How Not To Summon an Anon Protagonist

Chapters

1 - On the Importance of Properly Labeled and Organized Spell Components.
2 - On the Subtleties of Interspecies Communication
3 - On the Appropriate Methodology for Documenting Extradimensional Entities
4 - On The Acceptable Methods of Interspecies Judication: Part One

1 - On the Importance of Properly Labeled and Organized Spell Components.

Twilight gave a small sigh as she double-checked the preparations on her summoning circle, then triple-checked them as she waited for Spike to return from the basement with the proper spell components. Her newly obtained wings rustled slightly in anticipation. This was a very delicate operation, a number of things could go wrong, and she was determined that at least the vast majority of them wouldn’t.

“Twilight, I’m back with those flower petals you needed.” He said as he came up from below with a small cup full of blue flower petals. “The Moonshadow Bloom petals were the second to the-”

“Yes Spike, thank you.” Twilight gently interrupted as her magic captured the cup and floated it over to scatter them evenly around a carefully crown summoning circle in chalk. Very high-quality chalk actually, A Stick of Nag-oromo Fulltouch, she had bought a box during an exchange program outing in Neighpon before the company had gone out of business.

It was one of her most prized possessions, and this project was more than a worthy cause for using almost an entire stick of it to draw the elaborate circle that covered almost half of the surface area of the floor in the main room of the library area. She had had to move the carpets and a few of the shelves in the process of drawing the circle, but nothing less than a full, unabridged runic inscribing would suffice for such an ambitious project.

Spike gave a small huff at the interruption and rolled his eyes “Care to remind me what this is even about? You tried to tell me earlier but you started getting a bit too technical for me to follow and I ended up zoning out halfway through.”

Twilight gave him a small scowl and shook her head slowly. “Ugh, fine. I am preparing to summon a creature in its unaltered state from one of a number of parallel universes. I was doing some research on the topic for...another project, and it piqued my interest. I learned that there are methods of doing so more easily, but those generally require the use of rare artifacts that transform the creatures that pass through it to be properly adapted for life in the parallel universe which they are entering into. This ritual should allow us to simply summon a sentient creature that already has physical characteristics that would allow it to survive comfortably in our universe.

“Uh….huh, and what if it doesn’t work?” Spike said as he crossed his arms, looking skeptical. “Or what if you summon something dangerous, huh?”

“Oh Spike, you worry too much, but that’s one of the reasons you are so great to have around, so I can answer your questions!” She said with a sweet smile, leading to the dragon giving a small, mollified blush and looking away holding his tail.

“If it doesn’t work, then well, it doesn’t work! If it summons something unfit to live here well...I can always take care of the mess myself. And nothing more magically powerful than me should come out of the portal, since the magical potential of any creature I summoned would have to be lesser than my own since anything more powerful than me would be able to resist being summoned without the use of additional, much more expensive and rare reagents to boost the potency of the other spell components.” She said simply as she lit the four candles at each cardinal point of the circle and her horn began to slowly glow.

Her magic flowed in a stream steadily along the runes etched within the circle, filling in each of them one at a time in the order that they were written, the chalk burning away as it was slowly, steadily replaced by the lavender glow of her potent magic.

As the last of the runes was filled and replaced with her aura, the characters began to rise from the floor and circle and swarm around the center in a tighter diameter, the sound of chimes filling the air.

Things began to go wrong as the spell components were consumed. Instead of disintegrating neatly like they were supposed to, they caught fire and charred away to dust, a thick, heavy blue smoke being produced that swirled towards the center of the circle. The Magic poured into the circle began to turn the same shade of blue and the sound of….Laughter, crazed, gibbering uproarious laughter began to fill the room.

“Spiiiike, where did you say you found those flowers again?” Twilight asked with wide worried eyes, still channeling her magic into the spell for fear of the backlash should she stop midway through. The amount of power she had channeled into this spell would be...disastrous to say the last if she let it discharge in a way aside from the way it was intended to within the spell.

“T-the second to the left on the bottom shelf…?” Spike said unsurely as the swirling smoke and blue-hued runes swirled more quickly, chaotically as something began to manifest, its ethereal silhouette visible through the obstructions, the laughter growing slowly louder.

