Chapter one: Don't do drugs kids!
“Argh,” I moaned and put a hand up to my head. “Anyone get the number of that fucking truck that was slammed into my head by Zuse?” I grumbled and opened my eyes, only to shut them again. “Dayum, must have passed out on a roof garden or something.” I said, still shielding my eyes from the endless assault of light the sun had to offer, like I was it’s main focus or something. “Alright Zeek, hangover is a problem but you have to find out whose property you're on so you don’t get arrested like last time.” I pulled my Ipod out and opened my eyes, slowly so I wouldn’t blind myself. I stuck the ear-bud in my ears and turned on ‘Everywhere I go’ by hollywood undead and looked around from where I was lying down.
“Must be one of those places that has trees....” I sat up slowly, and the number of trees multiplied along with the grass.
No buildings...
miles of grass and trees...
“I’m in Slender, except it’s day time.” I concluded and got up. “Alright, try and stay alive, thats my goal.” I muttered to myself. I stretched and put a hand on my head. “Ow, son of a barrel this hurts.” I muttered as I limped over to one of the trees and leaned on it. “Better than standing at least, give me a minute Slendy.” I sat there for a moment to let my headache pain go away. “Right, lets see...” I looked around, I saw forest, lots and lots of forest. I mean that’s all there was, trees, grass, oh and look! More grass. “I need to stop describing that.” I pushed myself off the tree and began to walk in a random direction. I followed spongebob logic and went the way the moss grew on the trees and rocks. “This is the stupidest thing I have ever done, I might just walk off a cliff or something.” I muttered then did a combat role when I heard twig snap to my left. “Beidh mé tú a mharú!” I yelled at the unknown thing, knowing full well it could not understand me.
“What?” A small voice called from the other side of the war zon- I mean small forest clearing. “Who’s there? Show yourself!” Cocky voice, dripping with bravery.
“Promise not to shoot me?” I called out from behind my bush, just want to make sure I won't die.
“What does the even mean?” I facepalmed hard enough for the smack to echo through the clearing.
“Nevermind, just don’t....Throw anything at me or try and fight me, alright?” There was a silence for a while, the she-voice must have been thinking.
“As long as you don’t do the same then fine!” Well, there goes my plan.
“Fine! On the count of three we both come out....One....Two...” I tensed up. “Three!” I rolled out from behind my bush with war type music blasting on my ipod. When all I saw was a orange horse I looked around. “Um, hello?”
“Yeah, hi.” The small horse growled at me. “Don’t ignore me!” I stared stunned at the little horse, I must have been drugged or something, might as well go along with it.
“I see you, I just don’t think your real at the moment, I need a moment to correct anything that may be wrong with my brain.” I sat on the ground and stared at the little orange horse with immense intensity.
“You're really creepy, you know that?” it growled at me while fidgeting around in my vision.
“You must be immune to my mind powers, you don’t think you're on fire yet.” I joked, but then she looked at me wide eyed as if I was speaking the complete truth.
“You have magic?!”
“Sarcasm is an amazing weapon...” I muttered. “No I was kidding, a joke. Laugh damn you!” I got up and pointed at it like the evil monkey in family guy. It flinched back then growled at me with intense bravery.
“Make me!” It’s making this hard on me. I shrugged and began walking over to it. “N-now hold on!” She took one step back and screamed when I picked it up.
“Laugh dammit!” I began to tickle it’s stomach area. It began to laugh hard, saying ‘No! Stop!’ and ‘That tickles!’ I got a wrong feeling when she said those things, this better not make anyone mad at me. “There, you laughed, for like 20 minutes.” I dropped it and it stopped laughing to wipe some tears out of it’s eyes. “Now, where is the nearest town little horse thing? I need to dump a bucket of cold water on my head.” It gave me a strange look. “What?”
“You are, REALLY weird, what the heck are you anyway? And what’s that sound coming out of your head?”
“That would be amazing music, currently Skrillex.” I pulled the earbuds out and crouched down. “Here, wanna listen?” What? I’ll come back later and get the ipod off the raccoon I’m currently giving it to. It took the earbuds in it’s hooves, which I don’t know how this is even possible, and looked at me.
“So, I just put these in my ears?” I nodded. “Alright...” I have concluded it’s a she because she knows NOTHING of modern tech. I hit the play button and the look on her face just about made me piss myself from laughing, her eyes shot open and her mouth dropped from the pure awesome. “Whoa...” Was all she got out after about 2 minutes.
