"I'm so close!" Connalee said. "My unicorn horn. My pegasus wings." Connalee shrugged, making the plastic wings flap. "My handhooves and foothooves." Connalee put one foot up on the desk, displaying a large footcover...to no one but Connalee.
In a little window on the computer screen, Jonathan asked, "So now you need an earth pony thing, and your costume is complete?"
"Nah!" Connalee said. "Earth ponies aren't special. They aren't even all rednecks. They're just boringponies. Vanilla ponies. No, the final thing I need so I can turn on my camera and start making videos is a groinal veil."
"A what?" Jonathan asked.
"A groinal veil."
"What's that?"
"Did you ever notice," asked Connalee, "when you watch MLP, you don't see anycreature's private parts?"
Jonathan laughed. "Of course you don't! It's a kid's show."
"Yes...but get your fan head on. We know ponies can make babies. Pumpkin and Pound Cake. Flurry Heart."
Jonathan huffed. "Flurry Heart was only because the actress who plays Cadance was pregnant, and they had to write something into the script to explain that."
If you'll consider one metaphor...Connalee tried to make a saving throw for the conversation's sanity. "But it's an animated show! You can't SEE her."
"But what about that special glow?" Jonathan insisted. "You think it doesn't show through in an actor's voice? I, for one, can spot the difference at a lossy 8k/sec."
"Whatevs, you poser. You're totally bluffing."
Jonathan was, in fact, bluffing, for reasons we'll get into a bit later. But he didn't enjoy being called on it. So he distracted his interlocutor. "What's this groinal veil?"
"It's the magical camouflage garment that blends into a pony's skin and hides their naughty bits. It makes them look naked, except you can't tell if they're a girl or a boy."
Jonathan felt his heart plummet inside his chest. He'd been chatting with Connalee for WEEKS, looking forward to the moment when the brony would assemble a complete costume and feel ready to turn the camera from OFF to ON. Jonathan had been so looking forward to finding out whether Connalee was a boy with an unusually high-pitched voice, or a girl with an unusually low softball pitch.
But now Jonathan's hopes were dashed. Destroyed. Rainbow Crashed, he might say.
Jonathan didn't know how to solve his problems. So he fell back on his core skill, which was arguing on the Internet. "What do you mean, we can't tell if they're a girl or a boy? Just look at their muzzle. That'll tell you, ninety-nine times out of a hundred. Boys have a...bigger protrusion."
Something chimed behind Connalee. "Oh! That's the doorbell. Dare I hope...could it be the last remaining piece to make my costume complete?"
"Whatever." Jonathan sighed. When Connalee put on the costume's last piece and turned on the camera, maybe Jonny-boy would at least be able to see some sideboob. Assuming there even was any boob to be sided.
Connalee went to answer the door. Or so Jonathan assumed. Since he couldn't see, for all he really knew Ceecee was mixing up a batch of cookie dough and warming up the oven.
Oooh, Jonathan thought to himself. I'D like to get a taste of that cookie dough! Assuming it's gender-compatible, of course. But he metaphorically slapped himself. No! Bad Jonnny! Not until you know for sure!
Connalee said, "It's here! It's here! The last piece of my costume! Now I can take off all my clothes, and when I'm totally naked, I can do the Dance of the Groinal Veil!"
Jonathan was confused, but had feelings strong enough to spill his can of soda. "Darn it! All over my keyboard!"
"Not on your clothes?" Connalee asked. "Just in case, you should take them off so you can check before it stains. We should get naked together!"
"Darn it!" Jonathan said. "Now I definitely got some on my clothes."
"You see? It's destiny! Are you ready?"
Jonathan stepped out of the camera's view. "How do you want to do this, Ceecee?"
"When we're both ready, let's do a countdown from three to zero. On zero, we both show each other what we've got."
Jonathan didn't even have to think. "I'm in."
"Okay. Just give me a minute."
Jonathan stripped off all his clothes like a nudist on methamphetamines. Which is to say, in a hurry, clumsily, and with questionable judgment. As he stared at his own computer's screen, he saw Connalee's camera switch from off to on.
