Deep within the Everfree Forest dwelled the sprawling stone fortress Castrum de Duae Sorores, the seat of the Equestrian diarchy.
A pegasus approached, a dusky cerulean besmirchment upon the indigo sky. Her wings folded, and she swooped hard and fast, sailing past the panicked guards holding watch in front of the keep. Her trajectory was flat, her guidance was ballistic.
Two tall doors hewn from rough oak and banded by blackened steel barred entry to the castle, their indomitable presence a silent decree that none should pass nor prevail against their brutish bulk.
Athon simply smashed into them head-first, sending their ponderous mass groaning open upon oiled hinges. She shook her head briefly, knowing the next morning’s hangover would help dull the pain.
Much to the dismay of the night watch, Athon marched into the castle. She drew a deep breath, and bellowed thusly,
“I CAME!”
“I SAW!”
“I CONQUERED!”
She looked around, savoring the expressions of atavistic surprise and terror from those trapped within the great hall.
“AND THEN I CAME AGAIN!” she shouted, devolving swiftly through giggling, snorting, and all-out braying laughter.
To the untrained eye, it would appear that Athon had been drinking.
Those more accustomed to Athon simply knew this as the natural state of affairs.
With little delay, she darted into the Royal study. There, she recounted her tale to Luna - a manic orgy of mishmashed words that painted her after-action report like a Jackson Pollock piece.
* * *
So anyways, I was tied to a chair. Pretty sturdy one. Really thick ropes. They kept beating my face, shouting about the Hoof of Argagon or whoever that fancy fuck wizard was. The one that got turned into a statue.
I couldn’t stop laughing to myself. That just got em mad.
I suppose I put on a good show for them. They’d beat my face, and I’d moan. I got kicked in the haunches, and it just made it worse. I was breathing hard with my eyes rolled back up in my head. Every few minutes, they screamed about the Hoof. Where’s the fucking Hoof?
Well, not just the hoof, you see. Whole chunk of his foreleg, right up to the knee. Turned to blackened stone. I kept laughing when they demanded it.
It was my key outta there, and those poor dumb bastards didn’t know what was about to hit 'em.
My breathing was shallow and all I could put out was a husky moan. And that’s when it happened. Lightning shot up my spine and I howled. Every muscle in my body contracted, and I stood upright on two hooves, the chair be damned. My arse snapped it like a twig.
I screamed one last time, and saw the look on every one of their faces.
There was a slick sliding sound, and a clank of obsidian on stone. The Hoof of Argagon lay between my legs.
It glistened.
Oh, and I was free from the chair. Think I mentioned that. Poor dumb bastards didn’t realize the importance of that until I picked up that leg with my teeth, and started bashing some faces in.
I was still trapped in there when the second wave of 'em came in. Some no-shit serious-business unicorn mage. He's a younger one. Just burst into the room with a whole troop of leather clad guards. Bloody cultists. I can see him readying a spell, and the look in his eyes tells me it's gonna hurt when it connects.
I'm laughing inside, under a veneer of shock and pleading; rearing my hooves up in a show of surprise that does well to bolster their confidence. My hind legs tighten like springs, bearing the mass of my barrel against my hips as I play out my panicked dance.
I know how long it will take to cast that spell of his. Same way I got used to dodging the electric shocks from my pal Clover when I stepped on her nerves a bit much. Still think about her sometimes. Great wizard she's gonna be someday.
It's around this time I've shot across the room with a kick of my legs and a snap of my wings. I can see him trying to hold back his spell, saving his magic for a fight he thought he was gonna win. Poor sodding bastard.
I'm upside down now, squeezing my neck through his legs as I hit the ground skidding. One leg hooks around his neck like a shepherd’s crook, and my knee bashes into his face, training that glowing horn of his against the far wall.
I'm under his hindquarters now - a position I quite fancy on any occasion not ruined by cultists and long dead wizards. I snap my neck forward and up, and a meeting of the minds ensues between my thick skull and whatever passes for this poor dumb bastard’s bollocks.
There's a hole in the wall now - sizzling around the edges where the castle stone simply ceased to be. My hole.
I’m proud of my holes.
I’m giggling as I scoop up the petrified limb of the third most powerful sorcerer in living memory and bolt outside, leaving these battered bloody bruised bollocks bastards behind me.
I sailed into the sky, leaving behind a castle of screams and drawn-out moans. That’s my kind of party. There’s one that made it out, though. I can hear the rage frothing from his lips as he beats the air with blackened wings, plowing through the humid mist like a mythic beast squashed down into the general shape of a pegasus. I dive through the trees as he gives chase. A few branches collide with my skull, but it can’t wipe the grin off my face. I can hear the blasts of my pursuers breath as he grunts with every enraged sweep of his wings.
I can only imagine what that will sound like when he reaches me.
He's relentless. I dive to the ground, feeling the fronds tickle my belly and slap at.. Ohhhoh.. Yess. more of that please. He better hurry up or I’m going to be finished without him.
I can hear him chomping, inches away from my tail. He didn't bring a weapon, so I figure he’s going to grapple me. I aim for the stoutest tree I can find, flip, land, and kick off. My head bashes into his, sending us both tumbling to the forest floor.
We split and enter our stances. He’s a feisty one. I don’t give him a chance to charge. I simply step forward, swing my head, and bash it against his withers. I feel his teeth rip hair from my back, and I bounce on my forelegs, smashing my head against his jaw.
