It’s Really Not a Surprise At All
“Uh, I’m pretty sure we’re not supposed to be in here.”
No matter how impossible it seemed, the Cutie Mark Crusaders somehow always managed to find themselves in the most bizarre of all places. Like back in Ponyville when they somehow got past the bouncer and found their way in that weird adult place. The one where thin mares swung on poles and wore those really weird pants.
This situation was new to the fillies. They swore they were just exploring the castle. Their sisters just took them to meet the princesses, and they somehow managed to find themselves in a vault filled with dangerous magical weapons that could easily destroy all of Equestria in a blink of an eye. Though really, who keeps their vaults unlocked? And there guards asleep? After Goat-Thingy-whatever-the-hell-his-name-was just appeared out of an accident that was caused by three other yellow, white, and orange fillies?
“I don’t know Sweetie. It was unlocked, so I’m pretty sure this whole thing is open for anypony,” Scootaloo remarked as she began to rummage through a cart of mini bombs. “Kind of like those boring museums Cherillee always takes us to.”
“None of those are active weapons of mass destruction! And be careful with those!” Sweetie hissed. Scootaloo paid the unicorn no mind, dropping down the cart before proceeding to search through the next case of destructive material.
“Hey girls! Look what ah found!” Apple Bloom remarked as she came waddling towards Sweetie and Scootaloo in a full set of chainmail. Sweetie Belle shrieked in horror at the terrible fashion at display. Also, the fact that she shouldn’t be wearing armor in the first place.
“All right Apple Bloom! That looks awesome! Maybe you’ll get your cutie mark in armor wearing!” Scootaloo cheered, pumping a hoof in the air.
Apple Bloom’s eye widened with excitement. “You really think so? Ah mean, this armor did seem to fit me as sung as a bug in a wheat field. Maybe ah have a knack for this sorta’ thing.”
“Uh, I hate to break it you Apple Bloom, but that’s probably magic armor. It’s just magic that makes it fit you like that.”
Scootaloo glared at Sweetie Belle. “So? That doesn’t mean anything! Maybe I could get my cutie mark in weapon searching. And maybe you could get her cutie mark in bitching and moaning! Wonder how that would look like on your flank?”
Sweetie Belle merely rolled her eyes. “Wow. How inappropriate Scootaloo.”
“You see, the merit of that insult was based on being inappropriate. Thus, that retort does nothing against me.” Scootaloo tapped a hoof against her forehead to emphasize her quick wit.
Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes even harder. “Trying to sound smart just makes you sound even more stupid. Now come on Crusaders, let’s go before it’s too late. The doors are wide open! Anypony can see us. Apple Bloom, just take off that ridiculous armor and we can just-“
“OOOH, what’s over there!” Scootaloo cried as she lept towards the end of the large room, leaping over fallen, long yellow canisters and poison darts.
“Ah’m comin Scoots. Give me a sec!” Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. “Heh heh heh, maybe ah’ll just take this thing off first.” Apple Bloom raised a heavy hoof to her chest. “Now where’s the zipper for this thing?”
“Yeah, you deal with that Apple Bloom. Scoots! Where are you!” Sweetie Belle called out.
“Over here, Sweetie! Come check this out!” With a heavy sigh, Sweetie Belle began to follow Scootaloo’s voice to the best of her ability. She finally saw Sccotaloo near the end wall’s right corner, staring at something that seemed to be embedded in the wall itself. Sweetie Belle stepped over a crate of glowing green rods in Ice Pop baggies to get a better look.
Sure enough, there was definitely something on the wall that looked like a big red button. As a matter of fact, it was a big red button. Even more specifically, with white letters on its dark red surface that read “Do Not Press Unless In Emergency.” The strangest part was the fact that it wasn’t even on any metal plating, nor did it show any wires signaling it was connected to something. It was just… there.
“...Let’s press it,” Scootaloo said and immediately began to reach out a hoof.
“No!” Sweetie Belle panicked and quickly slapped the orange hoof back to the pegasus side.
“Hey! What was that for?”
“Are you serious? It says “Do Not Press” on it. That means we do not press it.”
“Oh come on Sweetie! You can’t tell me you dont want to see what will happen!”
Sweetie Belle furiously shook her head. “No, I don’t. Something bad is bound to happen if we push that thing!”
Scootaloo placed a hoof under her chin and began to think. “Hmmm I get what you’re saying… but I still wanna press it.” Scootaloo quickly brought her hoof back up again and Sweetie Belle only narrowly slapped the hoof away to avoid the button being pressed.
“Scootaloo, what is your problem!?”
“What do you mean my ‘problem?’ Where has your curiosity went?”
“Obviously wherever your mind is!”
“Hey girls, what’s goin’ on?”
The feuding fillies turned around to find Apple Bloom with a curious look in her eyes, her body fully chainmail-less.
“Oh, nothing really Apple Bloom. There’s just this big red button over here that Sweetie Belle doesn’t want us to press.”
“Huh… I say we press it.”
Scootaloo pumped her fists up in the air in celebration. “Let’s go baby! Something awesome is going to happen, I can feel it!”
“Scootaloo, wait.” Sweetie Belle glared at the pegasus filly, and when it was clear that Scootaloo would keep her hooves to herself, her attention turned to Apple Bloom. “Apple Bloom, this is a terrible idea. Something bad is bound to happen!”
“Wait, now this is important. Did it say ‘Do Not Press?’”
“YES!”
“Oh… then ah’m with Sweetie Belle on this one.”
Scootloo’s expression turned from celebration to that of pure shock. “WHAT!? Apple Bloom!”