Her eyes grew even wider and panic began to creep into her voice as she spoke again “SPIKE! Moonshadow Bloom is second to the right on the bottom, second to the left is Poison Jo-”

KABOOM

All of the windows of the library are promptly blown out as the spell resolves irregularly, Blue smoke billowing through the shattered frames, leaving Twilight and to a lesser extent, even Spike both coughing loudly.

“Twilight! W-what happened *cough cough*, Are you okay!?” Spike cried out as he narrowed his eyes, letting his second, transparent set of eyelids slide closed in from the sides to protect his eyes before opening the outer set to look around to assess the damage.

“*Cough Cough* Y-yeah, Spike, I’m fine…” she said softly, sounding a bit woozy. She was on the ground, slowly picking herself back up, her horn fizzling slightly and sparking from overexertion. “Ugh...I’m going to have mana sickness after this, I just know it...Spike, can you see into the circle, did anything...show up?”
“I think I saw something glowing when everything started getting all blue and...crazy,” Spike said unsurely as he walked towards the rather large soot stain in the middle of the room.

In the middle of said stain was something laying crumpled in a pillar of that same thick, sickly blue smoke. It was not feasible to tell exactly what it was quite yet, but as the smoke began to clear, it became more visible.

Whatever it was, it was sizable in comparison to the ponies. Even slumped and curled on the ground it was sizable. It was clad in some form of clothing, mostly red, which covered the majority of its body.

Spike slowly walked closer to it, nudging it with his foot with a slightly off-put expression on his face. “Ugh...well, whatever it is, I’m not cleaning it up…”

But before there could be any semblance of argument about who would be scrubbing the soot stains out of the floorboards and disposing of the body, the thing began to shift about, prompting Spike to give a surprised squeal and fall back on his ass.

As it rose to two feet covered in some sort of black shoes with white tops, it became apparent that the creature was indeed tall. Quite tall as a matter of fact, with Twilight’s head only coming up to about its waist standing up straight. It was wearing what appeared to be...a zoot suit. Red in color, with a white undershirt, and a black tie and belt. Atop its head, covering a strawberry red mane was a wide-brimmed red hat with a black band holding a white feather.

It was slim, slender even. Lanky might be pushing it a bit though. And as for its face, well...it was difficult to tell, considering that it did not seem to have one. It had the making of facial features. One could see where there might be a nose, eyes, a chin. But all of its features were smoothed, subtle as if covered by a mask of some sort. The Creature’s skin was similar to the color of a peach, a few shades paler maybe, though the only skin visible was on its ears and neck, the rest of its facial area was green, with a question mark covering it. It did not seem to be a mask, as much as it looked like one, there was no visible seam where the green area might be removed.

And then, as the two of them looked at it silently, it began to scream.

It was muffled, the sound seeming unable to escape properly, as the front of the things head flexed where the mouth would be as its gloved claws began to paw at its face fervently.

Twilight and Spike slowly stepped back, wide-eyed in mild terror and apprehension at the sight of the thing screaming and flailing this way and that as it clawed at its own face. Eventually, the mouth area began to visibly and audibly tear, holes forming and widening letting more and more of the sound out until finally.

“...wooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, YEAHHHHHHHHHH BABY! THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR! THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT!” It screamed loudly as it let its hands fall to its sides, clearly relieved to be able to speak. Again. It had rather neat if somewhat large white pearly teeth that bordered on unsettling and smiled quite wide, showing them off with aplomb as it looked around, scratching its head. “Huh...not sure where I got a hat…” it said softly as it looked down at itself, grabbing its outfit “or the monkey suit, but hey, a look is a look I guess…”

As the creature smiled and looked down at itself more carefully, striking a few poses, and sticking its ass out, wiggling it with a small chuckle, Twilight could only stare in abject horror at what she had just witnessed, and stand agog at how casual the creature seemed to be about all of it.

“Dear Celestia, what have I done.”

Author's Note

And another one! Hope you enjoy my attempt at what I can only call structured shitposting.

2 - On the Subtleties of Interspecies Communication

“Dear Celestia, what have I done…”

As she speaks, the creature stops what it is doing and freezes, standing up straight again and turning towards her. More accurately, its head turns towards her, followed by the rest of its body in a separate and disturbingly fluid motion.

“An excellent question!” He said brightly, a finger raised in the air before he brings the arm lofting it swinging down in front of him across his chest. “What did you do because ha-cha-cha, I feel fucking ama-hay-zing. The creature said with a flourish as it looked down at Twilight and Spike.

