The chaos of man

by Da FUQ!

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Random, Adventure
Length: 5441

Yes an HiE fic, deal with it

This is a story about a 'brony' named Austin that wakes up in equestria. The rest of the story will develop as I write it but rest assured chaos will be involved (in a positive way) I am pretty much using random padding and then making a story out of it. Critisisim is appreciated and advice is needed

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-19 19:38:04 UTC

The night and human magic

Eventually I found myself in the field that I arrived in equestria at and lay down in the grass to stare up at the stars  i then tried to find constellations in the sky and I found that where Orion would be was Orion but he was a pony, a unicorn to be precise and I figured that that made sense seeming as though Orion was a human on earth and humans where the dominant race on earth and in equestria it was a pony and well you know the rest. I could not recognize any other constellations.

      I started to let my mind wander and it found itself on the comparison of the night on earth to the night in equestria and I thought to myself,

"the night is so much nicer without light pollution."

 Then I saw Luna beside me and she said,

 "I am glad that you like my night"

 then I realized that I thought out loud and face-palmed myself feeling stupid and then I asked,

"do you come to this field often?"

"only when we sence a presence of a being with a heart of gold and a plethora of chaotic energy"

 she replied I said in a abnormaly calm voice considering the events that have transpired

"hmmm I did not know of chaotic energy within me but I guess that explains how I got here in the first place. Do you mean you and celestia or are you still getting used to modern language?"

 she said,

" I do mean celestia and I sir Austin, but yes we both assume that on your world you where building chaotic energy without knowing how to release it so the energy eventually manifested itself in to a portal to something you desired. And since your theory on universes is actually the correct one the portal could be opened"

I quickly responded,

"wait, how do you know so much about me and my personal theories on the multiverse theory"

"sorry I had to read your mind so that I could see that you are not a threat to equestria"

 and eventually she left and I started to drift off into yet another dream less sleep. When I woke up I forgot I was in equestria and went through my normal routine I jumped off my lofted bed (in reality I was floating in my sleep) I went to my dresser and took out some clothes (in reality I just looked like a mime getting dressed) then I went to the restroom down the hall (the first door looked like I was a mime yet again but on the bathroom door a door materialized in front of me and inside it from one side was a small human bathroom) then I realized where I was at and then I became aware of the bathroom that I made

      I then said "Da FUQ?!"

 and then I tried opening a door to my room and it worked! I went in my room and grabbed my katana so that I could stash it by the everfree just In case  of an attack on ponyville then I realized that I was floating in my sleep so then I thought

 "in equestria I must have a lot of strange magic, maybe this is the chaotic energy Luna told me about"

 so I spent the day learning my magical abilities apparently if I think something would happen (subconsciously or not) it would i then thought of a great prank to pull on twilight...

I then floated into town incognito trying as hard as possible to make my way to the library with as little fuss made about me as possible. All in all ponyville was being a lot like manhattan (yes its supposed to be a reference to a earth town) that day no pony looked up. I floated into a window and I stuck to the ceiling and then put on my best discord voice (witch is terrible by the way) and said

"IT IS I DISCORD I HAVE COME TO MAKE A MOCKERY OF MYSELF AND GET DEFEATED BY THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY ONCE AGAIN!"

At this she looked around the room for the source of the noise and said,

"who are you I know your not discord"

At this I dropped down from the ceiling but only my head so I was floating upside down and said,

"awww was I not convincing enough? Darn I thought I did a pretty good impression"

She jumped at the sight of me floating upside down in the library and then said,

"how are you doing that? I thought humans didn't have magic. But that was a good prank though I almost thought it was dash or pinkie"

I relayed my knowledge back to her in the best I could and said,

"I guess some humans have magic but don't know how to use it I think Luna said something about me building up chaotic energy and then subconsciously teleporting my self to a place I desired to be in order to release the energy I had built up. I personally think that chaotic energy can cause insanity if it is left in your body too long and that's what happened to discord. "

She was surprised by my serious tone  all of a sudden and just stood there mystified  by my long and deep comment

"wow that's an intelligent outlook on things you should write a book on that."

I simply stated,

"nawwww I'm a terrible writer I'd probably never be able to write a story that has more than 3000 words when I'm writing I often get lazy and skip minor details but when I'm talking I go into the small details because I find it easier to talk than to write but I'm working on that, but a book maybe that would be something that I could tell somepony else and have them write down, like a scribe or something and they could then also expand on my ideas and perfect them"

She than said,

 well that's what I did with this book on human history that I wrote from your recollection of your history classes"

She then showed me a large book titled "the history of the human race" I read the authors on it and it said

By: twilight sparkle and Austin Butcher

I said

"wow you actually turned that pile of notes in to an actual book, did you send it to be published?"