“Finally somepony who still has her sense in this room!”
Apple Bloom shrugged. “Sorry, Scootaloo. I was interested before, but ah think it’s a little too dangerous to just go pressing out of curiosity alone.”
“Now hold on everyone. Let me just make a case for itself. How do we know it’s a bad button.”
Sweetie Belle stared wide-eyed at the moronic pegasus. “Because it’s a red button that says do not press in a room full of magical weapons of mass destruction!”
“You don’t know that!”
“Don’t know what? The fact that it’s a red button in a room or that it’s a ba-”
“Just because it’s in here doesn’t mean it’s for something evil! Maybe it’s for something good. Like free food! Or a new scooter! It says ‘Do Not Touch’, not ‘Do Not Touch Because This Will Blow You Up and Everypony You Love.’”
Apple Bloom thought about this for a little bit. “You know, that actually kinda makes some sense. Mah sis tells me not to eat the apples we just bucked, but there’s nothin’ wrong with eatin’ an apple! Like when mah sis doesn’t want me to watch those R-Rated movies at the theater, even though they seem to be all sorts of fun. An’, of course, those magazines under Applejack’s bed she wants me to stay away from. I know a fact they’re doin somethin’ late at night!”
“Alright, Apple Bloom! Let’s get to button pressing!”
“GIRLS! STOP” Sweetie Belle desperately yelled, eager to stop the impending doom that was happening before her eyes. When she was confident that she had everypony’s attention, she continued in a much more quiet volume and relaxed tone. “Listen girls. There will probably be times like these where we’ll want to follow our curiosity and just see what happens. We need to think about the potential consequences of such actions, and how such reckless behavior could negatively affect not just ourselves, but the ponies around us as well.”
Scootaloo just stood there, her hoof inches away from pressing the button, before slowly lowering her hoof. “Well when you put it like that, I dont wanna push this button anymore.”
“Yeah, ah’ think we better leave rotten apples uneaten.”
Sweetie Belle smiled and patted a hoof on Scootaloo’s back. “See? I knew I would get through to you eventually.”
“Yeah, thanks, Sweetie. I think I almost did something very stupid. Come on Apple Bloom. Let’s leave this dump.”
“Sounds like a good idea. We should leave before the guards wake up again”
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo walked past the vaporizers towards the big golden exit. Unbeknownst to them, Sweetie Belle stayed behind, eyeing the red button and its mysterious allure.
“...What if we did press it?” With that, in one swift motion, the button was pressed.
It was one of those days. Those days when Celestia was in such a funk, there was only one cure. Applejack and Rarity had to leave early as their little sisters seemed to have run off on their own to explore, which was what seemed like their signature move. Celestia barely slept the other night, as those squabbling nobles seemed to keep her up all night with their nonsense. She needed to visit the room.
Alone in her bedroom, Celestia trotted over to her own personal bookshelf and pulled out the books in order like she did so many times before. On completion, the floor at the end of her bed pulled away silently, exposing a set of secret stairs. Celestia briskly walked down these steps, eagerly anticipating the room downstairs. Now was the time she could abandon her regalness and give way to hunger.
After around a minute, Celestia came across an all too familiar set of golden double-doors, a giant cake logo carved smack dab in the middle. Her mouth-watering, Celestia touched the tip of her horn to the logo, and let forth a brief burst of her magic. The doors flung open at once, revealing heaven.
Rows upon rows of refrigerators lined the walls, each filled with the greatest food in all of Equestria. Fluffy, light, sweet. Absolutely delectable. Drooling, Celestia flung open a random fridge and drew forth a stunning Black Forest cake. She didn’t need to cut it into pieces. There was no need to be civil when alone. The cake was so close to her lips, only seconds away from total bliss.
Splat
This sound filled the whole room like some sort of demonic chorus, each individual sound clueing Celestia in what was going on. That and the fact that the cake she was about to consume was now all over her and the floor. Celestia’s face was in shock, her body on the verge of total, blinding rage. Clearly, there could be nothing worse. Ponies should learn to stop saying that.
Once the room was finally silent once again, besides that of Celestia’s heavy panting, a thin slab of the ceiling in the middle of the room began to slide open. Out of this new opening came a large black screen lowered by a thick, black wire. As soon the screen lowered down to it’s lowest possible height, the blackness gave way to static, then to a certain dark blue alicorn with a wide grin on her face.
“HAH HAH TIA! YOU HATH BEEN PRANKED. I HATH PLACED A BUTTON IN THAT WEAPONS ROOM OF OURS. IT’S A SHAME I WILL NEVER KNOW WHO PUSHED THE BUTTON, WHETHER IT BE ME OR SOME POOR INNOCENT. BUT NO MATTER! YOUR CAKE ROOM IS A SAFE ROOM NO LONGER! THAT’S FOR STEALING MY EARRINGS WHEN YOU BANISHED ME ALL THOSE YEARS AGO! THEY DON’T EVEN LOOK PRETTY ON YOU! NOW, TO FURTHER CELEBRATE MY SUPERIORITY, I WILL A SING A SONG JUST TO ANNOY YOU FURTHER!” Luna’s Royal Canterlot Voice switched from mocking to a singsong tone. “HAH HAH TIA! I WIN YOU LOSE! HAH HAH TIA! I WIN YOU LOSE!”
Princess Luna began to breakdance, which surely would have been impressive if anypony would have actually seen it. Alas, no one would be able to witness the Night Princess’s incredible dancing moves, as the world suddenly ended in burning misery.