“Well whatever it is, at least it seems friendly…” Spike said warily as he inspected the odd being, one brow raised as a claw felt at the leg of his pants curiously.

“Who-ho! Hey there, easy with the claws now, Puff,” he said, pulling away, causing Spike to fall facefirst onto the floor as the creature lifted a leg slightly. “I don’t know where I got these choice duds, but I’d like to keep them tidy for a bit.”

Spike picked himself up off the floor, shooting the entity a dirty look and looking over at twilight with a shrug. “Well...kinda friendly, I guess. Twi, you have any idea what we’re lookin at here?”

“Now Spike, that’s very rude. This is a sentient being, they are a who, not a what.” She said as she trotted a bit closer to the creature. “My name is Princess Twilight Sparkle. On behalf of the Celestial Diarchy, I would like to formally welcome you to the nation of Equestria.” Twilight said while giving her best work-in-progress public relations smile. “I apologize if being summoned has caused you any inconvenience, I simply wished to conjure a creature from a parallel universe to study. I can send you back to wherever you came from after we are finished…hopefully." She said under her breath as she looked them up and down.

The creature shrugged, throwing his hands up and giving her what seemed to be a vexed expression. “Eh, I mean, it’s really no skin off of my back. To be fair, I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I ain’t even got a name as far as I know.” they said as they reached deeeeeeeep into their pocket and rummaged around, a loud clanking and rattling and a muffled meow sounded from within the pocket before he pulled out a wallet, flipping it open, only for a poof of dust and a few moths to erupt from the empty container.

“Huh...no ID. No dosh either…” he said with a small sigh, shrugging as he stretched his pocket unreasonably wide and dropped the wallet back in before letting the opening snap closed back into shape.

Twilight was watching all of this with mild discomfort, her eye twitching slightly as she processed what she was seeing. She had to remind herself, deep, easy breaths, just like the therapist told her. “Well, we can figure that out a bit later, for now, I suppose if you do not have a name, we should figure out what to call you.”

“Honestly, I sort of like that one.” He said with a small grin as he leaned forward a bit to look down at her

“What?” Spike said confused, tilting his head slightly and scratching his chin, giving the creature a puzzled look.

“Yeah, that one! How about, ‘Mister What’” he said, snapping his fingers with a smile. As he snapped, in a puff of blue smoke, what seemed to be an identification card with his face on it appeared in his hand.

“Ah, friggin sweet!” he said with a smile, his wallet seeming to leap from his pocket again to snap the card up in its leathery little mouth “Ah shit!” he cried softly as he watched it dive back down into his pocket and growl softly before wiggling down into the hole and disappearing.

“....Well, that settles that, I suppose. SPIKE! A moment please, in private?” She asked him as without asking, she lifted the baby dragon in her magical grasp and proceeded to pull him towards the basement “We will be right back, Mister What. Please wait here.”

The creature smiled and waved at them cheerfully and took a seat in midair as the two of them closed the door to the basement stairwell and walked down to the bottom, Twilight’s horn glowing to illuminate Spike and herself.

“So uh...he sure is a weird one huh?” Spike said, breaking the silence first as he looked back up at the door at the top of the stairs, shivering slightly.

“He’s more than weird, he seems to have some sort of reality-warping ability, at least a B class phenomenon, Like Pinkie Pie.” She said as she gave a worried look towards the door along with her assistant. I hope it’s only like Pinkie Pie…” She said, her eyes falling back on her head slightly.

“Well, at least he’s really handsome, huh?” Mister What said as he leaned down to have his head between the two of them, an arm around either one of them at the neck, hand on each a shoulder. So, what were we talking about?”

The two of them screamed and jumped back a bit, Twilight’s eye twitching a bit harder as she stumbled back from the creature “Mister What, I asked you to stay up there!”

“What are you talking about, I’m still up there, watch!” He said with a smirk as he raised a hand to his mouth and called out “YO! WHAT, you still up there?”

The door to the stairwell opened and a second Mister What appeared in the doorway and called back “Yeah, just raiding the fridge, all this broad has is vegetables. Fuckin weaksauce.”

The Mister What in the basement smiled in a content, smug manner and crossed his arms. “See! I’m a good boy who didn’t do nothin.”

