Equestrian Football League

by bobdat

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4616

We bring you the entire season through the eyes and opinions of Fillydelphia's best sports radio.

With the 2012 Equestrian Football League season about to start, broadcasting duo Radio Dave and Butterfingers Jim bring you every second, right from the pony's mouth, live on Fillydelphia Radio Network, home of the Fillydelphia Eagles.

(A comic approach to the Equestrian Football League fantasy teams - link here http://games.espn.go.com/ffl/leagueoffice?leagueId=1050299)

Published 2012-09-03 18:34:03 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-21 17:41:52 UTC

Draft

“Hello everypony aaand welcome to Everfree Radio Music Hall here in Maaanehatten. I'm Radio Dave and here with me for our coverage of the first round of the EFL Draft (brought to you by Sweet Apple Acres Cider - the cider that's so sweet it'll knock you outta your boots!) is our resident expert, retired wide receiver Butterfingers Jim - but we all know him as just Jim. Ain't that right, Jim?”
“Sure as I dropped that pass in the Superbowl it is.”
“We've got just fifteen beautiful minutes between us and the first round of this, the twenty-twelve Equestria Football League draft, and the atmosphere here in the hall is just electric, eh Jim?”
“Like a toaster dropped into a bathtub.”
“Of course almost all of our faithful listeners here on Radio Dave's Super Sporting Super Hour Super-Draft-Edition will know all about the ten teams battling it out for the Superbowl crown, but for those foals among us who, heh, are too young to remember their names, here's the rundown. Remember folks, Radio Dave's Super Sporting Super Hour Super-Draft-Edition here on Fillydelphia Radio Network, the most exciting radio broadcaster since it was invented here in Fillydelphia and not, as some suggest, by a pony in Baltimare, is brought to you by Sweet Apple Acres Cider - if you're not drinking it, you must be choking!”

“Following an abysmal season, going 0-13 and setting numerous unwanted record such as lowest attendance and worst hot dog, picking first will be the Ponyville Packers! Under new management of course, they'll be looking to set some good records this season - maybe even boost the crowd to double figures!”
“Up second are the Baltimare Ravens who, as you will all remember, cheated in that final game last season to finish 1-12. Although they're picking second, all of the experts agree that they're guaranteed to go 0-13 this time.”
“Third is the Drum n Beats, with their eccentric owner Vinyl Scratch sitting in the centre of the front row here in Everfree Radio Music Hall. Let's hope his money isn't wasted again this year, as the Beats look to build upon a pathetic 4-9 record.”
“After the Beats come the Canterlot Chargers. Unlucky last season with the injury to their star quarterback, they're looking to rebuild under new management and push for a playoff spot. Of course, with Royalty frequently spotted in their home crowds, they'd better not disappoint or they might be the Moon Chargers next year!”
“To the moooooon!”
“Okay thank you Jim. Piiiicking fifth are the We$t$ide Flutter$hy$ - changing their name in the offseason to reflect their new owner, who said in a recent interview that he 'loves bling' and 'loves money' but he 'loves money more than bling'. Clearly an intelligent man, we're expecting big things from the $hy$.”

“Starting the second half are the Indianeighpolis Colts. Traditionally a young team, last season's Colts went 6-7 with an impressive passing record. Their team have matured now and will be looking for a winning record for the first time since before they were born.”
“Seventh are the New England Ponies - with a new coach this year, they'll be a force to be reckoned with. Expect an easy winning record and a push into the playoffs to match this last season's efforts. New England, new team.”
“I don't even need to tell you good folks that picking eighth are the invincible Fillydelphia Eagles. Expect big things from this team, including a Superbowl win! After the disappointing loss last season in the championship round, we're going to go all the way this year and the players will bring glory back to Fillydelphia!”
“Ninth are the Coltorado Broncos. Hammered 40 to nothing in the superbowl game at the end of last season, they've cured the drunkenness problem in their ranks and should reach the playoffs once again. Investigations of match fixing are of course, total nonsense.”
“And the last pick goes to the Horseshoe Bay Gallopers. The Gallopers are defending champions this year after throwing four touchdowns in the superbowl. Their team is already strong and they'll build on it in this draft. A challenge for all of the teams save the Eagles.”

