Um... click here, please... that is, um, if you don't mind...
It was just another ordinary day, or so I thought. There I was, just relaxing at the spa with Rarity, on one of our weekly spa-dates. Aloe and Lotus said they were trying some kind of new bath salt, and boy was it working. I just felt so much more relaxed than usual, and I'm pretty sure Rarity felt that way, too. There's nothing like a good hot bath to help you unwind.
Rarity was talking to me… but I was kind of tuning her out. I'm sorry… I know it's mean… but Rarity can get a little too talkative for me sometimes. That's ok, though, because I know it's just her way of letting out all the stress of the day. Luckily, nopony seems to notice when I'm not paying attention, and I can get by just by mumbling things like, 'mmm-hmm,' and 'that's nice.'
"…oh, darling, you have no idea. Anyway, I was thinking we might do something together tomorrow. I have some free time in my work schedule since I finished that order early. Perhaps tea?"
"Oh, um, I don't think so Rarity."
"Why ever not?"
"I don't think I'll have time to come into town tomorrow… I have to help a lot of animal friends fix up their homes tomorrow… you know… for the big thunderstorm that's coming? I don't want their little warrens and dens to get flooded." I flicked some bath water with a forehoof to make my point.
"Oh… well… perhaps I could drop by your place then?"
"Um…"
"We could have some tea, and just chit-chat and gossip at the kitchen table!"
"Rarity, um… I don't have a kitchen table. I… don't even have a kitchen, actually…"
"Whaaaaat? You don't?" Rarity asked with a raised eyebrow. "That's funny, I could have sworn you did…" And she rubbed her chin with a pruny hoof.
Truth is, she's only been to my cottage a couple of times for social visits. Now that I think about it, none of my friends come by very often unless they're coming to pick me up. We're always doing things in town…
"Rarity… I'm pretty sure I don't have a kitchen…"
"But darling! How can you NOT have a kitchen?"
"Well I never really needed one. I don't even have an icebox…"
"Oh, but Fluttershy, dear! You simply MUST have an icebox for certain foods!"
"Um, like what?"
"Well, eggs, milk, you know, foods that will spoil if left out?"
"But Rarity, I have a chicken coop, remember? My eggs come straight from the nest," I said with a smile, knowing secretly my eggs would always be fresher than hers. "Besides, the ice ponies won't deliver that far out of Ponyville anyway. And it doesn't help that my house is so close to the Everfree forest. I don't think they'd even want to deliver ice there even if they would." It's true. Most ponies are too scared of the forest to even come near my house. I'm surprised I even have mail service.
"Well what about milk, darling? Surely you don't just let it turn to yogurt?!"
"Oh, no. I have that nice little stream that runs by my house. My little otter friends live in a den under the bridge by my front door, and they keep my milk bottles nice and cool in the stream water for me."
"Well… darling, I… whatever works for you, I suppose."
Later, when I got home – but before I got to the door – Rainbow Dash flew over and said hi.
"Hi Fluttershy!"
"Hi Rainbow, what are you doing here?"
"Ah… I was just in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd drop by! Mind if I hang around for a bit? I've been flying all day, and boy are my wings tired!"
"Sure Rainbow, come on in."
Angel greeted me when I opened the door, like he always does. He's such a good little bunny.
So when Rainbow came in, she asked me if I had something to snack on.
"Hey Flutters? Ya got anything to snack on?"
And that was when I knew I'd be spending the whole day explaining my kitchen-less lifestyle to everypony.
Sigh "Sure Rainbow, go ahead and make a sandwich or something."
"Sammich sounds good!"
She flew around my house a bit. And I waited.
Waited for the inevitable.
"Hey Flutters! What happened to your kitchen?!"
And there it was. "I don't have a kitchen, Rainbow."
"Then… then where do you keep all the food?!"
"In there…" I pointed to the food room, and she flew in there. Tired wings, huh?
"Huh, well… I guess it's KINDOF a kitchen…"
Does a room count as a kitchen if no actual cooking happens in there? I have some cabinets, mostly for storing fruits and vegetables, and a sink, but that's it. Any cooking I do is on the hearth in the living room.