Spike raised a brow, crossing his own arms as he gave them a doubtful look. “What did uh...you just say about raiding our fridge?”

Mister What gave a small pout at this. “Hey! Just because we are literally the same person occupying two spaces at the same time, that doesn’t make me responsible for his actions!”

“Yeah!” The other Mister What upstairs echoed indignantly through a mouthful of carrot.

Twilight for her part was agog. Even Pinkie couldn’t be in two places at once. Not without….

She shuddered as she tied to repress her memories of the mirror pool incident. Whatever this creature was, it had reality-warping abilities and was possibly approximately as magically potent as an alicorn. It certainly was worth studying! But how was she going to get it to cooperate. She could always try asking.

“Er….that’s fine Mister What, I can always get more food.” She said as she trotted back closer to him “Though if you would be willing to repay me for the snack by allowing me to study you a bit, I would very much appreciate it. I mean, that is why I summoned you in the first place after all.”

He seems to think about it a bit, scratching his chin before nodding with a slightly unsure expression “alright, But I don’t do needles, and probing costs extra.”

“Hey, I found Ice Cream!” The one upstairs declared happily “What the fuck kind of flavor is….’Ruby Chunk Delight’.”

CRUNCH

“Hey, not bad!”

“NOOOO-smack-OOOOOOO!” Spike cried out, scrambling up the stairs and faceplanting halfway up before continuing as if nothing had happened as he tried his best to make it up to the kitchen before this strange creature could devour his secret stash, slamming the door behind him.

As the sounds of muffled argument come from the kitchen, Mister What shrugged and looked back down at the little purple pony “So yeah uh...if you let me stay at your place till we get all of this figured out, I’ll let you run your tests, sound fair, Issac Neighton?”

“Twilight actually,” she said, mildly annoyed as she reluctantly nodded. “I suppose that is only fair, you have a deal, Mister What.”

The door slammed open again, and Spike came sailing down the stairs, an empty circular ice cream container lodged overtop his head as he lands on the basement floor, balanced upside down on the bottom of it and giving a small groan as he says “Heh...I showed him, got my ice cream back…”

Twilight groaned softly as Mister What gave her a nonplussed look and shrugged again, rolling her eyes. She could already tell this was going to be a very long study.

Author's Note

And there is another one! I have to say writing this sort of thing is quite a refreshing departure from my usual more structured affair.

3 - On the Appropriate Methodology for Documenting Extradimensional Entities

The next day, Mister What is sitting on a stool in Twilight’s basement, twiddling his thumbs with a little grin on his face as he watched his new roommate fiddle with some complicated-looking equipment. She trotted over, a headset with a large number of wires protruding from it floating in her aura as she removed his hat and set it gently atop his head, setting the hat to a table off to the side.

“Alright, Mister What, I am going to take some measurements now, Please try to stay still for a few minutes…” She said as she held up some nodes attached to wires and stuck them on his wrists and his neck “Could you stick a few of these on your chest please?”

He obliged her and grabbed them, sliding his hands under his clothes and sticking them onto himself with a small nod “Sure thing, doc!” he said brightly as he smiled a bit wider, gripping the edges of his seat now as he watched her with mild interest. “So uh, what exactly are you measuring?”

“Heartrate, brain activity, Ambient Magical Energy Output.” She said offhandedly as she tapped on the machine, flipping a few switches and stepping back as she watched it whirr to life and began to chug and clunk dully.

Several small streams of paper began to slide from one side of a slot on the side of the machine, each forming its own neat little stack on the floor in front of it. Twilight leaned down and watched them all carefully. “Hmmm…..interesting….” she said softly as she went from ne to the next, stopping at one in particular.

She stopped the machine after a few minutes, grabbing one of the stacks of paper in hr magic and floating it over to him “Mister What, could you please tell me what this is about?”

He took the paper in his hands and cleared his throat, beginning to read from the top.

“‘According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground’….Oh! It seems to be the Entire Bee Movie Script. Why?”

“It supposed to be your heartrate.” She said, sounding mildly irritated as she grabbed a stethoscope and leaned in to press the device to his chest only to hear a strange song Begin to play from within his chest.

She looked up at him, starting to get a bit irritated, and clearly perplexed. “Are….you aren’t doing this on purpose, are you?”