"well  I was about to send a copy of it to celestia to read but then you started dropping down from the ceiling and talking like discord"

"oh yeah sorry I impeded your book teleporting carry on"

I said as she duplicated the book and sent a copy straight to celestia via spike

Meanwhile at the royal palace:

Celestia was about to settle down and read a book when a magical green flame came in through the fireplace she thought

"oh look a new friendship report from twilight that will do!"

Then where she was expecting a letter materialized a whole book that was about human history. The princess didn't get surprised much but this was one of the few times she was and it was a shame for she just took a drink of her afternoon tea.

The chaotic field

Back in the library,

"So... What are your plans now Austin"

Twilight said after the book was sent on its way and I replied

"well I think I'll see if that field I arrived in can be used for a house of mine because if my calculations are correct at exactly 12:38 am princess Luna will be in the field to check up on me and will look at the stars until I say something about her presence. Really I'm just going to spout a seemingly random comment about using the land one minuet after she arrives."

She asked what math I used and I said the math of chaotic impulse and she just took it like a pinkie thing and changed the subject.

"ok then how are you going to build the house, I mean it's not like you have any bits"

I contemplated this fact and said

"then I'll ask to borrow a pick and a shovel the rest will probably be chaotic. I'm thinking of having an M.C. Escher stairwell like this"

At that I pulled a copy of Escher's relativity from thin air (stewie on family guy called it crazy stairs) twilight said

"I can't see how that could ever work."

Then I pulled out a copy of his original waterfall and said

"then I guess this wouldn't work as a water feature would it"

She just stood there and facehoofed at my silliness. She then said

"well it would only work if you can reach the top of these stairs"

and pulled out the 'endless staircase' picture from her saddlebag

"now you're getting the hang of it!"

I exclaimed and then summoned a mini storm cloud that rained espresso over my coffee mug (that I just spawned from air). The espresso rain wasn't as good as the coffee from the night before but it was still good. By the time I finished my coffee it was 10:55 so I said goodbye and went to the field it was only 11 o'clock by then so I started making a mental plan for my house I eventually decided to make it a small cottage with a bedroom that had a lofted bed in it (because why not?) and a kitchen across the hall and then a nice living room to the side of them both with a game room on the other side (like pool and poker and maybe an pinball machine) the bathroom would be as the bedroom was to the kitchen and a small hallway between all the rooms. It was then 12:40 and then I said nonchalantly

"I wonder if celestia would let me build a home here?"

Luna then said,

"well that's funny she just asked for you to be brought to the castle."

"well then lets fly!"

I said as I jumped in the air and started floating towards Canterlot. On the way to the palace me and Luna had a chat about the real plans for my house.

"well I'm thinking just the plot of land would be great and if I could borrow tools like a pickaxe, stone saw, shovel, triangular mortar thingy. You know that kind of stuff I'll just collect the recourses that I need from under the plot. Besides, it'll make a great basement!"

Well that seems nice a little stone cottage in the middle of a field, what will you use the rest of the land for?"

"I don't know maybe as a training area for my chaotic magic or a chaotic beverage bottling area or something. I haven't really thought of that really."

After that we arrived at the castle she took me in through celestia's balcony and then Luna left and we talked,

"so why did you summon me today?"

"I just wanted to see the co author of this book you and twilight wrote, you really remember your classes well and your feelings about the wars and such is really relatable to the average pony, I never knew that a human could be so gentle you'd make a great advisor to royalty."

"why thank you princess coming from you that means a lot! So you know of our history too?"

"yes I do. Being an alicorn and all allows me to see into other universes and the like."

"that must be strange."

"yes it is sometimes it's sickening and sometimes it's hilarious"

"well can I ask you a favor"

"sure anything within reason for a noble guest to our lands."

"well that's just it I would like to build a home in the field that I arrived in and I request the ability to use that land and some tools to build the house"

"why that sounds acceptable and I will mark your territory with a spell that negates all forms of small acts of chaotic magic for you."

Thank you princess celestia I am grateful for your great generosity I hope to send a picture of my house when u am finished!"

