In Which Rimmer Demonstrates Why Magic Should Never Be Allowed in the Human World
“And I looked, and behold, a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was death, and Hell followed with him.”
I snapped the bible shut with a loud clap, before turning in my chair to face you. “In this scenario, this is Hell and I am Death. I am also the destroyer of worlds, but that’s a different quote.” I stood up, tossing the thick book into the fireplace, ignoring the embers that came flying out and sparked on the tufted floor. “My name is Rimmer, I don’t believe we’ve met. At least, not in this way.”
You grew visibly more concerned as flames began to lick at the chair I had just been sitting in, and yet I still paid them no mind as I idly paced to the other side of the room. “By the way, welcome to Hell!” I said cheerfully. “Or Tartarus, or Damnation, or if you’re twelve, the Nether. Whatever you want to call it.” I grabbed a wine glass from a nearby rack, pouring a thick blood-red liquid into it and swirling it around. “It’s actually quite a nice place believe it or not.”
The roaring fire had now encompassed half of the room, the sweltering heat only adding to the already oppressive inferno that was ever present in this dark abyss. “So, what did you do to earn eternal damnation, anyways?” I asked. “It’s always interesting to hear others’ sinful escapades.”
You provided no answer, still darting your eyes between the ever-growing flames and myself. I took a sip from my glass, staring at you from the corner of my eye. “Not really talkative are you?” I commented, gauging your reaction. “Eh, that’s fine. It usually takes them a few hundred years to open up. Don’t worry about it, buddy. I’ve got all the time in the world.”
“Why don’t I tell you what I did to end up here while we wait?” I suggested, downing the rest of my drink. “It’s a fun story, I assure you.”
You nodded timidly, not sure what else you could possibly do. But I took that as permission to begin anyways. I dragged over a wooden chair, ignoring one of its charred legs, and plopped myself down, tossing the empty wine glass aside. It shattered against something behind me, out of sight. Somehow, amidst everything happening in front of you, you found yourself growing more and more concerned for me.
“So, why am I in hell?” I asked no one in particular, leaning back and spreading my arms. “One could say it’s because I wrote gratuitous amounts of the kinkiest clop you could think of, but I’ve been told that actually had minimal weight in my sentencing.”
‘Who the fuck is this guy?’ you thought to yourself.
“No, no, it wasn’t the pony porn at all, actually,” I went on, oblivious to your increasing confusion. “The real problem was when I decided to actually go to Equestria…”
Writing clopfics is fun and all, but eventually you grow tired of writing about horsefucking and want something new. So I decided to try horsefucking. Not with real horses, though. That’d be gross! And illegal!
No, I decided to put all of my time and energy into trying to find a way into Equestria. It had to be a real place after all, I mean, how else did they get footage of it?
And so my master plan began, rocketing through its infancy with reckless abandon. Never before had I given so little regard to the quality of my work - my only goal was to get into Equestria no matter what. Hell, I bought a particle accelerator on ebay for forty bucks that turned out to be a microwave with a cardboard tube taped on top.
But I don’t really want to bore anyone with the details of my work. It was menial, long and sordid. However, over the course of my experimenting, my plans had changed. If I can get into Equestria, is there any reason the magic of Equestria couldn’t pull people from other dimensions as well? Why limit my conquests to just the waifus of the pony world, but of the entire cinematic multiverse of cartoon entertainment! And so I compiled a list of waifus whom I needed to become acquainted with at all costs.
Many months of long nights and tireless work passed by. But before long, my work was complete! A glorious ornamental ring of melted-together plastic pony toys stood before me, somehow powered by the energy of quantum fission and fusion themselves. I plugged in my makeshift portal and with a blinding flash of bright light, I was in Equestria.
The bustling streets of Ponyville surrounded me as I blinked the spots out of my vision, and a wide grin took over my face. I had done it! I was here! Time to make my dreams not be dreams!
A few ponies had taken notice of my sudden appearance, staring at me in confusion. “Salutations, good equine folk!” I called out with an eager wave of my hand. “I have come to request the aid of your Princess, Twilight Sparkle! Can any of you kindly point me in the right direction?”
A mint-green unicorn vaguely pointed in a direction to my left, and I turned to see large crystal spires rising above the roofs of the village homes.
“Danke schoen!” I called out to her with an energetic salute, before heading in the direction of Twilight’s castle.
The trip took very little time (okay maybe I was in a rush, so what?) and before I knew it, I was opening the grand, oak doors of the castle and wandering inside.
“Ohhhhhhhh, Twilight!” I called out. “I require your assistance!” The doors at the end of the hall opened almost as soon as I finished my call, and I turned to see who had graced me with their presence.
Pony Princess Twilight Sparkle stood at the end of the hall, looking like a tiger ready to pounce. It was quite amusing, actually. Almost a little bit cute. But she wasn’t on my list, so I really didn’t care.
“Who are you and what are you doing here?” she demanded, scowling at me as I continued to approach.
