Luna Shoves a Cellphone Up Her Plot

by Fiddlebottoms

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Sex, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 1012

Luna does a simple thing wrong, is adorable and dumb.

Luna shoves a cellphone up her plot, and the result is GREAT, CLASSIC LITERATURE!
Also a fart joke.
I'm very sorry.
Written in 30 minutes while singing (no, not listening to, but literally screaming it at the top of my lungs) Psychostick's "Dumb Song."
Image stolen from this sane individual.

Published 2012-09-04 04:44:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-04 04:44:01 UTC

First Chapter, One Shot, No Chance

Princess Luna stared at the object before her. A crack ran along the side of it and an antenna emerging from the top. This was either because the year was 2000 or it was one of those $5 TrotPhones they sell in the ghetto. Take your pick, it doesn't matter.

Luna reached out her hoof and shoved the object across the floor, jumping back in shock as it moved in reaction to her touch. This was because 1) the Princess had been on the moon for 1000 years, and 2) she had been a retarded shut-in for her entire life before and after that period.

It was a cute kind of retarded, though, like a kitten that keeps getting its head stuck in a jar, and that's why Celestia continued to tolerate her sister. Still, after about the 50th time she looked up and to the right to see the kitten mewling helplessly, she just wanted to grab a hammer and smash the glass. Maybe having her eyeballs shredded by sparkling fragments would teach the little furball a lesson.

Or she could leave an open container of Draino out. It might be funny to see her sister screaming and rolling on the floor in pain as the caustic fluids ate through her throat. Her coat would turn the most vibrant-

Celestia's daydreaming was interrupted by the Canterlot Voice administered directly into her ear, "WHAT DOST THOU CALL THIS ITEM?!"

The Sun Goddess rubbed her tender head, "It's a cellphone."

"Celled … phone," repeated one half of the absolute monarchy that governed the lives of millions of ponies.

"Yes, you use it to communicate with ponies who are far away."

Luna raised an eyebrow, "Why can't they speak to Us face to face? Are We ugly?" Not only dumb, but insecure. She was like a double scoop ice-cream cone of 'shouldn't be in charge of celestial bodies.'

"No. Sometimes ponies have something to tell you that is important, but not so important that they can be bothered to actually find you. That is why you must always carry your cellphone with you."

"What could be so important that you needed Us immediately, but not so important that you couldn't fly to Our location?"

"Let's say you went camping, but I wanted to know where you'd filed your T-190 Forms. Without a cellphone, I'd have to go looking for myself or wait until you returned, but with it you're just a few button pushes away. The next day I could call you again and ask about something else meaningless. Basically, with this I can effortlessly bother you anytime, in anyplace about anything forever, and you will never be able to escape."

"What is camping?"

Princess Celestia didn't respond to the question, only made an entry in her list of "Things I Can Write About My Sister Not Comprehending." It was a long list.

While she was writing, Luna managed to open the flip phone. Celestia wanted to be sarcastic about Luna's squeal of delight at accomplishing an incredibly basic task, but she was kind of impressed her sister had accomplished it too.

"What are these?" Luna pointed at the nubs on the face of the phone.

"Buttons."

Luna's already adorably large eyes bulged in incomprehension.

"How do you not know what buttons are when you play video games all day?"

"Oh!" Luna looked back at the phone, "Which one is for charged attacks?"

If Celestia had a bottle of Draino in reach, she would have drank it herself.

Luna adjusted the angle of her stylish fedora before walking through the doors into Burger Queen. Behind her she levitated a bag containing the latest "Cogs of Horsecraft" expansion pack. Suddenly, her thoughts were interrupted by a chiptune version of an anime theme.

No. She had checked out for the afternoon. Whatever it was could wait. She ignored the ringing until it stopped, drawing scathing glares from the other patrons.

There was a bing as she received a voice mail. Against her better judgment, Luna checked it.

"Luna, this is Celestia. I know you're off duty, but I need you to swing by Canterlot Castle and sign this T-190 Form for Requisitions of more T-series Forms."

The phone rang again. Another voice mail.

"Luna, this is Celestia again. I really need you to come in and sign this form now. It can't wait until you come back in four hours. Please call back right away."

"Then why don't you bring it to Us?" Luna muttered under her breath, before ordering her meal and walking back to a booth. She dropped the phone on the table and took a single bite of her veggie burger.

The phone rang again. The plastic bounced aggressively on the table. Luna stared at it, her bloodshot eyes bulged; her lips curled back in fury over enormous, slightly yellowed teeth. A piece of lettuce was stuck between two of them.

If only she knew some way to silence the abomination, but Celestia had tactically withheld that information.

Finally, one of the patrons, frustrated with having his meal interrupted by somepony else having their meal interrupted, shouted, "TAKE THAT BLASTED THING AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR PLOT!"

Luna was startled at the use of the Canterlot Voice by a commoner, so startled that she jumped to her hooves ready to respond before realizing he had a pretty good idea.

She levitated the ringing, vibrating, plastic nuisance in the air and shoved it where the sun didn't shine. She sat down, and barely repressed her goofy grin as Celestia called a fourth time.

Princess Celestia hadn't even left a message after her third call. As soon as it went to voice mail, she hung up and redialed, tapping her hoof on the ground. After five rings she heard a tone as the phone was answered.

"You finally picked up!" she shouted, "Wait? What is that burbling noise? Did you just put me on speaker phone?"

A very rude, very wet noise rattled the circuits of the phone.