Trade Secrets

by nagoluckywriting

Rating: everyone
Tags: Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Mayor Mare, Comedy, Filthy Rich, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 6502

Sweet Apple Acres and Sugarcube Corner are subjected to (much overdue) health inspections.

For years, Sweet Apple Acres and Sugarcube Corner provided Ponyville and beyond with a tasty array of sweet foods. Scrumptious apple pies. Decadent cupcakes. But when Mayor Mare opens a new department of government, the department of food safety, the legacy of two of Ponyville's most notable culinary artists is threatened.

Takes place within the first three seasons of the show.

Published 2021-03-25 23:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-03-25 23:50:01 UTC

"How many calories are in that cupcake?"

"Wasn't that a great lesson?" said Apple Bloom to Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo as they trotted towards their favorite lunch spot on the playground. The spot with the soft patch of grass

"What was it about?" asked Sweetie Belle. "I wasn't paying attention."

"You're such an airhead," replied Scootaloo. "It was about Ponyville's government. The system we have in place to meet everypony's needs."

"If it meets everypony's needs, why do all of the adults complain about it?" said Sweetie Belle as she sat down on the grass.

They all shrugged. "It's complicated, I guess," said Apple Bloom as she opened up a lunchbox, revealing a slice of apple pie. She took a bite, chewing slowly to savor the sweet, delectable taste. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle looked at the remaining pie, then at each other.

"Is... that an earthworm?" they said in unision.

Apple Bloom, who had her eyes closed, opened them and looked down to see what was most definitely a baked earthworm jutting out from between two chunks of sugary apple. "Looks like it," she said. "Happens sometimes. Applejack says that they add to the flavor of the pastries we make."

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle gagged. "That's disgusting!" exclaimed Scootaloo, loud enough for other ponies to hear. Apple Bloom opened her mouth to defend her families pastries, but thought better of it as a familiar figure approached from the schoolhouse.

"What's disgusting?" asked Diamond Tiara. Then she saw the worm, and her face twisted into an expression of disgust. "Listen, Apple Bloom, I know your family prides itself on providing natural food to Ponyville but that—" She gestured at the half-eaten slice of pie. "—that's taking it a bit too far."

"Leave her alone," said Sweetie Belle through a mouthful of three tiered cupcake that she had taken out of her lunchbox. Her lips were plastered with strawberry frosting.

"Oh, and while we're on the topic of 'taking it too far', how many calories are in that desert from Sugar Cube Corner?" barked Diamond Tiara, turning to face Sweetie Belle.

"I don't—"

"Let's just say that you wouldn't be my first choice for a buckball partner at P.E. Or my second. Or my third."

"We get it," breathed Scootaloo.

"Y'know what I think I'm going to do? I'm going to tell my father about this. This has gone on for too long." Diamond Tiara turned around and began to trot away. "Enjoy your desserts!" she shouted in a mock singsong voice.

The cutie mark crusaders sat for a moment, glaring at Diamond Tiara as she went into the schoolhouse. Then they started laughing.

"'I'm going to tell my father about this,'" mocked Scootaloo.

"I mean, really? What's he going to do?" said Sweetie Belle, who was now on the bottom tier of the cupcake, vanilla with frosting and sprinkles baked inside.

"He's not going to change the Apple Family way, that's for sure," said Apple Bloom.

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle looked at Apple Bloom.

"Uh, Apple Bloom? You have a little something between your teeth," said Scootaloo. Applebloom put a hoof to her teeth and gently rubbed the earthworm bit out.

A faint ringing could be heard from the schoolhouse, which signaled that lunch time was over. The cutie mark crusaders quickly packed up their lunches and rushed toward the classroom.

"Wait for me guys!" Sweetie Belle huffed, her marshmallow body galloping unevenly behind Applebloom and Scootaloo.

Mayor Mare sat in her plush office chair, reviewing Ponyville's budget forms. More red than she'd ever seen in her life. Coercing a single strand of her thin gray mane back into place, she sighed. A hoof lightly knocked on her office door, but before Mayor Mare could open it, a tan pony waltzed through the door, mane slicked back by enough hair gel to fill a kiddie pool.

"Filthy Rich. So good to er... see you. What can I help you with today?"

"How often do you buy desserts from Sweet Apple Acres? From Sugar Cube Corner?"