I waved my arms around emphatically. “Don’t worry! I come in peace!” I called out in reply. “For the moment,” I added under my breath. “My name is Rimmer, but if you must, you can call me Rim.”
“Rimmer,” Twilight muttered. “Why are you here?”
I raised my arm and pointed straight at her. “You must aid me in my quest!” I said to her. “I require a source of great, powerful magic, and you are one such source!”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “You have barged into my castle, terrified my citizens, and now you are demanding my help?” she asked incredulously. “What makes you think I’m going to help you?”
“Terrified your citizens?” I echoed. “Whatever are you talking about?”
A pointed glare fixed itself on my look of false shock. “I’ve been having locals contact me about a crazy bipedal creature wandering through town muttering to himself about a waifu orgy.”
“You’re the princess of friendship!” I replied. “You must help a friend!”
“You’re not my friend,” Twilight deadpanned. “I don’t even know you. And if you’re from the human world, I don’t think I want to know you.”
I held a hand up to my chest, wounded by her words. “I’m hurt, Princess,” I said, miming a tear rolling down my cheek and lowering my head sullenly. “I thought that we had grown rather close in the few minutes we’ve been acquainted with one another.” I glanced up at the pony. It appeared that my show was not working, as Twilight simply continued to glare at me. With a sigh, I wiped my fake tears away and straightened back up. “Well, I guess you leave me no choice then. I must coerce you into doing what I need.”
“Coerce me? I could overpower you in a second!” the purple pony said aggressively, lighting her horn. “What could you possibly use to force me to do anything.”
I reached into the inner pocket of my suit jacket, and pulled out my G45. “A metal tube which is capable of firing a small projectile at high velocity into your skull via cause of explosive force rendering you deceased within a matter of seconds,” I replied, levelling the weapon at her head. “Colloquially known as a gun.” That shut her up.
Her ears slicked back against her head, and she shrunk into a more submissive position. “You’d k-kill me?” Twilight asked in the shaky voice of a creature who had never truly faced death before.
“I’ve written about worse things happening to you,” I replied casually, not wavering at all. “Now, let’s get to that list.”
Twilight pouted. “Usually that works,” she said dejectedly. “They just give up after that.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, I know. I watch the show. I came prepared,” I said hurriedly. “My list.”
“Fine fine, the fucking list,” she said exasperated. “What’s on the fucking list?”
Still holding up the gun, I reached into my pocket with my other hand, fishing around for the scrap of paper I brought with me. “I need you to use your magic to summon a number of different females from a myriad of other fictional universes,” I said, unfolding the paper. I had written all of them down so as to not accidentally forget anyone. High-stress situations like this could often lead to important things slipping my mind, and I definitely did not want that to happen today.
“You want me to do what?” Twilight asked incredulously.
I crunched the paper list in my hand that was still holding the gun, reaching back into my jacket and pulling out a set of reading glasses. “Good lord, woman, keep up,” I said exasperated. “You’re going to use your magic to summon a harem of sexy and adorable women for me from a bunch of other fictional universes.”
Twilight nodded, confirming that she had heard correctly. “Okay, I am definitely not doing that,” she said, sounding offended by the very prospect of such an act.
I put my glasses on, grabbed the list again, and took a few steps forward before waving the gun in her face. “Yes, you are,” I pressured. “Explosive force, remember?”
“Okay, fine,” Twilight acquiesced quickly. “But you said fictional universes. How am I supposed to summon them? They’re not real universes,” she countered, glancing between my face and the barrel of the gun.
“Neither is this one, but look where we are now.” I really was growing quite tired of the excuses.
“Huh?”
“Just get on with it already!” I cried. “Here, let's go find a couch.”
I could tell that Twilight’s confusion was only growing by the minute, but I really couldn’t care any less. “Why do we need a couch?”
“Because it’s kind of the whole point of a ‘waifu couch.’ It’s literally in the title.” I explained, pocketing the gun and walking towards where I thought the living room to be. “Also, I assume the process of summoning all of them will take a bit of time. We wouldn’t want our guests to just be standing around, do we?”
“A bit of time?! How many are there?” asked Twilight worriedly.
“Oh, not that many,” I said. “Like eight.” I glanced at the list. “Eleven.”
The alicorn’s ears slicked back. “Eleven,” she echoed. “How are you going to… please them all?” she asked in a timid voice.
I raised my free hand with a sly grin and wriggled my fingers. “Magic hands,” I said cryptically.
Twilight made a disgusted face and quickly trotted ahead of me. She led me to a large sitting room which had an adequately sized couch (and really, what else did we need?)
“This will do perfectly,” I said smiling. “Now! Onto the list!”
The door behind me opened suddenly and I swung myself around to see Spike enter the room. The young dragon hurriedly padded into the room on his two little feet, acting as stupid as ever. He noted my presence with confusion before turning to Twilight. “A human?” he asked. “What’s he doing here?”