“What!? Moi? Interfere with such important scientific work? Perish the thought!” he said, clasping his hands together, a halo appearing over his head above the helmet as he looked at her with what she could only presume would be wide eyes, if he had eyes that is.

She gave a small sigh and shook her head, taking a few notes in a notepad using a pencil, with a notepad appearing in Mister What’s hand, him doing much the same.

“Hey, do you mind if I take a look there?” she asked, levitating the notepad away from him without asking,” She immediately regrets this. Blushing heavily as she was exposed to the sight of his crude doodling.

She slowly passed the notepad back to him. He smiled sheepishly and tore the paper out, slowly putting it in his mouth and chewing on it while never breaking eye(?) contact with her and swallowing slowly. “I regret nothing,” he said simply with the straightest face she had seen out of him yet.

She gave an exasperated little nicker, stamping her sof lil hoofsies a bit as she looked up at him “Mister What, this is a serious scientific endeavor, and I would appreciate it if you could please try to be a little less silly while I am trying to figure you out!” She said with a strained, forcedly calm voice, clearly approaching her breaking point now.

He shrugged and gave her a sympathetic look. “Hey, if figuring me out was easy I would have already done it...maybe, if I felt like it, I guess. Nah actually, sounds like too much work,” he said, leaning forward a bit and placing his hands on his knees in a relaxed posture.

“That is beside the point. The way you are acting right now is extremely distracting.” She said through gritted teeth, her eye twitching a bit as she looked up at him intently.

“Psssssh, naw, this isn’t distracting. THIS is distracting!” he said as he reached over, promptly plucking off her horn before holding the tip to his mouth and flicking his thumb out in front of it with a small *click*. A wick of blue flame emerged from it as he lit fire to the base, inhaling slowly and then pulling the horn away from his lips to exhale a bit of purple glitter-riddled smoke directly into her face. “Bruh, this purp is fuckin legit. You wanna hit?”

The front door of the Golden Oaks slammed open, and Mister What came dashing out, cackling like an absolute madman, his legs a circular blur as he held onto his hat and scampered down the road, a smoldering purple horn clenched between his teeth. “MMMMMMMMM CHE-YECK PLEASE!” The strange creature said whimsically with a hint of fear to his voice as behind him, a very, very angry Twilight Sparkle followed in hot pursuit, her fur white, her eyes red, and her mane ablaze as she dashed after him, roaring at him furiously. “WHAT! GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT YOU BUCKING MORON! I’ll take that horn back and...do something! AHAHAGAHJAGAH!”

She was clearly not the best at the improvisational banter, but she was doing her best, damn it!

She pursued him single-mindedly, only to lose him as he turned the corner and entered the town properly, her nostrils flared slightly as she began to calm down just enough to no longer appear as a fire hazard, swinging her head this way and that as she tried to suss out his location.

From sitting on a bench behind her, a rather dapper bipedal gentleman with a mustache lowered a newspaper and pointed off in one direction. “Uh, he went that-a-way, sister,” he said in a trans-Atlantic accent, one eyeless brow cocked.

“Thanks!” She said quickly without even looking back, dashing off in the direction he had indicated with a determined glint in her eye.

“Heheh, no problem, toots…” he said softly, putting the horn back between his teeth and taking another puff as he raised his newspaper, the headline reading. ‘Local Dummy Thicc Egghead gets Fucking Memed On.’

Several moments later, a loud screech akin to tires can be heard off-screen, and Twilight leaps at him, knocking him off of the bench and onto the ground, her hooves pressed to his chest to pin him in place under her.

“Hah! I caught you, you dirty rascal! Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” She said, giving him a stern, displeased look as she leaned down to stare at his face accusingly.

He pouted and gave her a sad lil look “W-well gosh Twilight. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you upset…” he said softly as soft violin music began to play in the background.

Twilight looked over and shot a glare at the stallion who had decided here and now was a good place for violin practice, who proceeded to give a sheepish apologetic look before scurrying off quickly. She then looked back down as she spoke. “Well, I am glad you at least understand you did wro-huh?”

Twilight gave a very puzzled look as underneath her was no longer Mister What, but Pinkie Pie. “Hi, Twilight! Gee, your new friend sure is a Riot, huh!?” She said as she looked up at her pal with those adorable big blue peepers of hers, grinning ear to ear.