"I actually visited Sugar Cube Corner today. Got myself this here desert." She turned around and picked up the pastry, then showed it to Filthy Rich. He looked at it quizzically. It looked like a cupcake sandwiched between two frosted donuts.

"It's a cupcake sandwiched between two frosted donuts," said Mayor Mare, returning the creation to her desk, scattering some sugar on her budget forms.

"That's exactly why I'm here," began Filthy Rich, flashing a pearly white grin. "It's come to my attention that certain businesses in Ponyville are not living up to common sense health standards. These business are serving contaminated or unhealthy foods that are detrimental to the health of residents here."

"What do you mean?"

"My daughter said that she found an earthworm in a pie from Sweet Apple Acres. Does that sound acceptable to you?" Before Mayor Mare could reply, he said, "No. It doesn't."

"I mean—"

"And that is why I am proposing a new department of government to manage the health and safety of Ponyville's food."

Mayor Mare looked back at her desk, where the budget sheets were bleeding with red ink. "I'm not sure that Ponyville can afford that right now," said Mayor Mare. "We've overspent this month. And last month. And the month before that." She looked at the marks on the paper. Over one thousand bits had been spent on balloons at Pinkie Pie's request.

"Money isn't an issue," said Filthy Rich. "I can finance this endeavor, yes."

Mayor Mare looked at him. At his steely smile. His expression twisted into a small pout. "That's how important the health of our citizens is to me."

There would be lots of paperwork to complete, but it was her duty as mayor to serve the needs of Ponyville residents. What Filthy Rich said was true. Ponyville's restaurants and food vendors were not subject to inspection, and she herself had witnessed some rather gross occurrences.

She sighed. "Okay."

The letter came in the mail that day. It was less of a letter, more of a packet, really. Applejack read it aloud in the kitchen.

"Dear Sweet Apple Acres, it has come to Ponyville's attention that your farm has been serving contaminated food to residents. Under the new department of food safety, your farm and it's products are hereby subject to inspection by a professional. Should you fail the inspection, you will be forced to suspend operations until further notice. Please consider the following recently enacted ordinances when preparing for inspection."

Applejack turned the page. "I reckon there's twenty pages of legal jargon here."

"What are we going to do about it, sis?" asked Applebloom.

"We'll do nothin'!" shouted Granny Smith, banging a hoof on the wooden dining table. "We've done apples our way for years. The government's not going to change that!"

"Eyup," Big Mac agreed.

Applejack stared at the legal document in her hoof. "But they'll close the farm if we don't make the changes they want to see."

"Oh, they will, aye?" A sly smile spread across Granny Smith's wrinkly face.

"Well, what is it that they're asking us to do, Applejack?" Applebloom looked at her big sister.

"Let's see here..." Applejack skimmed through the many pages of the letter. "No roaches, no mice, no dogs, washing station for produce, hairnets." She paused before saying, "There's quite a bit more."

"But do ponies really care about all of this?" Applebloom was up on the table now.

"It seems so," said Applejack, who gently placed the letter on the kitchen counter. "I wonder if Pinkie Pie got a letter too. Celestia knows what happens in that kitchen."

Mrs. Cake was cooking pancakes for breakfast that morning when the letter arrived.

Mrs. Cake cleared her throat, and began to read.

"Dear Sugar Cube Corner, it has it has come to Ponyville's attention that the pastries served by your establishment are unnecessarily high in calories, saturated fat, sugar, and salt, and that patrons are not aware of said contents. Furthermore, we believe that serving these pastries is detrimental to the health of the general population of Ponyville. Under the new department of food safety, Sugar Cube Corner is hereby required to publicly post nutritional information on all offerings as stated in the following recently enacted ordinances. You will be contacted by a nutrition researcher in the coming days to assist you in the process."

Mrs. Cake turned the page. "Lots of legal jargon."

Pinkie Pie looked Mrs. Cake. "So..."

"Listen Pinkie, some ponies are not as... gifted as you are, and so nutrition is something that they have to worry about."

"Nutrition schmutrition. I just want to live my best life." Pinkie Pie put her hooves on the plate of pancakes and upturned it, sliding a stack of pancakes as tall as her into her mouth. With manic energy, she looked for the bottle of sweet syrup and, after finding it, downed half the bottle like a college student at a frat party. Mrs. Cake watched all of this happen, powerless to stop it.

"We're going to have to adjust some of our recipes, I think, so that we can provide health conscious ponies with some more nutritious options."