"that would be lovely"

With that I traveled back home I found that she gave me practically the whole field almost up to the everfree. So I went about building my home. First I dug a hole until I found stone, this took a while because the dirt went deep. After that I mined some stone, I mined about 3 tons of stone and about 2 tons of dust. Then I built the floor, it was made of a couple of wooden planks I conjured along with some supports against the wall I filled in with my own recipe of concrete. Next I built all the walls, since I didn't have any materials other than stone the inside walls where almost the same as the outer walls just more paint. Then I built the roof, luckily I found some slate in the basement and I used I for the roof(along with cement). By the time I was done I had a nice house it was one floor with a bedroom down the hall when you came in the door (straight ahead). On your left when you walked in the door was a living room (with randomly colored and placed furniture!) and on the right was the dining room (a stone table and cookware bit chaotic chairs that where rainbow polka dot colored and then you walk past those rooms and then you find my bathroom and the kitchen. After that I was tired so I went all the way down the hall and went to sleep in a lofted bed.

A dream and a party

   I woke up and went along with my normal routine. When I was brushing my teeth I noticed that I needed to shave. So I thought to myself

"why not get my katana? I mean might need it later anyways and it's my katana I like it" so I put on some pants and went over to the everfree flying. The bad part was that I forgot that chaos didn't work at the border of my property so I started too fall when I got there. I muttered to myself "shit" and plummeted to the ground, luckily I was going fast enough that I started floating again about a foot from the ground.

"whew!"

     I sighed and looked around then I realized that I was actually nearly sitting on the sheathed sword. I quickly picked it up and started tuning toward home and after three yards I jumped and floated into my house. I then unsheathed the katana and started shaving. When I finished I sat down on the sofa in the living room that was placed in the corner facing it, when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and saw pinkie armed with party supplies and one long word that was supposed to be a sentence

"hiimPinkiePieandimheartothrowyoua'welcometoponyvilleparty'anda'housewarming'partysoifyoudontmindcanistartputtingupthedecorations"

I stood there for a minuet trying to decipher what she said In less that a second what should have taken at least five seconds before saying

"sure you might want to move the furniture around first though so be my guest"

     After the word 'sure' she was through the door and setting up the banners and streamers. After that I went to the bathroom and put my sword in my bedroom. Soon she was done and a plethora of ponies came to my small cottage so I then thought "well with this many ponies i should make this an outdoor thing too" so I called over pinkie and said to her

"there are way too many ponies here maybe we should make have some of the party outside"

She agreed and we started setting up things outside. at one point I pulled a lawn chair out of midair and pinkie said,

" I thought I was the only one that could do that!"

 I replied

"well I guess that you are a master of chaos then"

And thought to myself "you know that would explain a lot " then she just went back to work and as if to prove that she could do the same as I she pulled out a table with some candy, chips, and dip on it and set it on the ground. Not to be outdone I summoned a full buffet of pony cuisine and placed it next to hers and then we looked around and then started to enjoy the party.

     Hours passed and the ponies of ponyville came to know me. Eventually the party ended and everyone went home (I'm not saying everypony because I'm not a pony nor is spike and there  was a griffin there for a while) I then went to my bedroom to go to sleep. I had a dream that night it was a strange dream.

I was in a square room that was about 20 square feet. The walls where stark white and the room was lit by a single candle that just stood there flickering. I was sitting in a fold-out chair in the center of the room at an plain aluminum table with nothing but the candle on it. Across from me sat a strange creature that was half woman half dragon and it looked menacing in the dim light. Then it said to me

"be careful what you wish for"

In a voice like a glass harp and a base guitar at the same time

The next day I was awoken by a knock on the door around 10:30. I put on some pants and headed to the door. the dream from last night popped into my head. I disregarded it as a dream that made no sense. Like the time I dreamed I woke up and was a girl. It was just nonsense. I got to the door and saw the cutie mark crusaders at my door. I immediately asked them

"looking for your cutie marks?"

Sweetie bell said

"yep we thought that maybe you could help us since you seem like a smart person."

Scootaloo added

"also we thought you might be able to show us some cool chaos tricks!"

I said

"well I'll just have to see what I can do there, so how about a chaos trick I call 'the rainbow dragon'?"

They all replied

"that sounds cool!"

I then floated high in the air and made a Chinese dragon shape around me that was rainbow in color. Then I flew straight down at them also flaming as I made my decent leaving a multicolor smoke trail on the way down and at the last second the dragon separated from me, split into 8 pieces that flew up into the air and exploded into a blazing spectacle of light ,smoke and magic. I now stood In front of the little ponies that just stared in awe. Wanting to move forward i then asked the crusaders

"well then as for your cutie marks I don't know one thing I know though is that although doing activities as a group Is fun, you all need to make sure you enjoy it and personally I believe that trying 100 things once will be less effective that finding something you enjoy, and preferably a non-destructive thing, and doing it 100 times and if you fail in that endeavor at least you had fun doing it. But I can make a list of activities for you if you want"

Afterwards i made a list. First of things they had done , next of things they haven't the later list went like this

Inventing

2.chaos

3.archery (don't ask me how to pull a bowstring with hooves)

4.potions/chemistry

5.architecture

Then they went off to try the things on the list. I then walked into town smiling...