"Huh," Jonathan said. "I would have expected a different background. Power Ponies is an unusual choice."
Connalee said, "I'm not ready to step in front of the camera yet. I want to try this groinal veil on just once before we begin, to make sure it fits right."
"But I thought you said we'd both be naked?"
"The groinal veil lets me put my inner brony on full display. I'll be MORE naked than if I wasn't wearing any clothes."
"I'm not sure I buy that," Jonathan replied. "Can't you just start out naked, and THEN you put on your groinal veil so you'll be EVEN MORE naked? I mean, your SOUL will be."
"Oooh!" Connalee said. "A spiritual striptease! I like the way you're thinking. We really were meant for each other."
"Sure," Jonathan said.
After a minute, Jonathan said, "Ceecee? How's the veil?"
A moment later: "Are you there?"
After a few minutes, Jonathan turned off his camera. This must be what they mean by the long con, Jonathan said to himself. Or did it mean a guy with lots of prison tattoos and twelve inches or more?
***
"AAAAAAAA!" Connalee screamed. "I can't believe it's FINALLY HAPPENING!"
Connalee's shoulders twitched once, then a second time. "I can't believe I tried on my groinal veil, and I WASN'T wearing my wings already!"
Hands fumbled at Connalee's forehead. "Or my horn. Celestia damnit, I'm an EARTH PONY! How could I have been so stupid!"
"Also," Connalee noticed, "I thought a magical portal to Equestria would have more colors in it. Like in the canon films. When Twilight is going all, WOAH wobblety wobblety screamy and stuff."
The colorless haze around Connalee cleared. Connalee looked at the clear blue sky and white, fluffy clouds. "So beautiful!" Connalee said. "Hardly any smog at all." Connalee looked down. "Too bad I'm falling to my death. But at least the trees and fields and little cottages down there are very pretty. I wonder if I'll be pretty too, when I'm part of them."
Something slammed into Connalee's body, carrying the brony sideways. "Did somepony call for an AWESOME RESCUE?" a blue and stripey blur asked.
"Rainbow Dash!" Connalee gushed. "I'm so happy to finally meet you! I take back all those things I said about you on the Internet forums."
Rainbow slowed her flight as she neared the ground. "What are you, anyway?"
"I'm...a brony."
"Oh. Ok. We get a lot of weird creatures around here." Rainbow landed gently upon a freshly mowed field.
A light bluish lavender pegasus with a blonde mane and tail ran out from a building. She smiled in a way that Connalee found only a little disconcerting. "What the buck are you?" she asked.
Rainbow said, "Language, Cloud Kicker. This brony thing doesn't even know us yet, Don't make a bad first impression."
The blonde pegasus said, "I'm more interested in what kind of impression the BRONY can make on ME. You know what I mean?" She winked at Connalee. "I like to explore strange new worlds."
Connalee stammered, "I...er...um...are you propositioning me?"
Cloud said, "Gimme a look at the goods first."
"You ARE propositioning me. I think."
Cloud said, "Come on already. Take off your groinal veil, or we'll never get anywhere." She nuzzled Connalee's flank. "Show me what you've got, brony."
Slowly, Connalee reached to unfasten the modesty garment.
"What, you think I've got all day? Let me help you with that!" Cloud reached up a hoof and pulled. The garment ripped.
Connalee was back in a familiar basement room. "Oh, come on!" Connalee shouted. "I was SO CLOSE!" Connalee pounded a fist on the desk.
A voice came from the computer. "Oh...hi, Connalee. You're back. And I see you're naked. Want to talk about it?"
Connalee sighed. "Sure, why not. Here, get a good look at my ass."
***
"Four and a half stars out of five. Only problems were no alicorn horn, no pegasus wings, problems with placement, interferes with sex life, rips much too easily, and I almost died. Recommended. I hope it's back in stock soon."
Author's Note
This story definitely isn't based on https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/442527/fome-thinks-too-much-pony-sexology-and-the-linseed-scale and https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/937715/dear-displaced-writers-your-entry-mechanicism-is-no-longer-viable, because that would be completely ridiculous.