Pinkie Pie laughed. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." More laughter. "Isn't the whole point of Sugar Cube Corner to provide ponies with decadent desserts? Let this nutrition 'researcher' analyze our cakes. Ponies will still line up for them, regardless."

Pinkie Pie, who had instantly turned her attention away from Mrs. Cake, stood in front of the oven for no more than a hypersecond before proclaiming an idea. "What if we put a cupcake INSIDE a cake? Like those little doll thingies, but with cake!" Mrs. Cake blinked and the entire kitchen countertop was crowded with ingredients, including large bags of sugar and sticks of butter. She sighed.

"I don't think—" she began.

Pinkie Pie appeared next to Mrs. Cake and put a hoof up to the blue mare's mouth, shushing her. "I need silence to stay in the zone."

"Thanks for coming Fluttershy," said Applejack as she led the yellow mare into her kitchen. "These here papers say that our kitchen needs to be free of vermin."

"Don't worry. I'll help these critters find a new home outside of your kitchen." The two of them approached the wall near the stove.

"Now let's see, they usually come out of this hole in the... oh." Applejack quickly moved to cover the hole. "Whoops, wrong spot. It's actually that hole over there. Yeah. That's the one!" Her voice jumped as she pointed towards a much smaller hole in the baseboard on the other side of the kitchen, one that Applebloom had made while playing with Big Mac's power tools a few years ago.

"That hole? Why, it's so small." A grin spread across Fluttershy's kind face. "These must be the cutest little tiny mice! I can't wait to meet them." She gently strode over to the hole and began whispering into it.

The sound of heavy footsteps echoed through the kitchen as Big Macintosh trotted down the stairs. He looked at Applejack's feet. Then at Fluttershy. Then back at Applejack who pleaded with her green eyes. "Don't say anything," she mouthed.

Fluttershy turned around. "Hi Big Mac," she said sweetly. "I'm helping Applejack clear out the mice before the inspectors come."

"Eyup," replied Big Mac. Applejack and Big Mac looked at Fluttershy nervously.

"The mice must be very timid. They aren't responding to my little mouse greetings. Are you sure this is the right hole Applejack?"

"Yessir," Applejack said quickly.

"Well in that case, I'll try again." Fluttershy crouched low and once again put her mouth up to the tiny hole. Both Applejack and Big Mac breathed a sigh of relief. Big Mac trotted out to the common area, his heavy footsteps waking up Granny Smith from her elderly slumber.

"SO BIG MAC, DID THOSE MOUSETRAPS WORK?" she said, her coarse voice echoing through the entire house. Applejack tried to kick the blocks of wood underneath the boiler, but it was too late. Fluttershy pushed herself upwards and wandered towards Applejack. The mousetrap Applejack kicked struck Fluttershy in her left hoof. They both looked down at the wooden block and the clearly dead mouse that lay on it, its body mangled by a thin iron bar. Immediately, Fluttershy began to cry.

"Oh my poor little mousey friend!" she wailed. "How could you do this?" She looked at Applejack through eyes soaked with tears. Bending low to the mouse, she whispered, "It's okay. I'm going to build you a nice little grave in the graveyard next to my cottage and always, always remember you." Gently, she picked up the mousetrap, her body still quaking with uncontrollable sobs.

"You uh, might want to take these as well then I reckon." Applejack stepped aside to reveal five more mousetraps, a dead mouse on each one. Fluttershy couldn't even speak upon seeing the atrocity that Applejack had committed, collapsing into a puddle of yellow fur and tears on Applejack's kitchen floor.

Applejack strode over to her and stroked Fluttershy's body in an awkward attempt to comfort her.

Pinkie Pie found herself at Golden Oak Library for no good reason at all. She knocked on the door. The moment Twilight opened it, Pinkie Pie zipped in and plopped herself down on the always sparkling wooden floor. "Hi Twilight!" said Pinkie. "Whatcha up to?"

"I was just doing a bit of reorganizing. You'd think that sorting books by alphabetical order would be helpful, but I've actually come up with a new method that—"

"Sounds interesting Twilight," Pinkie Pie interrupted as she absentmindedly picked up books at random, read a page or two, then tossed them to the floor.

"Pinkie! I spent an entire day sorting those yesterday!" Twilight grabbed Pinkie's forelegs and stationed them on the ground. "Why are you here anyways?"