“Wha-Pinkie? What are you doing? Where’s Mister What?” She asked, stepping off of her friend and trying to figure out what just happened.

“OH! He gave me two bits and a cupcake to lay under you while he went to go do something else,” she said, holding up the cupcake in question. Red velvet, with mint green icing. She snapped it up happily in a single bite, gobbling it down. “Mnnnn….anyway, why are you chasing him like that?”

“I am chasing him because he stole my horn and is currently smoking it and Celestia bucking damn it if that isn’t the dumbest thing I have ever had to say in my life!” She said, gritting her teeth and stomping her hoof at the insanity of it all, how it infuriated her that he was so-

“What are you talking about? You’ve had your horn the whole time we’ve been talking!” Pinkie said, giving her a vexed expression as she tilted her head slightly, pulling a mirror from her mane to show twilight that she did, indeed have her horn back, and a note attached to it to boot.

“Dear Princess Sparklebutt,

Today I learned that sometimes it’s important to respect the personal boundaries of your friends, no matter how fucking crunk their horn makes you when you smoke it. Because even if getting them mad is really really funny, like so funny holy shit you should have seen your face, it was top kek and...what was I talking about?

Anyway, I’m sorry I got you so worked up, I put your horn back and gave the pink broad a cupcake of sorriness, which I hope she remembers to give to you in accordance with my instructions. I will be back later this evening with something more socially acceptable to smoke so we can chill in the basement together and listen to Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds on repeat for seven hours together while we stare at the ceiling and giggle for no reason and call Spike gay.

-Your Homie

Mister What

Twilight sighed softly and gave a small smile, chuckling a bit as she read the latter. She supposed what he had done was harmless enough, if a bit rude, but she had to admit she found it a bit humorous in retrospect. She wasn’t sure if he was onboard with...whatever activities he had planned for them later, but she appreciated the thought.

“Alright, thanks Pinkie. I’m going to head home now and clean up. I may have made a bit of a mess choosing him around the library...” She said somewhat embarrassed as she turned and trotted back off towards her cozy little tree abode.

“Oki Doki Loki!” Pinke said with a wide smile as she waved her friend off, watching her disappear over the horizon before she started to chuckle, then laugh out loud, stamping her hoof on the ground a few times.

She reached above her head and pulled, a loud zip sounding off as her face peeled back to reveal Mister What grinning like a maniac, slipping out of a Pinkie Pie suit and dusting himself off. “God, she so fuckin cute.” he said with another soft chuckle as he pulled her horn from his pocket, lighting it back up and puffing at it with a soft, pleased sigh “fuck that’s good shit. I hope she doesn’t realize that I replaced her horn with-”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT”

“Ah shit, the jig is up, whooooo-oopwhoopwhoopwhoopwhoopwhoopwhoop!” he cried out in a slight panic as he made a break for it to god knows where until the heat was off, purple sparkling smoke trailing behind him as he ran off into the horizon.

Author's Note

And there is another one! Starting to get into the swing of it now, hope you are all enjoying!

4 - On The Acceptable Methods of Interspecies Judication: Part One

Several hours later, Mister What has finally managed to outrun the alicorn princess pursuing him. He had, of course, replaced her horn some time ago, and neglected to tell her simply for his own amusement. She looked like she could use the workout anyway, chasing him had been excellent aerobics for the otherwise somewhat physically inactive mare.

He came to a stop on the outskirts of what seemed to be a farm, dusting himself off with a small chuckle "Heh, I think that's enough of that for today, can't spend all day causing mischief and indulging I'm benny hill-esqe chase scenes. that's supposed to be Tuesdays." he finished, putting his hand in his coat pocket.

He stomach growled softly as he took in his surroundings. "Huh, yeah, food. Almost forgot I needed that. Wait, do I even need really need that? Ech, not the time, hungry. Food now, self-analysis later..." he said as he walked towards the farm. "if there's anywhere that's got grub, it'll definitely be where the grub is grown...what are they even growing here?"

He looked around, humming a bit as he assesses the crops he can see from here. Wheat, potatoes, the place next door seemed to be growing carrots...

