Survival Begins at Home

Emperor Zaka sat on his throne, enjoying the chest rub being given by two of his harem slaves while three others danced in front of him. He was enjoying a zesty peach limeade and a pressed cheese panini on rye with spicy pickles. After all, as the emperor, he was entitled to such things. He had earned them, simply by being born better than his subjects. They had to work for their right to own slaves, and pay for their more plain food.

Just as he finished his sandwich and was about to make himself a bit more comfortable with one of his slaves, the doors swung open. He had a visitor in his palace. Three, in fact. One was a mule, and a rather large one. The other two were donkeys, a male and a female.

Zaka stood up. "To what do I owe the pleasure?" he asked as they came within earshot.

"We were hoping you could tell us," said the mule, opening a scroll from Zaka. He'd summoned the donkey matriarch, but it seemed she was either unable or unwilling to join the negotiations personally. "We've been sent to answer your summons on behalf of Lady Marianne. She asked us to come in her stead."

"Very good, very good. Would you care to have a seat?" Zaka gestured to the comfortable-looking sofa that he regularly lounged upon. "Perhaps a drink? A mare of comfort perhaps?"

"A drink would be very welcome," said the female donkey, sitting down on the sofa and producing a binder from her saddlebags. "Anything you have is fine."

Zaka pointed to his own drink, which was nearly empty, then held up four fingers. The young serving slave that had brought him the drink and sandwich in the first place ran off to the kitchens to prepare four more. He returned three minutes later with one for his master, and one for each of his guests.

"Now, then," said the mule, joining his compatriot on the sofa. "What is it you wished to discuss with our matriarch?"

Zaka returned to his throne and lay down among his harem. "You and yours have been working on a new weapon, based on mining equipment and fireworks. I want that weapon. Not for free, mind you. I am willing to negotiate with you."

The male donkey shook his head. "That weapon is still in development. It's only in the testing phase. It's not ready for full scale war yet."

Zaka scratched his chin. "You say that, but didn't you use it to fend off a gryphon attack in one of your major cities a month ago?"

The mule furrowed his brow. "That was supposed to be privileged information. Since you seem to already know about that event, let me inform you that what happened was an emergency field test. The new weapons were not yet well-distributed, and so we mostly relied on our older, more reliable setup, with a few of our soldiers using the new stock. While they have proven to be effective against aerial assault, every soldier that used these weapons was hospitalized. Some of them have been released, others have been discharged due to the severity of their injuries. Unless you plan on building a new army after every battle, we respectfully decline your request to look into our research and development."

Zaka frowned. "I'm not an unreasonable man. I believe it would be in both of our interests if we were to help expedite your development. After all, we have disposable test dummies."

"You are referring to these fine ladies?" asked the mule, gesturing to the mares draped over Zaka's lap. "Sorry, but we're exclusively anti-slave. Your offer is most generous, but if we were to take it, it would be an insult to our matriarch, and that is not something we can do at this time."

"What would you even need them for?" asked the male donkey. "You have one of the largest armies on the planet, and your population growth indicates that this is unlikely to change. Furthermore, your weapons are not outdated, even in the slightest. In the battle you cited, the most effective tool keeping the gryphon aggressors at bay was your arbalest design. The longbows were second, and the common spear was third. You use spears all the time, what makes you think you need a dangerous new weapon that is just as likely to kill the user as it is the intended target?"

Zaka smirked. "The results." He tossed forward a manila envelope, inside of which was a stack of photographs. "I saw the damages your new weapons did. If we can mitigate the damages to the user, it would help to end our battle with Equestria much quicker. The war would be over before you knew what was going on. Fewer casualties, more survivors, and definitely less injured to take care of. There's no recovering from this."

The mare stood up. "Equestria has, for a long time, stood at our side as allies. Longer than the two of our nations have stood together. If you would use these tools against the gryphons, perhaps we might come to some arrangement. However, with your victims being Equestria, we are stoically against this conflict. Thank you for your hospitality, Emperor Zaka, but it seems we must be departing now. Our matriarch will want our full report right away."

As the others stood up to leave, Zaka leaned back. "Of course, the Equestrians are like family to you. I understand. As they say in Equestria, 'be cool or be mule.'"

The mule froze in place in the middle of putting on his jacket and leered at Zaka. "What was that?"

Zaka shrugged. "It's just something they say in Equestria. Like 'stubborn as a mule,' or 'donkey-brained.' You didn't know they said that?"

"They're very common sayings," agreed one of the dancers, a unicorn slave captured from Equestria some years ago.

"I also have this book of fables from Canterlot," said Zaka, snapping his fingers. Immediately, a slave came forward and presented him the book. "Can you tell me the name of the story on page thirty-eight?"

The mule looked closely. "The Tale of Donkey Do-Little."

"It's a story about how being lazy is bad. Nopony likes Donkey Do-Little." Zaka smiled condescendingly and closed the book. "Ah, but I'm rambling again. I'm sure you are great friends with Equestria. I'm sure they never say mean things behind your back."

The female donkey scowled. "And how can we be sure you don't say cruel things behind our backs?"

"Easy," chuckled Zaka. "I say them right to your face. I don't let my bad intent fester, hiding it away like some coward. I come right out and tell you the truth, like a close friend would."

There was a long, silent, uncomfortable pause. The dancers continued to dance as ordered, but that was the only movement until the mule took a deep breath. "We'll send over some materials for you to work with." With that, the trio left the room.

With a cunning smile, Zaka returned to his throne. "Alright, ladies. Who wants to suck away my stress?"