"Y'know, that's a good question. I'm not sure." Her body shook with the force of an earthquake. She reached for the bookshelf again, but Twilight stepped in front of her.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. I mean, I don't know. I might be just the teensiest bit stressed out about this whole 'nutrition analyst' thing."

"What 'nutrition analyst' thing?"

"Apparently the desserts at Sugar Cube Corner are 'unnecessarily high in calories, saturated fat, sugar, and salt'."

"Who said that?"

"The government."

Spike walked down the stairs. "I mean, they're not wrong," he said. Pinkie Pie and Twilight both stared at him. "What? It's common sense. Don't tell me you think that a cupcake between two frosted donuts is healthy."

"Everything is fine in moderation Spike."

"You're at Sugar Cube Corner every day, Twilight."

"Don't be rude." Twilight glared at him angrily.

Pinkie Pie cleared her throat. "Anyways, I'm not sure what to do, because at first I was like 'nutrition schmutrition' and then I ate a crazy high stack of pancakes coated with half a bottle of syrup and then I baked this new desert, a cupcake inside a cake, like those little doll thingies but with cake and then, and then—"

"Just breathe, Pinkie," said Twilight.

"I'm worried that when ponies see the numbers they'll stop coming to Sugar Cube Corner."

"Don't worry Pinkie, Twilight will always be around," Spike said with a smug grin.

"You're a real riot, y'know?" said Twilight through gritted teeth. Turning her attention back to the matter at hoof, she offered a suggestion to Pinkie. "Some ponies who can't consume sugar use artificial sweeteners. Maybe you could use those in some of your desserts?"

Pinkie Pie tilted her head in confusion. "You mean, there's sugar that isn't real? How is that even possible?"

"I'm glad you asked Pinkie." A chalkboard appeared in front of them. "There are several different types of artificial sweeteners..." Spike rolled his eyes.

One lesson on artificial sweeteners later, Pinkie Pie thanked Twilight. "I can't believe that we can call our desserts 'zero sugar' if we use these! And that they'll taste exactly the same! Take that nutrition analyst!"

"I'm not sure they'll—" but before Twilight could finish, Pinkie was gone.

A beat of silence followed. "Uh, Twilight, you did tell Pinkie about the side effects of artificial sweeteners, right? Especially because she's probably going to go way overboard," said Spike, who proceeded to chomp on a gemstone he carried.

Twilight's eyes widened. "Ah sh—"

The day of the inspection had arrived. Applejack stood at the gates of Sweet Apple Acres awaiting the health professional who would be inspecting the farm and its products. In the distance, she spotted a carriage. This must be it.

The carriage pulled to a halt in front of the gates, and a mild-mannered mare with a yellow coat stepped out to greet Applejack. "Hi. You're..."

"Applejack." The mare wasn't local, as far as Applejack could tell.

"Yes, yes. It's a pleasure to meet you." Applejack loathed the fake smile on the mare's face. "My name is Daisy Shine and I'm here to inspect your farm to make sure that it's up to the new Ponyville health standards." Daisy Shine opened the satchel around her body and retrieved a clipboard and a packet of paper. "Lead the way."

Applejack led Daisy Shine onto the farm grounds. "As you can see, Sweet Apple Acres provides Ponyville with, well, apples mostly. We always make sure that they're washed nice n' clean before we send em' off to markets here and elsewhere. Every last fleck of dirt scrubbed off, yep!" Daisy Shine looked around, inspecting even the smallest bits of dirt.

Together, they went into the house, the kitchen fully cleaned by the rest of the Apple family. "This is where we cook our baked goods. Got an uh... oven. And a sink. And uh... the fridge is over there. Everything a kitchen should have."

"What temperature do you run your refrigerator at?"

"Huh?"

"What temperature do you run your refrigerator at?"

Fridges run at different temperatures? thought Applejack, who began to sweat.

From the doorway to the common area, Big Mac spoke. "Fridge runs at a crisp 37 degrees ma'am."

"Excellent," replied Daisy Shine in a monotone voice as she scribbled on the paper clipped to the clipboard. She opened the fridge and peered inside. There wasn't much to see besides fruits and vegetables. More scribbles on the clipboard. "Your kitchen is free of rodents, and roaches, I assume?"

"Yes," replied Applejack.

Daisy Shine pulled a magnifying glass out of her satchel and inspected the stovetop above the oven. "Mhmm... gas range, thirty inches. Free of debris," she muttered to herself.