“So.......Town?” I asked and she absentmindedly turned and began walking. “I think that raccoon just stole my ipod...” I muttered and started walking after her. After a half hour walk/chase we broke out of the forest and in the distance I could see a colorful town, filled with more horses I’m betting. “Holy christ that is colorful, usually when I get drugged it’s not this colorful.” I squinted to get a better look at the town.
“Hey.” I looked down at the small horse. “What is this thing? A magic box?”
“Yeah, we’ll go with that.” I said. “It copies someone’s voice as their singing and it plays it back perfectly.” I looked back to the town. “So where can I get a bucket of cold water?”
“Um, you could ask Applebloom’s sister, we have to find them first.” I looked back to the horse.
“That’s a strange name, can I call her App?” I asked as we began moving to the left.
“Dunno, you’ll have to ask her, she might be at the club house with Sweetie belle.” I had to stop for a second to get the giggles out. “What?”
“She must be a real ‘sweet’heart, eh?” After a few seconds she giggled. “There we go!” I laughed and continued walking. “So, where is this clubhouse?”
“In Sweet Apple Acres, somewhere in the orchard.” I gave her a confused look.
“Somewhere? So you don’t know where it is exactly?” She glared at me.
“I do! I just have to....Wonder around for a bit, get my exercise in, I usually have my scooter.” I chuckled a bit.
“Sweet, you ride a scooter? You should show me some sweet stunts before I knock myself back into reality.” She stopped and looked at me, we were at the edge of a bunch of apple trees.
“What do ya mean? You talking about real life or something?” I nodded and pointed at the town to the south-west of us.
“Nothing can be that colorful without it hurting someone, with me it’s kinda hard on the eyes.” She looked at the town for a few moment and rubbed her eyes.
“Now that you point it out it is kinda bright.” I clapped once and made her jump.
“My point! To me it can’t be real, so therefor I must get a bucket of cold water to return to reality.” She had thee most confused face I have ever seen. “Alright, alright, stop thinking about it you might hurt yourself. Come on let’s go and get lost for a half hour.” After a few moments she started walking again, I followed of course but I was kinda scared about getting lost in here, cause what I concluded is that we WILL get lost and eaten by Slender. “Hey, tell me if you see anything like me just very fucking tall and has a white head with no face.” She gave me another confused look. “Trust me, you’ll know why I want to keep an eye out for him.”
“Ok?” She was confused by the whole topic, I don’t think I should explain though. We kept walking for a while, boredom ate at me from the inside out.
“Hey orange thing, can I have my ipod back?” She gave me the most pissed off look something that small could muster.
“The name is Scootaloo! And no! This is awesome!” She moved away from my grabbing distance with a glare.
“Aww come on! I’m bored and I don’t need a chicken trying to steal my stuff!” Suddenly I saw nothing but darkness, and felt childlike strikes, except hooves made it a shit load more painful. “AHHHHH! GET OFF ME!” I ran around a bit until I got my hands on a tree. “Take this you little shit!” I reared back and right as I was swinging my head forward she lept off my face. “Fuck!” My head slammed into the tree full force and I heard a very loud CRACK! I held my face as I fell backwards. “Oh god am I bleeding!?” I looked at my hands. “Nope.” I sighed with relief and looked up at the not fallen over tree. “Whoa! Cool!” I looked over at Scoots, who had a look of shock on her face, along with some amazement.
“....Whoa, you're stronger then Applejack...” She said after a while.
“Damn right I’m stronger then applejacks! Best damn cereal I ever had though.” I got up and dusted myself off. “How long do ya think before someone notices that?” Just then I heard a yell of rage and hooves pounding into the ground, getting closer to me. “Why do ya do this to yourself Zeek?” I muttered and did a combat roll to my left. “Beidh mé do thóin tús go Dé Sathairn seo chugainn ansin deoch ar do uaigh!” I yelled in Irish and spun around to see a lighter orange colored pony with a fucking cowboy hat.
“Aww hell...”
Chapter two: Ded for a moment.
Let’s recap shall we? The last place we left off I had just head but a tree and snapped it in half trying to get the little orange horse named Scootaloo off my face for calling her a chicken, then a lighter orange horse showed up shortly after and is now trying to kill me.
We done? Good, let’s get back to it then.
I scrambled up a tree close to me to avoid another charge from the crazier orange horse. “What did I do!?”
“Ya broke one of mah apple trees! Now get down here and take y’er beating like the monster you are!” Another she horse, great.
“No! I don’t feel like being mauled by a bear!” She looked at me with a mixture of confusion and hate, pure hate. “The force is strong with this one.” I muttered and she kicked the tree with enough force to almost make me fall out of my comfortable perch in said tree.
“Get down here!”
