Twilight Takes a DNA Test

by Dewdrops on the Grass

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2428

She really should've expected these results.

She really should've expected these results.

Now featuring a reading by StraightToThePoint Studio! Thank you to them. :twilightsmile:

Angel Midnight wrote an unofficial sequel called The Royal Sisters Take A DNA Test. Go read it. :pinkiehappy:

And if you wish to write your own sequel you may go ahead. All I ask is that you provide me a link when you post it. :pinkiesmile:

Published 2021-02-20 04:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-02-20 04:20:00 UTC

Why Would You Expect Anything Else?

Twilight stared blankly at the test results floating before her, her muzzle crinkled in bemusement. Her ears drew back. Her left eye twitched every so often. “Are you sure this is accurate?” she said.

“I’m c-certain, your h-highness,” answered the doctor, a distressed earth pony with a lemon colored mane and tangerine coat, shaking on her hooves. She cowered before Twilight like a prostrating worshiper about to be struck down by a mercurial goddess. Taking a single step back she bumped her rear into the door of the Princess’s study. Her eyes scanned the small room as if searching for an escape.

Princess Twilight, for her part, found this display of fear irritating to her senses. She let out a quiet sigh and schooled her face to something more pleasant and diplomatic. “Citrus, please, try to relax. I’m not upset with you. I’m just confused.”

Citrus’ thick knees knocked together with a loud clack, the echo deafening in the small chamber. “I-I understand your h-highness,” she said, her teeth chattering. “I-I’m always t-this n-nervous.”

This is the premiere expert in genetics in Equestria? Good grief. Resisting the growing urge to slam her hoof through her face, Twilight waved the sheet of paper in her magic, then gestured to a nearby armchair. “Of course, I understand. Shall we go over this, please?”

“Of c-course,” replied the doctor as as she jerked forward and collapsed into the armchair.

Twilight let out another small, barely audible sigh and plopped herself down in her own chair behind the desk. “So, let’s start with the basics.”

Citrus leaned forward and hunched over the desk. “S-so, um, as you’d expect, the vast majority of your DNA is equus sapiens unicornis, specifically from the ethnic groups of High Unicornia and Canterlot dominions. House Sparkle has been around for a v-very long t-time, after all.”

Twilight nodded. Now that they were getting into some details, her initial bemusement had transformed into academic curiosity. “Right, that makes sense. My mother can track our lineage back all the way to the first few generations after Princess Platinum.” Rolling her eyes, she muttered under her breath, “Not that she cares about it, being too busy throwing herself over Neighagra Falls at least five times a day…”

The doctor’s right ear quirked up, a small grin briefly gracing her muzzle. “S-sounds like my brother. He’s such a d-daredevil. Likes to ski on the most treacherous of mountains.”

“Really?” Twilight said, arching an eyebrow. “Is his name Double Diamond by any chance?”

Citrus’ pupils shrank into teeny tiny dots, her mouth falling open. “H-how did you know that?”

Ha, score one for random guesses. Twilight amused herself by forming her mouth into an enigmatic smile, just like Celestia used to give her all the time. “I’m the Princess.”

A faint red blush blossomed on Citrus’ cheeks. “Wow… you’re even more incredible in p-person than I’d heard.”

Twilight managed to resist the temptation to snort. Barely. Maintaining her enigmatic smile, she said, “So, you were talking about the unicorn DNA.”

“Oh!” The geneticist shook her head rapidly, then focused on the paper sitting before her on the desk. “Y-yes, well, if we trace the equus sapiens unicornis DNA back to before the Exodus, we can see where it splits off from equus sapiens progenitrix. Your DNA in total is at least eighty percent unicornis, which is much more pure than most ponies these days.”

“Like I said, long lineage.” A dark frown twisted Twilight’s muzzle. “And a lot of my foremothers were… not as open-minded as I am.” A cold chill ran through Twilight when she remembered the first time she learned about her great-great to the nth something grandmother, who was infamous for her involvement in the brutal crackdown of earth pony rebellions back in the early days of Unicornia’s history, when it was split into many fiefdoms. Baroness Twinkle the Terrible, she was called, at least in some of the texts she’d read and promptly buried in the furthest depths of the Canterlot archives.