“Yes, a human,” I interrupted before the alicorn could respond. I levelled a finger at him. “I thought I sent you to Trottingham for a packet of crisps!”
“What?” he asked. “That was Derpy’s friend, Whooves. That wasn’t you.”
“Might as well have been,” I shot back. “I wrote this story.” The dragon just gave me a confused look.
Twilight stopped the back and forth before it could continue. “Spike, this is Rimmer. He’s come to me for… assistance with a problem of his.” She looked at me pointedly, but I just rolled my eyes at her attempted jabs.
“Can we get on with it already?” I asked. I gestured to the couch. “We’ve got the couch.” I pointed at her. “I’ve got you, anything else?”
With a sigh, Twilight shook her head. “No, I suppose we should start,” she said in a defeated tone. “Who’s up first?”
I looked at the list. “Well, I suppose it would make sense to start with the ones from this universe,” I said. “Tempest Shadow and Sunset Shimmer.”
“WHAT?!” screamed Twilight. “But I know them!”
“Hey!” I yelled right back at her. “I could have had Celestia and Luna on the list, but no! I thought of who I was asking to help me and I left them off of it!"
Twilight’s face took on a look of horror. “You want to… do things… with the Princesses?” she asked, aghast.
“Who wouldn’t?” I replied as if it was the most obvious thing. It was the most obvious thing, whether the prude little alicorn would admit it or not.
I snapped my fingers at her. “Tempest and Sunset. Chop chop, let’s go.”
Begrudgingly, Twilight opened a portal a few paces away. It hovered in the air for a moment before an equine figure appeared through it. A burgundy unicorn with a cracked horn and thick, steel armor appeared in the same space as me. It took all of my energy not to let my knees go weak and collapse out from underneath me.
“Twilight Sparkle?” Tempest Shadow asked, confusion apparent in her voice as she eyed the alicorn. Her gaze shifted to me next, and her confusion only increased. “What is going on?”
“Hi, Fizz-” Twilight started to reply, but she was quickly silenced by me slapping a hand over her mouth.
“Her name is Tempest Shadow,” I said calmly, with only a slight twitch of my eye.
The two ponies in the room glanced at me for a moment before the newcomer spoke up. “Actually, Twilight, he is right,” she said quietly. “I would prefer it if you would call me Tempest. Fizzlepop is a name from my past, and I don’t think it quite suits me anymore.”
I gestured to Tempest to take a seat over by the couch. “Thank you for coming,” I said warmly. “It’s wonderful to have you here. Please take a seat while the others arrive.”
I was doing my very best to remain calm, even though all I wanted to do was rush over to the pony and snatch her up in a tight hug and maybe a few other activities, but there was a list to get through.
Turning towards Twilight, I removed my hand from her mouth. “Sunset Shimmer,” I reminded her.
“But she’s… in the human world,” Twilight said. “I don’t know if I can-”
“If you’re going to have trouble pulling women from other worlds, I don’t know if this arrangement is going to work,” I commented. I glanced off into the distance in faux thought. “Maybe I should go find Celestia…”
“NO! IT’S FINE!” the purple pony frantically screamed, waving her hooves in my face. “I can do it!”
I smiled, content in my victory. “Well then do it.”
“Oookay, this is getting weird,” Spike said. “I’m just gonna go read my comics in my room...” he trailed off, and slowly backed out of the room. No one acknowledged his departure.
The process I had just witnessed repeated itself. A portal opened in front of us and a pony appeared, reared up on their hind hooves. She wavered for a moment, dizzy and unbalanced, before falling forward onto all four hooves. “Ugh,” grumbled Sunset Shimmer. “W-what happened?”
“Welcome to Equestria!” I cheered. “You should already be familiar with the place. Just take a seat on the couch next to the other reformed villain right over there.”
Sunset balked at me before turning to the alicorn next to me. “Twilight?” she questioned.
“Just do what he says,” she replied quietly. Sunset gave me one last look before heading over to the couch to sit next to Tempest. “Any other ponies?” Twilight said in a pointed tone. I could tell that she did not really appreciate my asking her to summon close friends of hers. I couldn’t really care less - I was on a mission.
Luckily for her though, Tempest and Sunset were the only two on the list whom Twilight could possibly know personally. Unless there was something that the show wasn’t showing.
“No,” I finally replied after letting her stew for a moment. “No more of your friends are on the list. Next up is Rayla.”
“Rayla…” Twilight prompted. “Rayla who.”
I looked up at her, confused. “Oh! Rayla from The Dragon Prince. Cute little elf girl,” I said. “She’s Scottish? Has these adorable little horns?” I mimed a pair of horns above my head. Twilight showed absolutely no recognition. “The land is called ‘Xadia?’ Listen, I don’t know what other information you’ll need for this. I’m not exactly trained in the magical arts.”
“Oh I just needed the name and the franchise,” Twilight replied. “Should be enough to go by.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thanks for telling me in advance,” I muttered underneath my breath.