“Since when did you become Scorpion!?” I screamed and held on for dear life. “Hey god? Yeah it’s me, long time no see. You got my five bucks? Guess not, meh. Anyway if I die then I’m blaming you for this.” I looked down at the horse, and jumped down onto it. It being small and everything I over took it easily, well not easily. “WOO!” I said holding up the tired horse. “I win! Scoots I caught dinner!” I joked, but no one here can figure out when I joke and I got a back hoof to the upper left eye. “ARGH! DAMMIT TO THE NINTH RING OF HELL!” I dropped the horse. “I WAS KIDDING! CAN ANYONE FIGURE THIS OUT!?” I yelled in pain and fell to my knees.
“You were joking?!” The light orange pony looked at me in shock, or surprise, I’m only using one eye here, give me a break.
“YES! OHHHH THE PAIN! I THINK I FEEL MY BRAIN!” It didn’t hurt THAT much, I’m joking again. “SCOOTS! TELL MY KIDS I LOVE THEM! AND MY WIFE I’M NOT PAYING CHILD SUPPORT AND SHE CAN’T MAKE ME WHEN I DIE!” I then fell over and stopped moving, still holding a hand over my eye.
“Applejack! He was friendly!” I heard scoots cry and run over to me.
“Ah, ah didn’t know! ‘He’ knocked down one of mah trees!”
“That was my fault he did that!” Aw crap she’s crying on my stomach, it makes me have to pee. “I jumped on her head and he tried to get me off...” Didn’t know you could make friends that fast. “And all cause he wanted his magic box back.”
“It’s a ipod, get it right.” I whispered then began laughing when Scoots jumped up and screamed. “Oh I got you good!” I continued to laugh for a little while.
“....Now that was just terrible...” The lighter orange one sighed and sat down.
“Get to know me, it’s funny.” I got up and started panting. “Oh my stomach, that was funny, well worth the pain of getting kicked in the head.” I leaned on a tree close to me, keeping my hand over my head. “Now then, who are you?”
“Mah name’s Applejack.” She answered still sitting down.
“Good, can I have a bucket of cold water please?” I asked, still leaning on the tree.
“Um, hows about we get you fixed up first? You better hope yer friendly.” She almost growled at me, almost. Scoots somehow got onto my shoulder.
“He is! He gave me his magic box!”
“Ipod, and I didn’t give it to you, I’m letting you borrow it. I don’t want the little horse thing getting addicted to dubstep and sick puppies.” I mumbled that last part, I was hoping she wouldn’t get that far into the playlist.
“I’m a pony,” She grumbled with a adorable face.
“You guys are ponies? Eh.” I shrugged, almost knocking Scoots off my shoulder. I honestly didn’t mind her up there, and was hoping she would get distracted and get some of the cold water to, when I get some. “Alright, where to now?”
“Fluttershy’s, she know how tah take care of wild animals.” Ow, burned.
“Harsh, alright, lead the way.” She huffed and began walking. I followed with Scoots on my shoulder. I stole a earbud and after a bit of complaining on Scoot’s end she gave up on trying to get it and I put it in my left ear, Hammerfall, way of the warrior was playing currently, and that was metal. “This doesn't bug you?” I pointed at the earbud.
“Not really, I can’t understand most of the words but it sounds awesome.” I had to agree, I knew what the words kinda ment and just liked it for the music.
“That’s the way you should listen to music, for the music, not the artist.” Hey, I can be a nice guy sometimes, sue me. We walked out of the orchard and kept going, staying just on the edge of a gloomy looking forest. “What’s with the dark forest?” I pointed it out. I was hoping Scoots was going to answer cause I kinda don’t like Applejack, but she answered anyway.
“That’s the everfree forest, a scary and evil place filled with monsters.” I made a ‘pfft’ sound and crossed my arms.
“Monsters aren't real, they are just something made up in the minds of everyone who thinks about scary stuff.” She gave me a side look and stared at me for a while.
‘Well, it doesn't matter now. We’re here.” She stopped and I finally noticed the small cottage like thing that stood before me. There was no door so I guessed we were behind it, and I was right! Applejack began walking again and began heading for the side of the building. I followed but stumbled a bit.
“Whoa, think I’m getting too close to death here, can we speed this up?” I muttered holding my head again. I could feel Scoots on my shoulder tense up at my comment.
“Well, stop dilly dallying and get your flank over here.” Really? She said ‘dilly dallying’? Funny stuff. I straightened up and followed her to the front side of the building, which was almost covered in animals. Hey Soul Sister began playing as I tripped on a chipmunk’s nut......Heh.