This process repeated itself for half an hour while Applejack stood around awkwardly. At last, after Daisy had finished inspecting the pot for coffee, something Sweet Apple Acres didn't even sell, Daisy returned the pencil she was holding to her satchel.

"Everything looks acceptable Applejack. You're cleared to sell apples and pastries to residents of Ponyville." She reached out and shook Applejack's hoof. "I'll be off then. Have two more inspections to do today. Hopefully the Hay Burger has its act together." On the way out of Applejack's kitchen she mouthed, "It doesn't." That was the most life Applejack had seen out of the mare all day. With a sigh of relief, she leaned her dirty hooves against the kitchen counter and rested her head.

The morning after the nutritional analyst finished his work, Pinkie Pie taped one sheet of paper onto the front window, and another to the counter. Squeezing so many numbers onto one sheet of paper was hard, especially because some of the numbers were very, very large, as noted by the nutritional analyst who, according to Pinkie, had no soul. "These are without a doubt some of the highest number's we've ever analyzed at this lab," he'd written in his response letter following the analysis.

It didn't matter, because Sugar Cube Corner was also offering sugar free alternatives to the normal menu items. The sugar free mile high cupcake was sure to be a success, as was the sugar free campfire cookie cake! Pinkie Pie was so excited about these new menu items that she had even created a super huge sign to advertise them.

An hour after Sugar Cube Corner opened, the crowd was larger than any Pinkie Pie had ever seen. Ponies continued to ask about the sugar free desserts, and, after tasting them, marveled at how delicious they tasted.

Pinkie Pie walked back to the kitchen, where Mrs. Cake held a mixer in one hoof and a spoon in the other. "If I had a third hoof, I'd be holding measuring cups too," she joked.

"Let me help," said Pinkie Pie. "You can go take care of the customers while I finish these up for you."

"That would be wonderful Pinkie. Thanks." Mrs. Cake trotted out to the counter, where the line of ponies had grown even longer.

"Shut up and take my bits!" said one pony, extending a hoof full of bits over the counter.

Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie finished baking all of the desserts at a record pace. She looked down at her hoof, around which there was now a wristwatch. "1.62 seconds. Wow. That's fast, even for me."

Business was as usual at Sweet Apple Acres. Daisy Shine approved the conditions of the farm with the dispassionate interest only a health inspector could muster. Now, Applejack and Applebloom stood in the kitchen together, baking desserts for an upcoming catering event. Every apple was hoof washed and inspected for earthworms or dirt.

"This is boring Applejack. Can't we do what we usually do and just cut em' up without all the washin'?"

"We're supposed to clean all of our apples now, even if it means doin' more work." Applebloom sighed as she reached for another apple and ran it under the water flow of the sink. Absentmindedly, she rubbed out a large spot of dirt, revealing the crisp red skin underneath. She reached up to scratch her head.

"And these hairnets are itchy," Applebloom complained, continuing to rub her head.

"Sorry sugarcube, but we have to wear them."

Granny Smith walked into the kitchen. When she saw Applejack and Applebloom, she started laughing. "What in the wide world are you two wearing?" she said in between fits of laughter.

"If you want to help, you have to put one on. You never know who might report us to the new department."

"What's gotten into you Applejack? I really thought that you of all people would be adamant about stickin' to the old family ways." Granny Smith placed a hoof on Applejack's orange coat.

"That's not an option when the government threatens to shut down your farm."

"Applejack, did I ever tell you about Ponyville's founding? The political chaos of it all? I was there y'know."

Applejack sighed. "For the last time Granny, you weren't there. You aren't that old."

"Who are you to tell me how old I am!" Granny Smith banged a hoof against the stovetop.

"It doesn't matter. We're doing apples the new way whether you like it or not," said Applejack, raising her voice. "Put on a hairnet or get out!" Granny Smith promptly turned around and stomped out with as much force as her frail old bones were capable of.

"Are you... okay?" Applebloom had stopped washing apples amidst the commotion, and now stared at a teary-eyed Applejack. Her sister rarely cried.

"I'm sorry. The new changes are mighty stressful and difficult to get used to. But I'd hate to lose the farm even more than conforming to the rules of this new department."

"I know Applejack. I know."

Granny Smith's voice carried from common area into the kitchen. "Did I ever tell you about the dinosaurs Big Mac? I saw them with my own eyes!" Applejack and Applebloom both smiled and rolled their eyes.

