The Less Clever One

by Mockingbirb

Rating: teen
Tags: Starlight Glimmer, Adventure, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Narcotics, Other, Drama, Comedy
Length: 2414

In this heist story, Starlight Glimmer gets her hooves on someone else's idea and runs with it.

In this heist story, Starlight Glimmer gets her hooves on someone else's idea and runs with it.

This story is not a parody of Winston's "The Clever One." This story is a parody of writing a parody of Winston's "The Clever One." Totally different concept.

Published 2021-03-15 02:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-03-15 02:30:00 UTC

Starlight Stumbles Upon an Idea

Pinkie Pie's eyes wiggled back and forth. "Ooh!" Pinkie told Starlight Glimmer. "That's my Swipey Sense. You'd better watch out for criminals."

Starlight Glimmer scratched herself nervously. "Criminals? Where?" The former cult leader looked back and forth with shifty eyes, like she was a criminal herself. "No criminals here!"

Pinkie Pie laughed. "You should watch out, just in case."

Starlight Glimmer hated Pinkie Sense so much.

It all started the day before, when Starlight Glimmer met Pinkie Pie on a bridge. Starlight was tossing tenth-bits into the stream for luck.

Pinkie walked up and asked, "Starlight, why are you throwing money away?"

Even after Starlight explained, Pinkie was skeptical. "I don't think that really works. And if you hit a fish on the head, that doesn't seem lucky at all for the fish. I don't think you should do that."

Starlight said, "But what about Pinkie Sense? I thought you believed in superstitions."

Pinkie blew a big, wet raspberry, drenching Starlight. "I only really, truly believe in things that work. Pinkie Sense really works, and giving fish concussions doesn't."

"Ha! I think you're wrong. Can you PROVE Pinkie Sense works?"

Pinkie went into a set of convulsions, falling over and flopping back and forth across the bridge. After a minute, she shook her head, making funny noises like "PLB-PLB-PLLBABABAB" with her lips and tongue.

Starlight bent over the pink pony. "Are you ok? What was that? Should I call an ambulance?"

Pinkie said, "That was Pinkie Sense. It warned me about a source of great magical power. Like, greater than an alicorn. You should be very careful, Starlight, because we're all in great danger."

Starlight Glimmer rubbed her chin. "Great danger, huh? Or great power?"

"Oh, they're the same thing. Haven't you noticed by now that Princess Celestia is always having to ask Twilight to save Equestria from some terrible disaster? And so often, some evil villain comes to get Celestia or Luna or Cadence, and they usually try to capture Twilight for dessert? That's because alicorns are so powerful. And power causes danger."

"Hmm. You really believe that?"

"Sure do! That's why I never even vote in local elections. If I keep myself completely powerless, I should be safe!"

Starlight thought about how the day before the most recent election, some of the voters who didn't like Mayor Mare were mysteriously kidnapped, and didn't escape until two days later. "I guess you could be right, Pinkie. But tell me more about this source of great magical power. So I can be careful to stay away from it and be safe."

Pinkie rolled over on her back. Her big blue eyes looked up at the unicorn. "From some of the wiggles partway through, I think it arrives later today, or tomorrow morning. And I think my nineteenth through thirty-fifth quivers mean it arrives wrapped in brown paper, with stickers on the outside." Pinkie frowned. "You should warn Twilight Sparkle too, since you live in a room of her castle now."

"I'll be sure to remember I should do that!" Starlight said with a big smile. "Now can you be any more specific about where this source of great magical power is supposed to arrive today or tomorrow morning? I have to make sure I avoid it!"

"I think it's coming to the Castle of Friendship. That's why it's so important to warn Twilight! Because otherwise something terrible could happen."

"I should run to the castle right now, to tell her!"

Pinkie watched Starlight Glimmer run away. "Wow. That pony is such a good friend."

As Starlight Glimmer approached the castle, she saw a gray mare wearing a brown uniform.

"Hello, Derpy. Do you have a package? Wrapped in brown paper, with stickers on the outside?"

Derpy's mouth pulled a brown package out of her saddlebags. "I do! Addressed to Twilight Sparkle. How did you know?"

"I've been expecting one. So you can hoof it over to me now. I'll take care of it."

"Thanks, Starlight." Derpy tossed the package to Starlight, who caught it with her telekinetic hornglow.

"Think nothing of it."

