The Greatest Story Ever Written
Dead ponies lay about. The blood seeped into the ground, staining it like cherry kool-aid stains white cloth. How did this happen? Why am I writing this? Who am I? What’s the meaning of life? Do these pants make my nose look fat? All of this and more will be found out when one reads further into the story.
I guess you may want to know who I am. I’m Poisonblade Deathwish, a friendly alicorn with a terrible past, one filled with death, lost love, and death. Also, did I mention I have an awesome spiked up mane, which is red and black, a totally cool spiked out tail, which is red and black, and I have awesome stripes all along my black coat, which are red. I’m the son of Celestia and Discord, who was frozen in time by Nightmare Moon right before she was banished to serve as a backup guard and lover for when she returned. When I was awoken by Princess Celestia, I was disappointed to find out that Luna had left me behind.
“I’m sorry, Poisonblade. But my sister has moved on.” I cried tears of blood, because I’m cool that way. I stretched out my totally badass wings, and flew away to Ponyville, to start my new life.
Upon landing, I noticed right away that something was wrong. Twilight Sparkle was crying. “Why are you crying, Twilight Sparkle?” Twilight wiped a tear from her eye.
“Oh, Poisonblade Deathwish, I’m sad because I recently broke up with Rainbow Dash, who left me for Rarity. Now I am sad because I have no pony to love me!”
I smiled devilishly. “Well, you’re in luck. I too have been recently heartbroken. We should totally make out.” And we did and it was hot.
After I had sex with her, I flew around the town to get revenge on Rainbow Dash for breaking Twilight’s heart, when I heard the Cutie Mark Crusaders cry out for help. I swooped down and saw that they were being attacked by giant pumpkins. Good thing I knew Jujitsu.
I beat the crap out of the pumpkins, then made out with Scootaloo. And it was hot.
“So girls, what happened here?”
Sweetie Belle spoke up. “These giant pumpkins came out of nowhere and attacked us! Good thing you smashed them!”
I grinned, and put on a pair of sunglasses. “I guess you could say I was... Smashing Pumpkins!”
The Cutie Mark Crusaders looked at me, confused. “It’s a band,” I told them.
Anyway, I knew I needed to go and find the King of the Pumpkins to put an end to this madness. So I flew the Cutie Mark Crusaders to safety, then went into town to gather up the Elements of Harmony to prepare for the epic battle.
Once all the elements were together, I had Rarity and Pinkie Pie make out because it was hot. Then, we went off to find the King of Pumpkins.
After much long searching, we came across an old evil. Slendermane, who was being helped by three changlings.
“We must defeat this evil! Kill them with fire, then consume their ashes!” Pinkie yelled, extremely out of character.
I nodded, and thrust my giant flaming sword which spits acid that I can conjure out of thin air right into three of the changlings. Rarity began to cry.
“Rarity, why are you crying?” I asked blandly. Rarity sniffled, then looked up at me.
“Because... you killed my brethren!” She began to morph, and change into a strange being.
I gasped. “Rarity... you’re a changeling?” I was considering making out with her, but insects aren't as sexy as I thought they would be. “What a totally unexpected plot twist!”
“Well, what should we do with her now, totally awesome and sexy alicorn leader?” Rainbow Dash asked, also out of character.
“I think we should kill her. It’s the right thing to do,” I explained nobly. Everypony except Dashie agreed with me instantly.
“I’m sorry, no matter how sexy and awesome you are, I can’t let you kill my waifu. She’s Elijah’s OTP.”
I narrowed my eyes in a very badass way. “I have no idea who this ‘Elijah’ is, but I’ll tell you what. If I can beat you in a race, I get to kill Rarity.”
“Agreed.” Rainbow Dash shook my hoof, and we got ready to race.
Haunching down, we sped off. Rainbow Dash was fast, but no match for me. I overtook her in ten seconds flat. Rainbow Dash pumped her wings faster, but I left her behind in the dust. Then, I hit the max speed, and I created a “blazing rainboom”. It’s like a sonic rainboom, but with totally badass flames shooting off of it.
I landing with ease next to Rainbow Dash. She was laying on the ground, completely worn out. I hadn’t even broken a sweat.
“H..how... did you...” the tired pegasus began to stammer, but I put my hoof in her mouth to silence her.
“Because I’m the best,” I said humbly. “I’m the best there ever was.”
Complying to our agreement, Rainbow Dash didn’t protest when I killed Rarity. A quick, swift chop to the neck banished that abomination from our lives. Fluttershy cried a bit, but after I made out with her a few times she got over it.
“Alright, now we have to confront the King of-”
The ground began to shake, and suddenly, from the bowels of the earth, came a giant pumpkin with a tiny crown perched precariously on his head.
“I am the Pumpkin King! I shall destroy all of you!” The Pumpkin King created vines that shot out of the ground, ensnaring my five companions.
“This would be super hot if I didn’t want to kill you right now!” I conjured my flaming sword, and I beat the crap out of the Pumpkin King. Inches away from death, I spared him, because I’m kind and benevolent that way.
“I shall let you live... for now.” The Pumpkin King kissed my hooves.
“Oh thank you, thank you!”
“But tell me,” I said to the giant vegetable. “Who sent you?”
“It was-” The Pumpkin King exploded into a large mess of pumpkin pie. Standing behind him was a figure I hoped to never see again.
“Discord...” I growled, shooting flames from my eyes. “This ends now!” My flaming sword turned into a lightsabre with no explanation whatsoever, and Discord pulled his lightsabre out too. Mine was red with a black handle, because those are the bestest colors ever.
Discord and I battled for a few moments, before he chopped off my hoof. I fell to the ground in pain.
“Poisonblade...” the lord of chaos said dramatically. “I... AM... YOUR FATHER!”
“NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!” I screamed, and lunged at him with my lightsabre. I pierced his stomach, and he died forever. My hoof grew back because I’m awesome that way.
Luna flew down from the sky and announced to all the ponies in Equestria. “Poisonblade Deathwish hath slain the evil Discord! Let him be forever remembered! This day will henceforth be known as ‘Poisonblade is Totally Awesome and he is the Sexiest Alicorn’ Day!”
“Let’s throw a party!” Applejack said, and everypony agreed. Rainbow Dash just cried.
I turned to Luna. “So... Luna...”
Luna looked at me, and I looked away.
Then we made out. And it was hot.
Oh yeah.
P.S. Also, Trollestia got her cake.