Why did I come here?

I walked into the town square then I asked myself 'ok then now why did I come to town' I then just started walking around and ponies said hi to me and smiled at me I felt at home. I walked around sweet apple acres and then I struck an idea...

 I floated to a tree and sat in it I made an rainbow dash shaped decoy in the ten biggest trees. The decoys where ridiculously realistic also it was apple bucking season aj got tithe first decoy she then said

"Not again rainbow get out of that tree i need to buck it!"

She waited and then went to the next tree and muttered something about you better learn you're limits dash and then went to the next tree witch also had a 'dashcoy' in it but she caught on too quickly

"Austin get these decoys out uh mah trees"

"dang it! I guess it's true that you can tell a lie about 10 feet away."

I replied as I snapped my fingers getting rid of the decoys

"yep they where verry live-like though, so whatcha doin round these parts anyway"

"believe it or not I asked myself the same question a minuet ago to be honest"

"well thats downright strange but ah believe ya"

"well a walk around is always nice though"

"ah think ya might want to check in on twilight she said something about you're book selling like crazy"

"hmmm that's always nice maybe i can get a few bits from it because I have exactly 0 at the moment"

"how have you been eat'n an building your house then"

"funny thing celestia let me borrow a few tools to build it with and gave me a rather large piece of land to build on anyway I think I'll be going now"

"Ok then bye Austin have ah nice day"

And I tried teleporting I snapped my fingers and was gone I arrived at the door to the library and arrived thare just as twilight was leaving needless to say she was supprised

" AHH! Oh it's you"

"I'm not sure if I should mark this trial of teleporting as a success or not how about you?"

"I guess it is a success but is that what you came to ask me about?"

"no actually I heard that our book was selling well and was wondering if you received bits for it yet?"

"well actually I was just heading out to give you the bits the princess sent me from the book sales."

"Oh then I saved you some walking then"

I took the bag from her levitational grasp and dropped the bag. It was HEAVY so I asked ,

"how many bits are in here, 472,825,480!?"

"actually exactly that many"

"ok that's a lot of money! I think this will be more than enough for at LEAST 100 years, even if I'm foolish with it!"

"that's fairly accurate it was so large she actually had to have some armored guards carry it"

"Well I think I'm going to teleport this home now do you have a spell for that if I have a backbone of a spell I think I can find a way to convert it to use chaos instead of harmony.

"sure it's just like this"

She showed me a book on teleportation and in an hour I had it down. I teleported the bag into my bacement in a hole too small for any pony to fit in.(I maybe in equestria but something just tells me that even this place has problems) I said "Auf Wietersehn" to twilight and started walking to no place in particular.

I eventually found myself back at sweet apple acres (go figure) I thought to my self "do all roads in ponyville eventually lead to this place?" and saw that the apples where working a small tavern out of their barn and I decided to check it out. I walked in the door and sat down at the bar. Applejack greeted me and said,

"Howdy Austin, how are ya?"

"I'm doing good AJ how about you?"

"well if ponies keep coming in tonight like they are now I'll say we'll be doin pretty darn good!"

"that's good what do ya serve here anyways"

"well we serve a lot of stuff, mostly apple related liquor at this hour though like sour apple whiskey, hard apple cider, a few beers, and all of our apple pastries of course , so whatal ya have?"

"hmmm it all looks good, what do you recommend?"

"well the whiskey might be a little strong for ya so I reccomend the cider."

"is that a challenge?" I said with a smirk

"well only if your pony enough"

"oh come on now your just egging me on!"

"well then what'll it be?"

"I'll have a pint of cider then I'll beat your flank in a whiskey drinking contest" I said with a competitive smile

"Bring it two legs!"

I drank my cider and it reminded me of a beer that my dad let my try back on Earth, it was a cider that reminded one of beer, not the other way around. So I turned to AJ and said,

"now let's get this party started!"

Pinkie popped up beside me and said

"What party!?!?"

"just an expression pinkie"

"oh, are you having a drinking contest with AJ? Because I wanted to tell you that they get really expensive if you don't pass out early on and then you might have to..."

I cut her off

"yes pinkie and I know my limits and it's all in good fun right AJ?"