He stumbles. I spin and kick, sweeping him off his feet. I take a hoof to the face, but teeth probably grow back, I think. He’s bigger than Celestia herself, rippling with muscle and bulging obscenely in all the right places. Red hair streams from his mane like the corona of the sun. I dive and smash into him again, smacking his head against a rock. That’s got him stunned. That’s where I’d make my escape. Least that’s how I’ll tell Luna when I get back. But when it comes right down to it.. I’m a mare that takes my Four F’s very seriously.
I crawl up onto him, our hearts hammering inches away. He regains consciousness long enough to look into my eyes, and that's when I say..
“Yeh, You’ll do.”
Luna interrupts my reverie.
“And.. that’s how you’ll tell Luna, when you get back?” the Diarch of the Night softly queries.
Oh. Shit.
“Uhh. Did I say that out loud?”
“Indeed.”
“Well.. at least that’ll help explain somethin that mighta been hard to explain otherwise”
“And what would that be?” my Princess inquires.
“Ahhh. About a half gallon of spunk that's leaked onto your chair since I sat down. Sorry bout that yer Lunacy. Shit! I mean Yer Highnyness”
Luna blinks, shaking her head ever so slightly.
“Tis a fair trade, to ensure the adversary of six generations remains in twain.”
“Eeh, he was a nice pegasus once I got to know him. Bloody cultists probably never see a mare after they join. Uhh.. judging by the puddle I’m in, I must’ve broken a dry spell that pre-dates those.. Uh.. things with the words in 'em. Books, yeah. Those was ‘vented a lil while ‘go, right?”
“Athon. Do you have the Hoof?”
“I mean, that was about half of it.”
“Half of what?”
“Oh yeah, that Hoof.” I craned my neck down to grab it.
Luna’s eyes went wide for a moment, until I pulled it out of my satchel.
She glanced at the onyx rod clamped between my teeth, then at me, and then at the loops of rope tied to one end.
“Whuf?” I asked.
Luna remained speechless. Athon interpreted the silence as her turn to talk.
“Sho I fink thofse guys..” An indigo haze of magic pulled the obsidian foreleg from her mouth “..oh, thanks. So I think those guys do that thing with, uh, not hooking up with mares because that wizard from way back when was so busy doing evil magic that he never got laid, and died a virgin. I mean, then he got resurrected, did some more evil magic, and died a virgin again. Now that I think ‘bout it, that’s.. just a torment I wouldn’t wish on anyone, considering how many times you and Celly blasted him with your own magic and sent him on a dirt nap. You think he’d still do evil magic if he got laid for once? Anyways, anyways.. I was thinkin that all those cultists probably were doing the same thing. But most of 'em can’t even do evil magic, so they just decided to be turbo virgins like their dead wizard leader.
“Athon..”
“So anyways, anyways, I was thinkin some more. If all those cultists are still holed up in that castle, tryin to do evil magic and whatnot, s’only a matter of time ‘fore they figure out getting good at it, yeah? And if someone came along and found a way to distract them all, you see.. Show 'em the Magic of Fuh..riendship, right.. And if all of them are backed up like that pegasus that chased me!” her eyes widened as the perfect plan came together.
“Athon.”
“Um, you wanna help?”
Luna closed her eyes and allowed the full volume of her breath to expire without a single word upon it.
“I must politely decline the offer, and possibly fail to dissuade you as well.”
Athon shrugged. A brief grin flashed across her face before she got it under control.
“Before we conclude these pleasantries.. Can you tell me what you meant by ‘half of it’? And what are these ropes tied to the end of the Hoof of Argagon?”
“Oh, right! Um. Well, that pegasus I.. kinda briefly mentioned.. The one that wasn’t me, you know. His aim wasn’t that good.”
“What?” Luna asked, moments before realizing her grave mistake.
“I mean.. Wasn’t bad after I got used to it. Bright side, he’s probably not going to be thinking about any evil magic for a long while.. judging by the other stain on your chair. But after he was through the second or third time around, I figured that turnabout's fair play.”
Luna’s eyes twitched in the direction of the petrified leg jutting across the table.
“..and if anyone asks, you think he’s going to tell anyone? I mean, I’ve kinda been wondering about that last part.”
"Pegasii can not do magic of any sort, Athon," Luna sighed as her mind raced to compartmentalize and expunge memories of the last thirty seconds.
“Oh.. Right. We can worry about them later. Flying distraction. We find a way to lure all the pegasus cultists out and keep ‘em busy while I sneak in. Prioritize the unicorns. Maybe the earth ponies too. Better idea. Ground based distraction will get the earth ponies outside with pegasus air support. Divide and Copulate. Recommend two companies approaching from East-NorthEast broken into six elements with reserve units in concealment. Airborne support on station at five thousand feet bearing three-three-zero, and two-two-five relative to operational zone - not to engage until cultist pegasus forces are committed. Now, given around fifty-three unicorns based on earlier reconnaissance, neutralization efforts might take longer than acceptable. However! Based on earlier contact with the enemy, I believe I can subdue two such combatants at the same time, under ideal conditions. Possibly even three.”
Athon’s eyes glanced down at the desk, and shot back up confidently, locking her gaze with Luna.
“If I can borrow that, I could make it four.”
Author's Note
Fun fact. The English - Latin - English translation of "castle of the two pony sisters" comes out as:
CAMP ASS
TWO SISTERS