"This is really embarrassing, but I need to use your upstairs bathroom." Rainbow Dash zipped up the staircase, a rainbow blur.

"Hey! How come the rainbow mare gets to use the special bathroom? Can't wait in line like the rest of us?" The line for the restroom at Sugar Cube Corner was excessively long. So was the line at the counter. The sugar free desserts were bringing in an astounding amount of business.

A middle-aged mare approached the counter. "I'm so glad that your offering these desserts. I have a condition, y'know, and it's been so long since I've been able to enjoy a Sugar Cube Corner treat."

"Not sure that's the best idea ma'am, lest you want to wait in this line too," shouted a stallion from the restroom line.

The mare looked at Pinkie for a moment, then at the line. "I'll take my chances," she said, smiling. Pinkie Pie shoved a tall cupcake over the counter. The line, which was growing longer by the minute, dissuaded some customers from ordering the sugar free desserts.

"On second thought, I'll take the cupcake sandwich," said a rather large stallion. "Oh, and can I get extra sprinkles on the donuts?"

Another customer, a socialite and his marefriend. "Actually madam, I think I would much rather have an affogato. Two spoons. A normal one for me and a sample size one for the lady." The marefriend glared at him.

"He was just kidding," she said, kicking him in the shin.

He winced. "Haha yes, a timeless practical joke," The stallion, with his intricately gelled mane, let out a forced laugh. He mouthed the words "small spoon" to Pinkie as the couple moved to the right side of the counter, where they waited for Mrs. Cake to prepare the coffee and ice cream mixture.

Rainbow Dash whistled as she trotted down the staircase. "Cleaned up best I could, Pinkie, but y'know me, cleaning isn't really my style." She stopped when she saw the line for the bathroom. "Whoa. Is it just me, or did the line double in size while I was upstairs?"

"I know!" replied Pinkie Pie. "I wonder what it could be?" She froze. "Oh no. Am I making everypony sick again?"

Rainbow Dash shook her head. "Anyways Pinkie, it's been real, but I should get started on my afternoon training session. Thanks again for the cupcake." She clapped Pinkie on the back with her hoof. "These sugar free desserts 'll fit right into my training diet."

Applejack and Applebloom placed the last pie on the table. "These look great! Thanks again Applejack. You sure you don't want to stay and mingle for a bit?" said a yellow mare with a curly orange mane.

"Ah, why not," replied Applejack. "Fine picnic you got goin' on here Golden Harvest. Mind telling me what the occasion is?"

"Family reunion. You know how it is." Golden Harvest let out an airy giggle. "My family always requests Sweet Apple Acres desserts when I host." She turned to the ponies scattered on the hillside. "Pies are here!" A stampede of ponies rushed towards the table, kicking up large amounts of grass and dirt.

Mere moments later, the pies were replaced by empty pie tins as Golden Harvest's relatives sat back down on the hill to enjoy the sweet, crusty desert.

An older stallion near Applejack chewed on a bite, rolling it back and forth on his tongue. "Doesn't quite taste as good as I remember it." He turned to face Applejack. "Last time I had Sweet Apple Acres pie, it had a real nice texture. Little gritty, little earthy. This—" He gestured to the pie. "This just tastes too... commercial."

Commercial? thought Applejack. Soon ponies all around were commenting about the pie.

"It's so clean tasting. So unlike the Sweet Apple Acres I remember," said a mare.

"Doesn't quite have the right mouthfeel," said a younger stallion wearing finer clothing than most of the ponies at the reunion.

"Where's the love man? Where's the love?" said a bulky bearded stallion.

All of the ponies at the reunion slowly began to encircle Applejack, asking her why her pie was not as good as they remembered it.

"Listen here y'all, we're just complying with the new health standards."

"Well those standards are stupid!" The ponies surrounding Applejack were becoming increasingly angry.

"Let's take this to town hall!"

"Yeah!" said the crowd. The mob of ponies, many of whom were not even residents of Ponyville, just here for the reunion, dispersed in different directions.

"I think town hall is this way. Or maybe this way?" Applejack looked at Golden Harvest, who shrugged.

"They'll get there eventually," she said.

"Why did you do this?" An erratic mare grabbed Pinkie Pie by the shoulders and shook her violently. "Are you trying to poison us?"

"Poison you? Why would I try to do that? I added the sugar free desserts because Sugar Cube Corner has to post nutritional information now."

