Anon Drives Into Ponyville
Anon Drives Into Ponyville
The message popped up on the screen.
"So, are we really doing this today?" the text read.
Anon pondered what his response should be. Actually meeting a friend that you role-played with online was a hard thing to imagine. Part of him thought he would most definitely regret it, as he didn't have many friends. He might lose another. Though, what could he do to weird this person out, really? She role-played as an intelligent, talking pony online; surely she could handle him. If anything he should be worried about them. It was peculiar, not once did she ever break character. It even made him a little curious. What would she actually be like when not behind a screen? She'd have a dick, he thought. It didn't matter, though. He wanted a friend, not a partner.
Anon typed out a message. Maybe he shouldn't make such a hasty move this early in the morning. No, he could handle it. She'd already asked a couple times, best to get it over with. Apparently she didn't live too far away, either, considering she could be there at—in her own words—"any time". A bit creepy, but what's the worst that could happen? He has a gun. If she tries to rape him, or something, he can just blow her head off. Maybe. Eh, he didn't want to think about it too much. He pressed the enter key. Message sent.
Twilight Sparkle laid in her bed with a laptop on her belly, waiting for a response to her text message. She had been working on cross dimensional communication for months, never imagining she could get it up and running; maybe she got a bit too excited when she did. Her curiosity had really gotten to her this time. Humans? Cars? Minimum wage? It was all so interesting, so alien.
She didn't just talk to him to learn of his world, though. His casual disposition made him a comfortable friend to talk with. She felt like—partly because he was so far away, and effectively intangible—she could share anything with him. That wasn't always a good thing, though. One time she asked what his dick looked like; for the research, of course. They had to be massive, right? He said humans were huge, and she just had to know. She shuddered. She knew after that she had to keep herself in check. Slow down and remember that she's really conversing with somepony. Someone.
On some nights, when she couldn't get her thoughts together or when something was deeply troubling her, she would talk to him. He was always glad to help. He seemed so trustworthy, that's why she would eventually share her findings with the princess, who would later give her blessing to bring this new friend to their world on the condition that he accepts the terms as well. She didn't show it to the princess, but in private she was bouncing off the walls. So much to learn.
A chirp came from her laptop, and she lifted her head up to look at the screen.
"yea lets do it at ur place tho," the message said. She read it slowly, and mouthed the words "ur" and "tho," quickly recalling their meanings. When she finished reading, her eyes lit up. Giving herself over to the excitement, she rolled around in her bed, letting her laptop fall off of her. She threw her legs about in a wild fashion, and giggled happily.
She composed herself. There was so much to prepare. It had to be public, she knew that for certain. She had the spell ready, but what about the event? She could get Pinkie to whip up a welcome party in no time. But where, though? She's got it! Town Square. Can't tell everyone it's an ape from another planet, though; they'll go nuts. She'll figure it out. It's all gonna turn out perfectly. She started typing with her magic.
"Give me a couple of hours, I have to get everything ready. I will send the portal out when it is time." She sent the message.
"k," Anon's response read.
"Portal? Yeah, maybe this guy is batshit," Anon said to himself. He got up and scratched his ass through his underwear. Maybe he was better off with no friends. An hour? It was 7 AM, he had to get to work. Oh shit, he had to get to work. Anon sprinted to the shower, and quickly hopped in. The cold water stabbed his skin like thousands of little needles, and he let out a manly screech.
After the shower, he hopped around in his half-buttoned shirt, trying to get his leg through the other hole in his pants. While doing so he crashed into the wall, and fell over. Guess if he didn't have time for coffee, blunt trauma to the head would have to do.
Anon straightened his tie, checking himself out in the mirror. He grabbed a comb and went to use it, before realizing he had no hair. Why did he have a comb anyway? He tossed it away, and shoved his phone into his back pocket. Keys? Pocket. Wallet? Empty. Gun? Loaded. All good. He ran out of his apartment and slammed the door behind him.
He dashed out of the apartment building, and down the stairs, and remotely unlocked his car. He tried to vault the hood—probably because of that concussion—and busted his ass on the asphalt. Eh, it was probably the asphalt's fault for his ass vault. He hit the leather seat of his car, and shut the door.
Everyone in Ponyville was there. Pinkie had crafted a wonderful setup. There was a giant banner that read "WELCOME" hanging on Town Hall. Balloons were attached to basically everything, and they even had little happy faces drawn on them. Several confetti cannons were ready to blow at any time. The Cakes brought their treats, and the Apple family brought theirs. Desserts and snacks were spread out on the many tables that littered the field.
