Discord’s Dastardly Demise

by Burt

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Main 6, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death, Human, Princess Luna, Anon, Comedy
Length: 1306

Sayonara chaos god. Til next we meet, you goofy son of a gun.

Discord has kicked the bucket.

Anon seems, outwardly, very optimistic over that fact.

Certain ponies find this very suspicious.

Published 2022-05-12 04:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-05-12 04:10:01 UTC

Ding Dong The Wicked Bitch is Dead

It was a hot summer’s day. However, instead of the usually wholesome emotions brought on from the sun’s sunny rays, it would seem that the atmosphere of that morning was one of mourning.

At least for the select few who actually attended the funeral.

Tears were shed, sad speeches were given... And a duo of nondescript trench coat wearers stood several feet away from the main group - holding umbrellas and wearing sunglasses, catching the attention of several of the attendees.

Princess Celestia huffed, her ear flicking in agitation as she turned to whisper to her sister, and fellow princess, Luna. “I thought it was scheduled to rain today? Our disguises don’t make any sense now!” She hissed.

Luna grunted in her own annoyance, gritting her teeth as she felt herself sweat under her outfit.

“Yes, well it would seem we need to fire a few weather ponies today, sister." She growled, not even trying to whisper as her heavy black coat soaked up most of the heat from the sun, her umbrella barely helping to keep the scorching rays at bay. “You do control the sun, correct? Can you not perhaps... turn it down?” She grunted, wiping the sweat from her brow.

“That is not how that works—“ Celestia trailed off and narrowed her eyes as movement by the recently occupied grave caught her attention, “—and you know that. Lulu, what is Anonymous doing?”

Luna leaned away from Tia before looking forward and squinting, scanning for the green human. Her eyes passed over a horrified Fluttershy, who covered her face in what seemed like shock, a bemused Twilight Sparkle, and—

“Oh my sweet mother he’s break dancing on Discord’s grave.”

It was - to Celestia’s own horror - true. Anon was busting a move on the still recently disturbed soil that sat above Discord’s final resting place.

Luna blinked as she bore witness to Anon's sick dance moves.

“...should we...do something about this?" Luna muttered.

Celestia swallowed dryly, her eyes not leaving Anon’s form; which now flopped around as it did the worm.

“...I believe we would be remiss not to.” She mumbled back.

Luna shrugged and tossed her umbrella, following Celestia once she began to push towards the funeral.

“Let’s see what Sir Anonymous has to say for himself.”

“- uh! Tonto, Jump on it, jump on it, jump on it!” Anon shouted while enacting some strange kind of dance.

Twilight didn’t know what went wrong. One moment everypony was mourning the passing of Discord (okay maybe not everypony) and in the next, Anonymous starts to pose with Discord’s tombstone, which then escalates into breaking down on the God’s grave.

And it wasn’t the type of break down she was expecting…

“Oh my word…” Rarity mumbles. “Is… is this a human thing?”

Twilight shook her head. It was surreal. Anon was always rather... dark in his disposition. But this was just…

“This is like, pretty messed up, Twilight…” Rainbow Dash rubbed the back of her head, “Even for him...” She frowned. “Should we, uh… stop him?”

“I-I honestly truly don’t know how to respond. The Princess’ teachings couldn’t have prepared me for… this.”

“Prepare you for what? A quirked up green boy busting it down sexual style?” Discord chimed in.

“No Discord, what I meant was…”

Twilight looked to her side with a deadpanned expression, even as her complexion paled and sweat formed on her brow. “Discord?” She squeaked.

“Discord!” A once silent Fluttershy squeed, getting ready to pounce on her previously thought dead friend–

“ZOMBIE!” Only for Rainbow Dash’s screech to cut through the sky like a shot, the mare quickly taking into the air and attempting to dive bomb the very clearly evil reanimation of Discord’s corpse.

Only for her to phase right through him.

“Gah!?” Rainbow sputtered, eyes wide as she took the express route into the dirt. Smashing a few gravestones along the way. Rarity jumped away from the ensuing chaos with a scream. How apt, that the funeral of Discord would plunge those who attended it into confusion.

“Close but not quite! Rather, I’m but a noble ghost!” Discord laughed haughtily.

“Confarnit Dash! What have we told you ‘bout crashin’ into headstones!?” Applejack, blissfully ignoring Discord’s presence, chided her very very close friend and not at all homosexual lover - Rainbow Dash.

Enter Pinkie Pie. Who materialized out of nowhere - because I the writer made it thus - wearing a long coat and strange hat, smoking a pipe. “How strange.” She quirks a brow. “Discord, the previously pronounced deceased God of Chaos is now walking amongst us… how is this possible?”

“Well you see, it’s all rather simple and shouldn’t take long at all to explain—“

Several hours later, Discord finished with a sigh. “And that is why gun control simply never works.”

Anon is still dancing.

By then everyone other than him, The Mane Six, and Discord had left the gravesite. The sun had gone down, the stars gleaming in the abyssal darkness like great balls of shining stars - or something equally poetic I suppose.

Rarity, would had fallen unconscious shortly after the firearm statistics had been brought up, had to be leaned against one of the broken headstones. Else she be dirtied and make Twilight wish it was her funeral instead.

But then, finally, the royal sisters arrived to the scene.

“Halt Sir Anonymous! Cease your impressive dance moves right this instant!”

“Yes, Anon please. You’ve been moving for several hours and I fear greatly for your safety if you continue - also who the buck made the distance from Ponyville and it’s cemetery so comically long?!”

And then suddenly, Anon collapsed dead on the spot.

“Oh, good heavens!” Fluttershy gasps.

“T-that’s—“ Rarity mumbles, eyes peaking through her eyelashes. “—my line.” Only for Anon’s rapidly cooling corpse to meet her eyes, and she feints once more, a ghastly whine leaving her as she does so.

“…how did everything go so wrong?” Celestia doesn’t even bother confirming Anon’s demise, she knows a case of sudden musical brain death when she sees it - either way, she bites her bottom lip.

Discord chimes in. “Oh, that’s simple - you see it started with—“

An indiscernible amount of time has passed, and Luna nods to Discord’s finishing statement with bugged eyes. “Yes… yes! It all makes sense now!”

Celestia nods. “Indeed, your retelling of the events leading to this very moment are incredibly concise, Discord. I am truly glad that all of these seemingly random turns of events were actually just small pieces of a greater puzzle.”

Discord beamed under the praise, a large grin stretching his lips. “Well… they don’t call me Discord the Story Teller for nothing!”

“They don’t call you that…” Twilight Sparkle mumbles, a catatonic look in her eyes as she watches Anon’s body refuse to move. She whimpers, eyes shutting to the horror that was the image of her close friend’s glazed over eyes - the haunting dullness in his usually bright green irises frightening her, beyond anything she’d ever experienced.

She could feel tears brimming. ”This can’t be real…”

“That’s what I’ve been saying, dear!”

But it was.

“But that only leaves one loose end.” Luna nods her head to Anon’s corpse, which was now voiding its bowls. “Why… why is Anon… diminishing?”

“Oh!” Discord shook his head playfully, thumbing over his shoulder. “That? Well, you see…”

He shrugs.

“Music made him lose control.”

Author's Note

There is a greater meaning here. Analyze every nook and cranny! I expect your essays to be done by next week, people.

Now, come kiss me under the moonlight, I’m feeling romantical (But like, platonically, as a teacher it would be wrong of me to abuse a position of power over my students)