“What are your final thoughts on this draft as we wait for it to get underway, Jim?”
“Go Eagles!”
“Never a truer word spoken as the commissioner steps up to the podium. This also seems like a good opportunity to remind all you listeners that I'm Radio Dave and this is my Super Sporting Super Hour Super-Draft-Edition, brought to you by Sweet Apple Acres Cider; there's never been a better time to take up drinking, and when you do, make it Sweet Apple Acres Cider. Here's the commissioner.”
“Hello everypony, and welcome to the EFL twenty-twelve draft. I'm pleased to welcome all ten teams in the league tonight, so without further ado, we'll start the clock. The season starts here.”
“Aaaand with that the Packers are on the clock. I'm looking forward to this one, are you Jim?”
“I'm looking forward to this more than I looked forward to getting married, Dave.”
“Interesting Jim, anyway it seems as if we already have a decision.

“With the first pick of the draft, the Ponyville Packers take Aaron Rodgers, quarterback.”
“A somewhat predictable pick there Jim, but it seems to have surprised some in the audience.”
“I'm more surprised than the time when I discovered my daughter was smoking-”
“Aaaaand here he comes, Mr. Rodgers is shaking the hand of the Packers owner and holding up a shirt with his new number on it, very nice. The Ravens are now on the clock, and it appears from up here that the buffoons still can't make up their mind. Oh no, here's the decision, they're giving it in. Thankfully it's multiple choice or they probably would have failed to choose a player.”

“With the second pick of the draft, the Baltimare Ravens pick Arian Foster, running back.”
“If he's not injured within five minutes of the season opened, I'll eat my hooves Jim.”
“I'll eat something poisonous, too.”
“Anyway, the unlucky Foster shakes the hand of the so-called owner and they disappear off to discuss how poorly he'll perform this season. Now on the clock are the Beats, who look like they are deep in conversation. Of course, the running back situation this year is especially difficult to call. Oh wait, it looks like they've decided - we've got a quick draft this year folks, looks like you'll be able to catch the end of Horseshoe Shore!”

“With the third pick of the draft, the Drum n Beats pick Ray Rice, running back.”
“Interesting pick, the running back are running off the board this time around, the pool of talent is just magnificent this year. The college systems around the country should be proud.”
“Oh, I didn't get to college Dave.”
“Well your NFL record says you were drafted two hundred and ninth from South Manehatten State?”
“Oh, you meant college? I thought you meant degrees and stuff.”

“With the fourth pick of the draft the Canterlot Chargers take LeSean McCoy, running back.”
“And that's the top three running backs off the board. The teams will now need to look at other options to improve their offences, and defences, to counter the killer running plays that these three teams will be using. What would you suggest, Jim?”
“Oh, I really don't know anything about offence. I left that to the offensive players during my career.”
“It looks as if the $hy$ have made their choice.”

“With the fifth pick of the draft, the We$t$ide Flutter$hy$ pick Chris Johnson, running back.”
“Looks as if they're concerned about the run-dominated league we're going to be having this year. Only one quarter back taken so far, and so many of the elite still there on the board. The Eagles will need to pull of an excellent pick in order to counter these new-look offences. The Colts are currently on the clock but they can't decide, and time is ticking away. They're going to cut if pretty fine, but no, looks like they're okay.”

“With the sixth pick of the draft, the Indianeighpolis Colts pick Tom Brady, quarterback.”
“Now we see the emergence of the elite quarterbacks. They're going to be required to put the points on the board; I'm expecting some high scoring games, what about you Jim?”
“I'm expecting high scoring games more than I was expecting my third daughter!”
“Now the Ponies are on the clock but the mighty Eagles are up next. They'll probably draft one of the elite quarterbacks, looking like we say, to get some high-scorers.”