"That's funny. I coulda sworn you had a kitchen around here somewhere…"
"Think about it Rainbow. You've been in here enough times. Have I ever had a kitchen?"
"Well… now that you put it that way… Weird. I guess you're right. I don't think I've ever seen you cooking..." She eyeballed the pots and pans hanging on my living room's fireplace.
I thought the hearth would have been a dead giveaway for anypony that's ever looked inside my house, that that's where I do my cooking…
But I guess not.
I sighed and joined Rainbow in making sandwiches.
When we were finishing our food, there was a knock on the door.
KNOCK
KNOCK
KNOCK
"I wonder who that could be?" I got up and opened the door.
It was Iron Will, of all ponies, er, minotaurs, whatever. I hadn't seen him in a while. Rainbow flew up behind me.
"Um, hi Iron Will… uh, what brings you here?" I know Pinkie and Rarity still don't like him very much after what happened. But it wasn't really his fault, I don't have any hard feelings…
"Hi Fluttershy! I just dropped by to show you a new product I'm pushing- I- I mean, that you might be interested in!"
"Um…"
He whistled to somepony, and all of a sudden a couple of his goat assistants brought over a table with a bunch of raw vegetables on it, and put it in front of Iron Will, right on my door step. He picked up a funny looking little thing and showed it to us.
"Hi, it's Iron, with Clop Chop! You're gonna be in a great mood all day, cuz you're gonna be cloppin' your troubles away with the Clop Chop!"
He showed us all the different chopping you could do with the vegetable-chopping… thing. He chopped up potatoes and mushrooms and boiled eggs and all sorts of things.
"You love salad! But you hate making it, you know you hate making salad!"
"I, um…"
"Watch this!" He put some celery and a carrot on the table, put the thing over it, and hit it. "One clop! Salad!"
"Um, Iron Will?"
"You're gonna love my nuts! Watch this!"
"IRON WILL!"
"…Yes, Fluttershy?"
"Oh, um, I'm sorry, but I don't do a whole lot of cooking. I don't even have a kitchen."
"Don't have a kitchen? Huh. Even I got a kitchen back at the hedge maze." He pointed over his shoulder. "You sure you don't have a kitchen?"
"Yes, and thank you for dropping by, but I'm just not interested…"
"But I am!" Rainbow butted in. "My cloud condo's kitchen could use one of clop-thingies! How much are they?" She said, hovering behind me in excitement.
"That's the best part! Only three monthly payments of 20 bits!"
"What the hay!?"
"And if you order now, I'll even throw in this cheese grater, this set of stainless steel kitchen knives, AND I'll even give you a SECOND Clop Chop for free!" He said as he displayed all the new items on the table.
"Wow… that’s just… dumb," Rainbow muttered.
"Thank you Iron, but no thank you," I said.
"But Fluttershy…"
"Iron… no means no, remember?"
"Yeah… I remember," he grumbled, scratching the back of his neck.
He whistled back to his assistants and they whisked the table away.
"Alright Fluttershy, I'm gonna head into town and see if I can sell some of these things. See ya later!" He stepped up onto a goat who walked away with Iron standing on his back.
And just as he left, Applejack and Pinkie came trotting down the path to my cottage.
"Howdy, y'all!"
"HI GIRLS!"
"Hello," I greeted.
"Hey guys! Fluttershy doesn't have a kitchen!"
Oh, thank you so much Rainbow…
"Ya don't? How dontcha have a kitchen?" Applejack asked, giving me a cocked eyebrow.
"I just don't. I never really needed one," I answered a little begrudgingly.
"B- B- But, you have a stove, right?! Like with an oven?!" Pinkie stammered.
"Um… no…?" This was going downhill fast and I knew it.
Pinkie gawked at me, "WHAT?! You don't have an oven?! Then how do you BAKE anything?!"
"Well, um, Pinkie, I don't usually bake. Or actually I never bake." I put a hoof to my chin. "Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever baked…"
"WHAT?! YOU'VE NEVER BAKED?! Oh no! That's awful! We have to get you to Sugar Cube Corner right away!"
"But Pinkie…" I protested as she forcefully nudged me out the door.