“I’ll die happy knowing I made that joke...” I moved my head up to see, fuzzy lights, hehehehe. “Must move, can’t die here.” I moved a hand forward and began dragging myself up to the door.
“Don’t push yourself sugarcube!” I heard Applejack call in panic.
“We all face death with dignity! I’ll go out fighting!” I finally got to the door and kocked on it three times before my world went dark.
---True chapter one, Applejack---
When Zeek passed out from the blood loss, Applejack and Scootaloo rushed over to him from where they watched in shocked awe as he crawled from the bridge all the way up to Fluttershy’s door. Fluttershy opened the door and almost passed out from seeing the blood. Applejack quickly explained what happened and asked if Fluttershy could help, after a bit of getting control of herself she quickly agreed and had Applejack drag him in the house and place him on the couch. Fluttershy grabbed a fist aid kit and got to work on fixing him up. Applejack took Scootaloo outside while she worked.
“Got any 8’s?”
“Go fish.”
“DAMMIT!” I cursed and took a card from the deck that was placed on the dark colored wooden table. I was playing Death at a game of go-fish for my soul, and I had lost and gained so many cards that half the deck was gone. “Hey, you got any smokes?”
“Yeah, sure.” He reached into his hood and pulled out a carton of cigarettes.
“Tits,” He tossed them to me and gave me a lighter as well. I lit one and continued the game, when my head began to feel better. You see in death you keep the injury that killed you, but it doesn't hurt, and when that wound begins to heal that means you are going to live. “Hey is this closing up?”
“Yup, damn and I was just about to win.” Death sighed and set his cards down on the deck.
“We should do this again sometime, you're a cool dude.” I said as I set my cards down.
“Next time you die, and it will be monopoly.” I gave that motherfucker a high five before I faded into the light and woke up in a small living room like setting that would belong to a crazy old cat lady.
“Oh ow! Hurts again!” I went to put a hand over my head when a yellow hoof stopped me suddenly. “The hell?” I followed the hoof down to a yellow pony with pink hair looking at me with a stern look.
“N-no! You can’t touch it right now! You have to wait till it heals!” She spoke with so much forced confidence I thought she would turn into tarzan and kill a leopard. “T-that is, if you want to wait that long.” Aaaaaaand confidence gone.
“Eh, you're the doc.” I sat up and stretched, then I noticed half of my vision was blocked out. “Let me guess, this is covering my eye?” She nodded at me with a ‘eep’. “Wonderful, and I can’t get it wet either?” She nodded again. “Wunderbar.” I sighed and got up from the couch. “Alright, where did the other two go?” She pointed a shaky hoof at the door. “.....You have a tiny door. How did I even get in here.”
“W-well, Applejack dragged you in while you were on the ground, while you healed I cleaned up the b-blood left behind.” She gulped and got paler.
“Whoa calm down! Don’t want you to go out!” I shook my hands. “Right, how long was I out?”
“About three days, Scootaloo and Applejack have come by everyday ever since to check up on you.” I rubbed the back of my head and mumbled a few things.
“Am I loved that much already? Wait a second Scoots still has my ipod!” I charged towards the door and opened it. I sorta regret it cause my vision went black again. “WRRRRRR!” I yelled and began running around in random directions while I heard constante talking. I finally got smart and reached up to pull the foreign object from my face. “Scoots!” I chuckled at the grinning face of the little orange pony, her wings buzzing franticly.
“I thought you would die!” She cried out trying to cling to my face again.
“Come on, you kinda know me, I won’t go out without a fight. As you saw with that mini battle with Applejack. Where is she anyway?”
“Right here sugarcube.” I turned and saw a slight grin on the light orange pony. “You got better fast.”
“I’m stubborn, like hippo.” I said with a russian accent. “So, came and checked me out while I was out eh?” I gave her a stupid grin, and she blushed a bit, I was surprised I could see it through the fur.
“Naw you hold your tongue, I could have left ya there on Shy’s porch if ah wanted to.” I chuckled a bit.
“Ah but you didn’t, and that proves I’m loved.” I laughed when she blushed again. “Right, now Scoots, can I have my-” When I turned back to the orange filly she didn’t have the ipod. “Where’s my ipod?”
“Well...” She chuckled sheepishly. “I was walking around town listening to the music when Twilight saw it with my and asked me a bunch of questions about it. She asked if she could borrow it and I gave it to her.” I gave her a look with no emotion in it. “Don’t worry! We can go get it back! Come on we’ll go to the library right now!” She jumped out of my grasp and began running off.
“Later Jack! I got’s some stuff to steal back!” I then chased after Scootaloo, in hopes of retrieving my ipod before the war music got to one of the ponies.