"eeyep"

And pinkie disappeared into thin air I muttered "well I guess that's pinkie for ya." And AJ and I started the contest. The whiskey tasted like well whiskey (about a 60 proof whiskey) and sour apples it made my lips pucker more than it made my throat burn. We where on our 20th round of shots and a small crowd had gathered it appeared that they where making bets on who would lose most bet on AJ winning and the ones who where staggering bet on me. This went my for sometimes around 30 more rounds and then...

Chapter 1

     So I was just laying awake in my bed one night and listening to a green day song and reading a story on fimfiction. I started to get tired it was 2:34 am and I said to myself " yep time to sleep now" so I put my iPod in its speaker and put the music on quietly and slowly drifted into a dreamless sleep. When I woke up I was in a field that was a vibrant green and to my left was a forest about 50 meters away, the forest was dark and had a foreboding air about it. To my right was a small town. In front of me a little ways away was a small cottage

       The first thing I thought when I woke up was "where the hell is my iPhone?" the next thought to come to my mind was "when did I get dressed?" really my mind was just trying to ignore the "elephant in the room" but eventually the obvious won out and I started to asses my situation. "so a scary dark forest and a town" I began to mumble to myself quietly "well I guess I'll just start heading to that cottage after all I could be anywhere" then a laughed to myself "ha even ponyville!" after that I found out that I had an excruciating headache.

     After a minute of walking I looked at the cottage again and I thought" wait a second, this is fluttershy's cottage!" then guess who came down the walkway? Fluttershy, I thought to myself for a second about what happened then the shyest pony in equestria went up and talked to me. "hello little creature are you lost?" I then replied " I'm not sure." she was surprised to hear me speak and then asked "what are you?" I then replied "I'm a human and I'll bet you're next question would be how did I get here and that I do not know myself." Then she said I should go into town and see what's around. I guessed why she wasn't shy around me was because in this world I guess I am technically an animal in this world and I quickly dismissed the question. It was a little bit of a walk and I let my mind wander to my world (background time!)

     I'm a high school sophomore and overall life was pretty good. I can be insane but only when I need to be. I'm a pacifist to an extent.I really don't like anyone to be upset, for any reason. I see some fit reasons for fighting and most of those are defense. Not just self defense though. I'm a good advisor but not really a good leader. I get stressed at all the bullshit that society feeds down our throats and that real conflict and drama is all encouraged and we are told to exaggerate what is deemed necessary for things.(back to the story!)

     I thought about how everyone is so unhappy on earth. I looked at all the smiling faces around me and I felt like maybe equestria is a utopian society. I was in town for about five minuets until I ran into twilight. She is my favorite pony on the show, luckily I was able to maintain a professional composure when I met her. She looked up at me and said "hello my name's twilight sparkle! Whats yours?" I then said "hello I'm Austin Butcher." she then said "are you a human? I read about them In a book once and you fit the description quite well!" "well yes I am, what did this book say about the human race though?"I responded and she said "it said that you are violent creatures without magic or wings and that you fight each other for almost no reason at all." "that is mostly true but there are some humans that do not like fighting unless someone else started it. Like me" I said then twilight pulled out a quill and a parchment to take notes.

      I told her about human history, I left out nothing. After I was done she had a large volume of human history with the footnotes of my feelings about it all, by then it was around midnight. She then said "oh dear I'm sorry I kept you up so late, do you have a place to stay?" I replied "actually it's no problem at all I'm actually a insomniac anyways so it's really no problem at all, as for a place to sleep just give me a double shot of espresso and I'll be great." so she made some coffee and asked "is coffee something that most humans drink?" I replied "most can't wake up in the morning without at least a couple cups of the hyper-cafinated beverage. But the younger ones still dont like it because of its biter taste and most parents don't let them, but I actually Teethed  on biscottis!" "oh well that's interesting, where your parents big coffee drinkers?" she replied and I started taking a drink of the coffee and simply nodded my head. The coffee was the best I have ever drank! It was true that earth ponies truly where the best gardeners or farmers or whatever! It was a bold blend with a hint of cinimon in the beans themselves! And the cream was truly the best you could make it was obious that the ponies took better care of their animals then we did (the ones that we don't kill) I could go on forever about the sugar they use and the caffeine was well it would kill a lesser man who was not as addicted as I was.

     After I finished sipping my coffee I said jokingly " hey coffee practically runs in my blood!" she took me literally though and said " really!? That sounds painfull!" and continued to rant about how coffee blood would make live dificult, I then replied "twilight. It was a metaphor" and she kind of looked embarrassed at not realizing it sooner so I finished my drink and whent for a walk around town.