This One's for Earth.

by Hotel_Chicken

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Equestria Girls, Rainbow Dash (EqG), Starswirl the Bearded, Main 7 (EqG), Profanity, Random, Violence, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1607

The human Rainbow Dash and her friends enjoy a good old fashioned game of beat up a wizard.

The Humane seven come over to Equestria with Sunset Shimmer to celebrate the defeat of the terrible trio. While having a fun time, the human Rainbow Dash overhears one strange stallion’s suggestion for what to do with the petrified villains. Needless to say, she’s pretty pissed.

Audio reading curtsey of StraightToThePointStudio. Check out some of their other audio readings.

Published 2021-02-28 18:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-02-28 18:40:01 UTC

Buck You Very Very Much.

It was odd how a fun party could become so quiet at just one question. Granted, it was a really loud question that almost made Rainbow Dash’s throat bleed, but it was still a strange feeling to listen to the sounds of idle conversations die.

The human athlete, along with her closest friends from Earth, came to celebrate their friend Twilight, the magical pony not the smoking hot nerd she'd steal a glance or two from, on becoming a goddess and the pony equivalent of a god-emperor.

Before they could even say hello, the humans and the dimension-hopping unicorn they rode in on were shuttled off to a secure bunker under the castle of friendship to wait out, no joke, Armageddon. A giant demon centaur, a bug empress, a psychotic child goddess, and a bunch of undead horses whose wails brought on an eternal winter had come like Equestria's own version of the four horsemen to announce the beginning of the end. If it weren’t for the fact that the world could have ended at any moment, Rainbow Dash would have thought it was epic.

Of course, being a group of humans who barely understood their new or missing appendages, the teens turned ponies were forced to wait for any good news as Sunset Shimmer, the only one who was used to being a magical pony, teleported away from the guards to see if she could help. One giant conclusion later, and everyone had gathered at the friendship castle to celebrate as the trio of villains were frozen in stone and placed in Canterlot’s garden.

Everything in the party was amazing… at least until she overheard a certain stallion.

“Princess Twilight,” the merlin wannabe stated firmly. “I insist that we use the portal to banish those three monsters. Even if they’re encased in stone, I’m sure they’ll break out again just as Discord did. When I was fighting off the greatest evils, they stayed banished, with the only exception being the Pony of Shadows. Everything else that I and my colleagues banished has remained trapped in their prison. The sirens, the memory stone, my time twirler, and Cthulhu haven’t come back since being sent to the other world with my portal spell. I’ve used it plenty of times to get rid of other threats, it won’t be difficult to throw in those trouble makers as well.”

“YOU DID WHAT?!” Rainbow Dash yelled, causing the partying ponies, yaks, griffons, and all other magical and strange creatures to stop as the inter-dimensional twin of one of their heroes glared at the magician.

“You’re the fucker who’s been sending magical shit over to Earth?!” Rainbow Dash shouted.

“Hey, hey, what’s going on?” Sunset Shimmer asked as she trotted up to Rainbow’s side along with the rest of her friends.

“He’s the one who made the portal spell and tossed in all the magic junk we have to deal with!” she explained as she pointed an accusatory hoof at the robbed wizard.

“Ya mean yer the reason why the sirens came to our world?” Applejack asked with a scowl as Rarity joined her side.

“You sent that dreadful memory stone through the portal?”

“You sent that weird time tiller thingy that made Sunset relive the same day for a month?!” The usually sweet and cheerful Pinkie Pie demanded with a scornful tone.

“You put our world in danger?” Fluttershy, the timidest of their group asked with a frown and a light glare.

“Um… I’m angry too!” Sci-Twi added on, causing her friends to glance at her. “What? You all already listed the big disasters, I just wanted to be included.”

“Well, you can be included in us taken this creep to pound town!” Rainbow Dash said as she hammered her hooves together.

“Dash… I don’t think that means what ya think it means,” Applejack stated, though Rainbow Dash ignored it.

“Guys, I’m sure this is all a misunderstanding,” Sunset tried to calmly explain. “Starswirl the Bearded has been dead for millennium, I'm sure Rainbow Dash just misheard them or something.”

“Actualllllyyyy,” Princess Twilight trailed off as she, wisely, took a step away from the target of her other dimensional friends’ ire. “Starswirl and the others came back about a year ago… Surprise?” Twilight stated nervously.