Twilight was preparing the ritual. Teleportation across dimensions is pretty difficult, teleporting someone you don't have physical contact with—and can't see—is much harder. Everything had to be perfect.
"Alright," Twilight said, "I need everypony to stand at least thirty feet away. I don't know exactly how big the portal is going to be."
All the ponies stood back, forming a circle around the symbols that Twilight had constructed on the ground. Most of them were a little scared of what would come out once the portal was summoned, nonetheless they watched curiously. Pinkie was the only one ecstatic about the situation, showing her excitement with a huge grin on her face. Fluttershy hid under a table, peeking out from the cloth that was laid over it. The rest of Twilight's close friends had faith that she knew what she was doing. She wouldn't bring an alien here if she didn't know what its intentions were.
Twilight braced herself as her horn lit up with magic. The symbols drawn on the grassy field began to glow with a purple hum. She brought the image of Anon into her mind. His weird, blank, green face. His shiny bald head. His dick pic. Fuck, not his dick pic.
A spark of light formed in the middle of the symbols, and it began to float upwards. It stopped about five feet off the ground, and flickered for a second, then it instantly grew out into an amorphous field of magic.
A red light. Of course there was a fucking red light. Anon huffed, and leaned forward, and let his head fall onto the steering wheel. He thought he had it all right, for once. His alarm even woke him up this time. What went wrong? Internet, probably. It's always the internet. Maybe he should quit that. Delete his twitter account, that's a good idea.
The sound of a motorcycle halted his brooding. He peeked over to the lane on his left. A man with a huge, grey beard was staring right at him. The biker revved his engine up multiple times, and gave Anon a huge, toothy smile. Anon knew what he wasn't, and he wasn't no bitch. He sat up in his seat, and set his foot on the gas pedal, revving his own engine. If he was gonna be late, he'd better have fun doing it.
Anon set his eyes to the traffic light and waited. A few tense seconds go by. He feels his car's vibrations as his hands tighten around the steering wheel. Green light. He stomped as hard as he could on the gas pedal and tore down the road. His speed kept increasing. 50 mph. 80 mph. 120 mph.
A giant portal opened up in the middle of the street. Anon screamed as he flew through it. The bright, cartoony world blinded him temporarily. Huge booms went off in his ears. He thought he was in a war zone. He blew right through a purple unicorn, and she slid right off his windshield a bloody, broken mess.
"WHAT THE FU—" Anon cut himself off with an ear-piercing scream as he ripped through a crowd of pastel ponies, themselves screaming as they hit the hood of his car. Even Mrs. Cake's fat ass couldn't stop the vehicle. His confusion reached a peak when he drove through tables, and cakes, and balloons. All the ponies were thrown into a panic, sprinting in random directions as fast as they could. Buildings started to catch fire for no apparent reason. He saw a smaller, orange pony with purple hair staring right at him as he drove towards it. He felt it get flattened by one of his tires. He looked in the rear view mirror and saw a giant smear of red trail the ground behind him.
Anon turned the wheel in a panic, and tore through several homes. A blue pegasus with a rainbow mane held on to the driver side door with all her strength, and tore it open.
"YOU KILLED MY FRIENDS, YOU MONSTER," Rainbow screamed.
Anon hollered like he got a bucket of ice water poured on his dick and balls, and ripped the gun out of his holster, and blew her head off. Her blood caked him, and hit him right in the eyes, blinding him. He started firing wildly, in random directions. Finally he slammed into a giant oak tree, and flew through his windshield. His neck snapped as his body hit the tree trunk.
Princess Celestia was being flown to Ponyville, and she was nearly there. That precious pupil of hers wanted to show her something. Frankly, she skimmed the letter that was sent, but supposedly it was an exciting development. She really needed a break from all the courts, and the paperwork. The damn paperwork. So much boredom, and stress.
She sipped her tea as she looked over the side of the carriage. She saw Ponyville's Town Hall below. She leaned over the carriage further and projectile spit her tea out in a stream of hot brown as if she were a super soaker. Absolute carnage was taking place just fifty or so feet below her. Buildings were burning, blood painted the once green grass. She looked over to the two pegasi piloting the carriage.
"Perhaps a detour is in order," she said.