A few moments went by as Twilight idly searched through the multiverse trying to find wherever Rayla was. “So,” she started. “Is there a particular order to this list?”
I shook my head. “Nope. Well, it started out by age, but I messed up on the first one so I gave up pretty quickly,” I explained.
Twilight suddenly gave me a concerning look. “How old is she?” she asked.
“Oh no, don’t worry. There’s no one under eighteen on this list. The moderators wouldn’t like it,” I hurried to explain. The alicorn gave me a look like she didn’t quite believe me. “Honest!” I said, crossing a finger over my chest.
Twilight rolled her eyes and just said, “Mhm,” before a portal opened up in front of me and the elf girl appeared in the room.
“Oi!” she said all of a sudden. “Where am I?” She swung around. “Who the hell are yeh?”
“I’m Rimmer,” I said happily, pointing to myself. “That’s Twilight Sparkle.” I pointed to the alicorn standing next to me. “Please go sit on the couch over there.” I pointed to the couch across the room.
“Annnnd why would I do that?” Rayla asked, cocking a hip.
“Because I asked nicely,” I said with a smile. “Oh and also, I’ll tell you about it later. But don’t you want to sit down? I’m sure running from humans has tired you out a wee bit,” I said, imitating her accent at the end.
Rayla crossed her arms. “That’s a wee bit racist there, Rimmer,” she said. “But you’re right. I am a wee bit tired.” The elf pointed two of her four fingers at her eyes and then to me before stalking off to join the two ponies on the couch.
“I think she’s mocking me,” I whispered to Twilight as Rayla walked away, eying her backside as she went.
Twilight just huffed. “I think you were mocking her first,” she retorted. “Let’s go. Who’s next.”
I crossed Rayla’s name off of the list. “Hmmm, let’s see,” I murmured to myself. “Ooooh! Elsa and Anna from Frozen!” I leaned over to the side. “If you could get Elsa with her hair down from the end of Frozen II, maybe I’ll let you sit on the couch as well,” I whispered into Twilight’s ear.
“Ew, no thanks,” she replied, taking a few steps away from me. “Wait, aren’t those two… sisters? You want both of them?”
I smiled wider than I would ever care to admit. “Oh, trust me. I am well aware of that fact,” I replied.
“Ewww,” Twilight said again as she lit her horn. “Please spare me your weird, incestuous details.”
“Love is love,” I replied simply as Twilight opened up another portal. “We sink with this ship.”
The mentioned pairing fell through the dimensional orifice as I said that. Both of the sisters shared confused, slightly concerned faces. Well, okay, maybe only one of them was concerned. Anna was currently looking around in awe whilst Elsa was glaring at the two of us.
“Who are you?” she demanded raising her hands in defense. “What do you want with us?”
I pointed at the couch. “Please take a seat and wait for the others to arrive. I’ll be with you shortly.”
Anna took a few steps towards the couch, but Elsa quickly grabbed the back of her dress. The temperature in the room began to drop rapidly, and a flurry of snow began to fall from her outstretched palm. “What do you want with us?” she repeated in a deadly tone.
“Uh, heh heh, hello there, I’m Twilight Sparkle,” the alicorn beside waved with an uneasy laugh. She was obviously trying to defuse the situation. “We, uh… well I’m not going to hurt you. Don’t worry.”
The words did very little to calm Elsa down, but at least she looked less murderous now. “Come on, Elsa,” Anna said softly, tugging on her sister’s arm. “Let’s go sit down.”
Elsa begrudgingly followed her sister over to the couch, choosing to stand behind it rather than sit. Anna stood next to her awkwardly, clearly wanting to sit down but also not wanting to leave her sister’s side.
“Who’s next, who’s next?” My eyes scanned the list. “Oh, it’s Rapunzel. Tangled. Also a princess.” I let out an exaggerated gasp. “Oh my gosh, just like you! You two should compare notes!”
Rapunzel stepped in through the portal. My eyes trailed up her long purple gown, to her smiling face and her piercing green eyes. Then I saw her hair.
“AHHH!” I screamed. “Twilight! Hair grow spell! Extra strong! NOW!”
Twilight, for her part, was so startled by my screaming that she immediately cast the spell without thinking. Rapunzel’s short hair glowed with a bright golden light, before exploding outwards into a long flowing mane of hair that reached down past her waist. It wasn’t as long and glorious as it was before, but it was certainly better than the patchy mop she had on her head before.
“Oh my gosh!” Rapunzel cheered, reaching around and pulling her hair where she could see it. “My hair is back!” She clutched the long strands in her hands and rushed forward. She snatched me up in a big hug and patted Twilight on top of her head. “Thank you thank you thank you!”
“Oh you’re very welcome,” I replied, practically melting into her touch. With another hug, Rapunzel went over with a smile and introduced herself to the others on the couch.
“Who’s next?” Twilight asked.