Along with the records of the other four or five dictators in her family’s history. Really it’s a wonder she didn’t turn out to be as insane as they were. Maybe Shining was right about her “Twilynanas” behavior being inherited. She should thank her lucky stars she hadn’t gone mad with power the instant Celestia and Luna handed over the reins.

“So, about the rest of it, then,” Twilight said. “That’s where I am… confused.” Confused was a good word. A diplomatic word. Much better than the word she wanted to use.

“Well,” Citrus said, scanning the page, “there is always going to be some amount of mixing from during the early parts of the Exodus. We’ve discovered that pony society was nearly driven to e-extinction and they had to work more closely together just to s-survive. That is why you have two percent equus sapiens terras and three percent equus sapiens pegasos DNA. It doesn’t surprise me at all.”

“No, no, that’s not what I’m talking about,” Twilight said with yet another quiet sigh. Hoo boy. “I understand all of that. What I don’t get is the last part. The remaining fifteen percent.”

Citrus swallowed, and Twilight could see the swallow running down her throat and into her belly. The poor nervous doctor tried to smile at her, but the strain and shakiness left it looking far more akin to her own mad grins back in the day than anything soothing. “Yes, I-I can see w-why that might confuse you. Though in your case it’s--about f-five fold or more, it is something we’ve noticed among many Canterlot unicorn families, suggesting a s-shared origin which may also explain the genetic drift that causes eastern unicorns in places such as Neighpon. I-It m-might also have to do with Discord’s r-reign--”

“Please, stop,” Twilight ordered, holding up a hoof for silence. Citrus immediately shut her mouth, trembling harder than ever. “I’m well aware of the theories. I helped write some of those back when I was Celestia’s student. You’re not telling me anything I don’t know. What I want to know is, is this accurate?”

Citrus’s eyes promptly rolled up into her skull, the poor mare toppling out of her chair, saved from cracking her skull on the marble flooring only thanks to a quick catch by Twilight’s field. She set the earth pony back down on the arm chair, hopped up to her hooves, and began practicing Cadance’s relaxation technique. In and out. Iiiiin and ooooout. I am calm. I am calm. I am not angry. I am calm.

Oh no I’m not calm this is absurd this is ridiculous it’s not that it offends me or it’s bad but it just doesn’t make sense how is it even possible--

No, no, no, Twilight. Twilight. Calm. Caaaaaaaaalllllllmmmmmmmmmmuh.

It’s fine. It’ll all be fine. Just because there’s no record historically whatsoever of how this is even possible or how I could ever have any family that I don’t know about or anything about the culture that I am apparently a small part of that’s perfectly fine I am not calm I’m not calm I’m not calm I’m upset I’m confused I’m freaking out I’m FREAKING OUT I’M “AAAAAAAAAAAH!” Twilight squealed as she clapped her forehooves to the side of her head.

She spent a couple of moments screaming to herself before her lack of breathing left her lightheaded. The rush interrupted her tirade just long enough for her to get enough of a grip. “No no no. I can be calm. I am the Princess of all Equestria. I may have only been on the job for three weeks but it’s fine. I can handle it!”

Thus determined, she spun on her heels, a determined, if strained, smile plastered onto her muzzle. Leaning down she aimed her horn squarely at the unconscious doctor and used a combination of Beating Heart’s Basic Bring Back to Consciousness and Erana’s Peaceful Tranquility to get Citrus both moving and calm enough to not pass out again.

Unfortunately she must’ve injected a bit too much of the latter spell, because once up Citrus smiled far too wide and started giggling like a loon. “Oh Princess, I’m so sorry I passed out like that,” she said between her laughs. “Oooh look at the room spin, hahaha! Where were we?”

This is why I tell Starlight not to use mind magic, Twilight thought as she gave in to her overwhelming urge to smack her face with her forehoof. She ignited her horn to exert just a small, eensy teensy amount of a nullification spell for the calm, and managed to bring Citrus down to a more manageable level. “I think,” she said, resuming her seat, “that you were just about to tell me if these results are accurate, and how?”

“Uh, well,” Citrus said, placing her forehooves on the desk. She’d stopped stammering, thank Celestia, and looked at Twilight like the professional she purported to be. “It is accurate, yes Princess. I ran the test at least six times. The results might be unusual, but I’m certain it’s correct.”

“But… how?” Twilight pressed. “I don’t understand.”