As Derpy left, Starlight Glimmer thought about what to do with the package. A mysterious source of "great magical power" tempted her so much. Starlight wanted to open the package and peek inside.

If Starlight wanted to keep the package for herself, having Twilight see her with it would be a problem. But if Starlight carried the package somewhere else in Ponyville, that might mean other witnesses.

Not for the first time, Starlight regretted having temporarily stopped trying to take over Equestria. If only her Cutie-Free Cult had taken over the world, Starlight would be the government, and anything she did would be legal by definition.

Being a criminal who had to hide what she was doing was so annoying. But Starlight Glimmer was clever and resourceful. She could find a way! She could find a place where nopony would see her!

That's why two hours later, Starlight Glimmer was hungry, dirty, scratched up by thorns, and completely lost somewhere in the Everfree Forest. At least she thought she was somewhere in the Everfree. But because she was lost, she wasn't quite sure.

Starlight shrugged. "Well, if this is so powerful and dangerous that it explodes, at least it's out of Ponyville now. And Fluttershy isn't here to see what happens to her forest friends if it eats them all." Starlight ripped through the wrapping paper. She tore into the cardboard box, and dumped out the contents.

"You've got to be kidding me. A bucking lamp?"

Starlight sighed. Maybe somepony was playing a prank on her. Maybe Pinkie sent the lamp to Twilight, and ran into Starlight on purpose, and faked her convulsions just so she could trick Starlight into stealing an old piece of junk. And tricked Starlight into getting lost in the Everfree Forest?

"No," Starlight told herself. "That kind of plan is something YOU would do, while trying to take over Equestria or brainwash ponies into being your friends. This is just Pinkie Pie. She wouldn't have wanted me to get lost in the Everfree Forest and starve to death while being eaten by timberwolves. And this next idea of mine probably won't work."

Starlight rubbed the dirty old lamp. Purple smoke came out the tip, and congealed in the air into a beautiful flying mare.

"Huh," Starlight said. "I had no idea lamp genies were pegasi. I always assumed unicorns or alicorns, because of the wish granting magic."

The pegasus blew rings of purple smoke out her nose. "Do not make assumptions, little pony. My name is Serhoofina, and I am contractually obligated to pretend to be grateful to you for freeing me from my lamp, and to offer you three wishes."

"Aha!" Starlight said. "That's the prank!"

"Excuse me?"

Starlight smiled proudly. "Everypony knows lamp genies are very, very tricky. Ponies wish for something, and the wish turns out to be a bad idea that lets the genie do something the pony would never, ever want. So I already know my first wish!"

"You do? Based on that logic?"

"I sure do! I have an idea to keep me safe from my own mistakes. I wish that my stupidest wish go to somecreature else instead of to me. To somecreature else so far away that their stupid wish can't possibly harm me! Ha!"

The pegasus gave Starlight an "are you bucking kidding me?" look. She said, "As you wish, my little pony."

The pegasus vanished into thin air.

In a faraway universe, on a planet named "Dirt," a local ape tikka-tikked at a computer input device with its apefingers. The ape looked at a computer network site where apes posted stories they'd written and competed to get into something called the "Pander Box."

"I just wish I had an idea for writing a story good enough to get into the Pandular Stories Box!"

Above the ape's left shoulder, a flying horse appeared. "Hello?" she said.

"AAAAAAAA!" the ape screamed.

"Don't be afraid. You wished for an idea, and I'm here to grant your wish." The pegasus pointed at a computer screen. "Do you recognize this story?"

"Sure. It was a good story, by someape named Winningston. He's a really good writer. I could never write a story that good."

"Look more closely, my little ape."

"Huh. This story isn't by Winningston. It's by someone else. I just mistook it because it has the same cover picture."

"Now you understand. Does that give you an idea for getting into the Pander Box?"

"Sure! All I have to do is write a sequel to someone else's story, probably without asking permission, and use the exact same cover art, and I'm bound to have the most popular story ever!"

The pegasus frowned. "That's probably not the best idea. Don't you know that creatures who write sequels without asking permission are the worst creatures in the world? That's even worse than--"

But as the pegasus tried to scold the ape, the wish for an idea (not necessarily a good idea) had already been granted. The pegasus found herself already back in the Everfree Forest, floating in front of that Starlight Glimmer creature who had stolen the lamp.

Starlight demanded, "So? Did it work?"