“With the seventh pick of the draft, the New England ponies pick Calvin Johnson, wide receiver.”
“A top quality receiver, that will make them a tough team to beat. The corner backs will need to be exceptional to cover him, but thankfully the Eagles covering team look excellent this year. And we've made our pick, which quarterback will it be?”

“With the eighth pick of the draft, the Fillydelphia Eagles pick Maurice Jones-Drew, running back.”
“And there it is, the expected running back. He's something of a bargain as the eighth pick, I would have expected him to go far higher, maybe even top three Jim?”
“But you said we wanted a quarterback?”
“Like the coach, I've spotted an excellent prospect just begging to be taken in the second round. Anyway, the Broncos are on the clock and taking their time. Maybe they're writing an essay to explain who they're picking?”

“With the ninth pick of the draft, the Coltorado Broncos pick Drew Brees, quarterback.”
“Looks like no superbowl appearance for the Broncos as they choose the wrong strategy of taking an elite quarterback early. It's become clear that every team needs to work on their running game here. We've got the final pick of the first round upcoming and the Gallopers have already made their choice, they clearly know who they want.”

“With the tenth pick of the draft, the Horseshoe Bay Gallopers pick Marshawn Lynch, running back.”
“With a solid pick like that we'll definitely be seeing the Gallopers as contenders this season. Their running game is already strong and they'll be able to really take it to the opponents. The Eagles' coach will have to think carefully about how to organise the defence. What do you think, Jim?”
“I think the coach always has to think carefully.”
“And with that useful bit of inside knowledge from my companion Jim we'll sign off; the first round is done. We'll be bringing you live coverage of the second and third rounds tomorrow night unless the station decides to have that Michelle back on instead. Anyway, this is adios from both of us here in Manehatten and we hope you tune in next time to hear who the Eagles take as their second and third picks! I'm Radio Dave and this is the Super Sporting Hour Super-Draft Edition, brought to you by Sweet Apple Acres Cider; trust us, when you wake up the next day, you'll have acres all over.”

Week One

"Heeeelllllooooo and welcome back to Dave's Super Sporting Super Hour, the first of the regular season here on Fillydelphia Radio Network. As always, I'm here in the studio with Butterfingers Jim, Wire Receiver extraordinaire and bench warmer during the Eagles' last trip to the Superbowl."
"That's me, Dave. I'd just like to take this opportunity to remind listeners that I'll be at Fillydelphia Outlet Mall this Wednesday morning signing autographs. For free, of course."
"Head down to Fillydelphia Outlet Mall if you want a piece of history; just make sure he doesn't drop your pen! Anyway, we're here this afternoon to discuss the weekend's action - and what an exciting opening weekend it was! Of course, the disappointment over the performance of the Eagles will be our main talking point, but we'll bring you analysis of all of the games and see what the Eagles' chances are for the rest of the season. Plus, we'll be answering the phones to see what you thought of the game on Sunday. Remember folks, the coaches listen to this radio show, so get phoning in! And as always, Dave's Super Sporting Super Hour is brought to you here on Fillydelphia Radio Network by Sweet Apple Acres Cider - the best cider in all of Equestria! Don't believe us? Get a tankard from your local dealer and see for yourself!"

"So let's start with the mighty Eagles at the Beats. I certainly thought they could have won this one, Jim?"
"Well Dave, I didn't actually watch it so-"
"An unlucky six point loss to open the season for the Eagles, 103-109. It's widely regarded that they were let down by their flex position this week, with the player in question picking up a miserable three points - the worst performance on the team. Had he brought his A-game, we might've seen him get those extra six points for the victory. Latest reports suggest that he's been moved to the bench for next week's game. The game was never in the Eagles' favour, however; the Beats played an excellent game. It's worth remembering that the Eagles' 103 points would have been enough to beat six of the ten teams in the league. They just happened to be playing the Beats who have a strong team this year. What do you think, Jim?"
"The Beats are joint top of their division, so it was always going to be tough."