I shook my head to clear my mind and looked down at my list. “Ahsoka Tano. Star Wars,” I read aloud. “You know, between you and me, I don’t particularly care where you pull her from in the timeline,” I whispered conspiratorially. “However, the earlier the better, if you catch my drift.”
Twilight looked absolutely disgusted. “I’m not doing that.”
I held up my hands in surrender. “Alright, that’s fine. I’m flexible on this one.”
With an angry huff, Twilight lit her horn again. Another portal opened up, and the dark-skinned Togruta appeared in the room. She spun around confused for a moment, before spotting the two of us and igniting her lightsabers in a defensive stance.
“Awww, she’s old,” I whined when I saw that the blades were white. Twilight looked at me with one of her typical offended looks, whilst Ahsoka just raised an eyebrow. “Well, not too old I guess. Take a seat over there, please.” I waved my hand over to the couch where the others were waiting.
Ahsoka disengaged her sabers, straightening up from her crouched defensive stance. She eyed all of us wearily. “What is this place?” she asked, folding her arms into her cloak in a typical Jedi fashion.
“Well, this is Equestria, a land dominated by pastel ponies,” I explained, grabbing Twilight by the horn. “And they have magic.”
“Owwww,” moaned Twilight as I manhandled her magical focus. “Jeez, she gets the point! Let go!”
The horn in my hand began to sizzle with heat and I quickly let go. “Okay okay, you don’t need to burn me,” I said, wringing my hand to cool it off. Ahsoka was now looking around the room inquisitively, undoubtedly trying to gauge our weaknesses. “The couch, if you will,” I reiterated after getting her attention.
Ahsoka nodded silently and slowly walked over to the couch, taking a stance besides Anna. The redhead eyed the Togruta with interest, and Ahsoka flinched as the woman suddenly poked one of her lekku.
“Sorry,” Anna whispered apologetically as she pulled her hand away. “But are those… a part of you?”
Ahsoka raised an eyebrow. “Yes,” she said. “They are.”
“Oh my gosh, that’s so cool!” Anna gushed. “Elsa, look at those! Aren’t they so pretty?” She pulled on the sleeve of her sister’s ice blue gown, trying to attract her attention.
“Yes, Anna,” Elsa replied, gently placing a hand on the redhead’s shoulder. Her guard was obviously still up. “They’re very pretty.”
“Are you also prisoners here?” Ahsoka asked.
Anna looked confused. “Prisoners?” she echoed. “No, I don’t think we’re prisoners.” Elsa for her part, just let out an unconvinced huff. “Oh, calm down Elsa,” she said to her sister, leaning into her. “Everything is going to be fine. Just think of all the new people we’re going to meet!” With a sigh, she finally followed her sister around to sit down on the couch properly.
Back over with Twilight and myself, another newcomer had just come through the portal. “Good evening, Officer Hopps!” I chirped with a flourished salute. “Welcome to Equestria!”
“She’s a bunny,” Twilight deadpanned, looking over at me incredulously. “You want to copulate with a freaking bunny.”
I looked at her with a twinkle of mirth in my eyes. “Please do not get me started on the horny rabbit jokes, Twilight,” I said in a warning tone. “Once you get me started, I may never stop.”
“Excuse me,” Judy interrupted, taking a few steps towards us. “But you want to do what to this freaking bunny?”
I smiled down at her. “We’ll get to that in a moment,” I said as I crouched down to her level. “Now if you would please join the others by the couch, we have a few more people to get to!”
The grey bunny just gave me a confused look as she cocked her ears, but headed over towards the group anyways.
“Hmm, these next two are going to be interesting,” I muttered as I looked back down at the list.
“How so?” asked Twilight, panting slightly. She seemed to be getting tired from all of the teleportation spells she was being asked to cast. Too bad I was the one with the gun.
“Well you see, they’re both from the same universe, but very different times,” I explained. “No idea if it’ll be easier to do them in one go or not. You’re the magic expert though, so do whatever you feel is best.”
Twilight wiped some sweat from her brow and lit her horn. “Who and where?” she asked with determination. I had presented her with a magical challenge, and she was certainly not going to back down.
“Azula and Korra from Avatar,” I said. “The air, earth, fire, water one. Not the blue people one.”
“The what people one?” Twilight asked.
I shook my head. “Nevermind, just do it,” I said. With a flash of her horn, a portal opened up, and the two women stepped through.
They looked around the room with interest. So far, of the group, they were the calmest upon arrival. Azula was eying the layout and the other people, while Korra was staring at her.
“What a strange place,” Azula finally said in a calculating tone, idly tapping a crystal piece of furniture next to the couch. “But it does have an interesting appeal, I shall give you that.”
“Oh! I know how I know you!” Korra finally said, snapping her fingers. “You’re the fire princess that Lord Zuko had to lock up all those years ago ‘cauze you tried to kill the avatar!”
Azula turned to Korra and raised an eyebrow. “Hm? Did you say Zuzu locked me up?” she asked with a sneer. “You must have been mistaken. That incompotent turtleduck couldn’t stand a chance against me.”