“… You’re the mother bucker who made that mirror?!” Sunset demanded. “Why, in Celestia’s fat flank, would you make a magic mirror that shows you your greatest desire and opens to another world every few years?! Why would you just send all of those dangerous magical items and villains to a magic-less world?! Buck, do you know how much damage you could have caused? Faust knows what the sirens were able to do before we stopped them! I’m pretty sure they helped start a few wars, because you let them do whatever the buck they wanted in a defenseless world! And don't even get me started on the bucking Memory Stone! Wallflower needs therapy because of you!”

“Um… To be fair, Clover the Clever actually sent the Memory Stone to your world,” Starswirl tried to defend, causing Rainbow Dash’s glare to grow harsher.

“And I’m guessing you taught him that sending his problems to another world was a good idea, right?”

“Uh… W-well I… I am very sorry for any inconvenience—"

“The Sirens turned my school into a bunch of mind controlled slaves.” Rainbow Dash said flatly, "After that, we ended up forgetting almost all of high school, our best friend, because of your stupid memory stone. And then we had to fight a girl who was possessed by magic, another girl who had a magical limbo mirror, and a fuck ton of other shit. I don’t remember the whole time-travel thing, but I think it’s pretty fucking stupid to call it an ‘inconvenience.’ You turned our world, my home, into your own trash can without thinking about anyone you'd hurt. So, I only have one thing to say you, you Santa Claus reject,” she stated coldly as she marched up to the stallion and pulled her hoof back. “This one’s for Earth.”

In the blink of an eye, the pegasus’ hoof connected with the old wizard’s muzzle, causing Starswirl to fly back as the force of a sonic rainboom was compressed into a hoof. Not a hoof, wing, or claw was raised in the wizard’s defense as the enraged mare stalked closer to her fallen prey.

"And these next few dozen, they're going to be for my friends," she said as the stallion tried to lift himself up.

Sunset Shimmer, being the only magic user willing to touch him at the moment, unceremoniously lifted him in the air as she and her friends trotted up to Rainbow’s side. They shared a wordless agreement to all leave at that moment while their Pinkie Pie quickly hugged Princess Twilight and excused them from the party.

“Sorry Princess, we gotta go beat up an old man! Awesome party by the way, good luck with being the sole ruler of a country for the next millennium until something happens that wipes your efforts from history. Oh, and other me, once again, awesome party, see you at mine tomorrow!” she said before bouncing away to join her friends.

"Prinncess! Somepony! Please save me!" he desperately called as his wails grew quieter.

Twilight, being the new leader of Equestria, watched helplessly as they dragged the stallion away while her own Pinkie Pie waved them off. There was an awkward tension in the room as every creature looked around, silently asking each other if any of them knew what exactly just happened. Pinkie Pie, being the ball of energy that she was, zipped over to a record player that had been conveniently turned off and resumed the music.

"What are we all standing around for, this is a party!" she cheered happily as she pulled a rope to reveal an additional party banner that read, “All’s Well That Ends Well Party!”

The party resumed with the music drowning out the desperate pleas of an arrogant stallion just outside the castle, his cries falling on deaf ears as every creature enjoyed their time.

"How did you have another banner ready?" Twilight asked as she faintly heard the sound of a beard being ripped off someone's muzzle.

"My Beard! N-No, don't-glugh!"

"I always have an emergency banner ready in case of fights. I also knew that Starry'd be here, and knowing what he did, welllll it was pretty obvious that this would happen. I talk to myself, or myself talks to me? Anyway, we talk a lot and when I told her he'd be here, well she was mad and warned me to get the emergency party kit ready."

"P-Please! I didn't mean it!"

"Wait, if she knew that Starswirl was here, then why did she pretend like Rainbow Dash found out first."

"N-not the bat! Not the bat! Please!"

"It's because a Pie never throws the first punch unless it's in a bowl, but she'll always throw the last punch." A bone broke outside, eliciting a girlish scream to pierce through the air. Pinkie Pie adjusted the music to an appropriate level to drown out the violence. "She'll always throw the last punch," she stated with an ominous smile.

"... Did he say 'Cthulu' earlier?" Twilight wondered as she decided to drop the issue and let her other worldly friends take care of it.

"Wait! Wait! Not my horn, don't-OH SWEET FAUST, I'M SORRY!!"

In the end, it was a party most creatures wouldn't forget, and one that would haunt a stallion for many years to come.