"Now we'll bring you some of the Eagles coach's post-game interview, it's interesting to see what he thinks went wrong."
"It was a terrible loss. The players let me down, the staff let me down, the pitch let me down, the officials let me down, the commentators let me down, the refreshments let me down. The only people who didn't let me down were the fans, who at least turned up. Oh wait, they were Beats fans anyway. If we can get that kind of support at our games, I'd be a lucky man. A game like this makes me question not just my job, but my involvement in the Equestrian Football League at all."

"Well, I think there are plenty of positives to take away from that, don't you Jim?"
"Oh absolutely. He was clearly impressed with the play calling."
"Shows he has high hopes for our first game here in the beautiful city of Fillydelphia, so I hope to see all of you listeners making the short trip to the Brown Soda Dome this coming Sunday to cheer on the Eagles as they take on the Gallopers. Should be a close game, with predicted scores exceeding 100 for both teams. The tone of the first home game will set the pace for the rest of the season, so if the mighty Eagles can win they'll be in a strong position to go 12-1 this time around."
"They might even go 13-0!"
"Well, anyway, let's move on to the other scores from around the league."

"Starting with the Eagles' next opponent, the Gallopers, who were at the Chargers. An exceptionally strong performance by the Chargers saw them score a fearsome 120 points, the highest in the league, and really that Gallopers had no chance with only 89 in reply. The Gallopers were mainly let down by their receiving team, with two of them only putting on 9 points between them. But they really didn't have much hope of coming away with a win when the Chargers were playing so well. It's looking like the Chargers will be the favourites for this season, especially if they play like that next week, when they're away at the Packers."

"The Packers themselves were away at the Colts and slipped to an 85-99 defeat. Serious problems for the Packers with very bad performances from their secondary running back and primary receiver, not to mention a truly terrible kicking game. The fact that they only lost by 14 points shows just how weak the Colts are. Their receivers looked particularly susceptible, but they had some strong running and came away with the win this time around. They have an easy-looking schedule early on though, so expect them to pick up some wins as they make their adjustments. Their next opponents are the Broncos, who were disastrous in their opener against the $hy$."

"Nobody on the team performed at all, with the exception of their starting QB. He must be frustrated since he scored a third of the team's 64 points. Their defence was so bad that they actually lost points, four of them. The $hy$ have room to improve, with weak running and receiving. But they racked up 94 points which is fairly respectable, right Jim?"
"Their defence was huge this time around, pulling off 18 points and just generally looking tough to beat. My hooves would have been shaking if I'd had to play this team."
"The $hy$ new owner will be pleased with his first win, and they'll have an easy second next week against the terrible Ravens. The Ravens actually managed to pull off a 104-71 victory this week, beating the hapless Ponies, but don't expect it to last. This win says more about the Ponies than the Ravens."

"Simply put, the Ponies didn't turn up. They were mediocre throughout and never looked as if they were going to challenge the league's worst team. No outstanding performances at all. The Ravens, on the other hand, look to have a tough running game but that shouldn't be a problem for the other teams in the league. The Ponies play the Beats next week, and will probably slip to another embarrassing loss."
"If I were the Ponies' coach, I would be hiding my face this week. Losing to the Ravens is inexcusable."
"Well said, Jim. Anyway that concludes our roundup; to summarise, it looks as if the Chargers will be leading the league this year, with the Ponies and Broncos propping up the table. What's your thought for the week, Jim?"
"Why are there so many poor wide receivers? In my day, every team had three or four quality performers."
"Absolutely, although you weren't one of them. Remember folks, Dave's Super Sporting Super Hour is brought to you by Sweet Apple Acres Cider - having a party? Nothing will make it go with a bang quite like Sweet Apple Acres Cider, but a barrel today! Now we're going to go to the phones, who's on line one?"