Citrus leaned over and placed her chin down on her left forehoof. “There’s very little historical data available during the years just before and after Discord’s reign, but what we do know is that it jumbled the population around quite a bit, as we can see in the genetic record. It’s really quite fascinating, you see--”

“I-I-I’m sure it is,” Twilight interrupted with a forced polite smile, “but you still haven’t explained how it’s possible.”

The doctor drew herself back, but unlike before she showed no sign of fear or trepidation. Instead one corner of her mouth quirked as if in amusement. “Same way as any other DNA would get into your family history, Princess. Simply put, somewhere in your family tree, there are at least six generations of Kirins.”

And there it was. The word finally said aloud, the word that confused Twilight so badly it left her head spinning. She was part Kirin. Part. Kirin. Fifteen percent, to be precise. Just enough to influence her magic. Just enough to explain… well, a lot.

Like her tendency to set herself on fire whenever she became too angry. Oh there was the time she tried to comprehend Pinkie’s Pinkie sense, but that was far from the only time it had happened.

In fact it might happen right now. The doctor’s candor set Twilight’s teeth on edge. Her muscles rippled with tension, her hackles raised.

“I don’t suppose there’s any way of tracking who I’m related to,” she said, her voice coming across as testy.

Citrus gave a gormless shrug. “We’d have to have a database of genetic samples from every Kirin in Equestria and more besides to get an idea of that. I doubt you’re that closely related to anyone around now. It was so long ago, Princess, that--”

“But you could do it,” Twilight growled through gritted teeth. “You could tell me who I’m related to. Who I can talk to. Who I need to start studying from to understand this bit of my family history I don’t know!”

“I suppose we could try,” Citrus said after a moment.

Two weeks later, Twilight found herself standing outside a gaily painted house bursting to life in such vivid reds and golds it filled her mouth with the taste of autumn itself, which to her always tasted like pumpkin pie. Or maybe it was the rising odor of pie drifting from the open window. The fact that she hadn’t had anything to eat during the twelve hours it took her to travel here didn’t help.

She raised her hoof to tap on the door, only for it to slam itself open against the wall, taking her with it. As the ever-familiar pain of blunt impact trauma filled her skull, legs, wings, and barrel, Twilight just held onto her temper. Just.

Then the door slammed shut, revealing a kirin with a coat of greyish gold and a fluffy, lion-like mane of tangelo orange. “Oh. My. Goodness! I’m so so sorry I didn’t see you there I was just coming out because I was so happy I was going to have company I made a pie you see and we’re going to have lots of fun chatting together I’m Autumn Blaze by the way, you’re Twilight Sparkle right you’re Applejack and Fluttershy’s friend oh we’re going to have so much fun together!”

The constant stream of noise wormed its way into Twilight’s ears as she became more and more enraged by the second until, finally, inevitably, a flash point was reached. She screamed at the top of her lungs as her whole body ignited, her coat burning white hot while her mane lashed out like a towering inferno.

For about five seconds.

And then she was doused, not by her own magic, but by Autumn dumping a bucket of water all over her. Trails of smoke billowed and curled into the air all around her as she stood there, her chest heaving as she scowled at Autumn with all of her hate, wishing like crazy that she’d learned some sort of death glare spell just so she could use it now. “You… I… why…”

Autumn set the bucket down with a loud clang and slung her foreleg around Twilight’s neck, pulling her in hard enough to cut off Twilight’s air. “Oh, you just needed to cool off a bit,” Autumn said cheerfully as she rubbed a forehoof on Twilight’s waterlogged mane, frizzing out her hair everywhere. “But don’t worry I know a whole lot of anger management techniques that’ll be great for handling that. I can see where you get your Kirin genes from now you looked just like a unicorn version of a Nirik it was sooo cool but so hot at the same time oh I don’t mean hot like you’re attractive I mean you are but I’m not saying I’m into you like that don’t misunderstand it’s just going to make things awkward if you do so maybe let’s go inside and have some food?”

Twilight struggled out of Autumn’s grip and let out a loud groan. “Yes. Let’s. Please.”

Author's Note

I'm sure this has been done, but here's my take anyway. :twilightsmile: Thank you to Rainstorm Riddles for proofreading assistance. Also thank you to Frustration in Excelsis for the suggestion to change equus avia to equus progenitrix.