“No yeah it was actually Katara that beat you. He just put you in a-”
“IT WAS WHO?!” screamed Azula with rage. “That pathetic peasant dared to raise a hand against me?! And succeeded?!”
Korra went to reply but I quickly walked over to them. “Ladies, ladies,” I said in my ever-suave tone. “Please, there’s no need to fight. We’re here for a good time after all!” I circled around and went to wrap my arms around their shoulders. Korra, surprisingly, leaned into the embrace, but I let out a yelp as Azula’s armor was hot to the touch.
I observed my singed skin as Azula took a couple wide steps away from me. “I do not know who you are peasant, but you should be weary of playing with fire,” she hissed, her golden eyes burning with untold flames.
A horny smile took over my face. “I’d let you burn me any day,” I challenged, wriggling my eyebrows.
“Alright!” cried Twilight. “That’s enough. I don’t want to have to put out any fires. Please go sit on the couch!” She ushered the two bendered over with her wings, and I reluctantly let the Avatar slip out of my grasp as they went over to the group on the couch.
Twilight ruffled her wings before closing them back up and turning to look at me. “Who’s up next?” she asked.
I could tell she was getting tired, but she would have a break soon. We were finally at the bottom of the list. “Catra,” I said. “From Etheria. She’s the last one.” Twilight gave me an odd look. “She-Ra. The new one. With the lesbians.”
My explanation seemed to clear up Twilight’s confusion, as only a minute later a portal opened up, and a catgirl fell through with an odd shriek-hiss. She rolled into her landing, shifting into a crouched position and looking around with her heterochromatic eyes.
“A-adora?” she called out, her voice cracking slightly. She reached behind her and pulled out a long rod that quickly cackled to life with electricity. “Where am I? Is this another one of your She-Ra tricks?”
“No tricks,” I said, holding up my hands. “You can put that away.”
Catra gave a wry chuckle. “I don’t think so. Not until you explain yourselves.” Twilight quickly levitated the weapon out of the catgirl’s claws, most likely fearing for her own safety as well.
Catra didn’t seem to like this and pounced on top of me with a growl, effectively pinning me to the ground. “Oh really?” she goaded. “Just ‘cause you took my stun baton doesn’t mean I still can’t claw your eyes out.” She raised her right hand and extended her claws menacingly.
“Oh Celestia! Oh jeez,” Twilight said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “Don’t worry, Rimmer! I’ll get her off of you!”
“You will do nothing of the sort, Twilight!” I practically screamed, her sarcasm going right over my head. “She can stay on top of me as long as she likes!” Catra gave me a confused look, her hand lowering slightly before growing even more threatening.
Twilight paused. “Are you sure?” she asked, suddenly sounding a little more concerned for my sanity than my physical well being.
“Oh yes,” I replied, throwing a half-lidded gaze at the feline perched on top of me.
“Uh, okay bud,” Catra said, hopping backwards off of me. “Don’t make it weird.” She gave me one last look before going over to the couch to join the others.
Twilight collapsed back onto her haunches, exhausted from all of the arcane energy she had just exerted. I patted her gently on the head, thanking her for her contribution to the betterment of society.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I turned and saw the sight before me. It was beautiful. My gaze drifted over the confused expressions of each of my waifus, locking onto each one for only a moment before moving onto the next. It was near overwhelming to have such a glorious crowd in front of me, right within my reach. The dream I had longed to have for years was right here, laid out before me on a modest, yet functional couch.
A heavenly chorus of seraphim rang out in the room as I spread my arms wide. A glowing light surrounded the magnificent sight before me, surrounding each woman in a halo. A tear slipped down my cheek as I took a step forward, trumpets blasting in my ears. “Ladies,” I managed to gasp out, the angelic image of the couch before me glistening through a veil of unshed tears. “Welcome home.”
I did not expect them to understand their role immediately. I did not expect them to understand that this was where they were meant to be. I did not expect them to comprehend that at the start of the universe, their paths had already been dictated for them - and they all led to me.
Perhaps it would take time for all of them to appreciate this new shared dynamic.
Or I could take a shortcut.
“Twilight!” I called, gazing down at the tired pony beside me. “I shall require one last spell.”
The lavender alicorn looked up at me with an exhausted expression. “What could you possibly need now?” she asked.
I cleared my throat, looking at the couch one last time before leaning down and whispering into Twilight’s fluffy ear. “A want-it, need-it spell.”
“NO!” Twilight shouted, appalled at the very idea. “I am not doing that!”
This was one of several times she had said she was not going to do something only for me to threaten her life and force her to do it. It was getting quite tiresome.
“Twilight,” I said in an exasperated voice. “If I have to repeat the words ‘explosive force’ to you one more time I’m going to fucking lose it.”
The alicorn puffed out her chest and stood firm, meeting my gaze. She really expected to resist my command, did she? With a sigh, I pulled the gun back out and pointed it at her head. “A want-it, need-it spell, if you please,” I said, cocking back the slide.