"No buts missy! You need to bake something… STAT!"
"Twilight sent us to pick ya up anyway, sugar cube. You too RD. Somethin' special's goin' on in town," Applejack added.
"O- Ok…" I gave in and followed my friends into town.
Mrs. Cake greeted all of us when we walked into Sugar Cube Corner.
"Hello girls!"
We greeted her back.
"Howdy!" from Applejack.
"Hi Mrs. Cake!" from Rainbow.
"Um… hi…" from me.
Mr. Cake came in the room, "Pinkie, what on earth are you doing to poor Fluttershy?!" He asked because I was sitting on my haunches and Pinkie was scooching me into the kitchen. I really didn't feel up to baking after the whole kitchen business that day.
"I'm gonna teach her how to bake! Because she doesn't have an oven! So she's never baked anything before!" Pinkie took a breather from pushing me into the kitchen. "And after that! I'm gonna get her an oven!"
"But Pinkie, I'm perfectly fine not having an oven…"
"No…" UNGH "you're…" HHNG "NOT!" OOF
"Oh deary, don't pay any attention to Pinkie, there's nothing wrong with not having an oven!" Mrs. Cake said with a gentle smile.
"Besides, more business for us!" Mr. Cake blurted out with a silly grin on his face, that is, until Mrs. Cake punched him in the side and gave him a dirty look for saying that.
"I mean! Uh… We're happy to be your bakers!" The goofy orange stallion corrected.
His wife rolled her eyes at him.
When Pinkie finally had me in the kitchen, she put a baker's hat on my head and started singing out the directions for baking cupcakes. Normally I'd be happy to sing along with her, but I just wasn't in the mood. Luckily, she did most of the work.
Right when she finished the song…
"…Cupcakes! Cupcakes! CUPCAAAAAKES!!!"
Almost on cue, actually… Twilight walked in, and Spike waddled in behind her.
"Hi girls!" Twilight greeted us. Spike just waved.
"HI TWILIGHT! HI SPIKE!" Pinkie shouted.
"Hello…" I meekly greeted.
"What's going on?" Twilight asked, curious about what we were baking.
"Pinkie's teaching me how to bake."
"YEAH! Because she's never baked before because she doesn't have an oven because she doesn't have a kitchen to put an oven in!"
I buried my face in a forehoof. Thank you Pinkie… thank you so much…
"Oh? You don't have a kitchen in your cottage? That's funny, I could swear you had one," Twilight wondered.
"I know…" I said through grit teeth, my face still in my hoof. "That's what everypony's been saying today…"
Then Spike spoke up, "Yeah we don't really have much of a kitchen either, just an icebox. But who needs a stove when you got a dragon in the house?" He said with his claw proudly on his cute little puffed out chest.
"How many libraries have a kitchen anyway?" Twilight wondered aloud.
Desperate to change the subject, I asked, "So, um, why did you want us all to come to town, Twilight?"
"Oh, the princesses are coming to visit and I wanted you all to be here."
"WHAT?!" It was such short notice! Usually Twilight plans for weeks in advance for something like that! "Why didn't you mention that earlier?!"
"Oh, well, I only found out myself about an hour ago. It's not a surprise visit or anything, Princess Celestia just said they had some free time, so they wanted to stop by on the way back from Appleoosa."
"And now we'll have some fresh cupcakes for the princesses!" Pinkie gleefully announced.
"I'm a little disappointed that I didn't get more time to set things up, but Celestia always tells me there's no need for all the pomp and circumstance when it's just a casual visit," Twilight said, waving a hoof around in the air.
"Pomp and what-now?" Pinkie asked.
"Circumstance, Pinkie, it's just a figure of speech," Twilight informed her.
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!" Pinkie shouted as she bounced out of the kitchen.
We followed her, and everypony was in the main room.
"Oh, hi Fluttershy, dear, glad you could make it!" Rarity greeted me. It's not like I had a choice either way…
"THEY'RE HE~RE!" Mrs. Cake shouted from over by the window.
We all went outside to meet the princesses, their sky carriage just touched down right in front of the bakery. Celestia and Luna descended from their carriage, and everypony bowed, even me… but not Twilight. I know she's Celestia's personal student and all, but… how does she get away with that?