"Hi, mah name is Joe."
"Nice to hear from you Joe. Now, do you have a question for Jim or I, or do you just want to say something about our team?"
"Ah just wanted to say that ah think the Eagles are the very best team in the entire world. Go Eagles!"
"Thanks for that Joe, we totally agree with you. Who's on line two?"
"My name is Buttercup."
"Go ahead Buttercup."

"I wanted to ask Jim if, from his playing days, he thinks that the overall quality of the drafted wide receivers these past few years is decreasing? Only I've noticed a particular increase in the number of dropped catches and decrease in the Y-A-C figures every year."
"I don't think we'll ever go back to the golden days."
"Yes but should Equestria's colleges be trying to build up their wide receivers so that those drafted will be better?"
"That's up to the colleges. They're probably happy with their running games."
"But-"
"Okay thank you Buttercup. Line one again?"

"Oh my Celestia, hi, hi!"
"What's your name?"
"I'm Thistle."
"Welcome to the airwaves Thistle. What's your question?"
"Oh... I don't have a question. I just wanted to say that I am Jim's number one fan!"
"Well thank you kindly lass."
"Please come out of retirement!"

"Well Jim, fancy another fling in the EFL?"
"There's been a shift to the running game since I was a player, Dave. I wouldn't be able to post the same kind of numbers and folks would be saying I was past my best."
"Not to mention that you're fifty nine this year, Jim."
"There's that too."
"Anyway I think that's all we've got time for this week. Any final words, Jim?"
"Only that I'd like to remind everypony to come and get my autograph this Wednesday at Fillydelphia Outlet Mall. Especially my wife."
"Fantastic. Well this is Dave signing off on Dave's Super Sporting Super Hour on Fillydelphia Radio Network. Hope to see you all at the Brown Soda Dome on Sunday, and remember, this show is brought to you by Sweet Apple Acres Cider. It doesn't come in bottles for a reason! See you this weekend."

Week Two

"Up next, Dave's Sporting Hour. You may wish to switch stations."

"Hello everypony and welcome. Welcome of course, to Dave's Super Sporting Super Hour here on Fillydelphia Radio, where we've got all of the scores, the action, and the tantrums from around the league. As usual I'm joined here in the studio by Jim, how's it going?"

"Could be worse."

"How's the divorce?"

"Yeah... could be worse."

"Anyway let's move straight on to the scores on the doors, starting with our beloved Eagles, after this; imagine what Sweet Apple Acres Cider could do for you, and your family, today."

"The Eagles were at home this Sunday and of course, the fan support was outstanding. I commentated on the game for Fillydelphia Radio and I'm sure many of you listened in, both at the game and those of you unable to make it. There was non-stop cheering for the mighty Eagles right until the bitter end. Unfortunately the team were unlucky, losing 95-71 to the visiting Gallopers in a disappointing performance for all involved. They missed some good opportunities whilst the Gallopers took theirs, and simply couldn't keep it together in a final charge for victory. Let's hear what the coach had to say."

"I cannot believe that I'm still wasting my time with this team, they're a terrible outfit and I'd rather field a team of headless nuns than these miserable ponies. Come training on Monday, these slackers will be cleaning every toilet in the stadium with nothing but their bare hooves."

"What do you think of that, Jim?"

"Sounds like the coach is the right man for the job, Dave.

"Absolutely, and he's clearly looking to improve so that the Eagles will pick up their first W this weekend; we've already got reports of a quarterback shake-up and some movement amongst the wide receivers. These changes should be enough to secure victory in rural Ponyville on Sunday. Of course the Packers are also 0 and 2, losing in a close contest with the Chargers down on the farm. Speaking of farms, have you tried Sweet Apple Acres Cider? There's none better in all of Equestria."

