "If You Could Read My Mind."