Oh, and apples, lots and lots of apples, big shiny red motherfuckers. They hung in the trees, glittering like gems., His lack of eyes widened as he saw them, and he subconsciously licked his lips. "oh wow wah momma, that's some nice fucking fruit. Gonna have to break out the good silverware for these..." He said as he slowly pulled what seemed to be a katana from a sheath that had most certainly not been on his hip a moment ago, some soft background ambeince playing for a moment as he stood off against one of the many trees with a determined expression.

After a moment he shrugged and stood normally, throwing the katana away from himself, where it landed out of sight with the sound of a crash and a cat yowling in dismay. he shrugged and dusted his hands off. "Eh, fuck this weeb shit."

It seemed he was not really feeling like climbing or otherwise brutally defacing the tress to get their apples at the moment, so he instead wandered a while longer, hoping to come across some already harvested, and as he approached and opened some sort of storage shed, oh boy did he find what he was looking for.

He dropped to his knees in awe, hands clasping the sides of his head as he beheld the largest concentration of fresh fruit he had ever seen in one place. Normally he would not have been so entranced by the plentiful pile of produce, but after the afternoon he's had, the DEFCON one level munchies his shenanigans have wrought, it might as well be the gold of El Dorado for how hungrily he was eyeing it.

"I have seen heaven and it is uncomfortably red," he said softly to himself as he slowly walked closer to the pile before finally giving up all pretense of resistance and diving forward, screaming with glee!

a few hours later, Applejack was on her way to the ol shed, humming softly to herself as she carried a clipboard in her mouth. She had safely lost the game of rock paper scissors over who would take inventory to Big Mac, but she was determined to finish up quickly and make the most of the rest of her afternoo-

the clipboard drooped from her mouth as she stood agog, the door to the shed wide open to see none other than our man of the hour, belly protruding as he laid on what was now a significantly smaller pile of apples than had graced the room before.

He gave a small groan as he sat up, rubbing his head "oh fuck, I think I ate too many apples, that fuckin horse has a Stetson..."

"And just what In Sam Hill do you think you're doing on mah property, yah gotdanmed varmint!" Applejack says, her face getting steadily redder as she storms into the storage shed, her language exceptionally coarse as she glared down the strange creature before her.

"Oh shit uh, yeah, almost forgot you guys could like...talk and own property and stuff here, hold on." He said as he grabbed his distended gut and pushed it in firmly, the bulge dissipating as he tightened his belt a bit with a small apologetic smile "Ech, sorry about that. I was fucking with some purple broad earlier and I got the mad munches after smoking her horn, so I sorta ate a bunch of your stash..."

"...Ah didn't understand half of that, but you did just say you went and ate half of our day's harvest, right?" she asked in a softer, calmer voice. Her eyes narrowing slightly as she walked a bit closer to him.

"Well, I suppose that would be a fair assessment of-"

THWACK

The thunderous sound of the mighty blow echoed through the property and beyond, ponies well into town raising their heads in confusion at the origin of the echoing, powerful sound produced by the blow.

Mister What stood there, his face caved deeply in, a set of two hoofprints imprinted deep into the back of his face as he did his best to look disgruntled while disfigured in such a comical manner. "Now what did that really solve?" he asked as he grabbed his own lack of a nose and pulled firmly until his facial features popped back into place audibly.

Applejack seemed a bit taken aback by his less than bothered reaction to her violent outburst "W-wha? that shoulda put you on your back. What gives!?" She demanded as she stomped her cute lil hoof and huffed, looking up at him angrily.

"Trust me, I've had worse," he said as he crossed his arms and tapped his foot slowly, giving her a somewhat bored look. "So are you gonna try to cave my face in again or can I go?"

Applejack gave him an incredulous stare for a few long moments before shaking it off and glaring at him "ah no! you ain't going nowhere, partner. not until you pay me back for those apples, c'mon!" She said, suddenly leaping up and grabbing his ear between her teeth.

The ear in question stretched with an audible rubbery sort of sound until she was touching the ground. She shivered in mild disgust but kept her grip and started walking towards her farmhouse.

"Hey hey hey, ow owwwww!' he cried out, as he was tugged along by the strong little earth pony, his lack of eyes tearing up slightly as he stumbled along behind her.

"You're gonna apologize to the rest of mah family and then we are gonna put your big green behind to work until you pay us back proper, big guy!" She said in a muffled manner through the mouthful of green earmeat as the two of them tramped off over the horizon, Mister What loudly complaining all the while.

Author's Note

Part Two Coming Soon >:3