"How do you rate the Eagles' chances against the Packers, Jim?"

"I've never liked the Packers."

"So you're picking an Eagles win?"

"I don't like to take sides, Dave."

"Well I'm certainly picking our brave home team, and hopefully we'll be here this time next week reporting on a great win."

"Other scores around the league; the Ponies slipped to 0 and 2 with a defeat against the unbeaten Beats by only two points - the Ponies could be one to watch in the coming weeks, their improvement since Week One has been impressive. This week's form team was the Broncos, racking up a Nelson of points against the Colts and winning 111-84. Nearly everypony is predicting an Eagles Broncos Superbowl this time around, which would certainly be an exciting game. And finally the terrible Ravens sneaked past the $hy$ thanks to some dubious officiating. Nobody knows just how the Ravens have managed to stay unbeaten so far this season, but I'm sure there will be an investigation by the league into bribery and match-fixing."

"Quite right too, nothing worse than cheaters who win."

"Well said Jim. Anyway, let's go to the phones now, who's on line one? What's your opinion on the Ravens cheating situation?"

"Oh, I don't know, I was just ringing in to ask a question."

"Shoot!"

"I'm doing my fantasy team and I was wondering, will the Eagles be high-scoring next week against the Packers?"

"Jim?"

"I really don't know anything about fantasy football."

"Well I'd say that it'll be a shoot out in Ponyville so go go go with the Eagles' offence."

"Gee, thanks."

"Who's on line two? Anypony got something to say about the Ravens?"

"No, I just wanted to say that you should all get yourselves down to Speedy Motor's Coach Emporium and pick up a huge bargain! That's right we've got all kinds of coaches from big to small, and they're all at prices right for you!"

"Hey now, get off the line, no free advertising here. Which reminds me, if you haven't stuck a quart of Sweet Apple Acres Cider down your throat yet, Jim here will come and do it for you! Line one?"

"Jim! I told you to stop calling me!"

"Well here now listeners, this is Mrs Jim Butterfingers live on the radio. Say hi to everypony, ma'am?"

"Shut up Dave. Jim, are you listening to me? I've told the police about you phoning me and following me and it's got to stop!"

"I just want you back!"

"But I don't want you! Leave me alone!"

"Sounds like we've got ourselves a debate here, anypony care to guess who'll win?"

"If you don't keep your huge nose out of this Dave, I'll be having words with your wife too."

"Well I think that on that note we can end the show, thankyou to all of the ponies who've phoned in and thank you to my co-host, Jim!"

"I've gotta go..."

"He'll be back, same time same place next week folks! Week three looks like an exciting match up for every team and we'll see who's leading the leagues come our next show. But for now, this is Radio Dave signing off on the Super Sporting Super Hour! Until next time, keep supporting those Eagles! Green pride! I'll leave you with what the Eagles coach had to say."

"I have never seen a worse display of football in thirty years. I'm so angry that I smashed my coffee cup in the dressing room. Oh yes, one of our tight ends is now on injury reserve. But quite apart from that, I've literally been tearing my mane out over this. See? This is a clump of my mane! In my hoof! Look!"

"Uhh, that's okay coach."

"Whatever, I just hope that next week my players don't act like such a bunch of spoiled foals who can't tackle or do anything without getting their hooves dirty. It was like watching Baltimare under-two fillies out there. They're not stallions, they're just fillies! I'm going to get the playbook and beat the worst offenders until they can't see out of either eye, and they will thank me for it. Nothing is worse than soft players, y'hear? In my day you could have your hooves torn off in a feisty tackle and still play to the end. I once shattered the spine of a weedy wide receiver and even he had the decency to keep lining up for snaps!"

"Well, thank you for the interview..."

"I'm going to go and self-mutilate so that I can deal with this ridiculous team I'm supposed to be coaching. If the home dressing room burns to the ground in an inferno I won't be sorry."

"That was Radio Dave's Sporting Hour. We apologise."