"What?"

"You didn't see the sheet of paper on the window? Or the one right here?" Pinkie Pie held out the small sheet of letter paper.

"No! All I saw was the giant banner that said 'SUGAR FREE'. This paper is so small you'd never see it! Give me that." The mare skimmed the paper, absorbing all of the two, three, four, even five digit numbers. Upon finishing, she shoved the paper back onto the counter and looked at Pinkie Pie, who shrugged.

"We have to publish nutritional information. Required by the new department of food safety."

A stallion who saw the exchange rushed over to take a look at the sheet of nutritional information. Soon many of the ponies in Sugar Cube Corner were again clamoring around the register, trying to get a look.

"I don't need to see this every time I walk in here! Can't you take it down?" said a stallion.

"My eyes! My eyes!" said another.

"Y'know what we need to do everypony? We need to take this to town hall!" shouted a blue pegasus mare, who was standing on top of boxes that had been delivered earlier, boxes containing more of the artificial sweeteners that made the sugar free desserts possible. The mare procured a megaphone, and continued her speech. "Who cares about 'nutritional information'? This is Ponyville! Here's what I think of this zero sugar stuff!" The mare stomped on the box, then kicked it a few times. "Let us enjoy desserts without feeling guilty!" She stomped once more for good measure. "Let's move!" she shouted, throwing a hoof over her head.

"YEAH!" shouted the riled up crowd of ponies. A stallion smashed one of the boxes, saying "I wasted two hours of my day in the bathroom because of this stuff! Not worth it!"

A few moments later, Sugar Cube Corner was empty for the first time that day, an eerie silence in the air. Twilight wandered in through the doorway, looking around at the interior, which had been slightly "redecorated" by the Sugar Cube Corner customers. Spike followed behind her. "What happened here? I was going to warn you earlier but I lost track of time while organizing my notebooks and planners."

"Oh y'know, a mob is on it's way to town hall because ponies don't want to see calorie counts for my desert items. That and my sugar free desserts may have caused ponies stomach issues. Oh well, more for me!" Pinkie Pie ran a hoof through some of the artificial sweetener that had fallen on the ground and licked it.

"That's... gross," said Spike.

The door to the bathroom opened, and a mare trotted out. "What'd I miss?" she said. Twilight, Pinkie, and Spike looked at her.

"Mob at town hall," said Spike dryly. "Get your pitchfork if you have one."

"Sweet! Been waiting for something like this to happen." The mare dug around behind one of the walls next to the bathroom and procured an oversized pitchfork. With a hearty yell, she ran out the door.

Spike wandered over to the counter and looked at the sheet of paper containing the nutrition information. "Sweet Celestia," he muttered. "No wonder ponies don't want to see this."

"See what?" asked Twilight.

"Nothing," said Spike. He blew on the paper and it erupted in flames before Twilight could read it.

"Let's go see what's happening at town hall then," said Twilight. The three of them walked out of Sugar Cube Corner and into the evening glow of Ponyville.

"Now now, calm down everypony," said Mayor Mare, who stood outside the doors of town hall. All around her, ponies were shouting. "The department of food safety was opened to ensure the health of Ponyville ponies."

"We don't care!" came a voice from the crowd. A chorus of agreement followed. Mayor Mare was joined by Filthy Rich, who was visibly angry, his thick eyebrows tilted down in a furious scowl.

"You don't care?" he shouted. "You don't care that Sweet Apple Acres serves pies full of dirt and grime? That Sugar Cube Corner sells desserts with ten thousand calories? More sugar than the average pony should consume in a month? That some of the produce from your farmer's market, our farmer's market, is coated with vermin germs?"

"Not really, no." A mare's voice this time.

"Go and eat your organic kale or something! We want our food back!" shouted another voice. The mob quickly converged on Filthy Rich, whose scowl dissolved into an expression more akin to fear.

On the outskirts of the town hall grounds, Applejack spotted Pinkie Pie. "Can you believe this?" she said as she approached.

"Well duh, Applejack. This is Ponyville!" Pinkie Pie extended a hoof bearing one of the leftover campfire cookie cakes. "A snack while we watch?"

"Well uh—" Pinkie Pie grabbed Applejack's shoulders and gestured loosely to the left.

"And if you need the restroom, which you maybe definitely might, the closest one is that 'a way."

"Actually, I'm okay."