Celestia spoke, "Rise my little ponies." And we did. "Hello Twilight, hello girls!"
And then Luna spoke, "Good evening, Element bearers!" She seemed particularly happy that day.
We went back inside and we were all treated to cakes and pies and tea… and then Pinkie brought out those cupcakes she, er, 'we' just baked.
"Here you go princesses!" Pinkie said as she squeezed right between the two royal sisters and set the platter full of cupcakes on the table in front of them. "Fluttershy helped me bake them!"
"Fluttershy, I didn't know you enjoyed baking!" Celestia said.
"Oh, I'm not much of a baker…"
"She isn't! She doesn't even have an oven! Or even a kitchen!" Why, Pinkie?
Why?
"Or an icebox…" Et tu, Rarity? Et tu?
I buried my face in both forehooves that time. I probably would have used all four hooves if I could have, the most epic facehoof of all time. That's how I felt…
"You don't have a kitchen, Fluttershy?" Celestia asked, and I looked up from my hooves.
"Pray tell, how is it thou dost not possess such kitchenly wares in this modern age?" Luna started. "As royalty, we have always held a well equipped kitchen, but the village peasants would all take their baking foods to the town bakery to be cooked! Tis a shame to think that a thousand years later, after the advent of locomotives, antibiotics, and indoor plumbing, that even one of our very own Elements of Harmony wouldst have to do as the peasants of old once did!"
"Yes, well um, I don't mind…"
"And why dost thou not possess one of these marvelous 'ice boxes'? My sister tells me the ice service in Ponyville is well founded, they should have no problems supplying ice to thy home."
"No, really, I- I don't mind…"
"Sister, I think Fluttershy is trying to say that she likes being without some of these modern conveniences. Rustic living, I suppose. Am I right, my little pony?" Celestia asked me with that creepy smile she's always wearing.
"Oh, yes, I like living out in nature, that's why I live so far from town."
"Well, tis a free country, so my sister tells me anyway, do as thou please," Luna finished, sipping some tea.
After that, things were pretty quiet. We all went out for a stroll through town, and it was a beautiful evening. The sun was just starting to set, and I couldn't help but wonder if Celestia was consciously thinking about it. I also noticed the sky was clear. Too clear for a night that had a light rain scheduled. No time to set up, huh Twilight? I'm pretty sure she pulled some strings for that…
Luna wandered off with her creepy bat-winged guard ponies. I'll have to ask Twilight about them sometime. Pretty sure it's some kind of magic. Anyway, after a little while, Luna caught up with the rest of us again and she was carrying something in her blue magic.
Celestia was interested… "Luna, what is you have there?" She asked her unusually giddy sister.
"Tia! You must see this device! The minotaur who peddled it called it a 'clop chop!' One simply hits it with a hoof, and it chops foods!"
"Well that's… interesting…"
"These devices will surely increase the efficiency of our kitchen staff!"
"Devices? Luna, exactly how many of those things did you buy?"
"Forty! And only three monthly payments of 30 bits each! The peddler also said he would 'throw in' some kitchen knives and cheese graters free of charge!"
Celestia sighed through her ever-present regal smile. She looked like she was about to facehoof, if she wasn't trying to keep up appearances with the whole town watching.
Luna almost shouted with glee, "I do so love these modern conveniences! FLUTTERSHY! Art thou positive thou dost not want a modern kitchen for thy 'rustic' and kitchen-less cottage?!"
I scrunched up my face and flattened my ears at the loudness of her voice, the wind from her bellowing blew back my mane.
Of course she had to shout that in her Nightmare Moon voice.
Right in the middle of town.
With everypony in town watching and listening.
Sigh
Oh well… at least now nopony around here will think I have a kitchen anymore.
I hope…
Author's Note
So I read one too many fics where Flutters magically has a kitchen. It bothers me so! So I wrote this!
If you want a more in-depth explanation of why the kitchen thing bugs me, see next chapter. Also, comments are appreciated! Please 'watch' me as well! I have lots of neat new fics cooking up! (haha, get it? Cooking?) And I won't spam you with blog posts!