The pegasus sighed. "I guess so. The creature did have a stupid wish for a stupid idea, and they got their stupid idea. And they're so far away, I don't think it could ever affect you here, not in a million years."

"Great!" Starlight said. "Now only two wishes to go."

The pegasus shook her head in doubt. "Is there really nothing you want? Are you just going to assume all your wishes will be stupid, and then wish for stupidity to prove the point?"

"Why not? It's worked so far!"

"Isn't there anything you've ever wanted so much, you would do anything for it?"

"When I thought it would make me more powerful than an alicorn, I wanted to steal this lamp. And look where it got me. Lost in the Everfree Forest."

"I'll tell you what. I'll give you a freebie. The one wish you gave away? It'll be like that never happened. That way if you make some terrible mistake, you'll have a wish to undo it. No, two wishes to undo it. We both know you're a clever mare, Starlight. You can handle it. We both know you can."

Starlight rubbed her chin. "Oh, why not. It's a deal!"

In a faraway universe, a computer crashed, wiping out all of the ape's twenty minutes of hard work. "No!" the ape shouted. "It's all gone. I give up. I'm going to take up drinking and depression as a hobby instead. And I'll give myself a new username."

Starlight's tummy rumbled with hunger. "Oh! I don't want to be lost in the Everfree Forest!"

Now Starlight imagined the genie might dump Starlight into some terrible place that wasn't the Everfree. Maybe being eaten by bears in Tartarus? Or was there someplace worse than that?

"No!" Starlight screamed. "That's not my wish. I want to be back in Ponyville, and not being eaten by bears!"

"Granted!" Serhoofina said. "Back in Ponyville. And not being eaten by bears. That second part was an easy one, so I gave it to you at a discount, for only half a wish. So you have one and a half wishes left. What do you want next?"

Starlight sat next to the Castle of Friendship, with a stolen lamp on the ground in front of her, pieces of wrapping paper and cardboard scattered all about, and a purple wish-granting pegasus flying circles around her. A purple alicorn walked out the castle's front door and glared at the unicorn. "Starlight! Do you know what happened to my package?"

"Wait!" Pinkie said nearby. "I have to tell Starlight something important first!" Pinkie told Starlight about the latest Pinkie Sense warning: there might be a criminal somewhere nearby!

"Thank you, Pinkie." Starlight hated Pinkie Sense so much. If it wasn't for Pinkie Sense, Starlight might not have had this stupid idea to steal the lamp in the first place.

Twilight said, "Thank you for that very relevant warning, Pinkie." Twilight glared at Starlight Glimmer. "I'll ask you again. Do you have any idea what happened to my lamp? The lamp with a genie who gives three wishes?"

"Ooh!" Pinkie said. "One of those kinds of lamps, huh? Sounds risky."

Starlight looked around at her situation. This is the kind of danger that comes with great power, she thought. "I have an idea! Twilight, bear with me here. Lamp genies are very dangerous, because they interpret wishes in ways that you probably never wanted. But I can fix that! And it will be a great way for me to show I'm sorry for stealing your lamp."

Starlight faced the lamp genie. "One last wish! Or maybe it's a wish and a half. I want you and me to change places, leaving me as a powerful genie in the lamp, and you a regular pony who's all out of wishes."

"What?" the pegasus said. "That's completely unfair. That's worse than wishing for infinite wishes. It's a LOT worse than that, because wishing for infinite wishes just gives me so many chances to mess with you, so if that was your wish, I could do anything I like to you sooner or later. Unfair! Unfairrrrr! I don't even know how to live as a pegasus who doesn't have any magic!"

Starlight Glimmer found herself inside a battered, tarnished chamber of brass. After a moment, her chamber was jostled and tipped, rolling Starlight towards one side. Instinctively, without thinking about it, Starlight rose into the air. She craned her neck around to look at her own body and her pegasus style wings.

Something rubbed the outside of the chamber, further jostling the pony inside.

Starlight flew through a long spout. With a "pop," she escaped through a tiny opening at the spout's end. She flew freely into open air, and expanded to normal pony size.

Twilight held the lamp in one hoof, and stared at Starlight. The alicorn's mouth gaped open in amazement.

Starlight chuckled. "Careful there, Twilight. We wouldn't want your mouth to catch any flies. But more importantly, my friend...thank you for freeing me from the lamp. You have three wishes, from a very sympathetic genie."