Where The [REDACTED] Did I Go Wrong?!

by Leondude

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Random, Dark, Death, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1223

Magic being drained from Equestria once again. Equestria on the brink of another civil war. And with her friends dead, is it any wonder Twilight is having a massive panic attack/mental collapse?

NOTE: Current cover art is temporary.
You know what? I like this cover art and I'm too busy to replace it.

It had been many years since Twilight became the ruler of all of Equestria. During that time, in spite of having absolutely no clue on how to propose an effective tax policy, she proved herself to be a wise and good leader.

Until everypony was at each other’s throats again and all of Equestria’s magic was slowly being drained once again. Oh, and her friends died of old age (as most ponies tend to do).

Oh, well. Good thing she had Luna to act as an impromptu therapist.

Part of the Twilight's Bureaucracy series.

My Tax Policy?

Twilight Is Fed Up Of The Vocal Minority's $#!%

Where The [REDACTED] Did I Go Wrong?!

Celestia Goes Crazy And Stuff

Published 2021-03-02 21:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-03-02 21:40:00 UTC

All The Ponies In This Land Are Crazy!

The pages of a flock of books fluttered as they flew past Luna, who was traversing Twilight’s dreams to see how she was handling her nightly duties. Of course, it was also to get back at Starlight for robbing her of the chance to give her former mentor, Star-Swirl the Bearded, a good talking-to, especially regarding his extremely outdated ‘once a villain, always a villain’ philosophy. As she trotted through the dream realm, she encountered a room floating in the air. Believing Twilight would be in there, she flew towards the strange room and opened the door. Her assumption was correct when she found Twilight on the floor in a fetal position as she was covered in paper notes and red strings. Considering how tall Twilight was in her divinely-transfigured form, it made the room appear smaller than it actually was. Above her was a pegboard littered with pictures of friends and foes alike tangled in the crimson web of strings. Her eyes bloodshot, Twilight ceased her quivering and shot Luna a bloodshot stare.

“What are you doing here?!” Twilight asked in a panicked tone.

“Just because I gave you the reins to the dream realm doesn’t mean I can’t visit other ponies’ dreams from time to time,” Luna replied, “And since my sister and I had been informed that you had locked yourself in the castle bedroom all week, I just wanted to know if you were feeling alright.”

“Why wouldn’t I be alright?” Twilight asked at a rapid pace, “Magic disappearing from Equestria. The pony tribes are fighting each other, to say nothing of how they are treating other races. It’s not like anything I’ve handled before except I had my friends to help me but since they died of old age, as most ponies do when they get old, I have nopony to help me with this!”

“Considering you are what the subjects refer to as ‘Twilighting’, I seriously doubt you are alright,” Luna replied with concern, “Also, I can tell you are still going through the grieving process.”

“Can I ask you something, Luna?” Twilight asked.

“Of course,” Luna reassuringly replied.

“WHERE THE FUCK DID I GO WRONG?!” Twilight shouted at the top of her lungs.

Luna was taken aback by Twilight’s sudden and surprisingly profane outburst, “Pardon?”

“Seriously, where did I go wrong?” Twilight said irately, “I united every single race in Equestria, especially when I sent Spike to make peace between the Abyssinians and the Diamond Dogs. For Celestia’s sake, I even managed to convince a sceptical student of mine why she should focus more on her friendship studies!”

“Uh…” Luna stammered as she tried to think of something to help the anxious alicorn.

“Or maybe it’s everypony else’s fault!” Twilight exclaimed, “Maybe after all these decades, Starlight might have actually had a point!”

As if to emphasize her point, Twilight slammed her hoof at the picture of the Windigoes pinned to her pegboard.

“If everypony knew what would happen when they started hating other ponies or even other creatures in general just for being different, then why do they continue to double-down on the hate?!” Twilight rambled, “Why can’t they turn the other cheek or make amends or let go?! If I’ve built bridges with guys like Discord, Sunset, Starlight and Tempest, surely everypony else can learn to move on and make friends out of their enemies! I’ll tell you why nopony else has even bothered trying to let go and offer a hoof in friendship. Because everypony is CRAZY!”

As Twilight hyperventilated after her long tirade, Luna casually conjured a paper bag and levitated it over for Twilight to breathe in.

“Perhaps you’re right, Twilight,” Luna said calmly, “Despite knowing the consequences, a lot of ponies do indeed fall back into old habits. I ought to know since, before my sister and I retired, I had the occasional bout of jealousy despite knowing what happened the last time I allowed my envious thoughts to consume me.”

Twilight sheepishly giggled, “Yeah, who could forget that time Starlight switched you and Celestia’s cutie marks?”

“I wish I would,” Luna muttered under her breath, “Now, you mentioned something about the magic of Equestria disappearing again.”

Twilight immediately went back into panic mode, “The magic! Ponies’ cutie marks are disappearing and pegasi, griffons and hippogriffs are falling from the sky!”

“Given how incompetent the guards were under my sister’s rule, do you think it’s possible that the magic-draining artefacts had been poorly guarded and therefore stolen by somepony who wanted to avenge Cozy Glow?” Luna asked, “Or because they wanted to remove the threat of the Windigoes by removing magic entirely?”

“All very good points that I thought about and I was going to replace the guards,” Twilight hastily replied, “But then I thought, if I replaced the guards, they’d eventually group together and try to overthrow me! I already had to deal with a bunch of crazy ponies that wanted to revise Equestria’s history because they thought I was going to ruin Equestria’s future or that the future in question was inconsistent. And you know what? I think they might have had a point!”

“Were they the same ponies that you told to eat manure not that long ago?” Luna asked, “Because I assure you they are not in the right regarding their attempt to overthrow you. They just couldn’t move on nor could they accept that the era they had treasured had long since passed and that it’s time for a new generation. Speaking of moving on, I believe now would be a good time to take a break from your royal duties so you could actually have a chance to grieve.”

“But who will rule Equestria while I’m on my break?” Twilight anxiously asked.

“I’m sure Spike could handle it,” Luna replied, “With some assistance from parliament, of course.”

Twilight curiously tilted her head, “You mean congress?”

Luna shrugged, “Same thing.”

After a long gruelling trek around Equestria in the hope of reminding everypony of the magic of friendship, in addition to finding out what happened to magic in general, Sunny and her friends trotted towards a cloaked figure kneeling before a memorial statue of the former element bearers. Given how tall the figure was, Sunny wouldn’t have been too surprised if it was Princess Twilight Sparkle paying her respects to her absent friends. Unsurprisingly, her suspicions were confirmed when the cloaked figure pulled down her hood and revealed herself to be the princess. She looked more weary and worn-out in person. With nothing else to give tribute to the sovereign of Equestria, Sunny pulled out a Twilicane and hoofed it over to the alicorn before her. Twilight picked up the sceptre and looked thoughtfully at it…

Before nonchalantly tossing it over her shoulder and fucking off back to her castle.

Author's Note

Post-alicornification life has not been kind to Twilight, has it? :rainbowlaugh: I'm laughing yet Twilight's my waifu.

Still gonna give G5 a chance, though. After all, it's pretty evident that the plot is simply a rough path in Equestria's history and that everypony will be friends again by the end of it.

Right? :pinkiecrazy:

BTW, I was listening to this while writing:

Rather fitting theme for someone's descent into paranoia.