Twilight stood firm for another few seconds before she slumped down. “Okay fine I’ll do it,” she acquiesced. “But I’m not making it full power. That’d be suicide.”
“Wouldn’t be the worst way to die,” I muttered to myself as I placed my gun on the table beside me. I turned back to Twilight. “Okay, let’s go!”
Twilight gave me one last look before she lit her horn, and I suddenly lit up with a faint purple glow. A weird tingling sensation encompassed my whole body, oddly numbing yet pleasing at the same time. Then, as quick as it had begun, it was over.
At first, it seemed like nothing had happened. I was still my same old handsome self, and Twilight was still exhausted, now slumped down onto the floor trying to catch her breath. I patted myself down, making sure all of me was still there and that the alicorn hadn’t gone rogue and removed anything essential.
It was not until I paused for a moment that I realized what had happened. The room was silent. All of the low murmuring and idle chatting that had been coming from the growing number of girls on the couch had ceased. I looked over and found that each and every single one of them was now looking at me in silence. Each had similar but unique looks in their eyes, ranging from want, to attraction, and all the way up to lust. A shiver ran down my spine.
As I locked eyes with them, Sunset and Tempest stalked over to me, sultry grins lighting up their faces. They positioned themselves on either side of me, each reaching up with a single hoof to brush against my legs.
“T-twilight,” I breathed out. “I think I’m gonna go sit down now.” The alicorn just nodded weakly, still laying down and trying to regain some of her energy.
The two ponies escorted me over to the group of women, sidling up and letting their sides brush against my own as we went. Elsa and Catra spread apart on the couch, leaving a space for me to sit between them. I sat down and relaxed back into the couch, and they both leaned into me.
Judy crawled in between my legs, pawing at the button to my pants like the horny little fuckbunny she was. Sunset and Tempest took up spots on either side of her, resting their chins on my knees as they looked up at me with fond eyes. Two hands reached down from behind me, and I looked up to see Ahsoka standing behind me beside Korra, each reaching down to grip one of my shoulders.
Anna climbed onto the couch right next to Elsa, leaning into her sister and resting a head on her shoulder as she rubbed her back. Elsa cast a fond gaze back at her, and Anna gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek. On my other side, Catra had begun purring gently as she cuddled into the crook of my neck. Rayla crawled up behind her, looking at me over the catgirl’s shoulder.
Rapunzel knelt down next to Sunset Shimmer, gently running a hand up and down the pony’s back. The unicorn shuddered at the petting, and pulled away from my leg to nuzzle up against the long-haired princess. She blushed as she let out an involuntary nicker, not that anyone except her was paying attention.
All of the women crowded around me, cuddling closer and closer. Judy seemed perfectly content to stay between my legs trying desperately to unbutton my pants while Tempest nuzzled up against her. Elsa was cuddled into my right side as her sister placed gentle kisses around her neckline. The two women behind me had leaned down, Korra continuing to gently rub my shoulders while Ahsoka sensually ran her fingers through my hair, massaging my scalp as she did so. It took me a few moments to realize that they had started kissing as well.
“This is the literal definition of a clusterfuck,” I muttered to myself as Rayla curled into my left side, and I idly wrapped my arm around her to pull her close as Catra climbed up on top of me.
The catgirl leered down at me with a predatory grin. “You seemed to appreciate this position earlier,” she said huskily as she unbuttoned my suit jacket and threw it open, baring my picture-perfect chest to the room. Her rands trailed down my torso, claws only slightly extended to give me a sense of titillating pleasure as they raked against my chest. She leaned in, hovering by the side of my head.
“You wanna be my scratching post, don’t you?” Catra breathed in my ear. I let out a shuddering breath. “That excites you, doesn’t it?” I nodded, and Catra grinned wickedly down at me, before leaning in and pressing her body up against mine in a tight hug. “We’ll get to that,” she said softly, snuggling against my chest.
Suddenly, I realized that someone was missing from the massive cuddle puddle. Catra was gently pushed off of her position on top of me, and replaced by a sadistically grinning Azula. “Hmmm,” she hummed approvingly as she gazed down at me. “I think it’s time to see if you can take some real heat.” I let out a sound somewhere between a gasp and a pitiful cry as she leaned in to encompass me in a warm embrace, a fiery glow in her eyes.
The door to Twilight’s living room suddenly slammed open again, and Celestia and Luna stormed in. A number of royal guards followed them into the room, and I could have sworn that I recognized a certain red pegasus with a dark blue mane. “Twilight!” Celestia called out. “We got Spike’s message, is everything okay? We’ve detected a large amount of interdimensional magic being performed here.”