"Suit yourself!"

Down at town hall, Filthy Rich was pressed against the polished once daily glass of the town hall building, staring at furious ponies, some of whom were bearing comically oversized torches and pitchforks. "Now now, I'm sure we can settle this if everypony calms down," he said nervously. He looked to Mayor Mare, his eyes expressing a desperate plea for help.

"Please step back everypony!" she shouted. "I have something to admit." The crowd quieted and ears were directed towards Mayor Mare. "Ponyville is out of money."

At this announcement, ponies went berserk.

"That didn't help at all!" Filthy Rich yelled through the chaos before another stallion punched him in the face with a smooth uppercut.

From a distance, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight (and Spike), watched as ponies ran about destroying town hall and its surroundings.

"I reckon this is the part where we intervene?" said Applejack.

"I love this part!" said Pinkie Pie. "What are we going to do Twilight?"

"Me? Why is it always my job to come up with a plan?"

"Because you're smarter than the rest of us?"

Twilight stroked her chin as she considered possible solutions to the problem. Applejack assumed the same position.

"Aha!" Applejack exclaimed after a few moments. "Pinkie Pie, put on your party hat because we are about to host a potluck the likes of which Ponyville's never seen!"

"Already wearing it Applejack." Pinkie Pie sported a cute polka dot cone atop her head. "LET'S PARTY!"

"I'll round up everypony while you get the balloons and Equestria famous desserts." Applejack and Pinkie Pie dashed in opposite directions on a mission to stop the riot.

Twilight still had a hoof to her chin. "Let's see... carry the one, multiply by sixteen..." Spike tapped her and she exited her trance. Realizing that the other two ponies had left, she frowned, disappointed.

An hour later, town hall was a smoldering pile of rubble, but nonetheless festive as ever. Multicolored balloons were scattered about and streamers hung from the foundation of the building that was still standing. Dozens of tables stood in the surrounding area, stacked with the decadent desserts only Pinkie Pie was capable of baking. Together, Applejack and Pinkie stood at the highest point of the debris, on what appeared to be Mayor Mare's desk. "You ready Pinkie?"

"Yep. Got the megaphone right here." The megaphone truly put the mega in megaphone. Twice the size of a normal pony, it was a surefire way to ensure that everypony in Ponyville heard their message.

Applejack raised the megaphone and spoke to the crowd surrounding them. "Citizens of Ponyville! We are Applejack of Sweet Apple Acres and Pinkie Pie of Sugar Cube Corner, though you probably already know that. As two of the most notable food vendors in this town, we are here to say that Filthy Rich and his money will not change the way we do food!" Cheers erupted from all sides. "To celebrate Ponyville's rich culinary history, we have prepared tables with some desserts. This is where y'all come in. Have a favorite recipe? Bring it here to share with everypony."

Soon after, Pinkie's desserts were joined by all sorts of interesting foods of many different flavors as ponies ate and mingled. Mayor Mare approached Pinkie Pie and Applejack. "Leave it to you two to save Ponyville."

"Is Ponyville really out of money?" Applejack blurted out.

"I'm afraid so. All of your parties left a budget deficit that I couldn't find a way out of," said Mayor Mare, turning to Pinkie.

Pinkie Pie opened her mouth, prepared to say something. Closed it. Opened it again. A pause. "It's true. I have been asking a teensy bit too much from you lately. I think it's time for me to ask what I can do for you. I have so many ideas, most of them involving a party, but still..." The three of them laughed as they made their way towards one of the tables to taste the many flavors of Ponyville.

Filthy Rich pushed aside a heavy block of concrete, then leaned back, resigned as he watched ponies eat foods that were in direct opposition to the department of food safety's agenda.

On the other side of the town hall grounds, Diamond Tiara put her head down as she approached one of the tables. Quietly, she reached a hoof over the top and touched the sticky frosting of a cupcake donut sandwich. "Finally," she whispered as she took a bite, savoring the sweet desert.

"Diamond Tiara?" Diamond Tiara tossed the desert away immediately upon hearing Scootaloo's voice. The Cutie Mark Crusaders stared at her, then smiled. "We knew you'd come around eventually."

Author's Note

This is my first serious attempt at humor. I had a blast writing this one, even if it took me a bit longer than usual.

As always, I welcome any suggestions or feedback that you have. The more specific, the better. It helps me grow as a writer and create better stories for both myself and everyone else.