“HA!” I cried out before Twilight could respond. Had I not been currently overwhelmed by the myriad of beautiful waifus surrounding me, I might have been more pissed by the little dragon’s betrayal. Instead, I stood abruptly, pointing my finger at the newcomers. My unbuckled pants slid down to my ankles, revealing my Overwatch-themed boxers. The pegasus (that I’ll remember the name of eventually) immediately shifted her gaze to my lower half. I didn’t care though, as Tracer and I grinned madly at the princesses. “I didn’t even need to add them to the list! Celestia and Luna showed up anyway!”
Apparently, it was this line of dialogue that finally pushed Twilight over the edge. She stood up without warning, a look of pure anger and disgust on her face. “You can do many things, Rimmer, but you will not insult the Princesses in my presence!” she cried, lighting up her horn.
I opened my mouth to reply with some snarky comment, but before I could even utter a syllable, a burst of purple magic slammed into my chest and threw me back against the couch with force. I crashed into Elsa who caught me in her arms, my head resting on her pale chest.
She cradled me as I clutched at the horrifying burn mark now scarring my chest. I feebly reached up with my other hand, thankful when Catra grasped it and held it tightly in her own. The rest of the girls crowded around my body, piling back on top of me and surrounding me in a pleasant warmth.
Azula cupped my cheek as I opened my mouth and tried to speak. “T-this… this was… totally… w-worth it...” I croaked out as I slipped away, dying in the comforting embrace of my waifu couch.
I buttoned up my suit jacket after showing you the scar that was still over my heart. “So yeah, that’s what happened,” I said. “And the worst part was…” I paused for dramatic effect. “That was heaven.”
Your face took on a shocked look, jaw-dropping awe and all. I looked at your surprise and simply nodded. “Yup. Turns out that I died in a fiery explosion trying to open a portal to Equestria. Took half the city block with me as well. Went to heaven, got the harem of my dreams, and then I went to commit one teensy-tiny little blasphemous sin, and they shipped me right down here to hell.” I swung my arms out, gesturing to the charred remains of the room we were in. “I didn’t even get my dick wet.”
You pointed to my chest, opening your mouth to ask a question but I interrupted you before you could even start. “I know what you’re going to ask… if I was already dead why do I have the scar?” I folded my hands. “It is a constant, burning reminder of what I almost had. And yes, I mean burning. My chest is quite literally on fire. On the inside. It hurts. A lot.” You looked horrified. “Then again, this is hell. No one ever said eternal damnation was going to be easy. Or painless.”
I stood up abruptly, straightening my suit and pointing at you. “That’s where we come to you.” I briskly walked over to an elegantly-carved wooden desk, the only piece of furniture besides the chair that was still standing in the room. “After the first few hundred years of me moping about, administration finally found a use for me.”
You somehow managed to grow visibly paler as I pulled a large book out of one of the desk’s drawers. The thing was massive, at least several thousand pages long. “You see, I had already achieved an impressive lexicon of fanfiction during my lifetime,” I explained, brushing dust off of the leather-bound book. “Give me another six hundred years and I’m only bound to increase that.”
The text on the cover had become legible to you, and you felt nauseous as you read the title clearly. “The Comprehensive Collection of Rimmer’s Erotic Equine Works - Volume I” is typed out in bold print.
I suddenly snapped my fingers. “Neon Lightning, that was her name!” I said. “I just remembered.” You looked at me, confused. “The red pegasus with the blue mane? From my story?” You showed absolutely no recollection at all. “Dude, it was literally like five minutes ago.” You still didn’t respond. “Whatever,” I muttered, and slammed the massive tome down onto a wooden coffee table that you could have sworn just appeared out of thin air.
“It seems like a lot, doesn’t it,” I said, opening up to the first page. “Really though, this just happens to be about half of what I managed to write whilst still among the living.” I pulled a pair of glasses out of my suit pocket, and placed them gingerly on the bridge of my nose. “Shall we begin?” I asked with a sadistic grin. “I’d say we’re on the clock, but we quite literally have all the time in the world... and more.”
You looked terrified. “Now, before we begin, I think we need to clear up some of the formalities. Don’t you?” Nervously, you nodded your head. “I already told you my name, I think it’s only fair that you told me yours.” You remained silent. “You don’t need to tell me everything, just your name. I have to know what to call you after all!”
“I-ian,” you finally answered timidly.
“Well, Ian,“ I began. “We’re going to spend a wonderful eternity together!” And I began to read.
“Celestia and Luna were sitting across from each other at the relatively small dining table in their royal chambers…”
Author's Note
April Fools, folks! Decided to turn any and every expectation on its head with this one. I hope you enjoyed.
Backstory if you want it:
Yes, the waifu couch is a real thing. No, I will not be sharing that photoshopped glory that it is with any of you. It started out as a joke with a picture of me nestled into a group of beautiful, cartoon girls. Then, because it's me, it quickly spiraled out of control. I now have a couch full of around 20 amazing cartoon women whom I love very dearly. All of my sapphic tendencies thrown into a nightmarishly intense pipedream that will only be realized (partially) in this fanfic.
And I decided to share it with you, you lucky bastard.
